Helping Children Cope with Separation and Divorce

Written by Information Children

As difficult as separation or divorce may be for a couple, it can be very troubling for children.

Virtually all children whose parents are separating experience painful feelings such as fear, loss, anger, and confusion. However, children can and do recover. In fact, most children of separated parents grow up relatively healthy and well-adjusted. Parents can play a crucial role in helping their children cope with the crisis of their parents’ separation. With understanding and guidance, children can learn to deal with the emotional trauma of separation and the healing process can begin.

Feelings of sadness and loss

During the elementary school years, children typically experience feelings of sadness and a profound sense of loss

Does your relationship need help?: Talk to a mentor
Do you want to start over?: Facing the future after a major loss

in reaction to their parents’ separation. Strong feelings of grief and sorrow are common, and children often long for the non-resident parent and the security of their old family. Some children even feel embarrassed or ashamed about their family’s situation. Though it is less common in older children, feelings of responsibility and self-blame for the separation may occur. While some children express their anguish outwardly (i.e. crying), others struggle to hold their emotions inside.

What can parents do?

help children express their feelings verbally and non-verbally (i.e. art, music, writing)
acknowledge children’s emotions and help them understand what they are feeling
reassure children that their feelings are normal and okay
provide age-appropriate explanations for the separation so children know it isn’t their fault
help children meet other kids whose parents have separated so they know they’re not alone
consider enrolling children in a separation/ divorce support group

Anxiety and fear

Fear and worry are also common reactions among elementary school children with separating parents. The safety and security of family routines are often disrupted when parents separate, which may leave children feeling scared and insecure. Some children experience an overwhelming sense of helplessness in the face of the many changes in their lives. Younger children may even be afraid that their parents will abandon them or stop loving them. The conflict that children often witness between parents during this transition is also extremely stressful and can result in anxiety. Sometimes children at this age will talk quite openly about their concerns. However, nervous habits such as fidgeting or nail biting and physical symptoms such as stomach aches or headaches are also common. Among older children, withdrawal from friends and social activities is another sign of worry or fear.

What can parents do?

avoid conflict in the presence of children
minimize disruptions in family routines
tell children what changes to expect in their lives: where they will live, who will care for them and so on
reassure children that you love them and will continue to take care of them
allow older children some input into custody/ visitation plans but maintain ultimate responsibility for making decisions
provide steady and predictable parenting
set aside special time with each child
encourage children to express their worries, acknowledge and validate their feelings
teach children relaxation and coping skills

Anger and aggression

Angry feelings are also common among elementary school children whose parents are separating. Sometimes children are outraged at parents for separating and may berate or scold parents for their actions. They may express their anger by blaming parents for causing the separation. Older children may try to initially hurt parents through verbal attacks expressing their anger. Children’s anger at parents may take more subtle forms too, such as uncooperative behaviour, arguing about rules, or complaining about chores. Sometimes children’s anger shows itself in aggressive behaviour and fights with other children or siblings as well.

What can parents do?

let children know it’s okay to be mad
teach children healthy ways to express anger (e.g. talking, artwork, sports)
be firm when children’s angry behaviour is inappropriate and encourage better ways to cope with their feelings
remind children how to deal with frustration and conflicts with other children
let school teachers and other caregivers know about the separation so they can help the child cope.

Virtually all children experience some difficulty adjusting to the changes brought on by parental separation. In most cases, the emotional wounds heal over time and children recover from the crisis. If a child’s distress is extreme or persists for an extended period, professional counseling or intervention can help. By being aware of the ways that separation can affect children, parents can take steps to ease the difficulties children often face, and help them cope more successfully.

Recommended books:

Helping Your Child Through Your Divorce by Florence Bienenfeld
When Mom and Dad Separate by M. Heegaard
Helping Children Cope With Divorce by A. Teyber.

Tags: divorce, Family, information children, Men, parenting, stress, Women

9 Responses to “Helping Children Cope with Separation and Divorce”

MyOntarioDivorce.com: The Blog » Blog Archive » Dealing with feelings says:

February 15, 2011 at 6:16 am

[...] Source Tags: Canada divorce, Children and Divorce, counselling, Divorce, Healing, ontario divorce, school teachers [...]
Janet says:

February 22, 2011 at 5:48 am

I found your website helpful but said. It is such ashame that children should even have to be put threw any pain or problems. I am a christian and am seeking ways to help my 8 year old niece cope with her parents. Thank God they have not yet separated but my sister is leaning towards doing that. She and my brother-in-law have both been saved and baptised, my sister about 3 years ago and him almost a year ago. The devil has such a whole on her heart and is draining the life out of that family so fast. They also have two older children age 26, a son and daughter 20 saved about 2 years ago. They all have fallen out of church. The grandmother a wonderful christian lady keeps the little girl afterschool and they are very close am are we. We both lover her so….. much and fear the pain she will be put threw because her mother is not living right and wants to move out to pursue a new life with her male friend. I love my sister but do not like her right now and we have always been so close. The devil has taken her over and at this point seems to be winning. Please pray for us all!!!
Earnest says:

July 18, 2011 at 7:42 am

First of all we shouldnt be teaching ways to cope w/separation but only ways to keep the marriage together. I’m looking for ways to show the worst case scenarios of what happens to children through separation and everyone explains how to have children cope…….we should be teaching a way to keep families together and cope w/the troubles or problems that the family faces.
Claire Colvin says:

July 18, 2011 at 10:20 am

Earnest – I completely disagree. Sometimes, in spite of the very best efforts of one partner, a marriage fails. To suggest that people just need to work harder to save their marriage is cruel. If one spouse decides that they do not want to be in the relationship, the marriage will end. If the relationship is abusive, it needs to end. Suggesting that offering no support to those whose families have been ripped apart will somehow contribute to saving marriages is simply untrue.

Yes it is in everyone’s best interest to keep a family together whenever it is safe to do so. Yes, it would be lovely if all marriages could be healed, if no family ever broke up. But we’re grown-ups, we know it doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes marriages fail and when that happens children go through enormous stress along with the parents. It’s important to help parents know what they can do to help their children through this awful time.
Ernest says:

July 18, 2011 at 12:13 pm

I deeply do understand that people will separate no matter what…..I just know what he bible says about marriage and the ONLY way you can divorce, “abuse or adultery.” I wish people would do what the bible teaches and nothing more but then again that would be like telling sinners to straighten up. I really love my wife but she wants out and my hands are tied. We have three beautiful loving children and they dont want to leave their dad. We’ve been married 13 yrs, been through alot and lost everything from the recession but we can do it….
Andrew says:

July 23, 2011 at 8:51 pm

I believe that all marriages can be saved however the only way that this can occur is by allowing the Holy Spirit to heal the hurts. Divorce is never the answer however many times in life people do not see what is happening in the home. When divorce does occur if there are children involved then it is important that God’s love still come through the spouse who did not wish to get divorced.

In John 8:32 Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free. If you are married and having difficulties ask Christ through the Holy Spirit to show you the truth. When you know the truth then you can deal with the issue and be set free. It is only God who can let a person know if they should get divorced as there are many issues that others are unaware of. If a husband or wife is addicted to porn then as Jesus said when someone looks lustfully at another mans wife he has already committed adultery. If every night porn is being watched then adultery is being committed according to Christ. Tragedies do occur it is how we deal with the tragedy that matters as children from broken homes still can be taught Christian values and God’s love.

God takes a tragedy and makes something beautiful out of the tragedy as he knows we are sinners. David committed adultery,lied, and killed he suffered for it but without his suffering we would not have the Psalms which many people are comforted. The book of Proverbs would not be in the Bible as King Solomon was Bethseba’s son that was born form King David. Many times in our lives we do not want to cause pain to the ones we love however tragic divorce is no matter how hard we try to prevent it in our lives it does occur. This gives us an opportunity to show God’s love to the children and others around us.
Anne says:

September 15, 2011 at 10:20 pm

I am divorced due to stubborness and pride I am now paying the price of a single life. Through prayer and asking for forgiveness I have faith and hope because I made my peace wiht God and my ex-husband. I can not help thinking sometimes what a terrible mistake I made, had I known the truth of DIVORCE.
It has struk again, my daughter and her husband are seeing lawyers but nothing concreate has happened, they have sold their house and living apart. Mu daughter has the kids and it is very sad to see her two daughters, their anxiety, arguing about rules and aggressive behaviou toward their mother and each ohter.
I pray this does not work out and they are able to see what harm this is doing to their girls. Root cause in this situation is money,infidelity and no knowledge on parenting they are both stubborn and did not like advice.
Bernard says:

September 20, 2011 at 12:11 am

I pray with you Anne that this will not turn out and that the children will be free from chaos and guilt. I pray for Peace in this family and that they will be able to reconcile. Thank you Lord for your love. Amen
melly says:

February 5, 2012 at 12:48 pm

I have to say not all marriages can be saved. The children are the innocent victims in all of this. I have 2 young children and their father and i divorced over PTSD. He was deployed way too many times in our 8 year marriage. It was hard for us to go from being a single parent and a single soldier to being a married couple with children. He was deployed 6 times in 8 years. I am grateful for his service but his service ended our marriage because we couldnt stop fighting over me doing what i have always done surviving. When i found out i had cancer that was the straw that broke the camels back. I dont know if it was because he couldnt fix my cancer or because he felt responsible but he found what i couldnt provide in the arms of another woman. They are now married and have chosen not to have a relationship with my children which is very sad but it is what it is. My daughter have had alot of issues due to our divorce in the past 3 1/2 years. They are finally able to go to friends and family members houses for a sleep over with out crying or needing to come home to momma. I miss being married but i dont miss that bad parts of that marriage or always being alone. Now i have a small loving family. We spend alot of family time together so that they can see how to be independant and still know how to take care of life.