MU: The Sex Starved Marriage Video provided by: Family Life Canada
“I’ve got a headache.” Whether you are a man or a woman, living in a sex-starved marriage can be devastating. After awhile the excuses begin to ring hollow. Have you experienced this unfortunately common problem as a husband or wife? What have you tried to alleviate it, and have you had success so far?
Related Articles:
Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex!
Dynamic Sex: Unlocking the Secret to Love
My husband must be in the two percent.
Weve been married 45 years and we only had sex once that was our wedding night. It only lasted maybe 10 minutes. after we we’re done he slept out on the balcony of our hotel. I was left crying almost all night. Also that was the last time we were in bed together. He wouldn’t go on our honeymoon, I had to cancel that. He just wanted to go home so he could get some sleep because he was going to work and he moved to the midnight shift. Also he moved himself down to the basement and set up house keeping. We hadn’t been married 72 hours and I was alone. I tryed to go back home but my parents wouldn’t let me, they said you married him and now its your problem. I really couldn’t leave him because I had no where to go, so I stayed. Now here I’m in my mid 60s and still confused, depressed, upset, and hoping GOD will take me away from all this .
Hi Brenda,
I am sorry you are having so much difficulty in your marriage relationship. It is so important for you to know that the lack of sexual intimacy between you and your husband is not your fault alone. Even if there is a lack of elasticity in your vaginal wall muscles, you are still the same, beautiful woman your husband married and you are precious in God’s sight. Your value is not decided by your ability to perform sexually, Brenda. And no couple can have a successful sexual relationship without great communication and intimacy in the rest of their relationship. Blaming one partner or the other just does not make sense when both are needed to make the relationship complete.
Brenda, are you able to comfortably sit and discuss your feelings with your husband? If not, would your husband be willing to attend counselling with you to discuss ways in which you may begin to communicate your sexual needs to one another? This is definitely not an issue you can deal with on your own. If your husband does have erectile dysfunction, then that is an issue that you need to look at together. If he does not, then it would be good to ask him why he indicated that he did. Honesty is so important to your relationship.
Brenda, I have included a link to an article that I pray will be helpful for you and your husband. It is called, “Dynamic Sex: Unlocking the Secret to Love”
http://powertochange.com/discover/sex-love/dynamicsex/
If you would like to talk to an online mentor privately, please fill out the short form at the following link and someone will respond to you confidentially and promptly:
http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
God bless you, Brenda.
Wow, I thought I was the only one who had this problem. My husband and I have not been intimate in over 2 years and prior to that it had been about once per year for the previous 4 years. We no longer sleep in the same bedroom and have not for about 6 years but that’s more due to issues with both of us snoring. My husband has had issues of erectile dysfunction, but now he claims that it is because my [word redacted by Editor] area is too loose and there is no sensation for him. I have contacted my doctor and am on a waiting list to get in to see a gyno as there does indeed seem to be a bit of a problem, but that could take weeks,even months before anything is done. In the mean time I feel…. well, I don’t even really know how to describe how I feel. I’m not ready yet to relinquish that part of my life to never-never land. My husband is 54 and I am 50, we have a 14 year old son and a 13 year old daughter. I do realize that it’s been difficult to keep us as a couple in the forefront while raising kids, working and life in general, but I just don’t know what to do. Help!
Dear sad sad, Relationships always change when you have a child. As you know, a child is a lot of responsibility. Add that to your husband working more and it sounds like there is a lot of stress in your relationship. There are several reasons that your husband might not feel like having sex right now. It does not necessary mean that he is having an affair. Sometimes just the opposite is true and a person who is having an affair will want more contact at home because they feel guilty and they are trying to cover it up. It could be that your husband is exhausted, it could be that he is too worried to be able to focus on sex.
Would it be possible for the two of you to have a night alone together without the baby? Is there a family member who could babysit? If you can’t get a whole night together could you have dinner alone? If you can spend some time together and talk, really talk, without accusing him of having an affair, then you might be able to find some of the love that brought you together in the first place. You said that you feel alone and sad, this may contribute to the terrible feeling that you have. Don’t let this feeling put distance between you and your husband. If he denies having an affair and there is no proof of an affair, then believe him. Take him at his word. Behave as if you know for certain that he is faithful and see if that changes things between you.
I am sure that your husband has noticed how sad you are. If he wants to help you but doesn’t have the resources to do so right now then they may be very hard on him as well. Remember that when you got married you agreed that it would be the two of you facing the world together against whatever happened. Are you standing beside your husband right now or are you standing across from him? Do you feel like you are on the same team or do you see yourselves on opposite sides? Be on his team, stand together, united. The early years of parenthood are challenging, but incredibly rewarding. Find other couples who have been parents longer than you have and ask them what they did to keep their marriage strong. You are not alone in this. Remind your husband that he is not alone in this either. If you would like to talk to someone privately, our mentors are available.
I have done nothing but crying for the last two months, my husband of ten years has always been very active, we have a 2 year old and things have changed so much, he is working a lot more and has more responsibilities, but our relationship has declined so much in the last year, I don’t know what to do. I lay in bed only in underwear, he does not notice, to top it off I feel as he is having an affair. He always denies it but I have a terrible feeling. I feel alone and sad.
OD, my heart goes out to you. It sounds like your husband needs to get some professional counseling so that he can deal with those difficult things from his childhood that are now affecting your marriage. Only then can the two of you work on your marriage. You have said that you don’t want to give up on your marriage or your husband, so don’t. Instead, help him to walk through this difficult stretch in your relationship and prayerfully your marriage will come out much stronger in the end. Just because there are problems early on in a marriage does not rule out having a strong relationship down the line so hang in there, and communicate to him that you are committed to him and your relationship but you also know he needs help. Walk the journey with him.
I have been married just 2 years, going on three now. My husband has some deep mental problems from a very awful childhood that have transferred into our marriage, and i really didnt help things much but really aggravated the issue in the first years. We couldnt have sex straight away from the start, rather he couldnt. He told me that everything was fine when we got married, however, even on our honeymoon he struggled to finish, we go through months at a time where he wont touch me and literally like a woman thinks of any excuse not to. I am scared that its not even that far along into the marriage and we are having some major issues thats its going to get even worse, which ic ant stand. We are seeing help and hes been to the doctor and this TO levels apparently are fine, but its all mental and emotional, however, i dont think i can stay in a marriage that is already going through such hardship within the first two years!! I am dying. I am just wondering if anyone has any thoughts or comments, i have no idea what to do, and why its like this, or how to fix it. I cannot give my whole life not having a normal relationship, thats a big ask, and one thats not worth doing really. But i dont want to give up on my marriage or my husband, because i adore him and just want us to get through this.
That is a good suggestion BA. It is a good idea to try all kinds of strategies to find health for both spouses.
Still Waiting and Mrs McB, a healthy marriage needs to have open communication lines to talk through issues like this. I know it can be terribly uncomfortable to discuss your sex life with your spouse but in order to find a compromise that works for you both, it is necessary to push past the uncomfortableness and work things through. If the conversation does not go anywhere it can be helpful to talk with a professional counsellor who can help mediate the discussion.
In order to have such a discussion you need to keep two things in the forefront of your mind: 1) Your spouse wants the best for your relationship as well. Very rarely is a husband or wife intentionally destroying their marriage. Many times the hurts and misunderstandings over the years have developed a wall between spouses and there is a mistrust of the other’s intentions, but that doesn’t mean that both spouses want the marriage to succeed. If this is not the case, then you have an issue much more serious than lack of sexual intimacy; 2) You need to put aside your own defenses and preconceptions and truly listen and hear what your spouse will say in the discussion. You might not like what they have to say. You might find that they put the blame on you. You need to hear what they are saying and seek to discover what you have done to give them that perception. It is true that when your spouse feels attacked they will defend themselves by returning fire. Don’t escalate the conflict but seek to find out where the truth is and come together as a team to deal with the truth together, not use the truth to cut each other down.
Sometimes the walls between spouses are too tall and the defenses don’t allow mutual understanding. Don’t give up! Reaffirm the desire to create a healthy love within your marriage and get a professional counsellor to help you towards that.
I would be remiss if I didn’t also say how much of a difference it can make in your marriage when Jesus is invited in to help bond your hearts together. The Bible promises that, “The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18) If that describes you than I want you to know that God is near and He will bring healing to life if you ask Him. To find out more read about how you can know God at http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/discoverpurpose.
There is hope for all of you that are going through tough times with your spouses regarding the issue of love making. We all must learn that we go through seasons of life and as the tide shifts things become new and afresh. My husband and I are empty nesters now and we have learned to go with our own flow of love making now. We enjoy crawling back in bed in the early morning hours to embrace one another with affection…by the time night comes we are to tired for love making so maybe all of you who are struggling with this issue might find that both you and your partner are in differant stages of life and you need to learn to do things differantly. Society leads us to beleive that “sex’ often occurs only at night but maybe we need to have a differant perspective of such. Ask your spouses when are they most aroused and energetic…good luck to you all!
I can feel the pain from all. It has been almost 16 years since my husband & I have had sex. We went several years w/nothing at all and then he came home one night w/the little blue pill. Unfortunately, I was not having a good day – feeling sorry for myself, wondering why life was like this, what is wrong w/me, why doesn’t he want to be w/me etc. So when he came in the room and showed me – bad time, was in tears – I just turned my head. Not to cool I know. He had been to the dr. got some text done, put him on the gel, gave him samples that expired in 2009 – Yes he still has them- which is still sitting the dresser. I have tried to have this conversation w/him many times and the answer I get “I have no confidence” and “I don’t just want to get the stuff and jump you”. I told him about a year ago, this was going to be the last time I bring it up. We have been married for 22 years. I don’t want to spend the next 22 as a room-mate! We have one in college and one that will be a senior in hs this year. I miss him so much, I miss his touch, caring and all that goes w/it. I just find it easier to put a wall between us. I find myself not being nice sometime by comments, etc. I guess this is the only way I know how to cope. I don’t want to live like this…. I want to be w/my husband but I just feel like I am so alone. Sometime I wonder if he still loves me or what. I just don’t know anymore…….
I can’t believe I am writing this. Unfortunately, I am a 47 year old woman in this same situation. My husband is 48. It is frustrating. I am angry, hurt, and devastated. I have talked to him about this on several ocassions, and he tells me to get a vibrator, or find a hobby, so I won’t be lonely for him while he is away for a month at a time. I understand that he has to be away for 1 month at a time, but when he is home (for 1 week, out of 5) he does not initiate sex, or touch, or kiss me, He says he is under a lot of pressure (work, finances), which I know is true. He says he is not sure if his low sex drive is due to his diabetes medications, or what. In his defense – he works 90 hours a week, is diabetic, and is stressed out over financial problems. I know those are all factors that can affect sex drive. I see why spouses cheat when then sexual needs aren’t met in a relationship. I am so desperately craving my husbands touch. I so desperately want him to desire me again. I love my husband, but this is so painful that sometimes I feel like I cant breathe. I just feel sick to my stomach over this whole situation. Up until a year or two ago, our sexual relationship was “okay”. But he works out of the state for 4 weeks at a time, so when he comes home for 1 week, I just want to “jump his bones”. So we have not have sex for the last 3 months. That is the longest time we have gone without sex in the entire 13 years of our marriage. I don’t know how much longer I can hang on. We have a 9 year old daughter, and he hugs, and kisses her, and shows her affection. Why can’t he show me some love and affection? I am trying to be patient, and I pray this will pass, but I just don’t see myself hanging on for years, and years in a sexless marriage. What is the point of being married with no sexual intimacy. I am praying for my marriage. I have considered seeing a therapist, but I am not feeling too optimistic. I will attempt to convince him to go to a doctor.
Oh Letty, That sounds like a painful marriage. I know the struggle to communicate about this area can negatively impact communication in all areas of your marriage. It can be very isolating and destructive to your love for one another. Jesus can help break down those barriers. That kind of love is not what He has intended for the two of you. I have seen Him transform very broken marriages and create a relationship where both partners thrive.
I would recommend that you talk with one of our online mentors. They can help you to look to Jesus for help and healing in your marriage and they will walk with you being a safe place to share the deep hurt that you are carrying. You can find a Mentor Request Form here.
Lord God, I pray for Letty and her husband. I can sense a bit of the hopelessness that they feel just from Letty short note. I know that You can bring healing and restoration to this marriage. I pray that You would break down both Letty and her husband’s walls that have kept them at odds with each other and draw them together into the unity that You have planned for them. In Jesus’ name, amen.
my husband is 52 and im 51 the last time we had sex was 11 years ago…my husband has no desire and he could careless if he ever had sex again. he has seen our family dr. and an endocrinologist who put him on testosterone gell and it did nothing for his sex drive! I have tried everything over the counter with him also, but nothing works….we have 2 grown daughters and grandchildren, if it were for our family I would have left him along time ago…
Dear Kerilyn,
I hear your pain in words. I really don’t know what you are going through and like you said, no one knows until they walk the road you walk. I would like to offer our free and confidential mentoring program, you will be matched with a mentor that has walked your journey and knows what you are feeling, this mentor will be a friend and walk with you through this. If you would like a mentor, just click the link and you will be matched http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/.
Sincerely,
Leah
Peripety,
I feel your pain. We are on year 3 of no intimacy. Married 19 years. Our last record was 8 months. I think for us sex is over, and will never happen again. I will stay married and trust in God and see what he wants to change in me by going through this life long trial, but NO ONE can understand unless they live it. My husband would say we have a great marriage and sees nothing wrong with it. It is a very heavy burden to carry and I don’t know if you will see this, but I’m praying for you.
My husband will not discuss it in any way that is looking to solve the problem. He won’t sleep in the same room as me as he prefers to watch tv and fall asleep on the floor. It’s been this way since after we got married, but it has gotten worse. He will not initiate and will often refuse me. After all these years and his refusal to even discuss it, I feel unfeminine and unattractive. I tell him this but he is not only asexual, but aemotional as well. For my marriage, there will not be a “cure”. I have been ignored emotionally, but he seems to have no need for any emotional connections in his life — it is all work and sports and tv. I wish I married someone else, as I’m lonely.
I agree, Kat, that this video had many good suggestions. I particularly appreciated the empathy and input of the special guest, Michele Weiner Davis, and the input of the hosts at the end of the program on the three “Ours” that go into creating a sexually satisfied marriage: (1) Our Pleasure, meaning that both partners are involved in talking about what is satisfying to one another in the relationship sexually and as a whole; (2) Our Dialogue, in which the couple share together verbally how they are doing sexually by saying something sucy as, “Let’s talk about how we are doing sexually.”; and, (3) Sex Is Our Priority, which involves being willing to give our all to fulfill our mate’s needs in our marriage. For me, these were very positive suggestions, and I understand why such a focus would be much more helpful and hopeful than communicating that large differences in sexual desire spells doom for a marriage.
Peripety, I am sorry, also, that you felt hopeless after visiting our site. I pray that you are able to find help and hope through the links that cfast posted, as well as through the empathy and compassion expressed by Michele Weiner Davis. I can understand how some of the comments could be considered insensitive toward couples who are suffering, especially in stating that they are doomed, and I definitely do not believe they took into consideration the most important Healer of all problems: our Lord Jesus! The Bible tells us that absoultely nothing is impossible with God, so I cannot disagree more with the hosts that a marriage without sex is doomed, for with God, all things are possible, [Matthew 19:26], and we can do all things through Christ who is our strength. [Philippians 4:13]
Linda, I am wondering if you have discussed with your husband how he feels about having another child? Are you both in agreement about proceeding with a second baby? It is so very important to communicate with one another our feelings and to listen to each other so that we know we are both understanding what the other is feeling. I know that I have had to learn not to assume that my husband knows how I am feeling, or that because I want or like something, that he likes the same thing. If this video was not helpful to you, Linda, perhaps the links that cfast posted in her response will be. I encourage you to check these out:
http://www.familylifecanada.org and http://powertochange.com/experience/sex-love/
God bless each of you who responded to this video.
Thank you for sharing this video. These are practical suggestions that I felt were discussed with plenty of empathy (as well as humour). A mutually satisfying sex life is so important to a healthy marriage – and I believe that this will help many couples on the road to strengthening their marriage.
Peripety,
We are sorry that you view our website in such a way. The Marriage Uncensored show was a broadcast that ended a few years ago and we continue to feature it, as it has helped the lives of many. In no way did we intend to cloud your search for encouragement or cause you to feel “doomed”. We at Power to Change offer many other resources, not just Marriage Uncensored, for help with the area of sex and marriage. Please see http://powertochange.com/experience/sex-love/ or http://www.familylifecanada.org for more resources. We pray for healing in your relationship and for intimacy and may you find great encouragement as you walk this road.
Thank you Michelle for your understanding of this heavy burden. The oouple you are being interviewed by.. lack empathy and compassion in this subject. Fortunatley for them they have been spared from this burden in their marriage, as you can see how they make light of it.. and basically tell their viewers that their mariage is destined for divorce. Thank you Dave and Christie.. I came to this website looking for encouragement.. that God would see me through to the end.. that His plans were for good purpose.. even in the midst of this burden I carry.. That God’s strength will get me to the end.. even if my husband never has sex with me again ( we are going on our second year of no intimacy.. having been married for 20) Here on the Power to Change website I found out that we are doomed.
I was divorced and have a kid.before two year i got married with a divorced person.He has no child.So he accept my daughter,who is six years old.we are living together.and he loves my baby as his own kid.But I want to be mother again.I have marked he cannot afford what was accept my doctor for catch my ovulation.Day by day he became very busy with his business. I noticed he likes more his friends company than family’s.only for sleep he come home at late night.he does want spend any day in a week with us.and as a result it effects on our sexual life.He cannot sex with me regular when the doctor said.even when i want to close to him for a sex he always refuse me.once or twice in a month he wants to sex.I tried to say about his problem. he told me he has a lost his desire for sex.then I went to another Doctor for infertility. She gave us many test.then She told that from my husband’s semen count,there was movement is slow of semen and my tubes have some block.But that is not a major problem.We have need more and more practice of sex.But I can’t understand how can I grow his desire for sex regularly?
Any suggestions for having no libido husband ?