Does Your Family Need to Break the Silence?
Join me as we listen in on a family meeting. The fact that there is a family meeting actually happening is a tremendous credit to everyone involved. Many issues have been popping up that nobody wanted to deal with, but now it’s time….
Ralph and Eva are 80 and 78 and still live in their own home. 55 year-old Rick and his wife Pat live in the area and already have three grandchildren. 49 year old daughter Marlene is divorced and lives in Toronto. The meeting is taking place in Ralph and Eva’s living room with Marlene joining them by speaker phone. There have been many letters, phone calls and e-mails, but now it’s time to talk.
Son Rick starts the discussion: “Mom and Dad you know we all love you and care about you both so very much. We want to be sure that you are safe and healthy.
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Daughter Marlene on the speaker phone: “I really appreciate your letters and the time we spend on the phone together. You always tell me everything is going along just fine and you don’t need any help, but sometimes I don’t believe you. I can’t help you financially and I’m not able to be there to give you support when you need it. Sometimes I feel guilty that you are getting older and I’m not doing enough.
“During our last conversation I told you that because of your age you should sell the house and move into a seniors home. I really didn’t think that one through before I said it. I didn’t consider all the changes that would bring into your lives. I spoke too soon.”
Ralph speaks up: “You don’t know how wonderful it feels to be able to talk openly about our ‘getting old’ issues with our family. We know you are worried about us – we’ve sensed that for a while. I’ll let you in on a few secrets. Sometimes it gets a bit annoying when you ‘double-check’ everything we do. (I think our minds are still good) We don’t always tell you about our visits to the doctor because when we do we usually end up with dozens of pages of medical advice from your computer. At that point we are really confused as to who to believe.
“We knew this meeting was coming up and mom and I talked a few things over. The most important thing to us is to be able to stay in our own home as long as we can! We don’t want to feel pushed to move if that is what you are thinking. In our minds we don’t need to ‘fix something that isn’t broken yet.’ Both of us have decided to listen to your advice and get some help around the house and yard.
“I know we’ve been calling you, Rick, every time something needs attention and that has probably been stressful for you. (You are a very busy man right now.) We’ve saved a bit of extra money and have decided to hire someone to cut the grass and look after maintenance around here. It’s hard for me to spend the money but I know if we want to stay here it’s the right thing to do.”
Rick’s response: “We only want what’s best for you. I’m so happy you are finally telling us what you really want. I always felt I was having to ‘second guess’ what you were saying. Pat and I will do everything we can to let you stay right where you are. All of us love coming over to your place. We were having a hard time imagining you leaving it.”
Marlene on the phone: “I’ve enjoyed a good relationship with you mom and dad. You’ve always been there for me – that’s for sure. I promise to let you make your own choices and I will support your decisions if you promise to be absolutely open with me. I’m not going to feel guilty anymore because I live so far away, and I further promise to weed your garden when I come out this summer. (You know how much I hated that when I was a kid.)
“I feel today that I’m getting a chance to love and understand you in a new way. I was secretly dreading you getting older and not really knowing what to do or say.”
The family meeting ended and life went on. Ralph and Eva lived in their own home for four more years before moving willingly to a seniors home. This family developed a process to understand the problems they would face and a plan of how to cope. They avoided the cycle of guilt, resentment, anger and bitterness.
Good advice: Face reality now. Talk, communicate, discuss….
© Allen Unrau
I think that this family did the right thing. The parents made the final decision, which is the way it should be.
My own family went through a similar situation and my parents stayed in their home with help and still putter in their gardens.