I am dating a former alcoholic

One year ago in August I lost my husband to a heart attack. I had no desire to date or even to get involved with anyone. I have 2 children (girls) ages 12 and 17, and a home based business of my own. My computer was struck by lighting and in the process of getting it fixed, I met a technician. We have been dating ever since and have really started caring about each other a lot. He is great with my girls and has no children of his own. He told me he is an alcoholic and has been sober for 7 years which is great. He is very faithful with his fellowship with AA and even sponsors three others. I’m just concerned that I may not totally understand where he’s coming from. I want to know more about alcoholics and their relationships with their families.

Advice: It sounds as though you have found a great guy. Yes, you need to know more about AA.

It is a great organization. Go to your bookstore and look in the recovery section. Pick out books about how alcoholism affects the family, adult children of alcoholics, etc. See if you can find the video, Stuart Saves His Family. There are others out there, also. Go to meetings with this guy. Go to Alanon meetings. He will help you find the meetings, time, etc. Anyone who is committed to helping others can’t be too bad. If he had a family he would limit himself to sponsoring fewer people, and we personally think he should never sponsor a woman.

You should also pick up the book, Codependent No More and Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie. Understand your own codependent issues. Most of us are codependent to some degree, but understanding the dysfunction is part of the cure. Have you talked about spiritual matters? Your understanding of the alcoholic is simply a matter of education on your part and that only takes time. A bigger potential wedge would be your agreement on who God is and how you want to worship Him. An alcoholic with 7 years recovery is probably a good guy, though we still recommend pre-engagement counselling. The difference between a good marriage and a bad one, is that people in a good marriage work harder at it.