The Five Levels of Intimacy
Does God care about your love life?
First comes love…or sex?
“First comes love, then comes marriage, then here they come with a baby carriage.” You may recognize this little rhythm my generation used to sing to embarrass each other. Based on today’s culture the rhythm could go: “First comes sex, then comes living together, and the baby carriage could happen anytime or with anybody, as does the sex.”
Casual sex has changed the landscape of relationships and marriage. Before 1960 most people saved sex for marriage, but now according to a recent survey, most people have sex before marriage. So how has this new trend impacted today’s marriages? First, the divorce rate: prior to 1960 the divorce rate was less than 25%, today it’s closer to 50%. As the rate of promiscuity has risen, so has the divorce rate. But secondly, and what this article will discuss is how casual sex has inhibited our ability to build emotional intimacy into our relationships, and how this emotional deficit is impacting marriages today.
The Five Levels of Intimacy
Psychologists have identified 5 levels of emotional intimacy we all move through as we get to know someone. They’ve been given several names, but for our purposes, let’s call them Level one through five, with five being the highest, or most intimate level.
Level One: Safe Communication
Level one is the lowest level of communication. We call it safe because it involves the exchange of facts and information. There are no feelings, opinions or personal vulnerability involved, and therefore no risk of rejection. This is the kind of interaction we have with people we don’t know well. It’s the chitchat we share with the clerk at the grocery store or a stranger at a party. People communicating at this level share minimal intimacy. An example of this level would be, “Lousy weather we’re having,” This is great pizza,” My team won last night.”
Level Two: Others’ Opinions and Beliefs
At level two we start sharing other people’s thoughts, beliefs and opinions. We are beginning to reveal more of ourselves through our associations. We say things like, “My mother always says…” or “One of my favorite authors said…” Such statements test the other person’s reaction to what we’re sharing without offering our own opinions. This is slightly more vulnerable than level one, but because we’re not sharing our own opinions we can distance ourselves from the opinion if we feel threatened by criticism or rejection.
Level Three: Personal Opinions and Beliefs
We start taking small risks at this level because we begin to share our own thoughts, opinions and beliefs. But like the previous level, if we begin feeling too vulnerable, we can say we’ve switched our opinions or changed our mind in order to avoid conflict or pain.
Level Four: My Feelings and Experiences
Sharing feelings and experiences is the next level of vulnerability and intimacy. At this level we talk about our joys, pain, and failures; our mistakes in the past, our dreams, and our goals. What we like or don’t like. What makes us who we are. This level is more vulnerable because we can’t change how we feel about something, the details of our past or current experiences. If we sense we may be rejected or criticized all we can do is try to convince others that we’re no longer impacted by our past. We’re no longer that person. We’re different now.
Level Five: My Needs, Emotions and Desires
Level five is the highest level of intimacy. It is the level where we are known at the deepest core of who we are. Because of that, it is the level that requires the greatest amount of trust. If I can’t trust that you won’t reject me, I’ll never be able to share my deepest self with you. Unlike the other levels, there is no escape at this level. Once I let someone see who I really am, I can no longer convince them otherwise. Communicating at this level means we offer someone the most vulnerable part of ourselves. And the greatest fear is that they could use it against us later. When we share things like, “I’m hurt when you don’t call,” I need to feel respected by you,” or “I want to spend my life with you,” we’re sharing not only our hurts but our desires and needs as well. It’s also the level where we let others see our emotional reaction to things, which if you’re like me, isn’t always a pretty sight. Maybe that’s why we save those for the ones closest to us, like our families.
True Intimacy
It’s important to understand that true intimacy in a relationship happens over time…not in a day, week or even a month. Think of your best friend…how long did it take before you felt at the highest level of intimacy with them, where you were able to trust them completely, or share your deepest self? It’s the same in romantic relationships…true intimacy develops over time. But another important element is needed for true intimacy…both people in the relationship need to move through the levels together. If I’m sharing at level four with someone (feelings and experiences) but my partner is sharing at level three (opinions and beliefs) we’re not experiencing true intimacy. I may feel closer because I’m sharing at a higher level, but in reality what we have is a false sense of intimacy. In truth, intimacy is measured by the person with the lower level of vulnerability.
Sex…A False Sense of Intimacy
When you look at the five levels, I’m sure you’d agree that the fifth or highest level is the healthiest, safest and most intimate place to have sex. When we feel loved unconditionally, and have the highest level of trust, we’ll be able to give ourselves completely to each other, increasing intimacy and the enjoyment of sex. We can have sex at the other levels, but without that same level of trust the vulnerability of sex may be associated with anxiety, fear and distrust. As I’ve led women through healing, I’ve discovered that they have the hardest time with sex if they’re not at this highest level with their partner, and if they’ve been wounded by sex with others in lower levels of intimacy, whether through abuse or their own choices.
So what happens if we have sex outside marriage before reaching that highest level, level five? Sex by itself is an intimate act. God designed sex to bond two people together spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally. In Genesis, God said that sex makes two people one. In essence He’s saying sex ‘glues’ two people together. Research on the brain and sex has validated God’s plan to bond people together with sex. During sexual arousal and release men and women release an amazing hormone called oxytocin. Scientists call oxytocin the hormone of love, the superglue that creates strong relational bonds. Releasing this hormone increases trust in a relationship, bonds people together, and causes intimacy. Oxytocin is also released in women when they give birth and when they breast feed their babies. You can see how God designed us to bond together in families to love, support and provide for each other.
When we have sex outside marriage before the highest level, we are creating a false sense of intimacy in our relationship. The sex makes us feel closer than we really are. Let’s say we’re at level three, where many couples start having sex outside marriage. We’re only sharing thoughts, opinions and beliefs at this level. Of course we may occasionally move up to the next level as we’re building trust, but until we’ve built enough needed, we’ll always gravitate back to where we feel the safest. The sex makes us feel close, but in reality we don’t know each other very well. We’re experiencing a false sense of intimacy. We’ll use sex to express our love, communicate and resolve conflict. And now it’s at this level of emotional intimacy that we’ll most likely stay.
In other words, emotional intimacy can get stalled at the level where we start having sex. Let me explain why. Emotional intimacy REQUIRES being able to risk conflict in order to move to the next level. Handling conflict in a healthy and safe way without being rejected is what allows us to build the trust needed to communicate at higher, more vulnerable levels. But now that we’re having sex, we feel close, and we won’t want to risk losing them. We also may feel that this is the one, and we won’t want anything to threaten this relationship. And so although we may occasionally move to higher levels, we’ll continue to fall back into that safe zone to communicate. We may sense that there’s something missing, but then with sex, we’ll feel that surge of closeness again, making us feel all is well…
And then we get Married…
When I first learned about intimacy levels, I was a sexual health educator going into schools and colleges teaching young people about saving sex for marriage. But God, the ultimate multi-tasker, began using what I was teaching others to show me what was happening in my own marriage. My husband and I had sex before we were married…very early in our relationship. Here we were now around 20 years married, and I was struggling with two things. First, I didn’t enjoy sex, and couldn’t understand why. Second, I didn’t feel emotionally close to my husband. In fact, I often felt lonely in my marriage and desired that we could share more deeply with each other. This was making me question a lot of things…I felt shame and regret for my past sexual partners, for having pre-marital sex with my husband, and I wondered if I’d married the wrong person. Why didn’t’ I enjoy emotional and physical intimacy with him? I was beginning to wonder if the sex we’d had before marriage had kept me from really discovering if he was my true soul mate.
Isn’t God so kind. Into my heart-felt secret pain, that only He knew, He brought the answer. I remember the light bulb going on when I first heard about the intimacy levels and sex. Instantly I understood that our emotional intimacy had gotten stalled between levels 2 and 3 where we first started having sex. This was why I never felt completely known by my husband, because he didn’t really know me, and I didn’t know him. The early sex had robbed us both of experiencing the highest level of intimacy and here we were 20 years later, still speaking for the most part just below the feeling level. Yes, we’d go there sometimes, but it was scary when it started creating conflict, and so I’d scurry back to that safe place…talking about the kids, money, what we’d do for the weekend.
Now I knew what was lacking…but how were we to get to that highest level of intimacy now, 20 years later? In my research I came across an author and counselor who taught on the intimacy levels. He said that he would counsel couples getting married who were having sex to stop and wait for marriage so that they could get to the highest level of intimacy. For married couples seeking his counsel who’d had sex before marriage, he encouraged them to take a fast from sex for a time so that they could get to the highest level of intimacy.
A Sex Fast…?
Sounds crazy, right? I thought so, but when I suggested to my husband that taking a fast from sex might improve our sex life, he was all for it. Mutually we agreed to fast for one month leading up to our 23rd anniversary, at which time we could come together. During that month we talked…a lot. We mostly talked about our sex life…and why I didn’t like it so much. But we also talked about many other things…things we hadn’t ever talked about. During that same time, I allowed God to take me through some sexual healing for my past choices and I discovered why I disliked sex so much. The wounding I’d experienced in past relationships had given me a negative view of sex, and I’d brought that into my marriage. With healing God exposed all the lies I’d come to believe about men and sex, and replaced them with His truth. And His truth set me free to love my husband, be loved in return and enjoy sex in a way I’d never known.
Even more, Eric and I grew emotionally. God allowed us to fast-track to that highest level of intimacy. We’re still growing in that area, now at 30 years of marriage. It gets better and better…as does the sex. I’m not saying it’s all perfect, and that we never fight, or that I am always ready for sex…because it’s not all perfect, and I don’t always want to have sex. But we both testify to the healing and transformation that God has done in our marriage. It wasn’t an easy journey, but so worth it!
What About You…
So what about you? Can you relate to our story, or see yourself in what I’ve shared? If so, regardless of where you are right now in your marriage, God promises even more…more intimacy, more love, maybe even more sex! If you’re marriage lacks emotional or sexual intimacy, pray and ask God what steps He wants to lead you to take towards more of both. Maybe like Eric and I, He’ll encourage you to take a fast from sex for a time so you can move to the highest level of intimacy. If you’ve been wounded by sex in your past, whether from abuse, trauma or your own choices let God show you how He can heal you so that it no longer keeps you from complete intimacy in your marriage. Whatever it is, God knows all about you, and your story. He knows exactly what you need to heal. I know, because He’s done it for us, and countless others. And He can and will do the same for you.
He’s just waiting for you to give Him permission to get started. I’m praying you will.
I promise…like Eric and I, you’ll reap the benefits of the MORE God has waiting just for you.
Barbara has written several books on this topic. For married women who resonate with this article, there is so much more, read Kiss Me Again. Buy it here. Barbara’s book called The Invisible Bond explores more about sexual bonding, why it is harmful, and how to move freely into your future. Buy it here. Check out Barbara’s website here.
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[...] (this is an interesting article on the topic, I’ve not had much time to ponder it: http://powertochange.com/familylife/articles/sex-romance/the-five-levels-of-intimacy/). The other hazard of premarital sex I’ve become aware of is how it leaves just that much [...]
Hello boyfriend 2012,
I don’t know if you realize it but I think that you have actually answered your own question. You wrote, i cant see myself marrying her as is and she refuses to change. That’s it right there, in a nutshell. You love this girl and love is powerful and hard to let go of but you also know that you don’t want to be married to her as she is and she seems unwilling to change. It’s important to remember that we are on our best behaviour during the dating phase of a relationship. THis is the “honeymoon” phase, after this it gets harder. Working through the hard times you can get to a really amazing place of love and trust and respect but keep in mind, this is supposed to be the easy part. It doesn’t feel easy does it?
I not doubt that you love her, but contrary to what the songs tell us, love is NOT all you need. You also need trust, and mutual respect. You need communication and compromise and dialogue and acceptance. Both partners need to be willing and able to admit their mistakes. You need to be able to disagree and argue and fight without attacking each other. I don’t see these qualities in what you have described here. You said that everything is your fault, that she attacks you as being too emotional, that her apologies seem insincere. It’s hard to build a lifetime together on a foundation like that. Unless your willing for it to always be your fault. Some people choose that route but it’s a hard road to walk.
From what you’ve written here it sounds like she does not respect your responses and emotions and that’s a red flag. I’d give a woman dating a man who did that exactly the same advice. Respect on both sides is key. If someone dismisses you, your thoughts, feelings and emotions then it’s hard to ever have a situation where you work together toward a compromise. When you marry someone you’re supposed to be on the same team, you’re supposed to work together. It does not sound like she is open to working with you, she seems to prefer blaming and shaming you instead.
You sound like you have a pretty clear picture of what you want in a spouse. Dating is supposed to be a way to find out whether or not someone is a potential mate. It sounds like you have the answer to that question. Your confusion doesn’t come from not knowing, it comes from not liking the answer. My advice to you is this: decide what you want and what you’re willing to put up with. If you do not want to be married to someone who acts the way your girlfriend does then the way to change that is to stop being in this relationship and look for someone who DOES behave like someone you’d want to be married to. I know that it is no small thing to walk away from someone you love, but you can’t get married hoping that they will change. She is being very honest about who she is and what she intends to do. It’s up to you to decide whether or not you’re willing to take her as she is. If the answer is no then it’s time to walk away.
so i just found this thread. I read the post by husband 2012 and your response, and i identify with him though i am not yet married or even engaged. i found the girl that i want to marry, and she has the ability to make me feel like the luckiest man alive or like a complete and utter waste of space. i am only looking for advice online because i really want to make it work with this girl but i cant deal with things as they are going. we have both lied to each other at points in our relationship and even though we agree to never bring it up again after the fact she is constantly throwing my past wrongs in my face. i am always to blame for most issues in our relationship, and when im not i get an insincere apology and she tells me things like get over it or im not going to get on my knees and cry because i messed up, but i feel like she expects me to do exactly that. we have both been hurt by past partners and it has left scars that i am aware ofand some im sure that im not in her case, but she uses them as an excuse for acting the way she does and when i try to explain to her that though the scars will hinder her she should try to change for the well being of our relationship, and her response is more often than not that if im looking for something different that there are plenty of other girls out there and that i should go be with them instead if im not happy… i really would like to marry my girlfriend and when she isnt jumping down my throat or randomly bringing up past situations she says that she really wants to be my wife but i cant see myself marrying her as is and she refuses to change, or to even work on changing with me, because i know im no saint myself. whenever i want to talk about our relationship she always gives me this exasperated expression like she would like me to shut up which makes me want to just end it on the spot… and according to her me being so “emotional” is unattractive, but im of the belief that there should be a strong undercurrent of positive emotion in any relationship. so im not trying to bore you with every excruciating detail of my relationship but i am just at the end of my rope and i dont know what exactly to do. i love my gf in the best way that i know how but i cant take this and before i lose any more of myself to this relationship i will leave her if i cant find something that yields some type of positive results. so having said all of this can you or anyone who is paying attention to this thread supply any serious advice.
Hi Laura, it is very hard for a person to change when they refuse to admit that what they are doing is wrong. Jesus said that God is the one who helps people realize their sin. That’s why His Spirit has been referred to as the “Hound Of Heaven”. Francis Thompson wrote a poem by that name and in it he describes how he tried to ignore God but Found that just like a blood hound is relentless in the pursuit of prey, so God is relentless in pointing out our sin. Can I suggest that you pray that the Hound of Heaven step up the pressure on your husband? That God would not allow him to be comfortable in the hurtful ways he treats you? Pray that he would not be able to ignore God’s conviction but that he would acknowledge his sin and repent.
Lord God I pray for Laura’s husband and all the ways he has justified his selfishness and cruelty. Don’t let him rest Lord. Don’t let him gain any pleasure in his sin. Burn into his mind the cruelty that he is showing to Laura and the terrible example he is leaving for his son. Pursue him Lord and bring him to repentance. Bring healing to this family and may Your love be the defining characteristic of this marriage. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Husband2012, you have a big dose of FEAR! You need to leave this woman. Or just man up and give her an ultimatum. Either she changes and gives you what you need and deserve or you are done. And that’s that. You subconsciously value her more than you value yourself and that’s why you tolerate her [expletive removed]. You probably think you won’t find another woman like her if you leave…but you owe it to your subconscious and emotional well-being to get a woman who will treat you like you deserve. Do not expect her to change. People rarely change (since it’s HARD) and think about it, in a new marriage this is how she acts so soon?? Do you think it will get better with more time? It won’t. Not until you change. She’s too comfortable with you and thinks she can do whatever she wants. You haven’t given her a reason to respect you and it’s clear that she doesn’t respect you. She’s probably screwing a stronger man than you. Some women don’t respect until you are STRONG and show them that you won’t deal with [expletive removed]!! You have to be FIRM with her and just cut all initiative of intimacy period.
This is a tough situation but take it from me, I was where you are now. I wasn’t married but I had a gf that was similar to your wife. No amount of “trying to fix it” on my part worked. It wasn’t until I changed that she came running toward me, but by then it was too late. Since that relationship ended (I was fearful before ending it) my emotional well being has changed dramatically. I have since faced my fears and worked on becoming a stronger, less shy man that better understands women. It’s not an easy road. But emotions aren’t real. And I’ve since found the love of my life. Someone who treats me with respect and dignity. Leave her my friend. It’s not the end of the world for a relationship to end. What do you value more? Yourself and your dignity and emotional well-being? Or holding on to some marriage that society might look from the outside and say you’re successful since you’re married…when deep down you feel like [expletive removed]?
Value yourself highly my friend and man up.
My husband has had lots of relationships with other women before we married and I had none. Now, 28 years later, we are still together, but for me it’s been a long, miserable marriage. He claims to love me but cannot seem to stop bringing up his former girlfriends at every conversation with friends or family. It makes me uncomfortble. He also watches a lot of porn. It used to be pictures, magazines and video and now it’s the internet. I have confronted him but to no avail. He is not like the people you talk about in your article, that they feel shame and remorse. He is proud of his previous conquests and experiences. He does not believe that there is anything wrong with having slept with a bunch of women. He also watches a lot of porn even though I told him that it’s adultery and I feel betrayed. As a result, I have a hard time wanting sex with him and usually rejects him. His past relationships and current cyber relationships puts me off. He would then use this excuse (lack of sex with me) for watching porn. I am totally disgusted with him. I have mentioned divorce many times over the years and actually left him once several years ago, but he told me that he would stop. I went back to him, also because we have a young son. But he never stopped. I confronted him with it again and he denied ever saying that he would stop. He said that I was the one who said he would stop. Now when I say divorce, he said that he would kill himself, but would tell everybody first what a mean person I am to cause him to do this. What would you suggest in my situation. There is no way he would go to counselling or get help. He doesn’t think he is doing anything wrong.
Hi Husband2012, you are right, there are no easy answers. As with most relationship issues, the path to a healthier marriage is communication that leads to a deeper understanding of each other. I am sure that you have tried to talk to her about your concerns but what I am suggesting is that you become a student of your wife. Study who she is and investigate why she does the things she does. Plan out questions that you can ask her that will lead her into sharing about her past and her emotions. There are reasons for her unwillingness to move through the levels of intimacy and your job as her husband is to help her uncover what those reasons are. She doesn’t even have to know that you are doing it but create moments and environments where the questions you ask fit naturally. Pour all of your passion and love for her into this investigation with the purpose of helping her be set free from the things that are holding her back from experiencing true love and intimacy.
As a Husband who loves and respects his wife, how do I break through to her? I would say I’m bouncing between Level 4 and 5, while my wife is Bouncing between level 1 and 5. We perhaps both have our own self image problems. We formed our relationship rather quickly, we moved in together after 4 days and were married after 6 months. I love her and adore her, she seems to love me. But she is so quick on the draw with criticism, harsh words, and erratic anger. It feels like she walks around spinning a loaded pistol and will blast me in the face at the slightest provocation (either real or imagined). She seems flat out scared of intimacy in that I have to flat out ask her to touch me, we are only intimate about once every 4 to 6 weeks, and If I were not trying it would not be happening at all, she wont kiss me (that hurts) she wont sleep in bed with me (that scares me) She spends more energy either pulling away or pushing me away than she does letting us grow closer. She discusses past intimacy with other men before our marriage and expects me to be ok with it, she says things to me that she would never accept me saying to her. I feel a double standard where i’m always the jerk, no matter what the situation, its like…. She already has made the decision that SOMETHING is going to set her off and invariably it does, my only hope is that it will be someone else and not me, that way I only catch the edge of the storm.
I dont know what to do. I hurt so deeply, she does not respect me, she knows me in my most secret heart, she know all my flaws and strength, I have granted her access within my most vital energy where my heart is most fragile, She does not seem to even understand what this is.. She has no hesitation to throw things from the past in my face, while I refuse to use my knowledge of her to hurt her emotions… She holds NOTHING back. it feels like she has to demolish me in order to try to dominate me and win a fight that only exists in her own mind. What do I do? A sex fast is useless because I have been living on one of those for the majority of the past two years. I just want here to be present here with me. How is it possible for someone to be 20 feet away but feel like they are on the moon. Am I a coward for not just leaving? Am I harming her by being here when my heart tells me she doesn’t want me here any more than she wants to be here? I’m seriously feeling damaged by this, my self esteem is a memory. I gave all of my power to here in the hopes of increasing her confidence and now she has that power shaped into a dagger and its pressed to my throat cutting, I feel the drops of blood falling away. There is no easy solution, nobody is perfect but when two people both want to be there, the sky is the limit.. When it becomes a strange circus where one party in the marriage feel entitled to rage around like a bear, and expects the other side to cower… then obviously something is broken. My only question is HOW do I fix this? should I run away or stay and continue to try to find the answer as I have been for the past two years? She refuses to talk, it all just turns to anger and blaming me. I am the faithful one, I don’t maintain email conversations with my exe’s like she does. I am here and committed But she is flying miles away and I don’t know how to reach her. HELP
Hi Toni, what do you think your husband would say if he had to evaluate your marriage? What would he identify as the strengths and the weaknesses?
Hi Di, I know it is ‘bad form’ to disagree with someone when they are pouring out their heart as you have here but can I make a correction that I think is important? It is not that your husband is ‘emotion less’ but that he deals with his emotions differently than you. As a human, he has emotions whether he wants to admit it or not. They may not be a strong as yours and he may not let them show like you do but there are feelings and emotions that influence him every day. In fact, his inability to share his feelings is very likely the result of some emotions that he has.
One of the beautiful (and frustrating) things about marriage is that God brings together two people who have different strengths and challenges in their lives in order that together we are able to be so much more than we could be a part. God was not ‘asleep at the switch’ when the two of you got married. There is something that you need from your husband and there is something that he needs from you. If you focus on how frustrating the differences are between you, married life will be difficult. But if you search out what beautiful things God intended when He brought the two of you together in the sacred union of marriage you will both begin to flourish in ways you never thought possible.
Become a student of your husband. Explore who he is and what makes him tick. Ask God what He wants you to know about your husband and how you are called to help him. Talk to him about how he sees God refining the two of you through your marriage and ask what you can do to help him become the man God wants him to be.
John wrote, “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.” (1John 3:16) Jesus set the example for your love. He will help you by putting that same love in your heart for your husband so that you will be able to lay down yourself for him.
I know the feeling! I still do not like sex, as it is even hard to say the word. Everytime I see artilces about sex I kringe at the thought. I use to be married but am now single and will stay that way, as I can serve my master more. he has healed me from my divorce and marriage that I had, that i was raised to not have sex before marriage and I obeyed my parents in that area. I was not a believer then until after my separation from my ex-husband. We were only married one year, as it did not go well and I was not interested in sex even when we were married. I never did and still do not like it, even though it is a gift from God. So! That is why I stay single and serve Him more. he has delivered me from that area in my life.
I’ve been married for 14 years and I too feel really lonely in my marriage. I don’t like sex, as a matter of fact, I actually kind of hate it and only have it to satisfy my husband. I have prayed for many years for God to heal my relationship with my husband and myself. I don’t hate him, I just stay really angry and triggered with him. I don’t desire him anymore and I really feel like he does not desire me, I think he wants sex to satisfy his physical desires. We don’t kiss during sex when we do have it. I find this really strange because I feel that kissing is more intimate than sex. There is no affection between us and all he wants is sex. It has made me feel resentful towards him and a result, I’ve started to shut down and not have sex period. I’ve expressed that I desire passion and real intimacy, I think it just goes in one ear and out of the other. I have sexual fantasies about other men, and I don’t know why. I have had sex with strangers in my dreams and feel really guilty about this. This is not normal and I’m drowning. We have seen marriage counselors, had individual therapy and we both are Christians. I don’t know how to pray for what we need in our relationship. I’ve prayed to God for clarity, wisdom, intimacy, and I still don’t have these things with my husband and I really don’t know how much longer we will last. Someone please help, and please prayer us.
Please,please offer advise. Direct me on who to talk to. I have to make this short because my heart is breaking. I am a level 5, my husband level 1. We have been married 12 years and are nothing but best friends. We truly love each other, but he is emotion less. I have talked (and cried)to him about this many times, he says he’s sorry, he will try to do better. On top of this, there is no intamacy or sex. Maybe once a year if I am lucky. I can’t take it. He is such a perfect husband otherwise, but I am empty and broken inside. All my family and friends think our marriage is “perfect”. We are both in our late 40′s and are Christians. Where can we find help? I have bought books and given to him…he just doesn’t have a passion for reading or me????? Please help
Dear Haley, Thank you for being so brave in opening up about your present issue of concern with your husband and your past abuse as well. Yes! God desires for you to be healed from those old wounds so you and your husband can have and experience a wonderful, loving relationship.
It is good that you are going to seek counseling. It is a step in the right direction in dealing with the past abuse. We have a few additional articles that will be of help to you by this same writer. I have provided the link for you below.
http://powertochange.com/family-life-canada/abuse-feel-this-way/
At the end of the article, you will find additional readings and several of her books as well. The more you educate yourself the more prepared you will be going through the process of being healed and set free from the scars of your past. The Lord wants to heal all your wounds so you can live the better life He has for both you and your husband.
Please pray for me. Me and my husband have been married for 2 years. We are both christians. We had sex before marriage and we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. Now it has faded because I struggle with being intimate with him. He tries so hard and loves me so much but I continue to push him away which hurts him in return. I have past wounds that need to be healed and I am going to seek counseling because I don’t want a divorce. This has been a pattern in previously relationships with me. I believe God can heal me and will. Please pray for us. I really want a desire for my husband but most of the time I don’t. Thank you
an article to think about, i love theses articles that get posted here
Whilst I completely agree that waiting is better.. I can’t seem to practially do it. I’m a man who gets aroused really quickly(even holding hands sometimes). And so simple (not french) kissing for some time can really create inentsity. And then so as not to climax I pull away.. but then it leaves me really furstrated. The frustration doens’t make a relationship enjoyable. Not to mention when there is any physical intimacy i’m having to think about what not to do. Really annoying coz I used to see sex as fun (i’ve had one sexual relationship) and now i don’t. i’m 32 and i don’t think I can feel close to someone without at least some form of sex..
Thank you for posting this.
Thanks for your insight Gina, why would you say that waiting for marriage is not necessary? What value do you see a relationship gaining by sexual intimacy outside of a lifelong commitment to one another?
I found this article very interesting especially because I found myself in extremely dysfunctional relationships with men in the past. Over the past few years I have been building a sense of identity and healing my past wounds so I can be the best I can be for someone… after I found that my dating consisted of no real closeness that I desired. Now, I do not necessarly agree that you need to wait until marriage to have sex, but I do think that you need to at least get to the stage 5 as you were referring to. I can see that by going with our culture of immediate gratification can leave you feeling empty in relationships. I can see how valuable waiting until you can express your needs, desires and emotions before you engage in sharing your entire being with someone (sex) because of the closeness that is associated with having sex I can see how that can be detrimental if it is acted on before you even know eachother deeply. I have had experiences where sex was brought early on in my relationships (due to poor relationship skills) and the relationship suffered and staginated at a superficial level.
Amy,
I wont pretend to say I know what you’re going through, but I know all things are possible with our God, if he can make the world an creation with a word; I know he can give you a renewed relationship. Check out these sermons on marriage and the friends part! God bless and have faith
http://marshill.com/media/real-marriage
dear amy– my sympathys, prayer God i pray for amy right now be with her and surround her during this time i can’t imagine on what you are going through i am praying for you
I have no idea what intimacy and sex is, even though I’ve been marriaed 45 years. When the ‘I Do’s’ were over and the wedding night was over my marriage fell apart. I was told my husband thought sex was disgusting, messy, smelly had no meaning, no excitement, and way to much work for so little. Then he moved all of things to the basement and traded his day job for a midnight job. All of this nappened in a 72 hour period. We haven’t talked in years! I should have left him but I was young and stupid. I ve had all these years to think about my life and now its to late. In my mid 60s and I don’t care about sex, intimacy or anything any more. I do my own thing and he does his. He and I ruined my life, I know it will all end some day.
Amazon.com is a good place to start developing the skills I recommend. A very good book that i reccommend is “The Passion Trap”
So JD where do you suggest people go to develop those skills?
Seems to me like the rectification of all of these emotional intimacy problems lies with learning relationship management skills and a little psychology. People train for years to ecome lawyers doctors and to grow their careers. But how many of them devote time to relationship management and learning first self-awareness and assertiveness? If you are not self-aware, intimacy with other people will be hard because it will be difficult for you to self-disclose things about yourself which you probably don’t know or understand. Sex might add to the confusion, particularly for women because women feel connected after they have sex. But if you don’t understand yourself, your deep-rooted emotional problems from childhood or failed relationships or failed friendships, and if you don’t completely understand their impacts and deal with them….if they impact your cognitive system without your understanding, your partner will suffer from confusion from your neuroticism and seemingly erratic behavior. Conflict management and saying things that you find critical of your partner, but in ways that are constructive is the key to dealing with issues. But you can only do so much. If your partner is incapable or unwilling to do this hard work too then it’ll be hard to reason with them and you will get frustrated. This is why I recommend while dating to have a clear clear clear sense of what you want and the characteristics in a partner that you want especially as it retains to constructive conflict management and emotional intelligence. This skills are paramount when times get tough. So many women believe that a relationship is like a Disney fairy tale, and any criticism from a man means he loves you less. That’s not the case at all… I think the reason why a,ot of people cannot be more level 5 has to do with a lack of them knowing the answers to level 5 questions, having the confidence to admit weakness, and having too much pride to tell their partner the real deal. My point is you can remove sex from the equation and still have a relationship that falters if the partners don’t learn the necessary skills to have successful level 5 relationships. So I say learn the skills, have tough conversations, and have lots of emotional sex!! Do your part and learn and train….just like you trained in college for your degree. Success isn’t random. It takes work.
Michele why does your husband resist going to level 5? Do you think there is something in his character that resists or something that he has learned? Do you think he recognizes the problem?
Very interesting. Never read anything like this before. I’ve often stated to friends that the closeness or distance in my marriage has always been dictated by what my husband needs or wants at the time. He’s never gone to level 5 on his own accord without much pushing from me in an effort to understand what I’m doing wrong that he won’t emotionally invest in our relationship as much as I. I’m realizing the issue isn’t mine but his. Here’s the problem; I’m willing and wanting to be at level 5 with him, but feel like I have to drag him there and he never stays there for long if I do manage to coax him there. So, while I’m ata 5, he wavers usually somewhere between 2 and 3. He rarely even goes to 4, let alone 5!
Here’s another issue I just realized. I’m the one who used sex to bond to try to make up for the lack of true intimacy. It’s something he also has avoided much of our marriage- sex. It’s been a huge source of conflict between us. It helps me feel closer to him and loved. I live the sex itself, but I’m realizing it’s more than that. It’s my way of compensating for feeling so disconnected and lonely
I confess I’m a bit more afraid now for our marriage that’s been hanging by a thread for quite a while now. I thought more sex would fix us. Now I’m understanding it’s only a band-aid on the real issue. I’m scared because he will resist growing closer emotionally even more than he does sexually. I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t think I can. I know I can’t alone and I know I will be the only one to try.
Maybe it is time to just give up and move on: its either that or resolve myself to lifelong lonliness and misery. This isn’t what I expected or wanted from life.
Hi Lannie,
So sorry to hear about the situation you are facing with your new husband. To wait so long and not give in to temptation while waiting to get married is so honorable in the eyes of God. God knows all that you are going through at this time and the pain and heartache you are experiencing because of your husbands rejection towards making love with you. Has your husband given you any “specific” reason as to why he is annoyed? Maybe it has nothing to do with you and is actually a problem that he is dealing with in regards to his performance. He is older and some men at his age begin to have problems in this intimate area of lovemaking. If he has not made love with you during those 15 months of dating and has been abstinence for a period before meeting you maybe his desire is not as high as it once was and he just realized that once you wedded and made love with each other. Try to talk with him a bit more about your concern. I hope that he will be receptive in opening up so the two of you can become one and enjoy your marriage, as God would have it.
Lannie, Do you have a close girlfriend to talk to about this situation? God does not expect us to go through life bottling up all our heartache. Having someone to share this sorrow and grief with will aid you through it. You do not need to settle as your other Christian friends have decided to do. Maybe God is going to use you later on in helping those women reconnect with their husbands as He heals and restores you and your husband in this very important area of intimacy between husband and wife. My husband is older and things are not the same as they had been in this area now. However, we have learned to reconnect in being intimate with one another in a completely new way. Maybe your husband is more aroused in the morning hours than in the so-called ‘typical/usual’ hours at night. As the body ages by evening he might just be to wiped out for love making. There is beauty to be found in these later years in discovering what works best for both spouses. I pray that you and your hubby discover what works for the two of you.
At this time, I would like to pray for you.
Father God, I pray for your beloved daughter Lannie. As you know she feels so disappointed and rejected by her new husband. I pray that You will heal and restore whatever the problem might be that is between her and her husband in being intimate with one another. I pray that if Lannie’s husband needs to go see a doctor regarding anything that might be causing this dissatisfaction that You would prepare his heart and mind in seeking out such help. Lannie waited many months to be with this man and did not break her promise to You in being obedient, abstinence and waiting till they wedded. I ask that You would doubly bless Lannie for her obedience by working a miracle in her new found marriage. I pray that as Lannie continues to share this heartache and sorrow with You that she will find courage to open up and talk with someone else as well like she did with us. Father God as written in your Word, “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth-for your love is more delightful than wine.” (Songs of Songs 1:2) May You reignite the romance, the chemistry, in Lannie’s marriage. I ask that You fuel their intimacy with restored affection and passion for each other. May You be the cord of love that bonds them together as husband and wife…filled with compassion and love for each other. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen
Lannie, If you do not feel comfortable about sharing this grief with close friends, we have private online Mentors that will be very glad to encourager you along. Let us know how thing go once you talk with your husband further regarding your concerns.
12 Days married today after dating 15mo and waiting. I’m 51 he’s 63. We struggled to stay and slipped slightly a few times. Never all the way! The desire & passion was there. We talked and opened up about likes/dislikes. It was all we could do to wait. By our second day of marriage, my expectations and desires were crushed… He is not interested… We sleep apart now, he seems annoid, I hide the tears. The few times we have attempted sex, how frustrating. I am utterly wounded. I waited, holding out best I could to honor my God. It was hard for us both. Now he don’t touch me, unless he want quick oral satisfaction. We live in our new home as roommates…silent, apart, phony, wounded, scared… My heart is breakin. It’s hard to talk to him without anger fears. TV is his focus. Before marriage, we were full of passion and desire. He stopped. I am starving for all kinds of inimacy. What do I do? Just grin and bare like most of my other Christian Wife friends? My sex drive is high. I waited 20yrs for my husband, sylibut… Breathlessly Tearful…..
Hi Laura,
I can understand the tension that you must be feeling. Relationships are complicated, and relationships post-divorce are doubly complicated. You have one major advantage here. This man has been very upfront and honest with you. He is not playing games, he has not hidden anything and that is very healthy. He has told you what he wants: he wants to be with you and he wants to not be married. Now you have to decide what you want. If you want to be married and he wants to not be married this is unlikely to end with the pair of you getting married.
You said that you do not believe that God intended for you to be single for the rest of your life. I think that’s probably accurate, but be careful not to draw a false conclusion – this lovely man that you are currently dating is not the only chance you’ll ever have to be happy. It might feel that way, but he is not. He is someone important and he’s someone that I imagine you care for very greatly. But if you want marriage and he wants not marriage, there’s no compromise on that – unless you compromise on your desire to be married. It’s like having a baby – there’s no middle ground. If one partner wants one and the other doesn’t, someone is going to be disappointed.
I don’t know where things are in your heart or in your head, but I know for myself that sometimes when I say to God “I don’t know what to do!” what I really mean is “I know what I should do but I don’t want to because it will hurt so tell me something different.” You said that “I believe that God came to give me life and life at its fullest” and I completely agree with that. So the question is, would not being married to this man be life to the fullest? It can be very, very tempting to think, “But he’s such a great person, if I just stick around and am patient I’m sure that in time he’ll change his mind.” But that’s rarely what happens. Think of all the people who date people who claim that “they’re going to get that divorce any day now”. How often do those women wait for years for someone who never intended to end their other relationship? In your case you’re not waiting for an answer from him, you have your answer. What you need to figure out now is what to do with it.
What do you really, truly want? What are you willing to wait for? What are you not willing to compromise? How full do you believe that life to the fullest can really be? Only you can answer those questions, and once you do you’ll have a ruler to know whether or not this relationship measures up. Just be careful to measure what IS, not what maybe, possibly, could be at some point in the future. As they always say, you can’t date potential. You have to date reality. Can I pray for you?
Father, I pray for Laura. You know the love she has in her heart and the pain that she has gone through in the past. You know that she longs to have someone to share her life with, someone to honour you with, someone to form a new family with. You know the way that she has ached and you’ve seen all the work she has done to heal and learn from the experiences she has been through. She is standing on your promise that you have really, really good plans for her. You’ve seen how she has given up something good in pursuit of your best – even though the whole world would tell her that she was doing nothing wrong, she has held yourself, and this man, to your standard. I pray that you would give her strength and wisdom now. Show her what to do. Be close to her as she chooses the direction of her life. Let her home be one that honours you and grant her grace. May Laura’s home be filled with love so that all who enter see how good you are. In your name I pray, Amen.
I hope you can give me some advice about my situation. I met someone in a Divorce Recovery program last year as I was going through my divorce. It was a 21 week program that I went through twice (lol). So did he. My divorce was finalized a week prior to our last session. We had exchanged numbers prior to that, however, never contacted. I contacted this person about a week after our last session because he said that he offered to use his plow to create a garden for my mom in her yard. She lives very close to her. So we met at her house so he could see property and then asked me out to dinner afterward. This was in April. Over time, we have spent more and more time together, and now spend 24/7 together (except for work). This led into us having sex. But soon after we both acknowledged that we must stop having sex because it is a sin against our own body. I shared with him that I believe that God came to give me life and life at its fullest. I believe that sex is a part of that scenerio when we do it as God intended. I know that God has my very best in mind and wants to give me the desires of my heart. I felt like we reached all 5 levels prior to this happening, however, I he responded by telling me that he doesn’t know if he EVER wants to get married again. He wants for us to continue spending all of our time together, do everything together, (being involved in every part of eachother’s lives including family gatherings, holidays, etc…)I am feeling devastated and confused about my furture. I do not believe that God intended for me to be single the rest of my life and I need some advice as to what to do?
Laura
Great post. I do agree quite a bit and whether what you’ve written is all factual or your personal opinion, I too agree that sex does give people a false sense of intimacy. Still, not only sex but often times sexual desire.
Hi Sirin
I am 42 year old and have four children ranging from the age of 1-14 years old. My husband had extra marital affairs outside our marriage since 2009. When I found out about his affairs with another married woman I was really hurt and devastated. On the 3rd year of our problem I decided to turn all my pain over to God. Yes I retaliated when I first knew about his affairs with another woman. He is now a very angry person who told me in the face that he will never reconcile with me and will never love me again. As I have recommitted my life to God, I turned everyting to God and surrender to His will. My husband is very stubborn, unloving and unforgiving, eventhough I had forgiven him for his unfaithfulness to me. I continue to ask God to help love him and see him thru His eyes. Please help me on how I should help my hubby be forgiving and loving.
Thanks for stopping by Jessica and for taking the time to leave your comment.You give an important perspective on marriage as seen through your eyes.
I know that as a teenager I too really struggled with my parent’s relationship and you are right, it is very difficult as a daughter to watch what your mother is going through and wonder about her decisions or lack thereof.
Do you have someone to talk to about what you are walking through? If not, please know that we have a great team of online mentors here on this site that would love to listen, pray and just walk alongside of you. Just go to http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ and fill out that form and one of them will email you back.
hi sirin
i am a teenager now and i know that many of you will think that i know nothing about marriage and all but i have a really sellfish dad that always tortures my mom and the rest of my family. the only reason she hasn’t got a divorce is because of me and my siblings, she thinks it will influence our future.
as her daughter though i love my mother very much i cant help but feel angry with my mom for marrying my father.if u think that this way is better for your son you should know that soon he will experience as much pain as you do and i know what you are sacrificing for him all and maybe it will be better for his future if you dont take a divorce but i know that, as i go through it everyday he will forever feel guilt,pain and sadness as to why you kept torturing yourself for him and feel really sad when you look at other happy couples and wonder why u chose to stay with him in the first place.
very nice
Hi Guest, I don’t think that this article implies that sex outside of marriage is ever a good idea. The author speaks at length about her own experiences with premarital sex and I think that she is pretty clear about that.
Is it me, or does this article imply that sex at level 5 is okay, even if it happens before marriage? What if a couple is at level 5 but unmarried? When you keep saying things like “So what happens if we have sex outside marriage before reaching that highest level, level five?” it makes it seem like having sex OUTSIDE marriage AFTER reaching that highest level is okay.
good article thank you for posting it
Sirin, I know exactly what you are going through because I experience the same (virgin married a player who serially cheats after marriage and inlaws who think I am the cause). I just hope you have the courage to walk away from this man, something I tried but failed to do. I know the torture and loss of dignity you are experiencing and I know it hurts everyday. You deserve better. My husband said he he would die without me too but I left and he immediately moved on and slept with other women. I came back on my own since I was missing him to the point of craziness and he treated me like dirt after that. I am still with him and happy to be with him but wish I had the strength to leave this loveless marriage.
Sirin, Jamie is right. You have to acknowledge the forgiveness of God in your life and pray and ask Him to help you give that forgiveness to those who hurt you. If your husband is sorry for what he has done, God insists that you forgive him. If you guys are already not having physical intimacy, there is no need for the “fast” like in the article, but try to build the intimacy where you can be vulnerable, and talk about everything. If he has told you about some of his past, he risked being rejected for what he shared. So try to talk to each other and reveal your secrets to one another, and pray for God’s forgiveness for both of you, and pray for the health of your relationship. If you can’t work it out, seek counseling. I pray all goes well for you.
Hi Sirin, I have a hard time seeing divorce as a solution. It is one option but it creates all kinds of other problems in life.
I can understand how you are hurt by the fact that you made it a priority to remain pure for your husband but he did not and lied to you about it. I also know what it is like when you can’t seem to forget about the past hurts that someone has caused you. The person who has helped me with that is Jesus Christ. He has forgiven me of all the ways that I have hurt Him and no longer holds those against me at all. He modeled that kind of forgiveness so well and also helps me to forgive other people with that same love. The Bible tells us that Jesus didn’t wait until we make things right with him and then He forgives us; no, He forgave us while we were still in the middle of our rebellion against Him.
There have been a number of situations recently where I was treated without respect and taken advantage of. Every time I see those people I ask Jesus to help me to forgive them just as He has forgiven me. Suddenly, the feelings of anger and revenge subside and I am filled with love for those people and I am compelled to pray for them. I know that it is only because Jesus is helping me that I am able to have that attitude.
I would like to invite you to talk to one of our online mentors to find out more about how Jesus can help you forgive and leave behind the hurt and feelings of betrayal that will continue to destroy your marriage. Just fill out the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor and one of our mentors will get in touch with you by email.
i really need someone to give solution/adgairlsvise to my problem, i am a married female aged about 28 years, i got married to a person who had affair with so many girls also he had sexual relationship with an married female called praveena, at the intial stage of my marriage my husband is not intimate with me even though im so beautiful with nice bodystructure he negleted me even after seeing me nude. i went on searching for answer that why my husband is not intimate with me?, finally i found out about his past and i quarreld with him by asking y did u married me and cheated me by hidding all this than he cried and replied saying that he was honest after marrying me, gradually he is becaming close to me now im blessed with baby boy who is oneand half year old. but actual problem is after knowing my husband past my heart was broken completely bec i was pure aND VIRGIN when i married him and i expected the same from him. im failed sometimes feeling better if forget all his past but whenever i remember his past i just torture him by . but even after marriage he looks at other females some times he acts crazy towards other females that drives me to fire at him and remember his past . moreovere he gives more importance to his parents than me. even if his parents scolds me for anything he will be on his parents side only. im just tolerating all this just for the sake of my parents and society and for my son. what is the solution shall i divorce him? if say that want to divorse him he will say that he will die without me. im just searching for peace for me and for him too.