She Doesn’t Want Sex Video provided by: TruthMedia Films
What do you do when your partner wants sex more often than you do? In 75% of marriages the husband has a higher sex drive. If a woman feels that people are putting demands on her all day she may find that she just doesn’t have any energy left when she falls into bed at night. A sexless relationship is not going to flourish, but a “grin and bear it” attitude won’t work either. Relationship expert Sheila Wray Gregoire has tips for both men and women to help couples develop a better sex life.
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Do you speak his love language?
Great sex starts with great communication
I believe sex is a give and take game that is played by the two who are married and in love according to the word of God. What I also believe is that sex is in the mind, when one desires to have it, his/her mind is set to it and wants just that. On the other hand, one who is not thinking about it, at that point in time, does not want it. As Doris correctly puts it, “communicate, communicate, communicate”.
As it is, a man is bound to feel like having sex anytime, and will be ready to have it. The woman needs time, she needs to be in the mood for it due to what goes on around her. This does not mean that she can not adjust. She can, only that she needs to experience love and not just sex. When blended with love, the woman enjoys and will fully participate in the fellowship but when it is ‘forced’ love/sex, often she does not enjoy it and may eventually dislike it altogether. This is because she does not get the satisfaction that she so desires. It is not that she does not want sex, it is that the approach to sex is what may drive her away.
what is she saying is not true that sex is a need for man and affection is a need for women …. !!!!
I am sorry you couldn’t hear the video Pauline. You may want to try looking at the audio settings on your computer. I just tried it and I could hear what was beeing said. If you have more troubles let me know and we can try and figure out a way for you to hear the video.
There was no sound…..
I had the opposite problem, my husband wasn’t as interested in sex…but we both read Sex Starved Wife (and Sex Starved Marriage) by Michele Weiner Davis and it was extremely helpful.
LT, I think you have correctly identified the root of the issue you’re facing when you said, “He says he loves me but I truly don’t know if I believe it.” Until you’re able to believe it it won’t really matter what he does. It sounds like the first thing you need to sort out is why you don’t believe it. Has he done something that has broken your trust? Is he behaving in a way that makes you doubt? Did he say something? Did he stop doing something? Do you just not feel his love the way you used to? Is it something in the way he treats you or his attitude that makes you feel that he does not love you? It may that you are not sleeping with him because you feel distant and he is being distant because he feels far from you because there is no sex. In a situation like that one behaviour feeds the other. The cycle continues until someone changes their behaviour.
I know it’s a very old idea, but have you taken a look at your love languages? It could be that your husband is trying to tell you that he loves you but he’s doing it in a way that you can’t hear, or don’t hear as well. For example if he expressing his love by doing things for you and you would rather he just spent time with you then you’re not going to hear his love well. If his main love language is touch and you are not touching him very much he may hear that you don’t love him nearly as much as you do. If you haven’t read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman I strongly urge you to get a copy today. If you have a copy, dust it off and read it again.
I think it is incredibly honourable that you shy away from the idea of separation. All too often we see couples that decide that it’s too hard and walk away. It IS hard, it’s work, brutal work sometimes, but the rewards of a good, healthy marriage are so very worth it. Have you ever seen that TV show The Biggest Loser? When those contestants are in the gym they work out until they can barely stand, they have sweat pouring down their faces. Sometimes they’ll say they cannot take one more step and the trainer will say “yes you can, five more sit ups right now and then you’re done”. Sometimes when you’re in the trenches in your marriage, you have to work on it as hard as those Biggest Losers work in the gym. It’s a fight to get back to a healthy place, but when you’re there – there’s nothing in the world that feels as great as that. As any Biggest Loser winner if the work was worth it and they’ll tell you that it was. Ask anyone who saw God heal their marriage and they will agree that the work was worth it.
Have you talked to your pastor or gone to see a counsellor? The idea of counselling can be scary sometimes because it sounds like admitting that something is wrong. But I don’t see it that way at all. Going to get some counselling is a way of saying, “This marriage is precious and important and I am willing to do whatever it takes to protect it and keep it healthy.” Sometimes professional help is the very best thing. You go to the dentist to care for your teeth, for both prevention and maintenance and it’s similar with marital counselling. Counselling is not the last step before divorce. Going to counselling is a step of hope, a willingness to believe that this can get better. It can get better.
Children are an incredible gift and they deserve our attention and love, but they cannot be the glue that holds your family together. First, that’s not fair to them. And second, children grow up and leave the home which is good and right. If the children are the focus of the marriage what happens when they leave? Children are at home for a short short time. Embrace that time, revel in it, but be careful not to let your parenting be a substitute for your marriage. You’re going to be married a lot longer than you’re going to be raising kids at home. Do the work now so that your kids will always have a great place to come home to. A healthy, happy marriage is the very best gift you could ever give your kids. It is not too late for you and your husband. The time is ripe.
Susan I think I can relate very well with how you are feeling. I am in a struggling marriage and have been for quite a while. I struggle with the idea of separation / divorce because I am not a quitter. I believe that God brought us together for a reason and it is worth every last drop of energy and effort I have to work on our relationship. I too live for my children’s unconditional love. I put them front and center as they go through their young teenage years.
I have so much love for my husband and I don’t know how to show him that all I need and ask for is love back. He says he loves me but I truly don’t know if I believe it. Actions speak so much more louder than words in our situation. We have done enough talking and fighting that there is not much left to say. I need love. I need to feel loved. Our sexual relationship has gone to none. I fear that he is not being satisfied but yet I refuse to engage in intimacy if I don’t feel the connection. I feel that sex is a bond between husband and wife that no other can share. It is the ultimate giving of yourself to another. It is a way to show your deepest feelings. If those feelings are not there, it is not the true intention of God will. I long for us to connect, understand and reach peace in our marriage. I struggle big time with my self esteem and body image. I know this has a huge impact on our sex life as well. I am trying to get over this because I believe we are all beautiful inside and out. God made us all individuals, in different shapes and sizes for a reason. I have to find a way to embrace this while I work to make myself the best I can be!
Doris,
Thanks you for your words of encouragement. Just to have someone acknowledge my efforts is encouragement in its self. Your words are also confirmation of what I am living daily with my children our oldest child is now in college and wants nothing to do with his father and I can see the same trend in our youngest. The middle child is the peace maker; however, I do believe he will voice his opinion of the situation once he leaves the nest. Our oldest calls and texts me his appreciation and thankfulness at least once a week. He tries really hard in school to show me his appreciation as well. God has blessed me with three beautiful children and I intend to care for God’s blessing to me the best of my ability while giving HIM the glory. No man will stand between God and my children. God is a God of mercy and grace and one day I will have the happiness and peace I desire here on earth.
Thanks again, Susan
Susan you are an encouragement to many women in how you are putting the lives of your children before your own happiness or fulfillment. How neat that your children are showing you that unconditional love that keep you going, day after day. They will appreciate that more than you know in the years to come and will look up to you for caring for them.
It is sad that although you have sought counseling your husband was not willing to be honest about what is really going on. If you personally would like to have an online mentor who will walk alongside of you, we have volunteers who would love to do that. Just fill out the form on this page and someone will email you. http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
Bianca and Ray,
I understand your pain and hurt I have endured the responsibility of carrying my family for the last 17 years. In short, because my husband chooses not to do better because he knows I will pick up the slack for the sake of our three children. There are days I am so tried and overwhelmed; I think what is the point? In the meantime the unconditional love of my children presses me on. He always complains about me not having adequate amounts of sex with him however, I am confused as to why he does not see the pressures that I endure daily to keep things afloat. To me intimacy and sex is something special that married couples share to express unconditional love, hope and affection. However, this three elements should always happen outside the bedroom and intensify in the bedroom.
We have seeked counseling and he will not fully communicated or be honest with our spiritual leader. Unlike Ray I do not hate my husband however, divorce has crossed my mind more than I would like, I have spoken with my husband about my concerns on several occasions, he just refuses to talk or starts to yell. At this point in my life I only ask God to grant me peace of mind and endurance to continue to care for my children. As a result of what I have endured mentally in this relationship if we were to divorce I know I could not subject myself to other relationship.
Ray I understand your anger of being rejected however I think many men would die to be in your situation! One of the suggestions that I would like to offer is to first discover why she rejected you for these many years and I am not sure if you have a relationship with Christ as he can heal all pasts hurts. Christ created intimacy to bond us in marriage. Divorce is never a good solution as Matthew 19. 8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God originally intended.
Ray I would encourage you to seek a Christian counselor to discover how you can overcome your hatred as it will be very difficult to love someone again. I know that marriage is never easy but from personal experience divorce is very difficult and makes a person feel even worse. There are online mentors that would love to email you to encourage you as often when you look at the situation from a different point of view things become much clearer as now you are feeling rejected and hurt. Christ can and will heal your hurts as he has promised to in Isaiah 58: 11 The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength, you will be a well- watered garden, like an overflowing spring. Trust Christ he will heal your hurts as even if you leave the pain will not go away. God Bless
good comments, i sometimess want it and sometimes i don’t i still don’t know the healthy part of sex for a marriage, we’ve been married for over 20 years, my husband works so he is often tired, any info on this, thank you
what happans when your wife says no %95 of the time for 5 years? Now i don’t want sex anymore and she wants it all the time. I hate my wife she pushed away for years and yelled all kinds of stuff at me cuss words you name it. What id perverted about a husband wanting to have sex with his wife? nothing if i was a man then yeah that gross, i wish i never met her. I’m moving at the end of the month by the way.
Wow!!!!!There’s a lot going on in this blog..I am a 58 year old female and remarried at about 20 Years. I like sex, but my husband has become so stressed
out from his job he cannot perform..I get a little mad at that sometimes, but I still love him and respect him and I’m glad about this. If this happened to me
20 or 30 years ago I probably would have been even more upset..He is an affectionate man..and I love affection and foreplay and always have. The intercourse parts I feel can be replaced with other things…I cast that care upon the Lord, because he careth for me, think about it and let it pass. Love is
more important to me right now than sex..but for you youngins…try to work through it the best you can…because it’s got to be hard. It’s a desire that doesn’t go away that easily wanting it and not wanting it.
Dear Lord,
Please minister to each of us. The stress and struggles of this life sometimes seem to overwhelm us. Forgive us for so often losing sight of what’s truly important. Since You are love and Your desire is to be in intimate relationship with each of us, it is no wonder that we are relational creatures. Thank You for each of the relationships You have blessed us with, and help us to care for all these people You have put in our lives. At times it is so difficult to appreciate our spouses, especially when we do not feel appreciated, but by Your strength please help us to do it first, to be the first one to reach out, to be the first one to open our arms for embrace. This is Your character – You are always the one reaching out to us and caring for us unconditionally, so please make us and shape us to be more like Jesus. We so want to love and be loved, for this is Your perfect design, but the only way we can is if we receive Your love and then let Your love overflow from our hearts, to bless all those around us. Please help us to learn from You and to turn to You for guidance in every area of concern. We commit our hearts, our marriages and even our bodies to You, since You are our Creator and You can show us how to operate according to Your perfect design!
In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
Very stressful situation. I agree with Mrs P.
Amen, Mrs. P. Amen. I read the comments about romance, and working up to it, and all that. The last thing I want to do is be romantic with anyone, after my 50-hour work week is done, including my 4-hour a day commute, and after worrying about how am I going to pay the bills and not be broke until next pay day, and after worrying about my sons weight problem, and my daughter having a stranger driving her around all week, because I have to work because my non-romantic, but sex crazed, husband can’t afford to sustain us all. And under all those daily worries, I’m constantly trying to control my type 1 diabetes, which is nearly impossible because of the constant stress i’m under on a daily basis. But my husband wants passionate romantic sex? Yeah. Okay.
Just to add my little bit, why doesn’t someone in this country step forward and admit that just like men don’t like to be affectionate or shop, or talk to us, we don’t like sex as much. That’s no sin that you don’t like something. But anyway, just like women are told to submit to men, the men should be told to love their wives as their own bodies. So maybe then men will realize why women are not as crazy about sex as they are. But maybe, if he did his fair share of running after the kids, laundry, cooking, cleaning, and show her love and affection, we would not have this problem. We are so quick to fuss at women and tell them what we are supposed to do, but don’t even think about telling men what to do. BE FAIR America!!! Men are not perfect, they are somewhat selfish, all they want to do is have sex, make his own money and watch sports. Women are so very different from men. Sex is not on top of our list, but if the man did the right thing, then maybe they would see more sex coming their way.
Vanessa, thanks so much for taking the time to comment and encourage other women here on this thread that things can change! That is awesome and I am so thrilled for you.
Brooke, I can understand your frustration. Have you talked about planning for sex? I know it sounds like a really strange idea but I have heard that it can be a really neat time. Plan an evening once/week that is about romance and communication. Talk to your husband and explain your needs to him. Perhaps he doesn’t realize how frustrating it can be for you. And definitely if you are going to try to have a family, you will need to be having sex more often so why not make it fun? The place to start is communicate, communicate, communicate….and don’t give up! Things can change as Vanessa shared with us.
I have been married for 5 yrs. After we had our second child my husband and i started having arguments about sex because i was never in the mood. We used to have sex like 3 times a month if not less. I have been praying for changes in our marriage one of them being sex. I always felt too tired to have sex and had low self-esteem after we had our second child. Just recently had our third child and things have changed a lot. We communicate better and we are a lot closer. My sex drive has gone off the roof.My husband is shocked that i actually want to have sex everyday. We are both happy. I feel a lot better about myself, more confident and attractive. Now that we have more sex I actually feel like i have more energy too which is weird but amazing at the same time. I’m very thankful that God has heard my prayers. For any one with similar problems please keep praying because God does listen we just have to open up to him.
hey doris ,
I am the complete opposite of this video. I have more sex drive then my husband does. We are newly weds that have sex 1 a mth if that. I have talked to my husband about it before and he says that he just doesnt desire it. He has said that its something that he doesnt need. Like your video says put your whole heart and body into it that is what I do and I am just getting no where with it. It can be very frusterating at times. My husband has mentioned that he would like to start trying to have a child and I as well would love a family but it is hard to concieve when you are having sex as little as we are. Any helpful suggestions?
MJ,the only thing that I can say is to communicate, communicate, communicate. It sounds from what have said that you have already been talking and helping one another to understand what your needs are, so don’t give up. For couples to grow in any area, but especially in the area of fulfilling one another’s sexual needs open and ongoing honest communication is so important. As we age our needs and desires change so you can never stop talking.
This was a great video, explains the difference between couples when it comes to sex, in great light from both points of view. My husband and I have been talking and we’ve both luckily come to understand this part on our own. I understand his need and he takes his time to help me along.
How do I get him to understand my need, for the affection?
What do I do about him expecting me to do other sexual favors? There’s no special gratitude for doing ‘em if I do. It’s like I’m obligated to, in his eyes. I don’t like doing it, first of all, but I’ll do it if I knew he appreciated it and if he understood it was something that will happen on my terms, when I want to. Second of all, it actually physically hurts me, I have bad discs in my neck. Sometimes I feel like he does, after we talk, but then some times passes and he seems to forget that understanding.
So what role do you see that you play in making that happen and what role does your husband play? How does God help you both in fulfilling those roles?
This is a very crucial topic,thank u so much for bringing it up.I have bn married for roughly 3 yrs now and l have just discovered that the more he wants it,is the more l push him away but ever since l read that verse in Corinthians that says wives must submit their bodies to their husbands as Christ to the church.My interest has changed.The verse also applies to man,they are commanded to love their wives.It is funny how sometimes l ask God to awaken my sex drive coz he said we must ask for anything.