Living Near Your Children…Bonus or Bad Move?
Half a century ago most families stayed in the same area. You lived your life in close proximity to most of your relatives. Children would marry and move away from home. This “moving away from home” usually meant a few miles or at most it may have been the next town where they established their roots.
There is an old Dutch proverb that says: “A happy new home is one where you can’t see the smoke from your parent’s chimney.” That may be true, but everyone you knew lived within an hour of each other.
Things changed dramatically in the last half of the century and Canadian families are now spread out geographically.
Children went to the city for further education and never returned to the area where they grew up. Maybe they met their future husband or wife and ended up moving across the country when they married. Good jobs required moves and relocation if you wanted to move up the ladder. Transfers moved families all over this country. You’ve done your best to keep in touch, but it’s just not been the same as living near your family. Some of your grandchildren are already as tall as you and you don’t feel you really know them as well as you would like to.
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Retirement gives you a lot of choices
Should you stay where you are or have you always wanted to move closer to your children and grandchildren? Do you know for sure that they want you closer to them? Will you be able to make new friends when you move or will you be relying totally on your family for the relationships you need in your life?
Will you end up becoming a baby sitter, cook, cleaner and gardener for your adult children? Maybe you can’t wait to be able to help them out, but you need to consider these things in advance.
What about your son-in-law or daughter-in-law? How do they feel about having you closer? Have you been open with each other and talked through all the issues in advance? Do they have blended families and how will you grandparent role fit with stepchildren?
Maybe you are moving because of guilt. You feel that you haven’t spent enough time with them or they want you near because they feel guilty about not having made enough effort to get together with you in the past. Adult children and their parents sometimes play games with each other. Adult children may send messages they feel their parents want to hear or messages that will not upset their parent, rather than what is true. So, be careful and above all be honest with each other before you pull up stakes.
What if you follow the kids and they don’t have time for you?
Remember, their life is probably a balancing act right now. They are responsible for many things and many people and their schedule may be very full! You probably have expectations about the help you would like from them at this stage of your life. Can they meet your expectations and will it be a joy or a burden for them?
“Knowing what it would be like” is often difficult to achieve without “actually doing it.” If you move, you would be wise to arrange for help from other sources for some of your needs so as not to rely totally on your family and overwhelm them. Make it a comfortable transition for everyone involved.
Do you get the feeling they want you closer?
If so, you are the most fortunate person in the world! Seize the opportunity…family is everything!
Article © Allen Unrau, used with permission
Frank, I know it would be hard to do, but have you ever asked your daughter about this? Sometimes what feels like distance on one side actually feels exactly the same way from the other side. Each person thinks the other is upset and the situation perpetuates. I wonder what would happen if you sent your daughter a good old fashioned letter and shared your heart with her? Tell her that you want to be part of her life and would love to see the grandkids more often. Ask her if you’ve done something that upset her and offer to apologize if you have. It could be a misunderstanding, it might have been a thoughtless word or action years ago that just never got resolved. Focus on how much you love her, that you miss her and that you’d like to be closer. Make the letter encouraging, not accusatory. Be the person willing to make the first move and admit mistakes.
The advantage of a letter is that it’s less confrontational. She can read it whenever she likes. She can think before she has to respond. If your grandkids are always thrilled to see you, that’s a great sign. It means that she must speak well of you when you’re not there. She has given them no reason to think less of you. I think there’s a lot of hope in that. Keep the tone of the letter very gentle. Help her to see that you’re not making accusations, you just want to be closer. She just might surprise you. Life is short and it moves so very quickly. If there’s a change of reconciliation take that chance. Take it today if you can.
One of the very reasons I was attracted to my wife 31 years ago was because her family had very strong bonds with each other. Life was very busy for my wife and I while our two children were growing up. Our daughter has now married and moved to PA which is now 7 hours away from us. Our son has remained single so far but has moved to NY city. We found ourselves as empty nesters in New Hampshire, where it is beautiful but a little chilly in the winters. With only a handful of friends and no family to share with, we decided to move closer to my wife’s siblings in CT that also moved within 3 hours to our son and daughter. Even though we are now retired, we still only see our children maybe 2 to 3 times a year. Part of the reason is that they are still both very young and are struggling to get by. We have mentioned many times how much we would like to live closer to our daughter and the grandchildren with my daughter and son-in-law, but we have never really felt deep down inside that they want us near them to be part of their family. It breaks our hearts that they are only satisfied with just a few occassional visits and our grandchildren are always so excited to see us and we as well.
It is indeed a boon to be able to live nearby your parents home or they live where u live. When both the parents are working it is very conformting to know that there is someone to look after the kids when they return from their schools and also nurture them with good morals. The grandchildren will also love to have their grandparents very much to be around as they have a spl. bonding. And it is also easy for the children to look after their parents whenever the need arises, especially when the parent is single having been widowed. My father expired and my mother lives all alone in a big bungalow and we children (five of us) are in different locations even though in the same city. None of us are able to move closer to her because of our jobs and childrens schooling and she does not want to leave the house my parents have built for themselves, with hard earned money, where she says is very conformtable. We children sometimes feel guilty because of our inability to move closer and look after her as she is about 75 yrs of age ailing with high BP. So i feel it is better at least one or two children are able to live closer to their parents place on mutual understanding for the benefit of both sides.
It’s interesting to hear all these different perspectives. I am on the other end of this issue — my parents just retired across the country and now live less than an hour from me. We had a lot of discussions ahead of time about expectations and what this would look like. They made it very clear that they were moving out west for their own reasons — they came because they wanted to be here. The fact that I am out here was just a nice added bonus. It’s great to know that if I got an incredible opportunity on the other side of the world they wouldn’t feel abandoned if I took it.
I think communication is key. Kids should not expect parents to be every-ready babysitters. Our parents already raised their kids. Grandparenting is supposed to be about being able to choose when and how you want to be involved. I think most Grandparents are happy to help when they can, but kids need to realize that our parents aren’t in their 30s anymore and young kids, as wonderful as they are, can be exhausting. There’s a lot to be said for clear communication and realistic expectations. I love having my parents close by and I think they love it too.
Great article! We live about only a 10 from our one son and daughter-in-law (whom I love dearly & we get along great) My problem is we seem to only see the grandchildren when they want us to babysit. Also I am in chronic pain so sometimes I just can’t look after them as they are ages 3 3/4yrs and under and they are 3 boys. I feel they don’t understand my pain and reasoning for not being able to babysit sometimes and I get so frustrated and discouraged. Does anyone else have the same problem?
Linda R
Curious to hear stories of parents who reitre away from grown children/young grandchildren & how resistance is dealt with. We retired about 6 1/2 hours away for economical/liesure & hobby opportunity. 3 sons are offended, but we’re working it out. We visit at least 10 times a year & have grandchildren here (they love it & so do we). Would llike to hear of similar experiences & how to deal with the “guilt” of realizing our dreams in early retirement, but leaving our children.
Well done!!! When our first grandchild was born 14 years ago, our children invited us to move closer (we lived across the city) to them. We sold our place and bought a place a few minutes away. We have never regretted it. Brief pop-ins made it easy to see them more often. Sleep-overs were easily arranged. Now we “higher” the oldest two – one to do the yard, the other to do the house cleaning. It gives us wonderful opportunities to interact with them and to “Teach” values. We love it and they phone to make sure we expect them Saturday mornings. It’s great fun!!!
Norm