How can I get over a heart ache?
How do you get over a heart ache? I know they say time heals all wounds but who needs time when you’re heart broken? How do you get over an ex- boyfriend when you have to face him practically everyday? It just hurts to see a love that was once there but is not there now. We used to be so close and now we’re practically like strangers.
Advice: How long were you and this guy going together? It is important to know that you are in a grieving process. Some people make closer attachments than others and these are harder to break off. It is also true that the more physically familiar you are to another, the harder it is to break off. I’m pretty sure that is the main reason why the Bible says not to have intercourse or heavy petting until you are married. I don’t know how close the two of you got, but it sounds as though you are now going through a difficult time.
Does your relationship need help?: Talk to a mentor
Do you want to start over?: Facing the future after a major loss
Dr. Ginger
Do you struggle with the deep darkness of depression and find yourself without hope? Talk to us.
So Jack, what do you think happened in that moment? Why did things change for you?
When my marriage of 20 years broke up I felt my life had ended. The pain of a heartache is the most awful feeling of despair and literally you feel like you are dying.
For weeks I couldn’t read a newspaper or watch TV, day in and day out I prayed to God to take the pain away but to no avail. I had trouble going to work and would cry continually and thought if this pain doesn’t stop I’m going to die.
About a month had passed when I came home from work one evening and decided this has to end, I went to my bedroom and started screaming, cursing and swearing at what was happening in my life. This went on for a good 10 minutes when all of a sudden it felt like a switch flipped, all of a sudden I felt relief and knew at that instant that the pain had left. That was the first night I was able to go to bed and sleep all night without waking up, the next morning I woke up and had the most beautiful feeling of serenity, from that day on my life started to change to a new me. A few weeks later I met a lovely lady and we had a great time together for 5 years. We eventually drifted apart but I still find life is wonderful
That is good news R.D.W. Healing relationships takses time so I appreciate your patience with your friend.
@Jamie i’m happy to say that my friend has begun to speak to me again. She did say though that it will be some time before she can trust me again and I can accept that. Only thing is she has found another and yet she still calls me or comes over for the dumbest things. I don’t know what to make of it nor do I wish to try. I’ve learned to be patien and respectful to her and for now that’s enough. I do hope we can recindle our relationship one day. But if not, i’m ok with that as. I just grateful that she found it in her heart to forgive me.I truly do love her and she knows it.
I tryied to write about my story… But i feel that no matter what I`ll write down- our heart aches are all the same. I am only 22 and from my experience i can tell that if the person really loves she/he will come back.
BUT if IT HAS TO BE OVER – it will be – BECAUSE THIS IS THE WAY LIFE AND DESTINY GOES!
ACCEPT it and go further!
Only advice i can give even though i cry rivers to the sea each night and morning but i try my best to keep it to myself at home and keep busy during the day!
GOod luck for you all and your hearts whom are reading this.
So how would you have done things differently in your marriage Ferndog? Have you identified some of the ways that you will guard yourself in the future to avoid the problems you faced in your marriage?
That must be a little awkward for your sister to still work with your former wife. How does she handle that?
Jamie
Yes
I believe she wanted more attention/affection. She wanted to feel more loved. Although I am a great person, I did have my flaws . I was depressed and I retreated in my own shell and didn’t know it. She was the bread winner and her life was in order. I still needed to accomplish things and get to a better place. So yes I am honest. She had a lot to offer and I think I didn’t love her when in reality I just didn’t love myself. But I do now ;)
I am in a better place. I do miss her and I do card for her but even with who I was, I know I did not deserve how I was let go :(
Of course there is a lot more to the story but that’s just to sum it up.
As far as anything else, well I don’t talk to her. She works with my sister but my ex is never a topic of conversation. I also cut all contact with mutual friends because I think it’s better go my health and function.
I am not angry because I know that only damages me . So I just focus on being a better person .
And it’s working. I’m no longer depressed after constant focus. And I’m proud of myself and my future goals.
I guess when things like this happen some choose just to focus and blame the other person. I choose to focus on my faults and actually fix them. I have fernie power and thats a good thing ;)
@Jamie Thank you for your kind words of wisdom. I’ve already accepted the fact that we may never be friends again. Unlike most men, I don’t miss the lover, I miss the friend. As far as being there for her that’s a given, with no strings attached.Again thank you very much.
Hi R.D.W., friendship is built on trust and if you are going to win her friendship back you will need to prove your trustworthiness. She needs to know that you are not going to pressure a relationship nor get nasty if she does not respond the way you want. You can show her acts of kindness and consideration but not overwhelm her nor give any indication that those have strings attached at all.
And I guess with all that, you need to be willing to accept that she may not respond. I know that is a hard thing to accept but it is a reality that you have no control over nor any right to demand otherwise. If she does not want to have a friendship with you there is little that you can do to change her mind.
I was a relationship with my neighbor for about 6months. I fell in love with her. We spent everyday and night together. When I told I was in love with her she would say she loved me also. I would do anything for her, till this day. She finally told me that she didn’t love me like I loved her. She said she felt forced into saying it . How do you force someone into saying they love you? She said I love you but i’m not in love with you. I lost my previous girl friend of 17yrs to cancer 3months prior to moving in next door to her. The next few months have been lonely andhard. All I do is think about her and I hate it. I’ve said some very hurtful things to her just recently and regret every bit of it. I’ve tryed apologising , but it does no good. I’m 9yrs older than her and she didn’t care , she said she enjoyed being with me. All I want to know is how do I get my friend back? I see her privious boyfriend coming and going and it hurts like hell. Sad thing about all of this is she has nothing to offer me. She has a kind heart and yet I still love her.
What a great perspective Ferndog. There is something very special about love, affection and intimacy that should be saved for the person we have committed to remain true to.
So if you don’t mind me asking, what was your wife’s concern about you as her husband? Have you had the opportunity to assess what part was true and what part was her issues?
If you want to try to move on and you weren’t given closure and it’s driving you insane…Why???
Just remember this: If a person cares for you they’ll make time…You should never have to beg for what you deserve.
If they won’t tell you, won’t talk to you, treat you badly out of the blue then they never really cared for you…Doesn’t matter if you were married, had kids none of that…Think of the sweet times and mentally thank them and move on.
The person you remember is gone…She/he doesn’t remember the things you do and may have a different perspective or is just ignoring what once was…Either way you can’t force them to care or show you love/respect it has to come natrually.
Some people hang around…I tend to walk away with the hopes that they one day come back to me…So far all but two have come back not to be with me but to appoligize and at least I have that since I had already moved on.
Closure hurts because it might not be what we want to hear but at least buries the issue…Many of us have hurt others and I hope that we all reflect and even though we’re hurting for what someone is doing to us now…We take the chance and give closure to any we hurt along the way.
Sometimes it’s all Karma.
So my wife. Which I’ve known for 20 years (13 dating and 7 married) ( she was my first and only girlfriend at 15 I am now 36). Asked me to move out cause she needed space for a few days. Then sent me an email for divorce. I was devastated, concussed and heart broken. My phone calls remained unanswered . My emails no answer. I even wrote letters for one year straight without missing one day. then I just realized her love was simply not real for me. And I needed more. Till this day I have not kissed another person and it’s been a year and a half since that day. Some think it’s because I still love her, an that part may be true but that’s not the reason.
The truth is ……. I just don’t waste kisses on anyone. My love is special and faithful and my next girlfriend should be as special to me to deserve faithful lips.
@Jill- Short personal story since we all like to wallow in pity sometimes…I was in love with a college girl…We dated, traveled, I pampered her and loved her very much but she was young and into the party scene…I had bartended and hated the whole drinking and wasting time thing but I figured that she would see what I offered her over just superficial fun that disappears quickly.
Duh…Ask me how that worked out for me?…But I did the right thing explained it to her and left and never bugged her…BUT I thought about her non-stop for a year…Finally I wrote her to tell her that I missed her very much…She then proceeded to tell me that she had no interest in talking to me and basically told me to go away…After I had taken care of her many many times…I was shocked…She wouldn’t explain why and so I had to swallow my pride.
I hit the gym, changed jobs, cars, style, travelled butt she is still to this day on my mind no matter what…But sometimes people are just rude and you can’t ask or beg for closure…They have to want to give it to you.
Saw her a year ago and as usual she was gorgeous and as usual her life had return to drama…That’s how some people like to live and there is nothing you can do…You have to mentally thank them fror the sweetness they gave you when you were together and find someone better and I did…BUt not going to lie took me 3 years to not wake up filled with sadness BUT it did make me stonger than I was.
Hi Jill-Let us take to God in prayer for your concern.
Dear Father God-I love you Lord and want to do what is right in Your sight, but I am really down and need You to help me deal with my loss as You can see. Lord I pray for my sister Jill that You will bring her to yourside and help her forget the past,as I know it is not easy to do. god i pray that you will surround her with Your love, like a mother comforts a child. In jesus
So much support and love shown here, thank you good people of Christ.
My wife of 25 years has been withdrawing for years and we have now separated. I have left the town I loved, home, pets, belonging and her, I’ve pretty much lost everything. My parents are elderly, Mom took and fall and I need to live with them as a care-giver. My son was arrested for marijuana procession weeks before he was to enter Officer Candidate School, and now I have a few medical issues. This my friends is a STORM. So what do we do when we cry out to Jesus and it seems he does not hear us? What do we do when the pain is so great we are curled up on the floor in tears? Don’t you just want to scream when yet another person says “there is a blessing just around the corner”. The corner, the corner! I can barely put one foot in front of the other let alone make it to the corner. Yet even though I am angry at God, wondering why I must be so broken, why another burden is heaped on my shoulders, why the “blessing” is taking so long, I still crawl out of bed every morning and praise God. I see so many good people in pain, experiencing great difficulties these days. Perhaps God is honing our armor for the difficult times ahead. So here with all you as my witness I proclaim that even if the storm gets stronger I WILL NOT LOSE FAITH. I KNOW JESUS CHRIST LOVES ME, I WOULD IF NEED BE LAY MY LIFE DOWN FOR HIM. Hang on to faith my friends, hang on to love, real the, the love of our Lord Jesus! God bless you all.
My boyfriend broke up with by not talking to me, ignoring my phone calls and texts. This has driven me seriously crazy. I cannot breath and slipped ino a dip depression. The only thing he has said to me is that I liked him more than he liked me, which i cannot understand. I am struggling and seriously felt my heart break. I don’t understand why he won’t talk to me because I cannot move forward.
Hey Sassy, Well-DONE!!
I am glad that you at least took a START. Really glad to know that.
My only concern, is that you seem to be still looking for answers. Just DON’T!!
The more you seek the answers the more will you be drawn into the darkness of the memories. And, if that happens, then you may never be able to get him and the pain he caused you out of your mind; which in turn would affect your mental peace.
So a suggestion – do not expect anything from him, do not expect any answers from him. Just let go. If he wishes to open up, then that’s his choice, do not look for answers, else in ignorance, you may end up being hurt.
I am sure you are doing great and you will do better in the days to come. I shall pray that you keep smiling.
God Bless & Best Regards,
S.A.M.
Well honestly at this point get him out of jail for two reasons:
1. He might appreciate it and if not will show you what he really is like
2. If you don’t he’ll make you as miserable as he can if you decide to leave
He honestly sounds like he has many issues that you’re not mentioning if he’s in jail…But why not try Claire’s and my advice at the same time…Help him but start preparing to leave just in case…Don’t mention it since by the way you told your story he seems short fused…Whatever happens don’t get trapped…You can only help those that want to be helped.
Hi Claire and Noodles – once again I would like to thank you both for your time and effort. But here I am again looking for some advice. As I’ve said last time me and my husband are not in good terms due to verbally abused. We never talked for more than a week now, but just last night, I saw my phone with one missed call (from him). I never make a call back, until I got a call from a friend of mine says that my husband was on jail.. the policemen took him from work and brought to jail.. this ain’t no relation to our differences right now. And since I have told my friend the reason why we are not in good terms, he advised me to forget everything what my husband did to me and instead give him more comfort, care and love, like pretend that nothing happened. I don’t really know if I’m going to do his advice,, this is not easy for me as I’ve been hurt so so much! What do I need to do?
Noodles123, I think what I took exception to was that it sounded like you were suggesting divorce as the very first thing a person should do. There definitely are some relationships where it is simply impossible to be together but I do believe that as a society we tend to give in too easily. It’s interesting that you said, “I’m a big believer in that it should come naturally.” I think that that is a very common belief – that if love is real it’s easy and natural – but I think that’s actually a very dangerous view of love.
Love, especially marriage or a long term relationship, is always going to be work. The only love that is easy all the time is the kind the artists at Disney draw in stories for children. If you’re going to share your life with someone it’s going to take work. It takes work to make sure you don’t take each other for granted. It takes work to make decisions together, to manage your money together, to figure out how you’re going to deal with your families together, to raise children together etc etc. Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s bad.
Perhaps you are cheerful and thoughtful and generous and complimentary and well rested at all times. I am not. I have days when I am grumpy and inconsiderate. There are times when I make dumb choices, or forget to do something I said I would. On those days I am harder to live with. On those days it is a choice for the other person to speak up and it’s a choice for me to say, “You’re right, that was uncalled for and I’m sorry.” There is a huge difference between a bad day and years of misery and I am not suggesting that what you experienced could have been solved with a simple “I’m sorry” but I do think that all people are work, no matter how much you love them. If you set the bar for good love at “is easy and natural” I think you stand the risk of missing out on love altogether. People are messy.
We’ve talked a lot about experiences with counselling. I do believe that you have seen unhappy counselling participants, but I hope you can also believe that I have seen people who have benefitted enormously from counselling and marriages that have thrived because of it. I do think that we often wait far too long to seek out counselling but anytime someone suggests that therapy is a waste of time I’m going to speak out against that.
@Claire decent article and I agree with the points but life is never just black and white there are also many shades of gray inbetween…Obviously I am not highly religious but I respect how this site supports relationships in crises…BUT…I read many of these different sections and the reoccuring theme is broken people who have stayed for years and DECADES in bad relationships…Who have prayed, tried to talk, tried to get couseling with zero results…I am NOT a pessismist but no where in the bible does it say God wants us to not only lose our soul, our self worth or our sweetness and stay in an unhappy marriage…I say try hard but a time frame or a set of expectations should be set otherwise it’s time to go!
I stand by my theory that couseling works but when it does I usually see some rather sad looking people talking about how it’s been X amount of time and they’ve grown and are taking it one day at a time etc etc but they seem sad…There is none of that sweetness and happiness…They basically got over the problem and have learned to live in a better way but seemingly boring way as to not disrupt each other’s live’s…Breathing but not living is the best way to explain it.
Ever been in love Claire?…That your heart smiles when you see the person? That you get horny at their touch, that their scent makes you dream and their voice brings sparkles to your eyes?…I don’t get any sense of that from the ones who go through couseling…I’m sure there’s exceptions but I’ve dicovered that it either works or you can make it work but it takes constant effort…I’m a big believer in that it should come natrually.
I don’t want to see single parents struggling, kids confused and father’s cursing at their ex wives…But a line in the sand does have to be drawn…Otherwise one day you’re 40 and you wasted your youth and spirit on some loser or woman who didn’t deserve what you gave them.
God does not want his people trapped in a loveless, sexless, or unhealthy love…That’s where you and I differentiate…Divorce is not to be taken lightly but I have seen so many women NOT prepare and get left penniless for not preparing…Doesn’t hurt to prepare beats better than not only being sad but not knowing how and where they’ll live and feed themselves…Ask your readers I’ve read enough stories here to know this is occuring at an astronomical rate here in the US.
Noodles123, I completely disagree with this statement, “When a home becomes toxic…All you can do is leave.” When a home becomes toxic you have to address the issue but there are a LOT of things that can happen before it’s time to walk out the door. You speak of breaking apart a family as if it were a simple as deciding to sell your house. Divorce is an incredibly painful, hard, expensive and lonely road and I would never encourage anyone to consider it until every other avenue runs out.
Where there is physical danger in the home, safety is the first priority. But that’s not the case here. Yes, verbal abuse is abuse and it shouldn’t be minimized but suggesting that the only option for Rach is divorce is shortsighted. Counselling first. Preferably together, but if he won’t go she can learn a lot by going on her own. Going on to suggest that her husband may be cheating on her is unnecessary and cruel. Why put that thought in her head? I know that you have a negative view of counselling, we’ve discussed that here before, but counselling can and does work. It doesn’t fix everything for everyone every time, neither does penicillin but it’s still the best thing to try first.
You say that, “This whole forgive and forget thing is ridiculous”, I wonder if you’re misinterpreting it? The forget part is not about pretending that it never happened, it’s not even about treating the other person exactly the same way as if the bad thing never happened. Rather, the forget is about letting it go. It’s making the bad thing not be the very first thing you think of anytime you see that person. It’s about working through and letting go of the anger. Sometimes it means that you have to reset the boundary you had with that person. Sometimes it means that people can no longer be together. But forgiveness is a necessary part of mental health – for the sake of the forgiver, not the forgive. There’s a great article on the topic here.
Rach-Start researching getting aid, getting divorced, getting a restraining order, getting child support etc….Get in shape, get rid of useless things, get a job, go to school, change your style and start prepping to leave him…Wait and see if he changes if you’re not strong yet but seriously for your kids start prepping.
Otherwise, who knows he may have someone and leave you with nothing and not prepared…Think for your children…When a home becomes toxic…All you can do is leave…This whole forgive and forget thing is ridiculous…EVERY couple that I’ve ever seen who does couseling looks sad…They say the right thing but you can sense the hurt…I have had my heart broken and cut all contact with that person because otherwise you die a million deaths from a thousand cuts.
With children it’s way more difficult but you have to pray for the best but prepare for the worst.
@noodles123 – thank you so much indeed for your suggestion.. I clearly saw your point. I hope and pray GOD to give me more strength and be able to fight for life, not only for me but for my children. Im on the deep sorrow! may all these pains and sorrow sweeps away..
Seriously what is wrong with you women???…If a man is cursing at you, beating you, belittling you, cheating on you and flaunting it or getting angry when you try to talk about it…What’s the issue?…It’s time to go and get divorced…Get the kids, get out, get a restraining order, get his checks garnished, get a job or go to school.
Prayer is nice, couseling is nice but at that point you’re playing the fool…Just because you married the DB doesn’t mean you have to put up with it…Because if you do he’ll actually hate yu for being so weak.
Walk away…Fast and far because until THAT person hits bottom he’ll just keep on doing it…Or if he’s doing it he has massive issues that you do NOT have to help him with…After awhile I don’t feel bad for victims that stay with their abusive husbands or BFs because “They love them so much.”
Respect comes from earning it…Any man who does these things doesn’t deserve it…Walk away or get played for a fool.
ALSO…Sometimes women only see one reality…I was with a beautiful Korean girl who talked how great a GF she was and what a great cook she was yadda yadda yadda for 2 months as I took her out, wined and dined her…Finally I asked “So when is this wonderful girlfriend you speak of going to cook once for me?” Her mouth dropped…Next day she cooked me a steak dinner…But until I mentioned it she never saw the reality.
Has happened more than once where women don’t see how they are partly to blame but here on this site we only see one side…I have a Brother in law, who cooks cleans, works, pays all the bills and is an amazing husband/father…His wife doesn’t work, clean. cook…She spends his money and since she’s back in school after picking up a useless degree she drops off the kids at the mother in laws house 8am-4pm…If he left her I can promise she’ll play the victim how she was a great wife and mother and can’t understand WHY?
So the moral of the story is:
1. Check to see if things are as you think
2. If the man/woman is abusive it’s time to go…Staying usually means more misery
@Claire Colvin- thanks heaps for your suggestion. He does not willing to go for a counseling.. as he have his own perception. He’s becoming more and more angrier I guess. And just recently he have threw a dirty finger on me, and murmured “*f&*K Y@u”, I just dont understand the fact that if he made this because he does not love me anymore then why he’s not telling me? Though his treating me like other. Please advice
Hi Rach, It doesn’t necessarily mean that he doesn’t love you, but it does mean that he has a communication issue to deal with. Have you ever considered seeing a marriage counsellor to help you both work through this? Has your husband always spoken to you this way or is this a recent development? Is he more stressed or angrier than usual? If so, that does NOT excuse him speaking to you like that, but it could be that his stress is spilling over onto you (in which case he’s going to need to find a healthier way to deal with his feelings.) See if your husband will agree to see a counsellor with you. If he won’t, I’d strongly encourage you to go on your own and get some help that way.
what do you do if your husbands abused you verbally? I am married for more than 5 years and we have 2 children.. when I asked him something he’ll throw very offensive words on me.. does this mean he doesnt love me anymore?
Hi all.
I just want to send a prayer to all who read this and are going through a rough time in there lives.
I pray that the God our Daddy will surround you at this time in your life and that as you rely on Him for comfort, that he will be with you all day long.
In jesus Mightyname amen
Hi Sassy, sounds like you have some real good people in your life that are there for you to see you through to the other side of this heartache along with your faith in God. It is amazing when we open up our hearts and share our heartache with others the freedom that comes with it! Sam made some real good points and it is great that they spoke to your situation. May God’s peace be with you and may He bestow you with abundant faith and strength to help you and your precious children through this.
S.A.M your are right, I did the blame game for far too long. I know that I tried my best to be the best girlfriend there was. I stood by him in everything he did. I never made him feel useless. I’m a strong woman and I know that. Letting go is definitely hard, but it is something that I have to do, if I want to be happy again. my friends and family told me that I’m a good woman, that is why he couldn’t tell me what he did and why he didn’t walk away. sometimes I think it is because of the kids that he didn’t leave. it no longer matters. I need to let go and let go for good. it will be hard being that he will still come and see his kids, but I will have to be stronger than ever and put my foot down. he cannot come into my house and act like he belongs. he only has one job at this point and that is to be a father to his kids. I’ve been hurt enough and I’m not going to lose myself in his mental games anymore. I was very strong last night. He called to say Happy New Years and when I answered the phone I gave it straight to the kids. when they were done saying Happy New Years they gave me the phone. He said it to me and I said it back and then said goodbye. It might have been rude to him, but unless he was willing to start giving me answers, there is really nothing left to discuss.
Thank You S.A.M for your comments. I normally don’t do any posting, but this has actually calmed me down and opened up my eyes to the fact that there is a future for me and I just need to keep moving in order to enjoy it.
Dear Sassy, 13 years is a long time to have spent with someone who has been hiding things from you. I can only imagine the feeling of pain, hurt, and even betrayal that you are currently going through.
I have been through a similar phase when I realized my girlfriend of 3 years was doing something similar – except that she didn’t bear any children with the other guy.
No matter what, I just could not avoid thinking about the betrayal and it used to eat me up. I had got into a mode where I started finding faults in me – “Oh God! I wasn’t loving her enough” or “There was something missing in my love” or “I am not able to keep her happy and hence she opted for the other guy”… And after some introspection, I realized I did all that I could do to be a great lover, to be a great boyfriend, to be a great companion, etc. It was the fault in my gf that led her to stray away. Had she loved me enough she would have either not gone in that direction or she would have at least have the audacity to tell me “dude, let’s break up” and then do whatever she wanted.
But she chose to do otherwise – she strayed away, two-timed me, didn’t even want to break up (as she knew that I am the only man who could love her so much), and worse she was hiding this from me. Sassy, tell me when does a person hide something? Of course, when he/she has done something awfully wrong. And that’s why my ex-girlfriend and in your case your partner did – they kept everything hidden.
While going through your post, I somehow feel that you are playing a similar self-blame-game as I was soon after realizing my ex-gf was cheating on me. And that’s quite evident by what you said “What do you do when you have been with someone for 13 yrs and have 2 kids and find out he has been with others and has a child younger than your youngest? You even still try to make it work”…
Sassy remember one thing – YOU CANNOT DO ANYTHING BUT JUST LET GO! All that happened was not due to your shortcomings, there were serious problems in your partner. He was infidel right from the word GO. He kept his secret under the wraps cos he knew he was wrong, and he couldn’t leave you either cos he knows that no one could love him the way you do.
I know for sure that you wouldn’t take my statement “LET GO” seriously, as you are currently showing signs of withdrawal. But trust me, self-blame and more so the self-pity thing doesn’t help in such situations. I know that after knowing about the horrible secret, you may not feel like meeting new people, or doing anything that interests you, but trust me Sassy, the only way and the most fastest way to get out of the mental-mess is to do just the things you like.
The memories – no doubt – would come in between as obstacles during your journey to recovery, but Sassy, you have to let them aside, and continue your journey. Trust me, I never thought that I would be able to come out unless I made an effort to intentionally wipe off my ex-gf’s memories. There were times, places and incidents that used to remind me of her, but I made a conscious effort to go to those places (of course not alone but with friends) and make myself more stubborn against the sinking feeling.
Sassy, today, I am completely numb when it comes to her and memories related to her. I once used to hate her, but now my feelings – both positive and negative – have simply gone numb. Today when I cross her, I just see through her, and she tries hard to get back to me; but I am like “No THANKS! I am better off YOU :)”
This is after all an advice and a personal experience that I shared with you. To follow or to ignore is completely your choice. But, as a new unknown friend, I would pray for the pains to be washed off your mind & heart and that you recover out of it soon :)
God Bless & Regards,
S.A.M.
Barbara,
Thank you for your prayers. I’ve been doing a lot of praying myself. I have not felt comfortable talking to anyone about this because I actually feel like I failed somehow and i’m very embarrassed about it. At this point I know that I need to move forward for the kids sake as well as my sake. I don’t see myself ever getting an answer from him and after all these years I need to learn how to love myself more than anyone else. I think maybe I gave too much of myself and he just didn’t know how to handle it. I know that it sounds like i’m making excuses for him, but this is just a way for me to look forward.
Dear Sassy, I am so sorry to hear about the difficulties you are struggling with at this time. I cannot even imagine the hurt, pain, and confusion you are in at this time. Have you asked your husband as to why he felt the need to stray from your marriage? He needs to realize by him not wanting to talk about the issue will not cause the problem to go away nor help the two of you to restore your marriage.
Have you sought out any counseling? Do you feel comfortable talking to your pastor about the situation? May you realize that although your husband has betrayed you God will never harm or betray you. He is there for you no matter how things look or how you are feeling. God word says, “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18) “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” (Psalm 147:3)
At this time, I would like to pray for you:
Father God, I pray that Your Spirit comfort Sassy through the challenging and complicated situation she is currently struggling with. I ask that You would soften her husband’s heart in desiring to want to talk openly and honestly with Sassy so they can possibly begin to restore their relationship, marriage, and family unit. May you fill Sassy with Your peace and give her the strength to carry on in being a wonderful mom to her children in spite of the hardship she is facing. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen
What do you do when you have been with someone for 13 yrs and have 2 kids and find out he has been with others and has a child younger than your youngest? You even still try to make it work and when you ask where do you stand he says he doesn’t want to talk about it. He also tells you he doesnt want to hurt you or make you cry. How are you supposed to take that?
Oh Hannah, I can only imagine how hard this has been on you. Let me say that while it may seem to help, medicating your grief is not going to make you better able to handle it. You will find that dealing with the emotions is the most complete way of healing. Do you have people around you who are strong supports? It is so much better when we have someone who can share the load and provide an objective point of view. Let me invite you to talk to one of our online mentors. They are safe people to share your hurt with and they will help you think through how you can find healing for the hurt in your life. Just fill out the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ and one of our mentors will get in touch with you by email.
The empty feeling of being alone and tryin to make up for it by havin sex with ur partner to try an regain it or to constantly think of ur partner ahead of almost everyone bc ur so used to doing so. Being afraid of living alone bc u spen most ur life building or so trying to build with ur partner. Respecting someone so much and finding disappointment bc u bet all ur money on them. That they were the one the gem and u have lost everything…. I’m trying to pick up the prices bc I’m still in love and I’m trying toget used to not. Thanks.
Me and my ex where together since we where 15 its now 6 years later we have a 3 year old son and he had an affair hes now living with the girl ,, and even though its been nearly 5 month he is the first thing i wake up thinking about and the last thing before i go to bed i even dream of hom most nights and its killing me i have to have codine to help me sleep and there not working ive just had enough of loving him
@Claire Colvin…It’s true there are always exceptions but I can only base my opinion on my experiences and of those around me…If one of the 5 couples who went to counseling had made it I would have notated it but that’s not what happened.
Plus you seem rather well educated and thoughtful have you ever thought about those who aren’t?…The average Joe Sixpack and Jill Chardonay who think Dr. Phil is too complicated to follow?…You’re not taking cultures into consideration where women are forced to suffer in silence due to family/church/friend pressure…The difference in thought processes between generations and among races…There’s too many variations.
I have been with a few women in my life and I have found that it’s the fear of loneliness that keeps many people together instead of love…That’s no way to live.
As for your “Wait till you’re old and pray that the thrill comes back, once the kids have left” theory is great but who wants to risk losing the best part of their years hoping it works out in the end?
Oh by the way three biggest causes of marital problems among my partners:
1. Internet
2. ED Meds
3. Pushing of testosterone by all the doctors
So keep your hubby/wife away from late night chatting…Don’t let your hubby take all that toxic crap just to get hard people become addicted to it…Testosterone is great but it also makes us men want to go on the hunt and not be stuck at home.
However, like I said each region will have their own problems…I can only speak for Monterey Ca.
Noodles123, I can see how your own experience would lead you to believe that counselling is ineffective, but be careful not to extrapolate everyone’s experience from your own (or even the experiences of those around you.) Counselling can and does help. It’s not a magic bullet that ALWAYS helps, but it is beneficial for a lot of couples – even though that was not the case amount your group of friends.
It’s interesting that you said, “when the thrill is gone it’s gone baby”. Do you think that once that initial spark is lost that it can never be regained? Have you ever had a chance to see the graph of marital happiness? I don’t have the study at my fingertips so I can’t quote numbers, but basically the study found that after the initial courtship phase couples experienced a decrease in happiness which continued until the children left home. The study noted that there was a huge surge in divorces at this point (these would be the couples who stayed together for the children.) But the study went on to find that after the children were gone couples experienced a huge surge in personal happiness, one that often exceeded even the happiness they had during that initial phase of courtship. They found that the couples that stayed together were happier and happier for longer than those who sought out new relationships.
If a couple has truly worked through their issues then they shouldn’t be “walking on eggshells”. I wonder if that eggshell feeling happens when one spouse has not truly forgiven the other?
@Claire Colvin…Okay “Marriage Counseling” is usually a waste of time.
Ever see couples who go through it? They always seem fragile and old…Like trying to keep up appearances or else the spell will break…SOMETIMES it’s okay to call it and say it’s just not worth all the emotional sadness and end it…Not all relationships are meant to be saved even if there are children involved.
Everyone changes in a relationship/marriage some for good some for bad…The bad doesn’t always mean hookers/cocaine but it can be the loss of effort on your partner’s side…They let themselves go…They stop exploring, trying to learn, they become fat frogs on a log.
My example: Married a beautiful lil redhead, she went to school, danced and was a great wife, I moved up the ranks and did well, she started becoming someone else as I became Daddy…There to fix things…She stopped taking care of herself became a tad selfish yet highly demanding…Stopped being affectionate.
I would beg her for a kiss or a hug…Tried to go to counseling…She was always too busy…So After literally having sex maybe 4 times in 1 year I found a mistress.
Felt great! Saw that I didn’t need to depend on someone else for my happiness especially never to beg for crumbs…By then she saw the writing on the wall and NOW decided to do the counseling but sitting there and answering the questions and going through the exercises didn’t change anything for me…I saw freedom and happiness without all the bullsh*t of having to do this or that like if love is a chemical formula…Happiness just is happiness.
Went from a huge house with everything to sleeping on the ground at a flop house in order to still maintain the old household and be on my own…Eating Dollar Menu food and getting by on nothing…But I would wake up happy and with a purpose.
For those with kids counseling is a crutch to help it last a little longer…Truth is when the thrill is gone it’s gone baby.
I can remember 5 couples who have gone to counseling from my partners…All 5 are divorced now…All they did was prolong the misery especially one partner who prolonged it by almost 3 years of tears and sadness…I saw it eating him up…He aged 10 years.
You can try it but keep in mind that even if all the problems are fixed everyone will be walking on eggshells…It’s a horrible way to live.
If you or they leave and after a year apart you/they come back because you/they learned your/their lesson THEN it’s worth it…You have to hit bottom first to see the truth.
Noodes123, What makes you say that “counselling is usually a waste of time”? Counselling is not only used to try and mend relationships (although it can be affective in that). Counselling can also be beneficial when you’ve been through a hard experience and need some extra help sorting through your emotions.
To stay in a broken relationship means so much ache…Make a financial agreement and leave far away…Nothing good can come from being close… Counseling is usually a waste of time…When the love is gone it’s so hard to make it come back
what do u do if after 7 years and two kids.. he tells u he doesn’t love you any more.. this pain hurts!!
What do u do if ur a over the road truck driver and ur woman cheat but ur never home and ur so lonely. But u have to take care of ur kids. And don’t have the time to meet a good woman