I am so sorry to hear about what must be awful pain for you. The aches of the heart can run so deep. Have you posted elsewhere on our site? I recall reading a similar story earlier from another woman, but do not recall if that was you. I wonder how you have coped these 45 years? What are things like for you now? I would find it amazing if, after all these 45 years, the only thing you have concluded about your husband is that his “sexual brain matter is screwed up”. Has there not been any growth, learning, uncovering of what is going on underneath? I want to pray for you:

Dear Lord, only You know every detail of Amy’s life, past, present and future, and more wondrously You know her heart and the heart of her husband. Lord, I ask for Your mercy upon them. I thank You for their lives, for the good that You are able to bring out of every situation, and for Your awesome power to redeem, restore, renew and even resurrect from the dead. Lord, I praise You because from the dust and ashes You are able to make beautiful things. I pray for Your hand upon Amy, for Your Spirit to fill her heart, cleanse her wounds, and bind them up. I thank You Father for answering all these prayers, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Amy, maybe you’d consider connecting with one of our online mentors? They would be glad to talk with you and encourage you. The request form is online: http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/

Please write again anytime. Blessings,

Kate

Instead, let me encourage you to look at this as an opportunity for you both to get to know each other on a deep level. There is something intrinsic in you to be desired by your husband. He needs to know about that so that he can love you for the way that God made you. You need to be able to understand that better so that you are not controlled by your passions but can respond to life in a more thoughtful, intentional way. Equally there is some aspect of your husband that both you and he need to better understand to be a stronger couple and healthier individuals.

So together walk this pathway to each other’s souls in an attitude of love and mutual respect, not looking to change one another but rather to understand who and why you are who you are. And what you will find is that as you uncover together the intricacies of your lives your level of intimacy will equally deepen.

Guard against accusations and demands. Instead let your conversation be motivated by a desire to explore and discover. Yes there will be times that you will be hurt or will say something that hurts him but deal with those quickly. Those can also become new trails to other parts of the soul. Don’t hold grudges or try to hurt back. Accept that you are both looking for the same goal but have different ways of getting there. It is those differences that make the journey so much more rewarding.

You will notice that I haven’t said, “This is why he doesn’t want you” or “This is what you should do to make him want you.” Those things are secondary and obviously I don’t know either of you well enough at all to be able to make any useful suggestions like that. I am confident that as you go through this process of mutual discovery you will be much better equipped than anyone else to figure out how to answer those questions. So talk to him about this process. Agree together that you are going to discover these parts of who you as individuals and as a couple are. Set down some ground rules that will help both of you avoid making this a fight. Expect the best of each other and enjoy the journey together. It is that journey of discovery that makes life together so rewarding.

I think you’re only looking at the extreme end of things. If a man is watching porn for four hours he has a PROBLEM!

If he’s watching porn because he has emotional problems then it’s the emotional problems that are causing the issue, is it not? It’s a terrible idea to try to heal through something like watching porn, so yes, in that case watching porn is making everything worse. However, in this case stopping porn consumption won’t fix the problem- the problem is still there. It’ll just stop it from getting worse.

It’s a far cry to jump from that, especially when it’s not an issue for the vast majority of men, and say “Is your husband not interested in you? Maybe he’s (GASP) watching PORN!” I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to stand by my insistence that those kinds of remarks be held up with some solid data. People have claimed porn does any number of things. You need to actually study the issue and be scientific about it if you wish to determine the reality of the situation.

Please note that if the video phrased it in a different way- like leading up to the issue of porn, especially when combined with other problems- I would have no issue at all. It the idea that porn itself is bad 100% of the time that just seems archaic and wrong. There’s nothing magical about seeing a naked woman.

My dear friend you are very sadly mistaken your sadly mistaken if you don’t believe that watching porn does not dull the senses where he looses interest in in having contact with his wife. There are many reasons that men watch porn and get addicted to porn as often it is the results of insecurities that a man has. The more porn a man watches the less interested he is interested in physical contact with his wife.

Many woman are devastated when they discover that their husband are watching porn because they broke the trust. Porn robs the wife of what belongs to her and in your mind you may believe that he is having more sex however when he is looking at the image on a screen which is more appealing than the true form of a real woman. It has nothing to do that he is incapable to perform but often a hurt that he is trying to heal through Porn. Many wives whose husbands are addicted to porn would definitely disagree with your assessment because the man sure is not ready and willing to make love to his wife after watching 4 hours of porn when he returns to bed! God Bless