He Doesn’t Want Sex Video provided by: TruthMedia Films

Guys are supposed to be crazy about sex, right? So what do you do when your husband isn’t interested? In 25% of marriages the wife has a higher sex drive than her husband. So how do you get on the same page when it comes to sex? Relationship expert Sheila Wray Gregoire offers four main reasons why a man might not want to make love, and what you can do to help.

Take the next step:

Help! My husband doesn’t want sex 
Help! My wife doesn’t want sex 
Does your marriage need help? We are here to listen.

EmailPrint

26 Responses to “He Doesn’t Want Sex”

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Hi Chris, I think there’s something to what you’re saying here. I wish we could change the way that church talks about sex. So often all we hear in church is a version of, “Sex is dirty and disgraceful and bad until you get married and then it’s beautiful and you’re allowed to like it.” Our sexuality is not a sin, it’s part of our biology. It’s part of how we were created. How we express that sexuality, what we choose to do or not do with our bodies is an outworking of our faith. There’s a big difference between learning and practicing self-control and feeling a weight of shame for even having those feelings in the first place.

    There are some great books on sex in marriage – Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman is a classic. I don’t know if it would be helpful pre-marriage, but it might be a good resource to help recalibrate your view of sex.

    I do not believe that it was God’s intention for us to render ourselves asexual. The Gnostics believed that the body is essentially evil, but I don’t see that in the Bible. God looked on what He had created and it was good. That doesn’t mean that free love is the answer – God has some pretty solid reasons for keeping sex inside the bonds the marriage. But it does mean that battle is not oppress sexuality until it’s warped but rather to learn how to manage treat our bodies and other people’s bodies with honour and respect. That’s always going to be a challenge in a world that tells us to have as much sex as we can as often as possible, but it is possible.

  • Chris says:

    On a slightly related note….

    I was at work the other night and thinking about the depression and anger that plagued me throughout much of my teen years, and I think much of it can be linked to Jesus’s words about lust in Matthew. I often felt guilty and angry when I felt any kind of sexual urge, and since adolescence is a time when we guys feel that frequently, there was a ton of anger and guilt. It wasn’t until fairly recently that I saw a minister on TV teach that the purpose of those passages wasn’t to make us feel guilty or repress our sexuality, but to emphasize God’s grace and to make us realize how much we need Him in our daily lives. It was like, “Gee, NOW someone tells me.” I recently deleted my Christian Mingle profile because I don’t want kids and, because of that tremendous spritual burden, I’ve pretty much rendered myself asexual. 

    I wonder if maybe some of the men that the ladies have mentioned have been through the same thing.

  • tara says:

    Oops I meant now if HE would just find a way to fix it…

  • tara says:

    Thank you Doris. we are still working on it. Some days are harder than others. thank you for your prayers. I wish it was easy for me to hold on to God during the times when I feel so bad. I commented to my husband just last week that its hard for me to trust the love of Christ and the love of God since he is the one that’s supposed to be expressing that love to me. In my simple mortal mind if my husband who I can see in the flesh can’t love me intimately then how can God who i can’t see. I know this sounds very childish. My concept of love is already warped because of an abusive father.but I have learned that my father should have shown me Godly love. our fathers are supposed to be the earthly representation of God. And our husbands are supposed to be the earthly representation of Christ. I have tried to stand on my own two feet and not need my husband, but it is impossible because we are the same flesh. I depend on him for so much. And I think that that’s the way it’s supposed to be.just as recently as last night I was apologizing to my husband for being weaker than he has. I told him I was sorry that God did not make me stronger. And I don’t just mean physically I don’t have the same fortitude that my husband has. His strength gives me strength. And his weaknesses cause me to stumble.  I am grateful that God made it this way because when its good its awesome! But when things go south and we become distant it’s like a living hell. i know often times the stress and anxiety of this life and all the work that we have to do is the main problem. He worries more than I do and that keeps him distracted from enjoying what we have together today. I know that you’re right about focusing on my relationship with Christ and praying.I know I feel like giving up sometimes, I wish there was a way around that feeling. But I intend on sticking with it. My husband is my best friend and that is why it hurts so bad. He does however admit that he neglects his duties as a husband and has neglected my needs. at least he does see that there’s a problem. now if you would just find a way to fix it rather than ignore it and hope it will go away.

  • Doris Beck Doris says:

    Tara,
    My heart goes out to you. As you can tell from the comments left on this article, you are not alone, but that doesn’t help much when you are the one that is feeling rejected. It’s difficult not to concentrate on that when your husband isn’t responding to your physical needs.

    You mentioned in your comment that your pastor has offered to counsel you. Let your husband know that this is an area that is deeply impacting you and that you need for him to go with you for the pastor’s counsel. He needs to realize what this is doing to you and how it is affecting every area of your life. You said that you have tried to talk to him many times…don’t give up talking to him.

    Ask God to help you and concentrate on your relationship with God. I would like to echo Kate’s prayer above for you:(she said it so very well)

    Dear Lord, only You know every detail of Tara’s life, past, present and future, and more wondrously You know her heart and the heart of her husband. Lord, I ask for Your mercy upon them. I thank You for their lives, for the good that You are able to bring out of every situation, and for Your awesome power to redeem, restore, renew and even resurrect from the dead. Lord, I praise You because from the dust and ashes You are able to make beautiful things. I pray for Your hand upon Tara, for Your Spirit to fill her heart, cleanse her wounds, and bind them up. I thank You Father for answering all these prayers, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

    Tara, I know that only God can heal the hurts in your marriage…don’t give up on Him.

  • tara says:

    This is the problem I have in my marriage. The feelings of rejection are so bad I don’t know what to do anymore. Just last night my husband and I went to bed and i closed the door (a hint that it was time for some private time.) We were passionately kissing and I told him point blank that I wanted to make love to him. His comeback was “I can’t believe you would say something like that!” He said he need an hour to have sex so I would be happy. I told him I’d be happy just to be doing it at all and then I turned over and went to sleep very angry! . It has been like this for going on 2 yrs now. Once a month and it doesn’t last long. I feel like trash. I have considered just giving up on the marriage. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a man who puts me in a position where I am considering looking for an affair. I don’t want to do it!! the thought of another man other than my husband makes me sick. But I need to feel beautiful and loved. I have tried to talk to him many, MANY times. But he simply will not respond to my needs. Our pastor has even offered to counsel us. I asked my husband to pray about it… that was a week and a half ago and he has not said one word to me about it. I don’t want him touching me anymore! His touch makes me want to be with him and then when I ask for it I am made to feel like I am imposing on him. I use to care about the problem, now I am just bitter and resentful. It hurts me more than he can imagine. He doesn’t want me that way and it is breaking my heart. I use to feel like something was wrong with me. Now I know HE is the one with the problem. When he denies me my right as a married woman he is putting me in a dangerous position. I am starting to drift away from God now. I can feel the anger and rebellion rising up in me. I actually have physical cravings for an orgasm at my age. At least once a month I can’t resist the stress any longer so I take care of it myself. But it leaves me feeling empty, distant from God and very angry with my husband. I have been trying for so long to get his attention …. today I am on the verge of giving up totally this time. He won’t seek help with me. He has lots of reasons (excuses) but won’t lift a finger to fix the problem. The saying is true the only time there is ever a problem with sex is when one person isn’t getting any. What I would give to have a husband that would pursue me relentlessly! I’d love to have the chance to say “not tonight honey.” I am desperate for it though. So much so that I’ll take anything he gives, I usually just settle for whatever he will give me. I hate him for doing this to me! Its not right!

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    So Konie, did your husband say why there was a change? I think that has to be a part of the discussion around this. If he just says he will try without identifying the reason for the change it is likely that his efforts will fall flat.

  • Konie says:

    Kimberly, I have been married with my husband for 25 years. I to have the same problem, however I think my issue is even worse. I have gone through a year without having sex with my husband. We love each other very much, but he is just not interested in me in a sexual way. We have talked about it and he says that he will try but nothing has changed. I have tried many times and have been rejected. I am very frustrated and don’t know what to try anymore. I have tried to spice things up by doing different things. Sure he has enjoyed it, but I feel like I am the one who is putting alot of effort to make our relationship work. I have given up trying to make the first move. I pray that one day he will wake up and see me the way he saw me when we first met…

  • Kate Kate says:

    Dear Amy,

    I am so sorry to hear about what must be awful pain for you. The aches of the heart can run so deep. Have you posted elsewhere on our site? I recall reading a similar story earlier from another woman, but do not recall if that was you. I wonder how you have coped these 45 years? What are things like for you now? I would find it amazing if, after all these 45 years, the only thing you have concluded about your husband is that his “sexual brain matter is screwed up”. Has there not been any growth, learning, uncovering of what is going on underneath? I want to pray for you:

    Dear Lord, only You know every detail of Amy’s life, past, present and future, and more wondrously You know her heart and the heart of her husband. Lord, I ask for Your mercy upon them. I thank You for their lives, for the good that You are able to bring out of every situation, and for Your awesome power to redeem, restore, renew and even resurrect from the dead. Lord, I praise You because from the dust and ashes You are able to make beautiful things. I pray for Your hand upon Amy, for Your Spirit to fill her heart, cleanse her wounds, and bind them up. I thank You Father for answering all these prayers, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

    Amy, maybe you’d consider connecting with one of our online mentors? They would be glad to talk with you and encourage you. The request form is online: http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/

    Please write again anytime. Blessings,

    Kate

  • Amy says:

    My husband is one of those whose sexual brain matter is screwed up. I thought like I suppose other gals that men were wired for sex. Thats not true !!! Weve been married 45 years and only had sex and intimacy once. That was my first, last and only time. It didn’t last long and it was uncomfortable, when we were done he sat out on the hotel patio the rest of the night. He decided at the last minute that he wasn’t going on a honeymoon with me or anyone else. He suggested I go alone and I would find some guy to be with. GOD that made me so mad. He then decided he would move to the basement and I was told to leave him alone and don’t talk to him. So here I was just married and forgotten about already.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Kimberly don’t buy into the lie that you are a failure. I know it is an easy thing to start thinking but it will become a destructive thought pattern that will swing you between feeling inadequate as a wife and bitter towards your husband. It will become a cancer in your relationship that will drive you apart more and more.

    Instead, let me encourage you to look at this as an opportunity for you both to get to know each other on a deep level. There is something intrinsic in you to be desired by your husband. He needs to know about that so that he can love you for the way that God made you. You need to be able to understand that better so that you are not controlled by your passions but can respond to life in a more thoughtful, intentional way. Equally there is some aspect of your husband that both you and he need to better understand to be a stronger couple and healthier individuals.

    So together walk this pathway to each other’s souls in an attitude of love and mutual respect, not looking to change one another but rather to understand who and why you are who you are. And what you will find is that as you uncover together the intricacies of your lives your level of intimacy will equally deepen.

    Guard against accusations and demands. Instead let your conversation be motivated by a desire to explore and discover. Yes there will be times that you will be hurt or will say something that hurts him but deal with those quickly. Those can also become new trails to other parts of the soul. Don’t hold grudges or try to hurt back. Accept that you are both looking for the same goal but have different ways of getting there. It is those differences that make the journey so much more rewarding.

    You will notice that I haven’t said, “This is why he doesn’t want you” or “This is what you should do to make him want you.” Those things are secondary and obviously I don’t know either of you well enough at all to be able to make any useful suggestions like that. I am confident that as you go through this process of mutual discovery you will be much better equipped than anyone else to figure out how to answer those questions. So talk to him about this process. Agree together that you are going to discover these parts of who you as individuals and as a couple are. Set down some ground rules that will help both of you avoid making this a fight. Expect the best of each other and enjoy the journey together. It is that journey of discovery that makes life together so rewarding.

  • Kimberly says:

    Sometimes I feel like my husband just isn’t attracted to me, but then some random days he is. We are great friends, and he does love to cuddle and sit on the couch, but he never seems to want sex. I feel like if sex is going to happen, I have to initiate it, and it doesn’t necessary mean it will happen. It is depressing that my husband never seems to initiate it. I feel like I have to physically turn him on in order for something to happen. I know he doesn’t look at porn, and is very against it. I also know that maybe his job is stressful, and yes when he comes home he wants to relax. However, I feel sometimes like a failure in that I can’t seem to turn him on. I can usually manage to have sex once a week. Is this normal? I know that he loves me, but why doesn’t he “want” me? He “says” he does, when I confronted him nicely about it, but why can’t he show it or take the initiative? I’m pretty sure that if I stop initiating it, we would never do it. I don’t want to just be his best friend, I want more. I want him to want me. What do I do? Why can’t he show that he wants me if he supposedly “wants me all the time?”

  • Brother T says:

    Hello All! I hope many of you read this and really hear what is being said. There have been times i have slipped into viewing adult porn myself in the past. I actually hate it and do not know why really i have. All i can say is it does have to do with hurting and loneliness. You see porn has never been an addiction of mine,yet at times i resorted to it sinning against my Holy God! It is not even enjoyable anymore and when i’ve fallen to it i just seem to be a zombie staring with all kinds of thoughts and feelings going through my mind.Nothing stimulating,just sadness . Yes when young it was forced on me and unfortunately at a young age i was encouraged to look at it through life. The relationships i had into adult years ,i seemed to manage to be with people that truly liked it and felt it added to relationships wich indeed gave me a distorted way of thinking. The truth is i’m Addicted to God,more than to any desire for porn. God fills the void and even when i feel alone i know i’m not alone. But at the same time when you reach out to others and cry out for acceptance,friendship & Love from my sisters and brothers in Christ,and barelty get any,it hurts. Yes God is here,but we all need people and God often works through people. When you have a passion for Christ ,in love with Him ,breathing life into people but barely ever recieving a breath back it is discouraging and loneley. Years ago before becoming a born again Christian saved by grace through faith in Christ alone,i was popular with many people in my life. I recieved more love from people then ,than as a believer now for many of years. God loves me but very few others seem to now. I’m a loving caring person that lives for God led by the Holy Spirit most of the time. I reach out to others and spread the Love of Christ among the brethern especially but get little in return and after awhile the well starts to run dry when that happens. I’m grateful to God for the Christian websites i have subscribed to and all involved but lets be honest. There is no physical social contact and communication ,and i do not know about you all. But i desperately need that. With my circumstances it is harder then most. Unfortunately the enemy is able to use people in my life to constantly remind me of the past.brand me with a certain stigma and never let me forget long ago mistakes made. I’m trapped by a system i want out of so i can move on to my fullest potential in Christ! My love is real for Him and i’m just sick of the enemy. I want to be totally free from the cruel and unusual abuse of a system that is doing much worse to me and longer than i ever did in my life. It is very sad and all of this leads me to feel lonely even though i know i’m not. I can not earn my way to Heaven and do not have to because Christ already took care of that for us on the Cross. I do good because i want to for what God has done for me. Yet i fail sometimes slipping to things i hate and get no enjoyment out of anymore whatsover.Things the world thinks is ok and normal no big deal,but things i know that grieve God,and are not ok to Him! I see people different now through the eyes of God. I’m no threat whatsoever to society. God knows that! See it seems nobody really wants to love undesirables who have been honest about things. Many Christians would rather shunn than love a person like me. I do not want to be a victim anymore ever. The system just keeps me one and i still need healing from my own stuff that has happened to me in my life. Most i have healed from and i thank God. With the system however there are some things it brings up that i had buried in memory that happened to me. I want to speak out,but the other part says just forgive and move on. That is what i want and need so despeately to do. Please pray that my loneliness at times does not lead to trying to fill the void ever again in such a ugly way as adult pornography. It tares me apart with guilt every the few times i viewed it as a believer. I do not even want to but have at times. There is no addiction and it has nothing to do with sex. It is just that i need a bit more love atleast of God working through others. I need relationship. I need friends again. Never could i imagine getting less love from believers than i got from non believers. Yes sometimes it was a wrong love shown to me and a fake love shown to me. But there was even more genuine love from them then,than there is now from believers. It would atleast be nice to have a couple that i send poems and songs to pretty much daily,to just send an encouraging line maybe saying keep it going brother for God! Or i love you brother. Anything! Just something atleast a little from the people in my church that are supposed to be my brothers and sisters in this all together.Pray i be obedient to God nomatter how little love for me by others here. I just want to worship God,Love and be Loved with the hope of doing much more for our King to glorify Him. Thank you for letting me share and God bless you all. Forever in Christ! Brother T.

  • Jen says:

    The number one reason was so TRUE! Its an epidemic now! All the reasons that were given were great!

  • Dudely says:

    @Andrew

    I think you’re only looking at the extreme end of things. If a man is watching porn for four hours he has a PROBLEM!

    If he’s watching porn because he has emotional problems then it’s the emotional problems that are causing the issue, is it not? It’s a terrible idea to try to heal through something like watching porn, so yes, in that case watching porn is making everything worse. However, in this case stopping porn consumption won’t fix the problem- the problem is still there. It’ll just stop it from getting worse.

    It’s a far cry to jump from that, especially when it’s not an issue for the vast majority of men, and say “Is your husband not interested in you? Maybe he’s (GASP) watching PORN!” I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to stand by my insistence that those kinds of remarks be held up with some solid data. People have claimed porn does any number of things. You need to actually study the issue and be scientific about it if you wish to determine the reality of the situation.

    Please note that if the video phrased it in a different way- like leading up to the issue of porn, especially when combined with other problems- I would have no issue at all. It the idea that porn itself is bad 100% of the time that just seems archaic and wrong. There’s nothing magical about seeing a naked woman.

  • Andrew Andrew says:

    @Dudely,

    My dear friend you are very sadly mistaken your sadly mistaken if you don’t believe that watching porn does not dull the senses where he looses interest in in having contact with his wife. There are many reasons that men watch porn and get addicted to porn as often it is the results of insecurities that a man has. The more porn a man watches the less interested he is interested in physical contact with his wife.

    Many woman are devastated when they discover that their husband are watching porn because they broke the trust. Porn robs the wife of what belongs to her and in your mind you may believe that he is having more sex however when he is looking at the image on a screen which is more appealing than the true form of a real woman. It has nothing to do that he is incapable to perform but often a hurt that he is trying to heal through Porn. Many wives whose husbands are addicted to porn would definitely disagree with your assessment because the man sure is not ready and willing to make love to his wife after watching 4 hours of porn when he returns to bed! God Bless

  • Tom says:

    No jA . . . not all men watch porn. Porn addiction is more than an occasional peek at the Penny’s catalog underwear ads. Addiction means just that … addiction. People who are addicted usually are addicted to something about the porn that they are not getting in a relationship. Addiction is something that steals your life from you, and steals you from those you love. Consider this.. Most of the people who are involved in porn are a victim of some kind. It may not be apparent, but most of them have someone in the background allowing or encouraging them to partake in the porn. In some cases they may even be forced.

    Nope, all men do not watch porn. I find it sleazy and I also feel it has an effect on my connection with God.

    Now, God would be something to become addicted to!

    T

  • Dudely says:

    PORN is the problem he’s not interested in sex? Are you serious? Watching porn is a hollow, emotionless act usually done alone, and it’s only moderately relieving of sexual tension in any case.

    If you want to claim that porn “rewires the brain” you’re going to have to prove it. Of the studies I’ve read the opposite is the case- men who watch porn tend to have more sex than men who don’t. Maybe it’s because they’re just more comfortable with themselves, maybe it’s because men who shy away from porn tend to shy away from ALL form of sex acts- who knows! But it certainly doesn’t seem to REDUCE interest in sex.

  • jA says:

    Though admittedly, the rest of the advice isn’t bad.

  • jA says:

    BAD idea to try to make your husband stop watching porn. He will simply resent you and try to hide it more. Most if not all dudes watch porn…and there is still plenty of sex being had in this country/world, so this advice is simply erroneous. A porn addiction might be detrimental to a person…but recreational/occasional porn watching isn’t going to ruin you on sex. This advice is merely coming from an extremely conservative standpoint from people who are afraid of sex outside of the tiny little “heterosexual marriage” box….

  • Andrew Andrew says:

    @Kristy
    One of the most difficult issues in life is facing rejection whether you are a man or woman. Often when men who are in Christian service or ministry which sounds like your husband you become an afterthought which results in rejection on a continual basis. A human being can only suffer rejection so long until their becomes a need for escape and if your husband does not fulfill your desires then often porn is the temporary solution. Only problem is the deeper a person becomes involved the more difficult it is to break out of the circle.

    Often people believe that porn is the problem when in actuality it is the utter feeling of rejection that a person feels so rejected to help ease the feeling of rejection porn becomes the solution as self gratification eases the pain of rejection however only temporarily.

    Rejection in the sexual sense is one of the worse things that a person can go through in life as it makes you believe that a person is not wanted. Which is the reason that people turn to porn including men and woman. A person can only handle so much rejection so the question becomes what to do after constant rejection as seeking sex with others or porn only temporarily deals with the problem. You may say to yourself I would never seek sex with another man however what the mind thinks they become and watching porn is the next step towards a sexual relationship. Given the opportunity it would be impossible to say no.

    The solution is simple but so difficult as the first course of action is to seek a Christian psychologist to discuss the issues of rejection come from as from your brief comments the issues are hidden deep inside of your soul. With out the guidance of a wise Christian psychologist & prayer asking Christ to show why you will not be able to be healed the root cause need to be discovered. If he has rejected you like you feel he has then one of the suggestions I would make is to be use extreme wisdom and much prayer on how to deal with the issue of telling him about seeing a Psychologist. It would be critical that the Psychologist you seek would not be know to yourself or husband. I know your crying out for help and their is hope through counseling and Christs wisdom it is not all your fault as to get healing you need to deal with the deep hurts. Then with Christ deal with the relationship of your husband. God Bless

  • Harold says:

    This video does cover relationship components of intimacy and provides good recommendations., I would like to offer some ideas also: one, if it is low testosterone then a good testosterone building supplement from a legitimate health store/chiropractor, secondly if one has a sacral nerve issue try different positioning to limit the pain of having sex. Now another recommendation is what time are you having sex? When the man has a different job schedule than his wife then maybe it’s a scheduling issue, for example,if I work at 5:30 am then I don’t want to have sex at 11 pm, because of sleep requirements needed which I deem as important as sexual intimacy. I hope these recommendations from an occupational therapy assistant help.

  • Kristy says:

    I am totally derailing from earlier comments & this might not b the format for my issues. Nonetheless; first, I (as a wife) have become more interested in porn & self-gratification because I’m weary of waiting for my husband to be interested. Second, I appreciate the video given; it reminded me of the amt. of stress he experiences. But I have so much resentment of past hurts (non-sexual, e.g.; hurtful comments, absences from family activities, etc.), as well as personal guardedness w/ feelings of rejection, that I find it hard to want to HAVE A FRIENDSHIP w/ this person. I understand to be more prayerful, which I have recently been intentional, but; this whole sexual rejection has been hard for me to accept & emotionally manage. Aside from “praying”; do other women experience my similar struggles or have any words of encouragement? (P.S. My husband is a strong believer.)

  • Tom says:

    Give me a break. Lots of guys have a lack of confidence and the physical inability to perform. One failure is hundreds of nights in hell. Why would a man be interested in something that does nothing but cause humiliation? Many women feel that men are either getting sex at home or they have someone else. Not true. Fact is that men are human. Expecting a man to be a roaring tiger requires involvement from the tigress too. Whoever mentioned the friendship concept is on target. If you are friends things will happen eventually,or, you will be friends. Being in a close relationship is more important than having big night of sex. Love and the relationship is important more than anything. There is a standing joke about “women just want someone to hold them”. Well, men too want someone to hold them. We men can not keep up with the expectations that the media presents. It is not real.

    So, let us look to God and ask him to help us have a meaningful relationship with the person we love. I am fortunate to have someone who does “hold me” and is always there for me. I will never do anything love and that will hurt, humiliate and embarass her. We are soul mates

    Blessings!

  • Seriously says:

    Seriously stop him watch porn?! Let her join him and watch together. Control, is never going to help.

  • Anne says:

    Reason #5 was missed; he could be having an affair or using prostitutes. I know you wouldn’t think a reputable man, even a christian would do that but – with cell phones, texting, email accounts that can be hidden from a spouse, it is easier for a man to have an affair. After catching my husband with a girl who was 25 years younger, and everyhing blew up… I discovered that he had been having relationships with other women for the past 10 yrs. Pornography and stress I believe were significant factors, along with his lack of a relationship with God & myself. Thankfully I maintained a deep relationship with God and although it was devastating, my self esteem and identity was grounded in who I was in Christ. His Grace, forgiveness & healing has enabled me to move ahead, be joyful and live a life still filled with purpose!

Leave a Reply