Did You Raise Them Right – Afraid to Ask?
Madge was serving coffee at a family gathering when a certain conversation caught her attention. A group of adult cousins and their spouses were discussing how they were raised.
Gary: “Dad didn’t encourage or discourage our decisions. He just watched from a distance as mom ran the household. He was always at work.”
Donna: “My family had two many rules. Lights out at 10. Supper every day at exactly 5:45 (grounded if you were late). We had no freedom. They didn’t trust any of us one bit. They made all the decisions – no questions asked – no explanations given. I couldn’t wait to get across the street to my friend’s house after school.”
Barry: “Mom and Dad always believed in me, even when I failed tenth grade. I knew my teachers had written me off but my parents still had faith that I would become a success somehow. I remember Dad sliding that horrible report card back into the brown school envelope unsigned.”
Need some help with your relationship?: Talk to a mentor
Become a better communicator: Learn the 5 levels of communication“Son, you’ve got the brains and the talent. How can we help you more?”
“I’m a doctor today because of that critical moment in the kitchen of our old house on Williams Street. He could have crushed my spirit with cruel criticism, but he chose instead to believe in me.”
Madge had just been given a quick review of the parenting skill of some of her relatives:
Gerard & Cora (was he away too much?)
Leroy & Luella (sounds like the Gestapo)
Russ & Tina (good job – I would have thrown the kid out)
Did you do a good job?
Your children are adults now. Their personalities, habits and patterns are set. The controls have shifted from your hands to theirs.
Did you do a good job of raising them? Did you do it by the book? Do they remember you as a motivator and encourager or as a critical disciplinarian! Do you dare ask if you raised them right?
Thank goodness for the child-rearing courses you took before becoming a parent. They unlocked the secrets of early childhood behaviour and gave you numerous options for resolving conflicts between your six and seven-year-olds. (You took the courses, didn’t you?)
Do you remember the comfort of being able to go to your bookshelf and retrieve volume IV of Parent and Child Encyclopedia when your daughter was suspended from school for defiance? Three suggestions and one always worked. (You had that encyclopedia didn’t you?)
Parenting magazines were everywhere with well researched articles offering proven methods and strategies for dealing with everything from potty training to adolescent impudence. (You were a subscriber, weren’t you?)
Oh…you missed all the training and advice, did you? How did you ever imagine you could be a successful parent without completing a bunch of child-rearing courses? Were you crazy…taking on a job like that uneducated? Who taught you how to parent? You actually thought you could succeed by just using the style your parents used – modified a bit to suit the background of your new spouse?
Let’s hear from them
I sense that some of your adult children are listening in on all of this…let’s chat with them about raising kids. Did your parents make some mistakes that you have promised to avoid? Are you going to do it so much different – so much better? Is there tension between you now because of the way you are raising their grandchildren? All the best to you on your parenting journey, but remember this about the models you’ve had (your parents):
- They were mere mortals with all the normal flaws and inadequacies. Plus they probably battled through difficult circumstances while raising you.
- They love you even if they didn’t say it enough. They would die for you.
If your parenting style is causing tension between you and your parents, try to understand how they are feeling and why they may be reacting as they are. It’s not uncommon for grandparents watching a different style of child-rearing to feel like they’ve failed. Why aren’t you raising your kids the way we raised you? They may suspect you had an unhappy childhood.
What your parents need right now is reassurance that you still respect their values. Identify the strong reasons for your new parenting style. Explain why you feel these methods are best for your children in today’s society. Confirm your love and respect for your father and mother. Tell them about all the family traditions that you intend to continue in your home.
Take a moment and project yourself into the future when your children are grown. They are in a Starbucks sipping latte’s and describing their upbringing. What would you hear? Glowing reports of your home as a childhood utopia or some mention of parental failures and inadequacies as well? Had they suffered because of your mistakes?
Wasn’t I the perfect parent?
You were going to be the perfect parent (training, education and research) and you still missed the mark on some issues – sound familiar?
Well, Boomers and Seniors…your turn again. Do you dare ask your adult children if you raised them right? Yes you should – take the challenge. Ask the hard questions. Get the straight goods from them. Invite them to choose the proven methods from your parenting career and eliminate the blunders when raising your grandchildren and great grandchildren. Get together and create your own informal family parenting forum. Future generations may benefit from your willingness to become vulnerable and ask them how you did.
Back to the family gathering. The last adult cousin that Madge heard was Natalie:
“My parents are the foundation of my life. They both had their quirks and each made their share of mistakes raising us…they were only human. I’m sure I drove my mother nuts with my constant “why me?” every time she asked me to do something. My dad always helped me with my homework. He taught me the original concepts of math with coloured jelly beans at our kitchen table. I wish he would have pushed me harder to go to university.
“As a teenager I lied to them so many times and they always forgave me. Some of my friends’ parents used guilt to try and control them…my parents were firm but tried to use support and encouragement instead.
“How did they even know where to start with us? They had no training. Talk about practicing without a license or working without a net. I truly believe I won the Parent Lottery. They raised me right.”
Eldon and Pearl Ellis where are you? Stand up and take a bow…Natalie’s comments to her cousins have just qualified you for your parenting credentials 36 years after you took the job.
