Coping with Your Husband’s Job Loss
My cell phone rang on Monday morning while I was working at a client’s office. “Lori, can you meet me at home? I’ve just been let go from my job.” I packed up and got in the car and started to drive, my heart pounding, my mind racing…then the tears started, and I began to pray.
Just the previous Sunday afternoon, Del and I had been talking about his job. Over a period of time there had been significant leadership changes in his company, resulting in increased stresses and frustrations that hindered him from being able to do his job well. Many times Del would come home with a bad tension headache after a long day at work, not to mention the extreme fatigue he was feeling. He told me he wasn’t sure if God was trying to tell him it was time to find another job, or whether He wanted him to persevere in this job. We decided he should update his resume and start sending it out to some recruiters, and we would see if God would open any doors. Then the decision was taken out of our hands.
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When I arrived home, Del was sitting in a chair in our living room just staring into space. I have never felt so inadequate in all my life! I sat down in his lap and we both started to cry. After we shed our tears (at least for that time) we prayed together. We acknowledged God’s sovereignty and plan for our lives, and we asked for His peace in the midst of all the uncertainty.
Thus began our journey – one that would change us both individually and also our marriage forever.
So as the wife of a man who no longer has somewhere to go everyday, where do you start in showing your support?
1. Teach him how to do the laundry!
We both recognized that, for the foreseeable future, Del would be available to help out more at home. He was always very willing to help me in whatever way I needed him – he just wasn’t always available. So, he asked me to show him how to do the laundry since he now had the time. I’ll always remember, during his first week at home, him leaving the dinner table upon hearing the dryer buzzer and announcing that he needed to go and “fold his towels!” Del was also able to help with the groceries, the morning school drop-offs, and with dentist and orthodontist appointments. I was so grateful for his willingness to help with my load. One caution in this area, though – do not give him so many things to do that he doesn’t have time to look for a job!
On a more serious note…
2. Encourage him!
There were many days when Del needed me to be his greatest encourager, while he struggled with thinking that he was not good enough to get a job to take care of his family. I needed to remind him how important he was to our family, how proud we were of him, and how much we loved him. He needed to be reminded that, just as we had prayed and acknowledged God’s sovereignty in those first few hours, it was God who was in control and He was worthy of our trust. God would open that door of employment for him when He knew best – which is also why it was so important to….
3. Pray for him!
What greater gift can I give to my husband than to pray for him; to commit him to the protection and care of the One who knows him more intimately than me, and who loves him even more than I ever could? Many times I would not know what to say to Del when he was feeling down or frustrated. I knew that his feelings were real, but I also knew that Satan wanted nothing more than to keep him feeling that way. Psalm 145:14 says “The Lord helps the fallen and lifts up those bent beneath their loads.” I often had to ask God to meet Del’s needs, because I knew I couldn’t!
4. Communicate with the kids!
Del losing his job affected the whole family, not just him. When Del lost his job, our children were 11 and 15 years of age. Any time that Del or I wanted to spend money, our 15-year-old son Ryan would tell us not to. He would say “I know it – we’re going to be living in a cardboard box!” Recognize the need to let the kids know how you are doing, as it is appropriate to their age. Tell them when Dad has a job interview, or even when he gets a call for a potential opportunity. And most of all, pray with your children. There were many nights we gathered as a family in our daughter Lauren’s room as she climbed into bed and prayed together. We would thank God once again for His provision and care for us, and ask again that He provide a job for Dad. On more than one occasion I heard Del thank God in prayer for doors that the Lord had closed when he was not chosen for a job, even after several interviews that looked very promising. Del was able to model to our kids the Scriptural principle that “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord!”
5. Be willing to adjust!
As much as I needed to support my husband, his job loss did have its affect on me as well. Having had the privilege of being a stay-at-home mom while the children were younger, and running my own accounting business as they got older, I am used to having time at home – by myself! All of the sudden I had my husband around constantly. Yes, it had its advantages with regards to his help, but it was just not normal.
I was used to my routines: getting lunches made, children to school, household chores done, getting out the door to see clients – all the things I had been doing for the past 17 years. But now Del was home in the mornings, and it always seemed we’d get into conversations about things right when I should have been heading out the door. And then I’d come home later in the day prepared to go about my usual routine (reading the mail/e-mails, making some phone calls, or exercising on the treadmill), only to find Del in our home office, working away on the computer. So I would spend some time with him and then start dinner early, as we no longer had to wait for him to get home.
I found myself longing for time on my own. It’s not that I didn’t love him and enjoy being with him, but I needed some time to myself once in a while. I found I was beginning to resent the fact that he was there all the time. But I also had to recognize and be sensitive to the fact that he did not want to be at home either. We both had to be willing to consider each other’s feelings in this matter.
6. Communicate with each other!
As a wife, a lot of my security and stability came from the fact that I had lived in the same place for the 20 years we had been married, my husband went to work everyday and earned an income to pay the mortgage and the bills, my children were happy in their schools, and I had family and friends all around me. Now it became apparent to me that all of that might change! Not only that, but I found myself wondering what Del was doing with his time – how hard was he looking for that job? Was he allowing other things (church involvement, household tasks, etc.) to interfere with his job searching? It was critical that we communicate with each other, so he knew how I was feeling and I wasn’t creating expectations for him that he did not know about.
7. Seek God together!
More than anything, though, this was the most important change that came for the both of us. Praying together as a couple was always a sporadic thing for us over the years. But when God brought this change and uncertainty to our lives, there was no question that we needed to draw together and especially pray together if we were going to make it through this. Now we pray about everything, whether it’s a decision to be made, or just about whatever we are feeling; we bring it before God together. We also pray together for one another. It’s a tremendous way to demonstrate our love for each other, and to feel like we are tackling the challenges of life as a team.
A few months after Del lost his job, God gave me a verse from the Bible that became my promise for this period of time we were going through. Hebrews 10:23 says, “Without wavering, let us hold tightly to the hope we say we have, for God can be trusted to keep His promise.”
I can’t say there weren’t tough days. It wasn’t always easy to keep trusting and believing that God had a plan for us. But in the end I knew God could be trusted and that He was faithful; that His plans were for our good and not to harm us. One of the greatest blessings that we have found in our journey of the last three years is that God has taken what we both knew to be true in our heads and has now imbedded it in our hearts. Sometimes the most important lessons in life are learned through our hardest trials.
Have you or someone you love lost their job? Talk to a mentor who can pray and support you through this time.
Lori,
I read this at a moment where I felt…feel things are falling apart. My husband lost his job 6 months ago and everything you went through or are going through seems to hit home. I am a teacher in a Lutheran school…not the “bread winner” by any means. I worry about my husband he is losing faith with every rejection. Some days it’s hard to be the cheerleader…some days I just want to cry…(today is one of those days). Thanks for speaking from your heart.
Patty
thank you so much for sharing your story my husband lost his job of 19yrs. and i will help support him and our family he is looking for work. i love my husband of 32yrs. and he has supported me in so many ways example both of my parents died, tragic death of my young brother, and other wounderful things my husband is more than a job i love him no matter what he is my life and i thank God for him
thank you
My husband of 24 years lost his job in July 2008. I have been a stay at home Mom for 16 years and we are struggling. God is so good to provide us His love through our small group at church and friends and families prayers. Hang in there all of you who are going through these tough economical times. I think God wants to use all of us to reach out to others with integrity and love. Thanks for this wonderful article!
I was blessed to find this site, my guy was laid off three weeks ago, I was a stay at home mom for the last two years, and I felt like my world was crashing down, my faith was the only thing keeping us positive.. I began applying for jobs and because of the two year gap I haven’t heard back from anyone…. I just keep praying and believing in God’s Word… Bless you all you will be in my prayers as I hope we will be in yours…
It is good to know that there are other women who feel the same way. My husband has been laid off for a month now. He had only been back to work for eight months. I have been a full time stay at home mom and have been homeschooling the past 6 years. I have taken on several part-time jobs to help. I get my strength from God. Where He guides He provides. We need to lean on Him.
I married for the second time 2 years ago. My husband had a travel job when we met – only here on the weekend. For the marriage & because he was sick of it he switched. He worked for that company for a year before they fired him this past april ( fired – not called for 0 they way to lay off). Now this year no work. Did you read where I said this is a new marriage. Let me tell you also that we are in our early 50′s . I am devestated. My dream relationship is turning into nothing but stress and tension. I work full time but can not cover his bills. We have an apartment together and I can not cover his half of the expenses. We live pay check to pay check. I have no savings – do not judge me. My first marriage distroyed me and took my home because of the problems the x brought to me. I was hopeful to be happy now. I am losing hope.
Advice – I need support. It is ok to email me.
I’m still in shock right now, my husband just lost his job. I am scared and I don’t know what to do. We have a 6 year old and a 4 year old, we have checks coming and we are mortgage. I have a job but it’s not enough to provide for the whole family.
Help me what to do to lessen the fall of this devastating news.
Thanks
Bless you. I know the shock, fear and anxiety you are experiencing. I know how these responses can overcome you too. When my husband lost his job in the early 90′s my children were 3 and 6. In fact, because of our experience, (we were unemployed for what turned out to be 4 years and we lost everything including our home to foreclosure and the continued under/unemployment since)I can’t help but help others going through the same.
I invite you to join me as I host Christian Women Today’s chat this month on this topic, Wednesdays 6:00 PM Pacific Time at http://www.christianwomentoday.com Click on chat under the header and then follow the promptings.
You will also find help with my blog http://www.squidoo.com/WhatYouDontKnow It was created as part of my effort to help others. I am a broadcaster, writer and speaker (see http://www.pamelachristianministries.com) so I developed a course with Workbook and presented it at my church. It was so successful that I then made it into a day long intensive presented 7/20/09, open to the public, which was a tremendous success. I hope to present the day-long intensive all over the states and Canada. I don’t charge for presenting so that those who need the information can attend at no cost. More at http://www.wydk.org
I have already prayed for you, dear sister. The first thing you (and everyone) must do, is to get your emotions and thoughts lined up with truth or you will be overcome and not able to properly tend your children or support your husband. I help people learn how to do this and the many other next best steps to successfully cope with this crisis, emotionally, practically and spiritually.
On my blog you will find free resources and tips and a whole lot more as I continue to post. My heart and compassion are truly with you, wanting to see you and your family overcome this for the glory of God and not the victory of the enemy. Work hard at keeping your eyes on God and His truth.
My husband just lost his job!!!! Its so crazy!!! I myself just started a new job !!! Ice been out of work because I just had a baby !!! So when things start looking good for us my husband looses his job!!! We are a young couple 24 and 27 and only 3 years married with a 3 year old and 6 month old!!! I know God will provide but I’m so scared ………… I asked God why is but things could be worst ……… I know my God has a bigger plan for my husband and girls! Keep me in. Your preyera if you read this
I know exactly how you guys fell. my husband lost his job in 2008 . thank god i have a full time job . he has been taking some odd jobs but all them are like temp positions. I am also working working on weekends ( part time job ). as of today we have 25,000 credit card debt .my income can barely cover mortgage , car payment , insurance , utilities , food , condo fees. Dont know what to do …. I am so depressed…..
It isn’t my husband that lost his job…it is me. As a self-employed person my business suddenly dried up due to cuts in budgets. I’m not eligible for unemployment benefits due to being self-employed. I am finding a faith that I thought was strong is hard to tune into. I’m so depressed. We have a son that is a freshman in college and another going to college in less than 2 years….and always told them we’d help them with schooling. Right now, every day is a huge struggle…I can hardly get the laundry done or meals on the table. I feel like God is so far away right now….
Jenni and all, how my heart aches with yours. I know exactly what you’re going through. Jenni, I have also been unable to collect UE insurance for being self-employed. How can you reinvent yourself? I can provide you a complimentary “Transferrable Skills Discovery” quiz if you like. Do you know about One Stop Career Centers? I have a ministry specifically to help people in your situation. First and foremost is for you to will your mind to dwell only on truth. God is our provider. He merely allows us to participate in the process. We must look to Him and seek His provision. I have seen miracles, even concerning college tuition. Your faith is being tried now and it’s up to you if you want to be found strong. It takes a lot of deliberate work to concentrate on the character, intentions and will of God for you in contrast to the condemning, defeating voice. But if you truly want to find God to be all you hope Him to be, seek Him with your whole heart, for then He promises you shall find Him. You are in my prayers.
This article is a blessing. My husband was laid off right before Christmas. He had been at his job for 7 years and although he liked what he was doing, the hours (2nd shift) were inconveninet. Now he is able to do more to help out at home and he has been a blessing. However it bothers us both that I am up and gone to work everyday and he is not. I am very proud of him and continue to pray for him as he keeps his head up and continues to trust God. I recently made myself stop looking for employement for him. It was stressing me out. God showed me that he has a plan for him and I am to pray and encourage him.
Thank you all for sharing, in your sharing I attempt to find comfort and strength to push forward.
As Maureen, I too have recently married for a second time. When my husband and I met he had a decent paying job and so did I. Several months before the wedding he lost his job resulting in me paying the balance off for the wedding and honeymoon. Nearly two years later he has not landed gainful employment. He works at a very low paying job 12 hours a day that only yields enough money to pay his child support from his previous marriage. I on the other hand have to pay all the bills including his car insurance and cell phone bill since we joined our accounts together. This has caused a great deal of stress for me and I have began questioning our marriage. My children see him as a liability and I have to admit sometimes I feel the same way. I love him and I’ve tried to support him in all the ways that I know how…however I am starting to resent him and not sure how to make it stop. Typically when we try discussing the issue it results in an argument with no resolve.
My husband lost his job in 2008.Although God was very kind to have given us unemployment benefits,the frustration of not having anything to do is killing us.I love my husband to death.We have known each other since we were sixteen and now at 52 I dont know where we are going.Not having a job is taking away his self confidence and I dont know how to help.The article was helpful to an extent.But everyday reality is another thing.Any support groups in NY area?
Pam are we allowed to exchange email addresses on this site? It would be nice to talk to others personally. We are going thru a very dark time as a result of job loss. Roop is my age and I would like to email her if that is permissable.
To R: Are you wanting to exchange email addresses with PamChristian or “Pam”?
actually I was interested to see if roop would email me. My husband is also 52 and we have been together since I was 18. Thought we might have more in common and could support each other
dear maureen [sorry i cudn get ur email id here hence a post]
i understand your problem very well… for my mother who is in her 50s is hoping for a new start and my best friend walked out of her husband and is living with a bachlor on a new hope – they have one common story – the xs werent good enough and they are struggling thru finiancial messes. i am sorry but why i site their lives is cos i understand that finance and emotions co-exist. when they are in a perfect balance its all happy and good… if one of them is out of control the other trips automatically. even if u wr earning 50 per cent less than what you earn now if your liabilities were lesser you would be able to meet them right!? perhaps would be happier with lesser stresses. pls do not get me wrong when i ask you to offload your liabilities… financial ones… by confronting them as practically as possible and not walking off your partner another time even if this time it might be his lack of complete self that is the main point of concern. this is a tough phase… u will overcome it if u let it die out by staying strong for eachother. this is the test u have to pass. trust me u will. pray together in peace and rethink ur current expenses without comparing ur past or somebody else’s present. life is good. with or without money. u have to just tune urself to happiness to find that.
good luck.
babloo
My husband lost his job in 2009, no unemployment, no insurance and a child who is diabetic. How can I reassure him that it is going to be alright, when I don’t believe it myself? I am at the end of my rope, I have no more.
Reggie, you will make it if you belong to God through faith in Jesus Christ by the power of the Holy Spirit. I know exactly what you’re going through as we’ve been under and unemployed for 19 years and we lost our house to foreclosure. I have found some practical helps in this very difficult walk of life. Please visit my blog at http://www.squidoo.com/WhatYouDontKnow
i am so very lost. i tried to keep my foot in the door as a nurse, one day every 2 weeks or even once a month. my husband insisted i stay home. i should not have. now he is jobless after 21 yrs. and we have an 11 yr old little girl. he is getting bad advice (from his mom and big sister), to stay home and rest. all of a sudden i am expected to take over, not only do i not want to, but i don’t think it is in his best interest, nor am i physically able to do what i did 12 yr ago. I don’t want to see our family destroyed, I so do not know what to. do.