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I recently heard from a man struggling with the sexual past of a new love in his life. As a widower, his only sexual partner had been his wife. But his new friend had many, including a couple husbands and several boyfriends. According to him everything about her was perfect except this one thing. He wanted to move the relationship forward, but didn’t know how he could live tormented by the images of her with other men. “My own problem,” he said “which breaks my heart because I genuinely like her and care for her, is that unless I can get past this aspect of her life, we are destined to remain ‘just friends’.”
Before you start judging him for his unforgiving attitude, let me tell you that he’s not alone. I hear frequently from men and women whose sexual pasts don’t mirror their partner’s and they are filled with pain not only for them, but because of the mental images of them with another. And they ask the same question. “I want to forgive, I want to forget, but how? I don’t know how. Please help me forgive.”
Forgiveness is not our gift to offer
I understand how difficult it is to work through the sexual past of someone we love. I can assure you that when your partner has a more extensive sexual history than you do, he or she feels the weight of this guilt and shame even more than you do. Men and women in this position often struggle with feelings of unworthiness as well.
Forgiveness is not our gift to offer. It’s God’s gift to us and through us. If you’ve been a Christian for a while, then you already know all the verses on forgiveness, and Jesus’ command that we forgive each other. In other words, you know you should, but knowing it and doing it are two very different things.
I believe forgiveness is so hard because we’re really not capable of it, at least, not on our own. In fact, the only reason we can forgive is because God first forgives us. In Isaiah 43:25 He says, “I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.” This is really amazing when you think of it. The one the bible says we actually sin against, the only one who has the right to hold our sins against us says He blots them out, eliminates them, and then going a step further says, He forgets them forever. You can choose not to forgive your friend, but in reality he or she didn’t sin against you, but rather against God. God has chosen to forgive them and forget their sins. So it leaves you with no other choice.
On your own, you can’t forgive, but through you, God can and does. Every day we choose to forgive, God uses us to be His forgiveness to others on earth. Married couples have the privilege of being the one God uses to offer love and forgiveness to each other every day for the rest of their lives. So how can you forgive and be God’s vessel of forgiveness to this one He’s brought into your life?
Here are six steps in the forgiveness process
- Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. We make the choice to forgive and trust God with the feelings. Whenever those thoughts come, simply say (out loud if that helps), Lord I choose to forgive_____ for _____. I’ll trust you with the feelings of forgiveness.God is faithful, before long, you’ll find the thoughts don’t come as often, and your feelings will be grace-filled and no longer painful. Eventually, you’ll find you’re not having those images of her with others so much, and even if you do, it won’t be associated with the same emotions as before.
- God is really serious about forgiveness. In fact He says that if we want forgiveness from Him for our sins, we must forgive others their sins. Scary, right? The Lord’s Prayer in Matthew 6 links receiving and offering forgiveness together: “Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” Then just two verses down Jesus says, “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” In other words, when we come to God for forgiveness, He’ll say, “First things first…forgive __________ for _________, and then I will forgive you.”
- Ask God to help you see your friend as He does. I can assure you that God does not see her as a sinner. If she’s accepted Jesus as her Savior, than all God sees is someone righteous, holy, without blame or stain. The bible says God clothes us in righteousness because of Jesus. When He looks at us, He doesn’t see us as we see ourselves, sinful, dirty, and stained. He sees what Jesus’ blood has done for us…made us righteous and pure, acceptable to Him. If you can’t see her that way, ask God to give you His eyes to see here this way.
- God is more concerned about what’s going on now with your friend than what happened in the past. Is she in a growing, loving relationship with Jesus now? Is she walking with God in obedience in her life now? God cares about where her heart is now, He’s already forgotten the past.
- Healing is different than forgiveness. Although God forgives us for past sin, when it comes to sexual sin we still need healing. We still live with the pain, shame and wounds of the past that God wants to heal so that we can be free. I would encourage your friend to find healing for her past and to break the sexual bonds she created with past husbands and boyfriends, not only for herself, but for every present and future relationship she has.
God will help you forgive her because He’s already forgiven her. Unconditional love and forgiveness are the very definition of who God is. It’s something He’s asked us to do for each other. Now it’s your CHOICE. You just need to say “Yes, God I’ll forgive,” and let God take care of the rest. I know it sounds too simple. “There’s got to be something more,” you may protest. But that’s the best part of trusting God. He does make it simple. His power is real. It’s us who try to complicate things by doing it our own way.
We can’t forgive in our own strength. It truly is a supernatural, divine action that requires God’s strength in and through us. That’s why choosing to forgive is the first step, because then God can take over and make it real in our lives. Before long you will discover for yourself that your negative feelings are gone, that you have grace today where yesterday you had anger and resentment. That’s not to say that something won’t happen that will bring it up again, but that’s when you pick up your weapon again and say, “Lord I choose to forgive___ for ___. “
Remember this is a process and it takes time for the emotions to catch up with the decision. When Jesus talked about forgiving seventy-times-seven I think this is what He meant. Every time that old emotion of anger/un-forgiveness crops up, we just forgive again. This way we don’t actually dwell on the un-forgiveness or negative emotion, rather we focus on the forgiveness part instead. That will lead to freedom for you and in your relationship. In the beginning it may need to happen daily or multiple times a day, but will eventually take hold and be permanent.
I promise, you can trust Him with this. Once you choose to forgive and say the words, God will take over and pour His forgiveness through you to her. It’s really that simple. Forgiveness is not our gift to offer. It’s God’s gift to us and through us.
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I have been dealing with this myself for quite sometime. I was raised Christian and as a youth turned away from god. In the last year I rediscovered who I really am and began my journey with god again. I have struggled to forgive my wife of her sexualsin. This is one the best writings I have found on the subject and.plan to read it often to remind me of how god has forgiven my sin and how badly I need to forgive my wife. Thanks for this wonderfully writing.
I cant access my previous email and am leaving this message with one i can access. Any more tips, advice, or other peoples experiences with this would be muchly appreciated! Thanks and god bless!
Cody,
I’m so glad that you were encouraged by this article. It’s so important for all of us to remember that we have been forgiven much ourselves and so we need to forgive others as well. You mentioned that you can’t access your previous email so you reposted with one that you could. We do have a wonderful team of online mentors that would love to walk alongside of you on your journey and pray for you. if you are interested in having one email you, just fill in the form on this page and someone will be in touch. http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
I deal with this same issue. My wife was very sexual in high school and college its been a long time ago but I feel really left out. For me its not so much about forgiveness as it is jealousy. I dont like the thoughts of her being with another man. I have been with a lot of other women and she is the best lover I have ever had I just worry she cant say the same thing. she tells me that i am but I dont believe her. What should I do with this?
@Sad when I read your response it seems like you have an issue with self confidence from man other sexual relationships you have been involved in. The biggest problem with sexual relationships is that it never satisfies but leaves you feeling empty. Most people don’t equate spirituality with sexuality however when a person decides to fully surrender to Christ then we achieve a self confidence which only comes from surrendering to Christ. I think most woman would agree that a man who is extremely self confident is one of the things they are attracted too.
If you wish to remove the sadness in your heart allow God first to love you, secondly understand that God created you to be a part of his family which is the church, and he created you to serve others. Don’t grade yourself on your performance in the bedroom but when you surrender to Christ and serve others your life will change. It is important that you ask Christ to forgive you of the past which he does do and look forward not if your good enough. God Bless
Thank you so much for this article. I am learning to forgive my boyfriend who has a sexual past and I don’t. I’ve waited so long to give myself to my husband in marriage and it is hard for me to accept that my boyfriend did not wait. We are talking through things right now and I am working on processing, healing and forgiving. We are certain that God has called us together for marriage but like you said, sometimes it takes a while for our emotions to catch up to our spirits! Prayers are appreciated!
Hi there. Let us take this to our Father-Lord God-Daddy. We come to you today to help my sister and her realtionship to be as You want it to be with them together as one in You. I pray that you bring them together, but that they will both seek You in the preocess of a healthy relationship. In jesus Mightyname amen
Thank You all, for the article and comments. I too am struggling so much so that I get very depressed and my marriage is suffering so. I was with many women before my marriage as I could never find a virgin to marry, so I used all the others as I did not respect them. The one virgin I did find left me for someone because I was respecting her, and she did not want that. I married later in life, in my mid 40′s to a woman whom I thought was the purest, however I knew that she had given her virginity to her previous lover whom she thought she was to marry. She later left him as she realized he was not for her after all. My issue has been that knowing her to be a devout Catholic, I could not understand why she would give in to someone that was not of the same faith. And more shocking was that he was divorced with children, she was much younger and I believe he deliberately took advantage of her innocence and purity. I carry such hatred toward him as our marriage still suffers after 8 years as I cannot rid my mind or thoughts of her being used by him. There is nothing new for us sexually that he had not already shared with her. She has forgiven herself and him…I cannot. He soiled her and our marriage bed. We have 4 young sons now…yet thoughts of them together haunt me. Our marriage bed has always been less than satisfying for me. I still have sleepless nights over this. She was so pure, and he took our marriage bed from us with his lies and deceit, walking away a victor and with a notch on his sleeve of taking down a virgin. I have such contempt for him, and I know the only people suffering here is myself, and my wife from my lack of foregiveness and maturity on this subject. Oh How I Pain Still after all these years go by…I love her, and want to love her more, yet this memory which is conjured up in my mind is killing me and our marriage. God Forgive Me.
He never put a ring on her finger, nor asked him to marry her…she conjured up in her own heart and mind that someday they would marry…to justify her gifting him with her virginity that she held on to for 25 years. Why? I will never know…three years in that relationship, he used her in every way then when she finally decided to leave he held on as he knew he was losing control of her and the relationship…I so hate him as he was 15 yrs her senior and knew exactly what he was violating…she was saving herself, and he deceived her with his lies…what i meant by conjured up in my mind is that I imagine the things they did in those three years…I am so pained by his presence in her life and now ours. Call me what you will…premarital sexual sin runs deep and carries scars into all marriages, including my own transgressions. Those that say different are in total denial to justify their own actions. Stay pure, hold out for marriage, your life will be better. Avoid our pain.
Hi Bob, I wonder if your angst about this man and your wife is part of your own guilt for your sexual past. You talk about your marriage bed being soiled but it seems to me that you soiled it long before your wife ever did. I would suggest that you will find peace in your heart by dealing with your own sin rather than obsessing about another man’s.
I appreciate your warning to others to avoid your pain. It is true that sexual sin can be so destructive in many ways and it is far better avoided than to try and deal with the consequences. However let me also suggest that God’s forgiveness offered through His Son Jesus Christ is perfect and complete. You do not have to go through life carrying the guilt and shame of past mistakes but can be set free from the weight of those. Jesus promised, “Come to me all of you who are weary and weighed down; I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28) It sounds to me like you are carrying a pretty heavy weight in your heart. Jesus’ death has paid the penalty for that sin and by giving it to Him you will be released from the weight of it. John wrote that “If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all of our unrighteousness.” (1John 1:9) So you can be cleansed of all the hurts you have caused God by your immoral actions and thoughts. And when you have experienced forgiveness for your sin it becomes a natural to forgive others of the way they have hurt you. In fact, one of Jesus’ parables points out that when we refuse to forgive other people it is a sign that we have not received God’s forgiveness of us (Matthew 18:23-25).
Lord God, I pray for Bob and the weight he carries. I ask that You would help him discover the freedom that You offer through forgiveness in Jesus. Help him to receive Your forgiveness and then offer forgiveness to others. Amen.
Thanks very much for this article…it is the first of its kind ave found since ma searching begun.
God has taken me through healing for a similar issue; i am in a relationship for 2 yrs now and i had a similar issue in the beginning of ma relationship.
i donnot have any sexual past but she told me she did and just after she broke-up because she couldn’t stand the guilt and shame that accompanied it. Even though she told me before we started the relationship, I felt realy very hurt in the begining and i had floods of pain occurring frequently(almost monthly) for about 5months…during those moments i will feel cheated and almost felt like ending the relationship…even more i felt very bad that i couldn’t forgive her. But i really did love her, so i prayed to God to heal me and help me see her with the eyes with which He does see her. It wasn’t easy but i am testifying that I NOW DO SEE HER AS SUCH and infact pure as my future wife. And am happy that she ever told me about it.
May God heal anyone in the same situation. AMEN!!!!
Hi there,
I have really liked reading your article but the pain and the hurt I have in my heart won’t let me forgive. I’m 23 years old and I saved my virginity for my husband. I went through few relationships but never gave up my virginity knowing that it will be for my husband. My fiancé has a long history with woman and has been in several sexual relationships. He says he is not ashamed as it was a learning experience and he hoped he had found better woman becuase the ones he was with really hurt him.
I have been engaged to him for 9 months and I still feel very frustrated with his past. I always question why he couldn’t have saved himself for me? It’s really bad at times and I feel like leaving him.
I love him a lot but his past always stands before me and its causing a lot of problems. I’m thinking if I can’t forgive him after 9 months how am I going to forgive him at all?
I don’t know if I should leave or stay?
So hurt and confused :(