Comments on: My husband controls my life and I want to leave

By: Brenda Miller

Tue, 15 May 2012 14:54:21 +0000

Thank you for sharing your story with us, Lena. Emotional and verbal control is a form of abuse in marriage, Lena, and I encourage you to watch the following video from Day of Discovery. It is called, “When Love Hurts: Understanding and Healing Domestic Abuse, When Submission is Misused, Part II”:

http://www.helpformylife.org/Products/DOD2050.aspx

Issues of control can lead to physical and other types of abuse in a marriage, Lena, and I encourage you to seek out counselling from a pastor or therapist, and if your husband is not willing to go, to attend sessions on your own to learn how to respond to his attempts to manipulate and control you. It is terrific that you recognize and are able to stand up to your husband at this point in your marriage. If you would like to talk to someone online privately, please fill out the form at the following link, and one of our mentors will respond to you confidentially:

http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/

Lena, I pray your husband comes to see that, as you have stated, you are his wife, and not his child or one of his students, and that he begins to treat you with the appropriate love and respect.

By: Lena

Lena — Sun, 13 May 2012 16:45:33 +0000

My husband isn’t violent or abusive at all, but he is very controlling.

We are about to have dinner with my mom since today is Mother’s Day. I’m wearing a nice skirt with a nice top…the whole outfit is sexy but classy. Just a few minutes ago he started nagging me to change into something else. He was looking through all my clothes trying to find this one particular blouse that I’m not even sure I actually own. I stood firm and told him I had no intention of changing my clothes.

This went on for about 30 minutes. He is controlling when it comes to most things, constantly telling me what to do and when/how to do it. He is 14 years older than me so perhaps the age difference might be part of that. I believe it is also because he controls all the finances, so this control overlaps into other areas.

He is a teacher and sometimes he talks to me like I’m one of his students. I have to remind him often that I’m his wife, not a child.

He tries to control other people as well. When we’re out in public, he constantly criticizes other people for their parenting skills, their looks, and the way they are dressed.

The other night we went to a baseball game and he was just picking on people left and right.

I find it disgusting.

By: Alfred

Fri, 06 Apr 2012 23:08:52 +0000

Dear Pauline,
I am so glad you found this article and responded to it. My heart goes out to you! Counseling for yourself to raise your self-esteem is my first suggestion to help you step up. Maybe you can find counseling service by searching the internet? Do you have access to a telephone when your husband is not home? How far is it to see your family? I know you have to fight to get out, but difficult as that is, that may be your ticket to freedom. Whether they can take you in or not, it will give you confidence to stand up against you husband. Be sure to look for “one-on-one mentoring” on this web site. Let’s pray together:
Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for the way Jesus stood up for the oppressed, the lonely and the broken heart-ed. You know the situation that Pauline is in, and You also have an answer for her. Help her one-step-at-a-time to build her self-esteem, stand up for herself, and find meaning & joy in life. Make a way (for her) where there seems to be no way. Give her the inner strength and determination she needs. She is a beautiful person and needs to be recognized as such! No doubt there is much You want her to do —- as soon as she has the freedom that her heart is longing for. Thank You, Lord, for lifting her up! In the powerful name of Jesus, Amen.

By: Pauline

Pauline — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 12:35:01 +0000

I have been married for five years and this is my 2nd marriage. Iam 59 and have been single before this for 15 years. My husband is controlling and its only in the last 2 years that I have realized what i am up against.To my detriment i have accomodated him in everything he wants and desires.I am isolated and have to fight to see my family.He is content to only see his brotheres and sisters and his married children.I AM DEPENDENT UPON HIM FINANCIALLY and He has also lent money to his oldest son in the amount of 70 thousand dollars without talking to me.He will not allow me to go and see my christian friends in another city who have been like my family and I am now suffering depression and all i want to do is read books ….I`m tired wear and want out but I don`t know how. Iwent to seemy brother which is a 13 hr. drive from where we live because my bro. is dying of cancer and my husband told me not to come back. But alas I came back and its the same old same old.

By: Doris

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 17:51:17 +0000

Makayla I think you missed the point that Alexis was making…she was responding to the name of the article, that is ‘My husband is controlling’. Physical force isn’t right against either gender, male or female, but the reality that the author is addressing in this article is that there are many women out there who are in very controlling relationships and marriages and for a number of different reasons they stay in those relationships.

Khuno, you are right in thinking that your husband wants to control you. I love what the author says above, that ‘You can give your husband the choice of being controlling or of being frustrated. The reason we get frustrated in our lives is that things we want to happen don’t, and we get frustrated. You might stop letting him control you.’ It’s time for you to take responsibility for your life and not allow him to continue to control in every area.

By: khuno

khuno — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 19:18:42 +0000

i think my husband want to control me, he tells me he does not want the haistyle i want to do, he tells me how to drive n im not a good driver.

By: makayla

makayla — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 01:41:39 +0000

No one can ctrl u & honestly I wud divorce him if he was that much of a douchebag… and uhm alexis shut uhp its against the law to hit a woman? But its not to hit a guy? Well thts just stupid y do ppl hav 2 b so sexist girls r not weak I H8 it wen dudes say hahaa u got beat uhp by a girl

By: Doris

Tue, 08 Nov 2011 18:08:42 +0000

Dear Phyllis,
My heart goes out to you. Since he thinks that he loves you I would strongly suggest that you go to a marriage counselor and begin to talk through the issues of control.Obviously his idea of love is very different than yours and you need to be able to communicate that with him.

We also have online mentors who would love to walk alongside of you on your journey. Just fill out this page http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ and a mentor will email you back.

By: Phyllis

Phyllis — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 09:37:06 +0000

We have been married 26 years & have no children. We are both retired. My husband controls the money-his money! My money is from my disability check. When we bought our property, he did not allow me to sign the deed with him. He will buy me anything I want within reason but I am not a “taker”. He does not give me money, but he does pay all the house bills including food. He used to be a manager in a large corporation so anything “he” says or does is the best. He never compliments me, nor is he demonstrative in the emotional feel. We sleep in different rooms on different floors. He can’t understand why I have my own email address & constantly thinks I am hiding something from him–I am not and I will not cheat either! He wants to learn the computer but when I try to teach him, he gets angry with me. When he finally learns something–he is the one who is better at it than me! When I make dinner, he compliments me and then tells me there is a better way to prepare that meal! We go out to lunch/dinner together & he never talks to me…he claims he can’t hear me. (he wears 2 hearing aids) He does not talk to me when we ride in the car & we do not share the same interests. He used to be a photographer when “film” was in & refused to learn a digital camera. However, now he tells me since he
“used”to be a photographer, he is the one who should take all the photos as “I” don’t know what I am doing! I told him I wanted a divorce & then he quietly pleaded “please don’t leave me, I love you”? What? One last thing, aside from sleeping apart, there is NO sex in this marriage. He watches kinky porn in private in the master bedroom which is “his” bedroom! He will not allow me to sleep in the guest bedroom which is next door to his bedroom for fear I might “hear” something through the walls! I sleep in a large room with my cats & do not sleep more than 4-5 hrs a night. However, he never hits me..but I feel that this is emotional blackmail. I’d love your comments! Thanks so much.

By: Claire Colvin

Mon, 12 Sep 2011 17:11:49 +0000

Hi Iris, You must have been very young when you got married to have been married for 19 years already. It’s hard to say for sure if this is abuse from just what you’ve said but it definitely sounds controlling and not very supportive. I agree with Candice’s comment, take a look at the site she linked you to. Are you trapped in the house? You said that he does not take you out, are you able to come and go on your own? I am not sure why you would not be allowed to use the phone. Do he restrict your access to your friends and family? I do not know if your husband is abusive, but one of the things that is very common in abusive situations is isolation. The partner who is more dominant or in control will isolate the other person from anyone who could support them. They do this so that when they start making demands that you are uncomfortable with they can convince you that you don’t have anywhere to go.

Have you talked to him about the phone rules? Has he given you any reason as to why you would not be allowed to use it? Even if you did marry very young, you might have been a child then but you are not a child now. You are an adult and should be treated as an adult, even if he is a lot older than you are. It sounds very lonely. Is there someone in your neighbourhood that you can talk to? A family member or a trusted friend? The mentors on this site that Candice mentioned can also be an excellent resource. I’d encourage you to contact one. You’re not alone in this.