Sexless Marriage: What To Do? Video provided by: Seriously Funny Entertainment

When one partner in a marriage feels unloved, it can be devastating. When a marriage is sexless because one partner simply does not want sex, it can lead to deep hurt for the other partner. They can feel unattractive, unwanted, and ultimately unloved. “Does they still love me?” they might wonder. Are you in a sexless marriage? Where can people go to look for help for a problem that can be socially taboo?

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67 Responses to “Sexless Marriage: What To Do?”

  • Aldo says:

    Vicky, I sympathize with you. Yours is never an easy situation to resolve apart from a miracle.

    All too often young people (and older ones also) make the mistake of not seeking God’s choice for their partner, and ultimately suffer the consequences.

    God wants to be involved in every aspect of our lives, including choosing a spouse.

    Give yourself completely over to Him and see if He is not “… able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.” (Ephesians 3:20-21)

  • Vicky says:

    I’ve been in a sexless marriage for 15 years. My husband is ten years older then me and I have tried everything. He hides at work.

  • Aldo says:

    Paul, I can’t hardly believe what you have said. I can’t imagine something like that happening for that length of time. All I can suggest to you at this point is that you try to rekindle your courtship of your wife as it was 50 years ago. It worked back then, and, with prayer, may work again.

    Yes, prayer does work, but it is up to you to inquire of your heavenly Father. I believe it was Billy Graham who said that God has multitudes of answers to prayer that He is waiting to be asked. Let’s pray:

    Father God, You know what Paul is going through, and what it is that he and his wife need to get their marriage back to the place where they made vows to each other, and before You. Lord, touch both of their hearts with Your Holy Spirit, and bring about a renewal of those marriage vows. Help them to realize that You love them with an unconditional love, shown in You sending Your Son, Jesus Christ, to suffer and die for their sins, that they may have peace with God and with one another, in Jesus Name I pray. Amen.

  • Paul says:

    Married 50 years and been sexless for about 40 years! It was boring and not worth the effort. Purposely worked odd shifts and hours all the holidays and weekends. Didn’t bother with vacations! Thats my story not much of anything, my wife not positive what she did that was none of my business.

  • Elkay says:

    Steve, I am very, very sorry to hear of your situation as it is so painful for the wife you love to make you feel abandoned. Nothing I can say will bring her faithfully back to you but may I suggest a couple of things. First, anger, accusations and all the things that go with feeling betrayed will not change her behavior.

    Second, one of a woman’s highest needs is for non-sexual affection and so maybe you could throw yourself quietly, slowly and gently into a process of “dating your wife”. Let her see and feel your love in the ways you first knew one another. Over time, prayerfully, she will see that true love and security can only be found with you and she will realize the error of her ways. Please also dismiss any thought of divorce from your mind as that destroys the concept of marriage that God originally designed.

    This may be a long process without any early, obvious progress so you may want to hit the “Talk to a Mentor” button on this page and someone will reply by email and come alongside you in confidence as a supporting fellow man. Let me pray,

    “Dear Heavenly Father, nothing is impossible for You and so we come to Your throne of grace to find mercy and help in times of trouble. You created marriage as a sacred institution for the welfare and happiness of mankind in which man and woman become one, reflect Your image and worship You. Steve and his wife need Your presence in their marriage to remake their marriage with its original love and joy.

    Please help Steve’s wife remember that marriage is a decision to be committed to one another no matter what, and from that commitment, unselfish love can flow between them as they receive Your love. Help her recall and wish for the love and pleasure they shared in the past. We ask this for them in the powerful name of Your Son, Jesus Christ, our Redeemer and Lord. Amen.”

  • Steve B says:

    I have been married for 23 years and we have been together for 25. My wife has always had a low sex drive compared to me, but within the last 5 years she says she has no sexual drive at all. She tells me it’s because she is depressed, but she won’t go see anyone about the depression. She has told me that she is afraid to take the physc meds because of the side effects can be worse then dealing with depression.

    Now fast forward to where we are today, she has been having what she calls an “emotional affair” for the last 14 months, with a younger guy. She tells me the relationship is only texting and flirting over the text messages. She tells me she has not been physical with him. I doubt that, we all live in the same area and I only found out because she had me get her phone one day and he was texting her and I saw a few of the messages. I asked her about it and she said she had fallen in love with him, but she does not want to divorce me.

    I am at a loss since she refuses to talk to me about the issues of our marriage she has concern over, but she will talk with him. I am currently in counseling and she refuses to go and talk.

    I am ready to file for divorce, but deep down I still love her. Not sure how much more I can take

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Sabatoged, sounds like you are speaking out of personal experience. Have you been involved in a great love that has been ruined?

  • Hopelessly helplessly sabatoged says:

    Sexless loveless, untouched=unloved/unwanted = no self esteem sometimes there is no love in someone’s life. Especially when people find out they were ment to have great love. Jealousy and hate can ruin the greatest love and broken hearts don’t always heal, but they have the ability to kill the person whom’s heart is beyond repair

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Brassyhub, I really appreciate your honesty. I can imagine how difficult it is for the two of you, and especially for you since, as you say, this sexless marriage was imposed on you. I have known a number of couples who had strong indications of God’s leading them together but their marriages were severely tested by situations outside of their control. I know some of those people have had serious crisis of faith in those circumstances. I wonder if part of God’s purpose in making clear His leading them together was to help carry them through those extraordinary challenges. What were some of the indications of God’s leading in your relationship? Has that been a part of your continued commitment to your wife and your marriage?

    Do you have people in your life with whom you can talk about the struggles of your marriage?

    Let me pray for you: Lord Jesus, life can be so confusing sometimes, and it is hard at times to understand why You allow such painful things to happen. I pray that You help Brassyhub to find rest in his trust in You. I pray that You would help him to see how You are working through this uniquely challenging marriage and using it to mould this couple into a clearer reflection of Your character. I do pray for a miracle to take place, but I also know that many times it is in the journey through difficult times that You accomplish things far greater than we could ask or imagine. Provide a safe place for Brassyhub to find support and encouragement as he wrestles with being a loving husband. And help his wife to discern how she can best love her husband. It is good to know that You are near and do indeed lead and guide us in all situations. Amen.

    Brassyhub, let me invite you to connect with one of our mentors in a more private conversation through email. There is no cost and I am sure that you will find a mentor who can help walk this difficult path with you. Just fill out the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ and one of our mentors will be in touch with you soon by email.

  • Chris says:

    brassyhub….sorry you are struggling, however the bible does not condemn you now to live with your lesbian wife since she whatever type of sexual unfaithfulness to ones mate is grounds for divorce and remarriage according to jesus in matthew 19. i would encourage you to log onto knowingjesuspersonally.com or click talk to a mentor above to begin your own personal and saving relationship with jesus christ if you havent already. then be in a true christian church where a godly pastor can orient you on your freedom to remarry another christian woman should you so want to but the fact that God is not condemning you to the marriage you are in now is biblically accounted for.

  • Brassyhub says:

    In a childless marriage of more than thirty years, my wife came out to me and to herself three years ago as a lesbian. I discovered that we were in what is called a ‘mixed orientation marriage’ (MOMs), and that my wife cannot feel any desire for me, though we continue to be faithful to each other in a now totally sexless marriage. For couples like our, there are simply no answers and no miracles. Gay or lesbian orientation is simply not a choice, but a given. Her years of struggles and unanswered prayers have pretty well destroyed her faith, and have massively shaken my own. We now both see our sexuality, not expressed, as a curse and not as a blessing.

    I wonder in how many sexless marriages this may be the real issue. And there is so little talk about this, there is so little help, support for MOM’s who want to stay together and try to make their commitment together work. My wife is now asexual, but I am not. So I have had chastity imposed on me, not by choice, or by some accident or sickness (which I would have found FAR easier to accept). But rather all those years ago, we both felt God’s leading and loving hand pushing us together. And now I puzzle how a loving God can take two people who really tried to love and serve him to such a sad and sexless place.

  • Aldo says:

    Callie, those are some stories you are telling both back in January, and now in March.

    What I suggest that you do is spend lots of time reading the Bible and praying.

    It sounds like no human being is able to change the situation as it is, but as the Bible says in Luke 1:37 “For with God nothing will be impossible.”

    By the way, if either you or your husband would like to chat one on one with a mentor, click on the Talk to a mentor button at the top right of this page. A mentor will be happy to discuss your issues with you.

  • Callie says:

    Last night my mother hieloed up and took our son for a few weeks, to play with other kids, Its left my husband a I alone up here, He said the hot spring is within the raidius of my ankle tracer. He suggested we go for a swim in it in nothing this morning, I am still pretty angry about Christmas and its aftermath, when he got my tracker put on for home detention in what has to be the one place in the world where other people might come by every three or four years, all because he says I interfered with his civil rights on Christmas, when all I was doing was try and keep guests that had traveled 1230 miles from where we used to live. More than a few have had past run ins with my husband over jobs, vacations, and holidays.
    Many of the feelings about my husbands defiance to them and their was offspring was offensive over the last 33 years. One of the guest even said to his father how disappointed he must be in having a son who did not stand for true conservative and Christian ideals, So to stop my now angry husband from opening his mouth and insulting this man about being as my husband puts it a bottom feeding fish that’s so discusting he would not even make a decent meal, being lower than whale scat. I did not want confrontation from my husband on Christmas, We could not get him to leave that day even after his father offered 4000 to go any where he wanted just not be at home. My husband as usual was going to only defy his father and stayed. So to have a tension free meal, I handed my husband his first holiday dinner in 33 years and asked him not to be offended but please go to the pole barn to eat out of the wind. I got the plate back in my face. The only way they finally forced him out on the porch was using pistols to force him out on the porch. My husbands cane coat and Stetson followed with the words stay gone until he developed manners in a 1000 years, My husband said nobody had the right to force him out of his house or tell him to eat sitting in a pole barn on Christmas, his nose and one ear was bloody and there were injuries in the house. Then my mother in law rushed in and said we cant find his Rifle, I saw my husband saddling Bart. Put his riffle in the saddle holster and I was thinking OMG he’s going to go find an ambush sight to take out the men that produced pistols. I went running out to the kitchen to put another plate together and tell him to come in and eat. I heard the front door crash and Bart was halfway in the house. He was trained as a calf roping horse when he felt the loop from my husband lariat land he automatically pulled back. The loop was around his fathers neck, my husband noticed another man reaching for his belt and pistol, My husband said go ahead be stupid, before you can clear an unsafty that weapon he would have a .30 hole in his head. He then made everyone that helped throw him out leave including his father. That’s how I broke my probation over my husbands civil rights, by asking him to eat in the pole barn.
    I have contacted a lawyer but she says that I did not have the right to ask my husband to leave his home to keep his fathers and my friends from being offended by his presence. He has the right to defy any society he wish’s or doesn’t like in his home. She said that as far as the courts are concer5ned we are still trying to deny my husband rights. Which was something I had agreed not to do in 2014 to be put on probation.

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