My husband controls my life and I want to leave

Written by Dr. Ginger Gabriel, Ph.D., M.F.T

controlhusbandMy husband controls who I have for friends, what kinds of meetings I go to, what I should wear to cook breakfast in. I’m thinking of leaving him.

Advice: You really do have some choices before you move out. You can give your husband the choice of being controlling or of being frustrated. The reason we get frustrated in our lives is that things we want to happen don’t, and we get frustrated. You might stop letting him control you. For example: you might wear something else to cook breakfast in. He yells {the normal way to try to control is to use intimidation} at you, and you respond sweetly: “I’ve thought about your request that I wear high heels to cook in, and even though I enjoy making you happy, I’ve decided that I’m more comfortable in these pants and tennis shoes.” He says: “If you loved me, you would wear what I requested. You’re just selfish.” You could say: “I love you and I think I’ll wear this.” If he is prone to violence, have the phone near by to call 911 if he threatens you physically. If he hits you, call the police and have him arrested. It’s against the law to hit women for not wearing what you want them to. Then I’d get counselling and join a support group, to help decide if this marriage can be saved.

On the other hand, he might decide to start respecting you when you decide to start respecting yourself and taking yourself seriously as a person. When controlling people don’t get their way, they will end up frustrated. Some people don’t have a high tolerance for frustration. Those people do not make good candidates for a strong relationship such as marriage.

A controlling person will not change without your first making some decisions about the quality of your and your children’s lives, and without YOU making some changes.

Dr. Ginger


103 Responses to “My husband controls my life and I want to leave”

  • Doris Beck Doris Beck says:

    My heart goes out to each of you and the difficult situations that you are in. Having grown up in that kind of home, I realize just how painful it is. My first suggestion is always to see if your husband will go for counseling, but in many cases, a man who needs to be in control and who is emotionally and verbally abusive doesn’t see that he is the problem.

    But something needs to change so perhaps as the author of this article suggests, it needs to be you. Stand up for yourself. Respect yourself. Don’t allow yourself to be controlled. If you have a pastor or someone to talk to, reach out. See a counselor yourself for some help in dealing with the situation. And set some boundaries in your relationship, not just for yourself, but your children for those of you with children.

    We also have a great team of online mentors who would love to walk the journey with you. Just fill out the form on this page and someone will email you.

  • supriya venu says:

    Be aware while taking life decisions dear
    God bless u…

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    Dear Father God.

    Lord I lift up anyone who is struggling with this situation in there lives, that you will comfort them bring them help in Jesus name Amen

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