There’s another way your abuse could be impacting you and that’s in your enjoyment and desire for sex with your spouse. In addition to the ways sexual abuse damages our bodies, spirits and emotions, sexual abuse also damages our view of sex. When we’ve been used for others’ sexual pleasure the experience becomes associated with a negative view of sex.
One of the most confusing things for the sexual abuse victim is how their bodies responded during the abuse. How can something that feels scary, wrong and shameful also feel so good? Often a strategic pedophile grooms his victim by awakening their sexual desire making them a more willing, pliable participant. Now something that God designed for a holy, precious union between a husband and a wife has been seared on the young person’s brain as something shameful, dirty, and painful.
Then they get married to the person of their dreams. They’re madly in love. They want to have sex with this person; except, when their sexual desire is aroused, the unexpected happens. The old familiar feelings of shame, disgust and the sense that this is wrong squelches their desire and causes them to shrink back from the loving touch of their spouse. Or if their abuse was violent causing fear and feelings of helplessness, those same emotions will arise during sexual intimacy, even though this is a safe person. You see, sexual abuse not only robs a child of their childhood, but also steals from their future. The result is an emotional and physical withdrawal on the part of the sexual abuse victim fracturing the marriage union at its foundation.
If this is you, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for all that’s been robbed from you–your yesterday and your today. There is hope for you. It no longer has to rob you of your future. You can choose today to break its hold on you, to heal from the pain and shame to love and live in freedom and wholeness.
I can hear some of you saying to yourself, “But I’ve done all the counseling…I’ve tried everything I can think of, and nothing has worked.” You may not like my answer, but I’m going to encourage you to not give up. Don’t give up. Healing is a journey, a process. It doesn’t happen overnight. Along with the support of a professional counselor I encourage you to try the steps of healing offered – “How to Heal from Your Sexual Past”. I’ve seen God transform and heal the lives of hundreds of women as they’ve brought their hurts and pain to Him.
There is hope for healing. God can heal anyone. He can heal anything. He’s done it for me, and countless others. And He wants to do it for you.
Please, just don’t give up.
For further reading in this series:
Childhood Sexual Abuse: How the past affects the present
How do I know if I’ve been sexually abused?
Why do I feel this way?
How do I know if I need healing?
How can I heal from my sexual past?
Would you like to talk to a mentor? Just use this form and you’ll get a personal, private response from your mentor, usually within a couple of days. Can we pray for you?
Recommended Reading:
On The Threshold of Hope by: Diane Langberg
The Wounded Heart: Hope For Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse by: Dan Allender
List of Barbara’s Books Barbara covers many issues in her books including Sexual Abuse and much more.
What Do You Fear?
What do you fear, and why? Is it holding you back from realizing your full potential?
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Erica, I am so sorry for the horrific abuse you have suffered. It is completely understandable that you would be afraid, and that you would also have pain during pap tests. The tension you would experience alone just having a pap test done could result in pain, and it is possible that a medical exam may reveal further reasons as a result of being raped so very young. Erica, I believe you would benefit immensely from counselling to help you overcome the understandably extreme trauma you are suffering as a result of your past sexual abuse, and I encourage you to contact a counsellor as soon as possible. You deserve to know peace, calm, and joy in your life, rather than fear, violence, and anxiety. I pray you are able to find someone whom you can trust with whom you can work through the pain of your past so you can move into a future bright with hope and free from unhealthy fear and anxiety.
My struggle iz pain during sex i cant even have a pap because of the pain ive hurted there all my life hw can u make it stop
Hello im erika
i viewd ur sit because i need help i need to move on
From everything thats happind to me see ive been sexaully abused more
Then just once ive been sexauly abused my whole life
When i was 5yrz old i waz raped by not just a man aslo a women
Me and there sun were hurt by these people till thiz day i
Remember everything it effects my life deepy because of were it took place
I have a hard time taking showerz i feel sick and realy weak helpless
It has effectd me so much i hve a hard time take my dauqhter
A bath i feel scared itz an awfull feelin i remember wht happind and scared
For it ever to happin to my dauqhter i have to litterly have my mom helps me
Somtimesz because i have panic attaccz
Aslo wen i wasz 7 to 9 my cusin molested me
Made me lose my trust i never went out as a teen i wasz scared of life
Till thiz day i still am 16 i decided i need to try it
I cant stay home 4ever so i went with a frend to the moviez
I paid for the ticketz and she never told me she invited anyone along
She called him to the moviez he came but not alone with two more
Guyz i went because she was going to leave me by my self at the moviez
So i went we stoped at a park my frend wasz in the back seat with the two guyz i waz infront with the guy whos sapost to be her boyfrend
He pulled a gun to my head and raped me we were thrown at the park she wasnt not raped if thats what ur thinking she gave them what they want and i struggled for my life i wasz pregnet 16 and scared to tell my fsmily what happind scared for them to know the truth because honeztly u do feel guilty u wish there wasz somthin u could have changed but my daughter was born in feb 2008 i wasz 17 she was so beatiful i forgot all that happind to me when i looked in her eyes and just knew i loved her i knew had to be strong for her but its so hard to do everyday i try & not let my dauqhter know im hurt i try not to let her know ove been hurt i dont ever want her to feel thiz way
till this day i cant get over what ive been threw i cant move on forth with my life its the hardest thing anyone could get over it can destroy
Stacy Ann,
I can see how your past sexual abuse would really impact any and all of your current relationships. I guess the very first question that I would ask is whether or not you have sought professional counseling?When we have dealt with difficult past relationships we bring those issues into our present so when it is something that was ongoing for years, it will be even more so.
You mentioned that your relationships never work out because you can’t get close. It’s because your trust bank is empty. As you get to know someone and they prove that they are trustworthy, that puts a deposit in your trust bank. When they follow through and do what they say they will, that puts another deposit in your trust bank. The fuller that gets, the more you are able to trust others as well.
But it is much like an onion…..we think we have dealt with the issue. As you said, you have tried giving everything to God and have asked for healing. But then there is another trigger and we find out that there is another layer that we need to deal with. We would like to live our lives as if we are taking chunks out of an apple and once we bite into them they are gone. But instead we find layers upon layers.
So may I just encourage you not to give up, but to keep giving it to God and keep working on learning to trust again. And like I said, if you haven’t already seen a professional counselor, that’s a good place to start as well.
My relationships never work out because I can’t even get close. Yes, I have tried giving everything to God and have asked for healing. My past sexual abuse still pops in a lot of things I do or don’t do. I won’t even have sex because I am afraid of being hurt again. (I have been abused from the time I was 2 1/2 on up to the time I was 16 or 17.) Nothing seems to help.