I Can’t Forgive Their Sexual Past

Written by Barbara Wilson

I recently heard from a man struggling with the sexual past of a new love in his life. As a widower, his only sexual partner had been his wife. But his new friend had many, including a couple husbands and several boyfriends. According to him everything about her was perfect except this one thing. He wanted to move the relationship forward, but didn’t know how he could live tormented by the images of her with other men. “My own problem,” he said “which breaks my heart because I genuinely like her and care for her, is that unless I can get past this aspect of her life, we are destined to remain ‘just friends’.”

Before you start judging him for his unforgiving attitude, let me tell you that he’s not alone.  I hear frequently from men and women whose sexual pasts don’t mirror their partner’s and they are filled with pain not only for them, but because of the mental images of them with another.  And they ask the same question. “I want to forgive, I want to forget, but how? I don’t know how. Please help me forgive.”

Forgiveness is not our gift to offer

I understand how difficult it is to work through the sexual past of someone we love. I can assure you that when your partner has a more extensive sexual history than you do, he or she feels the weight of this guilt and shame even more than you do.  Men and women in this position often struggle with feelings of unworthiness as well.

Forgiveness is not our gift to offer.  It’s God’s gift to us and through us. If you’ve been a Christian for a while, then you already know all the verses on forgiveness, and Jesus’ command that we forgive each other. In other words, you know you should, but knowing it and doing it are two very different things.

I believe forgiveness is so hard because we’re really not capable of it, at least, not on our own. In fact, the only reason we can forgive is because God first forgives us. In Isaiah 43:25 He says, “I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.” This is really amazing when you think of it. The one the bible says we actually sin against, the only one who has the right to hold our sins against us says He blots them out, eliminates them, and then going a step further says, He forgets them forever. You can choose not to forgive your friend, but in reality he or she didn’t sin against you, but rather against God. God has chosen to forgive them and forget their sins. So it leaves you with no other choice.

On your own, you can’t forgive, but through you, God can and does. Every day we choose to forgive, God uses us to be His forgiveness to others on earth. Married couples have the privilege of being the one God uses to offer love and forgiveness to each other every day for the rest of their lives. So how can you forgive and be God’s vessel of forgiveness to this one He’s brought into your life?

Here are six steps in the forgiveness process

  1. Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. We make the choice to forgive and trust God with the feelings. Whenever those thoughts come, simply say (out loud if that helps), Lord I choose to forgive_____ for _____. I’ll trust you with the feelings of forgiveness.God is faithful, before long, you’ll find the thoughts don’t come as often, and your feelings will be grace-filled and no longer painful. Eventually, you’ll find you’re not having those images of her with others so much, and even if you do, it won’t be associated with the same emotions as before.
  2. God is really serious about forgiveness. In fact He says that if we want forgiveness from Him for our sins, we must forgive others their sins. Scary, right? The Lord’s Prayer in Matthew 6 links receiving and offering forgiveness together: “Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” Then just two verses down Jesus says, “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” In other words, when we come to God for forgiveness, He’ll say, “First things first…forgive __________ for _________, and then I will forgive you.”
  3. Ask God to help you see your friend as He does. I can assure you that God does not see her as a sinner. If she’s accepted Jesus as her Savior, than all God sees is someone righteous, holy, without blame or stain. The bible says God clothes us in righteousness because of Jesus. When He looks at us, He doesn’t see us as we see ourselves, sinful, dirty, and stained. He sees what Jesus’ blood has done for us…made us righteous and pure, acceptable to Him. If you can’t see her that way, ask God to give you His eyes to see here this way.
  4. God is more concerned about what’s going on now with your friend than what happened in the past. Is she in a growing, loving relationship with Jesus now? Is she walking with God in obedience in her life now? God cares about where her heart is now, He’s already forgotten the past.
  5. Healing is different than forgiveness. Although God forgives us for past sin, when it comes to sexual sin we still need healing. We still live with the pain, shame and wounds of the past that God wants to heal so that we can be free. I would encourage your friend to find healing for her past and to break the sexual bonds she created with past husbands and boyfriends, not only for herself, but for every present and future relationship she has.

God will help you forgive her because He’s already forgiven her. Unconditional love and forgiveness are the very definition of who God is. It’s something He’s asked us to do for each other. Now it’s your CHOICE. You just need to say “Yes, God I’ll forgive,” and let God take care of the rest. I know it sounds too simple. “There’s got to be something more,” you may protest. But that’s the best part of trusting God. He does make it simple. His power is real. It’s us who try to complicate things by doing it our own way.   

We can’t forgive in our own strength. It truly is a supernatural, divine action that requires God’s strength in and through us. That’s why choosing to forgive is the first step, because then God can take over and make it real in our lives.  Before long you will discover for yourself that your negative feelings are gone, that you have grace today where yesterday you had anger and resentment. That’s not to say that something won’t happen that will bring it up again, but that’s when you pick up your weapon again and say, “Lord I choose to forgive___ for ___. “

Remember this is a process and it takes time for the emotions to catch up with the decision.  When Jesus talked about forgiving seventy-times-seven I think this is what He meant.  Every time that old emotion of anger/un-forgiveness crops up, we just forgive again.  This way we don’t actually dwell on the un-forgiveness or negative emotion, rather we focus on the forgiveness part instead.   That will lead to freedom for you and in your relationship.  In the beginning it may need to happen daily or multiple times a day, but will eventually take hold and be permanent.

I promise, you can trust Him with this. Once you choose to forgive and say the words, God will take over and pour His forgiveness through you to her. It’s really that simple. Forgiveness is not our gift to offer.  It’s God’s gift to us and through us.

Take the next step:

Does forgiveness cancel out consequences?
Take a lesson: Find freedom in forgiveness
How to deal with emotional baggage

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49 Responses to “I Can’t Forgive Their Sexual Past”

  • cody says:

    I have been dealing with this myself for quite sometime. I was raised Christian and as a youth turned away from god. In the last year I rediscovered who I really am and began my journey with god again. I have struggled to forgive my wife of her sexualsin. This is one the best writings I have found on the subject and.plan to read it often to remind me of how god has forgiven my sin and how badly I need to forgive my wife. Thanks for this wonderfully writing.

  • cody says:

    I cant access my previous email and am leaving this message with one i can access. Any more tips, advice, or other peoples experiences with this would be muchly appreciated! Thanks and god bless!

  • Doris Beck Doris says:

    Cody,
    I’m so glad that you were encouraged by this article. It’s so important for all of us to remember that we have been forgiven much ourselves and so we need to forgive others as well. You mentioned that you can’t access your previous email so you reposted with one that you could. We do have a wonderful team of online mentors that would love to walk alongside of you on your journey and pray for you. if you are interested in having one email you, just fill in the form on this page and someone will be in touch. http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/

  • Sad says:

    I deal with this same issue. My wife was very sexual in high school and college its been a long time ago but I feel really left out. For me its not so much about forgiveness as it is jealousy. I dont like the thoughts of her being with another man. I have been with a lot of other women and she is the best lover I have ever had I just worry she cant say the same thing. she tells me that i am but I dont believe her. What should I do with this?

  • Andrew Andrew says:

    @Sad when I read your response it seems like you have an issue with self confidence from man other sexual relationships you have been involved in. The biggest problem with sexual relationships is that it never satisfies but leaves you feeling empty. Most people don’t equate spirituality with sexuality however when a person decides to fully surrender to Christ then we achieve a self confidence which only comes from surrendering to Christ. I think most woman would agree that a man who is extremely self confident is one of the things they are attracted too.

    If you wish to remove the sadness in your heart allow God first to love you, secondly understand that God created you to be a part of his family which is the church, and he created you to serve others. Don’t grade yourself on your performance in the bedroom but when you surrender to Christ and serve others your life will change. It is important that you ask Christ to forgive you of the past which he does do and look forward not if your good enough. God Bless

  • Jenny says:

    Thank you so much for this article. I am learning to forgive my boyfriend who has a sexual past and I don’t. I’ve waited so long to give myself to my husband in marriage and it is hard for me to accept that my boyfriend did not wait. We are talking through things right now and I am working on processing, healing and forgiving. We are certain that God has called us together for marriage but like you said, sometimes it takes a while for our emotions to catch up to our spirits! Prayers are appreciated!

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    Hi there. Let us take this to our Father-Lord God-Daddy. We come to you today to help my sister and her realtionship to be as You want it to be with them together as one in You. I pray that you bring them together, but that they will both seek You in the preocess of a healthy relationship. In jesus Mightyname amen

  • Bob says:

    Thank You all, for the article and comments. I too am struggling so much so that I get very depressed and my marriage is suffering so. I was with many women before my marriage as I could never find a virgin to marry, so I used all the others as I did not respect them. The one virgin I did find left me for someone because I was respecting her, and she did not want that. I married later in life, in my mid 40′s to a woman whom I thought was the purest, however I knew that she had given her virginity to her previous lover whom she thought she was to marry. She later left him as she realized he was not for her after all. My issue has been that knowing her to be a devout Catholic, I could not understand why she would give in to someone that was not of the same faith. And more shocking was that he was divorced with children, she was much younger and I believe he deliberately took advantage of her innocence and purity. I carry such hatred toward him as our marriage still suffers after 8 years as I cannot rid my mind or thoughts of her being used by him. There is nothing new for us sexually that he had not already shared with her. She has forgiven herself and him…I cannot. He soiled her and our marriage bed. We have 4 young sons now…yet thoughts of them together haunt me. Our marriage bed has always been less than satisfying for me. I still have sleepless nights over this. She was so pure, and he took our marriage bed from us with his lies and deceit, walking away a victor and with a notch on his sleeve of taking down a virgin. I have such contempt for him, and I know the only people suffering here is myself, and my wife from my lack of foregiveness and maturity on this subject. Oh How I Pain Still after all these years go by…I love her, and want to love her more, yet this memory which is conjured up in my mind is killing me and our marriage. God Forgive Me.

  • Bob says:

    He never put a ring on her finger, nor asked him to marry her…she conjured up in her own heart and mind that someday they would marry…to justify her gifting him with her virginity that she held on to for 25 years. Why? I will never know…three years in that relationship, he used her in every way then when she finally decided to leave he held on as he knew he was losing control of her and the relationship…I so hate him as he was 15 yrs her senior and knew exactly what he was violating…she was saving herself, and he deceived her with his lies…what i meant by conjured up in my mind is that I imagine the things they did in those three years…I am so pained by his presence in her life and now ours. Call me what you will…premarital sexual sin runs deep and carries scars into all marriages, including my own transgressions. Those that say different are in total denial to justify their own actions. Stay pure, hold out for marriage, your life will be better. Avoid our pain.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Bob, I wonder if your angst about this man and your wife is part of your own guilt for your sexual past. You talk about your marriage bed being soiled but it seems to me that you soiled it long before your wife ever did. I would suggest that you will find peace in your heart by dealing with your own sin rather than obsessing about another man’s.

    I appreciate your warning to others to avoid your pain. It is true that sexual sin can be so destructive in many ways and it is far better avoided than to try and deal with the consequences. However let me also suggest that God’s forgiveness offered through His Son Jesus Christ is perfect and complete. You do not have to go through life carrying the guilt and shame of past mistakes but can be set free from the weight of those. Jesus promised, “Come to me all of you who are weary and weighed down; I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28) It sounds to me like you are carrying a pretty heavy weight in your heart. Jesus’ death has paid the penalty for that sin and by giving it to Him you will be released from the weight of it. John wrote that “If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all of our unrighteousness.” (1John 1:9) So you can be cleansed of all the hurts you have caused God by your immoral actions and thoughts. And when you have experienced forgiveness for your sin it becomes a natural to forgive others of the way they have hurt you. In fact, one of Jesus’ parables points out that when we refuse to forgive other people it is a sign that we have not received God’s forgiveness of us (Matthew 18:23-25).

    Lord God, I pray for Bob and the weight he carries. I ask that You would help him discover the freedom that You offer through forgiveness in Jesus. Help him to receive Your forgiveness and then offer forgiveness to others. Amen.

  • k-v says:

    Thanks very much for this article…it is the first of its kind ave found since ma searching begun.
    God has taken me through healing for a similar issue; i am in a relationship for 2 yrs now and i had a similar issue in the beginning of ma relationship.
    i donnot have any sexual past but she told me she did and just after she broke-up because she couldn’t stand the guilt and shame that accompanied it. Even though she told me before we started the relationship, I felt realy very hurt in the begining and i had floods of pain occurring frequently(almost monthly) for about 5months…during those moments i will feel cheated and almost felt like ending the relationship…even more i felt very bad that i couldn’t forgive her. But i really did love her, so i prayed to God to heal me and help me see her with the eyes with which He does see her. It wasn’t easy but i am testifying that I NOW DO SEE HER AS SUCH and infact pure as my future wife. And am happy that she ever told me about it.
    May God heal anyone in the same situation. AMEN!!!!

  • Not being able to forgive says:

    Hi there,

    I have really liked reading your article but the pain and the hurt I have in my heart won’t let me forgive. I’m 23 years old and I saved my virginity for my husband. I went through few relationships but never gave up my virginity knowing that it will be for my husband. My fiancé has a long history with woman and has been in several sexual relationships. He says he is not ashamed as it was a learning experience and he hoped he had found better woman becuase the ones he was with really hurt him.
    I have been engaged to him for 9 months and I still feel very frustrated with his past. I always question why he couldn’t have saved himself for me? It’s really bad at times and I feel like leaving him.
    I love him a lot but his past always stands before me and its causing a lot of problems. I’m thinking if I can’t forgive him after 9 months how am I going to forgive him at all?
    I don’t know if I should leave or stay?
    So hurt and confused :(

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Not Being Able To Forgive, I can understand your hurt about something that you have placed high value on but your fiance has a very different point of view. Why was it so important for you to save yourself for your husband?

  • feel.hopeless says:

    Hi, thank you for this great writing, you are a blessing to many people struggling with this issue. I wish many readers come to this page to share their experiences and prayers.
    I have this problem too. I’m married for a couple of years, but after marriage I found about my wife’s promiscuity. She was involved with several men in “touch-and-go” experiences (she had abortion and in other situation she got a STD).
    After I knew all these things I was deeply hurt, she was not sincere to confess the whole truth before. We are both Christians, so I know I must forgive. I told her I wanted to forgive her and I asked her to help me in the process of forgiveness.
    But then later I found her she was searching for her exes, and I was really brokenhearted. She said they meant nothing for her, she was just curious about her past lovers. She promised to stop and I believe she did.
    The problem then and until now is: although the whole mercy and understanding I showed to her and my intention to forgive, she usually is nagging about trivial things (the way I eat, the spices I put in my food, etc.), I asked her several times to let me be myself and have my own tastes, but she keeps criticizing on time to time. When she is a nag, at that moment I remember the big things I have forgiven her, and this makes me really mad: “Oh, I have forgiven you big issues and you can’t excuse my little annoyances? Is this how you appreciate my love, just putting me down? ” Every time this is an issue to argue.
    Is it okay to remind my past mercy towards her in order to ask her mercy today? She said this is wrong because I’m counting sins and God fully has forgiven her and forgotten her sin, and I should do the same. However, in the Bible I found Paul reminding things he did to Philemon 1:19.
    I want to learn to forgive, but it’s so hard to control my mind and feelings at those moments, how I wish all these images from wife’s past are deleted from my mind at once. Any useful suggestion or comments I would appreciate.
    God bless you all.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi feeling hopeless (I did not want to use this name for you because as a follower of Jesus you have a Living Hope and so ‘hopeless’ just does not fit you at all) I really appreciate the struggle you are feeling. It is hurtful to be attacked for such small things when you have been able to forgive such large offenses. But bringing those up can indicate that you have not fully forgiven your wife of what she has done. There is still hurt and mistrust in your heart over these issues and it is finding a way to creep back into your heart through these situations. It would be good for you to talk with Jesus and ask for His help in truly letting these past wrongs be dealt with once and for all.

    There is a difference between your reminding your wife of your past forgiveness and Paul’s. Paul was not asking that Philemon overlook a wrong that Paul had committed but he was using his past actions as leverage for Philemon to forgive Onesimus. There is a lack of selfishness in Paul’s actions.

    Rather than allowing these small things to become big problems in your marriage you and your wife should find ways of working together to find a resolution. Rather than working together against a problem you have allowed the problem to make the two of you opponents. It will take some creativity and a lot of practice but the two of you can come to a place where the problems that you face can be attacked as a team.

    Heavenly Father i pray for this couple and ask that Your unity be evident in their marriage. Guide their conversations so that they work through problems together and avoid becoming opponents trying to win over the other. Help this dear brother to fully forgive his wife even as You have fully forgiven him. Bless their marriage and use them as a model for other couples to follow. Amen.

  • Michelle says:

    Hi,
    Thank you so much for this article. I’ve struggled with this issue for a long time now, and came across it randomly seeking some help with good old googling.
    My boyfriend and I have been together for a while, but he has a very extensive sexual past of lust and sexual sin including sleeping with a prostitute, and it breaks my heart in every way. This all happened about 3 years ago, and since he found Jesus and has become such a strong Christian man, such that if he hadn’t told me any of this I would have never known. I love him and I want to marry him one day…but it feels like his sexual past is impossible to get over. I have been raised a Christian and accepted CHrist for myself a while back and have been waiting for marriage and been rather conservative my whole life. Only kissed one other boy my whole life. I think part of me is just disappointed that I have been waiting for him forever…but he wasn’t waiting for me. but I know I can’t blame him for not knowing Jesus until later. It feels like the process of my emotions catching up to what I KNOW is true about his new life in Christ is never going to happen…I don’t know what to do.

  • Michelle says:

    Sorry, I forgot to say this in my above comment, but I have been having real trouble with the bad images of him and the other girls popping into my head without warning. It is SO annoying. I think I’m fine and then BAM. I just..get stuck. The images and thoughts just seem to invade the good ones. Trying to raise my Ebenezer, and remember those moments that I have realizations about how it will be ok and his old self has died, and he is NEW in Jesus, but…I keep having to do that over and over. Does it ever end? I have been working on fighting them, but they always seem to win. But I am not letting satan ruin this relationship.

  • Auti says:

    I am really, really struggling with this very issue in my life right now. I too acknowledge my own hipocrociy in struggling with “forgiving” my partner as I too have a sexual past that I know was sinful and disobidient. Though cognitively and through the teachings/scriptures I know and believe i must forgive, my “flesh”/”mind”, and emotions can not deal with the large number of men, and the circumstances of those encounters. I find my self counting and recounting, even got to a stage where i would count the number of men she has been with and visual the group and see the 15 men as collective and just get the heaviest feeling of pain at thought all the men who have seen her and experienced her in such an intimate way. i struggle to kiss and touch her at times, when these thoughts arise, and i know my relationship is in jeopardy. she was a wild child/teen, and cheated on her ex several times, and i cant help but feel vunerable and that im settling for a women who has been ravaged by consent. I need your prayers , i need to heal..i need/desparately want to love my partner , but in haunted…..

  • Michael Jantzen Michael Jantzen says:

    Hello Auti,

    Thank you for sharing about your struggle to move past the mental images and emotions related to your partner’s sexual past. From reading your comment, I don’t get the sense that you are sitting in judgment on her. You mentioned your own history of sexual brokenness, so she’s not the only one needing forgiveness. But what I would encourage you to do is see it as just that–brokenness. Instead of focusing on what you have missed out on (i.e. someone with a more pure sexual past), it could really help to focus compassionately on the brokenness of it. She has lost much and experienced pain due to her sexual past, which she can’t erase…I’m sure she also carries the sting of regret and guilt and wishes she could have kept herself pure. You have an opportunity to love her like Christ–seeing past the sin to the beautiful person she is and the amazing future she has. It’s hard to keep track of one’s mind at the best of times, not to mention when we’re tired, stressed or annoyed at our partner. I would encourage you to focus on the great things about your partner each day and hand all of the negative thoughts to Jesus when they occur. The battle over the mind is usually a two steps forward one step back process, but with the power of the Holy Spirit it is something we can win. If you want a confidential mentor to talk things through with, just click on “Talk to a Mentor,” and usually within a few days, someone from our ministry that has experience in the area you are struggling with with contact you via email. Take care!

  • Carolyn says:

    How dare you people sit in judgement of your spouses’ pasts. He who is without sin cast the first stone. All of this pain is just your own battles with feeling low self worth abd and insecurities, youre not worried about their spiritual gealth. In fact, you are detrimental to yiur marriages’ health. Instead of worrying about being the best they’ve ever had, quit torturing them, because that surely isn’t romantic and sexy. Work on strengthening your sexual passions and playfulness!! Make love with intention to express your love, this us not about your egos!!! God bless and heal your minds and hearts!

  • Carolyn says:

    Advice to you you all, every time you get a thought of jealousy popping in your head, as quickly as possible (immediately) say to yourself, Forgive me Lord, I love my spouse, heal me!” Give thanks for the healing, and move on, distract yourself. Repeat as necessary. Never give a 2nd second of thought, get rid fast, as if poison has entered your mind — because it has!!! If you are consistent with this method I’m sharing with you, then you WILL HEAL!!!! Dont, worry about your spouse, God will care for then separately if needed. Worry only about YOU!!!

  • ashley says:

    When you feel like… there’s like demons or something dark and evil hanging over you ever time a trigger reminds you of your spouses past sexual life…how do you deal with it? I love my husband so much and I don’t judge him because I know he’s been made new but we are in the first year of our marriage and since he told me…I feel like Satan just keeps hitting me with it…and I don’t condemn him… I just…ache in my heart knowing such an amazing man now could have done all that. I want to learn how to not hurt so much or let those triggers bother me so bad…any advice would be so welcome.

  • DJ says:

    I want to thank you for this article. I have experienced the lords forgiveness when I first became a Christian.It felt like a miracle happening inside me. Now I am faced with this struggle. I knew God’s answer was there, I just couldn’t put it into perspective and lost a lot of sleep with thoughts of her sexual past. I have to admit i shed a tear when I prayed as i read this the second time.I know in my heart God will allow me to be her ” vessel of forgiveness” and win over those evil thoughts. My question is, do people normally tell their spouse They’ve done this or just keep it between them and God?

  • 39plus says:

    I’m guessing “Carolyn”has quite a number. How dare you “Carolyn” judge us?
    This is one of many consequences of sexual sin. Because of their sexual sin many brides will never know how they could have been loved.
    I have been a faithful and loving husband for over 39 years yet I am still troubled. Evidenced by my searching for help here.
    Husbands you are in for a long difficult life. It doesn’t get much easier.
    Women stop making excuses for yourself and teach the younger girls. God gave you a hymen and commands for good reason. Do not try to circumvent God’s laws to make yourself feel better.
    God forgives and forgets but men are far from being God.
    Bless you all.

  • Michael Jantzen Michael Jantzen says:

    39 Plus,

    I’m glad that you have come here to seek help. You seem to have had difficulties in marriage for quite some time due to this issue, and I sincerely hope that you are able to find resolution.

    However, the way you have commented is not ‘helpful’ to others who will read this blog. You appear to be blaming females for this issue and your words express impatience, not grace (even though you end with a “bless you all.” Which comes off as perfunctory, not sincere.

    The most troubling thing you said was, “Because of their sexual sin many brides will never know how they could have been loved.”

    When I read stories in the Bible where Jesus extends grace and acceptance to prostitutes and other broken people, I would think that the Christian response of a husband would be this: “You WILL KNOW how much you deserve to be loved because you are precious to God and to me. God calls you a new creation, and I agree with Him and chose to see you that way.”

    Having this perspective might be a daily battle of the mind, but it’s a battle she needs you to fight.

    It’s ok to process your frustration, but please do so in a way that is compassionate.

    Take care

  • Anna says:

    39plus…just saying, don’t go bashing women? Sometimes the woman, the wife is the one broken over her husbands sexual past. It doesn’t matter the gender..its specific to everyone’s particular situation. It is so painful to find out you spent so much time waiting and praying for someone who didn’t wait for you. Women can’t juts forget either. Its a struggle for all of us. But, we need to try and focus on who they are NOW. I would hope that people didn’t bash Paul for forever about who he used to be (someone who enjoyed planning the murder of Christians.) If they did…they would have never been able to see the good work God did in him. Which is what I’m trying to see in my husband.
    Blessings and prayers to you, as you continue on this hard journey.

  • Kate Kate says:

    Hi everyone,

    Anna, great example about Paul.

    There is a song about how we are all sinners and it mentions “if it’s not one thing, it’s another.” In other words, if we don’t have this kind of sexual sin our past/life, we certainly have another. I think we forget that sin is sin and start to rank sins or think that our sin is not so bad as someone else’s. This is, of course, false. I am not saying all behavior is equally bad, because I am not talking about morality, but about sin — which is all equally offensive to God and for all of which Christ died.

    Since we are new in Christ, born again, daily dying to self, then – as the article makes clear – we are required to forgive others, since forgiveness is the extraordinary gift we have received. It is not easy, but the way of the cross was never said to be easy, just GLORIOUS!

    Kate

  • Trying to forgive says:

    I have been married for 16 years and have found out recently that for 14 years of the marriage my husband satisfied himself only with internet porn leaving me aside. We both are Christians and we both separeted ourselves only for marriage. But I was never enough for him. I keep saying to myself that I have forgiven him, and he has agreed to go to a counselour, but then when things start off on a good path, I keep getting images that I wasn´t enough for him. I keep thinking of the stuff he watched. It just pours in my head and I get so angry with him. I know that I need to put a rock on his past to start my healing process, but the images come back so deeply and they hurt so much. How do in the world am I supposed to find sexual relief in him knowing he nelgected me for so long?

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Hi Trying for Forgive, It sounds like you’re on the right path. I am glad to hear that your husband has agreed to counselling. Are you seeing a counsellor also? You’ve got some pretty intense emotions to work through – betrayal and broken trust, grief, anger, doubt, questions about your worth – that’s a lot to carry on your own. Seeing a counsellor could be a really healthy option. You’ve been hurt, and that hurt goes deep. It’s going to take a while for both of you to work through it and fully come back together in partnership. Don’t expect your heart to recover overnight. This is going to take some time.

    There’s an excellent article by Lynnette Hoy that talks about forgiveness and consequences. She writes about how sometimes as Christians we have this false idea that if I forgive someone I have to pretend that the bad thing never happened. But that’s not what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is a willingness to stop punishing the other person for what they did. As part of that healthy healing process there may be consequences. Forgiveness doesn’t turn back the clock, rather it’s a willingness to work together to build a new future. If you broke my trust, and I forgive you then it means I’m willing to try and rebuild that trust, I’m willing to give you a second chance. It doesn’t mean that I start right on day one trusting you as if you never broke my heart.

    In your marriage trust has been broken. It can be fixed, but it takes time. This is where the counsellor can really help. I often tell people that broken trust is a bit like a broken arm. When you break your arm you have to take special measures to protect it. You put a cast on it and you’re very careful around it for a while. In time, the cast comes off and you can start to use the arm again, slowly as you build up strength and in time the arm is whole again. Right now your sex life has suffered a major blow. You may not be able to have sex with your husband right now, and that’s ok. What you can work toward is rebuilding that relationship. Barbara Wilson has an article that might help. Make sure your husband knows that you are not completely freezing him out, but you need to reset your relationship and build back up to being intimate with him.

    It probably won’t happen overnight, but if you’re both committed to doing the work then there is a lot of hope for your marriage. Don’t deny your feelings – you need to process them in order to move beyond them. If you try to just tamp them down or ignore them they will only fester. A counsellor can help you find a healthy way to express and process these complicated feelings in a dialogue that brings you back into a close relationship with your husband.

  • Struggling says:

    My wife recently confessed to having been promiscuous during college. Which kind of came as a surprise to me because of how far God has brought her out of it. One would not suspect her of that behavior.
    Although this was years ago and before I even met her, I’m struggling to forgive her past.
    What makes matters worse is that she has forgiven my past. And I wasn’t pure myself. I feel like a hypocrite.
    I can’t seem to shake images place in my mind about what she did. I can’t hold those thoughts captive. I’m realizing that what’s bothering me the most, based on some of the details she was willing to share; are the sheer number of individuals she slept with, her lack of a relationship or attachment to them, and how she and her counterparts seemingly used each other.
    I’m not liking the fact that that many guys have had my wife’s body. She even claims to not have enjoyed any of it. She says hat they got her body and nothing else. She seemed to have been trying to find herself.
    She’s having trouble with rehashing her past and she needs me to help her heal. God has truly delivered her and she’s been redeemed. I just need to be supportive.

    Thank you!

  • Heartbroken says:

    I met my husband online and early on in the relationship he told me that he had been with a woman once. Only going to her house once, that he went to school with her, that he had not done certain sexual sins with her etc etc…
    A few months after we married I read online( his Facebook) and found out these issues were all false ( by his confessions to other women of his sins or conquers, it depended on whom he told to how he presented the SINS) I confronted him and he denied them. Then he told me only stories on how it had happened. I believed him and was trying to forgive and forget but I knew something was wrong….
    Last week he confessed to me that the stories were all false ( essentially he’d been lying to me to make himself look good). I’m at my wits end. He’s keeping more to himself….I’ve found more evidence of other women that he’s done things with….I’ve prayed to God to help me forgive him but I’m at my wits end. I’ve entered intense depression and now he’s getting frustrated that I’m not healing very fast!! It’s only been 5 days!!!
    I’m terrified he will return to his old “flirtatious” ways even though I know he’s a Christian.
    -Heartbroken girl

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Hi Heartbroken, It sounds like you’re in a complicated situation. It’s really difficult when the person you’re sharing your life with is not honest with you. Have you had a chance to talk to your pastor or seek counselling? It sounds like you’re dealing with issues of honesty and trust and those are central to a healthy marriage relationship. You can work through this and get stronger but you’re probably going to need some help, and that’s okay. There’s a great article by Lynette Hoy about forgiveness that I’d suggest starting with. You can find it here. It sounds like perhaps your husband is not taking this situation as seriously as you are. Does he feel that his past behaviour doesn’t matter because it happened before you were married? Does he understand that it’s the lying and dishonesty that’s the bigger issue (and perhaps the fear that he might not be faithful now if you do not act a certain way?) Remember that his fidelity does not hinge on whether or not you “get over this fast enough”. His fidelity is his choice and his action and his consequence, don’t let him make you feel like it’s your fault. You don’t control his actions, he does. If you’d like to talk to someone about this privately, we have email mentors available and they can really help. You can use this form to contact a mentor (it’s a free and private service.)

  • Heartbroken says:

    Thank you, Claire for your advice.
    Yes, I believe that he has convinced himself that it doesn’t matter because it was on the past…..but this woman was 2 1/2 years ago and I recently found out that he went out with a woman about a year ago and was VERY tpuchy feely with her! Although he tells me that they only touched each other I still don’t believe him…I’m at my wits end! Now he’s playing the martyr like it’s partly my fault because he had to leave work, a week ago, ( and got into trouble) because he told me via texting that he’d touched her….
    He is not trustworthy and I dont know what to do anymore. I believe in marriage until death do us part but it’s getting VERY stressful. He’s bitter towards me for his problems at work but every time I ask if he’s ok he brushes me off ( clearly to avoid confrontation, which he hates).
    I’m trying to be more loving etc and forget about all this but is it only a matter of time before he does it again?? Has he already??? When we go anywhere I notice him watching pretty girls that are dressed for attention. I asked him why he was and told him I noticed him doing it. He said that he was thinking how silly she looked etc. I said nicely that didn’t believe him becaus I saw the way he was looking at her ( his eyes followed her around the room) then he said ” I can’t be perfect all the time” he says that a lot!! I can’t be mr perfect all the time…..
    Please help me?! I suggested to him again to get our pastors help but he refuses…

  • Barbara Alpert Barbara Alpert says:

    Hi Heartbroken, sorry to read about the struggle you are in at this time with your husband. You stated, “I suggested to him again to get our pastors help but he refuses…” Would he be willing to seek pastoral counseling if the two of you went together? Perhaps he would be open to this idea. If not, you may greatly benefit in seeking help from your pastor for your own wellbeing at this point and perhaps then your husband will fallow. Also, don’t forget about what Claire had mentioned about private, online mentors being available.

  • Heartbroken says:

    Thank you for your advice, Barbara. To answer your questions… I have always suggested that we both go but even that doesn’t make him want to go.
    I’m in a quandary to if I should ask help from our pastor because my husband says not to and I want to submit to him ( as the Bible says I should) but if I’m doing what’s best would it be unsubmissive?? I think it’s best to get help from our pastor but I think my husband would be too embarrassed to tell his past sins. Plus he might still be telling lies or omitting things which he feels he’d have to tell our pastor.
    I do have a mentor but I also am posting my story on this page to get further input hopefully from people with past experiences in this area.
    Also an update…we again discussed his “watching that particular woman” and he admitted that he WAS thinking sinful thoughts but when I asked why he’d lied and what the thoughts were he started pointing out my errors ( going completely off topic) and ignored my questions.
    I’m completely at my wits end because every time I think he’s told me the truth he ALWAYS is proven wrong on this topic particularly.
    Any input? I’m praying more than ever for our marriage but it seems as soon as things are going well it’s found out he’s lied to me once again…. I’m scared to move on knowing I’m in for another shock soon. It’s happened sooo many times…. I’m losing my faith in him completely, but I love him with all my heart. Every time it even slightly comes up though he gets exasperated at me. He won’t discuss it unless I’m crying and broken. Then he’ll just lie to get the ill feelings to go away.
    Help? Anyone? …And thanks for listening.

  • Michael Jantzen M. Jantzen says:

    Hello Heartbroken,

    It’s great that you’ve been interacting with a Mentor and with Barbara. I just wanted to jump in with a bit of a man’s perspective. A large percentage of men face a daily battle of the mind, heart and eyes to stay sexually pure. From reading your story, it seems that your husband, out of some insecurity or habitual sin, has allowed his heart to become divided and overcome routinely by lust. And at times, it seems that this leads him to flirt in person or tell falacous stories for the excitement of it. And I understand that you cannot trust him anymore and that that is killing you inside. It seems that he’s been fighting these demons for years and has given up hoping for true freedom. But you need him to fight, and to do so through broken transparency before God and with other men. But you’ve already tried to initiate a meeting with a pastor and he is against that. In truth, it takes a pastor oozing with grace and demonstrating his own transparency about shortcomings, for men to open up and trust religious leaders. I’m not sure if your pastor demonstrates that. Obviously, I don’t know him, but it’s a rarity.

    Would your husband be open to connecting with one of our mentors? It’s confidential so he might feel free to be completely honest. That could be a starting point. But eventually, in-person accountability is key. Perhaps there is a ministry to men in your area that is saturated with grace. I was part of such a ministry. The presence of the Lord was so apparent as us men regularly spilled our guts to each other and learned how to walk in freedom, purity and joy and fight for our families. You could research and begin to pray for him to find this kind of ministry.

    But if he’s unwilling at this time, it may be a season to endure the pain and keep praying. (I know this isn’t really what you would want to hear. You’d rather have this fixed right now cause it’s already been so long). It’s just that the power of sin is secrecy and having a heart that deceives itself. Until he comes to the end of his rope and is so desperate that he’s willing to kill his pride and stare his heart straight in the face, then there will be no lasting change. You can’t fix this. God can. But his pride must fall before the Holy Spirit can really begin a good work. He must begin to have the heart of Kind David, as expressed in Psalm 51. God renewed a right spirit in David after the adultury because he was totally broken.

    Pray for God to break your husband’s pride. True repentance is not just wanting the feelings of guilt or conflict with others to go away. That’s self-deception. True repentance is listening face to face to the person we’ve hurt and hating that we’ve hurt them and hating that we’ve sinned against God too. True repentance is demonstrated by action–taking practical steps to protect oneself and one’s family from sin. For example, early in our marriage, I asked my wife to have the code (not me) for our cable TV, so that if we watch anything of a higher rating, it is a choice we make together. This makes her feel safer and protects me in an area I know I have been weak in. The next time you have a hard talk about him stumbling, you could try suggesting a protective software program or some time restraints on his computer use (if porn or chatting on line is the issue). If you do so with a gracious, wanting to help, attitude, he may be open. But if he refuses, then his repentance has not reached the point of true desperation to change.

    It seems that you at times question him out loud about his eyes and what they are up to when out in public. You feel hurt in that moment, I’m sure, and you do have a right to ask him about it. But, it’s probably not helpful because it makes him feel policed about something he already feels quite defeated about. And you can’t fix his eyes. The eyes follow the heart and when God does surgery on his heart, his eyes will find freedom.

    I hope this has helped to understand things from a guy’s perspective. I will be praying for you.

  • Jake says:

    Dear whoever,

    I’ve been really struggling with all the consequences that have come from the past sexual sins of my girlfriend. In the past couple weeks though I’ve been digging into scripture deeper than I ever have about anything. Through this, God has been revealing so much to me and I’ve been experiencing a new strength that was never there before. This Friday she will be sharing her whole story with me from top to bottom, as we see the importance of knowing each other inside and out. I’ve been praying and preparing my heart in every way I can for this, and I would just like to ask whoever reads this comment to pray for us too. God’s heart for his bride is the type of heart I’m praying for mine.

    Thank you for your time and prayers. Blessings :)

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    I will be praying for you Jake. Let me do that now: Heavenly Father, I thank You for creating us to have relationships, to discover love and oneness. Even though so often we try to satisfy that craving by pursuing pleasure that misses the perfect way You intended us to, still You are able to bring healing and newness to the mess we make of our lives.

    I pray for Jake and his girlfriend as they work through some of the brokeness of their past. I pray that they would make You the central player of their healing. I pray that they would look to Your Spirit to mediate the communication between them. I pray that You would help them to respond to each other in ways that reflect Your perfect character and love and that they would experience the newness of life that You bring. Amen.

  • B. Miller B. Miller says:

    Hi Jake,

    I am so very thankful that you wrote in and asked for prayer. It is wonderful that you are also seeking the Lord and searching His Word of Truth, as well as asking to have a heart like His. There is no greater gift that we can give to one another, Jake, as partners in a relationship, than to love one another as our Lord loves us, with that unconditional agape love and acceptance that does not judge, but receives each other as we desire to be received and accepted and loved. I truly do not believe this is possible without the grace and strength of Christ Jesus our Lord, and so I also pray for you:

    Lord God, I thank You for Jake, and that he is seeking You with all of his heart. Please fill him with the fullness of Your Holy Spirit and the intimate knowledge of You that comes with Your indwelling Presence. Thank You, O Father God, that Jake desires to love his girlfriend in the way that You want him to love her, and that he desires to accept her and not judge her, just as You ask us to love and forgive one another, and not to judge, for You alone are our Judge, O Lord Jesus Christ. Thank You, Sweet Jesus, for granting Jake such a giving, loving spirit, and may the encounter that he had with his girlfriend be one that was filled with Your grace and manifold blessings. May Jake and his girlfriend always have the ability and the will in You, Christ Jesus, to speak the truth to one another in and with love. I pray these things in Your holy and precious Name, Christ Jesus. Amen.

    Jake, we would love to hear back from you any time you would like to write and receive support and/or prayer. Please know that we continue to pray for you and your girlfriend.

  • Heartbroken says:

    It’s me again…..Thank you, M. Jantzen for your advice. I agree with all you have to say. To answer your questions, I asked him a few weeks ago and he is not willing to talk to a mentor. I even suggested we watch some Christian marriage counselling videos or get a book but he said ” no! I’m the head of the family and I decide when and if we need it!” I begged him until I made myself throw up saying that even if he didn’t need counselling that I did. He still won’t get any help. He thinks since everything is ok at the moment that there are no problems under the surface…but he’s just ignoring the issues. Recently I did find that he’d looked at ” naughty” pictures on his PC when we were having a small argument. He uses any excuse to look at women. I’m know that he looks at more “pictures etc” on his phone when I’m not around. We need counselling and soon or I might give up completely. I love him and pray fir him but I feel we need counselling before something even worse happens…worst case scenario, adultery. Please continue to pray for us. I’m praying for you, Jake. I know it’s hard. ANY AND ALL ADVICE WOULD BE APPRECIATED. Thanks for listening.
    -Heartbroken

  • Michael Jantzen Michael Jantzen says:

    Hello Heartbroken,

    As I read your comment, I was reminded of verses I read this morning. I feel like your heart could benefit from entering into the lament and honest desperation it expresses. I would encourage you to continue crying out to God to give you strength and to do a miracle in your marriage and then to run to the arms of Jesus, proclaiming that his love is enough for you. That being beautiful and precious in his eyes is the most important thing in the world.

    “I sink in deep mire where there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters and the flood sweeps over me. I am weary with my crying out: my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God.” (Psalm 69:2-3)

    “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)

    Heartbroken, I do believe wives are to honour and respect their husbands, but Jesus is your Lord (He’s got the ultimate authority over your life). Obeying Jesus should then be your first priority, and he knows what’s best for your husband and your marriage. Press into him, let him minister to your heart and trust his leading.

    Please continue to interact on these articles, as we want to continue to encourage and build up your faith in this very difficult time. That’s a big reason are ministry even exists. Take care!

  • Tori says:

    My name is tori I’m 22 and I’ve been with the same person since I was 16. I was a virgin and I knew he wasn’t after we had started dating… I had a very very hard time while we dated… I brought it up, cried a lot. I was so hurt. We got married when I was 18. And somehow I forgot about it? It could be brought up and I didn’t think twice about it. I was okay. The past 3 weeks it’s all I think about…. I went such a long time NEVER CROSSING MY MIND. I was so happy. And then all of a sudden…….. It got on my head and will not go away. It’s driving me crazy. I feel like I am crazy. I’m depressed, angry… Sad hurt. So many emotions. I can’t control it. I don’t talk to him about it because I have before. And it’s not a problem with him, it’s within myself. I feel so sick to my stomach. I can’t figure out why I can’t just get over it. I feel like this feeling is never gonna go away. I’ve prayed, I’ve talked to people. I feel like I’m not pretty anymore or something. He never makes me feel unworthy and he always expresses his love towards me… And i can’t get over his sexual past. What do I do? I think of it continuously. At work. When I wake up. When I’m with him. I know it’s wrong . I’m a Christian. That’s what makes me even sicker. I know my feelings are wrong. It just hurts to think of the images that are being thrown in my head. Is it satan? Is it just my imagination? I’m sorry for this ridiculous message.

  • Carolyn says:

    I wanted to apologize to anyone I may have offended on my two posts, dated on August 5 at 7:23 p.m. I know I sounded very harsh in the way I expressed myself about letting go of the judgement you inflict on your spouses’ with sexual histories. Even “39plus” thought I was on the other side and being defensive of my own sexual history. But the truth of the matter is that I actually was the one tortured by my husband’s history, and I felt so strongly enlightened by the Holy Spirit. Too bad I was not able to carry across the love that the Spirit had originally given to me, as well as I should have. However, my message remains the same. I gave the suffering spouses the ANSWER – the method to healing. I still stand by my position, and reissue it with much love and passion. I will summarize it again for you, but feel free to scroll back to the two original comments I left on August 5th. Are you ready? Are you ready to stop hurting? Are you ready to start Growing?

    Many of you continue to seek answers to a problem that is not related to your spouse anymore, but to your own minds and hearts. Wait, stop, don’t stop reading. What if I was to tell you that if you “let go” of your spouse’s problem and address your own — that God will deal with your spouse separately? This applies to you marriage, even if there are current issues, not just issues with the sinful past.

    We all seeming to forget the spiritual approach of “letting go and letting God.” How do “let go” when it seems so impossible? Keep reading, I will give you the applicable process for your minds and hearts. But first, there are some things that you must understand. You may want to claim that your spouse’s sinful history is burdening your marriage with consequences, but this is a lie straight out of Satan’s mouth. In fact, the anguish you are feeling is more about a fear that you have no control. This thing that you hold over your spouse’s head is a way to feel like you have control over their actions. Believe me when I tell you that this is moving your marriage in a destructive direction. This is not God’s LOVE that you are dishing out to your spouse. This is the exact opposite of it, and it is purely driven by FEAR.
    Now, if this torture is coming straight from the Enemy, then you are still accountable for allowing the attack to penetrate your mind. Allow me to use this analogy. You are feeling anxious, empty, hungry, and the Enemy spoon-feeds you the lie. As soon as you taste it in your mouth, you must spit it out. You are accountable at this moment for not spitting it out. Don’t CHEW on it!!! If you chew on it, it will just go down your throat so easily. In other words, when the thought pops in your mind, do whatever you must do to distract yourself. Change the channel! Go start singing your favorite praise song. Go read something inspirational. Have a list of wonderful qualities your spouse has, and go down the list and thank God. (This last one is my favorite!)

    Remember, I have been there. When Satan would bite me like a rattlesnake, I would end up getting so sick. I literally started getting physically ill with anxiety and depression, and it manifested with hair loss and headaches. It created a bigger division in my marriage, because my husband was so drained and resentful. This attitude he had just perpetuated the problem. But wait, stop! I just mentioned the blame my husband should be accountable for. But this is only to demonstrate to you the way this problem is one GIANT WHEEL of perpetuation. You are the one deemed by the Lord to get the wheel moving back in the opposite direction. You are the one who doesn’t care about what your spouse is doing, thinking, now or in the present. You are so focused on doing everything you can in your power to get the wheel moving in the direction of overall healing of your marriage, because you and your spouse are “ONE.”
    Now that you are working on mastering the control of putting a stop sign to the bad thoughts, there is a very crucial second half to all of this. You will walk around praising God for what you have in the present and for what will come in the future. “Thank you Lord for our healing, thank you for this beautiful molding of our marital Clay! I let go!”
    Let’s say your spouse has a nasty habit of responding to you with a short, rude tone of voice, ok? Then you will walk around saying, “Lord, thank you for giving my a wife that talks to me with love in her voice!” Even though your wife is not there yet, you thank God for it. Be consistent! Don’t waiver. It may take 24 hours, or it may take a year or two! A lifetime with a person is certainly worth this investment.
    How can I summarize this best? No matter what issues you have in marriage, family, parenting, work, friends, money, health — you need to hold in your heart and in your head the version that GOD intends for us. When you feel discouraged, change your emotions. Your feelings and emotions are the BOTTOM LINE. Those are proof to our Lord and Savior that we have absolute faith in the power of His Healing. No, we are human and can’t always be in that “place of spiritual certainty aka joy and peace” but we can control of how long we remain in the darkness. We can pull outselves out ASAP or linger there for hours or days or weeks. We are vessels of God’s LOVE which is the only thing that has tremendous power to TRANSFORM and heal. Hang on to that.

  • Heartbroken says:

    Tori, that describes how I feel a lot of the time…I go thru periods of time when I don’t even think of his past then someone mentions the city she lives in or something that reminds me of her then it comes back…feeling sick to my stomach, the intense feeling of dread, think I’m going crazy, wanting to tell someone but I cant…sometimes its so unbearable I have considered leaving him! Every time he leaves the house I think he might be seeing her or someone else… I’m trying to trust God and leave my husband to Him but I’m in another rut…
    I agree that partly it is a problem within ourselves and not completely forgiving them but it is such a HUGE thing to forgive and Satan uses it to weaken our marriages…
    Would you mind messaging me privately, Tori? I think we might benefit from it? If you feel uncomfortable I understand. I will keep you in my prayers.

  • Heartbroken says:

    oh I forgot to say, thanks again, Michael. Those verses have been a comfort. I will read them daily.
    My favourite verse is:
    I can do all things thru Christ who gives me strength. Phil 4:13
    I (and we, Tori, Jake etc) can get thru this but ONLY with Gods help.

  • Tori says:

    Heartbroken sure I can private message you! I don’t mind at all, just tell me how do to do? And I’ve been thinking today about what I and we are going through and it is painful, but I don’t think it’s something you can’t overcome. Me just writing and seeing your reply has made me feel a lot better today!! So thank you for replying. I think it helps a lot being able to talk to someone that is feeling the same emotions. Those that don’t feel them may not necessarily be able to relate. At work who his where I also replied, while I was on break that is. I got to thinking about some of the replies and just the message on this page anyway. Forgiveness isn’t a feeling, it’s not an emotion, it’s a choice. Going FACT and not feeling can help. I have to remind myself a lot of this stuff. I personally feel in my situation that my husband didn’t look at sex as he does now. He was young, hormones raging. Now with me, it’s different. And I’m sure with the person someone loves. Having sex with someone is physically all you can give, but what makes it even special is knowing that they didn’t just give themselves to you physically, but emotionally.. Their heart. I sometimes get so frustrated I look past what I know is real. I’m a Christian. No son is greater. And to be honest it makes me feel even more like a jewel knowing that I did wait for him. I know walking away from my marriage isn’t the answer. I don’t believe in divorce and I truly believe that your intimacy is meant with 1 person. I don’t want to be sexually involved with anyone else. Knowing that when he looks at me, I’m not just some girl he was intimate with but the one he loves with all his heart. It’s hard not thinking about the images over and over again. And it’s something I really am trying to get out of. I start singing or I think of him and I on a beach or fishing. With lots of prayer I, you, we will get through it. But like you said ONLY through The Lord Himself. I’ll be praying for you all. :)

  • Tori says:

    No sin I’m sorry!!

  • Tori says:

    Carolyn- I just saw your comment. I LOVED it. It gave me so much peace….. I know SATAN uses the past as a tool, and he is good. And sometimes, the anger, hurt, and pain you just don’t want to give up because you feel it’s your right. No. It’s not. Life is beautiful. And if I continue to look at someone’s past that has absolutely nothing to do with me, I’m taking it for granted. Not today. I could’ve married a man who beat on me, was messing around on me, didn’t care. No, I married a very good man who treats me like a princess and doesn’t even ever think of the girls from his past. I need to stop looking at what I didn’t get and look at what I do get! And have. Love is the most precious gift we can give, do not let satan destroy it in your marriages or relationships. You may never get the same love. Why chance it? Don’t.

  • Tori says:

    Heartbroken sure I can private message you! I don’t mind at all, just tell me how do to do? And I’ve been thinking today about what I and we are going through and it is painful, but I don’t think it’s something you can’t overcome. Me just writing and seeing your reply has made me feel a lot better today!! So thank you for replying. I think it helps a lot being able to talk to someone that is feeling the same emotions. Those that don’t feel them may not necessarily be able to relate. At work who his where I also replied, while I was on break that is. I got to thinking about some of the replies and just the message on this page anyway. Forgiveness isn’t a feeling, it’s not an emotion, it’s a choice. Going FACT and not feeling can help. I have to remind myself a lot of this stuff. I personally feel in my situation that my husband didn’t look at sex as he does now. He was young, hormones raging. Now with me, it’s different. And I’m sure with the person someone loves. Having sex with someone is physically all you can give, but what makes it even special is knowing that they didn’t just give themselves to you physically, but emotionally.. Their heart. I sometimes get so frustrated I look past what I know is real. I’m a Christian. No sin is greater. And to be honest it makes me feel even more like a jewel knowing that I did wait for him. I know walking away from my marriage isn’t the answer. I don’t believe in divorce and I truly believe that your intimacy is meant with 1 person. I don’t want to be sexually involved with anyone else. Knowing that when he looks at me, I’m not just some girl he was intimate with but the one he loves with all his heart. It’s hard not thinking about the images over and over again. And it’s something I really am trying to get out of. I start singing or I think of him and I on a beach or fishing. With lots of prayer I, you, we will get through it. But like you said ONLY through The Lord Himself. I’ll be praying for you all. :)

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