Tackling the Teenage Crisis: Helping Parents Survive Adolescent Rebellion
An alarming story recently made headlines across Canada. Desirae Shannon, an intelligent, well-liked teenage girl – raised in a strong Christian family, on the verge of graduating high school with straight A’s – ran away with her boyfriend. Not just any guy, mind you, but a young man wanted on charges relating to prostitution and physical assault on a child. The girl went by her own choice, and the couple spent nearly two weeks fleeing her parents, her church and the police before finally turning themselves in.
It’s the kind of story that sends chills up the spine of every parent. What makes an innocent girl, seemingly so well-grounded, make such a dangerous decision? And, more importantly, could it happen with my kid?
Having worked with teenagers and their parents for over 25 years, there is very little I haven’t seen in the way of teenage rebellion. Sex. Drugs. School expulsions. Runaways. Disrespect. Car accidents. Peer pressure. The list goes on.
On the topic of raising teenagers, Mark Twain advised, “When a boy turns 13, put him in a barrel and feed him through a knot hole. When he turns 16, plug up the hole.” Faced with the challenges that adolescence brings, this plan begins to look attractive! But is this really the only way to survive the teenage years?
Rebellion: Some facts about maturity into adulthood
Every parent wants to avoid teenage rebellion if at all possible, and for good reason. Who really wants to see their kids make bad choices and get themselves into trouble? And so I have parents asking me all the time, “How do I make sure my kid stays on the straight and narrow?”
You may be surprised by my answer. Here are a few things that will help us keep rebellion in its proper perspective:
1. Adolescent rebellion begins as a result of the desire for independence. It is a developmental norm. In fact, if you have the sneaking suspicion that teenage rebellion may be inevitable, you’re right! Pretty much every teenager will test the limits – and even cross the line – at one time or another. Of course, there are varying degrees of rebellion – one parent’s “rebellious child” may be another parent’s dream child! Nevertheless, even the best-behaved child will go the wrong way at some point.
The good news is that this does not have to be a crisis! In fact, believe it or not, rebellion can be a very healthy and integral part of your adolescent’s transition from childhood to adulthood.
2. Normal rebellion, though difficult to live with, is more praiseworthy than the desire for dependence. The opposite of rebellion would be the desire to stay at home, refusal to take responsibility for life, and fear of making decisions. Although this might make the teen years easier to handle for you as a parent, it is ultimately not what you want for your child.
3. Normal rebellion needs to be understood as the natural desire to grow, although being sought after in an awkward manner. Becoming an adult includes beginning to make decisions for oneself. Teens need to question the world around them and begin to own their personal beliefs and actions. Because the teen is inexperienced, this will inevitably lead to mistakes, but that’s okay. Failure plays a critical role in the learning process.
4. Because it does contribute to growing maturity, normal rebellion (increasing independence) should not only be expected by parents – it is actually desirable. Yes, you heard that right: a certain measure of rebellion is a good thing. Don’t force it by putting unrealistic expectations on your kids, but gradually and carefully transfer responsibility for life choices to the adolescent.
5. Much rebellion is fashioned after peer models. What other models do teenagers have of attaining independence? The need for having, doing or being like a peer is great. This can work negatively, but it can also work positively if you can help your kids choose friends wisely.
6. There are unhealthy causes to teenage rebellion, including:
- parental discord
- parental discipline methods
- family confusion: alcoholic parent, abusive situations, financial pressures
- peer influence
- fear of failure
- low self worth
If you suspect that any of these factors lie behind your teen’s rebellion, you need to deal with the root cause before the behaviour can be changed.
Healthy vs. unhealthy rebellion
One of the keys to helping your teen grow through their rebellion is being able to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy rebellion. How can you tell the difference? Here are some guidelines.
Characteristics of healthy rebellion:
- Healthy rebellion helps teens shed their cocoons and use their own wings. It is born out of increased independence, responsibility and autonomy. As the youth is allowed to make age-appropriate decisions, there may be some missteps, but it is a natural part of their progression to adulthood.
- Healthy rebellion involves open communication between the parents and the teen. The parent is really willing to listen, taking an active interest in the adolescent and trying to understand their world. They ask lots of questions, and provide reasonable guidelines and restrictions where necessary. Both sides have freedom to share their feelings.
- Healthy rebellion is gradual, occasional and varied in expression. Rebellion is not a way of life for the teen, and they are not consistently disregarding clear family standards. There is an ever-increasing dynamic of growing maturity.
- Healthy rebellion is creative in that it makes a man or woman out of the teen. They learn to stand up for their deeply held beliefs in positive, constructive ways, and even to stand against the tide at times.
- Healthy rebellion forces adults to let go and develop themselves. It can be difficult for us as parents to accept that our children are growing up, but it is critical that we adjust and drop the “My little boy syndrome.” Failure to give our kids the room they need to grow can actually cause them to act out in more destructive ways.
- Healthy rebellion gives teens confidence and assurance with adults. It teaches them how to relate to adults as peers, and not just as subordinates.
Characteristics of unhealthy rebellion:
- Unhealthy rebellion takes place in the context of closed communication channels. There is a lack of constructive discussion, and the relationship becomes increasingly strained over time.
- Unhealthy rebellion features sudden, extreme expressions of independence. Defiant outbursts are common, and explosive anger surfaces.
- Unhealthy rebellion leads to a lack of mutual trust. The teen may be flagrantly dishonest and deceptive. They are caught in lies as they attempt to cover up or explain away their actions.
- Unhealthy rebellion results in increasing resentment of restrictions, explanations and discipline. Instead of discovering the necessity and wisdom of the family standards that have been set up, the youth becomes more persistent in pushing against the limits.
- Unhealthy rebellion is marked by bitterness. Barriers of anger and withdrawal continue to build up between the teen and the parents, and the rebellion snowballs.
- Unhealthy rebellion manifests itself in a negative attitude toward all authority figures. The adolescent closes themselves off from encouragement or guidelines from any adult in their life.
- Unhealthy rebellion may be rooted in adults who won’t let go and insist on high levels of control. These parents fail to understand that their job, ultimately, is to release the child to live independently as an adult.
- Unhealthy rebellion is damaging to all parties involved. Instead of leading to positive growth, it actually delays maturity.
Coping with rebellion: Every teen’s quest for freedom and responsibility
Once we have understood the nature of our teen’s rebellion and accepted that it may be an important part of their growth process, we are ready to begin dealing with it. Approaches will vary based on the seriousness and type of behaviour that is occurring, but here are some basic principles to keep in mind:
1. Practice loving and consistent discipline early. Inconsistent discipline encourages kids to test the limits, to see what they can get away with; discipline apart from love breeds resentment and bitterness. Instead, discipline in a way that your kids know exactly what the rules are and what to expect when they break them – and above all, assure them of your unending love and support even when you are disappointed by their behaviour.
2. Continue to set limits, but gradually work toward reasonable responsibility and decision-making opportunities. Decide in advance which hills you are ready to die on, and which areas have more room for flexibility. Remember that your ultimate goal is to release your child to live their own life.
3. Work on being approachable, flexible and understanding. Allow exceptions when you can, be willing to change, and apologize for your mistakes. Create a safe environment for your teen to take risks to grow, and be a safe landing place when they fail.
4. Seek to provide adequate substitutes for banned activities or practices; don’t continuously prohibit without providing an alternative.
5. Take time for and spend time with your teen! Do fun things together, attend their activities and show your interest. They don’t need less of you during the teen years, but more.
6. Never, under any circumstance, withhold acceptance, forgiveness or encouragement. Try to think of one justifiable reason before God why you could withhold these! We are to model the character of God to our children, and above all He is a God of grace.
Helping your kids through the teen years should not be feared. It has been a good time with all four of our kids, and now that the last one is graduating, I would take those teen years again in a heartbeat. It is a great time of life!
35 Responses to “Tackling the Teenage Crisis: Helping Parents Survive Adolescent Rebellion”
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Tania,
My encouragement to you and joy is this: Jesus has overcome the world (and everything in it)! So for this cause we are charged as christians to rejoice forevermore! If for the sake of our salvation and deliverance Christ went to hades and took the keys of life and death from the enemy, I know your son’s salvation is inclusive in this package too!
My greatest prayer for him is the grace for him to resist total acceptance of this “medical fact” that might not necessarily be the “gospel truth”. When God made all things, HE SAW THAT THEY WERE GOOD.
Jesus’ love is more than sufficient to save his soul.
Be strong, firm and loving as you have always been and try as much as possible to show all the boys EQUAL attention (even though the 17yr old needs alot of that right now). Reward and rebuke your 17 yr old on issues just like you would have before he told you about his sexuality. This will help him through this phase to reassure him about how you feel towards him.
Christ loved us while we were yet sinners, this means He loves the sinner, but hates the sin. Your son needs to know that Christ loves Him and is still reaching out to him, no matter what!
Above all i pray for God’s grace and peace to see you through this period.
What people say, may and will hurt but all that TRULY counts is what GOD says.
Tania, my prayers are with you and my heart breaks for this very challenging situation. One of my really good friends is a passionate Christian who desperately want to help homosexuals discover a relationship with Christ and be changed. He has met this incredible friend and mentor named Chad Thompson who has also written the book “Loving Homosexuals as Jesus Would”. I would highly recommend reading this book and there is even information in the back of the book to contact Chad to ask for advice and help.
Personally, I am learning and find it challenging to authentically express the love of Christ to these individuals while not expressing your approval for what they are doing. It is important to accept and love people how they are but allow God to use you in His time and His way to transform them to be more like Christ.
My prayers are with you. Please write me if you need help as one of my friends is very knowledgeable in this area. At times all of us are confused about who we are, but no matter what happens our heavenly Father will never give up on us and do everything possible to keep leading us back to Him. I pray you would be encouraged and know your heavenly Father is actively pursuing your son.
Thank you Mikaela and Tony for your reply, I have a wonderful open relationship with my sons and we discuss life situations daily, I have now separated the boys into different rooms due to the arguments and also made it clear that aggressive and offensive behaviour is not tolerated,
Mikaela, dont get me wrong I love all my children and would never push them away, I just dont want them hurt in any way at all. Since coming out he has lost most of his friends and has become very withdrawn, he knows I love him and support him and would lay down my life for him. He is a very soft gentle boy and I am concerned he may be misled by others.
Of course its not the ideal situation and I would love grandchildren but thats not a necessity in life its a luxury but I certainly want my children to be happy with themselves and their choices.
Life is always full of uncertainties so i will keep doing what I been in loving, nurturing and caring for my children as they are the biggest blessing in my life and only God knows what the next step will be. I have trust and faith in him and his decisions and direction.
He blessed me with 5 beautiful boys and I will raise them with my complete heart and soul.
Tania, The most important thing is to love your son. Love him hard, and love him strong and make sure that no matter what he knows that you love him and that you are on his side. He is probably incredibly confused and scared right now. I cannot speak for all gay people, but for those that I know personally they have known about their sexuality for years before they express it. It’s a terrifying thing to be different, especially this kind of different which seems to close so many doors.
I know that some people believe that gay is a choice, but I don’t believe that. I have never met a person who chose. I know people who talk of realizing, accepting, coming to terms with, trying to hide or finally admitting that they are gay but I have never met someone who chose it. Who would chose a life that attracts so much hate?
Whether or not you get to be a part of your son’s life will largely depend on how you treat him now. If you are a safe person, if you are someone who loves him then you’ll get to keep your relationship with him. But if you are someone who pulls away from him because of this, or one more person who looks at him with sad and disappointed eyes, you may lose the chance to be part of his life.
I know that this is not what you would have chosen for him, and I cannot see the future, I don’t know if he will always feel this way or not, but he will remember how you reacted to his secret and he needs you now more than ever. He needs your love, he needs your protection, he needs to be able to talk to you about the things that he’s scared about or happy about. As much as you can, make your home a safe haven. Let your other boys know that you will not tolerate meanness directed at your son. Remind them, all the time, that gay and lesbian teens are at a significantly higher risk for suicide. He’s likely going to face a lot of negative comments, make sure that your home is not one more place where he has to take that.
I realize that this will be a sacrifice for you. This is not what you would have chosen for your son and I can imagine that there is a part of you wondering if certain dreams of yours are dying. Will you see him get married? Will he have kids? Loving him while dealing with your own questions is going to be hard. But you’re the grown-up and you’re the parent. Hard work is what we signed up for. I would encourage you to get some counselling for yourself. You’re going to need someone to lean on too.
He’s still your son, he’s always your son. Pray for him and love him and protect him and walk with him. Choose him and let other people worry about their own opinons. You won’t be sorry.
In my humble opinion the absence of correct Christian teachings exposes any child to the ungodly , secular and carnal philosophies of this world.
America’s educational systems are under the bombardment from those that promote homosexual agendas and ideas to force and compel school boards to teach and illustrate their students to accept as normal the package of information and ideas that supports the homosexual, gay, lesbian, transsexual and other styles of sexual identities they alleged are real and normal. Many of these groups are now trying to create laws to declare parents as criminals if you should teach in your homes that homosexual living is wrong or a sin. These groups declare that it is parents who are harming kids when they will not allow them to pursue the conduct of a alternative lifestyle. Even some christian churches or institutions have altered their previous doctrines and now accept these homosexual conducts as normal.
It is very easy today for a parent to neglect to teach their child about Gods opinions concerning these and other topics. Children can be quite rebellious and hostile to church and christian instructions. Why? Because it puts limitations on their curiosity to experiment or learn about what they see so many others doing.
So then when the knowledge of God is absent in their minds and all that is inside their heads is “video games, facebook, twitter, or the latest movie flicks or the messages of Lady Gaga then they will gravitate easily to follow what the Pagans Heathens and Philistines are doing. It is called carnal living, humans will follow the lust and appetites of their flesh.
OK,,, so to try and fix it, you need wisdom, not yours but Gods, and the source of all of Gods wisdom is demonstrated and spoken to us through the words of Jesus 1st.
If you are a Christian, then you follow what Jesus commanded, not your opinions, not the secular worlds views, nor do you hope or assume that one day your child will stumble upon it. It is clear that after a period of time that the heart of people will enter full rebellion and stubborness and will defiantly enter into enmity against Gods instructions. At that time God can allow them to become fully reprobate and then their minds will be so poisoned and confused that they will call evil good and good evil. Sadly today we see that already happening in many people.
OK,,,, what you need is power to make a person free, and that is only going to happen inside of their “mind”, the mind must be born again, the mind must be renewed, and this is to prevent the condition of a reprobate mind.
To do this,,, the genuine Gospel and the commandments of Jesus must be get into the persons “mind” so that they can “repent” and change their “mind” and thus be empowered from God above to live correctly.
The power to do this is in Matthew Mark Luke and John. People must “hear HIS voice”, Jesus the King, Jesus the Lord, and follow Him.
Read to your children the 4 gospels, Learn the 4 gospels and all the messages that Jesus speaks to adults and children.
Learn to know the voice of Jesus so you will not follow the wrong voice.
If you neglect to do these, then the devil, Satan, Lucifer, Beelzebub, the Dragon who deceiveth the whole earth will take your children.
Do not let that happen. It is too easy for your to learn what to do and devote your parenting to that task if you will just deny self and follow the voice of the Master. Jesus will teach you to know the truth so that the truth will make you free and free all the children from the power of the enemy. Therefore get a Bible,,, read the 4 Gospels, pray for God to take control over your children’s lives, expect a miracle, plan for a war, take back what the enemy will steal from you and he will put up a fight, aks God to fight the battle, pray more, let love cover a multitude of sin when your kids come back home just as the prodigal son returned to his father.
The Gospel is Gods “power unto salvation”, learn it, know it, study it, consume it, share it, and rejoice in it! It works!
May wisdom from above comfort the task ahead and peace fill your homes.
I have found this site very helpful and now I realise where I was going wrong with my teenagers too as I did not understand that this was normal for boys to act out and you described everything so well, I really appreciate it and due to this site my sons and I have a wonderful relationship now. I do have one question though, my 17 year old has proclaimed that he is now gay, is this a normal thing, is it in his genes like the doctors say? My reaction was calm and supportive but my Christian beliefs do not encourage this. He is my son and I love him regardless, I am not sure how to work with this as the other teenage boys are very angry and disgusted by this and it causes severe arguments between them when he speaks to other male friends of his. Any advise would be much appreciated thank you .
I am spartacus!,ironically my wife and I worried that our eldest daughter was too timmerous, now she has found her voice,loudly declearing her indepence and will not do any thing we ask of her, at school she back answers her teachers and is very disruptive.one extream to the other. When she finally finds herself, we will be blessed with the perfect daughter with whom we will share our lifes with. Metamorphosis the fist of three others!
OOOpppsss,,,, I gave a wrong quote, New Numbers Just quoted!
WOW WOW WOW —- WHY?
Lady Gaga has set new statistics quoted by New York Times.
FANS are doubling and tripling! WHY?
Face Book 48,800,000 million fans ! week ago 22 million.
Twitter 20,000,000 million fans ! week ago 7 million.
She recently launched her own social network, Little Monsters, which gives her fans an outlet to create or share Lady Gaga-related content, and communicate with other fans to show whether they like what other users post.
Barack Obama can only manage eighth place with 12.84 million
WHY IS LADY GAGA SO POPULAR.
Numbers are doubling per week.
What is the attraction to Lady Gaga?
What are her techniques?
What skill does she have?
What can she say to motivate people to follow her?
opinions welcomed!
To Anonymous_Girl,,,
It was nice to see your concerns expressed to help make families work better and parents to do a better job.
I have been a Christian since January 1977.
I have only one daughter 35 years old and a son-in-law.
From them, I have 3 granddaughters, one 16, one 13, one 12.
We all live next door to each other. I love it.
We hang out a lot and shoot the bull about all kinds of stuff.
My daughter lived with and was raised by me, my ex wanted freedom and left us.
Of course I took my daughter to church all her life and taught her Christian values from the Bible.
For 9 years I was head coach for our churches girls baseball team
I taught Bible studies.
I took lots of girls to Church campsites in the summer.
I took lots of my daughters church friends out for lunches and dinners and events when they happened.
I had a blast and lots of fun.
2 of my best adult friends at church all had girls only in their families and we visited them often and did various outings.
Several girls would come over to our house and spend the night and hang out and did lots of exploration in the neighborhood discovering the mysteries usually riding bikes and expanding their knowledge about the area.
I miss those days watching my daughter grow and all the great girls I met as she was growing up.
Many of them have married and moved away and all have families and children.
My daughter and her family all go to a local church, my daughter sings with the worship team, my son in law plays drums, my 3 grand daughters all volunteer and help with the kids nursery areas and they volunteer to help at the concession coffee and pizza stand they have in the church.
They all do a great job, I am proud of all of them.
My son in law is a hard worker and provides for all of them.
My daughter is a stay at home mom, and she home schools all 3.
Years ago I had a church friend family that home schooled their 4 kids and my daughter and I visited them often, and my daughter remarked that she remembered that family and how well educated they were and above all how well behaved and well mannered they were every time we visited them.
My daughter has dedicated herself to the duty to train up her girls with the same values and role model character she saw in that family.
It has worked out very well. The 3 girls are smashing geniuses in my humble opinion.
Above all they are 3 fully different personalities with profound ideas about life and their futures.
Every week they come over and we do a hangout night and get pizza, or Chinese food, or i cook for them because they like my burgers.
We hang out and have a blast.
Last night they came over, watched a movie, American Idol, played on the computer and we had some intense conversations.
They know we can talk about anything and they ask me all kinds of questions and have ideas and opinions we talk about. Last night we talked about modern female singers and their lifestyles.
They were shocked when I said I wish I could meet and talk with “Lady Gaga” and spend time getting to know more about her life and growing up.
Since all my life I have been surrounded by girls and see and hear their discussions and views and experiences it has caused me to be an intense researcher and investigator about modern female people and the influences they make upon girls and older women too.
I research history, schools, friends past and present, college transitions, career paths, business acquaintance’s, musical preferences, personal preferences, family lifestyles, and religions.
All of these topics influence girls when growing up.
And when I study girl topics I learn the enormous amounts of information that girls take in that contribute to form behavior patterns that lead to destructive attitudes and lifestyles.
There are amazing similarities I find in many of the modern pop stars and celebrity girls and women that they use to guide their lives.
Most of it is destructive influences or principles which they acquire from observations of other girls and women which they then use to invent their way they are going to live.
My grand daughters and I had a wonderful conversation last night and we listened to some “Lady Gaga” music and studied the words in the songs.
We studied and read the reasons or motivations why Lady Gaga writes lyrics for her music. We discussed and analyzed what Lady Gaga was saying to her fans.
My 3 grand daughters are sharp smart girls, and can quickly figure out the destructive and harmful problems that so much of the pop culture and societies have shown girls in the modern world of music TV and movies
which causes girls to use conduct in ways that hurts their home life and alienates them from family.
Of course Lady Gaga is an extreme young woman with an agenda to achieve some specific task through her music and videos.
But recently a female TV reporter quoted that “Lady Gaga” is now considered the most powerful influential woman in the pop culture, and affecting the lives of many young and older women.
Somehow the free spirited brazen appearances of Lady Gaga along with her video images and musical lyrics are deeply affecting young and old women that find Lady Gaga as an acceptable lifestyle.
Lady Gaga invites freedom of living life anyway you want without concern for your ethics or morals or the consequences.
Lady Gaga is the first to exceed 1 billion views on youtube, she has over 22+ million face book fans and over 7 million twitter friends.
Lady Gaga returned from her last world tour where she made $224.7 million dollars for less than 1 years work of a normal worker.
Lady Gaga is sought after by all kinds of businesses from around the world looking to exploit her popularity, her imagery and her fan base so that they can sell products or merchandise and make lots of money off her.
Who is Lady Gaga?
She is a real girl, with a real heart, with real feelings.
Lady Gaga has value, she is the daughter of a family, she has a sister that she loves and loves her, Lady Gaga is loved by God, Lady Gaga needs the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Lady Gaga needs Gods truth,,, in my opinion!
Who is Lady Gaga?
She is, “Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta”.
25 years old.
Lady Gaga shows us the a path a girl can follow that leads to harmful living to herself and others she influences.
Who will imitate Lady Gaga?
Lady Gaga list Madonna as her queen role model along with many others.
But one does not need to be on the Lady Gaga path to cause hurt or harm to themselves or others.
Our latest example is Whitney Houston.
I see so many girls and even church girls all their lives following the wrong information learned from pop culture people that creates harm to their lives.
I have always taught my daughter and my grand daughters to read the4 books of the New Testament called Matthew Mark Luke and John. My grand daughters all know that if girls do not know what these books teach then their lives and family relationships would be a mess.
These girls now know real love and are sharing this with other girls.
They have said that knowing these 4 books has given them wisdom that other girls do not know about. Their lives are better because of the information in these.
There is a path that seems right for a girl but the ends of that path are hurt, harm and destruction.
This website believes these principles.
* The Lord Jesus Christ commanded all believers to proclaim the gospel throughout the world and to disciple men and women of every nation.
* The fulfillment of that Great Commission requires that all worldly and personal ambition be subordinated to a total commitment to “Him who loved us and gave Himself for us.
Do you understand these?
Thank you,
TONY
ps
Thanks for sharing your story.
I hope you like my story too.
To Claire Colvin:
Thank you for your response.
I do not have a copy of my comment that I posted which you removed.
Please send me back a copy of what I posted.
Please indicate where and what I said that was name calling.
Help me learn what “you” consider name calling?
I am fully open to learn your parameters.
Please ! I really want to know what was wrong?
Thanks
Tony
Tony,
It was my decision to remove your earlier comment to Proud18. Your assertion that “Someone who operates this site must not like that what I posted would have really helped you find truth and be free.” is simply not true. Our terms of service clearly state that we do not allow name calling in the comments and I felt that your comment broke that rule. I understand that you are trying to help, and that’s a good thing, but we need to be careful when commenting online as all the other person will have is our words. We don’t have the benefits of tone or body language. Sometimes a comment can come across harsher than it was intended. Especially when speaking to a teen we need to remember that yes, we are commanded to speak the truth, but we are called to do so in love. (Eph 4:15)
Sincerely,
Claire Colvin
Sr. Ed., Power to Change
To Proud 18,
Several days ago I provided the Bibles scriptural explanations and Solutions for the issues you described.
It was up for you to read but now has disappeared.
I saw it,, it was there.
Information I share exposes specific problems that people may not want you to know.
I always go to the root causes of problems to help people.
Someone who operates this site must not like that what I posted would have really helped you find truth and be free.
But I see this often.
So my genuine Christian testimony was removed and silenced.
I hope these people will reconsider and repost what I sent for you.
I’m a 14 year old, straight ‘A’ student with loving parents.I don’t follow religion, but I respect those who do.
Sometimes, I feel angry or sad, and I want to be praised and told I’m loved.
I find that the best thing for me is to spend quality time with my parents, showing them all the music and video games I like, and watching as they share what they like with me.
If I do something wrong, even if I feel guilty and know I was in the wrong, I will stand by my position with stubborn determination, until someone explains to me exactly why I was wrong with sound logic. It’s just how my mind works :)
Discipline-wise, my Mum tells me off and bans me from doing something I like, such as my computer. I feel resentment towards her unless she explains why. If she does, I will still feel a little angry but I understand where she is coming from.
Even if she tells me off, she makes sure that I know that she loves me and that I can talk to her about anything, which would be awkward but I appreciate the offer all the same.
Surround yourself and your child with positive things. Introduce them to bubblegum-style music (for me, I love Japanese and Korean music), put up motivational posters (they may look at you sceptically, but it will rub off on them eventually), watch a chick flick together.
The main thing is making sure your child feels understood and loved. Praise them for good things, but make sure that your praise is well-earned, it gives us a sense of achievement. Sometimes all we want is to be acknowledged. Also, try to understand what they like. It makes us feel closer to you. I listen to Korean music, and I feel great whenever my Dad starts humming one of the tunes.
Make sure that you stand your ground, but explain why you are doing so, eg if I went to the shops without permission and without calling, you are angry with me because you were worried for my wellbeing, and didn’t know if I was lost or hurt. Set up guidelines and rules to make sure an incident isn’t repeated, and create a reward system. Make sure you both are clear with and agree on rules, don’t pressure or let yourself be pressured into agreeing to something. Routines never hurt anyone either.
Hope my feelings help you all. ;)
Okay I am a teen myself . &d my Mother was never their for me drinking/drug abuse, and when she was their she would always push herself on me to talk to her about what’s going on. Often we feel as if we have no one and as much as you parents say your their honestly it doesn’t matter to us. I believe in God he is my savior I pray to him , but growing up my mom would force me to go to church, and if I said 1 thing wrong she would say honor thy mother and father and you will long on this earth. Of course that’s true . But as a 18 year old and even in my younger years its like either you’ve been here for me from the start or your not here at all. For you parents its a situation that your child has been thru that you don’t know about that has them acting like that . Give some space. Don’t overcrowd your children loosen up, try being a friend instead of an authoritative . Not pushy nothing . We(teens) gett annoyed, don’t feel like being bothered. Don’t want to hear the crap you guys have to say , just leave them alone sometimes give a little freedom. I never had freedom so I started acting out, once I did that I got noticed. Support your children in activities love them for them , if they want to dye their hair, let them Go for it so they can feel happy within themselves. Its nt to anger parents its to become comfortable within ones self. I kno I had about 6 peircings before highschool not because iwanted my mom to get mad, just because I wanted to. To this day me and my mother do not have a good relationship because she was too pushy, always in the way, mean, said bad things, got angry w. Me , but I pray on my own, graduated on my own , in college onn my own , but since my mom always made me feel like a bad child, I have trust issues, love issues, insecurities, mean thoughts about myself etc. &d I’m only 18. Continue to pray and love your child for who they are instead of verbally bashing them for their wrong doings.
Hi Jean, praying and asking for God’s help and strength is exactly the right thing to be doing. You need His help not only to be able to do and say the things that help your daughter make the necessary changes in her life but you also need His help NOT to do and say the things that compound the problem. The promise of God is that He loves both of you and He has a perfect plan for both of you. He knows exactly what both of you need in order to develop into the person that He created you to be. His plan is a perfect one because He already knows what your future is going to be so He is able to craft a plan that perfectly fits all the scenarios of your life. He is also not limited by time or information so He is able to work out the plan to the smallest of details. So if He has already put the perfect, detailed plan all together why would He keep that plan a secret? Jesus declared that there wasn’t a word that He spoke or an action that he carries out that was the direct result of His Father’s direction “For I did not speak of my own accord, but the Father who sent me commanded me what to say and how to say it.” (John 12:49 not only what He said but how to say it. That sounds pretty detailed doesn’t it?) “I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does.” (John 5:19) Now if Jesus depended on God to direct His every action and word, how much more do we need God’s help to direct our words and actions?
So you don’t have to come up with a plan of how to love your daughter in these turbulent years. God has already put a perfect one together. All you have to do is focus your attention onto Him and allow Him to direct you. Jesus promised that you will be able to live like that when He described you as one of His sheep, “The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice.” (John 10:3-4) You job is not to figure out where to go, but to know the voice of the Good Shepherd and He will lead you to the places you should go and the things you should do and say.
A great picture of this kind of focused attention is a sheep dog. Have you ever watched those sheep dog competitions? the really good dogs have their eyes and ears always towards the shepherd. They don’t get distracted by the sheep or anything else because they are listening for the command from their master. He gives the signal and they rush off in one direction, but still with their eyes and ears toward him so that if he gives another direction they are quick to respond and head off in the new direction.
So how do you do that? First and foremost through prayer. At every moment of life be talking to God and asking Him what He wants you to say or do. Listen for His voice in your day so that you become more and more familiar with His voice and develop a trust in His leading and direction. Also, spend time reading the Words of God in the Bible. As you become more familiar with His voice there you will be better trained to hear Him in other places as well. Finally, spend time with other believers. Talk about what God is saying to you and teaching you. Ask questions about other people’s relationship with God so that you can learn from them about the ways that they hear God.
The more you are able to do that, the better prepared you will be to obey His plan for you in regards to your daughter. He will give you the perfect words to say. They may not be the words that she wants to hear and may elicit a angry response from her but if they are the words that God has given you then you won’t have to feel uncertain because you know that God is the mastermind behind those words and in the long-run they are exactly what she needs to grow into a godly woman who is also following the master plan of God.
Does that make sense Jean? I know I had a hard time seeing this. I wanted to have more freedom in saying and doing what I thought was best. But the more that God talked to me about this I realized that there is perfect freedom here because I never have to fear that I am making a mistake. If I follow God’s plan then I can have the comfort that it will be exactly right for every situation. And in that is the freedom of no regrets, or fear. I have that confident freedom not because of what I am able to do but because of the character of God which is absolutely trustworthy.
Lord God, I pray for Jean and her daughter and ask that Your perfect plan would be lived out in their lives. I ask that You would help Jean to sharpen her focus on You so that she is better able to hear, recognize and obey Your voice. I pray that You would help her to live out perfectly Your plan for her life through her moment-by-moment dependence on You. Help her daughter to see You in her mother and be inspired to herself live that kind of single-minded attention on You. And as they both live their life in complete dependence on You deepen their love and respect for each other and let their relationship be an example for other mother/daughters. In the power of the name of Jesus, amen.
Dear Jeynelle, it does not surprise me of your response, it is consistent with that of many Christian parents.
Christian college will not help and may make it worse for him. My experience is that kids who go to Christian colleges turn out to be christian parrots.
They are taught mental techniques to mimic and react to people with responses that are christian cliches, church lingo and church attitudes.
If your son is destined for Gods work or just to be a decent christian believer then he needs to know what the Gospel is,”period” !
Counseling has failed him, because the problem is so simple they do not understand it. Even Christian counselors fail.
Simply I would say that your son has either been deeply hurt by an adult,
disappointed by a adult or your son has committed a very bad sin and has hurt someone else. your sons pain is severe and he does not trust adults and is slowly fatiguing into no hope or cannot cope.
Someone has to get him to express what has happened.
But since he has shut out adults and locked the door of communications and associations then you have only 1 option. “Prayer” !
On your knees, fervent, petitioning, tear weeping, heaven shaking, prayer.
Prayer that moves mountains, prayers for the protection of your son.
Prayer that his mind would be opened and God can get truth inside him. Prayer that you and his father would release him to God and back off and let God be God and rescue him from the enemy that want to destroy him.
Only truth from God can fix his mind. His mind must be renewed. Pray that
your son seeks out to read Matthew Mark Luke and John! Tell your son that if he want answers for any problem then read the 4 gospels.
Tell him I said if he want to be wiser than other people, read the 4 gospels. He must hear the masters voice. We all must hear his voice and obey his commandment’s. NOTHING in the Bible is more important than to see than to know the Master voice and follow the Good Shepherd.
Matthew, Mark, Luke and John are the doors to your sons mind, Jesus can have a conversation with your sons brain that you cannot. His mind cannot hide anything from Jesus.
How strongly do you want your son? Will you step up and snatch him out of the enemy’s hands? PRAY?
Church hypocrites will disillusioned your son. When he sees the worldly carnal behavior operating in church people, and all his role models or living epistles have failed him. then he will have great disdain for God and live with enmity in his heart.
Your son may have been in church all his life and can quote all kinds of bible passages,,, but not “know” Jesus.
Jesus can ONLY be learned by reading Matthew Mark Luke and John!
That is why Jesus the ONLY instructions Jesus told the apostles was teach the Gospel and his commandments, period, end of story.
If your son or anyone does not know the gospel or what the commandments of Jesus are,,, then NOTHING else in the Bible can help them,, NOTHING, Zero.
The New and Everlasting Covenant made by the promise of God begins with the Gospel. Its Gods contract with your sons “mind”. God requires his mind to change, God requires his mind to be renewed. That New Covenant and New Testament is made by God. It comes from Hearing the Masters Voice, the voice of the Good Shepherd.
Jesus can fix any child, any mind, and any behavior,,,,, IF they will simply let Him in,,, He stands and knocks.
As parents,,,, as stewards for your son, as vessels for God to work through,
as mother and father you have task and responsibilities to perform.
If you have harmed, hurt or wounded your son then repent, describe to him that you were wrong, show him remorse, ask him with humility to forgive you for your sinful failures.
Your son wants truth, and truth will make your home free.
Truth is the prime ingredient for love to work. And love will then cover a multitude of sin.
Most churches today are contaminated with the practices of carnal living and pragmatic ideas trying to entice children and entertain them.
It all fails because it is mans ideas and vain traditions.
Jesus said that people worship God in Vain, because they have followed pastors (false shepherds) that have not taught correctly and have blinded the eyes of Gods truth.
As a mother and father get the Gospel in your minds and heart and get it from Jesus and know His voice.
There is so much to say about all this,,, there are causes and effects that most Christian people do not see or perceive because it was not taught properly to them, or they could not find the solution in the Bible.
Millions of alleged Christian people read Bibles constantly yet their responses and actions always are wrong and fail because they embrace or hold a “wrong view” about something that pre-conditions the mind to respond to another matter in a wrong way.
A pastors job is so simple, He has 52 Sundays per year to preach.
He should preach 52 time a year that the people should know the gospel and obey the commandments of Jesus.
No one needs to know about Jonah, or Noah or the Walls of Jericho, Jesus never said to preach or learn those things.
Sadly most people grow up in churches know more about the Old Testament which has nothing to do with them. Jesus never required anyone, especially Gentiles to learn the Old Testament. Paul the apostle was outraged when he found out that other apostles were trying to teach and make people Jews before they became Christians,,, Paul knew this was NOT required, not 1 ounce of anything else but Jesus is required.
God Bless
Tony
Thank you, Tony for sharing those thoughts. I am not quite sure how, though, I am supposed to get my “Bad child” to read the gospel when I can’t even get him to look me in the eye, clean his room or go to school. My son attends a Christian College and even they are struggling to get through to him. Church counselling has not worked either. Right now we,his family, are just praying that he makes it home safely every night….
I am 61, I have 1 daughter now 35. As I read all the complaints here I also see all of the same issues that I had raising her. I was divorced when she was 1 yr old. The mother wanted freedom. My daughter spent 99% of the time with me. Mom was some where else. I grew up quite rebellious and stubborn.
I was raised with both parents and Dad was a strong disciplinarian. I was raised as a Catholic and did all that I was taught. I was still extremely bad, defiant, and sinful.
The divorce caused me to review my life and attitudes. I realized and agreed that in spite of what other people were doing my life was missing real genuine wisdom and guidance.
I was a person that loved the carnival spirit, party hard.
But I was missing wisdom.
My mind was compiled with all the educations and knowledge but I was bad.
My life was operating with all kinds of pragmatic ideas and the ideas and philosophy of men, but I was still bad.
I had invented and internalized my own versions of Life, Love, and Happiness which were all bogus and destroying me a little each day.
After the divorce I realized truth, discovered truth and got put back onto the road of improvement and hope and wisdom compelled me in a better direction. My daughter was a point of curriculum and her escapades and tribulations simply compelled me to get more wisdom.
I have been following that wisdom for over 35 years now and it still works.
My daughter is married and I have 3 granddaughters. All 3 have specific individual attitudes, ideas, humor and points of view.
My daughter home schools all 3, one is 16, one 13, one 12.
All 3 are well behaved, and are very moral and modest in conduct.
My daughter used the same wisdom to raise them as I used to raise her.
I taught her about Jesus, I taught her to know what is the Gospel, and I taught her to read and know what is in the 4 Gospels in Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. She was taught to know the voice of Jesus, to hear Jesus speak.
Why did I take this approach? Because it worked. People are taught all kinds of things about God through their faith. Sadly much of it is taught in error and is filled with carnal ideas and the traditions of men.
Carnality and traditions will not help your child they will make them worse.
Bu the same is true for adults too.
Jesus said, His sheep hear His voice and follow Him. Sadly most people do not know His voice. Jesus gave the apostles very simple but very specific instructions for them to follow so as to recruit more people to follow Him and become Christian believers. He told them to teach people the Gospel and
to obey His commandments. Today 98% of people do not know what the genuine factual Gospel is nor what are the commandments Jesus said to obey.
If any person adult or child does not know the Gospel or the commandments of Jesus they can only live their lives then according to their own self will and pragmatic carnal values.
Jesus said “my sheep” hear My voice and follow me and another shepherd they will not follow.
If a child does not know the voice of Jesus and the Gospel message then they will follow the voice of the bad shepherd.
Until a child has read the 4 Gospels over and over and over and knows the voice of the Master, Jesus, then that child is vulnerable to pursue evil.
The Voice of Jesus free’s all people to those that listen and obey.
It is the only voice that can change the heart and evils that lie within.
Once the person knows the voice of Jesus and what the Gospel is, then only
will that person have a abundance of wisdom to live by and protect herself from clever schemes from an enemy they cannot see.
The voice of Jesus, the gospel message and the commandments of Jesus can fix any bad child once applied and followed as truth.
All the methods man has invented cannot fix a child unless they hear the gospel, repent and believe what is declares.
Knowing the voice of Jesus will fix any child.
It is that simple.
Truth and wisdom can truly fix a bad child…!
It worked for me.
It will work for you .
My 13 y.o has decided that he does not want to go to school anymore and will not even speak to his step-dad or brother. When we try to discuss the issues he nods in all the right places and apologises until we go away. Then its like the conversation never happened. I tell him I am there for him and love him every day but it doesn’t seem to matter… It honestly feels like I am wasting my time, and my life..
i am at my wits end with my 14 yr old soon to be 15. I’ve said everything and did everything to be said, she shows so much disrespect and will not communicate. I feel so awful because I want to say such awful things to her, I’ve been praying and seeking God during this and feel like I haven’t heard nothing. There is nothing more to be said, all I can do ia keep getting emotional hurt by her and forgiving I guess
You are so wise Theresa! ‘Creative planning’…I like that! Trust is such an important factor in dealing with teens. If they know that you love them and will be there for them regardless of everything else, they are more willing to listen and abide by the guidelines you set. Remember too that you are family for life, so it is well worth working through the issues to that in the end you have a good relationship once they are adults.
I have read some wonderful messages here, and have been reminded of some helpful strategies for remaining in the same world with our kids. The answers are all within our Faith in God…rely on it, our limitless Love for them and each other…remind them of just how big that is, and honesty…practice it everyday with them. With these you can build the trust necessary to get through these difficult years. We can be certain that there is no way through life without going through these years. May we use our God given and driven resources to make memories to share with a smile in the future. I have always tried to remember that I was there once upon a time! (They have a hard time believing that part) But we don’t ..name if honest with ourselves, we’ll all remember some “creative planning ” on our own part during *aDOLescEnCE*!
Ogeyi, that is more difficult. It is going to take time and effort on your part. Initiate conversation and relationship. Honestly share about yourself and your feelings. Celebrate togetherness; when you do something together make extended effort to make that special and memorable. Go out of your comfort zone to enter into his/her world. Be vulnerable there so that he/she can see that you value him/her.
Pray! God will show you how to reach across those barriers with love!
Elena,if your daughter got permission from her dad then your issue is not with her but with him. Don’t bring up the issue with her because she went through the proper channels.
Choose your battles carefully because you know that you only have so much energy. Is it more important that she be respectful to others or that she be piercing free?
Yes i completely agree with everything you have said. What i would like to know is how do you get through to a teenager who has built up “walls” around him/herself?
Im a single mom with 2 teenage daughters but is my youngest who’s giving me a hard time, she does whatever she wants besides she is unrespectful to everyone in my family, she just came back after spending time with her dad for new years and when I saw her I was shocked because she dyed her her fire red and she had a lip piercing ( she is only 11) well I’m so stress out about this situation because in addition is not just the fact that she did this but also that her dad was aware of the whole situation, as a matter of fact he was the one who have her permission to do it in the first place! I don’t know what to do because I can’t even rely on their dad anymore….
I think I would just expand on your great points Ogeyi by saying that your study should most importantly be done through conversation with the child. Open up with them so that you can know them, their fears and hopes, their sorrows and joys. The stronger the relationship between you the less reason they will have to lie–note I did not say they will never lie;)
Let your prayers also be that God would help you to provide a strong model of love and acceptance so that you child will find in you the same safety that you find in Your heavenly Father. “For God did not send Jesus into the world to condemn the world but that the world through Him might be saved.” (John 3:17)
PRAY! for the child. Study him/her closely so that you can easily dictect when a lie is about to drop!!! and when he/she learns that you are a hard nut to crack the lies will eventually reduce and your prayers will exterminate the rest.
Bindi, you seem to be talking about some personal experience. What kinds of limits would you suggest need to be in place for a teen?
House culture puts great impact on kids behaviour. When parents fight with each other, drink in front of kids, watch indecent movies and do all sorts of bad things, their children will definitely follow.
I’M DISMAYED BY THE TEENS ATITUDE ,4GET ABT GENERATION CRAP..OOOH PLS… THERE’S A LIMIT 2 ALLOWANCE 4 DIS NEW GENERA… THERE’S SELF DIGINITY 4 PARENTS AS WELL ! SO MUCH SPACE TEENS WANTS IS AS MUCH SPACE & GRATITUDE PARENTS SHLD GAIN 2 RECEIVE !!
Try talking to them, it has to be some peer pressure or insecurity. If they don’t open up to you, try a consult-those usually work out
My daughter continues to be manipulative,lies about where she’s going to be or who she’s with. She on a daily basis picks on her 2 year old sister makes her scream an cry whenever possible,calls her nasty names I can’t repeat! She is very abusive to her step father, call’s him names and swears at him on a daily basis. He drives her to school everyday n pays for everything! I try to do things with her and let her use the computer after she does the dishes of course but that’s a fight in its self also! My mother lives with us too so she is doing everything for my 14 year old..UHG I need help, We need help, she needs help!
Did you ever find the answer to your question? If you did, did it help? We are dealing with a 17 year old and your description seems to match. Know this a few months old, but if you have anything to offer it would be appreciated.
How do you deal with a cunning, manipulative child that loves to lie.