Should Children See Parents Argue?

Written by Dennis and Barbara Rainey

family_parentsargue Is it appropriate to resolve conflict in front of younger children? Should we let them see us arguing and making up?

Barbara: Many parents set a policy of not arguing in front of their kids. There are some good points about this policy, but I also think it is good for our children to see us disagree and have an argument, as long as we keep those to a minimum and don’t frighten the kids or make them feel insecure. Kids can learn how to resolve conflict by watching us do it.

Dennis: In our marriage, there have been moments where suddenly the kids have realized, “Oh, my goodness—Mom and Dad are having an argument here.” Barbara and I have had to realize that our children are fixed on us like radar units and we are their most secure reference points.

Does your relationship need help?: Talk to a mentor
Do you want to start over?: Facing the future after a major loss

When the children see us in disagreement, we take a “time out” from the argument to reassure them. We say, “Mom and Dad are having a disagreement. This happens in marriage. Marriage is between two people who sometimes differ, and your mom and I differ. However, we are still committed to each other, we love each other, and this is part of a healthy married relationship.”

If your argument is a yelling match, then that’s not part of healthy love; even in your disagreements you should model for your kids unconditional love. They need to see you working through a conflict, resolving it, and forgiving each other. They need to be reassured by seeing the reconciliation as well as the argument.