I can’t be happy no matter what I do
I can’t be happy whatever I do. I try everything, but all the things that were making me happy aren’t making me happy anymore. I get angry too much and sometimes I don’t want to see anybody. Also, when I look at the mirror, I can’t like myself. I’ve been feeling like this for 3 months.
Advice: Usually at the onset of depression there is an identifiable event that either triggered the unhappiness, or caused it. Can you think of what that event was three months ago? If this onslaught was at a certain point in time and you can’t pinpoint it, then you need to make an appointment with your doctor. Something is causing the seratonin level in your brain to drop. Let us know what you come up with.
Are you battling suicidal thoughts?: Talk to a mentor
Do you feel alone in the darkness?: Check out our resources
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Hi Struggling, I’m glad you didn’t hit delete. You have hope that an answer might exist, even though it seems really unlikely. We can work with that. You mentioned that a lot of what had been written was written by 19-26 year olds, so full disclosure, I’m turning 36 next month. (I swear my 30th birthday was just last year….) When I read your comment the first thing I wondered was whether or not you believe that a better/different/more fulfilling/happier? life is possible. It reminded me of a piece I read on Seth Godin’s blog the other day. He writes:
Wrestling with a puzzle, a project or a problem, the likeliest reason to give up is the belief that it can’t be done. What’s the point of persevering if it’s actually impossible to succeed?
“It can’t be done,” we say, throwing up our hands. Not “I can’t do it,” or “It’s not worth my time,” but “It can’t be done.”
So that’s my question to you, do you believe it’s possible. Is it hard to find a woman to settle down with because you can’t imagine what she’d actually be like? Is it that you have a hard time picturing a person you’d trust with your kids? Do you believe something about yourself that makes you think that the type of woman you want won’t want you back? You said that, “the thought of settling with them just isn’t even an option”. Can you hear what you’ve written there? You have decided before you’ve even met this women that it cannot work. So I’m curious as to why. What is it about your situation that makes it impossible? Is this thing something that can be worked on or is it an immoveable obstacle?
You spoke a lot about your state of mind, which makes sense. Our thoughts direct our actions, feelings, responses and the way we interpret the responses of people around us. Thoughts are incredibly important. So I’d challenge you to take a closer look at your thoughts. Feelings of depression are often very complex. Are you able to identify your feelings more accurately? Are you feeling worried? Sad? Disappointed? Betrayed? Guilty? Let down? Hopeless? Like a failure? Unfulfilled? Unsuccessful? Unloved? Unlovable? Unappreciated? Incompetent? Insufficient? Invisible? Do you feel unwanted or not needed? I know that’s an awful list but you can identify specifically what you’re feeling then it gives you something practical to work from. Rather than trying to address an overarching “this feels bad” you can start to form a plan to address specifically which kind of bad.
If you’ve been depressed for 30 years and are not currently under a doctor’s care I would suggest that you reconsider that. If one specific drug or one specific therapist has not worked, another one might. If pharmacology hasn’t worked for you, consider a naturopath. If you don’t like talking, try running – see if endorphins can help you out. Whatever you choose you’ll probably find that some kind of support helps. You need to find what works for you. You hinted at some possible thoughts of suicide but that your kids gave you a reason to stay. I’m glad you have a reason. If you ever find that reason slipping away, don’t hesitate to call a suicide hotline (1 800 SUICIDE in the US).
I do not believe that your current life is “all there is” or “as good as it gets”. A certain amount of healthy discontent precedes any change. When that discontent goes unchecked, as I suspect it has for you, then it becomes harder to see that there is life out there. Think back to when your kids where newborns. There were probably a few weeks when you were so tired and sleep deprived that the world beyond a crying infant ceased to exist. You could hardly remember what sleeping in felt like, couldn’t imagine going out for dinner & drinks with friends from work. The world didn’t get smaller, but it felt like it did because your exhaustion made it impossible to see. Depression is often like that. It makes the world feel very small and dark. But the world is vast and full of colour and I believe that you can find your way back to it.
I’m also going to ask you exactly the same thing I asked the last person who commented here: where are you spiritually? Do you have a faith? I know that in my own life my faith in God has made an unbelievable difference. I believe that he created me on purpose and has a plan for my life and I believe that the same is true for you. If you’ve felt like you’re looking for something and you can’t find it, you might be craving a connection to God. There’s a great video you can watch called Crave that talks about how all people crave three basic things – intimacy, destiny and meaning. We want to be loved. We want to do something great and for our lives to count. If those cravings resonate with where you are today, you might find the film interesting.
I don’t know if you believe in God. I do. I believe that he sees each one of us and the his plan of redemption includes us both. You can read more about what it knows to mean God and if you have questions about faith in particular you can talk to a mentor, free of charge, anytime.
This comment has gotten really long, but you asked a great question and I wanted to answer it as thoroughly as I can. I don’t think a hobby is going to fix this. You need hope. Hope comes from God. Hope comes from believing that we are not lonely souls wandering this planet alone and unobserved. So these are my thoughts from the outside. What do you think? Write back and let me know how you’re doing.
I’m struggling!! Everything I read has been written by 19 – 26 year olds, which is fine…but I’m 41 and struggling. The worst part about it all, is I can’t even tell you why I’m struggling. I’ve got a decent job, car, motorbikes and all the other ‘material’ items you could hope for. I’ve also got 2 fantastic small children who I love more than life itself, yet I still find it difficult to find any enjoyment in anything. I was taking zoloft for about 6 years, but have recently got myself off them, basically because they didn’t seem to be doing the trick anymore. I was taking 100mg a day which is quite a lot and I’m wondering weather to go back on them again, because this feeling I have worries me sometimes. I’m pretty sure that if I didn’t have my kids around…them I wouldn’t be – if you know what I mean. My kids mother and I have been split for 6 years, which brings me to my next problem. I just can’t find anyone I want to be with?? I am able to find ‘girlfriends’, but the thought of settling with them just isn’t even an option. I convince myself the right one is out there somewhere, but I am seriously doubting that very much..especially when I’m in this state of mind. I’m just not giving myself a chance, and I don’t feel there’s anything I can do to change that. I’m sure some of the responses will be…’get yourself a hobby’, or something equally obvious, but I’ve tried and nothing is keeping my interest. I think I have kind of resigned myself to the idea that this is how my life is going to be and to just get on with it, but I tell you what…it’s very hard to keep it going. I’ve probably been depressed for 30 years now, so for me to reach 41 is no mean feat. So here I am, not really knowing why I’m writing this as I don’t think anything anyone can say or suggest will make any difference. The fact is, I don’t really have anyone to talk to, or no one I would want to go into depth with, regarding my ‘problem’, and yes, I’ve seen counsellors which works for a few weeks but then I find myself back where I started?? I start out with good intentions that ‘this time it’s going to work’, but it never does!
Anyway, contemplating deleting this…but no, I’m going to hit the submit button just to look at my thoughts from the ‘outside’. Might help :-)
Jon,
I do not know the details of your story, but I can promise you this: the best part of your life is not behind you. There are countless stories of people whose success happened later in life. You are not “later in life” yet, you’re only 26. There is a lot of hope for you. But what do you do today? There are a couple of things I would suggest. First of all, I wanted to ask you where you are spiritually. Do you have a faith? I know that in my own life my faith in God has made an unbelievable difference. I believe that he created me on purpose and has a plan for my life and I believe that the same is true for you. If you’ve felt like you’re looking for something and you can’t find it, you might be craving a connection to God. There’s a great video you can watch called Crave that talks about how all people crave three basic things – intimacy, destiny and meaning. We want to be loved. We want to do something great and for our lives to count. If those cravings resonate with where you are today, you might find the film interesting.
Secondly, why do you hate the idea of depression medication? Do you see depression as a weakness? Do you know someone who has had a bad experience with depression meds? Do you just dislike taking pills in general? I am not a doctor, but from the way you’ve described your situation it certainly sounds to me like you might be dealing with a form of depression. Have you considered going to see your doctor or going for counselling? Depression is not a failure, it’s a illness. If your arm was broken you would have it put in a cast, you wouldn’t just tell yourself to suck it up and heal. It’s the same thing with depression, there’s real, tangible medical and therapeutic intervention that can help. It’s not necessarily forever, but it can really give you the support you need to get better.
Third, is your current experience situational? Ie are you feeling this way because a relationship ended, you lost a job or a dream died? Those can be incredibly hard things to go through. If that’s what has happened then some solid counselling could really help you to work through the pain and loss and start to figure out what your next step is. Where do we go from here? It’s a tough question, but one that can be answered.
You said that you don’t know how to fix yourself anymore. What if you didn’t have to? What if being ok wasn’t up to you? God tells me that I am forgiven. There’s a verse in the Bible that says that when a person brings God into their life the old is gone and they become a new creation. God is all about redemption, he’s really good at picking up the broken pieces and making us whole again. You can read more about what it means to know God here. If you’d like to talk to someone we have mentors available here on the site. If you’d like us to pray for you, just let us know.
I know that it can seem like you’re up against a brick wall and there’s nowhere to turn, but this is not where your story ends. There are good days ahead of you.
Ive been sinking deeper and deeper into this terrible void in my head. Ive tried all my old solutions to fix myself whenever I had the blues but its not working. All my hobbies have decayed and if im not at work then im lying in bed for hours trying to motivate myself to do something. Im 26 years old and feel like ive passed the best years of my life. I hate the idea of using depression medication, i dont know how to fix myself anymore.
Don – Being laid off is brutal and looking for a new job IS hard work whether the people in your life recognize that or not. If you are actively looking for work every day then you’re doing everything you can and no one can ask more of you. I think it’s similar to when a person is trying to lose weight or quit smoking or paying down debt – any process that takes a while – it’s not just the end goal that counts as success. Rather, every day that you don’t give up, every day that you keep working at it is a success. It can be hard for people who have not gone through it to understand how difficult it can be to get through one more day. Are you able to talk to your wife about this? It could be that if you explain to her all the things you are doing she might better understand that this isn’t easy. She might have some other ideas for you to try or she might simply see that you really are exploring every option.
It sounds like there’s a lot of backstory behind your statement that “my wife don’t allow me to do anything but chores” – everyone deserves a break. Yes you are at home now which means that you have more time to help out with chores than you did when you were working, however everyone deserves a break form time to time. Stay at home Moms get a babysitter and an evening off every now and then. I know money is tight but there are ways to get out of the house and enjoy yourself without ruining the budget. Maybe you and your wife could go for a long walk and get an ice cream together, or grab a coffee and talk? I’m sure it’s stressful for her too, for both of you. Anything you can do to pull closer together when you’re both feeling the pressure will be to your benefit.
You can’t just “snap out of it”. If that was that simple who would choose to stay depressed? Do you have medical insurance? Would you be able to see your doctor? If you’d like to talk to one of our mentors privately (a free service) you can use this form to request a mentor and you’ll hear back from one, usually in a couple of days.
Your current situation is not forever, but I know it probably feels like forever. I hope we can help.
I feel this way daily almost everyday. Mine was triggered after being laid off and unable to find work. A month after being laid off, my father had a stroke and passed a week later. This has taken a huge toll on my mental health. My spouse is supportive at times, but also expects me to snap out of it. I lost interest in all social activities (Partly because being unemployed, my wife don’t allow me to do anything but chores). I find myself feeling useless and sitting with the thousand yard stare at the wall. Feeling sorry for yourself sucks, but being positive and deflated by failure is a hard too! Being positive with baby step goals help and make you feel a since of accomplishment! Just keep things simple in your daily tasks. Setting goals no matter how small will help.
I have the same issue. Nothing seems to work and my family won’t understand
just try to cry, you may release this bad feelings