Dads, Princesses and the Power of Woo
“Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous? Actually, who are you not to be?” – Marianne Williamson
I am standing in a crush of three-year-old pint-sized princesses. Surrounded by sparkling tiaras and frilly dresses, these little daubs of pink and purple are up way past their collective bed time. We giggle. We dance. We wait patiently for the real princess to arrive. Well, at least a real princess played by an actress.
Finally, the moment arrives. Belle, the beauty from Beauty & The Beast, walks in to the room. As she comes out from backstage, I can see it in my daughter’s eyes. The beauty is here. My daughter climbs out of my arms, fixes her purple dress, and runs toward her.
Running to beauty
We are all attracted to beauty. Beauty sells magazines. Beauty drives our self-perception. When I counseled teens, the issue of distorted definitions of beauty came up on a weekly basis. Our society hasn’t left us wondering what beauty is. Beauty is full lips. Beauty is long flowing hair. Beauty is a body shape Barbie would be envious of. Beauty wears the right clothes, surrounded by the right friends, and always plays with the right toys. We’ve immersed ourselves in cultural perceptions of beauty, so much so that we don’t know where to turn. We are consumed with the concept.
As I watch my daughter wrap her arms around Belle, a concern reveals itself in my mind. What chance do I have to speak truth into my daughter’s life? As she grows, who will inform her on what beauty is?
I’ve been told by culture (and a few friends) that a father’s most important job is to provide. Be strong. Be courageous. And bring home the cash. Become “the provider for all, and the enemy of all,” as J. August Strindbergto once so eloquently wrote. On TV the only other option is to fill the role of a bumbling, awkward individual — the comedic outlet in the family fabric (see world-famous dad Homer Simpson). Is there room for a father to “woo” his daughter and reflect God’s heart for her? Are those moments as rare as a dance at a graduation, followed by another at her wedding?
Wooing your daughter’s heart
The role of father is vitally important to the emotional and spiritual (not to mention relational!) well-being of a daughter. A Dad is not just a provider, protector, and live-in comedian. Neither is a mother only a cook, cleaner, and sole provider of “the nurture factor”.
A father has the ability, to reflect the love that the Father has for us. He has the opportunity to “woo” his daughter’s heart – to let her taste the depth and strength of love. He is given the capability to speak the truth of beauty deeply into the heart of his daughter.
The tragic truth is this – if fathers do not take the opportunity to speak beauty into their daughters’ lives, someone else happily will. Turn your television on to any station and watch for a few minutes. Volunteer to chaperone a junior high dance. These are the prevailing voices of beauty in our culture. These are the voices your daughter (or son) will hear every day.
I want my daughter to know that she is beautiful. Not just for the reason that she could star on Toddlers and Tiaras, or even because she is smart, and talented, and funny. Those are all wonderful things and part of the gift of a daughter, but I want her to know that she is deeply beautiful because of Who made her. I want her to believe that her Father desires a deep and meaningful relationship with her, and so do I.
I want to be someone she can trust, someone she can talk with, someone she can walk through life together with. I want to be someone who can humbly and brokenly reflect the love that her Heavenly Father has for her. I want to woo the heart of my daughter so that she knows that her beauty transcends the length of her hair, the color of her eyes, the ability with which she reads.
After all, who is she?
“…who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.”
She is a child of God — and so are you. God has created you beautifully.
As fathers, we have the gift of engaging in our daughters’ lives meaningfully. And to unveil the true meaning of beauty found in each of our daughters.
Take a deep breath
It’s important, Dads, to take a deep breath. You’ve likely walked through the feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt that come with parenting already in your journey. This segment of your daughter’s life – no matter if she is a two year old dress-twirler or a fourteen year old boy-chaser – is a great time to speak beauty into your daughter’s life. So take few tips from a fellow bumbling live-in comedian:
> Open your ears. Chances are, if she’s older than two, she’s using more words than you do. When you listen, you’re communicating more than attention in her life. You’re signifying that her world is a priority and that she is worthy of your interest.
> Be in the moment with her. With a thousand other pressures confronting fathers, it is easy to tune out. These are the moments you live for, not what’s coming for you tomorrow at work.
>Two words: date night. This is a special phrase in our house. The word date means undivided attention over breakfast, at a restaurant, walking with candy apples. It’s a time when my daughter can talk to her Dad. (And believe me, she does.)
So I stand here and reflect, amidst the mass of little princesses, as my daughter embraces Belle and looks back at me. And when she looks back, I hope she begins to understand that her daddy is in this moment with her, that she is loved, and that she is beautiful.
More Thoughts
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This article is really enriching, emotional, fulfilling, engrossing dream of every daughter, girl, and woman. The beauty of nature comes true when a child opens its eyes first time to see the happiness of her mother who is still bewildered by her creation and still trying to understand how she could achieve such a marvellous creation. Next the child sees another pair of eyes (father’s) worried with the thought as to how he is going to protect her from the evil spirits of world around in which she is born. This child grows surrounded by illusion created by her parents that the world is so beautiful and that people can only be good and never be otherwise. Not even a thought of unwise behaviour of people that ever crosses her brain, until one day she opens her eyes to the actual world around her to see the world is not what she has been thinking. A world filled with rage, jealousy, inhuman tendencies, she would be enraged by her own thoughts, how could she been in dark so long. Lots of questions creep up her little brain, which is borne by a woman who has not actually seen the world for such long! She has truly had her rebirth into the actual world! With whom is she expected to fight, herself? Her parents? Or any other evil beings in the world?
She probably hopes that, had she never opened her eyes to this real world, would her illusion world been any better? But she has to face the facts, she has to learn a lot, she probably would not know where to start, she would need help of strong shoulders to lean on, to face the world and soft heart to cry to and a warm heart in whom she would devote her complete self! Yes it is the story of every daughter, girl, and woman.
A very true article. The sad part is when you don’t have that special relationship with your father and you settle for receiving love and attention from whoever is willing to give it. Growing up you do not realise that something is missing in your life, that affirmation that you are special and beautiful. A father who not only provides and brings home the cash, but who is truely present in your life. As a grown woman I realised I was yearning and longing for this kind of relationship with my father, so I initiated “dates” with my father. It was a very special time and I got to know my Dad a bit better. But after a while a very sobering truth hit home, ultimately no human can affirm you the way God intended, only God can do that. I’ve also learnt that a relationship works both ways; both parties need to give and receive. So now I’m grieving a relationship that existed for only a short while. But I’m also learning to accept things the way they are, and learning to accept people the way they are. You can’t change for anybody else, only yourself. And it starts with me becoming the change I want. So to everyone who has that special relationship with their fathers, treasure it. It is life changing and not all of us have that. And fathers, love your daughters as God has intended. If not, someone else will give her what she is longing for. I know.
Great article Shaun!!! As the mother of two adult daughters I just had to let you know that you are right on!! One of our girls in particular was Daddy’s girl and to this day she has that special relationship with him.
They both still remember going on their dates with Dad(they took turns getting to go for Saturday morning Breakfast) and even what food they ordered!! So good job…keep on taking her on those dates, listen well and tell her she is beautiful. You won’t ever regret the time will spent.
Hey man,
a superb article. I’m not a father yet, honestly I’m not even married. For the past two months the topic in my young adults group has been about sex. I’m learning some key things that would have been good to know well…like 10 years ago when I was 14. Dad’s play a HUGE part in there kids lives or at least they can.
WARNING – Dad’s have a built in RADAR! so if a guy comes knocking and something doesn’t sit right…don’t throw caution to the wind.
Rule one if the boy asks to date your daughter…prayerfully consider and ask the key points ” what are your intentions with my daughter.” If it’s to date…kick him to the curb if it’s to court well ask him to join your family for a few dinners and then you’ll see.
Relationship is key and Shaun Smith covered this well in his article. The “woo” you have with your daughter determines how much of a say you have in your daughters life later in life. Care to little and you’ll have no heard say.
I could go on, but that’s not an area as I said that I know much about on a personal or experience level. Dad’s love your kids, pray for them and be there for them. I use to say ” I hate my dad and never wanted to be like him.” well I’m eating my words today because the things my dad did and taught me has played a KEY role in who I am today and I’m going to apply the same to my kids one day.
Happy Fathers day to all the dad’s out there.
This is really beautiful, Shaun! The wonderful thing is that I know you live this out every day. You delight in every moment that you spend together with your daughter.
You remind me of the relationship that I have with my father. He never did play dress up with me (he wouldn’t look so good with at tiara), but we did have our “dates”; our time to just be together. We still have them. I treasure every minute of it! I pray that when she is 23, that you and your daughter will still get together for those special moments.
I know for a fact that she will always be thankful to have two amazing Papas. One in heaven, and here on earth.
hmm, these are good words. as father of a 3yr old i can totally relate. as we watched our daughter receive the princess makeover at disneyland recently, i felt a bittersweet moment thinking ahead to her wedding day and how i might feel when she reached that stage of her life. tears? what tears? no, it was just something in my eye…
thanks for the reminders of how we can play a special part in our daughter’s lives. it’s an important role we have to fill, and too often we only have bad advice and role models.