Feeling Grief
Grieving is a unique experience. It’s a process that is as individual as the people it affects. Oh yes, there are predictable stages … but the experience of loosing someone dear to you is truly a very personal journey.
Recently I said goodbye to my dear Dad. It’s hard to believe it was only a couple of months ago. I’ve processed a lot in those few weeks. I’ve felt many different emotions. I see more clearly that the passing of years and the living of life come as a gift to us all. The important thing is not so much that we begin well, nor even the tales of how well we navigate the twists and turns of life. The important thing is that we end well … that those who come behind us find some light on their path because we have lived. We bring nothing into this world and we take nothing with us when we go. But we each leave something behind in a legacy to follow.
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Uncovering my Dad’s legacy
I specifically and intentionally set out to uncover the treasures that have been deposited into my life through my Dad. I wanted to discover just what I was going to specifically take with me, from my Dad, as I walk on now without him. I’ve mined out 4 nuggets of wisdom from the legacy my Dad left. I want to make them part of my daily life, as my treasures from him.
1. HUMOR: Dad loved a good joke, ( and often a corny one!). He was quick witted and could make anyone laugh, immediately putting people at ease.
Humor was important to Dad and many moments were lightened by his sense of humor. Even the Home Care workers would remark how his sense of humor was intact even though he lay paralyzed from the waist down for months.
I remember one worker coming in and asking, “So what do you know tonight, Sir?” Dad quickly replied, “Well, I know more and more about less and less and pretty soon I’ll know everything about nothing.”
As I walk on I take the wisdom of looking on the lighter side of life with me. I see the beauty in seeking to bring a smile to the face of another and the importance of laughing more often, even when life is hard.
2. COURAGE: Dad always took his illnesses in stride; he rarely talked about his health, never complained about it and he just did what he had to do and carried on. His courage as he faced his treatments amazed us over and over. I hope to take that same courage into the challenges of my own life as I journey on. Courage includes finding joy in simple things even in the face of adversity.
3. FAMILY MAN: Dad worked hard. He provided well. They say the greatest thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother. Dad modeled that well. He and Mom enjoyed 63 years of marriage. We are grateful to God for enabling Mom to keep Dad home until his last breath.
I grew up seeing Dad love and honor his wife. Even in these last weeks, often when Mom would walk into his room he’d say, “Isn’t she beautiful!” He truly treasured her. So I take with me that wisdom of treasuring those you love and letting them know it.
As children and grandchildren we are deeply grateful for the heritage of love that Mom and Dad have given us. We want to keep that long line of love growing even longer in a world that is quickly loosing sight of that kind of faithfulness.
4. FAITH: Dad leaves us a heritage of faith. Dad believed in God and accepted Jesus Christ as his personal savior. He was never very verbal about his faith. He didn’t lead Bible studies or pray eloquent prayers, yet his faith was there and he showed it through his generous heart toward missionaries and his many willing acts of service to others. He quietly served for 50 years as the offering counter at church. He was always there to plaster a hole in the church wall or put on a fresh coat of paint.
Faith made a difference in our home as we were growing up and it makes a difference in my life today because of Dad and Mom’s example.
In these last months we would often draw a Bible verse from their verse box at bedtime and read it together and say a night-time prayer. One night when I was there Dad’s simple but profound prayer was this, “Lord, thank you for all the good things You allow in our lives.” His gratitude to God, even as he lay there motionless in his bed, spoke volumes to us.
Keeping these treasures from Dad close at heart will help me as I journey on.
Always remember to keep your sense of humor.
Live courageously even in the face of challenge.
Treasure those you love and let them know it.
Have faith in God.
If you have lost someone you love take the time to mine out a nugget or two that you can identify and embrace and carry close to your heart along with their memories. I found it a helpful way to face the loss, find the treasure and walk on more whole because my Dad lived. I pray it may help you too as you face your loss. God bless you.
I appreciate this article so much for its transparency and openness. You have helped us to realize that God has promised to never leave us or forsake us. Your testimony of mining the treasures your sweet Dad deposited into your life is inspirational. Thank you and God bless.
dear pauline– my sympathy on the loss of your sister, prayer–father God i pray comfort on pauline as she grieves the death of her sister, comfort her and let her feel your loving arms around her at this time, i feel for you my parents in law died not knowing God either tough i am praying for you HUGS love sharon
Pauline, I am so sorry to hear about your sister. I cannot imagine the grief you must be feeling right now. I don’t know what to say so I’ll pray for you instead:
Merciful Father, I pray that You would comfort Pauline today, right now Father. You promise to be with us when we walk through the valley of the shadow of death. Pauline is in that valley right now Father and her heart is breaking. Comfort her as only You can. Give her the peace the passes understanding – the peace the doesn’t make any sense. Draw close to her and draw her close to Yourself and she mourns for her sister. She needs you so much right now Father, be her ever-present hope. In your name I pray, Amen.
My sister died last week…its so hard as she dint know the Lord…..I cant begin to describe the grief….
Gina,
My name is Eric. Thank you for sharing your experience. That is a very difficult thing to do and by seeking advice and help, you are making a very wise choice. Your situation is a difficult one and it would not be proper for me to respond without thorough consideration.
I want to let you know I am here for you, I feel for you, I am thinking about your situation and I am praying for you and your family.
Is this the first time he has told you or have you known for a long time?
What do your conversations look like?
What did you think about the grief counseling book?
How are things now, any different?
Again, thank you for sharing Gina. I look forward to hearing from you and in the meantime I will continue to process all that you have told me.
Regards,
Eric
I am not sure if this is the right place to post about this or not. If it is not, will someone please direct me to the right place? Thank you. If it is the right place, I want to thank you in advance for reading my post and for any advice/ opinions/ thoughts you can offer me. I appreciate any help at all.
I’ve been married 15 years. He is 40. I am 38. He just now confessed he has been thinking about this girl from his past every single day we’ve been together. To be quite frank, he is obsessed about her. They never dated- she was only a good friend who helped him transition into a new high school some 18 years ago. I encouraged him to contact her to resolve these feelings so he did. He found out she is involved with someone and has children. He understands that she and he (husband) will never be. He is still obsessed with her. He says he wants to move forward and has tried some intrusive thoughts exercises but they are not working. We were reading over some things dealing with grief and think that maybe he needs to grieve her. ? He thinks it is “complicated grief”….I am not sure. I know it is not healthy for him nor our marriage and we cannot afford a counselor / therapy right now. Again, I would appreciate any advice/ opinions/ thoughts you can offer me. I appreciate any help at all.
I am so sorry for your loss Pat and thankful that you were able to be ministered to by this article. Isn’t God good to guide us to the pages to read online in our time of need? We do have online mentors who would love to pray for you and walk alongside of you this journey. Just fill out the form on this page and someone will email you. http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
Satorie,my heart goes out to you as you have carried this grief with you these many years. What a blessing that you have a personal relationship with God and that He has given you a family in place of the one you lost. If you would like to have an online mentor you too could just fill out the information on this page, http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ May God bless you as you seek to serve Him.
I beleive I feel grief be for the bad news. When I was a little girl at the age of eight I was living in a new town so our family could get a new start. Only problem is my parent kept doing the same bad habits that got them into trouble in the first place. Drinking and fighting was the norm in my childhood.
It was the last fight I witnessed that drove me out of the house for good. The night before my stepdad came home drunk and yelling at my brother to get his “blanking” sister out and don’t “blanking” comeback. We left at about 2am walking the streets and found our way to our aunt’s house, she was our Stepdads sister. She kept us that night and made arrangements for mom to pick us up the next day. Mom showed up and the last wordy my aunt said was feed the kids first before you talk to him… meaning our step dad.
When we arrived home she bolted back up the stairs and the fight was on. Still standing at the basement door I watched at my brother started to play in his room. My room was up stairs and there was no way I was returning there. Usually if I did I got a beating. I watched my brother for a while wondering that to do. I sure was not staying and thought about him and the night before, he came and got me, I turned around and left thinking I would get caught if he was with me.
To this day I regret not taking him with me. I don’t know my brother any more. Alcohal has taken him and he hates me and God. There was a window of four years where he was in prison and sober that he reached out and did tell me he wanted my life of family and kids. I told him he had to give up the bottle and get God.
It is now 2011, five years and counting and I have not heard from him. I expect one day to have the cops at my door to tell me he is dead. Would that day when I was a child have made a difference? Only God knows. I’m sorry I let ifI let you down Lord.
I long for a family that is close and cares but know now that it is only God, me my hubby and two kids…thank God for church family or I would not have any.
I have appreciated reading this article on grief by Gail.I feel like my heart, body and soul are going through more grief this week since my dad died July 8, 2011. He couldn’t talk at the end & it was sad to see his mouth move with no voice. I tenderly loved him through words & warming his hands & doing what I could. I had 3 visits with him before he died because I had flown in from another state. God knows my pain but I believe he is in heaven; it was something private he wouldn’t discuss with me, just my brother. My heart is heavy & I just ask for strength to carry on. I know it is God Who will provide it. Thank you for accepting this.