My husband controls my life and I want to leave
My husband controls who I have for friends, what kinds of meetings I go to, what I should wear to cook breakfast in. I’m thinking of leaving him.
Advice: You really do have some choices before you move out. You can give your husband the choice of being controlling or of being frustrated. The reason we get frustrated in our lives is that things we want to happen don’t, and we get frustrated. You might stop letting him control you. For example: you might wear something else to cook breakfast in. He yells {the normal way to try to control is to use intimidation} at you, and you respond sweetly: “I’ve thought about your request that I wear high heels to cook in, and even though I enjoy making you happy, I’ve decided that I’m more comfortable in these pants and tennis shoes.” He says: “If you loved me, you would wear what I requested. You’re just selfish.” You could say: “I love you and I think I’ll wear this.” If he is prone to violence, have the phone near by to call 911 if he threatens you physically. If he hits you, call the police and have him arrested.
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On the other hand, he might decide to start respecting you when you decide to start respecting yourself and taking yourself seriously as a person. When controlling people don’t get their way, they will end up frustrated. Some people don’t have a high tolerance for frustration. Those people do not make good candidates for a strong relationship such as marriage.
A controlling person will not change without your first making some decisions about the quality of your and your children’s lives, and without YOU making some changes.
Dr. Ginger
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Makayla I think you missed the point that Alexis was making…she was responding to the name of the article, that is ‘My husband is controlling’. Physical force isn’t right against either gender, male or female, but the reality that the author is addressing in this article is that there are many women out there who are in very controlling relationships and marriages and for a number of different reasons they stay in those relationships.
Khuno, you are right in thinking that your husband wants to control you. I love what the author says above, that ‘You can give your husband the choice of being controlling or of being frustrated. The reason we get frustrated in our lives is that things we want to happen don’t, and we get frustrated. You might stop letting him control you.’ It’s time for you to take responsibility for your life and not allow him to continue to control in every area.
i think my husband want to control me, he tells me he does not want the haistyle i want to do, he tells me how to drive n im not a good driver.
No one can ctrl u & honestly I wud divorce him if he was that much of a douchebag… and uhm alexis shut uhp its against the law to hit a woman? But its not to hit a guy? Well thts just stupid y do ppl hav 2 b so sexist girls r not weak I H8 it wen dudes say hahaa u got beat uhp by a girl
Dear Phyllis,
My heart goes out to you. Since he thinks that he loves you I would strongly suggest that you go to a marriage counselor and begin to talk through the issues of control.Obviously his idea of love is very different than yours and you need to be able to communicate that with him.
We also have online mentors who would love to walk alongside of you on your journey. Just fill out this page http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ and a mentor will email you back.
We have been married 26 years & have no children. We are both retired. My husband controls the money-his money! My money is from my disability check. When we bought our property, he did not allow me to sign the deed with him. He will buy me anything I want within reason but I am not a “taker”. He does not give me money, but he does pay all the house bills including food. He used to be a manager in a large corporation so anything “he” says or does is the best. He never compliments me, nor is he demonstrative in the emotional feel. We sleep in different rooms on different floors. He can’t understand why I have my own email address & constantly thinks I am hiding something from him–I am not and I will not cheat either! He wants to learn the computer but when I try to teach him, he gets angry with me. When he finally learns something–he is the one who is better at it than me! When I make dinner, he compliments me and then tells me there is a better way to prepare that meal! We go out to lunch/dinner together & he never talks to me…he claims he can’t hear me. (he wears 2 hearing aids) He does not talk to me when we ride in the car & we do not share the same interests. He used to be a photographer when “film” was in & refused to learn a digital camera. However, now he tells me since he
“used”to be a photographer, he is the one who should take all the photos as “I” don’t know what I am doing! I told him I wanted a divorce & then he quietly pleaded “please don’t leave me, I love you”? What? One last thing, aside from sleeping apart, there is NO sex in this marriage. He watches kinky porn in private in the master bedroom which is “his” bedroom! He will not allow me to sleep in the guest bedroom which is next door to his bedroom for fear I might “hear” something through the walls! I sleep in a large room with my cats & do not sleep more than 4-5 hrs a night. However, he never hits me..but I feel that this is emotional blackmail. I’d love your comments! Thanks so much.
Hi Iris, You must have been very young when you got married to have been married for 19 years already. It’s hard to say for sure if this is abuse from just what you’ve said but it definitely sounds controlling and not very supportive. I agree with Candice’s comment, take a look at the site she linked you to. Are you trapped in the house? You said that he does not take you out, are you able to come and go on your own? I am not sure why you would not be allowed to use the phone. Do he restrict your access to your friends and family? I do not know if your husband is abusive, but one of the things that is very common in abusive situations is isolation. The partner who is more dominant or in control will isolate the other person from anyone who could support them. They do this so that when they start making demands that you are uncomfortable with they can convince you that you don’t have anywhere to go.
Have you talked to him about the phone rules? Has he given you any reason as to why you would not be allowed to use it? Even if you did marry very young, you might have been a child then but you are not a child now. You are an adult and should be treated as an adult, even if he is a lot older than you are. It sounds very lonely. Is there someone in your neighbourhood that you can talk to? A family member or a trusted friend? The mentors on this site that Candice mentioned can also be an excellent resource. I’d encourage you to contact one. You’re not alone in this.
Iris,
The National Domestic Violence Hotline has a lot of information on abuse and what constitutes as abuse. I would check there to see if your treatment lines up to abuse. Another thing you can do is seek help from a marriage counselor, as it sounds like you and your husband are on different pages with expectations. If you would like someone to talk to with confidentiality, Power to Change has mentors who are ready to offer a listening and comforting ear. If you would like to talk to someone today, please click here.
Hey everyone im 33 yrs of age n been married for 19 yrs,hes alot older.and he wants me to get a job but when I do get one he asked me how am I getting there,he doesnt give me money,mind u I cook clean n take care of our three kids..is this abuse?,or is it me..he dont take me out,im in the house 24/7.no sex,cant be on my phone n I have to go to bed when he does.smh
Barb I am glad to see that you did realize that you didn’t have to stay in that very abusive relationship which wasn’t healthy for you or your children. Abusive husbands need help and if they aren’t willing to get that help than it is better for you to get out before you and/or your children get hurt or worse, killed.
GET OUT NOW!!! I just left my controlling husband and I’m not looking back. He was taking over my life–telling me what to wear, what to eat, etc. At first he tried to break down my self-esteem by saying that I had put on weight (I’m 5’10″ and weigh 145 pounds). Then he started to tell me how to dress and how to cut my hair. I was banned from cooking because, according to him, I made too much of a mess. He would demand that the house be cleaned–everyone had to wear socks or slippers so no footprints could mark up the floor. He would steal money from my purse and swear that my memory was failing due to menopause (I’m 41 years old and my doctor said that I’m not showing any signs of menopause). He has cursed at me as well as my children to the point that we’ve all been in tears. I thought things could get better but they only escalated…he started slapping me in the mouth and claimed he was just “playing” around. He has also left horrible bite marks on my stomach and thighs to try to keep me from going to the public pool. I even had to use my previous self-defense training to keep him from choking me out. It didn’t stop there–the yelling and verbal threats were horrifying. This nut even threatened to shoot the family dog between the eyes if he chewed up any more furniture. The stress on the children and me was unbearable.he evn had the audacity to ration out toilet paper-I could have 3 squares while my children could have 1 square apiece. I left him and don’t regret it one minute! Our marriage hasn’t lasted even a year, but I couldn’t bear the thought of exposing my children and myself to any more of his abuse. Find a church, a friend, a family member. You deserve better and remember there are services out there that will help you get through this. Don’t think that you have to put up with any abuse. Controlling husbands are insecure and paranoid. They feed off your fear. Get out while you still can.
Milo there is help. If you are a part of a church you might try talking to your pastor and asking for help there. You may also want to connect with a counselor that would help either you or both you and your husband. If you are feeling threatened you should contact the Women’s shelter in your area. You can find out that information at http://www.shelternet.ca or http://www.thehotline.org/. Here you will find lots of info about abused women and numbers to call if you live in the Canada or the USA. If you live elsewhere you can find similar resources for your own country.
It can be very helpful to have a friend who will support you through all of this. Try talking to one of our online mentors. The Mentor Request Form is at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor.
Let me pray for you: God in heaven, I pray for Milo. Protect her Lord from the damaging impact of her husband’s controlling nature. Set her free by healing his heart. Guide Milo to the best help for her and strengthen her by Your Spirit. Amen.
I think you need to get out. Go online and do some searching (probably best to do this at work so he can’t see your search history). There are probably shelters in your area that will help you get away from him and reestablish your life. You are not alone and there is someone who can help you just keep asking for help.
My HUSBAND CONTROLS MY WHOLE LIFE. what meals I cook, what I wear, what time I should go to be, when I should clean house, who my friends are, has anialited my whole family, screens my phone calls and have turned our children against him. He believes he is doing nothing wrong. The more I stand up to him. The more difficut he becomes. When I constantly agree with his wishes and requests he accuses me of being uninterested in his business and dreams. I am at my witts end. In the last year I have started to drink in order to cope. I know this is wrong. I don’t have the strength to leave. Is there some way to get out of this mess. I feel as though I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. The only time I have any peace is when I am asleep. Pernament sleep seems to be the answer. I know there is no such thing as permnament sleep, except for death, so this is not the answer. Is there any one out there who has experienced this life and has a plan for excape? Contact me if you know a way out of this misery.
Wow Anne! That is an extreme form of control. I can tell that his intimidations are geared to result in the feelings you are describing: no contact with friends, fear of being destitute, and fear of standing up for yourself. That is not a healthy place for you and not a healthy place for him either. It allows him to develop into a hyper-paranoid, angry, bitter man who is unable to respond to other humans in love and genuine care. And the impact it has on you is devastating. The above article by Dr. Gabriel is a good one that has good advice of how to begin to stand up for yourself. I don’t see any mention in your comment that says your husband is physically threatening you but if he is you need to make sure that you protect yourself if you intend to ask that he treat you with more respect. An online resource that you can access is http://www.shelternet.ca or http://www.thehotline.org/. Here you will find lots of info about abused women and numbers to call if you live in the Canada or the USA. If you live elsewhere you can find similar resources for your own country. I would also recommend contacting on of our online mentors: someone who can be a friend to connect with. The Mentor Request Form is at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor.
Lord God, I pray for Anne and her husband. They are in a relationship that is not at all what You have intended. Anne needs Your help to find a way to be free from the oppressive control of her husband. Would You guide her to those who will best be able to help? Would You bring friends into her life who will help support her? Will You make Your love and protection known to her so that she can trust in You to bring freedom? In Jesus’ name, amen.
Ok but what if you can’t leave? My husband controls all of the money period. Though my checks are deposited (he physically comes to my office for me to give him my check)into “Our Account” and I am a signer he deberately does not include my name on the checks. He changed the password to the online banking. He “borrowed” my P.O. Box key and never returned it so I never see the mail before he does. I am not allowed to attend functions without him and he never wants to go with me to anything. On the rare occasion I have done something alone he drills me for details about what I did, who I was with and then ulimately accuses me of cheating on him. So I don’t even bother asking him if I can go do something with a friend, infact I rarely talk to my friends because afterward he accuses me of “Talking shit” about him. He monitors my phone and is the only one with access to the online statement. He checks my numbers and if an unusual one comes up he freaks and demands to know who I am calling. He also counts my texts. HE stays angery at me most of the time and it almost seems like he is searching for a reason to be angry when things have gone smoothly for a while, so I am always walking on eggshells to keep him from being angery. Then sometimes that doesn’t work because he says I’m acting weird and wants to know what I’m hiding. I have no money to leave because he controls it all. I have no family anymore, the few relitives I do have he has ailienated. I’m stuck.
I believe it’s against the law to hit a woman, period. Also, defying someone as controlling as that is very dangerous. Make sure someone else is around, or talk to your pastor or counselor for help first. Change in some way or form is definitely necessary, just make sure you have thought out your plan accordingly so as to minimize possible damage/harm and maximize a cooperative and loving mood when you start trying out your plan. May God bless you!