The Five Levels of Intimacy
Does God care about your love life?
First comes love…or sex?
“First comes love, then comes marriage, then here they come with a baby carriage.” You may recognize this little rhythm my generation used to sing to embarrass each other. Based on today’s culture the rhythm could go: “First comes sex, then comes living together, and the baby carriage could happen anytime or with anybody, as does the sex.”
Casual sex has changed the landscape of relationships and marriage. Before 1960 most people saved sex for marriage, but now according to a recent survey, most people have sex before marriage. So how has this new trend impacted today’s marriages? First, the divorce rate: prior to 1960 the divorce rate was less than 25%, today it’s closer to 50%. As the rate of promiscuity has risen, so has the divorce rate. But secondly, and what this article will discuss is how casual sex has inhibited our ability to build emotional intimacy into our relationships, and how this emotional deficit is impacting marriages today.
The Five Levels of Intimacy
Psychologists have identified 5 levels of emotional intimacy we all move through as we get to know someone. They’ve been given several names, but for our purposes, let’s call them Level one through five, with five being the highest, or most intimate level.
Level One: Safe Communication
Level one is the lowest level of communication. We call it safe because it involves the exchange of facts and information. There are no feelings, opinions or personal vulnerability involved, and therefore no risk of rejection. This is the kind of interaction we have with people we don’t know well. It’s the chitchat we share with the clerk at the grocery store or a stranger at a party. People communicating at this level share minimal intimacy. An example of this level would be, “Lousy weather we’re having,” This is great pizza,” My team won last night.”
Level Two: Others’ Opinions and Beliefs
At level two we start sharing other people’s thoughts, beliefs and opinions. We are beginning to reveal more of ourselves through our associations. We say things like, “My mother always says…” or “One of my favorite authors said…” Such statements test the other person’s reaction to what we’re sharing without offering our own opinions. This is slightly more vulnerable than level one, but because we’re not sharing our own opinions we can distance ourselves from the opinion if we feel threatened by criticism or rejection.
Level Three: Personal Opinions and Beliefs
We start taking small risks at this level because we begin to share our own thoughts, opinions and beliefs. But like the previous level, if we begin feeling too vulnerable, we can say we’ve switched our opinions or changed our mind in order to avoid conflict or pain.
Level Four: My Feelings and Experiences
Sharing feelings and experiences is the next level of vulnerability and intimacy. At this level we talk about our joys, pain, and failures; our mistakes in the past, our dreams, and our goals. What we like or don’t like. What makes us who we are. This level is more vulnerable because we can’t change how we feel about something, the details of our past or current experiences. If we sense we may be rejected or criticized all we can do is try to convince others that we’re no longer impacted by our past. We’re no longer that person. We’re different now.
Level Five: My Needs, Emotions and Desires
Level five is the highest level of intimacy. It is the level where we are known at the deepest core of who we are. Because of that, it is the level that requires the greatest amount of trust. If I can’t trust that you won’t reject me, I’ll never be able to share my deepest self with you. Unlike the other levels, there is no escape at this level. Once I let someone see who I really am, I can no longer convince them otherwise. Communicating at this level means we offer someone the most vulnerable part of ourselves. And the greatest fear is that they could use it against us later. When we share things like, “I’m hurt when you don’t call,” I need to feel respected by you,” or “I want to spend my life with you,” we’re sharing not only our hurts but our desires and needs as well. It’s also the level where we let others see our emotional reaction to things, which if you’re like me, isn’t always a pretty sight. Maybe that’s why we save those for the ones closest to us, like our families.
True Intimacy
It’s important to understand that true intimacy in a relationship happens over time…not in a day, week or even a month. Think of your best friend…how long did it take before you felt at the highest level of intimacy with them, where you were able to trust them completely, or share your deepest self? It’s the same in romantic relationships…true intimacy develops over time. But another important element is needed for true intimacy…both people in the relationship need to move through the levels together. If I’m sharing at level four with someone (feelings and experiences) but my partner is sharing at level three (opinions and beliefs) we’re not experiencing true intimacy. I may feel closer because I’m sharing at a higher level, but in reality what we have is a false sense of intimacy. In truth, intimacy is measured by the person with the lower level of vulnerability.
Sex…A False Sense of Intimacy
When you look at the five levels, I’m sure you’d agree that the fifth or highest level is the healthiest, safest and most intimate place to have sex. When we feel loved unconditionally, and have the highest level of trust, we’ll be able to give ourselves completely to each other, increasing intimacy and the enjoyment of sex. We can have sex at the other levels, but without that same level of trust the vulnerability of sex may be associated with anxiety, fear and distrust. As I’ve led women through healing, I’ve discovered that they have the hardest time with sex if they’re not at this highest level with their partner, and if they’ve been wounded by sex with others in lower levels of intimacy, whether through abuse or their own choices.
So what happens if we have sex outside marriage before reaching that highest level, level five? Sex by itself is an intimate act. God designed sex to bond two people together spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally. In Genesis, God said that sex makes two people one. In essence He’s saying sex ‘glues’ two people together. Research on the brain and sex has validated God’s plan to bond people together with sex. During sexual arousal and release men and women release an amazing hormone called oxytocin. Scientists call oxytocin the hormone of love, the superglue that creates strong relational bonds. Releasing this hormone increases trust in a relationship, bonds people together, and causes intimacy. Oxytocin is also released in women when they give birth and when they breast feed their babies. You can see how God designed us to bond together in families to love, support and provide for each other.
When we have sex outside marriage before the highest level, we are creating a false sense of intimacy in our relationship. The sex makes us feel closer than we really are. Let’s say we’re at level three, where many couples start having sex outside marriage. We’re only sharing thoughts, opinions and beliefs at this level. Of course we may occasionally move up to the next level as we’re building trust, but until we’ve built enough needed, we’ll always gravitate back to where we feel the safest. The sex makes us feel close, but in reality we don’t know each other very well. We’re experiencing a false sense of intimacy. We’ll use sex to express our love, communicate and resolve conflict. And now it’s at this level of emotional intimacy that we’ll most likely stay.
In other words, emotional intimacy can get stalled at the level where we start having sex. Let me explain why. Emotional intimacy REQUIRES being able to risk conflict in order to move to the next level. Handling conflict in a healthy and safe way without being rejected is what allows us to build the trust needed to communicate at higher, more vulnerable levels. But now that we’re having sex, we feel close, and we won’t want to risk losing them. We also may feel that this is the one, and we won’t want anything to threaten this relationship. And so although we may occasionally move to higher levels, we’ll continue to fall back into that safe zone to communicate. We may sense that there’s something missing, but then with sex, we’ll feel that surge of closeness again, making us feel all is well…
And then we get Married…
When I first learned about intimacy levels, I was a sexual health educator going into schools and colleges teaching young people about saving sex for marriage. But God, the ultimate multi-tasker, began using what I was teaching others to show me what was happening in my own marriage. My husband and I had sex before we were married…very early in our relationship. Here we were now around 20 years married, and I was struggling with two things. First, I didn’t enjoy sex, and couldn’t understand why. Second, I didn’t feel emotionally close to my husband. In fact, I often felt lonely in my marriage and desired that we could share more deeply with each other. This was making me question a lot of things…I felt shame and regret for my past sexual partners, for having pre-marital sex with my husband, and I wondered if I’d married the wrong person. Why didn’t’ I enjoy emotional and physical intimacy with him? I was beginning to wonder if the sex we’d had before marriage had kept me from really discovering if he was my true soul mate.
Isn’t God so kind. Into my heart-felt secret pain, that only He knew, He brought the answer. I remember the light bulb going on when I first heard about the intimacy levels and sex. Instantly I understood that our emotional intimacy had gotten stalled between levels 2 and 3 where we first started having sex. This was why I never felt completely known by my husband, because he didn’t really know me, and I didn’t know him. The early sex had robbed us both of experiencing the highest level of intimacy and here we were 20 years later, still speaking for the most part just below the feeling level. Yes, we’d go there sometimes, but it was scary when it started creating conflict, and so I’d scurry back to that safe place…talking about the kids, money, what we’d do for the weekend.
Now I knew what was lacking…but how were we to get to that highest level of intimacy now, 20 years later? In my research I came across an author and counselor who taught on the intimacy levels. He said that he would counsel couples getting married who were having sex to stop and wait for marriage so that they could get to the highest level of intimacy. For married couples seeking his counsel who’d had sex before marriage, he encouraged them to take a fast from sex for a time so that they could get to the highest level of intimacy.
A Sex Fast…?
Sounds crazy, right? I thought so, but when I suggested to my husband that taking a fast from sex might improve our sex life, he was all for it. Mutually we agreed to fast for one month leading up to our 23rd anniversary, at which time we could come together. During that month we talked…a lot. We mostly talked about our sex life…and why I didn’t like it so much. But we also talked about many other things…things we hadn’t ever talked about. During that same time, I allowed God to take me through some sexual healing for my past choices and I discovered why I disliked sex so much. The wounding I’d experienced in past relationships had given me a negative view of sex, and I’d brought that into my marriage. With healing God exposed all the lies I’d come to believe about men and sex, and replaced them with His truth. And His truth set me free to love my husband, be loved in return and enjoy sex in a way I’d never known.
Even more, Eric and I grew emotionally. God allowed us to fast-track to that highest level of intimacy. We’re still growing in that area, now at 30 years of marriage. It gets better and better…as does the sex. I’m not saying it’s all perfect, and that we never fight, or that I am always ready for sex…because it’s not all perfect, and I don’t always want to have sex. But we both testify to the healing and transformation that God has done in our marriage. It wasn’t an easy journey, but so worth it!
What About You…
So what about you? Can you relate to our story, or see yourself in what I’ve shared? If so, regardless of where you are right now in your marriage, God promises even more…more intimacy, more love, maybe even more sex! If you’re marriage lacks emotional or sexual intimacy, pray and ask God what steps He wants to lead you to take towards more of both. Maybe like Eric and I, He’ll encourage you to take a fast from sex for a time so you can move to the highest level of intimacy. If you’ve been wounded by sex in your past, whether from abuse, trauma or your own choices let God show you how He can heal you so that it no longer keeps you from complete intimacy in your marriage. Whatever it is, God knows all about you, and your story. He knows exactly what you need to heal. I know, because He’s done it for us, and countless others. And He can and will do the same for you.
He’s just waiting for you to give Him permission to get started. I’m praying you will.
I promise…like Eric and I, you’ll reap the benefits of the MORE God has waiting just for you.
Barbara has written several books on this topic. For married women who resonate with this article, there is so much more, read Kiss Me Again. Buy it here. Barbara’s book called The Invisible Bond explores more about sexual bonding, why it is harmful, and how to move freely into your future. Buy it here. Check out Barbara’s website here.
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Let’s be as real as we can, if you are not married God’s word says you shall not have sex outside of marriage. If you are married because the woman got pregnant. Tough! Get over yourself and honor God and your mate. Quit seeking the internet for help, go to the Lord in prayer and ask Him to show you.
Thank you for your comment, favour; I am afraid I have to disagree with you that intimacy is mainly for youth or younger women, as I believe that any of us at any stage of our marriage can grow and develop the stages of intimacy discussed in this article. It only takes willingness on the part of those involved, and I have seen tremendous growth in my own marriage when even one of us puts forth that extra effort. So often, it has been the concerted effort of my husband that has woken me up to my own lack of passion in my marriage, and the Lord has placed on my heart how I need to respond to him in every aspect of our relationship. God bless you, favour, for visiting our site, and thank you so much, Barbara, for this wonderful article.
I agree that it is helpful to youth mostly Young girl god help us
Of course you are right Fedup and Darlene, there is much more to a healthy marriage than the timing of sexual intimacy, but to ignore the role that sexual intimacy has within a marriage is equally short-sighted. There is more to our act of sex than just enjoying the physical union of two bodies coming together –is that a ‘family friendly’ enough description? :) — It is obviously also a key component of creating a family. Saving that intimacy for the one with whom you create offspring is an important building of trust and commitment. There are huge challenges to effectively raising healthy children and there is no denying the best environment for that is a loving home with both mother and father. Saving that most intimate sharing of one’s self for that husband/wife relationship builds a strong foundation which translates into a greater ability to deal with the other challenges that come into a relationship and raising a family. I am not saying it is the only component of that strong foundation but it is an important one.
No one is blaming promiscuity for all the problems that are bombarding marriages and families today but in a society that has been trying to reduce sex to a mere act of physical pleasure with no other significance, it is important to promote the valuable role sex plays in creating healthy marriages and families.
At the end of the day it still comes down to character. Waiting to have sex before marriage does not make a woman any more trustworthy, loyal, compassionate, willing to compromise, witty, intelligent, curious, etc than not waiting for marriage. There are certain character traits that must be possessed by both men and women for any successful, loving relationship (platonic or romantic) to thrive. It requires an unselfish attitude, being an active listener, and a willingness to provide service and to bring value to the other person’s life, among other things. It requires trust, and building a deep connection with the other person. People may communicate, but they may not necessarily connect. If both partners come into the relationship with these values ingrained into them, I’d bet their relationship would stand the test of time, because they’re resilient and they know what it takes to make things work and bring happiness for all parties involved. It starts with the right thoughts/values which lead to habits, which leads to character. Try to shortcut it and it won’t work.
Even if you remain married, it doesn’t mean that you’re actually happy. It could be that some of that 80% figure quoted by Jamie, would have gotten divorced, but they’re afraid of doing so because of the scary thought of actually having to be with someone new. So instead they put up with hell from their spouse, because the alternative (the unknown of being single again) is too much to bear. Furthermore, it could be that those “promiscuous” people that had more sexual partners are able to divorce more readily because they know they can move on…they’ve done it before. What’s the point of staying married if you’re very unhappy?
That’s why I say it’s best to know who you are, your values, your goals, dreams, what services you will provide for your partner, what you expect, what you will/won’t tolerate, and so on when dating. Ask the tough questions, observe behaviors (not just words) before getting married. To me, it doesn’t really matter when you have sex…if someone is incompatible with your values the relationship will be a pain in the long run whether or not you have sex before marriage (If you believe Jamie’s statistics, there were still 20% of those who waited that had failed marriages). So instead of blaming sex, let’s work on our character, on knowing who we are, on being who we want to be, and doing the hard work to be proactive and live the proactive lifestyle instead of blaming circumstances and the past for our choices, and not tolerating anything less than what we deserve while we are dating. It takes energy to be proactive, but the benefits will come in the long run.
I just read the post about statistics correlating premarital sex and divorce. I’m reminded of a wise joke about statistics – “They’re like a bikini. What they reveal is interesting, but what they conceal is essential.” Without reviewing the details of the research, assuming the statistics are accurate, the fact remains that what led to divorce was likely what led to promiscuity – the character and personality of the girl. Teen promiscuity is attributable to emotional instability of the teen, usually because of problems in the home and dysfunctional parenting. Girls are seeking love and validation that’s missing in their lives. It’s the beginnings of codependency. That same instability, and likely in the partners they choose, will be reflected in the marriage. Many of those marriages are due to unplanned pregnancies and a lack of birth control. So the question still remains as to whether there is any causal relationship between premarital sex and divorce.
It’s like the studies that show premarital cohabitation is more likely to lead to divorce. The real reason is that people who cohabit are unsure about commitment, and these same issues around ambivalence toward their partner and fears of intimacy are what undo their marriages.
I discuss many of these factors in my new book, Codependency for Dummies.
Well, I can’t say which studies Barbara used in drafting this article but there are those out there that do link promiscuity and a higher divorce rate. The University of Iowa published a study in the April 2011 Journal of Marriage and Family which found that 31% of women who had sex in their teens were divorced within 5 years as opposed to 15% who were virgins. Also in the Journal of Marriage and Family Jay Teachman found that 80% of women’s marriages lasted beyond 10 years if they had not had sex with anyone but their husband prior to marriage. The more sexual partners that they had prior to marriage that number dropped (54% with 1 other sexual partner, 44% with 2, 39% with 3, to a low of 18% with 16-20 other sexual partners).
I hope that helps.
I just feel that the author has failed to make her claim that sex before marriage leads to a higher divorce rate. Correlation does not mean causation. If sex is the substitute for “emotional intimacy” that many couples fall victim to, then why wouldn’t the issues that afflict non married sexual partners such as substituting sex for real intimacy etc also take place in marriages where people actually waited? Are virgins before marraige somehow immune to issues that pre-marital non-virgins face? Could the higher divorce rate stem from the fact that women are now way more liberated than they were in the pre-60′s era, and that they don’t stand for the [expletive removed] that their predecessors would have? Could it be that divorce in pre-60s era was looked upon as “taboo” since folks back then were more conservative than today? Could the higher divorce rate also stem from the fact that American society seems to have a major influence from Narcisism and “independence” instead of interdependence and synergy, and thinking win-win instead of win-lose? All I’m saying is there are other credible reasons for higher divorce rates other than pre-marital sex. If the author wants me to believe her point of view, she needs to make a better case.
Hi FedUp, I am glad that some of Barbara’s opinions connected with things that you know to be true. I agree with you that just because a couple has come into their marriage as virgins does not mean that they will be equipped to deal adequately with the conflicts and tensions of life. But there are some unique problems that arise from having multiple sexual partners. Those are the things that Barbara was addressing in this article. She writes from a place of extensive study of the issues as well as her experience of helping couples deal with intimacy issues in their relationships.
You ask how she could know the rate of promiscuity prior to and after the sexual revolution of the 1960s. There have been surveys conducted that asked people’s sexual habits and those have certainly added to the statistical data on the subject, but there is also a common acceptance that the societal morals on sexuality in the Western World shifted significantly during that period. That is why they called it ‘the sexual revolution’: there was a large part of the population that rejected the belief that sexual intimacy was something to be shared exclusively between a husband and wife, and instead promoted the idea of ‘free-love’. While it is likely true that many people prior to the 60′s engaged in sex outside of marriage, there is still no denying the impact of the 60′s on what was perceived as morally acceptable.
I do agree with you that it is counter-productive to blame our marriage woes on external forces rather than take responsibility for how our choices impact the health of our marriage. But I don’t think Barbara was giving people another reason to feel victim and unable to move on. Instead she is helping people to see how their choices have impacted their present reality and she gives some great advice on how to pursue health in relationships by dealing with the consequences of our choices. She has a number of other articles as well that give some practical helps for finding emotional healing from past sexual relationships. You can find a list of her other articles at http://powertochange.com/blogposts/author/bwilson.
Can I suggest that perhaps some of your resistance to Barbara’s article is that you are unwilling to face the way your own choices in sexual intimacy have or are impacting the level of intimacy that you have been able to achieve? I know it is always hard for me to face the damaging choices that I have made in my life. I want you to know that you can find healing in your life through the transforming work of Jesus Christ in your heart. He is not asking you to heal yourself first and then come to Him but He invites you to come and see what it means to live the way that He created you to live. In my experience, living according to His plan is far more fulfilling and enjoyable than anything that I could come up with on my own. If you want to find out more about it why don’t you go to http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/discoverpurpose and discover the God’s purpose for you.
I agree with some of the opinions in this article but not all. For example just because there’s a correlation with “promiscuity” as you call it and a higher divorce rate, doesn’t mean promiscuity led to higher divorce rates. How would you even know what the promiscuity rate was before the 60′s as opposed to after? Secondly, the premise that emotional intimacy stops when people have sex may be true for some but certainly not everyone. If a couple met and got married after 3 months, they could face the same issues regarding emotional intimacy as a couple who’s been boyfriend/girlfriend for years. At the end of the day, we are responsible for our own lives, including the levels of intimacy that we share with our partners. We need to stop blaming circumstances, the past, and others for our own behavior. Every act that we take, it is our CHOICE to take it, no one else’s. I think the problem stems not from sex, but from education about roles in relationships. What to expect, what to do when conflict comes in, how to share our deepest, truest self with each other, how to stop being so critical of our significant other, how to build up our significant other and make them smile, how to be romantic and charming and thoughtful. A couple could wait until marriage for sex, and still have MINIMAL skills in handling conflict and being charming and thoughtful, and they would face the SAME problems as a couple that didn’t wait to have sex. So at the end of the day, my opinion is, people must KNOW what they want from a relationship before they get into one, instead of trying to figure it out afterward.
Glad you found our site and enjoyed this article Darlene.
Hi Barbara,
I just found your interesting article, and you raise some great points. I often suggest a sex fast to couples for various reasons, but I wouldn’t say intimacy gets stuck when you first have sex. Often it deepens in time, and sometimes out of conflict, and also if you work on your self-esteem and honesty. Maybe yours was stuck due to your past experiences and not because you had sex too soon. I think that shame and fear of abandonment are what make people afraid to open up. Sometimes they never do whether or not they have sex, and waiting to have it and even a commitment don’t necessarily overcome those inner fears. I’ve seen couples who waited and even 40 years later were too shy to discuss sex and feelings. There’re a few articles you might enjoy on my site about intimacy, and two on sexuality and spirituality. I quote St. Teresa. Thanks for the post.
Dear Louis;
Thank you so much for your questions. I appreciate that you are really working this through and wanting to have all that God desires for you in this area. Your question about if its okay to have sex once you’ve reached the highest level of intimacy if you’re in an exclusive or engaged relationship is one that many people are asking. My answer may not be what you’re hoping to hear. But the bottom line is that any sex outside marriage can and will hurt intimacy in marriage. Because even in an engaged relationship you’re still not in a fully committed relationship. Marriage, God says, is the only place that the intensity and bonding of sex has the best place to grow and thrive, and be the most satisfying and fulfilling. Anything outside of that relationship is a cheap imitation of what God has planned for us. But even more, it will hurt intimacy in marriage. I can’t explain completely how and why that happens, all I know is that after working with hundreds of women, I’ve discovered that having sex even in an engaged relationship diminishes desire for women in marriage. Last night in my bible study for sexual healing, I listened as 8 women shared their stories. In every married women who’d had sex with their husbands before marriage (and several did everything but intercourse–so they were having sex, just not intercourse)every single one of them found that although before marriage they couldn’t keep their hands off each other, that same desire and sexual spark literally withered and died within months of marriage, and for many even on their honeymoon. Now they’re working to heal that and break the bonds from their past so they can have that desire return, which is what I talk about in Kiss Me Again, but the reality is, God is only trying to protect us from hurting our marriage. Just know that if you choose to have sex before marriage, you may be contributing to depleting the sexual desire and intimacy in your future wife once married. I know that’s putting a lot of responsibility on you, but let me also say that if a woman doesn’t love and respect you enough to protect your sexual purity, she will not honor you in other ways once married. And as the man, God has given you the responsibility to set the boundaries and put on the brakes sexually. He charges men to be the ones to protect the sexual purity of women, even when they push the boundaries. When men do that women feel protected and loved and once married know they can trust their husbands to always have their best interests at heart. When men give in, or push the boundaries, the woman will initially submit, but once in marriage they can come to resent their husbands for not having the strength to wait for them, or be strong before marriage, and then start to resist being intimate with their husbands. I’m sorry if I’ve discouraged you in any way…but know that God has given you all you need to be all that He’s called you to be, so that you can have the kind of intimacy and marriage you desire. I’m not saying its easy…but its definitely worth it.
My blessings and prayers are with you,
Barb
Thanks again, can you please answer – with regards to the intimacy, once you reach the highest level and you are not married, would it be ok to have sex then? e.g. 1-2 yrs down the track or at engagement.
Louis, What I mean by “sex is a response, not a solution” is that sex, in and of itself, does not solve any problems. Sex is an emotional and physical response to your partner, to the situation, to what you’ve had to drink or what you’ve been thinking about. It feels great, but having sex is not going to resolve an argument or help you decide what you should do next. Sometimes it appears that sex can do that – ie sometimes during an argument one partner will kiss the other and the argument stops – but that’s only because you are distracted, not because you have come to a resolution. The argument will be right there waiting for you when you come up for air.
I can understand your frustration with your former girlfriend. Anytime one partner refuses to respect the other’s boundaries you know that you’re in trouble. Relationships are supposed to be two people working together toward a common goal. When you find yourselves going in opposite directions it’s almost impossible to move forward.
Thank you for your response. Can you please elaborate on sex is a response, not a solution?
Also, yes the no alcohol seems to be the safer option. In my last relationship I talked to my then gf about not french kissing me because it aroused me, but she refused. This made things really hard, and I started to dislike her as a result as I always got frustrated. For a man, how do you release the energy that is built up?
With regards to the intimacy, once you reach the highest level and you are not married, would it be ok to have sex then? e.g. 1-2 yrs down the track on at engagement.
Louis, Yes, it is easier to share feelings right after sex. Sex is meant to bond people. In that afterglow of intimacy you have chemicals running through your body and in your brain that are meant to make you feel connected and safe. But if you’re going to be a long term relationship with someone, you need to be able to build that feeling of connection outside of the bedroom too. If you don’t take the time to do that you run the risk of not actually being as connected as you feel you are just after you’ve been intimate.
If you’re finding this a challenge, don’t mix it with alcohol. You mentioned in your comment that you find it harder to keep boundaries if you’ve been drinking, if that’s the case then you need to decide what you want. If you want to respect those boundaries and alcohol makes it harder, then don’t drink on a date. Don’t set yourself up for failure or pretend that there’s nothing you can do about it. No one is pouring a glass a wine down your throat. It’s your choice. I’m not saying “never have a drink ever again”, but listen to yourself. You said it makes it harder. Why would you want to make it harder?
And make no mistake, it’s not easy. We live in a culture that spends billions of dollars each year telling you, and me, that we should be trying to get as much sex as we can as often as possible. We’re told that sex equals connection, that sex and love are the same thing, that being desired is as good as being loved. It’s all lies. Sex is a wonderful and beautiful thing in the right context, but it’s never going to be the answer to all of your problems. Sex is a response, not a solution.
Hi, to questions. don’t you find it easier to share feelings straight after sex? And I find the teasing and then no.t having sex, really frustrating . For someone who has tasted the Apple before, i find it really hard to do this. Any thoughts on this. I agree on the theory, but in practise, esp if there is alcohol involved out is really hard.
Cheers
I agree that it is helpful
i thank you so much for this great words of wisdom, well i am 31yrs old and still a virgin, i have been so worried about my sex life when i get married give my inexperience and lack of any slight practical knowledge about sex but i know i feel even more encouraged. thanks!
Barbara thank you for taking the time to respond with such amazing practical tips. I think these are great words of wisdom for all of us as married people….that we would as you said,… Start praying for your husband, and ask God to give you love for him. Ask God to open your eyes to the good, praiseworthy characters of your husband. What God asks us to do is not humanly possible, so don’t try to do this on your own. It can only be done in His strength…but you’ll be amazed at the incredible miracles He can do in you and in your marriage.
Dear Xian;
I hear what you’re saying, and can understand your struggle. I agree with all that Brenda responded to you, and I’d like to add my thoughts based on my experience of being married for 30 years, but also having led hundreds of people through healing. It may sound too simple, and I’m sorry if that’s the case, and I’m in no way trying to minimize your feelings or your struggle. But what I’ve learned is that love is more a choice through actions than a feeling.
After 30 yrs of marriage to the same guy, I can honestly say I don’t feel love for him every day. In fact, sometimes I can go through periods when I don’t have fuzzy feelings of love for him. And even over the 30 yrs, I’ve had times when I’ve thought, maybe he wasn’t the guy for me, or do I really love this guy? But, then I’ll make the choice to love him, and commit him and our marriage to God, and continue to do loving things for him, and the loving feelings will come back.
One day reading about love in I Corinthians 13, I discovered that none of the descriptions of love had to do with feelings. It was all about actions. Its the same thing with forgiveness. God doesn’t say when you feel forgiveness, you forgive. No, He says, forgive, whether you feel like it or not, and I’ll take care of your feelings. I took His word on the forgiveness thing, and discovered that when I made the choice of my will to forgive someone, He took care of the feelings. It didn’t happen instantly, but everytime my bitter/angry feelings surfaced for that person, I would choose again to forgive. Eventually, I discovered that God was faithful, and I no longer struggled with bitter feelings. God is so faithful, Xian and will do what He’s promised.
Here’s what God can do when you trust Him in this. Start praying for your husband, and ask God to give you love for him. Ask God to open your eyes to the good, praiseworthy characters of your husband. Ask Him to put to death this feeling of love you have for this other man, and ask God to give you loving actions to do for your husband. I can guarantee that if you trust God with this, and follow through on what He shows you to do, and break it off with this other person, God will honor your obedience, and you’ll begin to feel love for your husband. What God asks us to do is not humanly possible, so don’t try to do this on your own. It can only be done in His strength…but you’ll be amazed at the incredible miracles He can do in you and in your marriage.
If you commit to this for one year, I am confident that you will be in a different place with your marriage, and how you feel about your husband. God is the one who puts love in our hearts. We’re the ones who choose to reject the love He wants to give us for others.
I’ll be praying for you,
Blessings, Barb
Thank you for writing in Xian. I so appreciate your honesty about your situation.
Xian, you spoke the truth when you said your desire is wrong because it is infidelity, and it can feel so peaceful in the arms of your lover because our feelings can lie to us. Jeremiah 17:9 tells us that, “The heart is deceitful above all things, And desperately wicked; Who can know it?” [NKJV] And Proverbs 14:12 warns us that “There is a way that seems right to a man, But its end is the way of death.” [NKJV]
God is our Strength and our Sufficiency, and He is a very real Help in times of trouble. If you turn to Him and seek His face and ask Him for wisdom and courage to withstand the temptations that are within you at this time to be unfaithful to your marriage vows, I am certain that God will be faithful to you to help you, for God promises us in His Word: “No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.” [1 Corinthians 10:13, NKJV]
Zian, if you need to talk to someone confidentially, please feel free to write to us and one of our mentors will respond to you within one week. Here is the link to contact a mentor:
http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
God bless you, Xian, and I will continue to pray for your strength in withstanding temptation and seeking the Lord for His wisdom [James 1:5].
Brenda
Hi! I hope u can help me understand my situation. I am married but i wasnt happy. We got married bec i got pregnant. But he wasnt the guy that ive always wanted and i wasnt sure if i loved him when i married him. And after 4 years of marriage, (&1 daughter) i met someone else and i think that i have experienced all these levels of intimacy with him. Both of us even think that we have secreted a lot of oxytocin for each other, bec not distance, bad circumstance, serious fights nor any ways/means of forgetting each other has worked. We still feel bonded. I feel like he was the one i should be with. How come its so peaceful when i hug him? I forget all my problems when i talk to him. I feel suddenly happy when i hear his voice. I can talk to him all day. Its like we are so the same and we are one. I know that it is very wrong bec. it is infidelity. It is why we have been trying so hard to stop. We haven’t seen each other for more than a year now, but it seems as if nothing changed. In fact,i feel that the love grew stronger and more mature. Can i still release oxytocin even if we haven’t seen each other for almost 16 months? I need to break free from this relationship but i am finding it very hard to resist him or myself when i feel the need to call/msg him. Please help me. I need to a way to break this strong bond. :(
This is such an important topic, i hope many people share this and get help, thanks Barb.
I would beg to differ with you ‘at’ since I have been married to my husband for over 36 years and we are hoping for many more years together.
why ppl are lonely? don’t fool yourself, u cannot love only one person in ur life.
Jason, your heart shines through and one of the challenges of commenting is that they show up in black and white and unfortunately sometimes people react to the words without recognizing the heart that is behind them. So do continue to respond and comment, it’s appreciated!
Antevasin,
Oh no! I am so sorry for misspeaking about your situation. It seems like sometimes I have a way of saying the exact opposite of what I mean. I feel awful about this…really awful. I’m sorry for assuming that you blamed God. I only said that because I am guilty of that sin myself and I jumped to conclusions regarding you. I never meant to imply that you were to blame for this, or that it’s your fault for not being healed. That is absolutely not the meaning that I was trying to convey. I see how it came across though, and you’re right, that was careless of me. You are better at separating your feelings from fact than I have been.
I hope that I can still be of some service to you in this. I found a christian website that does address this issue. I only read a few of the comments, but they all seem very positive. I was surprised, but this really is a christian website run by christian women: http://christiannymphos.org/2008/06/10/q-painful-intercourse-in-the-first-year/
Again, I’m very sorry and I feel terrible knowing that I’ve hurt a fellow christian. When it comes to talking about feelings I often feel like a bull in a china shop. Is it because of my male geneder, or am I just dense? Probably both…
hi Jason,
Thank you for your reply. Yes, of course i’m familiar with that website. In my message i was talking about that i cannot find any resources from a CHRISTIAN point of view. It seems as if this problem is completely ignored in church and church councellors most of the time don’t even know about it.
If God is omnipotent, why then does it feel like with this particular problem i can not find comfort in the Bible or in any Christian literature? That’s what i meant by feeling so alone in this. As a Christian.
This problem has affected me in every area of my life, so yes, also in my spiritual life. That’s why i need to find some Christian comfort regarding this as well.
I never said i blame God for this. The feeling of betrayal is something totally different. The betrayal is about the fact that i feel this problem is ignored. And i was talking about FEELING betrayed. I never said it as a fact, but that doesn’t take away that i’m feeling it. And that it hurts.
Jason, please be careful with your words. Words can hurt and damage people deeply. Next time, consider your words before you tell someone to repent from something you assume they have done… And implicitly telling them it’s their fault God hasn’t healed them yet…
If my heart wasn’t so bruised and thus numb already after surviving an emotiontally abusive relationship, i think your words would have made me cry.
We Christians have to live as examples, reflecting and representing God and His character. God is love, acceptance, patience. God listens, asks, does not assume. God is not judgement or rejection. When Christians have a harsh attitude towards others, it might drive people who are seeking God not only away from Christianity, but also from God Himself.
Please be careful with other people and weigh your words before you speak them.
@antevasin
This may be the resource you are looking for. This website says this problem is highly treatable: http://www.vaginismus.com/vaginismus-treatment
It took me all of 30 seconds to find this on the web. If your ex was too impatient to do even that for you, then perhaps God used this a way to drive off what appears to be a loser of a husband. It may be a blessing in a black envelope.
God didn’t betray you. God did not creat vaginismus and He didn’t afflict you with it. This is a malfunction of nature caused by sin compounding forwards in time. We have a fallen flesh body, things don’t work like God intended. Don’t blame God, blame the overall effect of sin running rampant in our bodies and our world. You may want to consider repenting of blaming God in your heart as that can only repel healing which I have no doubt He wants to do in your body.
Phyllis,
I think this is the part of your post that scares me:
“He is honestly the only man that I have loved even over the years of not seeing him.”
If your first boyfriend is the only person you have ever loved, then that must mean that you didn’t love your husband even as you walked down the isle and for the subsequent 20 years afterwards. I’m too baffled by this for words…????? Why did you do this to yourself, not to mention your husband?
Jason , Louis and Barbara are both dead on in their summary’s of what happened . I am sorry if my account scared you . Barbara I don’t mind you referencing my situation at all.
@ Barbara Wilson
“…because your fear is not from God. Its from the enemy who wants you to shrink back from love and commitment, and keep you isolated by doubting yourself and others.”
You hit the nail on the head with this one. I feel like the Lord verified this to me as the same time I was reading it. Ok ladies, tell me more…
Great counsel Lois, and in response to your question Jason, no, we definitely aren’t all like that.
Barbara, thank you so much for taking the time to explain what happens. If more people understood that we would have many more strong marriages! Praise the Lord that He is the God of hope and can heal our brains and our marriages!
Dear Jason;
I appreciate your honesty. And can relate to your concerns about marriage and true love. And I hope I can ease some of your concerns…because your fear is not from God. Its from the enemy who wants you to shrink back from love and commitment, and keep you isolated by doubting yourself and others. Let me give you my thoughts of what happened to Phyllis based on what God has taught me about the brain and sex. In her first love relationship, its likely Phyllis had sex with him…(sorry Phyllis, I feel weird talking about you and surmising things…and if I’m wrong, please forgive me). When we have sex we bond with them, physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally, as well as chemically. We release chemicals and hormones that creates a bond or attachment with that person. God says He makes ‘two into one flesh’ through sexual intimacy. Both men and women release a hormone called oxytocin which is the bonding hormone, causing men and women to be glued together. Oxytocin is what creates that love feeling. And in marriage as you have sex over and over…you bond more and more and your love deepens and matures. But when we have sex outside marriage and then break up, we start to damage our bonding hormone…we release less and less with each subsequent partner. Eventually if we’ve had enough adverse romantic experiences involving sex (where we love and then break up) we can inhibit our ability to bond fully the way God intended in marriage. Hypothetically if Phyllis had sex with her first love, she bonded with him. Then when they broke up, she was wounded…as she moved to her next relationship, she fell in love again, but wouldn’t have bonded as much in the next relationship. Depending on how many sexual partners she bonded with before marriage would depend on just how well she bonded with her husband. Just because we get married doesn’t mean the past is all wiped away. We bring all those past partners into marriage with us, and in fact stay bonded to them without really knowing it. Then when we begin to experience difficulties in our marriage, and our love wanes, our attachment to past partners can cause us to still feel love for them. Also oxytocin increases the recall of the positive events of past relationships and decreases the recall of the negative. So when Phyllis’s marriage began to have cracks, she began to fantasize about the good in the last relationship…and began to wonder if life would have been better with him. But unfortunately its a fantasy and not reality. All marriages experience struggles and sometimes we have days when we don’t ‘feel’ love for each other. But when we’ve bonded well, the difficult times will just help us grow closer together and our love deepens. But if we are still attached to past lovers, we will stay in the past, and resist the work needed to grow our marriages. But when we let God heal us and break us from past relationships, we can fully love and bond with our spouses. Which is why I encourage young people to go through healing for all past sexual partners and experiences so that they don’t bring anyone else into their marriages and are able to fully bond with their spouse. Science is even showing as I talk about in my books, that God can even heal the brain, and restore our ability to release oxytocin even if its been depleted because of past wounding. God has done this in my own life and marriage, and in countless others as I’ve led men and women through sexual healing the past 7 years.
So I guess what I’m saying is that Phyllis’s scenario doesn’t have to be…with healing, we can be fully bonded and love our spouse regardless of past relationships. I’m praying that God gives you hope that what you long for and desire is really what He desires for all of us in marriage, and that when we trust Him, its also possible.
Barb
Thank you Lois, that was very refreshing to hear, and for more reasons than you realize.
I know that what I said couldn’t have landed well for many of the other ladies here. I gratefully receive all input wether it be an encouragement or a rebuke, so please lay it on me. All I ask is that you give me truth from your heart. It doesn’t even have to be the “good christian thing” to say, just let me hear from your heart.
Jason – I don’t think Phyllis is saying she was intentionally deceptive with her first husband, just that her first love continued to have a powerful hold over her even while she was married. It doesn’t sound like she was in contact with her first love during that time. He just crossed her mind from time to time. “First loves” are powerful. That’s why Proverbs advises men to “rejoice in the wife of your youth.” If that first boyfriend had married her, this sad situation would have been averted. It sounds like he’s still not “doing right by her” as there is still no ring. I hear what you’re saying though too and understand your fear. It would be devastating to be married to someone and discover that s/he loved someone else more.
The answer to your question “are all of you like Phyllis” is obviously “no.” I have lots of Christian friends who have never had a serious love relationship, even at 30 or 40. It isn’t that we’re cold fish or that there is something wrong with us. We’re just waiting patiently (or sometimes impatiently) for God’s will to be revealed in that area of our lives. Look for someone who isn’t willing to sleep with you until after marriage, who loves Jesus and is open and honest with you about her whole past, who is grounded and well-connected to a strong faith community … Listen for God’s leading as you get to know her. Be open and honest and pray together often. Listen too with an open mind to what your friends and family have to say, especially if they have concerns. If you’re not sure how to find God’s will for your life, it is generally revealed in five ways: through your own common sense, wise counsel of other Christians and people who love you, commanding scripture – that sense that God is speaking to you when you read, a strong sense of compelling spirit – that sense that you are being led to do something or that it is “just right” and occasionally through circumstantial signs like dreams or uncanny coincidences.
Best wishes to both you and Phyllis. Love is terrifying! Thank GOD he goes before us in all things to prepare the way.
Ladies…are all of you like Phyllis? Can you live a lie for 20 years by marrying a man while loving somebody else the whole time? Is this what I have to look forward to in a marriage? The thought of devoting my heart, my love, and my life to somebody only to discover that I have been living a lie with them for the whole time scares me. Obviously, this is coming from a male perspective. If I’m missing something here (a possibility which I readily acknowledge), please do me the favor of explaining to me where my train of thought has gone off the tracks…
p.s. I’m not condemning Phyllis, it’s just that the experience she is describing is my nightmare scenario. Seriously, if this happened to me as a husband, I would consider it a fate worse than death.
p.s.s. Phyllis, I just gotta ask, if you loved somebody else, why did you marry this other man?
The idea that a woman is capable of marrying somebody for 20 years while being in love with somebody else for that whole time absolutely scares the hell out of me.
Barbara thank you for the reminder that God can restore a marriage even when it appears totally hopeless. Roxanne, it is not only possible but it has happened to others before you and as Barbara said, it is so worth it! God is still in the miracle business.
Dear Roxanne;
My heart breaks for you, and I understand the loneliness you feel. I’m also so sorry for all the pain you’ve experienced in your marriage. But this I can promise you…God can resurrect anything, even a lifeless, loveless marriage. God can heal the wounds in your marriage, and restore your intimacy, both emotional and physical. I strongly urge you to follow the steps in the Kiss Me Again book as well as use the study guide at the back to begin to grow in intimacy together. I can’t tell you how many couples God has healed and restored even when they were completely hopeless. But it does take some work…doing the exercises, working through the pain, memories, talking it out together. But I know that its so worth it. We’re married 30 years now, and our marriage is better than I could have imagined at this point. I felt like you at one time, but God has done a miracle in our marriage. But the best part, is the reward of being best friends now as we grow old together and to be able to enjoy our children and grandchildren together. It is the reward of choosing God’s way. But you don’t have to just exist…God never meant that for us. I pray that you’ll let God begin the healing process in you and your marriage. blessings, Barb
Roxanne, my heart goes out to you. The only way you go back is to be able to communicate at the deepest level and be committed to listening to one another. It’s never too late. Honest……if you would like to have a personal mentor go to this link and write in and a mentor will email you back and walk alongside you through this journey.
You are very wise woman Barbara! Thanks so much for both the article and your comment. You really did hit it right on the head when you said that ‘if this is the man He has for you, that he’ll be able to honor and treasure you as God does, and how you deserve’. Well said!
Phyllis, I am praying that you will clearly see God’s will in this!
Barbara.. ding ding ding you answer hit the spot. Thanks everyone for your comments . I have been ” avoiding ” him even though we both say that we are still in a relationship . Bottom line is we both need time to grow and develop even in our 40′s . This issue doesn’t rest soley with teenage girls or young people . I am new to relationships and dating after decades of marriage . My focus is not him ( boyfriend ) but Him ( God ) I have to allow time for healing, and wholeness for both of us .. no more pushing , though it hurts immensely ( flesh dying hurts , ego dying hurts , trusting hurts ) . It’s not even about just sex , it is about a focus on my assignment for God . The truth and what God wants for me will become so evident. I will wait on God . Pray for me all, and thanks Barb and others for your comments :)
Thanks for the great information Barbara, both the article and the comment.
Phyllis;
Thanks for sharing your struggles with intimacy in your relationship. What you’re describing is normal. Outside marriage the sex can cloud our relationship, or at least the true emotional health of our relationship. The sex makes us feel closer than we really are, and therefore we can be blinded by some of the realities of this person and the relationship. Once you stopped having sex, you were able to see more clearly who he was, and the truth of your relationship. Here is what you are discovering about him in your own words: I love my man , but I see him differently , selfishness, lack of commitment ( wedding ring etc ). He truly doesnt understand . He has moved . But neither of us want to move on , and it appears that he doesnt want to change. If anything he is more closed to God than ever and becomes angry and aggravated when we talk about “feelings ”. This is really a gift from God. While you were having sex, you may have had glimpses of this, but the closeness of the sex helped you push away any doubts you had. Now without the sex, its clear. I can’t help you decide on whether this man is what God has for you, but its obvious that at this point he’s not worthy of you. Maybe God wants to use this time of fast to help you not only draw closer to God and become healthier and more whole, but also for your man to become all that God is wanting of him so that he can be the man God wants him to be for you. Your experience is one of the reasons God says to save sex for marriage. I’m praying that God will continue to lead, comfort, teach and heal you. And if this is the man He has for you, that he’ll be able to honor and treasure you as God does, and how you deserve. Blessings, Barb
Wow Phyllis! Sounds like God is definitely at work in your life and has had His handprint on it even before you rededicated your life to Him. It doesn’t surprise me that God asked you to have your boyfriend move out after that happened in your life. God is very clear that sex is to be His gift to us in the context of marriage and that’s probably one of the reasons that you are noticing that you ‘no longer want to have sex’ as you are allowing God to continue to speak to your heart. The real question is whether or not you trust God enough to actually take a break like you feel you should be doing. I think the place to start is going to be some really honest and open communication about how you feel and what God is doing in your heart.
I really really ned help with this one . I am currently in a relationship with my 1st and love . I daydreamed and fantasized about this man over the past 28 years . He was my 1st boyfriend I was 18 he was 20 . I married someone else , stayed in that marriage for 20 years . We were divorced in 2007. My 1st love and I connected 2 years and 3 months ago on Valentines day – we meet again on a dating website. Needless to say I thought that our connection was heaven sent . He is honestly the only man that I have loved even over the years of not seeing him. We were off to a quick start as a matter of fact we talked on line on Valentines Day . Went on a date the following Monday . I had sex with him almost immediately (urrr Tuesday maybe ) we were inseparable .. Together every weekend , on the phone when we werent’ together . Rediscovering each other etc. I told hiim that I loved him very soon .. maybe a couple of months in .. and continued to tell him so . He didnt and hasn’t ever expressed how he feels about me,( with the exception of loyalty and commitment ) Last May he moved in .. June he moved in his adult son (20 ) wit my permission . Things were great . I was the happiest I’d ever been . We invested in home repairs together .. major ones, furniture purchases etc .
Fast forward.. May 2011 , I rededicated my life to Christ, March 2011. Almost immediately God asked me to have him move out . I wasnt excpecting it .. wasnt even thinking about it .. but I did it . and it was horrible we were both devasted . We have continued to date and have sex over the weekends, its almost as if we just rewinded to the beginning of the relationship . Funny thing is I am fine w/not seeing him as much now .. and I no longer want to have sex . I want to allow God to continue to speak to me as I grow in Christ . I love my man , but I see him differently , selfishness, lack of commitment ( wedding ring etc ). He truly doesnt understand . He has moved . But neither of us want to move on , and it appears that he doesnt want to change. If anything he is more closed to God than ever and becomes angry and aggravated when we talk about “feelings ” . I dont want to miss out on what God may have for us together . I would like to discuss taking a complete break 30-40 days with no contact so that I can focus on me .. and he can focus on himself . I have no idea of how to bring this up .. he just called me last night wanting us to take pictures together . yikes
i like this its helpful