Help your teen clean up his language
“Mom, why do teenagers use swear words?” innocently asks ten year old Kaytie. This child’s question is one that many parents ask themselves, their friends and families virtually every day. Whether overhearing a teen talking on the phone, chatting with a friend in the basement, or in the heat of an argument between siblings, parents of teens often find themselves looking for options to curb their teen’s vocabulary. If your teen’s language leaves you needing to purchase teen mouth sized bars of soap, don’t despair. Gaining insight into why they choose the words they do will help you to help your teen clean up his potty mouth!
Trying to sound mature
Kaytie is the youngest of three children. With a nearly eighteen year old sister, and a fifteen year old brother, her mother Katrina wistfully shares her youngest child’s curiosity surrounding teen cursing. “It’s ironic that she’s appalled. Her sister and brother were once also shocked to hear a teen swearing” says Katrina, “now they use the very same words they once rebuffed.” The family’s circumstances are not uncommon.
“Many young people resort to swearing as a means to try to demonstrate their level of maturity” explains retired psychology Professor Dr. Francis Compton PhD. Now a mentor and lecturer, Dr. Compton has spent more than thirty years studying and understanding the social behaviors of adolescents in Australia, England and North America. “Children and young adults mistakenly equate verbal demonstrations with a level of maturity. They honestly believe they’re perceived older if they use words typically associated with adults” says Compton.
Who’s saying what?
In one of Professor Compton’s many studies, he learned that a surprising 87% of children ages 12 to 19 group curse words into categories of severity. When asked to make their own list of words they deem inappropriate, the 855 participants of a 2000 study classified common and sometimes harsh or graphic words by the word’s perceived strength or meaning. “It was interesting and insightful to learn that the vast majority cited that using mild or moderate curse words, often heard on television, was not actually swearing” says Compton as he explains his findings “in fact, many felt that vulgar slang or profanities heard on television were a normal and acceptable aspect of everyday language.”
Melissa Reid’s Ithaca, New York family falls into Professor Compton’s majority. Stunned by what she heard her twelve year old daughter mutter in disgust to herself when she was trying to solve a math assignment, she immediately questioned Tiffanie on her choice of words. “I’ll never forget her reply” says Melissa, “when she said ‘It’s no big deal mom. It’s not like I’m really swearing’ I wondered how I failed to instill good values” she openly admits. Believing that only ‘bad’ kids use profanity, Reid shares a popular misconception that parents of ‘good’ children with strong morals and values do not say inappropriate words.
Compton’s extensive research also concluded that use of profanity didn’t vary greatly from rural, urban or suburban areas. When you compare the eighty two percent of children in urban environments, seventy nine percent of children in suburban area and the seventy three percent of children in rural areas who admit to using curse words at least three times a day, parents can begin to understand that the urge to curse does not discriminate. “Regardless of where they live, social or economic circumstances, teens want to feel mature, and be revered. They believe swearing helps them to swiftly accomplish this goal” Professor Compton adds.
Where they swear
An overwhelming number of children use mature language in notes that are passed between classes, while describing an event during lunch or study hall, and when communicating with friends socially. Dr. Anne Hoffman, PhD is the Dean of Students at a Boston, MA high school. “We are continually reminding students to tone down their language during passing periods or sports practices” says Dr. Hoffman. A random sampling of notes Hoffman has collected from the floors of her school’s halls shows teens swear to describe animosity toward a peer or a maneuver they mastered on the playing field.
Timothy DeBlauw is the owner of a franchise coffeehouse in New York, NY that is frequented by many teenagers throughout the day. “It’s amazing how many kids casually toss out profanity as though they’re asking someone to pass the sugar. There are times it can be bad for business because of our diverse clientele. Parents stopping in with young children are generally appalled at how many of the teens speak” explains DeBlauw.
A flight attendant for over ten years, Cindy Krull overhears young people using curse words as they wait for access to the planes’ lavatory or out of frustration with the in-flight movie selection. “I immediately always wonder if that’s how my own children speak away from home” Krull says. Knowing where our teens swear is helpful, but it is not enough to change their behavior.
Helping teens develop their language
“Teens equate swearing to a rite of passage” says Brent Pearlman MSW of Libertyville, IL “as parents we can help them learn healthier ways of expressing and developing maturity.” The first step to cleaning up teen talk is listening to your teen. “When you ascertain in what scenarios and environments he typically swears, you can help him find alternatives to express himself” says Pearlman himself the father of two young daughters.
Does your teen try to project confidence or superiority when he swears? Does she demonstrate anguish, disgust or disdain in herself or peers with cursing? Do you hear your teen causally and subconsciously dropping profanities intermittently throughout casual conversations? Knowing the prime times your teen swears will help you choose a course of action to clean up the cursing.
Teens frequently opt for strong language as the result of peer pressure. When she asked her fifteen year old son Matthew why he selects such strong language to convey his point of view, Susan from Toronto was astonished by her teen’s straightforward answer. “I talk just like all my friends. We don’t mean anything and it’s not like adults don’t say those things” was Matthew’s enlightening response. Although it may appear cavalier, Matthew’s explanation is familiarly synonymous with beliefs of his peers.
Realizing that her son and his friends were trying to out-do each other in a ritual game of whose language packs the most shock value, Susan decided she wanted to break her son’s habit of vulgarity. “We talked about better ways he could grab his friend’s and acquaintance’s attention,” states Susan “I tried to impress that acting older didn’t automatically mean someone would believe he’s mature.”
Many parents like Susan and Reid also find explaining that swearing is not an impressive trait or something that is respected and admired provides clarity. When teens realize that vulgarity or excessive slang has an affect that is ironically opposite than their desired perception of maturity, they are less inclined to taint their vocabulary with swearing. “Helping your teen find an intelligent means to express himself, and thus demonstrate true maturity, will both curb swearing and help him achieve his desired goal” suggests Pearlman.
Experts like Pearlman also suggest parents model the language they expect their teens and tweens to utilize. “Reinforcing positive expressions of various emotions lets teens know there’s another way to same the same thing” offers Pearlman. Of course, we’re all human and can possibly accidentally or occasionally let a slang word slip. The frustration of stalled traffic or of dropping a heavy can on top of your foot can cause the most restrained individual to use an inappropriate word.
Acknowledging that you’re aware you made a regrettable word choice helps teens respect the lessons you’re aiming to instill. “Demonstrating your remorse for using a curse word offers your teen a glimpse into your humanistic persona” says Dr. Compton “your teen will build a greater respect for you and your ideals.”
Additionally helping your teen realize there are consequences to all of his actions — including swearing — provides another deterrent. If your teen has to pay a predetermined ‘fee’ or ‘toll’ for every profanity used, he may think twice about spending his hard earned allowance on curse words. A curse word cookie jar worked miraculously for Susan Boyer’s son. “After a few weeks of paying for his language, he decided he’s give up swearing. It was just too expensive!’ Boyer happily proclaims.