I Can’t Forgive Their Sexual Past

Written by Barbara Wilson

I recently heard from a man struggling with the sexual past of a new love in his life. As a widower, his only sexual partner had been his wife. But his new friend had many, including a couple husbands and several boyfriends. According to him everything about her was perfect except this one thing. He wanted to move the relationship forward, but didn’t know how he could live tormented by the images of her with other men. “My own problem,” he said “which breaks my heart because I genuinely like her and care for her, is that unless I can get past this aspect of her life, we are destined to remain ‘just friends’.”

Before you start judging him for his unforgiving attitude, let me tell you that he’s not alone.  I hear frequently from men and women whose sexual pasts don’t mirror their partner’s and they are filled with pain not only for them, but because of the mental images of them with another.  And they ask the same question. “I want to forgive, I want to forget, but how? I don’t know how. Please help me forgive.”

Forgiveness is not our gift to offer

I understand how difficult it is to work through the sexual past of someone we love. I can assure you that when your partner has a more extensive sexual history than you do, he or she feels the weight of this guilt and shame even more than you do.  Men and women in this position often struggle with feelings of unworthiness as well.

Forgiveness is not our gift to offer.  It’s God’s gift to us and through us. If you’ve been a Christian for a while, then you already know all the verses on forgiveness, and Jesus’ command that we forgive each other. In other words, you know you should, but knowing it and doing it are two very different things.

I believe forgiveness is so hard because we’re really not capable of it, at least, not on our own. In fact, the only reason we can forgive is because God first forgives us. In Isaiah 43:25 He says, “I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.” This is really amazing when you think of it. The one the bible says we actually sin against, the only one who has the right to hold our sins against us says He blots them out, eliminates them, and then going a step further says, He forgets them forever. You can choose not to forgive your friend, but in reality he or she didn’t sin against you, but rather against God. God has chosen to forgive them and forget their sins. So it leaves you with no other choice.

On your own, you can’t forgive, but through you, God can and does. Every day we choose to forgive, God uses us to be His forgiveness to others on earth. Married couples have the privilege of being the one God uses to offer love and forgiveness to each other every day for the rest of their lives. So how can you forgive and be God’s vessel of forgiveness to this one He’s brought into your life?

Here are six steps in the forgiveness process

  1. Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. We make the choice to forgive and trust God with the feelings. Whenever those thoughts come, simply say (out loud if that helps), Lord I choose to forgive_____ for _____. I’ll trust you with the feelings of forgiveness.God is faithful, before long, you’ll find the thoughts don’t come as often, and your feelings will be grace-filled and no longer painful. Eventually, you’ll find you’re not having those images of her with others so much, and even if you do, it won’t be associated with the same emotions as before.
  2. God is really serious about forgiveness. In fact He says that if we want forgiveness from Him for our sins, we must forgive others their sins. Scary, right? The Lord’s Prayer in Matthew 6 links receiving and offering forgiveness together: “Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” Then just two verses down Jesus says, “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” In other words, when we come to God for forgiveness, He’ll say, “First things first…forgive __________ for _________, and then I will forgive you.”
  3. Ask God to help you see your friend as He does. I can assure you that God does not see her as a sinner. If she’s accepted Jesus as her Savior, than all God sees is someone righteous, holy, without blame or stain. The bible says God clothes us in righteousness because of Jesus. When He looks at us, He doesn’t see us as we see ourselves, sinful, dirty, and stained. He sees what Jesus’ blood has done for us…made us righteous and pure, acceptable to Him. If you can’t see her that way, ask God to give you His eyes to see here this way.
  4. God is more concerned about what’s going on now with your friend than what happened in the past. Is she in a growing, loving relationship with Jesus now? Is she walking with God in obedience in her life now? God cares about where her heart is now, He’s already forgotten the past.
  5. Healing is different than forgiveness. Although God forgives us for past sin, when it comes to sexual sin we still need healing. We still live with the pain, shame and wounds of the past that God wants to heal so that we can be free. I would encourage your friend to find healing for her past and to break the sexual bonds she created with past husbands and boyfriends, not only for herself, but for every present and future relationship she has.

God will help you forgive her because He’s already forgiven her. Unconditional love and forgiveness are the very definition of who God is. It’s something He’s asked us to do for each other. Now it’s your CHOICE. You just need to say “Yes, God I’ll forgive,” and let God take care of the rest. I know it sounds too simple. “There’s got to be something more,” you may protest. But that’s the best part of trusting God. He does make it simple. His power is real. It’s us who try to complicate things by doing it our own way.   

We can’t forgive in our own strength. It truly is a supernatural, divine action that requires God’s strength in and through us. That’s why choosing to forgive is the first step, because then God can take over and make it real in our lives.  Before long you will discover for yourself that your negative feelings are gone, that you have grace today where yesterday you had anger and resentment. That’s not to say that something won’t happen that will bring it up again, but that’s when you pick up your weapon again and say, “Lord I choose to forgive___ for ___. “

Remember this is a process and it takes time for the emotions to catch up with the decision.  When Jesus talked about forgiving seventy-times-seven I think this is what He meant.  Every time that old emotion of anger/un-forgiveness crops up, we just forgive again.  This way we don’t actually dwell on the un-forgiveness or negative emotion, rather we focus on the forgiveness part instead.   That will lead to freedom for you and in your relationship.  In the beginning it may need to happen daily or multiple times a day, but will eventually take hold and be permanent.

I promise, you can trust Him with this. Once you choose to forgive and say the words, God will take over and pour His forgiveness through you to her. It’s really that simple. Forgiveness is not our gift to offer.  It’s God’s gift to us and through us.

Take the next step:

Does forgiveness cancel out consequences?
Take a lesson: Find freedom in forgiveness
How to deal with emotional baggage

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71 Responses to “I Can’t Forgive Their Sexual Past”

  • Kate Kate says:

    Hamlet,

    Sounds like you have been processing this very carefully. You have put together a thoughtful, introspective review of what you’ve been going through. From this it would seem to me that you are perhaps on the verge of a breakthrough… I have this vision of you taking the carefully composed words, like the carefully constructed rationale and setting them aflame. I can see it turning from ash to dust.

    God’s answer to prayer usually does not come in the way we think, hope, expect or plan. He usually answers in a way we weren’t anticipating. What could that way be for you? Try to see something new, something different, try to pay attention to what’s going on around you, with the people in your life, something outside this dilemma…. I wonder if there might be something there, a scene, a transaction, that is about to bring peace to your heart.

    You said there seemed to be no shepherd looking for you… but I have never been to this webpage before.. here I am today…. ready to pray for you:

    Father God, thank you for this brother in Christ. Thank You for Your mercy and grace, for Your patience and faithfulness to bring us through the desert, through the dry place, through the wilderness. You are awesome in Your goodness. Help Hamlet to see what You are doing, where You are moving, what Your hand is touching, how You are leading him forward to deliver him. I trust You with all my heart and thank You for Your great power to save and set free. I bless Your name Lord Jesus and pray all these things to You Father. Amen

    Sadness is a stage… you will emerge on the other side.

    Blessings,
    Kate

  • Hamlet says:

    Dear Kate–
    I am both humbled and grateful for your kind words. You are thoughtful and wise as your words clearly show. To use the analogy you used so well, I find that regardless of how many matches I strike, this burden I bear does not seem to want to burn. I should be far less involved with issues from so long ago and be grateful for so many blessings I have today. I find it remarkable that you’ve never been to this page and, up until I jotted my note, I hadn’t been here either. I hope that you are correct regarding my being “on the verge of a breakthrough.” I will try to be patient and listen more carefully for “the message” in my effort to find my heart’s peace.
    My prayers of thanks will have your name in them for awhile…

  • Alfred Alfred says:

    As a mentor, I hardly know what to say to Hamlet or to Kate. I need to thank Barbara for this article, and I need to thank God having led me to read it! You see, I have been dragging guilt feelings from the past for some time; and it is overdue for me to let go of them. I need to let them go, and feel the freedom of living in the present. Yes, God has forgiven me, and now I am really a new creation in Christ Jesus, so I want to live like that. Can you see the smile on my face? I can feel it! Like Barbara said, “the feelings will follow.” Blessings, and Thanks again, Jesus.

  • jason says:

    Let me start this out by saying I’m with an amazing and sweet woman who I love very much and I look forward to marrying. We get along really well and have few problems but one of our biggest problems is me struggling with her past. This has gone on for quite some time now and it makes her feel absolutely horrible to the point of hating herself and crying which I do not like to see.

    I want to keep this anonymous so I won’t go too deep into detail. My fiance is a christian woman who is and always has been involved in the church. She has good morals and tries to live right the best she can. When she was younger she tried some sexual things with a boyfriend of hers out of curiosity and didn’t like it but he was a very abusive person and started forcing her and threatening her to get her to keep doing these things. this went on for years and somehow she kept on ending up back with this person who treated her like crap. According to her it was because she didn’t see a way out but she hated all of it, she hated the sexual things and being treated like crap but he just kept forcing her and she was terrified of him.

    Later I came along and she had just decided to finally leave this person. Whenever I asked about the past or it came up, she made it sound like it was completely normal and she was happy with him but later she came out and told me everything and I can’t help but feel like I don’t know if she is being honest about things or just pretending like she already did with me. I can understand that it is hard to talk about but it still bothers me. The other thing is I can’t seem to stop thinking about all the sexual things she has done with this guy and how it went on for years. I often wonder how can a person so strong in her faith live this way? How can a youth leader and sunday school teacher keep living that way? I see her and sometimes this is the only thing I can think of but it’s even worse that it hurts her and brings up painful memories of her past. Is there something wrong with her to stay with an abusive guy for so long and how can I let this go?

  • Doris Beck Doris Beck says:

    Jason,
    Have you tried working through the steps that Barbara Wilson recommends in this article? As she says so well, ‘On your own, you can’t forgive, but through you, God can and does. Every day we choose to forgive, God uses us to be His forgiveness to others on earth. Married couples have the privilege of being the one God uses to offer love and forgiveness to each other every day for the rest of their lives. ‘

    As to your question of how could she stay with an abusive guy so long? It happens every single day. Most often it’s because the woman’s self esteem is so low or there is so much fear involved. It is very hard for someone outside of the situation to understand because we think…just get out. But relationships are so complicated and it isn’t that easy.

    She has already suffered enough….it’s time for you to forgive her and move on. If you are still having problems with it, then perhaps you need to talk to someone about it because otherwise it will impact your marriage.

  • Kevin says:

    As a Christian I agree with much of what is said. However, it is also important to say that you can forgive her but you don’t have to advance the relationship. If a friend of mine is a pedophile I can love and forgive him but I won’t leave my kids with him. Ditching her is perfectly fine. Christ heals our souls not the temporal world around us. Part of the consequence of her past life is that some guys don’t want to be with her. That’s ok. She has to live with that – you don’t.

    I would find another woman. Relationships are hard, why bother with all this anxiety over her past life. Let God, her, and her pastor worry about it. Go find a woman who has lived a life that you feel more comfortable with. It’s easier and no less Christian. Christ died for her sins not you. It’s not your responsibility to fix your life to adapt to hers. You can if you want but why bother really? It’s just looking to make life harder and less happy than it can be.

  • Carolyn says:

    Kevin,

    I know your heart is well-intending, but your advice is 100 percent dead-wrong. If anyone has been reading this thread from the beginning, you will discover that the problem here is NOT the spouse with the past. The problem is the spouse who feels disturbed over a past that is now, none of their business. You are putting blame on the spouse with a past? You make it sound like this is a thread on cheating/adultery – why would you even suggest divorce? How in the world can you even start to compare this to a discovery of a pedophile situation? The healing has to start with the jealous and insecure spouse.
    Now what I am about to say goes to the spouses with a past: You are forgiven! You are loved by Christ! You are clean and white as snow! You are purified! And if your spouse keeps hurting you and hurting you, over and over, judging you, calling you names, torturing you — that falls under ABUSE. Do not tolerate this because their abuse is straight from the ENEMY! Find a healthy-minded church with a healthy-minded counselor, so that your’re abusive spouse can get some help. Again, you are PURE and LOVED and don’t let this abuse tear you up.
    Now, to the unforgiving spouse, I am praying for you this very minute that you heal from your illness. The obsessiveness over this is a SICKNESS, and I know because I was once like you. I am now free. How did I do it? I treated my sickness like a sin – because it is one. Everytime I felt sick to my stomach with the insecure rage, I would ask forgiveness and change “the channel.” I got to the point where it stayed in my head less and less, over the weeks. I labeled it negative and pushed it away. I chose to fill my mind and heart with beautiful things, praise GOD, sing my favorite hymns, and write long lists of things that I admired in my spouse. Believe me, when you are filling your heart and mind with Godly things, there will be no room for the old filth. Start seeing your insecure and jealous thoughts as filth and the Enemy’s lies, and you will start the healing of your marriage.
    You can do it. You will be released from these chains.

  • Jerry says:

    I hesitate to say anything because I know I will be ridiculed by those who don’t suffer from this disease. But to me, it is not much different than mocking someone who is lifetime addicted to drugs and telling them to just quit doing them, “it’s so simple”. But it is not simple for the addict. And while I agree with everything you said in the article, I can tell you, as someone who has suffered from this for more than 30 years, it is not something we choose to do or dwell on. In fact, I think it would be easier to get off drugs than to quit this as you can physically separate yourself from drugs and the temptation, but there is no way to separate yourself from your thoughts. It would be like asking an alcoholic to give up booze as he goes to bed every night surrounded by dozens of bottles of liquor. I myself have gone to counseling, been prayed over countless times, gone thru “deliverance” ministry, sought advice, prayed with my wife, asked her to forgive me and pray for me…and still, it creeps back into my head. I have pretty much decided it is a lifelong affliction, my cross to bear, and I will probably take these thoughts to my grave. My wife and I are fairly happy, and I rarely make any mention of anything anymore, but it still haunts me each and every day. I probably have these thoughts running thru my head one to two hours cumulative each and every day. I’m ashamed to say this has been going on for 34 years now. I’m heartbroken, and I feel I must have a demon since I know God wants to heal me. He wants me to have peace, but I don’t. There have been times I thought I had a breakthrough. Once I really broke down at the altar and the pastor really prayed over me, as well as my wife. I got up refreshed and told her it was over, the thoughts were gone. And they were for about a month. Then they started slowly coming back. So many things will trigger the thoughts. A young teenage girl. A mention of the years she was active. Hearing someones name shared by one of her boyfriends. Virtually any song or movie from that time. I can’t name them all, some are so dumb and trivial. And despite what everyone who DOESN’T suffer from this says, it isn’t a matter of jealousy, or insecurity. I know that may be hard to believe, but it is true, at least in my case. Her old boyfriends were losers, every one of them. Not a one was good looking, has had a successful life, gone to college, or done anything of significance in their life. They mostly live right where they grew up, living in trailers, doing menial jobs even into their 50′s, if they work at all, and most are drug addicts. Most have never had a family or are on their third or fourth marriage. In fact, I think I would feel better if they HAD been good looking, or had something – anything – going for them. I wouldn’t feel she just gave it away. Our sex life is far and away better than anything she ever had with them, I don’t EVER think about if I measure up. One look, and it is clear, there is nothing to measure up to. (Even after 34 years together, we have mutually satisfying sex at least 4 times a week. And ironically, during sex is the ONE time I almost never think about her old boyfriends, unless I consciously try to). Yet my wife was beautiful, and still is, so there wasn’t a guy she couldn’t have had if she wanted. Yet she freely gave herself to these scum bags! For nothing in return, not even good sex! That is what drives me crazy. I honestly believe if 100 guys had come onto my wife during those years and the opportunity presented itself, she would have slept with 100 of them. Thank God she grew up in an isolated town of only 600 people. Only one guy did she ever turn down to my knowledge, and that was because he was a fat, dorky geek who tried to kiss her. While none of the guys she was with were good looking, at least they weren’t ugly, except for her first. She was only 13 years old, still in the 7th grade for crying out loud, when she freely gave herself to the first guy who tried, a 19 year old drunk loser who killed him self drunk driving 8 months after he started sleeping with her. That was followed by two boyfriends of 2 years each. The second one got her pregnant at 16, she had an abortion without batting an eye, and she cheated on him every chance she had. She had four one night stands while dating this second boyfriend, all with older guys, all losers. One of these cheats was a guy she met at a party while she was there with her boyfriend and he caught them kissing. Pissed, he took her home and after he drove off, she walked back over and slept with the guy! I’m the youngest guy she has been with, and I’m 2 years older than her. I’m pretty sure one of the guys was 15 years older than she was. I don’t blame the guys at all. What non-christian (and MANY Christian) guys wouldn’t take some free sex from a beautiful young girl? I admit it, I took it! I wasn’t serving God at the time, I hadn’t been with a girl for a while and I was horny. Within 2 minutes of our first kiss on our first date, she had her hand on my crotch!!! Of course I took it! What red blooded American guy wouldn’t, from a gorgeous girl with an awesome body? Maybe if I had been serving God, I could have said no. I’m pretty sure no one in her town was saved, and all were pot smoking, crank snorting party bums. Who can blame these guys for tapping her when she gives herself so easy? No, I have no ill will toward any of them. My problem has always been with my wife, and why she never had any respect for herself or at least made a guy work for it. If it had only been the two boyfriends, that would be one thing. But by her won account, she only felt like she might have loved one of these guys, but even now she says no. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t get it out of my head. It didn’t help that she was never very forthcoming about her past as I was with her. Yes, I had sex with several girls, but NEVER a one night stand. And I NEVER lied to a girl, EVER! Nearly every girl I had been with had been friends first and we had relationships. And I told her upfront about every girl I had ever even kissed. The first year we were together she told me about four of the guys and promised that was all. I had been engaged before and that girl had ripped my heart out with cheating, so I told my future wife that honesty and trust was the most important thing in a relationship to me. She promised me she was being honest and that I could always trust her. A year later, she got saved and, guilt ridden, told me about two more guys, now promising me that was all. I never felt she had told me everything since, more than once I had caught her back with her old boyfriend during the first several months we were dating, so she had already compromised my trust by that. She even admitted sleeping with me and her old boyfriend the first two weeks we were dating because she just assumed I was a short term affair. After I said I would only see her if we were exclusive, I still found her at least two more times with him. She said she was just a friend with him, but she never made much effort to reassure me about what they did or didn’t do. She offered nothing to win my trust, and would only answer yes or no to direct questions if she slept with her old boyfriend during those times she was with him. Once she even told me she couldn’t remember. Of course my trust in her was shot by this point, but I still gave her the benefit of a doubt because I loved her. Not until 26 years later did she finally confess to one more guy she had boned, the guy she had walked over to after the party. This was a guy I had most likely bumped into during my hundreds of visits to her tiny little town over the years since there is only one store and gas station. 26 years of denials, and only then because I just knew she was keeping something from me, and she finally reluctantly confessed. That was 7 years ago and it still haunts me. There is nothing worse than not being able to trust your wife. While I finally think she has told me everything, I still wonder occasionally. Sometimes I can’t believe how wild my imagination can be and, although I have never suspected her of cheating on me during our marriage, her deception felt like cheating. I think if she had just laid it all bare, begged me to forgive her that first year, showed even the tiniest remorse for having an abortion, I think my life would be a lot different today. I never planned on writing this much when I came across this page, but somehow it helps. Not being able to share how I feel with anyone other than my wife is very hard since I don’t tell her everything I feel as it would kill her. I’m sure she feels it, but I mostly keep it to myself nowadays.

  • Jerry says:

    Sorry I wrote so much and didn’t space or indent. I guess I was venting.

  • Chris Chris Landwerlen says:

    kevin…the bible says that God is not in the thoughts of the wicked. how much more those of us who know the lord, should by faith, be able to keep unwanted thoughts out of our lives as we sanctify ourselves each day to do his will. praise the lord that we are new creations in christ and we dont have to let the old man be resurrected inside of us. i pray the power of gods Word becomes alive and real in you and all of us today. blessings!

  • Kevin says:

    I was under the impression the original question was for someone dating someone – NOT MARRIED.

    If you are married the steps to take in this article are great to help you move on and accept Christ’s sacrifice for them and heal from their legitimate wrong they did against you. I never meant to imply that this was a cause for divorce. However, for those who need to heal thinking about their spouses sins against them as the result of their jealousy or insecurity is silly and they are better off realizing that their spouse did something horrible to them that their spouse has now been made clean from. Its not the wounded persons fault they are wounded – they are the victim of their spouses previous sin. They need to heal from it but they are the victim. This insecurity nonsense is insulting to the real hurt done to others by sexual sin.

    If you are dating and considering marriage than there are a few things that I need to make more clear about my advice:
    1. Marriage is optional – you don’t have to marry any one person
    2. Marriage is a commitment to stay together through everything so anything you can do to make it easier is great.
    3. The mercy of Christ does not change temporal reality. My example was of a pedophile which was just the first convenient example. Let me list others: You drink and drive and hit a small child who loses a leg. When you repent Christ does not fix that child’s leg. If you sleep around and get STDs when you repent they and their effects don’t go away. If you sleep around – you might hurt those you want to marry or do marry in the future.

    What the above commentators are saying is that someone can choose a spouse based on their hair color, height, hobbies, lifestyle, political affiliation, sense of humor, taste in movies, etc…but not their sexual past. That’s silly because you can select who you want to be your marriage partner on any thing you want.

    You should feel confident that this bothers you and is a quality you don’t want in a spouse and move on. People get confused because the fact we are dealing with sin. But the easiest happiest path is often moving on. The other person can find someone different who is not bothered and you can find someone for which you are not worried about their sexual past. As I said – you don’t need to suffer for others past sins. You can forgive them but you don’t need to pursue the relationship. Moving on is 100% legitimate. You are under no obligation to marry anyone for any reason. If you have to work this hard just to be at peace prior to marriage … its probably a sign this person is actually not really right for you. The world is a big place with plenty of potential mates.

  • Kevin says:

    Just to be clear about the divorce thing- if you are married you need to forgive them and move on. If you are considering marriage – I would just think of it as any other attribute and if it bothers you move on. I think once you are married you must figure out a way to make it work through Christ. You are under no such obligation when considering marriage.

  • Kevin says:

    Wow – my communication skills are awful because I keep using “move on” two different ways. In marriage you need to forgive and live beyond the spouses sexual past. Pre-marriage you can leave the relationship.

  • Kathryn Kathryn says:

    Jerry, I really do feel for you but you are allowing satan to mess with your life. I suggest you get hold a book called The Bondage breaker by Neil Anderson. As a Christian man you know that all of us have sinned and come short of the glory of God, you, me, your wife and we are saved and cleansed by Jesus shed blood. We have a couple in our fellowship where the wife had a pretty riotous sexual life from an early age and a couple of abortions too, one after she had become a Christian. Her testimony is so powerful and mostly because her husband has fully accepted her as his pure bride. They are living proof of the freedom that Christ brings to those who truly understand forgiveness. I am glad you felt able to share your story, I trust it will help others to see that unforgiveness can be sheer hell and as Christians, Jesus died to save us from that. Try and get the book mate, it will help I am sure.

  • Petrina says:

    End the relationship. Do this for her, not You. It’s not about You. You are not married too her and yet you have this grudge against her. How unfair are YOU to her..You said it, it was her Past.. So right now, she only has 80% of your time, love, attention, support whilst YOU battle with images of her in bed with another Man..or is it the other way around??.until You get over it, only then, should YOU pursue her, with an HONEST HEART and PEACEFUL MIND Free from images, deceit and lies..

  • Aldo Aldo says:

    Petrina, I do not know who you are addressing, but what your saying sounds like pretty good advise to me.

  • Heartbroken says:

    Hello again, I have written a few times on this thread before so if you want to know my full story read my posts above…

    I am still very distressed by my husbands past….we now have a baby on the way and I’m stressing that we will somehow name her after one of these women. I know the name of two but not THE one he had sex with…3 years ago.
    Some people on here have advised not to ask who she was that he had sex with but I can’t seem to get past it now that I don’t KNOW who she is…let me explain… as I said in an earlier message, he once “said” it was one girl, named lets say Sue, then admitted later it wasn’t Sue and that he had just sex-texted Sue years ago and there was a completely different girl he’d had sex with.
    I think I need to know who she is to be able to get past this once and for all!! I keep wondering wherever my husband and I go together if she just walked by (as sometimes my husband cranks his neck to see a girl walk past) and I always wonder if he will “see” her again….not that he wants to but he won’t be able to stop himself… because in the past he did go to her house several times hoping to get sex…. (this is straight out of his mouth) I just pray every day that God will give him the strength not to go to her or someone else that he’s written, as he has sex-texted many girls…
    We had a major fight a few days ago…as we do quite often nowadays…Our marriage is majorly suffering as he knows that I do not trust him at all. He is frustrated and doesn’t seem to understand why I don’t trust him!!! I know I need to forgive and forget but when the ONE person you love more than anybody keeps lying to you it gets really tough to deal with…especially having hormones raging being pregnant.
    So whoever reads this please be praying for me as I am, Lord willing, going to finally ask to see her and get this over with….I HOPE! I cant deal with it anymore!

    One last thing but IMMENSELY IMPORTANT: I feel like I’m not as good at “intimate things” as my husband would want as he just told me that a few days ago!! It broke my heart! I don’t do certain “intimate things” (I won’t go into details) as I know he did them with her… It hurts me to know that I am limited by things I can share with my husband as he did them with someone else. To sum this up, if he thinks I’m not good at intimate things he must be holding ME up to what he’s had before, and she was better??!!

    Please be praying for me as I have a horribly hard thing to do…Lord willing, soon. Thanks for listening…

  • Chris Chris says:

    heartbroken…i am sorry to hear of your struggles with your husband. trust truly needs to be earned. its not automatic. your husband needs to see that his past infidelity has breeched your ability to fully confide in him as a true biblical husband. like anyone who has done wrong, there has to be a time of probation in order to once again prove their faithfulness. he also needs to see that and not expect you to resume intimacy without that needed time for you to recover and see the fruit of his life reflecting his true changes for good. even John the baptist told the people to not just come with words to his baptism but to bring true fruits worthy of true repentance. i hope what i am saying makes sense to you. it would be wise for you to have him take a blood test also, to insure he hasnt picked up a sexually transmitted disease. he should be more than willing to if in fact he is truly sorry for his past actions. check out 5lovelanguages.com. he should be willing to go through the true love assesment listed there as well. . .lord come to our sister today. show her the authority she has in christ and not to be condemned by her husbands bad attitudes which to you are sin since all sin starts in the heart. help her to have a blessed pregnancy and birth. we give you this child even from his or her mothers womb. bring true repentance to her husband and help our sister to know that the simple marital act as described in the bible is all she need be concerned about. anything else is excess and unnecessary flesh wanting to dominate a true Christian spiritual life. thanks for always being by her side and comforting her during this time of expectancy. in jesus name amen. blog back soon and stay in touch!!

  • Aldo Aldo says:

    Chris, that is GREAT!!! advice to Heartbroken, and a beautiful prayer for her to which I say, Amen and Amen.

  • Alex says:

    Hello,
    As a Christian man this I find it deeply difficult to stop letting my wife’s past upset me. It makes me incredibly angry and whilst I have told her how I feel I do not want to act like I’m punishing her for it by constantly bringing it up and so I keep my feelings to myself a lot of the time and the anger builds. My personal challenge is that my wife is not a Christian, and she does not feel the same about her history that I do. Whilst I get that I need to forgive her regardless of if she feels like she needs forgiveness, I’m not sure where that leaves how God sees her? If she isn’t a Christian can her sins be wiped pure?

    Thanks for any advice and prayera

  • Chris Chris says:

    alex….i see your situation and regret you are struggling…one thing that is so important in our Christian life is the ability to see others through the eyes of christ. remember how jesus has forgiven all of our sins. yes, we as christians have asked him to but what of that time when we were without christ in the world and rebelling? our lives could have easily been snuffed out and destroyed. remember too that jesus forgave those who murdered him on the cross while they were happy to do it and not repentant in the least bit. we understand many of those same people were saved on the day of pentecost in acts chapter 2. remember also that 1 cor 7.14 says that your faith sanctifies the life of your unsaved spouse until she herself exercises faith in jesus for her own salvation so dont stop believing for her. your faith closes the spiritual gap in her life according to ezek 22.30. check out 5lovelanguages.com for more help in loving your wife unconditonally and showing her the same forgiveness that christ has shown you according to ephes 4.32…father i pray for alex now that you would give him your heart for his wife. you died for her as well as for him, and we trust that her salvation will not tarry but will be manifest through your great faithfulness we see from you each morning as we arise in jesus name amen!

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