Comments on: MU: The Sex Starved Marriage

By: Jamie

Thu, 07 Feb 2013 23:30:51 +0000

Hi Mara, it sounds like you guys have some problems in seeing yourselves as part of a team. Its every man and woman for him/herself! That is a dangerous pattern for a marriage. Healthy marriages have spouses who seek to serve the needs of the other over their own needs–sexual and otherwise. The pattern that the two of you have established is difficult to reverse and takes some real courage on both of your parts to get to. The key is being able to talk through things in a way that promotes mutual understanding. A marriage counsellor can be so helpful in helping to develop that kind of positive communication. Obviously your husband recognizes that something is wrong, do you think he would be willing to meet with a counsellor?

By: Mara

Mara — Thu, 07 Feb 2013 04:45:24 +0000

Im so frustrated. My husband and I have had a sex starved marriage for years now. He’s constantly pursuing me for sex and Ive tried to please him but not every time because sometimes I feel bulldozed by him. For the past days Ive tried to initiate sex and he now tells me that he is going to give me taste of my own medicine; so he is withdrawing from me, no physial contact – no sex. He says he’s so tired of trying so hard that maybe this will teach me a lesson. He’s constantly yelling at me saying Im the problem; that he has done all he can and there is no saving this. So when I ignore him – Im to blame and when I initiate sex – Im also to blame. I cant continue to feel put down by him.

By: Claire Colvin

Wed, 12 Dec 2012 22:48:09 +0000

Hi 123, I know that it's tempting to treat your husband the way that you feel you have been treated, but more selfishness is not going to make your marriage better. Have you talked to your husband about your sex life? Does he know that you're not satisfied or does he think things are great because you have not said anything to him? Conflict can be uncomfortable, but it is a necessary part of a healthy marriage. There's an ebook that's a free download on amazon.com that might help. It's called Fight With Me: How We Learned to be Married. The free download is today only, any time after that the book is less than $5 for digital download. It talks about how you have to be willing to bring things up with your spouse, even when it might cause a fight. Otherwise things just get swept under the rug and while it appears peaceful at first, all it really does is allow resentment to grow.

By: 123

123 — Wed, 12 Dec 2012 13:35:39 +0000

My husband loves sex but it feels like he only thinks about how he gets pleasure. He doesn’t even study me to know what turns me on. Sex has become pleasureless because he get pleasure but is not interested in,taking me there with him. I feel like I’m going to turn to other things to find my pleasure . He is so selfish. What about my desires? I’m starting to feel like I need to be selfish too.

By: Jamie

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 23:06:58 +0000

Amy I am heart broken and amazed at the same time. Heartbroken because I can’t imagine the loneliness you have experienced and amazed because you have been able to last 45 years. Our family has been talking a lot lately about a verse in the Bible that says “For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28) After 45 years you must be saying, “How can this be for my good?” and I have no simple answer for that except to say that God has promised it and therefore it must be true. There are plenty of examples in the Bible of people who had to wait a long time to see the good that God was accomplishing. Joseph had to wait many years as a slave and then as a prisoner before God accomplished His purposes in allowing Joseph’s brothers to sell him off to slave traders. Yet his testimony to his brothers all those many years later was “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” (Genesis 50:20) Part of the key to his ability to endure was always to keep God purposes his primary concern rather than his own needs. That goes against human nature but it is exactly what Jesus taught when He said “Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs, and he will give you all you need from day to day; just live for him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern.” (Matthew 6:32,33)

Let me pray for you: Heavenly Father I pray for Amy and her husband. Their marriage has been such a tragic failure and a source of hurt and loneliness. 45 years seems like such a long time to wait for something to change but I know that Your timing is never off. I pray that Amy would be encouraged to make Your purposes her primary concern and that she would find fulfillment in You. I pray that You would convict her husband of his years of selfishness and that he would be empowered by Your Spirit to make these next years so filled with love that Amy would forget all the pain of the first 45. In Jesus’ name, amen.

By: Amy

Amy — Wed, 23 May 2012 00:11:54 +0000

My husband must be in the two percent.
Weve been married 45 years and we only had sex once that was our wedding night. It only lasted maybe 10 minutes. after we we’re done he slept out on the balcony of our hotel. I was left crying almost all night. Also that was the last time we were in bed together. He wouldn’t go on our honeymoon, I had to cancel that. He just wanted to go home so he could get some sleep because he was going to work and he moved to the midnight shift. Also he moved himself down to the basement and set up house keeping. We hadn’t been married 72 hours and I was alone. I tryed to go back home but my parents wouldn’t let me, they said you married him and now its your problem. I really couldn’t leave him because I had no where to go, so I stayed. Now here I’m in my mid 60s and still confused, depressed, upset, and hoping GOD will take me away from all this .

By: Brenda

Tue, 18 Oct 2011 17:15:44 +0000

Hi Brenda,

I am sorry you are having so much difficulty in your marriage relationship. It is so important for you to know that the lack of sexual intimacy between you and your husband is not your fault alone. Even if there is a lack of elasticity in your vaginal wall muscles, you are still the same, beautiful woman your husband married and you are precious in God’s sight. Your value is not decided by your ability to perform sexually, Brenda. And no couple can have a successful sexual relationship without great communication and intimacy in the rest of their relationship. Blaming one partner or the other just does not make sense when both are needed to make the relationship complete.

Brenda, are you able to comfortably sit and discuss your feelings with your husband? If not, would your husband be willing to attend counselling with you to discuss ways in which you may begin to communicate your sexual needs to one another? This is definitely not an issue you can deal with on your own. If your husband does have erectile dysfunction, then that is an issue that you need to look at together. If he does not, then it would be good to ask him why he indicated that he did. Honesty is so important to your relationship.

Brenda, I have included a link to an article that I pray will be helpful for you and your husband. It is called, “Dynamic Sex: Unlocking the Secret to Love”

http://powertochange.com/discover/sex-love/dynamicsex/

If you would like to talk to an online mentor privately, please fill out the short form at the following link and someone will respond to you confidentially and promptly:

http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/

God bless you, Brenda.

By: Brenda

Brenda — Sun, 16 Oct 2011 20:52:13 +0000

Wow, I thought I was the only one who had this problem. My husband and I have not been intimate in over 2 years and prior to that it had been about once per year for the previous 4 years. We no longer sleep in the same bedroom and have not for about 6 years but that’s more due to issues with both of us snoring. My husband has had issues of erectile dysfunction, but now he claims that it is because my [word redacted by Editor] area is too loose and there is no sensation for him. I have contacted my doctor and am on a waiting list to get in to see a gyno as there does indeed seem to be a bit of a problem, but that could take weeks,even months before anything is done. In the mean time I feel…. well, I don’t even really know how to describe how I feel. I’m not ready yet to relinquish that part of my life to never-never land. My husband is 54 and I am 50, we have a 14 year old son and a 13 year old daughter. I do realize that it’s been difficult to keep us as a couple in the forefront while raising kids, working and life in general, but I just don’t know what to do. Help!

By: Claire Colvin

Fri, 30 Sep 2011 18:36:59 +0000

Dear sad sad, Relationships always change when you have a child. As you know, a child is a lot of responsibility. Add that to your husband working more and it sounds like there is a lot of stress in your relationship. There are several reasons that your husband might not feel like having sex right now. It does not necessary mean that he is having an affair. Sometimes just the opposite is true and a person who is having an affair will want more contact at home because they feel guilty and they are trying to cover it up. It could be that your husband is exhausted, it could be that he is too worried to be able to focus on sex. Would it be possible for the two of you to have a night alone together without the baby? Is there a family member who could babysit? If you can't get a whole night together could you have dinner alone? If you can spend some time together and talk, really talk, without accusing him of having an affair, then you might be able to find some of the love that brought you together in the first place. You said that you feel alone and sad, this may contribute to the terrible feeling that you have. Don't let this feeling put distance between you and your husband. If he denies having an affair and there is no proof of an affair, then believe him. Take him at his word. Behave as if you know for certain that he is faithful and see if that changes things between you. I am sure that your husband has noticed how sad you are. If he wants to help you but doesn't have the resources to do so right now then they may be very hard on him as well. Remember that when you got married you agreed that it would be the two of you facing the world together against whatever happened. Are you standing beside your husband right now or are you standing across from him? Do you feel like you are on the same team or do you see yourselves on opposite sides? Be on his team, stand together, united. The early years of parenthood are challenging, but incredibly rewarding. Find other couples who have been parents longer than you have and ask them what they did to keep their marriage strong. You are not alone in this. Remind your husband that he is not alone in this either. If you would like to talk to someone privately, our mentors are available.

By: sad sad

sad sad — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 14:07:34 +0000

I have done nothing but crying for the last two months, my husband of ten years has always been very active, we have a 2 year old and things have changed so much, he is working a lot more and has more responsibilities, but our relationship has declined so much in the last year, I don’t know what to do. I lay in bed only in underwear, he does not notice, to top it off I feel as he is having an affair. He always denies it but I have a terrible feeling. I feel alone and sad.