How can I get over a heart ache?

Written by Dr. Ginger Gabriel, Ph.D., M.F.T

heartacheHow do you get over a heart ache? I know they say time heals all wounds but who needs time when you’re heart broken? How do you get over an ex- boyfriend when you have to face him practically everyday? It just hurts to see a love that was once there but is not there now. We used to be so close and now we’re practically like strangers.

Advice: How long were you and this guy going together? It is important to know that you are in a grieving process. Some people make closer attachments than others and these are harder to break off. It is also true that the more physically intimate you are with another, the harder it is to break off. I’m pretty sure that is the main reason why the Bible says not to have intercourse or heavy petting until you are married. I don’t know how close the two of you got, but it sounds as though you are now going through a difficult time.

My suggestion is to find some activities to think about and get excited about. This year I had something kind of similar take place so I joined a gym and have begun to work out. I was amazed how many acquaintances also worked out at the gym. I have made some closer friends. I also joined Toastmasters and am developing my speaking skills (meeting new people) and I got a kayak (we have a lake nearby). These things have helped be avoid compulsively thinking about a painful situation. You also could watch all the old Jane Austin movies. Fill your odd time with old movies. You will get used to seeing unrequited love. Its called flooding. You may get a different perspective on your ex. That would be one way of handling it. Have you read Changes That Heal by Henry Cloud? This book is great at giving good information and new perspectives.

Dr. Ginger

devo-interact-icon-42x42Do you struggle with the deep darkness of depression and find yourself without hope? Talk to us.

EmailPrint

269 Responses to “How can I get over a heart ache?”

  • carla says:

    I’ve been asking myself for too long weather I made the right choice of leaving my boyfriend or not. All he showed to me was pleasant and he never did anything to hurt me.The problems started when his family prefers someone who had a good standing in life and has a good family background for him. Actually it was his ex-girlfriend.I can’t blame his family, either I would think the same if I were in their shoe. It hurts to see that he did nothing about it. He never fight for me. I want our relationship to last but I’m not martyr not to see what his doing. I’m a girl, there is no way for me to chase him. I love him. Please I need you advice

  • Sharon Sharon says:

    good article and good comments coming out of this article

  • kaleya j says:

    I have been with my husband for 9 years, we had to part due to violence. I was not ready as much as it sound stupid but I believed in the marriage. Its now 7 months, it was hard to not be able to hold him, but it got better. I decided to go to church and just rebuild my life. And then I see him there what a surprise. So many emotions running through my head so now I have to start over with the healing process. And then I cant go back to church because he goes there. The thought of seeing him with someone else will hurt even more. I understand what you all are going through. Its a process, emotional ups and down. This too shall pass.

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    Dear Father God.

    Lord I lift up anyone who is going through a heart ache in there lives. I pray that you will heal and comfort them in this time of need from You. In Jesus Mighty name Amen

  • mac2life says:

    I want to thank you all for your help and comments. OMOLARA, your words really opened my eyes….thank you for all.

    thank you.

  • Same boat says:

    Thank you to Anthony hurt and Camili, I love your comments and really want to thank you for your wonderful comments, taking some of your advices =-).

    To Mrs. M, you have done nothing wrong. Be yourself and keep trying to do everything right not only for him/or anyone else, but for yourself. You are the only person who can love yourself the way you want it to be so that is why you need to do EVERYTHING for you. It’s been 5 months after my last post and it still feels like yesterday, but I’m so much better now, I’ve beginning to love myself much more now.

  • Mrs. M says:

    How do I deal with a cheating husband? He moved out 4 months ago and is already seeing a child to him she is almost 35 years younger than he is. I just found out that he spent Valentine’s with her and took her out of town to meet his family. We have been together 11 years and married 3. I am so very hurt. I did all the right things I thought I pray & fasted before I married him asking Gods will. I have an ex- husband for the very same reason cheating. My now husband knows what I went through with my ex now here I go again. I don’t understand what I am doing wrong. Even after my husband moved out I prayed, fasted and even gave a seed faith offering and ask God to move and so far everything that I did not what to happen has. So I want to know is it me? What I am doing wrong? I have done EVERYTHING I was told that God said do the best I could and so far it as not work out. I love my husband very much and I want Gods will in my life but I am tired of the hurt. My faith is so weak right now. I see others that are married and doing fine and never go to church do not even talk about God or anything been happy for years. That is all I want is a happy marriage and live for the Lord is that too much to ask? Should I still hold on for my marriage or give up?

  • Camili says:

    Something to keep the light on inside when it hurts so much. I can see many people here have some BIG hurt to recover from. Love is never simple because it is always changing. Remember that the person you love who has hurt you, is the person you know best. You know that the love that they have found now will also change…. Don’t compare yourself. you are still beautiful and you need to see that you are strong. Treat yourself kindly, give yourself some time to take care of yourself, do some things your always wanted to do. Almost like a bucket list. Get to know who you are without the other person.

    What they left behind, will be someone that another person will love and want very much… So please look after that. It’s a painful time but someone needs you… You’ll see who they are in your family. Someone will come into your world again and the best thing you can do for them is to look after yourself. Hold your head up, cry it out and then just believe.

    Gods plan and desire is that you are happy. This will come…

    Xo

  • Michael Jantzen M. Jantzen says:

    Hello Anthony Hurt, from reading your story I could sense your pain. You have clearly been dealt a blow. But I also sensed your hope. You are making it through the grieving process in a healthy way and not letting this blow cripple you forever. You might also want to read our article called “Life After Divorce: Now What?” http://powertochange.com/experience/sex-love/divorce/ Plus, if you’re finding yourself running into stumbling blocks during the healing process, you may want to connect with one of our confidential online mentors. We would connect you with someone who has experience helping people who’ve gone through similar things. Here’s the link: http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ Take care.

  • Anthony Hurt says:

    Jan,29, 2014
    I never thought I would ever go through the painful break that i have seen so many go through.Finally out of nowhere i was dropped a bomb right before me. when I thought all was well, she told me we are over..at first it was a like a dream, but when she told me she is seeing someone else,it became real and forever gut torturing pain.Pain that just wont leave me;panic attacks,no sleep, no eat, no life. All i can think of is her and him doing what we did. At times i compared myself to/ with him which only made my pain more intense. What he had was more than I. How in the hell could this be, yesterday was great,fun, laughter,Casinos, no signs of ever detaching. The love i felt, the intimacy all over the house and now, not a sign that she we ever exited. For sure the pain is here and now and the worst i ever felt. Not even shrapnel on my back could cover the pain i feel day in and day out throughout my mind and body. Today with courage, I learned the The Serenity Prayer…I will never change her, but I have all the tools to change me. She opened my heart without knowing it, I realized i had much to be grateful for including her. She is the best tool for my greatest change. I miss her, but I am grateful I still have me and that she is alive and happy, Amen

  • Doris Beck D. Beck says:

    Thank you for that suggestion Lyn!

  • Lyn says:

    I found EXaholics.com to be a great resource. Very supportive community of people going through the same thing.

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    Dear Father God.

    Lord I lift up my sister/brother to You at this time in there life, that You will comfort them and help them in there time of need. In Jesus Mighty name Amen

  • omolara says:

    Emotional injury are worse than death.To love and fall in love are two different things.To fall in love is a feeling of warmth and ectasy,bottom line is all about yourself.To love is mature acceptance of imperfection,care,sacrifice,it is a decision to give your care,strength and weakness.Emotional injury can be caused by betrayal,rejection and loss.healing an emotional injury is different from getting over it.people deceive theirselves,by engaging in activities(external) that divert their attention.That is wrong!you may be hurt deeply and get over it,after 10 years,you see something or someone that reminds you of the event,you heart starts aching.Not everyone are the same,friends may deceive you saying”stop crying,lets chill out”,you know yourself,deep inside you there is an injury.The steps are useful for healing:
    1)Accept you have been hurt,know how you feel,tell it out,write it out,measure your heart
    2)I am a christian,the word of God is life,it pierces true all wounds.Study your holy book,pray to God,pour out your sorrow to him,tell him,he love you so much,and is always ready to help
    3)acknowledge that everything happens for a reason.There is an advantage to this event
    4)console yourself by hearing others plight
    5)give out love
    6)do not bottle up grief,cry and cry,do not avoid it
    7)do not ever compare saying”but emeli is happily married,why not me?”.You are You,you are not emeli!the saddest people on earth,compare theirselves with others,you are unique of God creation.
    My name is omolara,am 15 years old,just know i love you very much,and you are worth dying for…muaah

  • Alfred Alfred says:

    Alfred says:
    I believe that time does not heal any wounds —– unless, during that time, someone is doing something about it. Dr. G. Gabriel makes some very good points, guiding hurting souls to recover from heartache! A friend of mine who suffers from extreme traumatic stress, likes to read, as that gives him someone else’s worries to think about (rather than his own). Diversion is good therapy.
    Dear “Heartbroken” and “Same Boat”, God did not say that He would help us avoid all troubles and pains, but he said He’d help us through them! I have to think of the shepherd who has his flock of sheep in an upland pasture. There is even better grazing in a pasture that is still higher up, but there is a mountain stream separating him form that greener pasture. To get there he has to take his flock through that valley. It is a dangerous territory, but that is where the fresh water flows. The sheep follow their Shepherd, for they trust him and know that he will see them through. They climb up out of that valley, strengthened and full of new hope and courage, for they made it through the valley.
    Come, hurting soul, trust the Good Shepherd to see you through, drink deeply from the Water of Life, and climb up to the greener pastures waiting for you. Mind you, with that may also come greater responsibilities, but God will never ask us to do more than what He knows we can handle (with His help). Remember, the Holy Spirit is your Guide, Comforter and Friend. When you look in the mirror each morning, tell yourself that you have much to be thankful for and much to look forward to. Blessings!

  • ALEI says:

    so much hurt.!! were almost3 yrs with 1 kid, my parents doesnt want him, in 3 yrs we face many trials, he confront me that he was tired about our family problem in my side, he loves me so much and i know it, i just realized that he has friend who he cried on shoulder, they had a sex, i was so hurt when i knew it, and i confront him, and it was true, he cried and say sorry, but everything change between me & I after that happen, and he confront me that he loves that the girl, i washurt, and i realized its time to letting him go, i hope i will more stronger for my 1 yr old son, i cried more!! i can get over. i still love him and i still do, and he said that he still love me but the whole world was agaisnt US ever since!

  • Same boat says:

    Heartbroken, I know how you feel, I’ve just ended my 10 years of relationship with my ex and i’m so hurt too, but what I realized was that at least it is better to know now than later. I’m sorry for your lost and I know how you feel. It’s very painful and I don’t wish this upon anyone. Lately, I’ve been going to the gym and it has helped me alot. You should too, and think about it, your health is the most important thing that you should keep up to date. I know that it’s harder than what u and I think, but there’s really nothing we can do but to move on. Improve yourself and create the best of you, you will ever create. Happiness comes to those who becomes wiser and smarter. Wish you the best and I hope I will get through this as well. Good Luck.

  • heartbroken says:

    I never thought i would experience heart ache. My fiancee recently left me for some other guy. We have been involved with each other for almost 12 years, next year June was going to be our marriage. 2 months ago we had an argument, it was just like all the previous arguments we have had, but then she came up to me and said she did not to marry because she loved someone else. When I heard this I was destroyed. We have been together since childhood, almost 12 years and now that we were about to be married, she fell in love with someone else in just 3 months? I cant eat, cant sleep. It is as if I have a big rock crushing my heart. I don’t know when this hurt will end. I am a guy and I dont cry ever but recently I have been crying unintentionally. it is so painful

  • Michael Jantzen Michael Jantzen says:

    Maria Lopez,

    Thank you for sharing about your struggle to detach yourself from that man at work. You mentioned that you cried to the Lord and begged to get over him. Sex (even when people just call it ‘casual’ or ‘friends with benefits’) always creates an emotional bind to a person. This can last for years.

    I would encourage you to make use of one of our confidential online mentors. Talking it out could help you make the right decisions to detach every emotional and psychological cord that still binds you to that relationship. And sometimes we need help to cry out to the Lord together. One of our confidential mentors would love to pray for you through this painful process. Just click here: http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/

    Thank you.

Leave a Reply