My Son Who is in Heaven

Written by Beth Scholes

At 19 weeks I gave birth to a little boy.  We named him Jacob.  We said hello and goodbye in the same hour. He is not a miscarriage or an almost-child, he is my son.  This letter was written three years after his birth.  This is a glimpse into my mother’s heart, a letter written to Jacob my son who resides in heaven.  If you (or someone you know) have lost a child perhaps you will relate.

Dear Jacob,

Three years have come and gone since we met and said goodbye to you.  How time has alternated between dragging and flying by.  I can hardly believe that it has been three years.  It seems odd, that whole time oxymoron.  It either flies by or drags.  When I am besought with pain it drags and seems to go on forever, the pain seems endless.  Yet when I look at other little boys your age it seems to have flown by.  I still think of you as a baby, but you would not be a baby anymore.

This week I allowed thoughts of you to creep into my imagination. (I don’t permit myself to do that very often, it hurts too much).   This week I allowed it and wondered what color your hair would be.  By now you would have a full head of hair.  What about your eyes and your features?  I assume that you would look like Sam, he looks exactly like Daddy.  But how would you differ?  What would your personality be like?  I imagine that you would be easy going.  Fourth children must be, after all.  Probably quite busy, as boys are, especially my boys.  Who are you Jacob?

You are a myth.  You can be whoever I want you to be.  I can invent your looks and personality anyway I choose, I can imagine you however my mind will go.  Yet I arrive again at the painful realization that whoever I make you to be I will never know the answer to my questions. The pain, having receded with my imaginings, forces its way back into my heart with a creeping, seeping knowledge that I will never know!

Some kids have imaginary friends, yet mothers who have lost babies have imaginary children.  They are based in reality, for I have seen you with my own eyes, I have heard your heart beat, I have felt you move.  Only once did I have these opportunities with you my son.  I saw you only once, heard your heart beat just once, I felt you move only once, but you lived with me for 19 weeks.  For 19 weeks, just shy of 5 months, I dreamed of my baby, and a bond grew between us that will last a lifetime. Although your personality and looks are left to my imagination, you my son are real!  My love for you is real and I cling to the hope of Heaven and our reunion.

This year for your birthday I bought another Willow Tree figurine.  This one is a little boy with his hands in the air lifting a balloon high for all to see.  His face is tilted up, his arms lifted high.  The balloon says HOPE in it.  I bought it because it could be a 2 1/2 year old boy, which is what you would be today if you were here in my arms.  I choose to cling to the hope we have of Heaven. So this little boy will remind me of my son in Heaven and that there is hope for our future both yours and mine even though we cannot be together; for now.

 

Hope means so much Jacob, because I have hope that someday we will meet in heaven.  I am assuming that I will recognize you.  How could a mother not know her child?! (It grieves my heart to have to wonder.) Yet I don’t know what you look like or your mannerisms.  But here comes hope once again to encompass my heart and say of course I will recognize you, I am sure that God will grant a mother’s heart this gift.

Even as I write, my eyes swim with unshed tears.  There are tears for the pain I suffer at not watching you grow up with our friends, and tears that I must sit here and wonder who you are and what you are like instead of chasing you and telling you to “get down or stop that”.  I cry because you are in some ways my imaginary child.  I have sad tears for my loss and the hole you left in my heart and life; glad tears for hope and our future knowing that one day we will meet.

So Jacob, these are the musings of a mother’s heart three years after your loss.  Looking back I remember wondering, a couple of weeks after you were born, “When will I get over this?  How long will it hurt like this?” I guess it’s a good thing no one told me “forever”.  The pain has changed, one cannot live with pain that large and throbbing forever, yet it will never go away.

I will never get over the pain and sorrow of losing my son. Yet oddly Jacob, there are many who wouldn’t consider you a person or me your mother because you never took a breath on your own or came to life outside of my womb.  How little those people know about the truth, Jacob.  Perhaps you and I can share a message someday about life before birth and the bond created between mother and child no matter how big the child.

It is time to close for now.

Love, Mom

If you know what it is to lose a child, I am so sorry for your loss.  If you would like to talk to someone you can use this form to request a mentor.

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5 Responses to “My Son Who is in Heaven”

  • Bonnie says:

    I had a beautiful red headed daughter with freckles who was the love of my life. She passed onto Heaven when she was only 32 years of age. Our Lord uses dreams from my daughter on special occasions in my life to encourage me. I know it was OUR LORD’s will to take her home. We do not know what happened to her, but Our Lord knows! I believe also that one day I will see her in Heaven too! Our Lord saved her Soul one week before he took her onto Heaven with HIM. I also had a miscarriage at 3 months. I dreamed that he was a sweet little boy with dark hair. I know he is in Heaven with my daughter. It will not be long before OUR LORD will come and take us all home to be in Heaven with HIM and all of us on this website who are saved from our sins will meet HIM in the air on the that day that HE comes through the Eastern skies to take his Children home. I took will never stop hurting from the pain in my heart as each of you on this website, but OUR LORD gives us the GRACE WE NEED EACH AND EVERY DAY TO ENDURE! LOVE YOU ALL! Bonnie

  • Nathalie says:

    Wow, how do I know how you mommy’s feel like is beyond any words. I have myself lost 2 baby’s. One at 29 weeks and one at 26 weeks. Today would be my son 15th Bday. After all these years tears still were rolling down my face this am when I woke up and thought about him. It trully does get better but the pain will never go away. I too now have 2 beautiful children to be grateful, blessed with and I’m now trying to enjoy every moments with them that I can. May God be with us and all our little baby’s in heaven.

  • shelley says:

    To my sister Avril-let me take your concern to our Father who is in heaven.
    Dear Daddy-You know so well what my sister is going through at this time in her life, as she remembers her daughter that is with You in heaven. You are watching over hre daughter until they meet one day in there palace that is waiting for them to reunit to each other. I pray that You Daddy will comfort my sister Avril with Your Mighty arms and let her feel Your warmth to her. In Jesus Mightyname amen

  • Beth Scholes Beth Scholes says:

    Avril, Thank you for your kind, encouraging words. I am so sorry for your loss as well. I agree time helps the emotionally overwhelming feelings, but we will NEVER forget these precious babies. I am so glad you have keepsakes to remember her by, they help VERY much. We actually lost two babies, Jacob whom you read about and Grace one year later. I have more items to remember Grace with, and they do help. With Jacob I have what I have written. Blessings to you, and may we always remember with those who understand or need understanding.

  • Avril says:

    What a lovely letter, truly written from within your heart. Tears formed as I read your words.
    I’m very sorry for. Your loss.
    My 1st daughter was stillborn at 24 weeks – no cause found. She and I were healthy according to numerous tests etc.
    She would be 8 years old now and I still wonder what she would look like, what her voice would sound like, how she would laugh, but I will never know. But, I do have a scrapbook and keepsake box of her. I have ultrasounds, photos courtesy of the hospital staff and my sister, her footprints thanks to hospital staff, hospital id band, her hospital clothes and blanket.
    I will be forever grateful for the things I have to look at and hold.
    I have a 3 year old son and 2 year old daughter who are my world, they are precious, but the pain will never leave over losing my first daughter. Its not as bad as the years go by, but the pain does remain.
    My 2 year old daughter brought some light to my 1st daughters anniversary/birthday. I left the hospital with a healthy baby girl on the exact day/date of my 1st daughters birth/death (6th anniversay). Though this takes nothing away from my 1st daughter, it does bring a smile to think my 2 daughters are associated with this one day.

    No one can ever know what it is like to lose a child without experiencing the heartbreaking loss and no one deserves to experience this.

    I am sorry for your loss. Your letter is beautiful and so accurate it hurts.

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