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In today’s “anything goes” culture what are the parameters for good sex between a Christian husband and wife? Are there some things that are off limits? What about sex toys? Do they have a place in a Christian marriage? How do you know if a sexual act is wrong between a husband and wife? These are common and important questions.
God definitely has something to say on this topic. First and most important, is the necessity that each spouse honors the other’s comfort level, respectfully. True love does not force someone to do something that causes them pain, shame or discomfort, be it physical or emotional. If one spouse puts on the brakes, the other needs to honor that. However, I’ve also discovered that for women who have been sexually abused or had sexual trauma
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When it comes to knowing what is appropriate in God’s eyes, ask these three questions:
1. Is it prohibited in Scripture?
If it isn’t prohibited in Scripture, then it’s allowed. Sometimes a study of biblical terms will be necessary to answer this question. For example, the Bible does not use the word pornography, yet, is very clear that the use of pornography is prohibited in Scripture. God talks about sexual immorality and sexual impurity, including obscenity – these are all words that would describe pornography. I have talked to many Christian couples who felt that pornography within marriage is okay. However, I would argue based on my study of the Scriptures, and the damage caused by pornography, that God’s language on this topic prohibits the making, viewing and distributing of pornography.
2. Is it beneficial?
2 Corinthians 6:12 says, “Everything is permissible for me, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible, but I will not be mastered by anything.” If your activity is not prohibited, ask God to show you if it’s causing you, your spouse or your marriage harm in any way. Often what is right for one person, could trigger painful things for someone else, and therefore, cause pain for you and your marriage. Don’t allow anything into your bedroom that becomes an obsession for one or both of you. Don’t choose something that may demoralize, or replace the other.
3. Does it involve anyone else?
This one is really important, because in Hebrews 13:4, God implores us to honor our marriage bed and keep it pure. He gave sex as an amazing, bonding gift within marriage, between a husband and a wife. Whenever we bring anyone else into our marriage bed, even through pornography or in fantasy in our minds, we have crossed into the prohibited area according to God.
I would also caution you to be careful how much you talk about your “marital bedroom”. What happens between a husband and wife is private and personal. You need to trust one another that what you do with each other is not a topic of conversation with others. The key is to honor and respect your partner in all things, which includes what we talk about with others. There is a very fine line of what is appropriate and what is not.
God loves us so much, and because He is our Creator He knows exactly what we need, what will hurt us, and what will be good for us and help us thrive. His guidelines are not to punish us or ruin our fun, but to provide the best for us, and to protect us from incredible heartbreak, pain and damage. So with that in mind have fun together and enjoy what God created for pleasure!
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It would be beneficial to have specific scripture references for each of the numbered questions in the article… not just the author’s “…based on my study of the Scriptures…” take on the topic! What study? What specific scriptures? It would be helpful for these articles to shed more light on Truth, not interpretation.
I agree with the statement from Angie. Even though what has been noted is familiar, more reference to find it in the Bible would be extremely helpful.
Well I am not sure of the specific scriptures that Barbara and Beth are referring to but I am sure that some of those would be: “You have heard that the law of Moses says, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust in his eye has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27-28)
“tell them to abstain from eating meat sacrificed to idols, from sexual immorality” (Acts 15:20)
“We should be decent and true in everything we do, so that everyone can approve of our behavior. Don’t participate in wild parties and getting drunk, or in adultery and immoral living, or in fighting and jealousy. But let the Lord Jesus Christ take control of you, and don’t think of ways to indulge your evil desires.” (Romans 13:13-14)
“But our bodies were not made for sexual immorality. They were made for the Lord, and the Lord cares about our bodies. And God will raise our bodies from the dead by his marvelous power, just as he raised our Lord from the dead. Don’t you realize that your bodies are actually parts of Christ? Should a man take his body, which belongs to Christ, and join it to a prostitute? Never! And don’t you know that if a man joins himself to a prostitute, he becomes one body with her? For the Scriptures say, “The two are united into one.” But the person who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. Run away from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. Or don’t you know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.” (1Corinthians 6:13-20)
“Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God’s people.” (Ephesians 4:3)
“So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. Have nothing to do with sexual sin, impurity, lust, and shameful desires.” (Colossians 3:5)
“God wants you to be holy, so you should keep clear of all sexual sin. Then each of you will control your body and live in holiness and honor–not in lustful passion as the pagans do, in their ignorance of God and his ways.” (1Thessalonians 4:3-5), etc.
I hope those help.
Sex is a very important part of a relationship and can bring a couple closer afterwards because of the hormones it causes to surge (oxytocin). The way people express themselves through sex is unique and there really should be no right or wrong way of sexual expression if two people love each other and are enjoying each other and feel comfortable with what they are doing.
My relationship for the last year consisted of ‘no sex’. The man involved had been sexually abused as a child and found that love and sex are different and that sex does not play a role in a relationship that is true love. However, he has said to me, that there has been sex in past relationships. It can leave a person feeling empty, that the feelings are not true for the relationship is not complete. I feel it all goes together and true love does have a physical involvement, it all should be one, without thought, but he does not see it that way. Love is love, heart felt, but sex and physical involvement is not love.
Hi Heather, you may want to recommend some of Barbara Wilson’s books for your man. She has one study called “Break Free From Your Sexual Past: For Men” which could help him explore some different perspectives on his past. You can find more information about Barbara and her books at http://www.barbarawilson.org