Childhood Sexual Abuse: How the past affects the present
Rough estimates put one in three girls and one in six boys in the US at risk for being sexually abused. But exact figures are hard to assess because most children delay reporting their abuse until later in adulthood or never report it at all. Many of the women I’ve led through healing were not believed when they did report it, or worse, they were punished for sharing the family secret.
This is a difficult topic to write about and a hard topic to read as well. The thought of anyone using a child to gratify their own perverse sexual desires is an incomprehensible evil. It is an evil that has disgraced, destroyed and devalued the human race. But it’s real. It happens and the numbers of those affected by it are growing. Maybe it has happened to you.
Some of the questions I’ll attempt to address in this series are:
- How do you know if you were sexually abused as a child?
- If you were abused, how do you know if it’s still impacting you today?
- How do I know if I need healing?
- Why do I struggle with sexual intimacy?
I understand that you may want to stop reading at this point. If you have memories of sexual abuse, it can be painful to revisit those memories and the emotions associated with them. Or maybe, you are one that has no memory, but you have a ‘feeling’ that you were abused. You occasionally get an image of an event, a person, or of yourself in an uncomfortable situation and you wonder. Perhaps there is someone in your past that causes negative emotions to surface whenever you think of them or have to be around them. Again you wonder, but don’t know for sure. Maybe you don’t want to know.
If so, I understand. What you’re feeling is typical. You’ve survived until now by shoving the abuse, the memories, that ‘wondering feeling’ deep down so that you could get on with your life. Or you have minimized the abuse you do remember by saying, “it really was not that big of a deal”. But lately it has been surfacing unexpectedly. You’re no longer able to keep it buried. It’s having an impact on your dreams, your marriage, your parenting, your ability to trust and to be intimate. Perhaps you need answers to questions like, “Am I this way because of what happened to me as a child?”
But there may be another reason you’d rather not keep reading. Shame. The shame that whispers, “You’re to blame. You didn’t say no. You asked for it. You wanted it. You allowed it to continue. It’s. All. Your. Fault!” I’ve led hundreds of women through sexual healing, and more than half of them experienced some form of sexual abuse or trauma, as in rape. And every single one of them had at some point believed that they were to blame.
It’s a lie, a horrible, evil lie! You were not to blame. It is not your fault. You were a child. Children have no sexual desire, unless that sexual desire is awakened against their will. I’m praying for you. Praying that you won’t let the shame, fear or the lies keep you from claiming the truth. God’s truth is this: you are not alone. It wasn’t your fault. You can be healed. There is hope.
For further reading in this series:
How do I know if I’ve been sexually abused?
Why do I feel this way?
How do I know if I need healing?
Why do I struggle with sexual intimacy?
How can I heal from my sexual past?
Would you like to talk to a mentor? Just use this form and you’ll get a personal, private response from your mentor, usually within a couple of days. Can we pray for you?
Recommended Reading:
Beauty for Ashes by Joyce Meyer
On The Threshold of Hope by: Diane Langberg
The Wounded Heart: Hope For Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse by: Dan Allender
List of Barbara’s Books Barbara covers many issues in her books including Sexual Abuse and much more. Titles include: Break Free From Your Sexual Past, Invisible Bond, Kiss Me Again: Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage
Hi Jan, sorry you are struggling in this area…not knowing the truth whether or not something happened when you where younger. Did you proceed on to read the additional articles Barbara Wilson wrote for this series?
How do I know if I’ve been sexually abused?
Why do I feel this way?
How do I know if I need healing?
Why do I struggle with sexual intimacy?
How can I heal from my sexual past?
If not, if may be very beneficial for you to carry on with reading through the series. Perhaps by doing so you will begin to understand why you are feeling so confused which is causing you a great deal of anxiety.
At the end of Barbara Wilson’s article, you can click on the link that will bring you to the next “How do I know if I’ve been sexually abused?” article in the series.
Look forward to hearing back from you as you begin to take steps in going a bit deeper in finding out the truth where uncertainty lies. According to God’s Word, truth is what sets captives free.
This was a reassuring article. I have felt many of these feelings, but am unsure if anything happened. I think it is probable around the age of 4-6. Maybe younger. I can’t remember though. It is incredibly confusing and causes so much anxiety. I don’t know if knowing would be worse or not. It is a tragedy that abuse happens so often.
Hi Lonely, I am so sorry to hear about the way your brother took advantage of you. It is a terrible thing to be a child and not feel safe in your own home. I totally understand how you struggle facing each day with that kind of an environment growing up. What kind of relationship do you have with your brother now? Do you connect with the rest of your family? Why do you think that your family would reject you?
I know that talking about it brings all of the hurt to the surface but the tears are an important part of healing. By ignoring and trying not to think about it the pain will continue to eat you up inside and no healing will be able to happen. Let me encourage you to go to Barbara Wilson’s website http://www.barbarawilson.org/ (the author of this article) and have a look at the books that she has written on this. Or read Joyce Meyers’ book “Beauty for Ashes” http://www.joycemeyer.org/ProductDetail.aspx?id=000113. I am sure you will find that much of what they say resonates with your experience and they will be able to help you better understand what healing steps you can take.
Hello I was abused by my brother. He wasn’t much older than myself, but he had control and I was scared to say no or even fight him. He would call me nasty names while he made me perform oral and vaginal sex for him. I don’t understand how he could have done this to me. I was his baby sister. I never told anyone. I am now 33 and I know it would tare our family apart and I would be on the outside if I told. So now I am just left with the memories haunting me daily. Most days I just don’t want to go on, but I keep going somehow. On one hand talking and sharing it I feel better on the other side I feel worse. I hate crying and if I talk about it I end up crying. I just don’t know what to do!
Hello I was abused from age 7-11 by my brother. He wasn’t much older than myself, but he had control and I was scared to say no or even fight him. He would call me nasty names while he made me perform for him. I don’t understand how he could have done this to me. I was his baby sister. I never told anyone. I am now 33 and I know it would tare our family apart and I would be on the outside if I told. So now I am just left with the memories haunting me daily. Most days I just don’t want to go on, but I keep going somehow. On one hand talking and sharing it I feel better on the other side I feel worse. I hate crying and if I talk about it I end up crying. I just don’t know what to do!
Hi Fallen Star, I can imagine how hard it would be on your mom to hear all the details of what he has done. But you do have to remember that it is not you that is hurting them, it is your dad. And are you really protecting them by keeping them in the dark about the kind of things he has done? That’s a tough question to answer.
Being afraid is pretty understandable but you don’t have to be a slave to fear. Are you familiar with the 23rd Psalm? It starts, “The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want…” David, the guy who wrote this, knew a lot of about fearful things. He had a lot of people who wanted to see him dead. But one of the lines that he wrote says, “Even when I walk through the dark valley of death, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies.” David had this confidence that God was protecting him. In fact he could sit at a table and eat with people who wanted him dead because he knew God was guarding his life. That didn’t mean that David’s life was ‘trouble-free’. He spent many years running and hiding from the people who were trying to kill him. He had a son who organized an army to take over David’s kingdom, and he actually succeeded for a short time. David faced dangers time and again through his whole life. But he knew that God never took His eyes off him and never allowed anything to happen to that would be more than David could bear. And through it all God used the painful things of David’s life to accomplish amazing things.
That protecting God that David wrote about is the very same God who sent Jesus to set us free from sin, death, fear and hopelessness. He will guard you and protect you from anything that is too much for you to take. He will take the hurtful things of your life and make something beautiful. You do not have to live in fear because God will care for you.
Have you ever thought about God and if He cares about you?
Hi Jamie,
Thanks for the reply. Yes I see my mum regularly and we have spoken a little bit about what happened but she finds it too hard to take in. I don’t dare tell her everything because I can see how upset she gets when I even start to talk about it. My dad has been really horrible to my mum recently and has told her to file for a divorce, which obviously after nearly 22 years of marriage.
My partner is amazing :) he has always supported m, but yes I do see the difference in our priorities, he has 3 kids. I have always been more mature than others my age and am constantly being told that I have the head of a 40 year old! We do sometimes have to stop and work things out because there is such an age gap but we really do love each other, but I don’t want to hurt my mum and family. Do I tell them? :/ I’m scared of the reaction I will get!
I have had lots of counselling through college and my doctors surgery, I have spoken through everything but as I haven’t pressed charges against my dad, I am scared of going anywhere. I am a lot stronger now than I have ever been, but I feel that this will never go away.
Hope to hear from you soon
Hi Samara, sorry to hear about the abuse you incurred when you were younger. It sounds like it is still very troublesome to you and you are very confused over what is appropriate and what is not appropriate behavior when it comes to caring relationships. Have you ever spoken to your Mom “specifically” about the sexual abuse that took place? You said that you developed anxiety disorders after the abuse (agoraphobia, depression, etc) were these diagnoses given to you by a trained counselor while you were seeking treatment? Is there a counselor at school that you can talk to about these issues or perhaps a pastor at your church?
May you know that the Lord loves you dearly. His word says, “God has chosen you and dearly loves you” (Colossians 3:12) and “God loves you with an everlasting love” (Jeremiah 31:3). He wants to help you and see you healed from all the confusion and inner turmoil you are currently dealing with. Do you know that He loves you unconditionally and that you can pray to Him at anytime regarding all this stuff?
Hello… I was sexually abused by my aunt when I was 6 or 7, I don’t remeber well… I’m 14. I feel scared of guys… I feel attracted by girls. Not in a sexual way. By boys too, I’ve had those little-lovey-dovey relationships with boys that didn’t last longer than 5 months. Teenager things. Well, I had a SERIOUS relationship with a girl. No, we didn’t had sex. I felt soooooo comfortable with her and loved… But she broke up with me because she didn’t wanted me to have problems with my family because of her and you have no idea how alone I feel now… When I was down I always ran to her arms and she always knew how to make me feel better.. She was just too precious… in my family there’s no love, no communication, no nothing. I developed anxiety disorders after the abuse, agoraphobia, depression, dependant to people… I know that affected the relationship between my girlfriend and I. I know I need professional help, but my mom just doesn’t want to understand what happened to me. And yes, I am a girl. And my girlfriend never mentioned the word “sex” in our relationship.
Hi Fallen Star, have you been able to connect with your mom since you left home? It must have been hard on her to get your note and discover all that your dad had been doing to you.
I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong with a relationship where there is such an age difference but it does have its own unique challenges. You both come from two very different life experiences and that will impact the way you communicate, the priorities you have and the way that you respond to the circumstances of life. Even your friends will be very different and that could cause a source of tension and problems. Both of you are going to need to be very flexible with each other and work hard at understanding one another. I am not saying this is your partner’s motivation but there are some older men who find younger women to make themselves feel young and powerful.
But it is good that he has been a good support for you in the difficult transition out of the abusive home. It sounds like he is a caring guy who has some good wisdom. That is good to find that in a man.
What kinds of things have you done to help bring healing to the wounds your dad has left you? Have you been able to connect with a counselor at all? It can be very valuable to spend time with a professional who can help bring an objective perspective to the things you have faced. They can guide you in reframing those experiences so that they don’t have a hold on you but rather you can use them as a source of strength in your life. Have you had a chance to do that?
I was sexually abused by my father and I think it started when I was 7 or 8, well that’s as far back as I remember. I am now 21 and I ran away from home at 18, leaving my mum a note telling her what had been happening. I couldn’t talk to her, at all. I just ran. It was like a weight had lifted off of my shoulders, however I felt so guilty leaving my mum and two younger brothers behind.
In the last two years at home he got worse and worse, he was more violent because I said no and kept fighting back. I wasn’t eating or sleeping and I was getting really ill. But I moved and got away from him, he denied ever touching me and I felt like no one believed me and that it was all my fault. However that didn’t stop his emails! He sent some horribly nasty name calling emails and frankly admitted tht he ‘loved me so much but probably showed it to me in the wrong way’! I felt so sick! I hated him and I hated the way he was justifying what he did to me.
I am now in a happy, healthy relationship with a much older man, he is 44 and I’m 21. Is this wrong? To feel happy with someone who is older than my father? He was there for me when I broke down and has helped me come to terms with what has happened and made me see that it wasn’t my fault.
Little-Perfect-Fairy, you will not ruin his family. He is the one who is ruining his family. The Bible says, “You can be sure that your sin will find you out.” We may try to hide the wrong things we do but they will always be discovered. So you are not responsible for what happens to his family, that is all up to him.
I understand your concern of how your parents will react but those are things that you can talk through with them. You can discuss how best to protect yourself from those who would take advantage of you without making your life like a prison. They love you and want the best for you. They would be so hurt if you never told them about what this man did to you.
I thunk that my parents will sue him and ofcourse his family will know about his act. I don’t want to ruin his family because I know he will do anything just to punish me for my act. that’s why I’m afraid. My mom will forbid me to go on any bus, I will be like in a prison, she will ride me everywhere, and I don’t want this. She is so overprotective.
I am so sorry that he has done this to you, to his wife and his kids. He is only thinking about himself and not about how he is hurting so many others.
What do you think your parents would say if you told them about what happened on the bus Little-Perfect-Fairy?
he is 36 yo, he has wife and 2 kids. He showed me the photos. I don’t know what is he attracted, maybe my legs or something else. I really don’t know.
No, I don’t know him from somewhere else, only from the bus. :(
Little-Perfect-Fairy, love does not produce fear. The Bible says that perfect love casts out fear. There may be some attraction that you feel for him but true love is based on trust, commitment and self-sacrifice. He doesn’t love you if he is forcing you to do things that make him happy but make you feel afraid and hurt. You are much too precious to give yourself to a man who takes advantage of you like that.
How old is this man? Do you know him from somewhere else other than the bus? What is it about him that you are attracted to?
Unknown Yet, there are a number of things that happen for those who share their experience with childhood sexual abuse: 1) often there are feelings of shame that children experience when they are sexual abused and keeping that a secret has a damaging impact on the sense of worth. That impacts friendships, marital relationships and confidence in life. Talking about that will help reframe a person’s understanding of what happened and provide awareness that the shame is not theirs but the one who committed the act of abuse; 2) experiences like this do not go away. As you can read from a number of people’s stories here, the impact is felt far into adulthood. Sharing the hurt and the pain takes the control away from the memories and puts it back into the individual; 3) there is also the reality that if the molester has done this once, they could very well do it again to someone else especially if there are no consequences for their actions. Revealing the abuse is an important part of the abuser being held accountable and protecting others from their cruelty.
It is true that revealing the story of how you were taken advantage of will be a painful process. Reliving those memories will be scary. But when you are able to go through that process with wise, loving people who care for you and can guide you through the healing process, there is an immense freedom that is gained. You will discover destructive patterns in your life that you never understood before but now have the resources to make healthy changes.
Unknown, you say you don’t need this, and you may very well be correct. I would never think that I knew better than you of what you need and don’t need. And yet, you are here reading this material. Why would you be doing that if everything was good and you were not experiencing the impact of those memories?
I have some feelings for him, something between scare and love, I am afraid of him but I have some feeling for him that I can not explain. why is that like this?? . I just can not do
it. I would be easier if someone did that instead of
me. I could not explain why.
I’m afraid of him. I am afraid that he would do to me something if I say this to someone. I’m afraid that he will hurt me.
Little-Perfect-Fairy, what are you afraid of if you tell someone? Do you think he will hurt you or do you think no one will believe you? Or is there something else that frightens you about telling others about this?
What is the point? Why should we poke at it, analyze it, and talk about it.. its not going to do anything except clarify the memories, why would I want that. I don’t want help. I want to wrap it back up and push it way down where I can’t see it anymore. All these websites and experts talking about exposing the evil, I don’t get why? Why should someone else know this, Its to late. Do I need others to see the disgusting truth? I hate this.
I have a good life now. I don’t need this.
i am from Croatia, ex yugoslavia.
I am so scared to tell this to someone. this story knows only my best friends. i don’t know what to do now.. :( :(
Hi Little-Perfect-Fairy, that promise he forced you to make is not a promise that you should keep. It is a promise that keeps his secret cruelty. If he has done this to you then he has probably done this to other girls as well and will continue to do it. You do not have to feel pressured to keep his cruel secret anymore.
There are a number of people you could talk to about what he is doing. You can tell your parents: they will be able to find ways to protect you from this cruel man. You can tell your choir teacher: he/she can notify the bus authorities of what this man is doing in their buses. You can talk to your school and let them know about how this man is taking advantage of young girls and they can take steps not only to protect you but also other girls who might get trapped by this man.
Let me pray for you: Dear God, I pray that You would protect this young lady from this cruel man. He is taking advantage of his power and influence and he needs to be stopped. I ask that you would help her to have the courage to talk with her parents and teachers to find a way to stop him from doing these hurtful things. Help her to know that she is Your cherished daughter and that she is so valuable and should not be treated so cruelly. Lead her to the people who can best support her and help her through this. In Jesus name, amen.
Little-Perfect-Fairy, do you live in Canada or the USA? I know that laws are different in different places but in these countries, what this man has done is criminal and you do not have to be put in that kind of a position. You are not alone and I will do all I can to help you be safe from this man, OK!?
hi Jamie. No, I didn’t told to anyone because he made me promise not to tell. To who can I tell?
Yes, I’ve seen him the other day, but it was in a full bus and he didn’t do anything, but he asked me when will we go to a day trip, just because he wanted me to be alone with him again. I can’t avoid him, this is the bus with whitch I go to scool every morning. I am so scared about it. I am 17 yo and what can I do?
Hi Julie, I totally understand how you would be concerned about how this happened in your life. It happened at a time when you were vulnerable and did not have the maturity to know how to respond to the hurtful actions of an adult and now that the memories are flooding back you are again feeling out of control. I want you to know that Jesus Christ can heal that hurt that is in your heart. He wants to free you from the fear and uncertainty. I want to share with you a video that takes about 15 minutes and explains how Jesus has made a way for you to be made new. He can do what no psychologist could ever do because He can take away your guilt and shame for things that you have done and the things that have happened to you. Francis Chan does a great job of explaining all this http://www.juststopandthink.com/stopthink-the-movie/. Have a listen and then let me know what you think.
Hi Little Perfect Fairy, I am so sorry that you were taken advantage of by that man. It was not right for him to pressure you to let him do that. Have you told anybody else about what happened on the bus? Have you seen him since then?
Hi EraseMyMemories, I can’t imagine how hard it is to be plagued by memories that impact so much of who you are. It’s amazing that those memories have stayed dormant for so long but are now overwhelming you. That must be so scary.
I want you to know that Jesus can take those things that hold you captive and break them apart so that you can be set free: free from the fear, free from the shame, free from the sense of loss, free from anger. The Bible says that whoever is a follower of Jesus is a new creation; the old is gone and He makes all things new. I don’t think He will erase your memories but He will change the way that those memories impact you. There is a video I watched recently that talks about how Jesus takes the broken pieces of our lives and makes them new http://powertochange.com/itv/spirituality/falling-plates/ Have a look and let me know what you think.
Hi Roz, Thanks for trusting us with your story. I know it isn’t easy to share stuff like that but you will find that telling your story is a big part of the healing that you will do.
I know that men have used you for their own pleasure and have missed the beauty of who God has made you to be but Jesus does not do that. He has shown again and again that He sees us all through His eyes of perfect love. When He met women who other people wrote off because of their past, He spoke to them and pointed them to healing. He didn’t pretend that they were perfect but He did give them the hope that through His love they can become pure. He sees you Roz and says, “Come to me you who are weary and weighed down; I will give you rest for your soul.” (found in the Bible at Matthew 11:28) He will take all of the hurt and pain that you have had in your life and He will make something beautiful out of it. Have a listen to Annie Lobert’s story as she tells how her life was destroyed by selling her body and how Jesus made her new. He wants to do the same for you Roz.
Hello everyone,
I have read some of the personal stories from this forum and i would like to share my personal story too. I dont know what triggered me to recall my bad childhood memory but from the last eight months my life have changed. I do not feel to live anymore because i am not able to forget these bad memories. I am a female of 35 yrs old. When i was eight years old i was molested by a female maid.. i dio not remember exactly what happened but very faded memory exist. Then i think my sister was molested too. I dunno y me and my sister ended up doing some lesbian activities like for 2 to 3 months maybe and then we never did as we grew up. My brother also saw it once n he was young too n one day he also desired to play with us but nothing happened like that. I totally forgot these incidents n then had healthy relationships with 2 guys. But now i dnt knw what has made me recall these past memories and i feel that how could i do such things. Feelings of touch displease me and often i become worry what if i do it again..n how can i get involved into incest stuffs…and sometimes i hate my parents for not being responsible enough to prevent us from these things..i feel like killiing myself n have continuous pain in my head. Sometimes i feel that what if i molest a kid, qlthough i know i will jot do it…i am also scared that what if other people gefs to knw it..what will they think abt me. I have shared it with some of my friends n they say to forget these silly things buti cannot simply..it is killing me from inside..i need help.
I have spoken to psychologists but nothing seem to work. I keep on feeling that anyone can do anything with me…dont knw why…please advise me what to do..l
Hello to everyone. i would like to tell you my story. Last year i met a bus driver that has 35 yo and we were, i can say, frends.one day he invited me to go with him in the bus (he is the city bus driver – local lines) and I accepted. When we arrived to the destination and we were alone in the bus he started to touch me on my back. I strongly pull him away. in that moment no one was speaking and I was dissapointed and angry. From that moment I didn’t see him for a while until november when I go to a trip with my choir. He was the driver. I was so scared to what was going to happend because I knew that. When we arrived to the destination city he didn’t let me off the bus. I remain with him in the bus. I tell to the cjoir teacher that I was gonna be late because I was searching something on the bus. It was not true obviously. Of course, after some talk he started again to tuch me but in this case I didn’t react. WHY? I KNOW IT ISN’T GOOD.. WHY DID I NOT REACT? I let him touch me everywhere. When he finished I was feeling so in giult. please help me what to do.
My english isn’t very well so I hope you wil understand my atory.
Hi
After reading a few comments here, i thought i would leave my story. I was sexually abused by my father from age 7 until i was 11. I told my younger brother when i was about 9, nothing happened, the abuse continued. I then confided in my best friend at school a year later, she told her mum and her mum got the police out to our home.
When the police came out, my dad told me to keep quiet or they will take me away and lock me up. I was so scared i just denied everything, i mean why would i want to risk being taken away from my family.
It continued until i started high school. I then made a wonderful best friend and i spent more or less every day at her house, which was a god send for me,id finally escaped the claws of the biological one. Until one night i was sleeping at my friends house and i got woken up by her dad carrying me down stairs telling me to keep quiet. I did as i was told. He then proceeded to to molest me and ended up raping me (both ways). In the morning i broke down in front of my friends mum and everything came out. The abuse from my dad and my friends.
All i remember next is i was taken for checks to find evidence, put into care for 2 years (my brother was allowed to stay at home) which i never knew why. My dad was locked up for 5 years, served 2.5.
25 years down the line, and i have started to have nightmares, feeling depressed, i keep cleaning my house, things have to be in a certain order or place. I very rarely leave the house, i have migraines, cant sleep, cold all the time, im exhausted, feel worthless and unimportant in life.
I have 4 beautiful children, which im very lucky to have. Which made me think the abuse had not had such a traumatising effect on me. Now its seems to be affecting me on a daily basis. I cant be intimate with my partner without feeling like hes using me, i shower after, i feel dirty, sometimes i cry after if im not facing him or in the shower. he says im pushing him away, i dont mean to, im just not interested in sex, anything to do with sex. He makes gestures all flipping day and i just have to grit my teeth and put on a smile. Then comes the dreaded bedtime and i cant bear the thought of sleeping with him in case he tries it onwith me. He doesnt seem to understand that i really dont want to do anything but try and sleep. And with 1 of 5 children waking during the night, im a walking zombie. I just wish i could help myself sometimes. and erase my memories..bad ones anyway
hi to everyone
this is the first time for me to actually tell someone like yourself that ive been sexually abused from 8 years old for 10 years it isnt easy to get over it ive tryed counciling for a long time but that didnt work so what does one surpose to do? move on in life try and forget it?
when i was 7 before it all started my older brother died as we were close since then my family fell apart.
Why did my mother leave me with my grandad i can still remember what happened i tell my ma about it all she says is sorry well its not good enough how can i forgive her, i doubt i ever will!!! since my grandad died i had a sheltered life not had my first boyfriend when i was 26 he just turned evil and nasty raped me all the time how can you call it make love, then i went into escorting for 6 years why the hell did i ? i needed the money and wanted someone to want me enjoy my company but then i changed turned to drink which helped me get through it so many men and lovers i had what is really the point of all it nothing came out of it all just memories that men just want me for sex god i feel so sick of being used where is the real man who like and love me for me not for what i look like the easy target to get used!
sorry folks but i need an answer? at the mo i have a lover i know im being used but how does one get horny without a little dutch courage to get me in the mood for sex?
I think if i wasnt sexually abused as a kid i would be in a relationship now with kids ive got a good job where people like me for me its nice to be with positive people but i dont think i can carry on like this anymore, i want a relationship but i find it hard to have one due to whats going on in my past.
Just hope maybe just maybe their could be someone out their can point me in the right direction oh im 37 soon!
Hi Angry, what a great description of your husband. Have you talked with him about these memories that have been coming up for you? Have you talked to anyone else about them? It is so helpful to have a safe place where you can talk through the things that you remember because it gets them out in the open so that you can really evaluate the impact those experiences have had on you and begin to consider how you move forward. I definitely would recommend reading some of Barbara Wilson’s other articles on our sites (http://powertochange.com/blogposts/author/bwilson/) and also some of the books that she recommends at the end of this article, including her own books (http://www.barbarawilson.org) As you read these books you will get a chance to hear other people’s experiences and how they have been able to find healing through it all.
Hi Jordan, it is cool to see how God speaks to us and directs us to the place we need to be. I shared a link earlier in this forum but I don’t know if you have had a time to watch it. It is from a show that Oprah did with Rick Warren about ‘playing the cards that we are dealt’. The last card that they identify is our freedom to choose how we will allow our past, our genetics, etc. to impact how we live life. They invite Nick Vujicic to come and share about his life. I think Nick may be speaking to you…have a listen http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPW3EB5U0bo&noredirect=1 and let me know what you think.
Hi lana,
From what you’ve written here I think that seeing a counsellor would be an excellent first step for you. A counsellor can also help when it is time to talk to your husband – either by giving you strategies about how to have that conversation or possibly even having the conversation with you (if the pair of you saw the counsellor together for example). I’ve got two lists of Christian counsellors one for counsellors in the US and one for counsellors in Canada. If you live elsewhere, let me know and I’ll do some digging for you.
I’m 30 years old and having repressed memories flooding out. I’ve always felt I was abused, just never had memories of it. I have a wonderful husband, who I believe helped me finally feel safe enough to recall lost memories. Right now I’m having trouble on what to do next. When I was younger I always felt like the world literally was a horrible place, for me it was. Every adult around me literally was ‘having sex’ with me. It seemed so normal that when I would come onto other adults as a child( I was 5-6) it seemed weird if they didn’t want to. To me they were strange and didn’t believe I was pretty. I feel anger most of all because of the fact I spent years in counseling and on meds believing I was just born a sad person. When all this time my own sick mother could have saved me from cutting, suicide attempts, AA by telling me the truth. But of course she wouldn’t, she was the main person involved. Also I have a feeling of doubting my sanity. These memories are so horrible I kind of hope I am the crazy one. I know it’s not true though, it just hurts
I am taking a crisis intervention class and have been struggling so much with the abuse that I went through. Literally everything i read in it is something I have personally dealt with. I’m tired of being the person to bring everyone down and not knowing how to respond to someone responding positively or even lovingly to me. I feel I have nothing to offer…even though I know Christ has redeemed me and has a purpose for me. I feel terrible that I’m letting my past prevent me from doing things that can better me in life. I was so shocked when i found this website because I was looking for lyrics to a song and this popped up! Totally overwhelmed by God showing me that He hears me even when others dont!
Amen! And thank you Jaime for your prayer and response. I am truly blessed by this forum and website. I pray Gods blessing for this ministry and all involved.
Regarding talking to my husband im afraid, i dont think i can do it. We barely talk as it is… oh Lord help me. I have been having memories pop up of me at about 8 yrs old or 7.. and im doing things to my little brother who was almost 2 yrs old. Could it be real? I knw i helped raise him… he is 18 now and respects and loves me. I knw i would never abuse my children or another child. Maybe i need professional help first before speaking to my husband? Christian counselor? How do i find a good one
I am glad this article has been a help for you Me. What are your next steps? Is there someone you trust that you can talk to about what happened to you?
thank you very much… for all your time… honestly you have helped me so much
I think I understand the fear of other people knowing Me, but that is part of the power that this secret has over you. And look what it does to you! You are forced into a box of silence so that you never risk ever letting the secret out. For other people, they never stop talking to fill up the space so no one ever gets to ask them questions that are too personal and too close to the secret they protect. Either way, you become isolated and alone.
But if you begin to open up, like you have here, and not protect this evil man’s secret, you will be set free from the box of silence that has trapped you. You won’t have to live in fear of somehow the secret slipping out because there is no secret anymore. You can allow people to get to know the real you and be loved for who you really are.
Now I am not suggesting that you walk around with a sign “I was abused”. It’s not something that is going to come up in everyday conversations. But I am encouraging you to begin to let people know who you are close to about what this man did to you. To let them know how it has hurt you. That way, when it does come up you no longer have to be afraid that it will slip out. And just like Nick Vujicic you can acknowledge that it is a part of your past but that you are choosing to not be defined as a victim. You can choose to let God take this terrible thing and use it to accomplish something beautiful, something that makes this world a better place.
because i dont want anyone to know. it hasent caused me anything until now. i dont want anyone to find out about it… im scared idk why… and now ive lost all my friends im a alone loser it feels like… it feels better just typing about it up here finally getting it off my chest and actually getting a little help from it…