My husband controls my life and I want to leave
My husband controls who I have for friends, what kinds of meetings I go to, what I should wear to cook breakfast in. I’m thinking of leaving him.
Advice: You really do have some choices before you move out. You can give your husband the choice of being controlling or of being frustrated. The reason we get frustrated in our lives is that things we want to happen don’t, and we get frustrated. You might stop letting him control you. For example: you might wear something else to cook breakfast in. He yells {the normal way to try to control is to use intimidation} at you, and you respond sweetly: “I’ve thought about your request that I wear high heels to cook in, and even though I enjoy making you happy, I’ve decided that I’m more comfortable in these pants and tennis shoes.” He says: “If you loved me, you would wear what I requested. You’re just selfish.” You could say: “I love you and I think I’ll wear this.” If he is prone to violence, have the phone near by to call 911 if he threatens you physically. If he hits you, call the police and have him arrested.
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On the other hand, he might decide to start respecting you when you decide to start respecting yourself and taking yourself seriously as a person. When controlling people don’t get their way, they will end up frustrated. Some people don’t have a high tolerance for frustration. Those people do not make good candidates for a strong relationship such as marriage.
A controlling person will not change without your first making some decisions about the quality of your and your children’s lives, and without YOU making some changes.
Dr. Ginger
I have not heard you say anything about drinking…Does he Drink?…I picked up on …The Courage To Change….a program….is this true?….If there is drinking in the home and you are in a program, Alanon, then you will have a lot of support and you will know what to do…..after you have planed your work and worked your plan, at this time you will know what to do, with a lot of support from your group….when this happens, you will tell yourself….I will Not live in the situation no longer than 15 minutes, then go for your plan…trying not to hurt anyone…what you give will be what you get…
Sincerely,
From the Group,
MJ
I have a comment, when I’m with my husband he makes me feel stressed out and low. At the same time, he has become violent and careless about me and our son. Additionally, he is confusing because he acts loving and happy but if I don’t do what he wants to do he gets mad and break things around the house and sometimes a little abusive. What do I do?
thank you for this site, it was helpful to read and comforting in a weird way to know, im not alone.i felt I wrote some of your comments.thanks again.
I were with someone very controlling! Nothing I did were ever good enough! Even down to making a cup of coffee! He would get up and pour it away and say I didn’t know how to make one! He would mock me how I prepared tea and snigger when it were ready as though I didn’t know how to cook (which my family love my cooking) eventually it got to the point were I feel nervous if I have to make somebody a brew or something to eat incase I hadn’t done it right! He knocked my confidence in every area, saying I looked awful with no make up or I didn’t suit certain clothes! His temper were really bad aswell if I didn’t clean the house to his standard!
I left him, and I’m much happier, I have a man who loves me for who I am, but my confidence still hasn’t returned, infact I’ve never cooked for my current bf in two years because I’m too nervous!!
@Sandra, I understand getting involved in another relationship after leaving an abusive relationship is very scary as I left and abusive relationship. Often when a person enters another relationship it ends up being the same thing as the previous relationship. I am sure you are doubting yourself so when I have doubts what i do is look in the word for answers in Isaiah 40: 31
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar higher on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.
It is critical that before remarrying or getting involved in a relationship that you seek Christian counselor who will guide you through why you are attracted to abusive people. Often it is something in our past that we are unaware of that is even there and through guidance with a Christ center psychologist you will discover why and then healing will begin. As this is what helped me to heal and today I am dating a loving woman who is not abusive at all for me was the very weird at first as all my relationships after my marriage were abusive! God Bless
Hello,
I’ve left a violent/controlling relationship one and a half years ago. It was very hard to leave the relationship it took me a year of break ups and reconciliations until it finally ended. I feel such relieve, I’m building my self esteem up, my children are much happier and they even see their father now and we all sustain a healthy relationship.
I do not want to enter a relationship like my previous ever again, so I keep looking for signs if I get closer to someone. I started a relationship almost 2 months ago, and I feel down and exhausted. I feel I love him one moment, and 1 hour after I want to break up with him because I think he is too controlling. I feel like giving up, but he is much of what I’ve dreamed in a partner, so I don’t want to. He scares me sometimes, but I don’t know if I should trust my instincts, I feel I’m still “broken” and over alert. Any advice? Is this normal after an abusive relationship? Thank you.
Sheilah, I am so glad that you found this article and that it helped you to finally understand the issues behind having a controlling spouse. It’s a very difficult situation to live in and important for you to realize that as the author says, ‘A controlling person will not change without your first making some decisions about the quality of your and your children’s lives, and without YOU making some changes.’
One of the indicators is that they don’t see that they are controlling and will make you feel like it’s your problem, not theirs. But the police officer is absolutely right in telling you that your spouse is the stalked in this situation. Is this what you want your daughters to remember? What kind of relationships do you want them to have when they are grown? These are some of the questions that you will need to ask yourself.
Thank you Dr. Ginger. I think I finally understand.
I’ve had trouble with a controlling spouse for twenty years. Stalking has always been a problem; his sister goes around to my bosses, landlords, colleagues and neighbors gossiping about me and reporting things I’ve done (although it is usually twisted). A police officer recently told me that my spouse is the stalker and urged me to take our three daughters to the shelter.
I’ve tried talking to him to find out what he needs so I can make this stop. It has cost me a job and I really want to work. His responses vary from indignation and frustration. Last night he told me that he must control everything and if he doesn’t he feel frustrated. Then he told me he didn’t say that.
Now, that you’ve written it, it makes a lot of sense. It is very insightful. I don’t think he’s going to change. Thank you.
Joey,
Greetings brother, first I want to say you’re not alone. There are many men and women who’re addicted to all different forms of explicit imagery. There are people from all walks of life who are addicted from teachers to pastors. Its very important to understand your addiction and what effects it has on you http://fightthenewdrug.org/Science/.
Often people think of pornography as a victimless outlet, this great sermon has changed many people’s perspective on it. http://marshill.com/media/real-marriage/the-porn-path
Hi Claire, I have discussed this with my wife and she is of the same mind as you I guess your both right if there is no physical abuse i need to stay out. Its tought im quite outspoken and I dont like to see anyone being controlled or bullied. Thanks for the advice.
Hi Peter, This may sound strange, but if I were you the first thing I’d do is go talk to your wife. Ask her how she feels about this friend of yours and just check to see if there’s any chance that the friendship may have gotten a little closer than you intended. I don’t say this as an accusation but merely as a protection. If you are your friend’s only contact she may be coming to you more than she used to, or sharing emotional intimacies more than she used to. You might not have realized if it happened gradually, or if you are just genuinely trying to help your friend. By talking to your wife about it it protects all three of you – there are no secrets, no dark corners where suspicions could grow.
Secondly, you’ve already said your piece to your friend about your feelings on her husband’s behaviour and she has made her choice, so respect her and her marriage by abiding by the new standard. Her primary allegiance is to her husband, don’t get in the way of that. As long as she’s not in physical danger you have to let her live her own choices. She’ll know that she has a friend in you if she needs someone to talk to later.
Hi Missymoo, I can understand your frustration. I wonder if there’s a middle ground that you and your husband could reach? Is there any particular night of the week when his schedule is more regular? If so you might be able to meet with your friend then without causing any stress.
Alternately, when you’re both feeling calm and rested try to have this conversation again. Instead of telling that this is crazy calmly explain what you just told me. Tell him that you don’t know when he’s coming home and that not knowing would mean that you’d never get to see your friend and you’d like to find a compromise. Ask him if he could call when he’s getting ready to leave the office so you’d be able to wrap things up. Or perhaps having a schedule would help? If his work is really stressful maybe it would help him to stop off at Starbucks on the way home and de-stress over a cup of coffee before he comes in the door? Would you be able to meet at your friend’s house some of the time instead? If you’re both willing to bend a bit you should be able to reach a compromise.
Hi I’m a married man and my friends husband has requested that she not talk to me any more. We have been friends and nothing more. She has no friends now as he has driven all of them away. I’ve tried to get her to see that he is controlling but she says she needs to respect his wishes. what should i do ??
I would love some advice on my current situation. we’re married together 15 years. I don’t have a lot of friends but I have one very good friend. Recently he requested that they are not here when he comes home from work as he wants to relax and then they can come over. However he works odd hours never really know when he’ll be home. I said this and that it was crazy I couldn’t have a friend over 1 week or 1 a fortnight and them be home when he gets back and to just deal with it!! He didn’t like that at all and just said NO. I feel about 5.
Dear LMoran, Sounds like you are dealing with two issues here. One he is very controlling and the second is that he has a problem with porn. Have you spoken to him about his addiction and are you seeking some type of help in dealing with your relationship? Here is an article that might be of further help to you. http://powertochange.com/familylife/articles/sex-romance/what-pornography-brings-to-a-relationship/
You guys are crazy. We, women, need help and R asked to provide an email that our husbands can easily access. I’m a 50 yr old wi 2 young daughers. Need help, but he can access my email at anytime… Hello. How is that private.. He’s a porno addick… has been fore over 21+ yrs… Help
Why is paying rent and school fees not your responsibility? Why does he think that you should apy them? Are you earning an income? Does he have a job?
He always ask me to pay rent and school fees for our daughter. so i tell her that is not my responsibility, and he start to fight
Hi Sammy, why does your husband say he is going to move out?
My name is Sammy I’m 28 years old. i live with my husband so i need help my husband he always tel me that he is moving out tell me lot of stories please help i dont know how to do i can just let it go or what?
Hi Nicole, I am glad you were able to find this site. There are resources available to women like you who are being abused by their husbands. You can go to the National Domestic Violence Hotline either on their website http://www.thehotline.org/ or on the phone 1-800-799-7233. They can help you assess the safety of your home life and help you get out if that is necessary. Please do call them.
Lord God I pray for Nicole and ask that you would protect her from the abuse of her husband. Guide her decisions to find a place of safety and security. Restrain the anger of her husband and pull back the cultural blinders that he has that allow him to justify the way he treats his wife. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Hi everyone well for starters I’m a Caucasian female and I married an Arab. I’m 21 and Ive been married for 7 months. I jumped into something that I knew nothing about bc I thought I was in love and didn’t want to say no to someone. I’m alone I have no family no car no job no friends I’m alienated from the rest of the world and idk what I do. I have been beat and controlled. I’m not allowed to leave my house and I can’t because I don’t even have a dollar for bus fare. I have begged for a divorce but he refuses to grant me one bc in his religion the woman can’t divorce a man he has to divorce her. I want to leave and jut get out of Tennessee and never look back. I’ve lost everything from my car to the clothes and job I had. Idk what to do and I have nobody to help me.
Margret, that does not sound like a healthy relationship. Have you two talked to a marriage counselor or a pastor about your relationship? I think having a third person’s objective perspective could help you both find a way to interact in a healthy way. Do you think he would be open to that?
hi, ive been married for a year and a half my husband is a control freak he want let me work talk to friends or leave the house by myself he always accuses me of cheating when i dnt leave the house… is it his guilty conscience? he can never go anywhere without finding something to argue for and he gets angry and says hes leaving if i try to reason with him he gets ok but if i tell him fine leave and dnt come back he starts ripping my clothes and breaking mystuff and even taking the fuses out of my car.. he give me his debit card when he is in a good mood but when he is angry he takes it back and says he is going to cancel my transactions on paying bills and report me to the police for using his card. im sick of it and i have two daughters and he broke videos from school and christmas just because i didnt want to baby him not to leave because im so fed up with it and he busted our flat screen also i dnt know why he does these things. he want let me cut my hair or go back to school and he demands i get pregnant and i dnt want to because i was pregnant when we married and he was seeing his ex behind my back so i had an abortion and he tells me hes going to have me locked up for murder… i know its wrong but its my choice and a baby for me would complicate our problems lost in carolina! what should i do?
@Jess
In life the choices we make effect us in the future as being in the abusive situation you are in is not what Christ wants for you. Their is hope as when a person is being abused as you are often we are unable to see a path that God wants us to take to get out the situation that we find ourselves in. It is important to keep your safety first in mind as if we ask Christ to show us the way out he will.
God did not create you to live in an abusive relationship however the difficulty you will find is how to break the bondage that you are under. I myself do live in Canada as well and there are Christian organizations as well as Church which will help you. The most important aspect is to seek Christ in earnest prayer and ask him to reveal to you what you should do and even more importantly read the Bible and ask God through the Holy Spirit for wisdom. The changes you will need to be made might very well have to be drastic as I have found in my own life when I have lost all hope that I had to make a drastic change. The most important aspect is your safety so you must tread very carefully and ask Christ for wisdom and he will reveal to you what you should do. Search the internet to see what support groups are there that you can reach out too as I am sure there are Christian shelters for woman as yourself the biggest fear you will face is if you wish to reach out to them for them to help.
Lord in Psalm 18: 1-2 I love you, Lord; you are my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. Lord in your name I claim this for Jess and I ask Lord that you will reveal to her very clearly what she needs to do and that you will protect her. Lord if she has not come to know you I ask Lord that she will accept you and ask for forgiveness of her sins and that you will free her and give her courage to reach out.
In Jesus Name,
Amen
Hello good people, not really sure how to start here. Long life, lots of frustration. I married very young I was 19 when i married, I had been with the man though since age 14. I was raised by bikers who spent most their time – free or otherwise, drinking & partying with their ever so important friends, and pretty much ended up raising myself and my younger brother. Society tended to reject me due to my family situation and to that ends I developed over the years quite a few social disorders, and anxiety. My husband is also 14 years older than me. In all the years we have been together, i am now in early 30s, I always did everything a *good wife* does, cleaned, cooked, planned activities, gardening..etc etc down to darning his socks. In all these years all I ever did was to ask can I please go to school and better myself, get something for me? He would always put it off and tell me another time…like when fall starts or come this spring, or next month, next year…till I started to lose it a lil in this regard and broke down inside a great deal. At one time I was a hopeful person with lots of hopes and dreams to aspire to, now I struggle for even the creativity it takes to sketch. I have been denied what most ladies take for granted by first my family and then my husband, No dental care till teeth falling out of head, no doctor visits till i am collapsing on floor, no trips to the ymca or even the park. No mall visits- have not had a new wardrobe for about 15 yrs now. No evenings out at the theater or even a dinner away. Recently I have been diagnosed as hypothyroid and anemic. Trying to achieve good health is one more thing that I am pretty sure I cannot handle. My husband has me in complete lockdown as I am now living in the only home he could *afford* after getting us kicked out of our last home that was at least in the town. The new place for about a year now is in an orchard several miles from town and not on a bus route. I have to beg to leave, to do anything even a doctors apt I desperately need to attend. In last year since I have constantly been asking “please move us to Vancouver”(only place in western canada offering the courses I need to take) “please let me go to school”, heck i will try to get it for as cheap as possible if not free-now that hes not got the steady work that made it impossible for me to receive assistance prior. His control over my life is subtle but its ultimate and whenever I do bring any of this to his attention he runs away for a long while or goes off on me to make me afraid to talk to him. I dont want to be yelled at anymore or abandoned anymore, I want my life for the first time ever and dont know where to start? Having asked many family friends over the years I have all but given up on external assistance. I can only take rejection so much before I just give up and in. I want to be a whole human being, single or otherwise…I want to provide for myself and have something to be proud of, I want an education, and accessibility to what I need to thrive/survive. Any reflections, advice, past experiences that would help I would appreciate so very much Ty Jess
@Karen & Risa I understand the situations that you are in as I myself was in a very controlling marriage where she controlled everything and tried to destroy my soul even though during the time I did not like what happened but God delivered me from the situation. When we are in a situation such as that we don’t know how to physically get out of a situation and we cry out to God he will deliver us in amazing ways. God created the heavens and earth he can help you deal with the problems that you have in your life. One of the ways that he helps us deal with issues is through prayer with others and by reading the scriptures. We forget that King David who was a man after Gods heart had just as many if not worse problems then you face.
In Psalm 38:6-8 Though the Lord is great he cares for the humble, but keeps his distance from the proud. 7 Though I am surrounded by troubles. you will protect me from the anger of my enemies. You will reach out your hand and the power of your right hand saves me. 8. The Lord will work out his plans for my life-for your faithful love, O Lord endures forever. Don’t abandon me, for you made me.
When we trust God and ask him he may not deliver you from your situation but will give you the wisdom and strength through his Holy Spirit to help you. In my life recently I knew in my work I was being set up as my Vice President was working behind the scenes for me to fail so he would be able to fire me. I prayed that God would give me wisdom in how to deal with the situation as in the present climate I was hindered from reaching an unattainable sales target. An amazing thing happened is this healthy man died of a heart attack a few weeks ago and he was very health conscious! The problems for me have become even greater now as I am being pressured to reach the sales target which only God can delver. Each situation will be different however if we seek help either through online mentor with Truth Media or through a local Christian church group God will move however it requires total submission and God will give you the strength for each day.
Lord Jesus,
Thank you for both of these woman and Lord you understand their situation and there heart aches Lord I pray that you will comfort them with your Holy Spirit and that they will seek you for comfort. Lord I pray that you will bring people into there lives which can help them as well. In Jesus Name, God Bless
Hi Risa,
I can only imagine the frustrations you feel. Losing a job and a home are major life changes and both you and your husband may be responding to the major losses in different ways. However, it sounds like you have received some support from the church. Perhaps you can reach out more about what you are going through emotionally at the church. If you do not feel comfortable, you can always turn to our mentors here at:
http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
I pray that the Lord will send to your path more people who can be there for you and help you with your goals or simply just be a source of support for you. If more communication cannot occur between you and your husband, then hopefully God can allow him to experience things that will soften his heart. Lord, please be a strong presence in Risa’s life right now, in all the ways she needs. Please provide her with all that she needs and help her have ways out of what is under at this time. We trust you Lord, and as believers, when some of us are weak, you provide for us ways we can be strong for one another. Thank you Lord in advance for completing the works you have started in Risa’s life.
If it is possible, perhaps you can volunteer at places within walking distance that match your interests and goals, opening up more chances to connect with other people. If he is a danger to your well-being, then I strongly suggest talking to one of our mentors (again at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/) so that you can provide more information that can help us help you with local resources in your area, especially if transportation is an issue.
Hope to hear from you again, and may you be strengthened,
Rasheil
Hello my name is Karen and I’m 22 years old, I really don’t know if I’m the one destroying my marriage, and I dot have anybody to tell about what happens.
Let me start… We got married because I got pregnant, my fist child wasn’t planed as is our next one who is his way, (I’m pregnant) we have been together for 3 years now in his country, I do not have family here other than his family. He owes a small company, he knows how to work but he doesn’t know how to administrate His bussiness. I have tried to help him, but example last year I worked for him very hard, usually 15 hours per day some days were of 20 hours 7 days a week for about 3 months whithout gettig paid
and I decided to stop helping him ad the only thing I heard
from him was that we were not making any money, so I thought why I am working so hard for nothing so I decided to stop working for him, let me tell you I’m not a resident yet from this country so I cannot go to school,m which is what I want, we had plans for this year that I would help him so we can buy a house, we currently live in our RV which is very cheap rent, I decided to live here so I can support him more.
I was saying about our plans, we couldn’t go ahead with them as I become pregnant, which wasn’t a plan, and during my pregnancy I haven’t feel well, I trew out alot, have no energy, and I’m most of the time in bed, not because I want, but because I don’t feel well. Today he started telling me about he could make money if I helped him administrating his business but we don’t have communication at all so I told him is something I cannot do because I do not know much about his equipment and we donot communicate, and his reply was, stop replying back to me you should just listen to me and do what I said, I said to him I can not do that, and he said to me “stop bankrupting my business” and started to tell me why he has to pay all the bills, and why is only his responsibility to do so, I told him I could help him if I was a resident and could work and study. I really can’t work because I’m not resident and do not have work permit, and I don’t know what to do, he is always blaming me if he doesn’t make money, and I don’t know what to do, we fight alot because his business, and I really do not want to administrate his business because he takes bad dessitions and makes me so mad because I warned him about bad desitions he have took. Im very depressed I cry and he doesn’t not care he just says to me “why you cry?, you shouldn’t cry, you should do what I say” sometimes I want to leave him, because I have tried so much to help him like living in this RV outside of the city, paying very little rent and he doesn’t care how I feel, I feel used, but I’m scared to leave him, I love him, and I do not have money or anywhere to go, and even I think I’m the one who is destroying my marriage because I don’t want to help him! Please help me!
Ive been married 17 years. For the past year and h alf my husband do not work or bring money home to pay bills. I dont have what I need. Im depressed and looking for work so we are not kick out in syreet. I lost my house and car. He is a practicing minister who has a bus pass. I have no bus pass inless someone at chirch gets me one. This morning my bus pass is missing. Im not the type to loose things. Im mad about having no money no needs met so I refuse to sleep with him. We all sleep on the floor since I lost stuff in eviction foreclosure. I do not have any family to help me. I feel like this man is a control demon who has no love. He only concern about watching tv sex food not about a job to take care of us. If im upset he will go to church while im home crying. Im tring so hard to find a job to get control of my life. All I have is Jesus and this fustrating 47 old child
Thank you for sharing your story with us, Lena. Emotional and verbal control is a form of abuse in marriage, Lena, and I encourage you to watch the following video from Day of Discovery. It is called, “When Love Hurts: Understanding and Healing Domestic Abuse, When Submission is Misused, Part II”:
http://www.helpformylife.org/Products/DOD2050.aspx
Issues of control can lead to physical and other types of abuse in a marriage, Lena, and I encourage you to seek out counselling from a pastor or therapist, and if your husband is not willing to go, to attend sessions on your own to learn how to respond to his attempts to manipulate and control you. It is terrific that you recognize and are able to stand up to your husband at this point in your marriage. If you would like to talk to someone online privately, please fill out the form at the following link, and one of our mentors will respond to you confidentially:
http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
Lena, I pray your husband comes to see that, as you have stated, you are his wife, and not his child or one of his students, and that he begins to treat you with the appropriate love and respect.
My husband isn’t violent or abusive at all, but he is very controlling.
We are about to have dinner with my mom since today is Mother’s Day. I’m wearing a nice skirt with a nice top…the whole outfit is sexy but classy. Just a few minutes ago he started nagging me to change into something else. He was looking through all my clothes trying to find this one particular blouse that I’m not even sure I actually own. I stood firm and told him I had no intention of changing my clothes.
This went on for about 30 minutes. He is controlling when it comes to most things, constantly telling me what to do and when/how to do it. He is 14 years older than me so perhaps the age difference might be part of that. I believe it is also because he controls all the finances, so this control overlaps into other areas.
He is a teacher and sometimes he talks to me like I’m one of his students. I have to remind him often that I’m his wife, not a child.
He tries to control other people as well. When we’re out in public, he constantly criticizes other people for their parenting skills, their looks, and the way they are dressed.
The other night we went to a baseball game and he was just picking on people left and right.
I find it disgusting.
Dear Pauline,
I am so glad you found this article and responded to it. My heart goes out to you! Counseling for yourself to raise your self-esteem is my first suggestion to help you step up. Maybe you can find counseling service by searching the internet? Do you have access to a telephone when your husband is not home? How far is it to see your family? I know you have to fight to get out, but difficult as that is, that may be your ticket to freedom. Whether they can take you in or not, it will give you confidence to stand up against you husband. Be sure to look for “one-on-one mentoring” on this web site. Let’s pray together:
Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for the way Jesus stood up for the oppressed, the lonely and the broken heart-ed. You know the situation that Pauline is in, and You also have an answer for her. Help her one-step-at-a-time to build her self-esteem, stand up for herself, and find meaning & joy in life. Make a way (for her) where there seems to be no way. Give her the inner strength and determination she needs. She is a beautiful person and needs to be recognized as such! No doubt there is much You want her to do —- as soon as she has the freedom that her heart is longing for. Thank You, Lord, for lifting her up! In the powerful name of Jesus, Amen.
I have been married for five years and this is my 2nd marriage. Iam 59 and have been single before this for 15 years. My husband is controlling and its only in the last 2 years that I have realized what i am up against.To my detriment i have accomodated him in everything he wants and desires.I am isolated and have to fight to see my family.He is content to only see his brotheres and sisters and his married children.I AM DEPENDENT UPON HIM FINANCIALLY and He has also lent money to his oldest son in the amount of 70 thousand dollars without talking to me.He will not allow me to go and see my christian friends in another city who have been like my family and I am now suffering depression and all i want to do is read books ….I`m tired wear and want out but I don`t know how. Iwent to seemy brother which is a 13 hr. drive from where we live because my bro. is dying of cancer and my husband told me not to come back. But alas I came back and its the same old same old.
Makayla I think you missed the point that Alexis was making…she was responding to the name of the article, that is ‘My husband is controlling’. Physical force isn’t right against either gender, male or female, but the reality that the author is addressing in this article is that there are many women out there who are in very controlling relationships and marriages and for a number of different reasons they stay in those relationships.
Khuno, you are right in thinking that your husband wants to control you. I love what the author says above, that ‘You can give your husband the choice of being controlling or of being frustrated. The reason we get frustrated in our lives is that things we want to happen don’t, and we get frustrated. You might stop letting him control you.’ It’s time for you to take responsibility for your life and not allow him to continue to control in every area.
i think my husband want to control me, he tells me he does not want the haistyle i want to do, he tells me how to drive n im not a good driver.
No one can ctrl u & honestly I wud divorce him if he was that much of a douchebag… and uhm alexis shut uhp its against the law to hit a woman? But its not to hit a guy? Well thts just stupid y do ppl hav 2 b so sexist girls r not weak I H8 it wen dudes say hahaa u got beat uhp by a girl
Dear Phyllis,
My heart goes out to you. Since he thinks that he loves you I would strongly suggest that you go to a marriage counselor and begin to talk through the issues of control.Obviously his idea of love is very different than yours and you need to be able to communicate that with him.
We also have online mentors who would love to walk alongside of you on your journey. Just fill out this page http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ and a mentor will email you back.
We have been married 26 years & have no children. We are both retired. My husband controls the money-his money! My money is from my disability check. When we bought our property, he did not allow me to sign the deed with him. He will buy me anything I want within reason but I am not a “taker”. He does not give me money, but he does pay all the house bills including food. He used to be a manager in a large corporation so anything “he” says or does is the best. He never compliments me, nor is he demonstrative in the emotional feel. We sleep in different rooms on different floors. He can’t understand why I have my own email address & constantly thinks I am hiding something from him–I am not and I will not cheat either! He wants to learn the computer but when I try to teach him, he gets angry with me. When he finally learns something–he is the one who is better at it than me! When I make dinner, he compliments me and then tells me there is a better way to prepare that meal! We go out to lunch/dinner together & he never talks to me…he claims he can’t hear me. (he wears 2 hearing aids) He does not talk to me when we ride in the car & we do not share the same interests. He used to be a photographer when “film” was in & refused to learn a digital camera. However, now he tells me since he
“used”to be a photographer, he is the one who should take all the photos as “I” don’t know what I am doing! I told him I wanted a divorce & then he quietly pleaded “please don’t leave me, I love you”? What? One last thing, aside from sleeping apart, there is NO sex in this marriage. He watches kinky porn in private in the master bedroom which is “his” bedroom! He will not allow me to sleep in the guest bedroom which is next door to his bedroom for fear I might “hear” something through the walls! I sleep in a large room with my cats & do not sleep more than 4-5 hrs a night. However, he never hits me..but I feel that this is emotional blackmail. I’d love your comments! Thanks so much.
Hi Iris, You must have been very young when you got married to have been married for 19 years already. It’s hard to say for sure if this is abuse from just what you’ve said but it definitely sounds controlling and not very supportive. I agree with Candice’s comment, take a look at the site she linked you to. Are you trapped in the house? You said that he does not take you out, are you able to come and go on your own? I am not sure why you would not be allowed to use the phone. Do he restrict your access to your friends and family? I do not know if your husband is abusive, but one of the things that is very common in abusive situations is isolation. The partner who is more dominant or in control will isolate the other person from anyone who could support them. They do this so that when they start making demands that you are uncomfortable with they can convince you that you don’t have anywhere to go.
Have you talked to him about the phone rules? Has he given you any reason as to why you would not be allowed to use it? Even if you did marry very young, you might have been a child then but you are not a child now. You are an adult and should be treated as an adult, even if he is a lot older than you are. It sounds very lonely. Is there someone in your neighbourhood that you can talk to? A family member or a trusted friend? The mentors on this site that Candice mentioned can also be an excellent resource. I’d encourage you to contact one. You’re not alone in this.
Iris,
The National Domestic Violence Hotline has a lot of information on abuse and what constitutes as abuse. I would check there to see if your treatment lines up to abuse. Another thing you can do is seek help from a marriage counselor, as it sounds like you and your husband are on different pages with expectations. If you would like someone to talk to with confidentiality, Power to Change has mentors who are ready to offer a listening and comforting ear. If you would like to talk to someone today, please click here.
Hey everyone im 33 yrs of age n been married for 19 yrs,hes alot older.and he wants me to get a job but when I do get one he asked me how am I getting there,he doesnt give me money,mind u I cook clean n take care of our three kids..is this abuse?,or is it me..he dont take me out,im in the house 24/7.no sex,cant be on my phone n I have to go to bed when he does.smh
Barb I am glad to see that you did realize that you didn’t have to stay in that very abusive relationship which wasn’t healthy for you or your children. Abusive husbands need help and if they aren’t willing to get that help than it is better for you to get out before you and/or your children get hurt or worse, killed.
GET OUT NOW!!! I just left my controlling husband and I’m not looking back. He was taking over my life–telling me what to wear, what to eat, etc. At first he tried to break down my self-esteem by saying that I had put on weight (I’m 5’10″ and weigh 145 pounds). Then he started to tell me how to dress and how to cut my hair. I was banned from cooking because, according to him, I made too much of a mess. He would demand that the house be cleaned–everyone had to wear socks or slippers so no footprints could mark up the floor. He would steal money from my purse and swear that my memory was failing due to menopause (I’m 41 years old and my doctor said that I’m not showing any signs of menopause). He has cursed at me as well as my children to the point that we’ve all been in tears. I thought things could get better but they only escalated…he started slapping me in the mouth and claimed he was just “playing” around. He has also left horrible bite marks on my stomach and thighs to try to keep me from going to the public pool. I even had to use my previous self-defense training to keep him from choking me out. It didn’t stop there–the yelling and verbal threats were horrifying. This nut even threatened to shoot the family dog between the eyes if he chewed up any more furniture. The stress on the children and me was unbearable.he evn had the audacity to ration out toilet paper-I could have 3 squares while my children could have 1 square apiece. I left him and don’t regret it one minute! Our marriage hasn’t lasted even a year, but I couldn’t bear the thought of exposing my children and myself to any more of his abuse. Find a church, a friend, a family member. You deserve better and remember there are services out there that will help you get through this. Don’t think that you have to put up with any abuse. Controlling husbands are insecure and paranoid. They feed off your fear. Get out while you still can.
Milo there is help. If you are a part of a church you might try talking to your pastor and asking for help there. You may also want to connect with a counselor that would help either you or both you and your husband. If you are feeling threatened you should contact the Women’s shelter in your area. You can find out that information at http://www.shelternet.ca or http://www.thehotline.org/. Here you will find lots of info about abused women and numbers to call if you live in the Canada or the USA. If you live elsewhere you can find similar resources for your own country.
It can be very helpful to have a friend who will support you through all of this. Try talking to one of our online mentors. The Mentor Request Form is at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor.
Let me pray for you: God in heaven, I pray for Milo. Protect her Lord from the damaging impact of her husband’s controlling nature. Set her free by healing his heart. Guide Milo to the best help for her and strengthen her by Your Spirit. Amen.
I think you need to get out. Go online and do some searching (probably best to do this at work so he can’t see your search history). There are probably shelters in your area that will help you get away from him and reestablish your life. You are not alone and there is someone who can help you just keep asking for help.
My HUSBAND CONTROLS MY WHOLE LIFE. what meals I cook, what I wear, what time I should go to be, when I should clean house, who my friends are, has anialited my whole family, screens my phone calls and have turned our children against him. He believes he is doing nothing wrong. The more I stand up to him. The more difficut he becomes. When I constantly agree with his wishes and requests he accuses me of being uninterested in his business and dreams. I am at my witts end. In the last year I have started to drink in order to cope. I know this is wrong. I don’t have the strength to leave. Is there some way to get out of this mess. I feel as though I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. The only time I have any peace is when I am asleep. Pernament sleep seems to be the answer. I know there is no such thing as permnament sleep, except for death, so this is not the answer. Is there any one out there who has experienced this life and has a plan for excape? Contact me if you know a way out of this misery.
Wow Anne! That is an extreme form of control. I can tell that his intimidations are geared to result in the feelings you are describing: no contact with friends, fear of being destitute, and fear of standing up for yourself. That is not a healthy place for you and not a healthy place for him either. It allows him to develop into a hyper-paranoid, angry, bitter man who is unable to respond to other humans in love and genuine care. And the impact it has on you is devastating. The above article by Dr. Gabriel is a good one that has good advice of how to begin to stand up for yourself. I don’t see any mention in your comment that says your husband is physically threatening you but if he is you need to make sure that you protect yourself if you intend to ask that he treat you with more respect. An online resource that you can access is http://www.shelternet.ca or http://www.thehotline.org/. Here you will find lots of info about abused women and numbers to call if you live in the Canada or the USA. If you live elsewhere you can find similar resources for your own country. I would also recommend contacting on of our online mentors: someone who can be a friend to connect with. The Mentor Request Form is at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor.
Lord God, I pray for Anne and her husband. They are in a relationship that is not at all what You have intended. Anne needs Your help to find a way to be free from the oppressive control of her husband. Would You guide her to those who will best be able to help? Would You bring friends into her life who will help support her? Will You make Your love and protection known to her so that she can trust in You to bring freedom? In Jesus’ name, amen.
Ok but what if you can’t leave? My husband controls all of the money period. Though my checks are deposited (he physically comes to my office for me to give him my check)into “Our Account” and I am a signer he deberately does not include my name on the checks. He changed the password to the online banking. He “borrowed” my P.O. Box key and never returned it so I never see the mail before he does. I am not allowed to attend functions without him and he never wants to go with me to anything. On the rare occasion I have done something alone he drills me for details about what I did, who I was with and then ulimately accuses me of cheating on him. So I don’t even bother asking him if I can go do something with a friend, infact I rarely talk to my friends because afterward he accuses me of “Talking shit” about him. He monitors my phone and is the only one with access to the online statement. He checks my numbers and if an unusual one comes up he freaks and demands to know who I am calling. He also counts my texts. HE stays angery at me most of the time and it almost seems like he is searching for a reason to be angry when things have gone smoothly for a while, so I am always walking on eggshells to keep him from being angery. Then sometimes that doesn’t work because he says I’m acting weird and wants to know what I’m hiding. I have no money to leave because he controls it all. I have no family anymore, the few relitives I do have he has ailienated. I’m stuck.
I believe it’s against the law to hit a woman, period. Also, defying someone as controlling as that is very dangerous. Make sure someone else is around, or talk to your pastor or counselor for help first. Change in some way or form is definitely necessary, just make sure you have thought out your plan accordingly so as to minimize possible damage/harm and maximize a cooperative and loving mood when you start trying out your plan. May God bless you!