She Doesn’t Want Sex

Written by Beth Scholes

You might feel like you’re alone in this. Free email mentoring is available today. Request a mentor. Also in this series: I Love my Spouse, but I’m Attracted to Someone Else.

There are many reasons a woman may experience a diminished sex drive.  Men and women are very different sexually.  Women are emotionally driven while men are more physically driven.  The stage of life can be a factor or there could be a physical problem.  Fatigue is also a major issue for many women.  It could be that she does not feel that there is enough true intimacy in the marriage.  Emotional intimacy goes way beyond sex and needs to be in place for to engage.  Yes, women are complex, but you already knew that!

Men are very visual and physically based.  Men see what they want and are turned on.  They are also driven by an accumulation of sperm that needs to be released in a timely manner, if not released it continues to build in a physical need/urge for release.  Women do not have a physical counterpart for this drive. Women are attracted to a man based on how he treats her and the depth of her emotional relationship with him.  Does she feel safe, loved, cared for, wanted, beautiful, helped?  What is happening with emotional intimacy greatly affects sexual intimacy.  All of these things and more add to her desire.

Outside influences

Her lack of desire may not be about you at all.  Sex outside of marriage, whether due to one’s own choices or due to abuse, can be a big culprit for robbing desire in marriage. Oxytocin, a chemical released during orgasm will bond partners.  (Refer to the book Kiss Me Again Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage, to learn more about oxytocin’s role in sexuality.)  Past sexual experiences, even positive ones, do have an effect on your current sexual relationship.

Don’t relate her lack of desire to the way you feel, because men and women are so VERY different on this topic.  Interpreting her lack of desire as rejection is painful and dangerous when it may not be about you but about her and where she is at right now.  It could be any number of things. If she experienced childhood abuse I recommend the book Wounded Heart, by Dan Allender. For dealing with past relationships Kiss Me Again, Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage, by Barbara Wilson is an excellent resource.  Once the past is cleared up you can both move forward together!

It may be about you after all:  the two of you

If there are emotional issues between the two of you this will diminish her drive.  She needs to feel free to express herself in all areas.  She needs to be free to be honest in her emotions, even if this upsets you.  You need to control your response to her anger so she does not feel punished or abused. This can lead to freer expression in the bedroom as well.  If she feels that she cannot be herself there is a break-down in true intimacy.  Intimacy is about so much more than sex.

Resentment can be another emotional stumbling block in the pursuit of a woman’s desire.  There could be any number of things she resents you for.  It could be an attitude or action, current or past.  If she resents you it needs to be resolved.  It could be something you are not aware of, she may not even realize resentment is the cause.  (A good counselor can be a gift in resolving these issues.)  Things that get shoved under the proverbial rug are a major source of resentment.

If you think this is the issue, the two of you can sit down and have a heart to heart discussion.  Ask her if there is anything now or in the past that she resents you for.   Give her time to think and process.  If nothing comes to mind right away give her opportunity to come back with an answer.  Give her the freedom to have a long list or a short list to share with you.  If the list is longer than you thought, be careful how you respond.  You do not want to diminish this intimate interaction by reacting harshly.  True intimacy includes honest interaction with both parties feeling safe to express themselves.

Be aware that if she has not felt free to express herself there may be a time period that the pendulum swings and it feels pretty one sided for a time.  You may need to bite your tongue and take what comes at you for a while as she works on becoming more honest with her emotions and expressions.  You need to provide an extra safe place while she learns to walk this new path.  Her first steps will be tentative.  Once this relating pattern becomes more normal the pendulum should land in the middle with back and forth interactions about how you both feel.

Marriage is not 50/50 contract, it is about meeting each others’ needs.  This involves one spouse making sacrifices at certain points in the journey.  That being said, one spouse should not make ALL the sacrifices, it goes back and forth over time.  Being able to express oneself is important in marriage and sexuality in order to achieve true intimacy.

What is true intimacy?

True intimacy is the ability to express who you are and be accepted at all levels.  Relationships get stuck at whatever intimacy level is forged when you start having sex.  Sexual intimacy masquerades as a substitute for emotional intimacy.  The right foundation is achieved when sexual intimacy is introduced after a couple is married AND has previously achieved the fifth level of emotional intimacy.

If sex is introduced at a lower level of emotional intimacy the relationship gets stuck in a lower level.  Intimacy can only progress as far as both people are able to.  For example if he can function at level five but she is stuck at level three the relationship will stay at the lower level, level three.  Lasting love needs the ability to overcome emotional stressors and the real pressures of life, such as anger, conflict, stress, fatigue, etc.   If your relationship is stuck at a premature intimacy level, it may show up in a wife’s lack of sex drive.  Here is a basic list of the emotional intimacy levels:

Level 1: Safe communication (meeting a stranger in the grocery store)

Level 2: Others’ opinions and beliefs (my boss said. . .)

Level 3: Personal opinions and beliefs (I think that …. )

Level 4: My feelings and experiences (this is what happened to me – joy, pain, sorrow)

Level 5: My needs, emotions and desires (this is my deepest self, my secrets)

If this sounds like it might be an issue for you, there is hope.  Going back and restoring the emotional intimacy can be done and will be very rewarding for both of you. To read a full article on the intimacy levels click here.  The book I recommend is Kiss Me Again, Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage, by Barbara Wilson.

Boundaries can play a big part in her waning desire

One VERY common issue for married partners is the difference in libido.  Many couples do not agree on how often they should have sex.  In fact many men express, “I want to have sex as often as I can and she seems like she could care less.  What are we supposed to do?”  For some men they feel a personal sense of rejection if she does not want to have sex with him.  He may feel unloved and hurt by this perceived rejection.

A common response is to push more and become persistent to the point of demanding that your sexual desires be met; especially if you feel this is your “right” and “need”. She may feel backed into a corner and feel that she has no choice.  This is especially true for a Christian woman who has been told that her body belongs to her husband and she is the only means of fulfilling his desire/need.  Desire takes flight under these circumstances and makes a quick exit.  People who feel pushed into something don’t have opportunity to decide if they really want it for themselves.

The problem with this scenario is that in order to be free to really say yes fully, one needs to have the freedom to no.  The book Boundaries in Marriage, by Townsend and Cloud talks about this.  They call it The Law of Motivation and describe it like this:

The law of motivation states that we must be free to say no before we can wholeheartedly say yes.  No one can actually love another if she feels she doesn’t have a choice not to.  Giving your time, love, or vulnerability to your spouse requires that you make your own choice based on your values not out of fear.  HAVING to do anything is a sign that someone is afraid.  Fear works against love.  The “have to” destroys the “choose to”.

Putting this quote in context of feminine sexuality, means that her desire has a chance to grow and flourish when she feels that she has a choice and that her desire matters.  Does your wife have a choice?

Finally, are your own sexually deviant choices affecting her?

This could be a wide range of behaviors.  Men think in a compartment format.  For example, he might think, “Viewing pornography has nothing to do with my wife, it does not affect my marriage, and therefore it is ok.  What I do on my own time to relax is my business.  After all men are, visual, so it is fine.”  Wrong, wrong, and wrong!  It does affect your wife. (Here is a video) Stop it!  You may be able to view images and not compare her to them, (or maybe you cannot), but if she knows you have an issue with pornography (or sees you watching other women at the beach in front of her) she will compare herself to other women and guess who comes up short every time?!  She does.

This is especially true of published pictures, because those models are all edited and enhanced.  Real women, your wife included, hate this!  If a woman feels compared to others, it is very hurtful and damaging to her, her self-esteem, and therefore your marriage.  This feeling of inadequacy robs the intimacy from your marriage.

So if you are doing this or other deviant behaviors (there are many more than mentioned here) and wonder why she does not want to have sex, think about the scenario you are creating, from her perspective.  Do you want her talking about how wonderful other men are and then expect to feel good about sex together?  Do you want to wonder if she is thinking about someone else when the two of you are together?  Sex is designed for two people to enjoy each other, bringing in a third party is not acceptable, images included!   For more information on this topic see:  Erosive Influence of Porn Upon Husbands, www.sexaddict.com, Pornography and Addiction

Support her in her journey

Take the time and initiative to support her needs, even if you don’t understand them.  They may go against your needs and desires for a time, but the result is worth your sacrifice.  Depending on what the issue is, she may need to take a break from sex for a time, or be the only one to initiate sex for a time.  Realize that she has a need in this area and support her in the journey toward progress.  This may include working on emotional intimacy that includes more sensual experience than sexual.  For example, take time to cuddle naked and talk about sexual likes and dislikes, without the expectation that it to lead to sex.  Create a safe environment for her to grow and express herself without feeling pressured or pushed, one where her desire can grow and have expression when it comes.

Recognize that the process may involve pain, but pain does not always equate to “bad”.  Pain can indicate growth and be a very good thing.  Other times it indicates that there is a problem that needs to be cared for.  Be patient and supportive whatever the journey looks like in your marriage.

Note: This article deals with a wife’s lack of desire.  If your husband is the one who does not want sex, read Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex and join the conversation.

Take the next step:
Family Life offers hope and resources for struggling marriages. Watch their video: The Sex Starved Marriage.

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50 Responses to “She Doesn’t Want Sex”

  • Celeste65 says:

    Women need to understand that sometimes men want sex just to relieve stress.
    Getting off is a stress release.
    Men need to understand that their woman wants to be appreciated, and not treated as if “You owe me this, I’m your husband”. Treat her more than just something to screw.

  • Chris Chris says:

    anonymous…sorry to hear of your struggles. we understand that not everybody has the same type of sexual interest and its good to keep these earthly things in perspective. the fact that you do have sexual intimacy you say twice a month or so is better than nothing although i know that isnt what you want to hear. you say you are working 60 hours a week and doing a lot of the chores. have you considered your spiritual life? we know that marriage is for this life alone. have you considered your place in the next which will be forever? i would encourage you to put your marriage and life into perspective. one day your body will be in the ground and turn to dust. all of the sexual activity you had had in your life will be over and done with but your soul will continue to exist either with jesus christ in heaven or without christ seperated from him forever and Gods glory. does your marriage situation and lack of sex seem as important to you now after those considerations? i would hope not. yes, the lord wants to assist you but he also wants you to see the bigger picture of this life and world and why we are on it. you can log on at knowingjesuspersonally.com for more information on how to have a personal relationship with jesus christ and the salvation of your soul or click talk to a mentor above….i pray that you would meditate on what i believe God has given me to share with you and that you would open your heart to the greater things jesus has for you, your wife and your life in jesus name amen!

  • Anonymous says:

    I really need advice my wife has this problem and I have done everything I can feel I can do. I work 60 hours a week doing concrete. I come home clean the house do the laundry make sure that everything’s okay cooking dinner. I’m extremely physically attracted to my wife and I want to have sexual relations all the time but I make the extra effort to make her feel like I want to hear how her day is in about her problems I’ve gotten to the point that I never even initiate it anymore and she doesn’t either and when she does she rolls over and says hey you want to have sex there’s no intimacy about it. I’ve tried talking to her she gets upset and says that I’m making all these problems up in my head. Making love once or twice a month is not okay for me at all. When we started dating it was a three or for time a day thing then I asked her to marry me and she sYs we have our entire lives together why am I worried so much about the now. And on top of that I will call her spring the day with no answer text with no reply for hours and when I say something she gets upset says I’m controlling but if I’m spending time a nd a friend calls or text she ignorant me answering the phone and leave the room or immediately texts them I have tried telling her but again I’m making it all up in my head. I’m at my breaking point I feel used UN appreciated unloved and always feel like the last resort when it comes time to talk or spend time together. I bring her flowers every day just to see her smile I love to make her happy. But she does not help me clean any more does not help with laundry does not help with anything. But still tells her friend that she has to cook and clean all the time. Last week it got to the point that she Started a fight with me because I didn’t have her cloths clean for work. I tried again to express how I was feeling her only respond was why is there always a problem why do I never do anything right I do so much for you and you don’t see any of it. So i have made the extra effort to see what she does and it feels more like she is only with me because she has no were to go she does nothing to contribut nothing to make me feel special nothing to make me feel like the person she wants to spend her life with. I feel like I’ve lost the love of my life and have no ideah how to get her back the things I do are now expected not appreciated
    Thank you for your time.
    Sincerely
    Anonymous

  • Susan Susan says:

    Hi Kathryn,
    Thank you for sharing this beautiful video. All the answers are in this!!!

  • Susan Susan says:

    Hi Joe,
    Yes, this really like a switch just shut off. But, is it possible for you to talk to her about this in a deeper way? Joe, pray about this…God can change this situation. Apart from this, how is your wife? Is she take care of you? Is she talk to you, listen to you etc..? How is your approach with her?

    Let’s pray: Dear Father God, Thank You for this beautiful time. Lord, I commit this marriage in Your hand. Lord, forgive our sins, because, we never want to involve You in our situations and then we fall into trouble. Forgive us Lord. Lord, I pray that You restore this marriage. Lord, help Joe and his wife to trust in You. Thank You for hearing our prayers. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

  • Susan Susan says:

    Hi Baron,
    Actually, you wife should have thought this before marriage. According to God, marriage must be holy and God hates divorce. That is why, before marriage we must take God’s guidance in this. Baron, God can still work in this. But before that, let me ask you something, are you both living together? Is she talking to you? Why don’t you take her out (where she likes) and have a conversation with your wife? Ask her, if she is going through something or is she hiding something which she doesn’t want to tell you? Baron, talk to her and see. Then, let me know. More than everything Baron, pray about this, ask God to change each others and ask for God’s guidance in ths. I am sure Baron, nothing is impossible with our God.

    Let me pray for you.

    Dear Father God, I thank You for this time. Lord, I commit Baron and his wife in Your hand. Lord, I pray that, You speak to Baron’s wife and help her understand the situation. Lord, I pray that You restore this marriage. Thank You for hearing our prayers. We ask this in Jesus’ mighty name, Amen.

  • Susan Susan says:

    Hi oshua,
    You guys are not married yet right? May be your girl friend is not comfortable having sex before marriage? May be she doesn’t want to hurt you…? More than everything, why do you
    Want to have sex before marriage? Please, don’t hurry up for anything, have lot of patience, ask God for His guidance. Oshua, a clear conversation is must in this. Ask her directly what is the reason? Ask her lovingly, let her know that you care for her and be honest.
    I want to pray for you.
    Heavenly Father,
    Lord, I thank You for this time. Lord, I commit Oshua and her girlfriend in Your hand. Lord, I pray that You guide them. Help them to involve You in their every decision making. Help them to give You priority in everything. Thank You for hearing our prayers. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

  • Susan Susan says:

    Hi Lisa,
    I do agree with you. It has to be with both side. Liza, is there something which he doesn’t want to share with you? Some problem in his office…work related..? Why don’t you ask him..? I feel, Liza, turn to God and commit this matter into God’s hand. In 1 Peter 5:7 says, Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Why not ask God to change him my friend? If he is not then you focus on God and let Him handle your situation. What do you say about this Liza?

  • Rashid says:

    Kathryn
    This very touching video. I have to give credit to wife for her commitment to God and her strength of patent and sacrifice her life it is a amazing but I have marriage with beautiful children and I kept my strength but still fail. It was all on wife to keep the string tight. Which she did. We all will like to have partner with this kind of strength at least I will but I have found out it impossible to find one. I will like to know what is love meaning to you and different this love is from parents and children and why thank you

  • Kathryn Kathryn says:

    Hi Folks, This is obviously a very deep problem for many people. I am both sad and encouraged that quite a few people claim to be Christians, not that that fact makes it easier as the different writers have mentioned. I recently saw a very moving video about true love in marriage, it is very unusual, mainly sad but so uplifting and I would like to share it with you and pray that God may soften hearts and heal relationships. http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/the-story-of-ian-larissa

  • Rashid says:

    Hi all
    I do believe that sex should be on between husband and wife after marriage it is blessing from God and relationship prosper.
    Other thing woman is part of man no matter how we put it in words woman and man can not live without each other man and woman should follow God guidence to accommodate each other. Even though some of us get hurts both side man and woman but fact is we cab not live without even that get I’ll we have to stay as part one and care for each other it is hard to find and trust that is why God has to bless that marriage.
    I wished it never have happen life goes on never lose your desire to be happy and full fill your dreams pray is important which I come to realize. Blessing to all women and men

  • Chris Chris says:

    have been there…i understand where you are coming from. we understand for centuries women were taken advantage of in the marriage and family situation. praise the lord, jesus has come to bring us a perfect and holy balance! i pray your life as well as mine, reflects that perfect harmony only jesus can really bring. if you would like some personal attention on any matter you might have you can seek it at….

    powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/

    have a great day!

  • HAVE BEEN THERE
    WOMEN WITH HIGH ESTIME DIGNITY AND PRESTIGE WILL NOT TOLERATE ABUSE FOR TO LONG, IF THERE IS SIGN OF ABUSE IN A RELATIONSHIP SELFISHNESS WILL EMMERGE AS A SIGN OF PROTECTION, BECAUSE GOD CREATED FEMALE WITH THAT ABILITY TO SERVE AS BARRIERE PROTECTION TO SAY WHEN IS IT TO MUCH, THE HEART STILL LOVE WHILE THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCK TO PROTECT THE SANITY OF THE PASSION OF LOVE, DONT FORGOT TERUE LOVE CARRY PASSION

  • Chris Chris says:

    kara…being a married person myself, i have grown i believe in two áreas that i believe we all need to, insecurity and dependence. as followers of jesus we know that collosians 2.10 says we are complete in jesus, so being married really cannot make us any more complete than we already are so to me it must be an issue of insecurity of who i really am in jesus and dependence, not being able to depend on christ alone for my happiness. could it be we are trying to make too much out of sex and marriage and we arent seeing it for what God made it to be which is two people joined spiritually and yes physically for the proclamation of jesus in the earth that a married couple in christ can show the world a peace and unity that only comes through God? something to think about. it takes marriage to a totally other level. blessings!!

  • Kara P says:

    It’s hard when the ideal man needs sex and I’m the one with a husband who seems fine without it. We both waited until marriage. It was hard for me cuz I was a very affectionate person I grew up that way. Apparently that is my love language IV realized. My husband is a sweet, smart, loyal, wise, true man of God. He struggled with porn in his younger years but after giving his life to God his soph year of high school he stopped watching it and even stopped masterbating. Even today he does not struggle with it. He knows I love him as I cook clean listen spend time with him and make love. I don’t nag or take control. IV never been that way and My husband would agree. The only time I can try and take control is in the kitchen I’m a culinary student but I’m working on that even when I know I could mKe it better lol. Anyways. I’m 25 I weigh 120 I’m 5 feet and 4in tall I love staying fit and eating healthy as does my husband. So I promise I’m not a bitch and I haven’t let myself go. He is my best friend normally pretty happy as we both always try and put God first but IV noticed I struggle with this once a year. I start feeling unloved and unattractive. I get distant he doesn’t notice. I struggle with wanting to fix my need on my own cuz it’s so Much easier than getting rejected. I used to say, “im horny” and smile. He would help me out of course and did. Yesterday I confronted him if I haven’t been loving him the way he needs it he says he feels very loved. I told him how IV not felt comfortable asking him for sex knowing it seems like a job for him. He says, “it’s different when I ask you for sex I know I need to help you out so u can enjoy helping me out, but when you ask me for help it’s different I feel like I have to do all the work for you.” He also said, “it would help if you did not ask when I was tired and about to fall asleep.” I understand that but he is also so busy from work and when he gets home I wait let him relax and then it’s bed time. I don’t know what’s wrong with me or if it’s him or something I’m not seeing. Am I unrealistic wanting him to want me and initiate more. And also wanting him to enjoy helping each other out. He said I haven’t done anything or said anything to make him feel like its a job. I mean a vagina is more complex than a penis. I’m broken hearted and not sure what to do. I tried stripping and he laughed uncomfortably, he doesn’t like lingerie it makes him feel like he has to perform. IV sent him half naked pix and his response is, “cool thanks!” Or “wow! Thank you!” Am I expecting too much? I don’t understand!

  • Chris Chris Landwerlen says:

    sleepless tomcat….its good to have a bigger picture of what God is trying to do through us men in the marriage relationship and that is according to ephes 5, to love our wives as jesus does the church, totally unconditionally and with nothing in return. think about it. what does jesus christ get out of loving us as he does? what could we possibly give to him or offer to him that would make him any more complete than he already is. the obvious question is nothing. when we as husbands arrive to the point when we can give everything and receive nothing in return, then we will be coming into the very image of christ himself, which is God the fathers goal for us, not sex, not earthly happiness, not ecstacy, but christ in us in his fullness, the hope of glory. blesings!

  • Sleepless Tomcat says:

    As I read all of the responses, I see one good bit of advice: absolutely don’t sleep together with your wife until all is resolved sexually. I’m very tired of my wife being selfish and not offering herself and expecting me to deal with the frustration of being pent up and not being able to sleep a good night’s sleep. She seems not to care one bit about my misery and frustration with this. I have tried everything – apologizing for past things, to be romantic, purchase gifts like flowers, create a romantic environment, engage her in conversation to ask her what’s wrong and I get inconclusive answers or even get into an argument. I agree with Joe saying that it’s not good if the wife ignores the husband’s needs and expects the husband to be in a great mood like nothing happened the next day (meanwhile I’m miserable, cranky, and in a awful emotional state). Such a condition is not in line with how the Bible leads us to love each other unselfishly. I can tell you that in my relationship, in the beginning sex used to be totally fantastic and otherworldly and I still believe that we are an excellent match that way. However, due to some emotional injuries that happened to both of us some months ago amid some really awful fights, it has grown very awkward to the point now that our intimacy was hit and miss good, but now is no longer satisfying at all. We hit a wall and are now really battering the foundations of our relationship which I once thought was excellent and strong. I am very frustrated with her, and she in turn is frustrated with me too, and also very frustrated with myself when I react in a way that causes me embarrassment and awkwardness when I get denied sexual attention, and I’ll resort to praying to ask Jesus for guidance in this. Most often than not, it’s painted as me being the one who is at fault. I’m going to paste here something that Mike Johnson said that makes a lot of sense and is good advice: “Sometimes it’s good to give the spouse space too, a couple days to recharge (but not for too long, because then she will be too comfortable without it and thats never good). If your wife says no, go out somewhere if you can’t sleep or it bothers you that much. If a woman would let you leave in the middle of the night instead of making love to you or at least talking, you may seriously want to consider separating for a while until she figures out what she really wants… But that decision is up to you.” Separation in my case might be good. She has indicated that she doesn’t know what she really wants from me sometimes. I’m not going to let her get me pissed off anymore and have her way when I get mad and lose my patience. If she denies me, then I’ll deny her as well until one or both of us comes forward with a solution on how to repair the broken trust and other areas in our relationship that are damaged. Until the day comes that she wants to put aside her selfish attitude towards not wanting to have sex and not seeing sex as an important and critical part of our relationship, I’ll sleep alone in another room.

  • Chris Chris Landwerlen says:

    lisa…prayers that your husband will be the like the jesus you pray him to be and for all, that through some suffering, we will be made like Him. blessings!

  • Rashid says:

    I have been single for four year now and no sex and waiting for a woman whom i can give my heart first and she can give me hearther heart.My question is his man can win a woman heart? Sex, money, children what?

  • Lisa says:

    I am writing as a Christian woman who enjoys sex. At least I used to. I married late and kept myself pure (as close as I could because there were very tempting times) I guess I idealized what sex would be like after waiting and trying to follow God’s plan. I was so disappointed on my wedding night. It wasn’t the best time-it was over so quickly. I thought that there would be lots more of it throughout the year, but sadly, my husband didn’t want it as much as I did. It has been like this for years. I have grown to be quite resentful of my husband now and sex (even though I really enjoy it) is one of the last things on my mind. Why? Well I guess it boils down to the fact that I feel like I am a maid around our house. I cook, clean, work full time outside the home, study and take care of all the groceries/bills/insurance etc. What does my husband do? He’s a very good provider for our family but when he comes home, he sits, and sits and sits. I have begged him to go for counseling. He won’t. I have asked him to go for walks with me. No is the answer I get. Guess who plans any away time/date time that we have (which is not very often believe me) Yes, me! Now when he comes to me wanting sex, I have told him no. I cannot have an intimate relationship with a man who finds our relationship too much effort. I asked him after the birth of our last child if he would have surgery because I had major complications and didn’t want any more children. He refused that. So men, please understand that A. it really isn’t just one person’s fault-there are issues between both sides that need to be resolved and if only one party is committed to the relationship, then sorry, unless God gives you a miracle, it’s not going to happen. B-Make her feel special! I can’t tell you how many times I have commended my husband when he has finally helped around the house, told him how it makes me want to be with him etc. And it really does want me to spend more time intimately with him. He still refuses to help. C.-Take time to plan a weekend away. Yes, it may take time and effort but if you truly want the relationship to work, you need to do it. D.-Pray together-we don’t. He’s never been willing to even though he’s a Christian. E.-Make time to be with friends that will love and support you. F.-Realize that though a man needs sex to feel connected a woman will never feel connected unless you do things outside the sexual relationship for her. Make her feel loved and special.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Joshua, it sounds like you have some concerns about the level of honesty in your relationship. That is a rocky foundation to build your love on. If you don’t trust that she is telling you the truth then that is going to grow into other areas of your relationship as well. Open honest communication is a key to understanding one another. Let her know your concerns that she is hiding something from you. Be creative in the way you help build her trust in you.

  • Doris Beck Doris Beck says:

    Joshua,
    Have you ever thought that perhaps your girlfriend isn’t comfortable having sex outside of marriage but doesn’t want to seem like she doesn’t love you? You don’t say how old you are or how long you have been together but you definitely need to have that conversation and find out what is at the root of this. Sex within the context of marriage is a beautiful thing but pressuring her to have it outside of that committed relationship is definitely not a good thing for a healthy relationship longterm.

  • Joshua says:

    My girlfriend says that I’m perfect. I tried everything. Ive tried a more emotional approach. We don’t see each other allot but when we do everything is ok in our relationship. I bring flowers randomly,i listen to her, i communicate and ask her if I’m doing something wrong. But I’m perfect she says. It cant be my penis…she says thats perfect too. I asked her if its because of my job status she says no, it has nothing to do with money. Im trying to be a good man for her but i don’t know what else to do. We’re not having sex. I love having sex…especially with someone i love. But her not wanting to have sex with me that often makes me wonder if shes holding something back. Unless she just doesn’t know what she wants yet…or theres something wrong physically with her. Its driving me to be less confident and i fear that this will turn her off as well. Should i take her to do something exciting? Do you think shes ready fir a change in her life?

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    Thanks for the comments.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Joe, So how do your conversations about your sex life go? Why does she say she is not interested? How do you communicate your disappointment?

  • Lonely Joe says:

    Hi everyone!
    Sorry for jumping in with my own dilema, but here it goes…
    My wife and I did not have sex before marriage but did everything else. We had dated on and off for over 10 yrs. I knew her libido was low as she only “seeked attention” about every 1-2 weeks. Since being married (virtually to the day) she has not once wanted any attention in bed. We’ve been married almost 8 yrs now.
    She admits that she goes solo once in a while. It’s like a switch just shut off.

  • truman says:

    another article written from a woman lol this is why the divorce rate is so high and men must cheat

  • baron ben says:

    I marry on December 29/12/2013 when we got home every day she started crying.if I ask her what is wrong.she doesn’t answer me.jan 5th 2014 she call me early in the morning telling me she marry me not that she love me she knows that I love her so much that is why she marry me and she doesn’t want me to get hurt.but now she realize that they cannot manage love.telling me I should follow her go meet her father let me go collect my money because she doesn’t love me.i call her sister tell her she say we should go an meet one pastor,she refuse to go.at last she follow me.when we got there d pastor ask her she say she doesn’t love me.the pastor say we should go nothing God cannot do.please which advices can u give me

  • Doris Beck D. Beck says:

    Dear lj,
    Thanks for taking the time to visit and leave your comment. I’m not really sure which comments you were referring to when you said that you were ‘sick of men saying that a woman’s job is to “submit to him” and “give herself up to him.” From a biblical perspective, the concept of submission is aimed at everyone, men and women. And husbands are specifically told to love their wives as Christ loved the church which means to be willing to give up your life for your wife. Talking about submission outside of that context is never a good idea.

  • lj says:

    Well, I must say, I’m pretty sick of men saying that a woman’s job is to “submit to him” and “give herself up to him.” That’s revolting.

  • Tamira O'Neal says:

    #AgapeLove.. is the master key, to any relationship.! When both parties subdue AND master “Agape Love”, neither party loser! All other things, will COME in #PerfectOrder.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:-)))):-))))))):-)))XOXOXOXOXOXOXOxxxxxxxxxxxxx>3*.* “Seek ye first the kingdom of God AND His+RIGHTEOUSNESS, and ALL these THINGS shall be added unto you.”~Bible

  • Tim says:

    The problem is that lots of us are expecting the other to change before we will be what we are supposed to be. Many of you on the thread here are willing to try it out expecting a result. The problem is that we can’t try out obedience. Obedience doesn’t always give up the desired result and sometimes obedience is used to get what we want and therefore, not really obedience. We are simply trying to manipulating God into changing our spouse. Loving our wives as Christ loved the church may never change them and we have to be alright with that. We can’t make our spouse or sexual relief our god. We were created to seek pleasure and to only have it fulfilled in Christ. We sin because we seek satisfaction elsewhere. Who knows what result your obedience will have on your spouse but our obedience is for Christ and His glory, not for the sake of changing our spouse. And, love is a choice. We chose to love even when we don’t feel like it. That’s what true love is.

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Hi Tech, I can assure you that there are women on the other side of this issue as well. Just take a look at the comments on My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex and you’ll see that it is just as frustrating when women are the only ones trying to figure things out. Years ago I heard a speaker say that marriage is never 50/50 it’s always 100/100. Both partners need to be willing to be fully invested in the relationship, actively caring for and about their partner for a marriage to be healthy.

  • TECH says:

    How is it 50/50 if the man is always and the only one trying to figure things out? Weither its medical, physical, emotional, etetc. No matter the supposed reason, she has a brain just as I do. Why do I have to cater while she gets to roll around in her own selfishness. How about some active care and compassion actually loving someone by both individuals regardless of gender show they give a crape about one another. I see everywhere men being told that we have to figure it out and communicate and change. Screw that! If there is to be equality then all involved should be held to the same par.

    i agreed on this

  • TECH says:

    I AGREED TIRED HANK”

  • ole boy says:

    When dating women sex is not an issue. Why does marraige make sex an issue for women?

  • Mike Johnson says:

    You’re very welcome Sharon. Being a man that understands most women and how sensitive yet stong they are, it was a little hard to be so honest. It takes a men a long time before we learn to become more intimate in so many different ways. From the small amount of what you wrote it seems like you and your husband have a very loving relationship. Intimacy can easily be given, in all ways in a marriage. Intimacy can be as simple as sharing thoughts or how you feel about each other, although making love with your spouse is usually the best way to feel closeness and intimacy. That is not the case though always. It depends on your love language. I can suggest a book for you called “The Five Love Languages” it’s a great book and should help. With some more detail I can hopefully be of more advice.

  • Sharon Sharon says:

    dear mike johnson– thank you for your respond, it is nice to see a man’s repond so thank you again for this because i wonder on how my husband responds to wheh we don’t have intimacy is both of us because either i am not feeling well or my husband is tired from work. thank you again for your point of view

  • Mike Johnson says:

    .Coming from a male point of view, and someone who is a Christian man who is married, I must say that I agree and disagree with a lot of the comments. Sexuality is about maturity, not desire alone. It’s about getting to the point with yourself and questioning yourself… Is how I am FEELING worth stressing myself out over (men and women), or do I want to risk throwing my spouse into a world filled with temptation and lust (men and women also) ?? Communication is the key to a woman’s heart, and physical security is the key to a man’s heart. Men are tough, loving, protection for our wife, and other women in our life we care about (mother, sister, other family, etc). The Bible says when we become married we leave that behind to be joined to our wife and become one flesh. Since we are the strong physical men, who love and protect, we need that to be reciprocated, and the best way to do that is to make love to your husband women! Are you cooking for him, cleaning for him, taking care of the house like a good woman should, taking care of his needs in the bedroom? Christian or not, we are all human and if a woman isn’t meeting her mans needs a.) Another woman WILL or will TRY… b.) Your husband may one day consider he isn’t good enough for you and leave (yeah we are emotional too, just not like women)… or c.)You will both be miserable together until the issues are fixed. That is just the truth. Period. Women do you want your man in bed next to you thinking about other women or lusting after something (his own wife) next to you at night? Please, there are no excuses. A marriage is not a contract that says “I can have sex with my husband whenever I want…” Women you should be readilly and willing to submit to your husband whenever possible. Don’t risk the heartache. There is NO excuse for that. Most women probably think we just want to have sex for the act or the pleasure, and honestly for some men, that is actually very true… But to view your husband as such…? Or not meet his needs because of emotions…..? That has got to be the biggest pile of bs and the worst lie ever. Most men just take it because of love for the wife. Married men practice self control in a world filled with lust and attractive women… Every single day a man practices self control to be faithful to his wife, the one he loves. How much more emtional support and security could a woman want.. And then blame the man? This isn’t the garden of eden we live in, it’s th real world people. This isn’t a blaming it on lack of emotion or whatever other nonsense excuse. This is about why she doesn’t want sex, not “why a man can’t meet the emotional needs of a woman.” For men, yes making love is an important part of the marriage, but so are finances, compassion, and love just to name a few. That saying no thing goes two ways. As men, sometimes WE have to say no to ourselves. Sometimes our urges are so strong sexually they start to overpower us as men. Been there, done that. Sometimes it’s good to give the spouse space too, a couple days to recharge (but not for too long, because then she will be too comfortable without it and thats never good). If your wife says no, go out somewhere if you can’t sleep or it bothers you that much. If a woman would let you leave in the middle of the night instead of making love to you or at least talking, you may seriously want to consider seperating for a while until she figures out what she really wants… But that decision is up to you. It’s ok to seperate, just DON’T divorce (unless there are other issues after you seperate). Just because you are seperated doesn’t mean you have to hate each other, amd if it’s ever the wife that says you need time apart, give it to her, but don’t hesitate to. Get your things and leave. Go stay with a friend you trust. Fix things. Thats severe circumstance if it’s that bad. Seriously though, if you love your wife, don’t seperate! Romance her. That doesn’t mean the typical american roses and crap (unless its valentines day)… But really romance her. Cuddle more, give your wife massages, hold her hand and squeeze it sometimes (not hard though lol), get some nice music and play it around the house, light some candles in your bedroom when you sleep. Women love things like that and if it’s your wife she should appreciate the effort. Be charming and not demanding. Tell her how you really feel and be sincere about it. Do NOT EVER BE MEAN TO YOUR WIFE. If you have in the past spend the rest of your life making it up to her. This is the best advice I can give and I hope this does more good than harm. I hope this helps and one more thing… I know sex makes things difficult, especially in a marriage…… But men and women whatever you do, please stay away from lust and pornography. It kills intimacy in a marriage.

  • lucy says:

    I know this article is true as my husband has done exactly this in our marriage toward me as in he treats me like this article says to treat a woman and I love him so much I can’t get enough of him…I am thrilled to be handled with such kid gloves I think he is the greatest guy on planet earth and he is to me and I love making love with him as often and probably more often than he sometimes every day at least every other day anyway but this was not always the case…at one point I had completely lost my desire toward him as he never had his priorities straight it wasn’t until he learned to act like a godly man that I submitted to him happily…and because he had hurt me in the past it was up to him to allow me to grow secure with him and he has done that to his own uplifting!

  • Andrew Andrew says:

    @Angels, your view depends on which side of the fence you are standing on however when it comes to the physical anatomy of a man. I understand each human being is different as God made each one of us unique however I believe it would be safe to say when it comes to a man being physically attracted to a woman in most cases it is purely visual. In most instances for woman the attraction has more to do with mental,emotional, and based more on feelings.

    When it comes to sex men are simple as we are designed with visual in mind which I am sure you would not dispute that. This is the reason why there is a muliti billion dollar porn industry geared towards the male population. This is true in advertising as well as you look at any commercial geared towards the male always is visual via a pretty woman. Yes men can be complicated however in majority of cases when your talking about sex a healthy man is as simple as can be to figure out! God Bless,

  • angels says:

    @Andrew…what makes you say that women are complicated. I think as a female, I could say the same about men?!

  • Andrew Andrew says:

    @Gina sex outside of marriage as you are aware is a let down and the most important aspect in a relationship is the mans or woman relationship with Christ. Our culture lives in sexual culture where sex is king or queen however when we allow Christ and the Holy Spirit to work within us we learn to control the sexual part of it. When your relationship with Christ is correct then the other parts of life will come into play including the write man who will treat you as God’s child instead of something to lust after. God Bless

  • Andrew Andrew says:

    @Joe when I read your comments I notice something peculiar and which is how selfish you appear as you say my needs quite a few times as you seem to be thinking with the wrong part of your body. You seem to have only one thing and only in mind is how can you get sexual satisfaction from your wife as everything you do leads up to that.. and you wonder why she does not want to have sex with you because for you it is SEX not love.

    If she is denying what you think is your GOD given right then perhaps there is a reason for this. Woman are complicated and the answer to your burning desire is found in the Bible as the Bible offers and explanation on how we are to treat woman. If you decide to work on your spiritual it would give you wisdom and your desire to be fulfilled 24/7 will subside. In the scripture it instructs us to love our wives as Christ loved the church. Christ loved the church that he gave his life for the church which means that Christ served the Church. When I read your comments it seems that you want your wife to serve you instead of the other way around. When a woman denies it is because their is some hidden emotional reason from something which has occurred and this is why she is rejecting you.

    Unlike you were you flick a switch and you are raring and ready to woman are more complicated. For them it has more to do about being emotionally, mentally, and spiritually fulfilled and secure not just about being good in bed. When you deal with the lack of spiritual in your relationship then the others will follow. I am fairly certain all woman are the same in this manner yes you can change the woman but YOU still bring YOU with you. This is not how God planned marriage to be as I don’t wish to appear harsh however I am reading your comments and it is very evident to me your wife feels unloved by you as it may a past issue that has not been dealt with however if you ask Christ for wisdom and deal with the spiritual issues than God will reveal the answer for you as now it is your hormones which are getting in they way. It could also be something that occurred to your wife in the past which you are not aware of which is causing her to reject as it might be advisable to reach out and meet with a Christian counselor as often a third party will be able to get to the bottom of what the issue is. MOST important pray and ask God to give you wisdom through the Holy Spirit and if you allow him too the Holy Spirit will reveal to you what you should do. God bless

  • Joe says:

    You don’t understand, I have tried everything. We’ve had many conversations.I have spent the last year developing myself into a guy who enthusiastically meets her needs, tries to make an emotional connection daily, tries to seduce her with love and kindness and sweetness and also strong masculinity. The only thing she says that complicates our sex life is how frustrated I get when she says no. I understand that is a “boundary” for her, but it is more of a rule than the exception. So my question is, since God created this burning desire in me, and my wide is being more often than not selfish with giving herself up to me as God designed in marriage, then what “boundary” do I use to protect myself from getting worked up and no release? Do I say that nights she turns me down I will withdraw myself emotionally from her so that I am protecting myself from getting worked up again? Do I say I cannot go to work with only 4 hours of sleep due to being up all night struggling with my unfulfilled desires? She certainly will not have sex if I wasn’t completely perfect that day, so it must be ok for me to not have to contribute something I normally do in the relationship if she is holding back. I don’t want this to be a tit-for-tat, but I want to protect myself from restless nights that my wife is denying me. And I’d love tips on how to deal with the intense feelings I get lying next to her – so that I can sleep better and also not be frustrated with her!

  • Gina says:

    Dear Joe,
    If I were you, I’d plan for a change in life “for both of you” – needn’t be an expensive vacation, needn’t be sitting down to talk about what’s wrong in our sexual life – something better — plan together for a change for the better – simple commitment of time for praying together- hold hands and pray together about the things that bother you, bother her- and have a small discussion after prayer – little things to thank God for… ask God to show you how your lives need to change. Write down the praise.
    Check closely to see if complications have come into your relationship – it’s usually selfishness on both sides, pride and ego, hurt – suppressed feelings, cat and mouse chase for love and getting tired being the chaser or the chased !! and her husband prayed and discussed
    A friend of mine had this problem, she told her husband that she’s unable to talk openly what bothered her- she said she would write down whatever she felt and then they prayed about it… she wrote to him that they had different personalities but she wanted to try and see what they can do about it, and the things that hurt her, and that she didn’t know where she was hurting him … and that she was praying that God will help them find each other — sure enough they didnt have to sleep in different rooms from then on…

  • Gina says:

    I speak as a woman and as a cild of God who is learning about Him day after day- in easy as well as difficult ways — i just know that God is thee helping with the navigation and He’s not out to get us for our wrongs but is trying to make us better people.
    As a teenager, I was excited crazy about this new loving feeling– but when I first learnt what sex is, I was like uggghh… why cant there be just caring and hugs…
    And then I went on to have boyfriends.. sex was at first to make him stay…then sex became s fun thing, almost a day today need – but it made me feel empty at the end of it each time especially if after the sex he just rolled over and slept.. or said and did nice things only before the sex… or if he doesnt see it when I’m tired or hurt or bothered by something.
    I hope someday I find a guy who I will not have to say no to … someone who cares for me throughout the day and I care about too… someone I can pray with, share with, and love and be loved…

  • Joe says:

    I cannot sleep at night sometimes because my unmet sexual desires are keeping me awake. I try to keep my thoughts and my marriage bed pure of sin, but when I am lying next to my beautiful woman and she denies me sex with her I am greatly affected. What would my “boundary” be, if my wife continues to act selfishly and continue to deny my sexual advances? Also, I have an obligation to go to work right? Do I get to “choose” whether I do or do not want to go to work? My inability to get a good night sleep stems from lying awake next to a woman I am obligated to be faithful to, but has denied taking care of my sexual needs. So either I let that affect my work, or I sleep in another room? Please explain a solution for this dilemma. Thx.

  • Beth Scholes Beth Scholes says:

    Hank you bring a good point. It is not one person’s issue, if it effects the marriage it is an issue for both to work through together. Selfishness is definitely a problem that needs to be addressed. This article is written to broaden ideas of what could be the problem. There are many women who are asking “why don’t I want sex?” in a culture that is seemingly obsessed with sex, that question can be pretty deep, therefore this article is raising some ideas of why she may not want sex. This topic is immensely broad and very deep, no one article will cover all answers, but may give an idea that one can further investigate. Your comment on selfishness is important too. Individuals need to self examine, both men and women and ask how selfishness is contributing to the problem. I also hear you saying that men are too often blamed. For some men that is true for others it may not be, so with articles like this take what applies and learn, or continue looking for more answers. Bottom line both people need to take responsibility and work together as equals, respecting each other, self and the relationship.

  • Tired Hank says:

    How is it 50/50 if the man is always and the only one trying to figure things out? Weither its medical, physical, emotional, etetc. No matter the supposed reason, she has a brain just as I do. Why do I have to cater while she gets to roll around in her own selfishness. How about some active care and compassion actually loving someone by both individuals regardless of gender show they give a crape about one another. I see everywhere men being told that we have to figure it out and communicate and change. Screw that! If there is to be equality then all involved should be held to the same par.

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