A Man’s Low Sex Drive Video provided by: FamilyLife
It’s a problem that can be difficult to discuss with even best friends or family members, because it’s not one women expect to happen: “My husband doesn’t want to have sex with me.” What’s going on? What are common causes for this, and how can you talk to your husband about his lack of interest in sex without getting into (another) argument about it?
Related Articles:
Men and Emotional Intimacy
Understanding Your Husband’s Battle for Sexual Purity
Hi Judy, I can only imagine how hard it is to go into marriage with expectations built from a vibrant marriage bed but discover that someone else’s expectations are very different. I am glad to hear that you have been able to connect with a counsellor. It is so helpful to have objective input into your marriage like that and have access to tools to facilitate communication and conflict resolution. I couldn’t quite tell for sure from your comment if you husband also meets with the counsellor. That is even more helpful for sure.
Would you say that your communication with your husband is open and honest? Have you guys been able to talk through difficult issues together and develop an understanding of each others feelings and priorities? You mentioned that Dr. Chapman’s book “Five Love Languages” has been helpful. Do you think your husband understands your love language? I know that it is easy to get into patterns of talking at each other without developing the skill of talking with each other with the priority of understanding what emotions and thoughts are going on in your spouse. I assume that is not happening in this issue of sexual expectations but is it happening in other areas of your communication?
I know you know this but it helps me to be reminded of these things from time to time: God is not surprised by this conflict that you and your husband are having. There is a reason why He has brought the two of you together in this marriage. There is something that you need from this man and there is something that only you can bring to him. One of the biggest victories of any Christian couple is when they are able to agree together on that truth and commit to joining together to discover what God is trying to do in through their marriage. It is so easy to let the conflict put you on opposing sides; that just destroys the union of being husband and wife–the two becoming one. If the two of you can recognize the way you have gotten on opposing teams and work together to get back on the same team trying to defeat the problem and not each other I know you will begin to see God knitting your hearts in a closer more intimate love and union.
Remember, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2Corinthians 12:9) It is a weakness just like this that Jesus’ power is going to be manifested in you and your marriage, so look to Him for His solution and His plan for using this to draw the two of you closer than you ever could have.
Heavenly Father, I pray for Judy and her husband. I than You for the great gift of marriage and the blessing that Judy has had in such a vibrant union with her first husband. I thank You for leading her into this new marriage but Lord You know there is a struggle and hurt. I ask Lord that Judy and her husband would be willing to put aside their own needs and become passionate about serving each other. I pray that You would give Judy wisdom in knowing how to love her husband well and building him up for the work that You have called him to. I pray that her husband would be willing to put aside those things that make him comfortable in order to serve the needs of his wife. Face him with his selfishness and transform him into a servant leader in his home. Bless their ministry in Your church and to Your people and guard them from the temptations that would destroy their love, their testimony and their ministry. In the powerful name of Jesus I pray, amen.
I was a widow in 2007. My husband had pancreatic cancer. There were several times we were still able to have intercourse but it stopped soon, which is understandable. I married at 17 and we were always known for the “LOVE Couple” my ( Buddy) was so refreshing and always ready. It almost killed him to know he was no longer able to satisfy me. At his death his worse fear was me becoming lonely and killing myself! We were one of a kind for sure! (He was a pastor) age 51
I’ve remarried to another great guy. His wife had cancer six years. So he came totally a virgin almost he was married at the age of 24. He explains to me the issues she had and issue with her dad. Pretty sure she carried that baggage to bed with them.
Now that I’m his wife, a very sexual woman and love every minute of it I’ve married another Pastor who has so little knowledge of a real marriage. He seems to think marriage is not spiritual. That is so wrong in my book! I’ve ask him alone with our counselor to read “Sheet Music”.. It’s one of the best! He will frown at most advice. He thinks the 5 love languages are all you need. And it does help in one area for sure.
This man came to me not knowing the importance of being fresh (clean) in bed . I’ve had to tell him to brush your teeth at bedtime take a shower after working in the yard or outside. He takes a bathe every other day and won’t before lovemaking at all. He try’s to manipulate me thinking I will giving in but so far I just say no. I feel like I’m withholding my body from him as the Word says but I just can’t have a loving relationship with him. No romantic person at all. No candles are allowed and no sex talk at all. I’m to lay there like his Jan did and was glad when he was satisfied. But no this girl want!!!! He’s tried meds but say they do nothing. He told me as a rule he reads six pages of news that’s a must before anything so I just go on to sleep. It really doesn’t bother him. I literally starving and not sure what my next step is. The D word is out of the question. I spend many sleepless nights in Napa! What can I do? What can I say to our counselor on Tuesday evening. I’ve never masturbated and never intend too. I’m sure there is someone whose marriage is like mine where sex is totally off our radar. Very lonely frustrating and wish I was single again. How do you survive? I’ve had nervous breakdowns I’ve had desires for other men I desire to know how to schinch desire and if God will help lose my overly sexual drive for him. This man will not bathe at night. Wears cloths over and over. BO is ever present. I went from being the princess of a guy who was first class to a guy who. Doesnt care about sex at all. Is it harmful to him if I mention if he battles with being homosexual? I can undress naked set in whirlpool for hours and he would rather read his 6 pages of news!!! Wow!!!! Even dating after 2 years of my husband death I had to fight some guys off!!! I don’t have to fight him of at all!! This is it…what can I do to get satisfied in my marriage or do I live with it. Not sure I cann
Please help!!!
Dear Lovesong, First may you know that regardless of how your husband is choosing to misbehave God loves and adores you. Your husband’s misconduct can never separate you from that true, pure, unfathomable LOVE that God has for you. You are special in His eyes and He has a wonderful plan and life for you to live out.
I can understand why you are getting really depressed because of this wedge of sin between you and your husband. The Lord does not want you to be brought down because of someone else’s poor, uncontrollable behavior. He wants you to live a joyful, happy, peaceful life and not one that is filled with hidden issues pertaining to your husband.
Because your husband is still dealing with this issue for so many years now, do you know whether he truly accepted the Lord Jesus into his heart as his personal Lord and Savior?
Total and genuine deliverance from any form of spirit or demonic activity can be found only in a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. No amount of prayers, Bible reading, or religious activity can remove the presence of a spirit that resides in a person and continues to control them in some form or another. Jesus Christ is the only permanent solution, and that relationship is gained by repenting of all known sins and placing 100% trust in him as the Lord of your life. When a person does this, he or she becomes a child of God and is then given the Holy Spirit of God to reside inside them. Where the Holy Spirit dwells, no spirit or demon can be present. A Christian cannot be possessed by an evil spirit, but evil spirits will continue to try to attack from without. But Jesus told us that, “greater is He that is in me, then he that is in the world.”
Repentance is an agreeing with God about your sinful condition. It’s a change of mind and heart about sinful things and a true desire to stop doing those things. Once you’re in agreement with how God sees you in your sin, then you can place all your trust in what Christ did on the Cross to take away all your sins and to make you a new person. The Bible says, “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; old things have passed away; behold all things have become new.”
We claim the perfect shed blood of the Lord Jesus Christ to change us mentally and spiritually to overcome the demonic forces that would otherwise control us. The Bible says that before we become children of God, we are children of Satan, and he has complete control over us.
Does he understand that what he is doing is wrong? That he cannot go into his place of employment nor church and be taking photos of women so he can use such for his own personal pleasure. I believe he could actually go to prison for this type of misconduct. I am not a trained counselor and can only give you suggestions as to what steps to take. I have included a few links below that might be of help to you and your husband regarding his problem.
Do you have a few close friends to share your heartache with? We have private online Mentors available to encourage you along through this situation via email. Here is the link: http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/
Here are the links for your husbands benefit:
http://christiananswers.net/q-eden/sexaddictiontips.html
http://www.purelifeministries.org/setting-men-free
One of them offers a list of helplines and various support groups.
At this point, you may want to tell him that is misbehavior is not going to be tolerated and in an effort to help and to protect him, you, and others innocently involved in his misdeeds of the flesh, he is forbidden to enter church or the work place with which ever device he has been using to take pictures of women.
You are in a tough situation at this time BUT as I mentioned early the Lord is with you, He loves you unconditionally no matter what is taking place within your marriage. He will bend over backwards to save you from all that is taking place within you and around you.
Father God, I pray that Your presence fill Lovesong at this moment in time. I ask that the peace of Christ be with her as she deals with this situation she is in. I ask that You protect her from any further heartache from the poor actions conducted by her husband. I pray that Your Spirit will begin to work in his heart and mind like no other time before. If he has not accepted Jesus Christ as His Lord and Savior, I pray that You will draw him to receive the gift of Salvation which will begin to set him free from the bondages he is held captive to. I ask that You give Lovesong strength, wisdom, and clarity as to how you want her to proceed on. In Jesus name I pray, Amen
Oops, oh — and yes I read Every Man’s Battle and watched several of the videos on this site about what he is going through. Thank you so much for your input. God bless you.
Barbara -
Thank you for all of your kind words and prayer that brought me to tears. Answering your questions, he takes the pictures at work and at church (which are the only places he goes … pretty much a hermit. I’ve been taking it to the Lord almost every day for the last 4 months. My husband says he has been praying off and on for 20+ years for the Lord to deliver him from this stronghold and he has only been willing to pray with me for the past two weeks. We live in a small town and go to a church of about 40 people. We tried going to them for help early in our marriage and then again a few months ago. They do not have the knowledge or ability to help us. As for his weight/health, he is not willing to do anything about it. I have had some influence on him this year by changing the way I cook from the foods he wants to what I know is more healthy for us, but he needs to want to exercise and care for himself and he does not. I feel so hopeless in all this and have been getting really depressed : (
Hi Lovesong, so sorry to hear about the hardship you are struggling with regarding having intimate times with your husband. The things your husband is doing, taking pictures of other women and using those photos in his fantasy world, is not healthy for your marriage. Where does he go to take these photos of women? Is it at his place of employment, the internet, at local parks? He is not only violating your marriage vows with you but his conduct is also a violation to these women. He might have acted this way before marrying you, but know you are his wife and he should be turning away from that type of lifestyle. He may have some more serious underlying issues that need to be addressed as well.
Have you prayed to God about changing your husband’s heart, mind, and ways? So many things, especially something like this, need to be brought to the Lord in prayer so He can begin working on your husband’s sex problem. Have you and your husband prayed together as a couple in breaking this stronghold in his life? I know you said you couldn’t afford counseling but have you consider seeking some pastoral help? Can you check with your church and see if they have a pastor that offers marriage counseling? Most of them do not charge for pastoral counseling.
A healthy, well-balanced marriage takes place when “both” partners work at it not just one. You cannot fix your marriage if he is not willing to take ownership of his responsibility of being a husband and good role model within your home. You also mentioned that he is morbidly obese. Has he taken any measures to loose weight so that he can be healthier, which may in fact aid in his in ability to maintain an erection?
You both made a covenant before God, but your husband is breaking his covenant with you by continuing in this manner that is not acceptable in God’s eyes nor should it be accepted by you. It is good that he started reading the book “Every Man’s Battle” and it is helping. Have you read it so you can understand what he is dealing with and what the book suggest that he does in taking steps to be free from his problem?
At this time, I would like to pray for you:
Father God, I pray that You would comfort and help Lovesong through this tough situation she is in with her husband. I pray that You would heal and set her husband free for the inappropriate things he is held bondage to. I ask that You make a way for the two of them to receive help, whether through pastoral counseling or even a support group. I pray that Lovesong will know that You love her unconditionally and that You are beside her no matter what is taking place in her marriage. I ask that You give her wisdom to know what You want her to do and how You want her to deal with this situation. May she realize that she does not have the power to change her husband, but You do if he is willing to cooperate with You in the transformation process. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen
Hi! I was so happy to find this conversation. My 5th anniversary is almost here and my husband and I have not had any intimacy/sex for over 4 1/2 years. He has been wrapped up in a fantasy world where he has to be sadistically controlling since he was about sixteen. He is a very gentle, quiet and reclusive man. He tried to have sex with me the 1st few months of our marriage, but between his inability to be with me mentally (has to fantasize to reach orgasm) and his difficulty maintaining erection (he’s morbidly obese and had open heart surgery 7 yrs ago) — he told me he wanted to stop even trying to have any intimacy with me. I was understanding and never complained, but also assumed he was going to work on this problem so that we might be able to come together again someday. He told me a few months ago that he has continued in his fantasy life (usually several times a week) and almost lost his job once because he takes pictures of other women to use for his fantasies. I have been able to get him to start reading “Every Man’s Battle” and he says it’s helping, but not completely. We cannot afford counseling and I don’t know what else to do to help him. I have been reading lots of good books marriage, but he’s not willing to be the man God calls him to be in our relationship and I have become so very tired of the one-sidedness of this marriage. I know we made a covenant before God and neither of us wants to break that, but my husband does not really want to change. What do I do please?
It is very possible that he was molested. And if he was it is an awful struggle for him. I am the wife of a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and it takes all of my love and strength. The abuse he was subjected to changed every thing for him. Inam neglected emotionally and physically but he is trying. He is getting therapy and I am doing my best to be patient and understanding. But it is NOT easy. Not at all. But I let his love for me and our children guide me. I am loyal to him because I want to save our marriage and our life together. But trust me it is hard. I am also a victim of the abuse from so many years ago. I almost lost it this week crying myself to sleep but I know he is trying. I am going to be patient and do my best. Pray that god guides us and helps him heal. I would suggest you get a couples therapist and get to the bottom of the issues and be honest about other partners at the least for safety sake (STDs and what not). Good luck.
Hi Candace, I would be totally grateful for sex once a week especially now! When I was younger (your age) I had multiple partners whilst being married because my husband would travel away and his sex drive was always too low for me and he was never available! What sort of a relationship was that?! My life was pretty good as long as I didn’t want any more from our married relationship. If I attempted to “make it better”, connect more with him etc etc, I was only sorely disappointed and often thought that perhaps he had meany partners whils the was travelling so was often felt so angry about his lack of commitment. He always said he was loyal to me but that seems pretty unlikely to me. I suspect he was molested as a child and there are skeletons in the closet.. Good luck. My girlfriend said “help yourself” and figures that men are 5 or ten years older than us biologically and if they don’t look after themselves we are flogging dead horses..
Hi Jasmin, How’s life going for you and yours? It has bothered me for several weeks now, that your husband ALSO needs help, not just you. I do not know why he was holding back, but the following could help him mentally as well as physically. There are various products on the market that can help him gain interest in sex. If he is willing, you / he could look for them on the internet. Human Growth Hormone stimulates the whole body to be more vigorous, there are products that stimulate only the sex organs (which I know has helped someone). Some are not hormones at all but stimulate the body to produce its own hormone. These are mild products that can be stopped any time without problems. Blessings, Alfred.
Hi Always Hoping, I’m not sure why you thought your comment would get deleted. I think you raise a good point. We always tell husbands that if their wife doesn’t want sex one of the things to consider is that there may have been abuse or rape in the past. Of course the same could apply for men. I am very sorry to hear what happened to your husband. I am encouraged to hear that he is getting help. That is incredibly brave. I know it’s hard to be patient, but it sounds like he is doing the best thing he can right now. This therapy is probably pulling a lot of uncomfortable memories and feelings to the surface for him so try to be extra gentle with him. Let him know how much you love him and give him a strong, encouraging environment to do the work of healing in.
Also, you might consider seeing a counsellor yourself to get some strategies and support as you walk through this with your husband. You have also been affected by the abuse he suffered – not in the same way of course, but it has had an impact on your sexual relationship with your husband. It might be helpful for you to also have a place to talk that out and make sure that any anger you may be feeling is directed at the abusers and not at your husband. You might have left over feelings from before you knew what happened. If you can work through those in a counselling environment you’re less likely to find them coming out during an argument. There’s two of you in this thing, you should both have support as you walk through it.
Have any of you considered that your husbands may have been sexually abused some time in their past? I know it is hard to admit or consider and I’m sure I will get deleted from the site but that is what I’m struggling with. My husband was sexually abided by two female teenage babysitters when he was a child. They drugged him with sleep and allergy medicine and then sexually abuse him. He did not really come to deal with it until we had children. I always knew something wasn’t “right” with sex but it got worse when we had kids. He finally admitted it and since then we barely have sex. He is do scarred and damaged. It used to be more difficult. Sleepless nights. Crying myself to sleep. Doing anything I could, altermadums, threats of leaving, divorce, or just always initiating and hoping he would respond. But now it’s worse. Now that I know this I almost have to tolerate it but at the same time he is also getting help and I’m hoping things will improve. Please, to all of you, consider this as a possibility and do some research. Perhaps this might be the scenario and if you discover it and your husbands tell the truth maybe you can start healing. If anyone wants to email me let me know and we can exchange emails.
I too have this issue with my husband not wanting intimacy with me. I’ve been going through counseling for depression, the Enemy has truly used this to affect how I view myself. It’s been about 1-1/2 or 2 years now, I’ve lost count. It breaks my heart, and I keep hoping but am wondering if it’s a false hope. Even tonight he pushed me away again. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been rejected by him. Yet he says he loves me, and the changes I have made through counseling have improved our communication significantly. I’ve asked him if there is anything I can do differently, he says no. We’ve had many teary eyes discussions about our sex life, and no change on his part. He tells me to not give up on him. I’m not sure if it will ever be something I get to enjoy with him again, and as a 30 year old it might also mean I never get to have a kids. This whole thing breaks my heart and I have no one in my life that I can safely talk about this with except my counselor, and she tells me to keep trying. Oh Lord, please save my marriage and rekindle the fire in my husbands heart.
Hi again, Jasmin,
Sometimes God gets us to answer our own prayers. As I was thinking about your situation and praying for answers for you, it came to me that maybe your husband needs an ultimatum: Something like, “No supper tomorrow unless we have sex tonight. Also, no clean socks for you unless we have sex again in 4 days. Let’s try for sex twice / week for a month, and you may be surprised at the joy you will experience at seeing me truly happy!”
That will take both courage and diplomacy, guided by prayer for perfect timing. God can prepare his heart to receive what you tell him. Continuing to pray for your marriage, Alfred.
THe comments here are making me cry. I have lived this reality for the past 10 years. I know what it’s like to cry yourself to sleep because your husband won’t touch you. It is awful! My husband too will talk about it but then there is no action. I feel lied to and betrayed thinking that our marriage was going to be awesome and that somehow this issue was mine. I’ve gone to personal counselling and changed how I behave and act but still nothing. I am lucky to have sex once every 2 months. It’s been as long as a year at some points- it nearly killed me. It’s caused me to battle personal depression feeling that I was unattractive and unloved. I wish I could fix it or that he would want to fix it. It does make me feel better knowing that I am not alone. I am sorry that others are experiencing this and believe me I know your pain- it courses through my heart and veins on a daily basis!
Dear Jasmin,
My heart goes out to you. Your husband is much too comfortable to make any change; in fact, I do not know what it will take to shock him into action! I really like what Jamie says in both her writings. She seems to be giving great advice, especially the last half-paragraph of the August 1 writing.
Dear Heavenly Father, I lift up to you Jasmin’s husband, and ask that You help him to see and feel how hungry she is for sex. Give him the stimulus to do for her what she wants! Catch him where it hurts, so that even if he does not feel like it, he will choose to please his wife (even up to 3 times per week). Help him to find joy in meeting her need!!! YOU are the one will help them in a way will heal their marriage from being one-sided. Thanking You in advance, we pray in Jesus’ name, Amen.
It’s comforting to know that it’s not only me who has this problem. My husband never wants sex. I talked to him about it and explained everything. He said he understood but after weeks has passed nothing happened. I’m just tired of waiting to be touched. It’s so frustrating that even I told him that he’s pushing me to do stuff that I’m not supposed to do, he does nothing. He always tellse he can’t help it. He doesn’t want it. I wonder how about me. How about my needs? I sometimes want to fulfill my needs by looking for a boyfriend. I even told him that thinking that he’d promise to change. He was so confident that I won’t do it.
For the record, he’s so great in bed when he does it. He often jokes that he goes for quality than quantity. But, what is quality if it’s once a month? I’m so hurt. He’s even aware that I often cry myself to sleep. He says he geeks sorry for me but I’ve got to understand him.
I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do. I want sex so badly, I feel like a sex maniac.
Hi Hershey, I know that this can be such a difficult issue to deal with. I think one of the reasons is that a lot of couples do not talk about their sex life together. We assume that it is a natural process that needs no words to make it work well. I don’t buy that. It is my opinion that the beauty of love is the intertwining of our hearts in unity and mutual understanding and that happens best when we are intentionally communicating with each other. Our sexual is dependent on our understanding of one another. If we expect to clearly understand each other without verbal interaction we run the risk of misunderstanding and hurt.
There is something going on in your husband’s life that has impacted his desire for sexual union with you. He may or not be aware of what that something is. There is also something going on in your life that is causing you to have anxiety about your husband’s diminished sexual attention. In order for both of you to better know yourselves and each other you need to help each other explore and deal with those things. This is not a conversation that begins with a loaded question like, “Why aren’t you attracted to me anymore?” The tone of the conversation needs to be much less accusatory and much more about a safe environment for mutual exploration. It is probably not a conversation that begins in bed when you are feeling “in the mood” and hoping for some affection. Make a date when you can talk about your feelings about sex, attraction, and needs. It is full of questions like “Why do you think sex is important in a relationship?”, “Are there times when our intimacy has been more memorable than others?”, “How do you see our sexual intimacy change as we get older?” Be ready to share how you view the role of sex in a relationship, what gives you the most pleasure and how he has met your needs in the past. A lot of couples find that reading a book about sex together can be a good catalyst for this kind of conversation. Some goods ones are “Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage” (Dr. Kevin Leman) and “Intended for Pleasure” (Ed M.D. Wheat).
I am a 42 yr old women and my man is 41. We have a great relationship other than he has stopped having sex with me. I have tried everything! I have talked to him. Dressed sexy. I cook, clean, cried and he has blamed his lack of desire on being tired, stressed, and me. We have sex maybe once a month. He is a great lover and we have such a good connection. Our sex life used to be great but now it happens so infrequently that I don’t know what to think. I really don’t think its an affair, and its not ED. He has just lost interest. Int he meantime, I am in my sexual prime. Please someone, tell me what to do?
You’re right Michelle. There are probably more men who suffer sexual issues as a result of being taken advantage of when they were younger than what many people realize. It is not an easy thing to talk about and so goes unreported. I would imagine that it is not something that your husband wants to talk about and so it continues to impact him and your family. Have you looked at some of the articles we have by Barbara Wilson? (See a list of all her articles at http://powertochange.com/blogposts/author/bwilson/) She talks a lot about sexual healing. Her stuff is geared towards women but I am sure there are some transferable concepts for men as well. She also has some books that deal with healing from abuse that are referred to in her articles. Another helpful book is Dan Allender’s “The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse” (http://www.amazon.com/Wounded-Heart-Victims-Childhood-Sexual/dp/1600063071/ref=sr_1_sc_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1330451090&sr=1-1-spell)
I don’t know that I have any great ideas but I am a big advocate of communication. These kinds of problems can either become a wall between spouses or they can become avenues for growing deeper together. What will make the difference is how you approach the conversation around it. If the husband completely shuts down and will not allow his wife to ever understand that can be devastating. If the wife keeps pushing and becomes critical and upset that too can become an isolating pattern. You need to go slow and help coax him to uncover the emotions and shame he feels. You need to make sure that he isn’t pressured but feels safe in open up the painful memories to you. Don’t allow your sexual frustration to charge your emotions but instead view this as your act of service and love to something that has really influenced who your husband has become.
The Bible talks about the many ailments that Jesus healed while He was here on Earth. I think the emotional wounds that we have encountered are just as deadly as the physical ones. Jesus promised that He can take the weight of our hurt and pain from us as we learn to depend on Him. He said “Come to me all of you who are weary and burdened by life and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28) That promise is both for you and your husband. I don’t know what your experience with Jesus has been but He can and will set you free from the weight of your husband’s abuse. Find your rest in Him.
Cutie. You and I seem to have a very similar problem. It’s an awful feeling to have a husband who does not have sexual interest. I have beaten myself up over it for years. Ive tried to initiate then get sick of being pushed away. So then I decide not to do anything hoping he will initiate. Then months go by. I have discussed it with him for years over and over again. I have offered support then after months threatened divorce. It’s awful. I love him and we have a wonderful life and family. I finally know now what the issue is and was very dissapointed that power-to-change did not have it as a reason in their article. It was completely ignored. The reasons they gave was lack of attraction, a medical problem such as ED or low T, the wife making him feel less of a man, or lack of confidence. But no one brought up one of the major reasons why some men have no interest in sex or strange sex addictions – it is a psychological issue cause by childhood rape or molestation. My husband is a survivor of this but it has impacted his entire life. I want to support him but he doesnt do anything to get better or get us better. It’s always promises. I don’t know how long I can be in a sexless marriage. I feel like we are more roommates than anything. Bedtime is awful. I used to cry myself to sleep every night now I just take some
Benedryl and go to bed. He curls over, spoons me and is off to sleep too. And he doesn’t think months of no intimacy is a problem. I think the only way I can get him to have sex with me now is if I demand it or for us to have another baby which we both want. Other than that I feel trapped in this situation. I feel awful he went through what he did but if he doesn’t try to get better then the people who hurt him will win by also hurting his family as I can’t imagine our marriage lasting at this rate.
I changed my name to angels because I see that there is another user with the same name and spelling as mine….just so there is no confusion!
cutie…is it possible that your husband has erectile dysfunction? Would he feel comfortable talking to his GP about the problem? Age is doesn’t have anything to do with love, but it can affect a man’s sex drive and issues with an erection.
Once a week? :) with us it’s once in 1-2 months, if so (I give up remembering the day not to be shocked…).. I am 27, he is over 40.. But age never seemed to be a problem with his pro-active life-views and life-style… It all started as a “booom”!! but, quite a few years passed…. daily life, major changes (moved to another country), stresses and simply worries, work until late (major factor).. I am there to cook dinner for him (or sometimes put back to the fridge as he “had to eat out with customer”, which I don’t have a single doubt about, that’s not the issue..)… am feeling we are more and more disconnected.. And I do love him, and I believe he does love me… but, indeed, sex seems like my own caprise, which sometimes makes him pissed off for me to try talking about it.. I cried alone, I talked..we agreed for changes… it’s same… I decided to just let it go and put myself entirely into some activity, like study or building my own career life… to just cause no conflicts, I must forget about sex at all…… what should I do…
Candace, It sounds like you’ve done a lot to show your husband what you want, have you tried talking to him about it? Does he know that you would like more sex? Conversations about sex can be complicated so to make it go a little easier, make sure that he does not feel ambushed. Make sure that he knows that you are happy with the quality of sex you are having, you’d just like more of it. Make it a project you’re both working on together rather than something he needs to change or fix. You could phrase it like, “I was wondering how we could adjust our schedules so that we have more time together” or something that shows that you are with him in making this change. Don’t bring it up when he’s tired and don’t interrupt hobby time to do it either. Look for a time when you’re both together, relaxed and happy and then bring it up. He’s less like to feel attacked and it’s a much easier conversation to have when you already have his attention.
My husband never seems to want to have sex with me. I try to dress in a way that will make him want me- and it’s like I am invisible. I cook him supper every night, go to the gym 4 days a week, keep the house super clean, let him partake in his hobbies, etc and STILL nothing. He is perfectly content with us having sex once a week. He’s 32 years old and I’m 28 years old. I feel like I am FINALLY coming into myself and feeling like a woman. I have more confidence than I ever have. I want to have sex constantly, and be loved on- and have some fun with the person I adore. (He’s content doing his hobbies). I’m getting extremely frustrated. I don’t know what to do.