Dealing With Your Teen and Sneaky Deceit

Written by Dennis and Barbara Rainey

deceitOften, a child will take advantage of you in any way he can to get to do what he wants. Just when you think you’ve told him what is expected of him, he comes back with statements like:

“I didn’t understand what you were saying. I thought you meant…”

“I forgot.”

“I didn’t hear you.”

“You didn’t say that.”

The solid ground you thought you were standing on starts to shift, and as a parent you wind up thinking, Was I unclear? What did I tell him, anyway?

The first step in solving this problem is to write things down. With six children, I (Barbara) really can’t remember everything I say. When you’re giving directions to so many, you do forget. I don’t write down everything, but I have started a section in my notebook where I record penalties, disciplines, and rules on the issues that are very important.

All chores, for example, are written out and posted in the kitchen. I spell out what a clean kitchen looks like. This prevents our children from taking advantage of any fuzziness in our directions.

After establishing that foundation, challenge your teens when you think they are not being truthful: “Now, I know you heard me” or “I think you selectively chose not to hear me. And I want you to know that’s a lie; that’s not the truth.” Discipline may be appropriate. You may also want to warn them that persisting in this behavior will lead to bad consequences in the future: “When you are an adult, you can pretend not to hear, but it will get you fired from a job.”

Disciplining deceit

So what happens if you catch your child red-handed in a lie?

Let’s say your daughter spent the night with a friend and told you the next day that they watched a clean family movie. Then you learn that the movie was anything but clean and that she knew it all along.

After uncovering the lie, one of your assets as a parent is to delay punishment—not too long, but long enough to let the child’s imagination run a bit wild. Take a few hours or even wait overnight. Set your game plan. Stick your heads together and pray over your options.

When you meet with your child, first find out why he felt the need to lie to you. Is there something amiss in your relationship? Does he feel overly restricted?

Don’t let your child rationalize the deceit. He may try to take the offense back into that gray area.

Then, choose a consequence that involves restricting something your child loves to do. On one occasion, we disciplined one of our boys by telling him he couldn’t be part of his baseball team for a game; he had to sit on the sidelines and watch, and he was their top pitcher. That was a memorable punishment for him. For our girls, grounding them from the phone, their favorite source of social interaction is a painful penalty. Recently we’ve added e-mail to the list of privileges to remove as a discipline.

Your discipline needs to match the level of deceit. If it really has been a crafty deceit, perhaps a con job perpetrated over a long period of time, the discipline needs to be more severe. It needs to imprint the lesson on your teen’s character.

Finally, let your child know that he will need to earn back your trust. When you deceive another person, it takes time for that relationship to be healed and for trust to be reestablished.

For the single parent

Being single-handed as a parent means that you need an even better network of spies and eyes looking out for the best interests of your child. Consider a number of parents who have children the same age as yours and commission them to help you catch your child doing things right or wrong.

Ask these friends to occasionally step into your child’s life to just see how he is doing. And if your child is going through a period where he or she is being deceptive, you might want to consider using these friends to intervene in your child’s life, to confront and rescue him or her from the trap of deception.


48 Responses to “Dealing With Your Teen and Sneaky Deceit”

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Sonya, it is important for you to let him know that he is responsible for his choices and to allow him to experience the consequences of his unhealthy ones. I have found that asking questions can be a great way to help young adults to realize the right choices to make without being forced. Ask questions that help him look ahead to the consequences of his choices, and to help him discover some of the complexities of life. Reassure him of your love for him no matter what, and work hard at remaining calm in the storms that come to him. Be a safe place for him to talk about what is happening in his life. You don’t have to say you approve of all he does but make sure he knows you love him even when he chooses differently than you want him to.

    Let me pray for you; Lord Jesus, You know the tension that has grown in Sonya’s home and the conflicts that so easily break out between her and her son. I pray that You would bring peace to their relationship. Help Sonya to follow Your leading in the way she interacts with him. Let her trust be in You for the well-being of her son, even when he is making choices that bring hurt and suffering. Help build in him a respect for his mother and let him know her love for him. Amen

  • Sonya says:

    I want to know how do i get him to know i love him no matter what and except responsabilities.I give him the truth and i dont cover up nothing.But we clash all the time.What do i do about us getting into a fist fight.Or the disrespect.

  • Sharon says:

    to Elle prayer–father God I do lift Elle up in prayer and others who are seeking some insight for their family I pray for the son and the daughter I pray that they will open their eyes to see on what they are doing to their mother I pray for their salvation. I pray for this father for his salvation too bless Elle and I pray for her I pray for other Christians to come along her path to encourage her I pray all of this in JESUS name amen I am praying for you. I feel for you I am sure its tough raising these children alone God eb with you at this time– sharon

  • Elle says:

    I have a 13 almost 14 year old son and a 16 year old daughter. My son is very active in sports and I have found that every so often he has been using his practice times as a source to stay out longer. He doesn’t come directly home from school as I have constantly asked him to and we live just behind the school (it’s a 2 minute walk). He often says things like “I have to stay because of practice-we’re not allowed to leave or they won’t let us back in”. Ive called the school to check the truth behind these occasions and they dont hold much value to his words. It’s now to a point that I have tried taking things away from him, but I am a single mom and we dont have much and I feel as if he knows that he can kinda play on my emotions about that sometimes because I end up giving them back before I even realize it. His behavior is very lacsidasical. When I try and talk to him about it, he says he feels like he can’t do the things he should because he doesn’t know or understand how… He was diagnosed with ADD a few years ago but his dad- who is not in the home- talks him into believing and thinking he doesn’t need the medication. His grades are terrible and i’m worried for him and his future.

    My 16yr old daughter has always been an emotionally challenging child. Her bio dad dismisses her and doesn’t acknowledge her, but my ex husband her “dad” is not and hasn’t been in our home in years and he’s always been the “ok…as soon as I can-but doesn’t happen” type that leaves them with such high expectations that I end up having to bear witness and sweep up the aftermath of their/her distraught. We just moved back to a suburban community that we were away from for about 5 years…we’ve been back now for 3 years and the community has drastically changed- it has a very much more urban and city feel now. My daughter made a friend the first year here who has now become her “bestie” she-her friend, drinks and smokes pot, which is new information to me. My daughter doesn’t notice that her personality changes when she’s around and i’ve commented to her before and she just asks me to trust her. That she doesn’t behave as her friends do…I recently took her phone as punishment and I have never wanted to invade my children’s privacy but later that day I opened a message and couldn’t believe the words on the screen. She talked about how she had tried pot once and would consider it again… I was floored. She was diagnosed a few years ago with disruptive behavior disorder or whatever it is called now and ADD. Her grades are horrible as well and I am at a loss as to what the next step is.

    Whoever does finally read this, please keep my family as well as the other families that are seeking some insight in your prayers.


  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Dorothy, it is scary to see your child growing older but making progressively poorer choices. In that maturing process, you as a parent will have less and less influence on her choices. There is a switch from authoritative influence to a trust-bases influence. As your daughter goes through this transitional process, it is key to build the trust-base so that you will have a continuing influence in her life.

    I think how that happens in the life of a 14 year old is to be very intentional in communicating your love for her, even when she makes poor choices. In your discipline and boundary setting, let her know that you love her; focus on changing your tone so that there is a clear expression of love that she can hear. Find creative ways of telling her of the source of your love. That does not mean that you release her from the consequences of her actions, but go over the top of letting her know that no matter what she does, your love for her will always remain. As she continues to grow, she will be more likely to allow you to speak into her life if she knows that she will always have that cherished place in your heart.

    It is also good for her to connect with her in a personal way, recognizing her as a maturing young lady who is increasingly able to relate to you as an adult. Talk to her about the joys and struggles of your life and ask for her insight. She will surprise you and will grow to understand you better. Again this will build the trust in your relationship and keep those doors open.

    Your statement “I can’t force her to be a Jesus Follower” is very true, even though it can be a hard thing to accept. She does have to make her own choices and as a parent, you want to refrain from trying to force or manipulate that decision in her life. That’s why prayer is such an important part of your life: you want to pray for her asking that the Spirit would reveal Jesus to her, and also pray that He would lead you to know what to say and what not to say. Every interaction with her should be a signal to depend on the leading of the Spirit in your life; listen closely for His direction so that you know how to respond to the things she says and does.

    Make sure she knows that part of your life. Be free in sharing how you are looking for the Spirit’s leading in your life and how you experience that leading. There are few things that attract people to Jesus like an example of an authentic relationship with Jesus lived out in front of them. The closer you are to Jesus, and the more open you are about His impact in your life, the more intrigued others will be to find out about Him.

    As she continues to grow, you will need to begin releasing the restrictions on her and giving her the freedom to make her own choices, good or bad. Look to Jesus for direction on when and how best to do that. He generously gives wisdom to all who ask (James 1:5) so you can trust that He will reveal that to you in His perfect time.

    Let me pray for you: Lord God, I pray for my sister Dorothy and ask that You pour out Your wisdom into her life. Fill her with Your love so that it pours out of her life into her daughter’s. Help her to trust in Your Spirit as she tries to guide her daughter through this difficult part of life. Draw them closer together in love and trust, even when they don’t see eye-to-eye. I pray for this young lady who has been troubled by something and finds herself pushing against the restraint of her parents. I ask that You would break through the lies that have had a hold on her. Give her a trust with her mom so that she can open up about any hurt or frustration that she is feeling. Guard her from making destructive choices and from friends who have a negative influence on her. Instead, let her discover Your love and forgiveness for herself. Transform her into Your image and use her for Your purposes in this world. Amen.

    Dorothy, do you have people in your life that you trust to give you godly advice in these matters? Let me invite you to talk with one of our mentors who do such a good job of helping people see Jesus in the midst of life, and hear what He is saying to them. There is no charge and it fits into your busy schedule Just fit out the Mentor Request form at and one of our mentors will be in touch with you soon by email.

  • Dorothy Krawczyk says:

    my daughter is 14. We homeschool our children, always have. With God’s help I have caught her in so many deceitful things. One little click on the internet has opened her mind to a world of darkness. We have blocks on our computers and she isn’t and has never been allowed to be on the internet without a parent. She has sneakedly deceived us. She always finds ways around our blocks.
    She constantly lies to us… wehave stressed to her that she has broken our trust and she will have to earn it back. As soon as we start trusting her again I bust her again.
    She has done self harm in the past when her grandma passed away…but has stopped.

    She was accused of a crime about a year ago, we wanted to believe her but she lies so much we couldn’t. So we had a very expensive lie detector done. Passed in the crime part… but failed in another part.

    She tells me she is changing and sorry. I tell her that her words are only words… she needs to show me.

    She is a sweet girl.
    She has some online classes so she needs to be on the Internet. .. she has to sit next to me at
    all times. There are times I need to leave her unattended… I do have 2 other younger children.
    I have told her she is robbing her brothers of my attention because I need to spend so much time making sure she isn’t breaking the rules.
    We really don’t have many rules…. do your school, be nice, stay OFF THE INTERNET! Simple. I don’t know what to do.
    I have stressed to her she can only change with God’s help.
    I can’t force her to be a Jesus Follower.
    I just want to enjoy being her Mom. Most days now… I don’t even like her…. if you met her, she is the sweetest thing… satan really has a grip on her. She has also told me she is transgendered. ..another thing she found on the iInternet. At 14 I never even heard that word.
    We have put strict rules on the way she dresses. She can only be on the phone in rooms that we can hear her conversation. She does not have her own phone… never has. She was doing so good, so I thought, then i went into her computer bag, because her computer has to stay with me, and she left the bag…but took the computer to her room…I snuck in her room and she was under her blankets in a chat room.
    She lost her own room and has to share a room with her brothers because she isn’t allowed to be alone. Everyone in our family has made sacrifices to try to help her.

    I am lost and out of ideas.

  • Amanda says:

    Leave god out of parenting it teaches kids do do what tgey want because god will forgive them and sets them up to fail…. Best to just stick to no religious practices with kids

  • Tali says:

    You should take away the phone. If she isn’t using it responsibly, she isn’t old enough to have it. I got my first cell phone when I was 24, she’ll be fine without it.

  • Julie says:

    My 16 year old step daughter is continues to lie to her father’s face when he ask her if she bought anything at the mall (and than I find the receipts), shed tears on demand and was suspended from school for 3 days last month for smoking in the school bathroom. My husband is not aware that she has downloaded again an app that she was grounded last year for watching soft porn. My husband has always handle the disciplining. My husband works long hours so my step daughter is home with me after her practices. She studies at the table and all electronics are downstairs, but she still manages to sneak them on to her phone because my husband doesn’t have parental control on them.

  • Tali says:

    Thank you for that, we are Catholic, and our children have been raised as such, however, he seems not to fear God any more than his elders. If only it were that simple, but the truth of your statement is there: he will not change until he wants to. I know this well. I just wish to find something, some angle, that can inspire his desire to change. I believe strongly that God works miracles on people’s hearts, but it hasn’t touched my son’s. Perhaps it will when he is older, as it has with me.

  • Chris says:

    molly….jesus i am lifting up molly, her husband and her son so that your perfect wisdom can come into this situation according to james 1. we are asking for your sollution, your balance in discipline and your understanding on how to unlock this heart from sin and disobedience and have it given unto you. praise you for acts 16.31. we are standing together for household salvation so that each member of this family can come into a perfect harmony through faith in jesus christ and that there be no division according to 1 corinthians 1.10 for in your name i pray amen!

  • Chris says:

    tali….i regret to hear of your sons situation….though the bible tells us that children are a blessing from the lord, that isnt always true unless we raise them in the fear and admonition of the lord which means jesus needs to be a part of our lives as parents so we can include christ in rearing our children and bringing them to jesus too for his salvation and forgiveness. you see, unless your son understands that he is sinning first and foremost against God whom he will have to answer to one day, he may not see his actions as wrong since there is a lack of Gods standard being presented to him from the bible. the bible teaches us how to live and what God expects from us, the highest authority. i would suggest that you first be sure that you are not rebellilng against God but repenting of your own sins and receiving jesus as your own lord and savior. once you do that then you can help your son and other children come into a saving relationship with christ as well. only jesus can reach in and change a heart. as you see, what you are doing from the outside, has not been able to penetrate your sons heart since only jesus is the true king of hearts. for more information on knowing jesus christ as your personal lord and savior, log onto or click talk to a mentor above. as you do, then you will find the peace you need to minister it to your son so that he too can find the inner peace from God he so desperately lacks. praying for you now, blessings always, bye!

  • Tali says:

    My son is 12. He acts like he’s 15, though the behavior was never encouraged. He lies, steals, bullys his younger brothers, one of whom is disabled, and is rude and disrespectful to myself, his father, his teachers, and his grandparents even. He won’t behave unless he is in control of everyone in his life. We have consequences,but he continues the behaviors in spite of them. He truly believes he is more capable of taking care of himself than any adult, yet all of his choices lean toward poor. For example, he will steal his disabled brother’s flashlight, hide it, lie to us that he did it, steal the candies from the same brother’s yogurt, when he says he will tell us, he will then return the flashlight he stole to bribe him not to tell. Of course he told anyway, as he always does, and we gave consequences, but it does not stop the behavior. I wish it was as simple as ignoring him, or sitting on him constantly, but I have 5 children, not one, and two are toddlers, and as such need more supervision than a 12 year old boy who is basically normal, aside from the massive defiant streak, should require. I want him to have the same privileges as his 10 and 11 year old brothers, but the last time I allowed him to go to a friend’s house, he hit the poor boy over the head with a baseball bat. He claimed it was an accident, however, the boy’s mother won’t allow my son to visit anymore, so I think I’m lucky she didn’t press charges. How do you get through to a child who honestly believes his actions are always right, and that you are wrong for giving consequences, even when you try to explain it to him? We have tried rewards, grounding, time out, posting the house rules, if a parenting expert said it, we’ve tried it. Nothing has worked. He seems to care about being spanked, and will adjust his behavior at least until you are out of sight, but nothing has lasting impression required to make him fear breaking the rules enough to not want to break them. He’s tried running away multiple times, but each time the police told him to listen to his parents, but he lied to them about where he lived and what happened, which they found out quickly, since his lies were inconsistent, then he was just rude to them. We have been dealing with this behavior from him since he was 2, and it is very hard, especially for my husband, who bears the worst of my son’s attitude. My husband loves him very much, and is hurt by this treatment, but I’m just angry. I’m angry that he would treat him this way, that he would be disrespectful to me, as I know I’ve taught him better, and that he would risk his own future just to, as he says “be different”. If he wanted to dye his hair purple, that would be different, but I would be ok with it, but this is not different, it’s just wrong. My rules are simple, no running in the house, no wrestling in the house or when toddlers are present, no taking other’s things without permission, no lying, no stealing, no hitting, no yelling in the house or when toddlers are napping, no leaving garbage everywhere, no shoes on in the house, be in before dark, brush your teeth hair shower and change clothes daily, and eat your vegetables. They each have chores, but he refuses to do his, and he actually has the least of anyone, which is to pick up his dirty clothes and put them in the hamper.If I want it done I have to sit on him the whole time, or else do it myself, and that isn’t easy because he turns it into a fight. Which I still don’t understand since I just say what needs to be done and don’t get sucked in to his arguments, since I am aware it’s a stalling tactic. Basically we know all his tricks, he never gets away with them, is aware that we know, and continues to do it anyway. He truly seems to enjoy being disagreeable. Sorry for the long post, but I had to get that out, as I have been dealing with it for far too long, and no one has had any idea what to do with him.

  • Anonymous says:

    I’m a 14 year old girl, raised Catholic. I have read some of these responses on this forum and I think most of them are absolutely crazy. I have a past of self harm, suicidal thoughts, numerous counselors, psychiatrists, ect. My parents have been divorced since I was age 6 or 7, now they are both remarried, which has had me move houses several times. With that being said, I have some responses… Ashley: Your general house rules seem to be acceptable. I don’t understand why you took her phone away for having a relationship? Chances are, an 8th grade relationship will go no where anyway, so what is the point of taking her phone away for an entire summer? Unless you know for sure something inappropriate is happening in the relationship, I do not see a reason to punish her for it. As for her erasing text messages, that is completely normal for a teenage girl to want privacy. Parents should not know every detail about their child’s life. If you claim that your daughter is a really good kid, then you should be easier on her and have trust in her that she is doing the right thing. I have a similar experience with this, with my father and stepmother putting numerous restrictions on my phone, only allowing me to talk from 6am-10pm. Reasonable, but, with a past of self harm and suicidal thoughts this caused me to relapse and become worse. You truly don’t know what your child’s inner thoughts are, she could be the same way. I relapsed due to not being able to talk to anyone to calm me down, and getting the anxiety knowing I cannot talk to anyone and I’m alone. That also lead me to moving out of my fathers house, and he no longer speaks to me (we haven’t had a civil conversation for over 7 months). Kyla: What truly offended me about your post is the fact that you said your daughter cuts herself and attempted suicide for “attention”. You need to talk to her to figure out what would make her not have the thought of doing such things, such as counseling, medication, anything. Self harm is a serious issue. In the beginning it may be for attention, but it can and will turn into an addiction. In my case, I began (at about age 11) because I had heard of other girls doing it, and that it was stress relieving. It is just like starting an addiction to smoking, you first wonder “why do people do this?”, but knowing that there is a reason they do it, so you continue, then you find yourself in an addiction. That is how it was with me. It sounds to me like your stepdaughter needs to be reevaluated by a psychiatrist to get a plan to help her.

  • Anita says:

    I am mere stepmom, devoted wife and licensed Evangelist. Here comes hard part: I married a man with two children 11 and 14 back in 2011. We had hit a wall when his oldest threatened to kill me due to his drug issue because husband failed to believe me. He kicked me out and when I came back 3 days later he had been on porn even while kids up! Then his 3rd child a boy starts lying and acting up and he believes him over his second child (the 14yr old) repeatedly!! The 11 year old even is so brass as to tell me his Dad wont believe anything he does so he will do what he wants. This turns out to be true! So his daughter and I continue for 3 years of this with his son being believed no matter what is said. Even when school is called, hubby calls it all normal tho son poked girl in boob for a week and then took flute and jammed it up her crotch! Well by May of last year hubby tells his daughter and I he realizes he is wrong and tells son no more. SOn is at his Moms over summer, fist 7 weeks seem good but daughter moves out as she turned 18 and tired of Dad ignoring everyone in the house. I get calls from school:1) Son not doing homework, talking out of class bullying a kid whos Mom dying of cancer 2) He bullied a Handicapped kid 3)in Band at game groping girls and when they ask him to stop he keeps going so when all got on bus big fight, leader peer tells him to knock it off and he tells him to shut the [expletive removed] up gets kicked off bus (We get called down and Dad stays home. I show up, tell hubby what is going on and he calls me a liar. Then we find son making chart of every correction from his Dad as Child abuse which is false!) 4) His sister also told school about what he did at game and he found out so took a walk down senior hall telling he she better change her story. She refused to so he kicked her locker in! (He told me night before he was going to MAKE everyone who turned him in go down to principal and change their story and I told him he certainly better NOT!) Hubby did correct him finally for all these detentions but school informed us two more and he is kicked out and that he needs 6 months of in house help. This was 7 weeks ago and hubby has made no attempt. If son does anything like mouth off to me, hubby makes excuses and then I get upset and he yells at me infront of son saying sons only problem is ME! He has said this on this week 3 times while still refusing to get him help. I called his Mom so that she can if he wont but feeling emotionally and otherwise abused and treated as a kid. Hubby says his son not really mouthing off or refusing to do chores, accidently spewing out things and forgets (consistantly) what his chores are when we already have them written on board in laundry, on frig, and had him write them for himself 2 years ago and they have not changed. Oh and hubby yells he doesnt LOVE me in front of the boy constantly and easily angers if try to converse about anything! Has no time to even play a game when son is acting decent!

  • Molly says:

    Chris, thanks for your comments. The reason I came to this site is b/c my husband, son and myself are Christians. That’s why we’re taking this so seriously. We’ve tried talking to him as our son, talking and sharing with him as a brother in Christ. My son doesn’t work until Friday and my husband and I are praying about whether or not to make him quit his job since we feel that’s where this outside influence is coming from. Then again, we’re praying about maybe showing him the lesson of mercy and grace and let him know yes, you deserve to be punished, but we all make mistakes, and the same way God showed us His mercy and grace, we’ll show you the same. That’s where we are right now, please pray with us on that.

  • Chris says:

    molly….sorry to hear of your stuggles…raising children is truly a full time job and we really will need to have Gods help with it since children are a heritage from the lord. psalm 127.3. as you, your sons prarents, show your son how to live for jesus and his glory, then he will begin to see that his juvenile interests and tricks arent worth his time. he needs to see this for himself as you show him the way. i would encourage you to log onto or click talk to a mentor above so that you can begin your own sonship relationship with christ today. as you do, your son will begin seeing the difference your life and hpefullly your husbands so he will want what you have and no longer want what he currently thinks is important. praying for you now that you would all become sons and daughters of the most high God! blessings!

  • Molly says:

    My husband and I have discovered that our 16 year old son has been deceptive. Two weeks ago we grounded him from his cell phone because he got in a car wreck while on his cell phone. He agreed to the punishment and gladly handed over the phone (I think the wreck really scared him) When he handed over his cell phone I noticed that he had 2 apps on it that previously we made him remove because he misbehaved on them. It was explained that he was asked to remove these so how are they back on the phone? He said he put them back on the next day after being asked to remove them. So I said Ok that’s deliberately disobeying me so now you get to hand over all of your social media devices(computer, laptop, Kindle) and I need to mention that I didn’t purchase any of these items for my son, he bought them with his own money saved by working a part-time job on the weekends. A week goes by and he comes home from work and demands we give him back his things and that we’ve stolen from him. I let him know that we he bought these things that if he acts up that they are not exempt from any punishment he might receive. The next day he apologized for acting the way he did and things have been getting on well but he is still finishing out his grounding with one week left. Well the last day of his grounding would’ve been today, but yesterday he went to work and came home and said he was going to “take a nap” about 30 min. into that nap Google alerted me that he had set up a new cell phone that he must’ve purchased on his break from work. It was my birthday, so my husband and I haven’t said anything to him yet, before I do I just needed some advice on how to handle this situation. He didn’t act like this until he got his girlfriend and it’s funny but he also doesn’t give us any problems until he comes home from work….what would you do?

  • Alfred says:

    Hi Sarah,
    Thanks for that observation. I’ll remember that sexual abuse often had this destructive behavior as a consequence. Blessings.

  • Kate says:

    Hi Sarah, while every child and situation is different, it is encouraging to hear that you are working through the situation with your daughter. It is helpful to recognize that we are not alone in what we’re going through.

  • sarah says:

    To the woman with the 14 yr old step daughter . I’m not sure if this has been said yet or not but it sounds like the cutting, lying , stealing , ect. Is a classic case of sexual abuse sadly. You may want to think about a councilor and see if she opens up about anything . if not great! But every child I’ve run across with a sexual abuse history seems to have all the traights you spoke of . its a long battle . my daughter was assulted age 5 and she is also 14 and I’m still battling her behavior everyday . its taking a lot of healing and much needed therapy but our little family is getting there . I wish you all the luck and am keeping your step daughter in my thoughts! <3

  • Alfred says:

    Hi Kyla, Your daughter in adolescence is at an age when she needs to be making more decisions on her own, but needs her mother’s guidance. I suggest that you & her together decide what rules she needs to follow. That must include appropriate consequences for not complying with what’s been set up. For example, how she expect to get good marks if her home-work has not been done. She needs to take responsibility for getting that work completed, in order to reap the rewards. She needs to know that when she can act in a responsible fashion she’s ready for more autonomy; but when she requires the authority of a mother, it will still be there to guide her! This will develop into a trusting relationship between you two. Ask her to participate in setting boundaries for herself.
    To borrow what Jamie said in July, I’ll say “Posing open-ended questions that help her consider aspects of her choices that she may not be considering is a useful tool. Try to avoid offering your opinion until she asks for it. Work hard at trying to know and understand her motivations for the choices she makes.
    “Many parents find it very helpful to seek outside help in establishing healthy patterns for this adjustment in roles. Having a qualified family counselor meet with you and your daughter can give an objective viewpoint. Focus On The Family has resources to help connect you to a qualified family counsellor It is definitely worth the time to check it out to see how your family can benefit.” Prayerfully yours, Alfred.

  • Kyla says:

    My step daughter is 14. Her mother is worthless. She has 4 other children and all of them dropped out but one. My husband and I have been together for 4 years. We have 3 Children together. 4 years old, 2 year old and a 4 month old. His daughter is always lying. Will refuse to do what I ask of her. Steals things. Teaches my younger children that it’s okay to lie and keep secrets. She acts like she 2. She cuts her self, she try’s to hang her self ( all for attention). Shes on depression medication. Her mother doesn’t make her take them, or doesn’t keep them put up. She’s to old to be sitting on her dads lap and hanging all over him. The school got Dhs involved because she cut in class, her mother got mad at the counselor instead of doing something with the child. She’s been hospitalized 2xs. She does counseling. NOTHING IS WORKING. It’s to the point my husband and I are constantly fighting because of her. I think she needs nothing and needs to be punished. He thinks she doesn’t because he doesn’t want her to live with her mom. I have found a weed pipe in her room. and I am at my end. I need help and nothing is working. Her mom and dad have been separated for 6 years. She plays I just want my mom and dad together. She acts like she’s some kid who’s had such a horrible life. She hasn’t.

  • Chris says:

    cristal…sorry to hear of this situation…i suppose the days have long gone when the boy or man really, came to call and visited the daughter in her home. there wasnt any going off alone to who-knows-where so they could get into physicality which your daughter most likely is doing with this boy. its hard to lay down a law when its not in a persons heart to do it, especially Young people who are emotionally charged towards the opposite sex for a first time experience in life. the best way to get to your daughters heart is by seeing that you really cant, only God can which means you too need to give your heart to the lord jesus also. only christ can change hearts. only christ can truly convict us on the inside when we are doing something wrong and displeasing to him. yes, you have the right to law down the law but the best way is to lay down the grace of christ and allow it to come to you so that you can begin sharing it with your daughter and through prayer. i pray you would and that you would log onto or click talk to a mentor above to start your own personal relationship with jesus today and start leading your daughter towards the lord also. God bless you as you do!

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Crystal, your daughter is getting to an age where role as her mother is switching from being the authority in her life to becoming a trusted guide or advisor. That is a hard switch to make because it means risking that she will make some poor decisions. But it can also be very rewarding to see your child making good decisions and developing a mature relationship with her.

    The transition is going to be a little weird for your daughter as well. On one hand she is used to your authoritative role and part of her will still want that familiarity; but at the same time she will want to have more autonomy and will push back against your boundaries.

    Your goal should be to develop a trusting relationship with her. A great way to move in that direction is to help her think through the choices she is making. Posing open-ended questions that help her consider aspects of her choices that she may not be considering is a useful tool. Try to avoid offering your opinion until she asks for it. Work hard at trying to know and understand her motivations for the choices she makes. Ask her to participate in setting boundaries for herself.

    Many parents find it very helpful to seek outside help in establishing healthy patterns for this adjustment in roles. Having a qualified family counselor meet with you and your daughter can give an objective viewpoint. Focus On The Family has resources to help connect you to a qualified family counsellor It is definitely worth the time to check it out to see how your family can benefit.

  • Crystal says:

    I was reading what you had here.

    My daughter is 16, and I’ve tried to stir her in the right direction of how she needs to be, but since she’s getting older she seems to lie and pretend she doesn’t hear me. She has been friends with a boy who used to attend the high school she attends but he has graduated. They’ve hung out together in the past and I have been really strict with the time she has to be back home because she tends to want to do what she wants when she’s with her friend. I told her if they hung out together, she had to be back home at 8. which means he came to the house and got her around 5 and I told her she had to back home by 8. Two times I told this to her and each time it was after 8. Now the boy wants to spend a day with her before she goes back to school. I don’t trust the boy cause of how he acted when I first met him and even her brother didn’t like him. Then if she and I want to do something she wanted to invite him but he has stated he’s busy.

    I don’t trust her around him and I don’t trust him around her. She’s already been warned about the guy once from me, then from a lady who worked at the hospital when he dated her daughter, then from her brother. so something isn’t right there.

    How do I nip this in the bud and let her see him for who he really is?

  • Chris says:

    Jack…this sounds like a tough situation for you….we see on every hand today so many family troubles…divorces, children being raised wrongly, no godly influences to really mold a child the way he needs to be. you can be different. you can see where humanity can do no more and begin seeking God for the answers you need in your life and your sons, even your ex-wifes. when we come to the end of ourselves, that is Gods message to us to begin looking up. if you would like more information on having Gods help in your life through a saving knowledge of his son jesus, log onto or click talk to a mentor above. praying that you see things through Gods eyes and thereby have the means and heavenly help to see the changes you need amen

  • Jack says:

    Long story short leaving out lots of details, me and exwife broke up when our son was 2 years old. I have always played a part as a father, paying weekly child support without cout involved and picking up my son every weekend. Always noticed my son was not in the best situation with her,but couldn’t do anything cause lawyers stated it would be hard for me the father to win custody. Finally one day at age 13, my son couldn’t stand living with her cause he wasn’t getting along with the uncles in the same house and was sick of sleeping on the sofa for 5 years. So I found a lawyer immediately and got custody of my child, put him into a good school, giving him all the necessaries plus more. It was great at first, I still wanted her to be a part of his life so, I gave her partial custody, but after a while she would abuse it by picking him up whenever she wants without regards to homework etc, bribing him to go back all different kinds of ways, teasing him with doing things he likes on the weeks he’s not there, and even using guilt. At the same time I’ve been dealing with things that I have noticed before but never had a chance to teach him better since I only saw him on the weekend. Such things like, even though he was already 13, he doesn’t shower, doesn’t brush teeth, often urinates onto the floor and toilet seat, always forgets to flush, doesn’t eat any veggies cause his mom hates it so never buys it. So being that now I have to discipline him to do these things and also including making sure he does his homework(he hardly had hw in his old school, as it was not a good school}, I have to teach him so much skills that he should already have at this age, he’s getting more and more bad and I’m going crazy. So since I taught so much last year, this year in 9th grade I let him play his course and do what he wants first quarter, and we agreed that if he does well he’ll be rewarded and if not, then he would have to give up his xbox and laptop which is what he spends time on all day and night. So turned out he had F in English and Ds and Cs where all the teachers stated we know he’s smart, he’s just not doing any work. So, cause of our agreement,I took the xbox and laptop, and all his mom said to him was poor child now you must feel like locked in jail with nothing to do instead of motivating him to do better. Long story short I continued to teach him right from wrong, since his mother haven’t taught it to him. Now cause of me trying to teach him better hygiene, study hard and do work, give discipline etc, he doens’t like it, so thinking he’s old enough to decide again, he wants to do whatever he wants, he started to cute class, sell sneakers illegally, hustle, walk in and out of the house without communication just like he does with his mom, and now even stole all the electronics and vauable stuff I bought him and the family xbox and said he’s going back to his moms!!! Is it wrong to try to teach a child whats correct and best for him ? All I asked for him is to do his best in school, clean his own room up, and make sure he brush teeth everyday and take showers, I don’t give him any other choirs and even give him money whenever he tells me he wants to go out. It’s not as much freedom then at his moms but isn’t that enough freedom? Their both not following any court orders.

  • Chris says:

    Sarah…sorry to hear of this situation… we do all know that 2nd and third marriages can become complicated because of the chldren. that is something you need to think about and i suggest pray about since only God can clarify his will for us. life can have its challenges, but we dont need to assume more than we are able as humans. our bodies and emotions can break down under too much stress. i would suggest that you first be sure you have a personal relationship with jesus christ so you can know what his perfect will is for you. you can find out about that on or by clicking talk to a mentor above. by letting jesus take control of your life and situation, he will lead you to where4 he knows is best for you. i pray he starts doing just that today. blessings to you!!

  • Sarah says:

    I ended a horriable marriage of 15 years. I have two teenage daughters with my ex, 15 and 16. I have custody with both my daughters and being a single parent is not easy. My ex was always gone so being a single parent in a marriage for 15 years was not any easier. anyways I met a man through one of my daughters girlfriends. Oh boy did i fall hard for this man. TRIED TALKING MYSELF OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP SEVER TIMES, however I felt so good when I was around him. He was also in a 15 year marriage that ended two years befor I met hi. He has two children as well, a 16 year old daughter and 1 13 year old son. The kids seem to get along better than most would in our situation. He recently got full custody over his kids. The kids mom is a horiable person. The devil I hear is very beautiful and i starting to wonder if this woman is the devils seed. My boyfriend has a total of three kids, one from his first marriage. apparently that marriage was short when he discoverd his first wife had a thinh for black men, anyways he does not really know Is oldest daughter. She is 19 now and only calls him when she needs money. He has givin up on her because she uses him and it breaks his heart. His second daughter is no differnt however he allows it. She has been busted smoking pot, chatting on adult sex sites and has met up with a boy from a different state from one of these sites and brought my 14 year old daughter to meet the guys with her, tyelling her dad and I they were friends from school. She is constantly be manipulative and deceitful. She never speaks with truth about anything. She throws fits like a small child when asked to do chores. She demands and begs to get taken places all the time and expects her dad to entertain her. When I first met my boyfriend i would visit his house often and help him out. He works hard and would come home to cook for his daughter. tHey would eat their meals on the couch and she would not do a [expletive removed] thing to help cook or clean up. I would wash his dishes and clean his kitchen and make him a meal befor he got home because I knew he needed the help. He wasalso injured and has had three surgerys since I have met him and his daughter’s demand would seriuosly [expletive removed]. once i told her the day of his second shoulder surgery to leave his dad alone, that he is in pain. SHe got upset and he ran after her to [expletive removed]. My boyfriend is the most loving person I have ever met. He pours into his kids and all he gets is a self centern daughter who does not care about him back. These kids are surrounded with love and support. i have a hard time understanding where this girls is comming from. My daughters and I have been living with my boyfriend and his daughter for over a year now and his daughter has been putting so much stress on our family. She plays both ends of the fence with her mom and that creats so much troulbe, just because she is upset that she has chores or summer school. Her grade are horiable and she just recently got her drivibg permit her dad paid for. Durning her classes for her permit her grades dropped even lower and she caused thousands of dollars worth of damage to a fence that was not ours. I sked my boyfriend to not allow her to test but she still got her permit. the girl does little things to my personal kitchen stuff like break things. She used my white towel to wipe with after using the restroom. She just recently wiped down the bathroom with bleach using my black washcloth I bought for the girls to use in the shower. i can not trust this girl in my home. I have to lock my bedroom door before I leave the house if the girls are home. I am afraid that he will harm or kill my ducks out of spite or anger. Her brother refuses to live with us because of his sister. He live with my boyfriends parents next door. The mom has recently call the cops on my boyfriends mom ,dad and myself. The woman does not follow the rules and got out of her car to cause trouble. Whne she was asked to leave the property she refused. My boyfriend came home from work and she went running to him calling hnis name like she did nothing wrong. My boyfriend told her to leave so she got into her car and drove down the street and called the cops and lied to the peace officers. We did not get arrested nor did the cops come but she got an attorney and tried to press cahrges on a 66 year old woman and 73 year old man that did nothing wrong as well as myself. THat woman also walked into my home when I was not their and scared [expletive removed] out of my daughter. She did the same thing to my boyfrends parents house. i am starting to think there is no hope for this girl and that she needs to go live with her mother. OUr entire family suffers from her actions and we are all tired and do not know how to help her. My boyfriends stills see’s this green eyed little girl with blond pig tails bouncing off his knee. I see a horriable person inside and out just like her mother. I am not saying my daughters are perfect because they are not. my gils have their hic ups but they are nothing like my boyfriends daughter. My oldest daughter has her grades up and works hard at school. She does get into trouble, most of it has been involving her step sister talking her into stuff she shouldn’t do and yes my daughter get in trouble for her actions. My youngest has a huge heart and just wants to be ACCEPTED. SHe does have love self esteem and some daddy issues and its been a constant battle working with her because she looks up to her step sister as well and follows her lead. I am at a loss. I am crazy in love with my boyfriend more than i ever thought possiable. he is a good man to me and treats my girls as if they were his own. My gilrs love him and call him dad. I am at a loss. HIs son stays most weekends and gets to go to work with him from time to time. His daughter gets jelious of him spending time with his son. It’s really horiable because his sone does not live with him and hates it when he spends time with her brother. I get along graet with his son. He can be a hormonel pain sometimes but all and all he is a great kids. He really appreceates his grandparents and tells them he loves them daily. He has been on the honer roll since I have known him. I love my boyfriends family. They are Good people . hIs sister lives close as well and I love her. His sister will not let her neice enter her home and his parents do not trust her in their house alone. Any advice would be greatly appreceated.

  • Alfred says:

    Wow, Paola, what a situation to be in! I‘ve been sitting on this for 2 days now, wondering what to write and crying to God for wisdom. Then I had occasion to visit someone in a psychiatric hospital, and he said there’s a teenager there who often looks at how others handle their cutlery. Applying that to your case, I’d say that the first thing must be a willingness to learn! So, sit them down and explain that their mother’s mistakes and ignorance shall NOT shape their future. Whatever they can learn here and now is what matters! TODAY is their day of opportunity. What they do right will come back to them as rewards (from mankind as well as from God); and what mistakes they keep making will also come back to them! (E.g. You hurt someone, and you’ll sooner or later get hurt in a similar way). Holding up your son as an example, may not be of any help, but could fuel more jealousy. Encouraging them to watch YOU handle cutlery at the table, may be a start. Where I worked they had a policy of teaching that went like this, “tell them, show them, and have them show you” (in that sequence). I’d say, “then have them show you again” to reinforce the new procedure.
    Using money as an incentive for good behavior may work. One thing is certain: They have so much to learn that one needs to start with only a few things and progress gradually. Encouragement will build self-esteem!
    As for the anger; it may not be overcome except through the love of God. Are you able to daily read the Bible with all in the household present, possibly after a meal? That will introduce them to the Love of God.


    I am dealing with a lot of deception from two teenagers,them mother was terrible, a lazy woman, lack educated, lack ambition, they describe her as somebody that did not know anything, like if she was a retarded. I am living with them and the deception is increasing every day, they lie a lot, they hate them mother, they dont respect them mother, do not thanks to her for anything, they show more interest of money that any other kids.

    they behave so deceptive, they don’t have any manners even how to eat,or grab the silverware, they look like if they grow up in a Indian group one of them pick his nose all the time even when we are eating, the other is a compulsive liar, and he hate everybody, he is so jelaous of my son, he have done things like, broke in my son’s bedroom and kill his cactus spreading deodorant on it, or stole the food that my four years old girl love to eat, or broke the little toddle’s kitchen intentionally. I am really concern about those kids, they can be criminals in the future, I dont know how to handle it, my son is the most polite kids he never lie, he is honest and strict with his self, I never had such a problem with him, I wish somebody advised me what to do.

  • Kennedy says:

    I have been a dad of a teen boy,now 33 and father of a 13 year old daughter. His mom and I smile when he speaks as a mature parent, with some concept of how to deal with others out of a place of calm and humble confidence. We (and he) learned a lot during his teen years, finally coming to a place which showed us that we could not parent out of an unhealthy partnership of husband and wife. If our stuff wasn’t together as a partnership in marraige then the parenting we did was marred by this “untogether” stuff. So we had to move the mom and dad relationship toward a healthy place with more urgency than the parenting. At the time we were learning the parenting is the Biggest Job we ever had. We needed to strive to be a source of inspiration to our children. I encourage you to look at The center of all of this is that we parent out of a humility that the Potter has given us this child for a time and He desires us to seek Him as we help Him form this human into one who loves Him.

  • kim says:

    Dawn and Ashley, I have a serious issue at this point. The same scenario has been going on since 13 and now she is 17!!! I am lost.

  • Trish Hicks says:

    also ms Ali Honesty and trust play a big part and the lines of communication too should always be kept open.In deciding how much leway to give.You can always go by there past actions too have they been honest in the past and have they shown that they could be trusted. I know too there is an age and I think its 13-16 or 18 I am not sure.but there is a stage the teens go through its called narcisim, it means they are all about themselves. So you might want to give them that leway of thinking of themselves in the way of their appearance and things,but to teach them how important to think of others also.I know to that my mom used to always tell me ‘if you lie to me,your lies will find you out”.That might be something you might want to press upon the mind of your teen.Because I know from experience lies that are told do come to the surface sooner or later.They never ever stay hidden.
    So yes i also agree with the above statement Colvin has made that come 18 they will graduate and most likely go away to college , so if that is the case its a good idea to instill the practice of making good decsions

  • Rashid says:

    I am parent to two little children and I am father and mother when they are with me.there us no solution that is easy . My children if they do something I don’t do nothing but I see when they are ready for bed that time I cross my desire to them I wished you have never done that but I hope it will not happen again little explain them and they are happy and I am happy situation got resoloved.
    In my opinion children should be taught with love and pray.

  • Ashley says:

    Thank you for your words of encouragement & advice Hope. As of right now we are in a very good place with her. Things have finally calmed down & the line of communication is getting a little better everyday. We have looked into couensling for her but, where we are there are a lot to choose from. I need to do more research before I take her to any of them.

    Dawn, we took her phone for a long time. (This is just a basic phone) with school sports & having away games we gave it back to her so we could stay in contact with her. We did however, put many restrictions on the phone (if your daughter has an IPhone she can bypass almost any restrictions you put on the phone) she can’t text at all, I disabled all Internet, disabled the purchasing of or downloading of any apps, I also put a time restriction on her phone. She can’t talk before 7:30am & can’t talk after 9:00pm. Even though its summer, those restrictions still apply. Her summer has been very limited, lots of family time. Today was actually the first day she has been slowed to do something with a friend since summer started. The other thing we did, with her, was re-evaluate her friends, who she socialized with & what her goals were after high school & to see if any of her current actions/friends were helping her get to those goals.


  • Hope says:

    Ashley, I completely understand your frustration as a parent of 15 year Old daughter and have experienced similar behavior. I would you encourage you to find a mentor for your daughter someone who she can express her feelings, thoughts without risk. However, that person should be someone willing to communicate the same values that you have as parents. I found this to be effective because my daughter is hearing the dangers of social media, dating and etc..but in a different tone. Peer pressure for dating is so great that it overtakes teens. I have learned that you can change a behavior but you can replace it with positive behaviors. Your daughter is fighting for her independence but just going about it all wrong and also she is battling her dependence too. She has to develop the ability to communicate her desires to you. ( lies happens because of this inability) The biggest thing is to know your not alone tap into other parents, and church. I also feel that counseling is an option it will help your daughter through this stage… Keep talking, and being great parents…

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Smith, I can totally understand your frustration and concern for your daughter. It is scary to see a child so young in a place to deal with pressures for sexual interactions. I don’t have any kids of my own that have gone through this but I have spent a lot of time working with families who face these kinds of struggles; and the good news is that many of them see their children grow into healthy adults! Kids react to discipline very differently but one thing that I have observed is that those parents who can communicate safe. clear boundaries for their children with logical consequences in a loving emphasis on the concern for their child have a much better relationship in the short and long term. Kids may not like or agree with the boundaries their parents set out at the time but they always knew that it came from a place of love for them.

    One of the ways that you can help your children have that confidence is by working really hard at understanding your child’s perspective to the point of being able to communicate that back to them accurately. Some parents have a hard time with that especially at this age. The transitions into adolescence can happen so quickly and the thoughts and motivations going on in your child’s life take a drastic turn. The child you knew so well suddenly has much different reasons for doing the things they do. When you daughter hears from you the real reasons why she felt like she needed to send that kind of message, she will feel respected even if your boundaries restrict what she does.

    I guess that kind of fits with what the Bible says about God: His discipline is evidence of His love for us. When you discipline your child in a way that they feel secure in your love for them the long term results are always much more positive.

  • Smith says:

    Hi, as a mother of two, daughter is 11, son is 10 years old. They are 11 months apart. Recently we were notified of a sexual Instagram post our daughter made. Like many other parents who have commented on this topic we are at ours wits end!
    I would like to hear from a parent who has an older child now but has survived the deceitful stages. What does the child say now about the type of discipline they received? Why did they continue to defy the rules? What do they feel like worked or did not work?

  • Dawn says:

    Ashley, I’m curious what type of discipline you ended up giving your daughter for her dishonesty? I have a 13 year old daughter and we’re going through a similar issue. She has an iPod that got taken away last year because she was caught texting with some friends using very fowl language and lying about it then deleting the app so I couldn’t see her conversations. She finally got it back after several months and the rules we set were no talking to boys on any type of social media and she needs to check with us first before downloading any social media app. I just found out that she’s been using kik when she’s not supposed to and talking to boys and face timing them. So her iPod was taken away again. I just don’t know how to discipline aside from taking the iPod away. She’s a great kid but she always gets in trouble with this iPod and texting. Aside from having her memorize scripture on the importance of having integrity and doing her devotions I’m not sure what to do. Any suggestions?

  • Ashley says:

    I have a 15 year old girl that we have been going through the same issue with for years now. In our house our rule is simple, if you can be trusted, you get good grades (85 or higher) & you get your chores done, you can have an easy, fun life. Meaning you’ll get to go to your friends houses, go to birthday parties, etc. if you can’t do those things, you won’t get to have fun. Well, for some reason our daughter continually does the same thing to get into trouble & it all boils around phones/texting & all social media.

    When she was in 8th grade we said no boyfriends, but if you wanted to tak to him on the phone, you could. We found out they were dating & we grounded her.

    Then she got he first phone & we said no erasing any calls/text messages. Don’t be sneaky. Needless to say, she was erasing everything & then I found out she was still dating that boy & had saved his number under a girls name. We took the phone for the entire summer & she was grounded for the entire summer.

    Now she’s in high school, 9th grade. Finally got her phone back. We find out she likes a kid at school & we meet the boy, meet his parents & we agree to let them date in a supervised relationship. We found out she was deleting text messages again & also find out she had multiple secret social media networks. We took the phone (actually broke it).

    So now, she’s not had any phone all school year. She’s been doing really good at doing the right thing (or so we thought) & we tell her if she keeps it up, we’ll get her another phone. So we do get her another phone, only this time we have many restrictions on it. We have made it where she can only receive phone calls. We blocked all texting & anything that would use data. She’s only had the phone for 1 month & we just found a secret IPod! It has texting & shows she’s a member to 5 or 6 social media networks (Instagram, twitter, kik, snap chat) we took the phone & the iPod but now what?

    She’s been grounded for the past 2 summers (always getting into big trouble at the end of a school year) ground her for another summer? Give her more punishments that shell do but won’t make any effect? We do stick to our punishments & after about 6 months we’ll think…finally, she’s doing the right thing & then it hits us in the face that it’s all been a lie. We can’t trust her at all. She’s a really good kid & when she’s not in trouble she does get to have fun. She plays sports, friends come here, she goes there. It’s not like we don’t allow her to do anything. I’m at a dead end. I don’t know what else to do. Why does she keep being such a sneak? It keeps getting her the same outcome-no phone, extra chores & grounded (nothing w/friends)

    Sorry this is so long. Any advice you can give would be appreciated.

  • Alfred says:

    Hi Stasha, What if that 9 year old feels that there is too much confrontation. I think she needs to know that she and you are together attacking the problem, rather than each other. So, maybe she really does not know. Then it could be explained, including similar situations, including a review, that if such & such happens then she is to do so & so. There is no punishment this time, but if it ever happens again then there will be consequences, for now she knows! A child and also a teenager need to feel (not just hear) that you are their friend. Then co-operation comes more willingly. I hope that helps.

  • stasha says:

    what if the girl is 9, her answer is always i dont know and everything from groundingto taking clothes away to early bed time doesnt work. please help.

  • Brenda Miller says:

    Steph, I agree that it is extremely important to teach teens the necessity of being honest in order to live a life of integrity and to be viewed as a responsible citizen, friend, and, at some point, a trusted and valued co-worker. I believe it is the responsibility of the family to teach these values to the children from the very beginning, for we are living in a society where pretty much anything goes, and it is each one for himself. God’s commandment to love your neighbour as you love yourself and do unto others as we would have them do unto us is not honoured in our society today, but instead mocked, and the results are sadly evident. However, a family with strong ethics and high Christian morals can lay the foundation of Christ for a tremendous future filled with hope for their children.

  • Steph says:

    Teens are very good at deceiving us as they talk with us using their deceiving smile. I don’t really know how they learned such act but I am pretty sure that if they didn’t learned it from home they probably learned it from the environment they are exposed at. I know that lying is a serious issue that will only worsen if not solved.

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Ali, If your teen feels overly restricted, then it’s a good idea to take a look at what rules are in place and what the teen’s history has been and see if there are adjustments that can be made. When I was growing up my Mom often talked about which hills were worth dying on and which were not – that is she had a very clear picture of which things were essential and important and which were preferences. Drunkenness was a non-negotiable. My brother’s long hair was a preference. People at church were constantly asking my Mom when my brother was going to cut his hair and she’d just shrug and say, “As long as it’s clean what does it matter?”

    It’s important also to make sure your teen realizes that freedoms are privileges that are earned. If she is home by curfew consistently then it might be time to consider letting her stay out later. However, if she’s constantly late then she’s in no position to argue for more time. Have a conversation and let them know “If you want this privilege, I need to see this specific behaviour.” Make sure your teen knows that it’s possible to get more privileges and how to get them but also that actions (or the lack of them) have consequences. History plays a role here. If your teen has shown himself to be trustworthy, reward that. If he has not, be specific. “I can’t let you __________ because the last time we tried that __________ happened.”

    Talk to your teen and really hear her out. She might have a really good reason for wanting more freedom that you have not considered. Also, take a good, honest look at which restrictions are in place. A teen should have a lot more freedom to choose than say, a ten year old. Yes, mistakes will be made, but that’s an important part of the teen phase of development. The goal is to create an environment that limits risks to really dangerous things but gives enough freedom that the teen does learn to choose for himself. Part of the process of the teenage years for parents is loosening your hold on them. They’re going to graduate, go away to school, start a life of their own. Your job as a parent is to make sure that when that time comes they are well practiced in making good decisions.

  • Ali says:

    what do you do if they feel they are being overly restricted

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