How can I get over a heart ache?

Written by Dr. Ginger Gabriel, Ph.D., M.F.T

heartacheHow do you get over a heart ache? I know they say time heals all wounds but who needs time when you’re heart broken? How do you get over an ex- boyfriend when you have to face him practically everyday? It just hurts to see a love that was once there but is not there now. We used to be so close and now we’re practically like strangers.

Advice: How long were you and this guy going together? It is important to know that you are in a grieving process. Some people make closer attachments than others and these are harder to break off. It is also true that the more physically intimate you are with another, the harder it is to break off. I’m pretty sure that is the main reason why the Bible says not to have intercourse or heavy petting until you are married. I don’t know how close the two of you got, but it sounds as though you are now going through a difficult time.

My suggestion is to find some activities to think about and get excited about. This year I had something kind of similar take place so I joined a gym and have begun to work out. I was amazed how many acquaintances also worked out at the gym. I have made some closer friends. I also joined Toastmasters and am developing my speaking skills (meeting new people) and I got a kayak (we have a lake nearby). These things have helped be avoid compulsively thinking about a painful situation. You also could watch all the old Jane Austin movies. Fill your odd time with old movies. You will get used to seeing unrequited love. Its called flooding. You may get a different perspective on your ex. That would be one way of handling it. Have you read Changes That Heal by Henry Cloud? This book is great at giving good information and new perspectives.

Dr. Ginger

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319 Responses to “How can I get over a heart ache?”

  • Sharon says:

    good article thank you for posting this

  • Me says:

    Hello Jini
    As you can tell we all have different opinions. Some like to believe God makes all the love decisions for us. I believe God allows us to make our own decisions and he will judge is based on them when it’s out time. To blame or sherrish God for our own doing I think goes against what he believes. Some have the mentality to say
    “Thank you god for your choice of me meeting this person”

    I have the mentality of
    “Thank you god for giving me the strength and wisdom to allow this person into my life and to appreciate them”

    In other words many lack self responsibility but no matter your mindset the ultimate goal is happiness. This I hope for you.

  • Chris says:

    Jini….from what i have learned as a christian, having jesus in charge of my life and destiny, whom i marry, where i work and live, etc., its so important to apply biblical wisdom in our lives in each area. for example in the dating/courtship process, i have learned how jealously God watches over me and out for me. whenever i have been with someone he didnt want me to be with sentimentally, alarms went off inside of me. that is something we all need to be more senstive about as we put and keep jesus first each day in our arisings and reading the bible with prayer, being in a strong christian church and getting counsel from our pastors on serious issues like marriage. long distance relationships can complicate that a bit however by checking with the persons pastor and sitting down through internet in conference chatting, issues can be discussed and dealt with before too much time passes and is wasted. under normal circumstances a couple should be in the same church and not after too much time passes, get with their pastor on pre-marital counseling see if there really could be a future in their relationship according to Gods will. As we follow biblical principles like the ones i mentioned above, we can safeguard ourselves from wasting time with someone we have no real future with. after a few months, the couple should be able to decide with their pastors assistance to either continue in the relationship or break it off, based on his godly counsel which would need to be prayed about of course. there is really no way to consider more than a year in a relationship without a definite yes this is Gods will that we marry or no its time to end this relationship. i pray my suggestions will shed more light on your situation so you can pray about them. may jesus encourage you today that by doing this his way, we never have to feel left out in the spiritual cold. blessilngs!!

  • Me says:

    Hello jennifer
    That question only you can answer. Some individuals are able to be friends with ex partners but for others it is best to get distance from them. I am a believer that when love and respect till remain then anything can be fixed. Do you still love him? Does he still love you? Did he cheat? This must have been a very hurtful argument to cause a breakup.

    A person that’s with someone for 11 years and has a child just doesn’t walk away because of an argument. There is more to this for sure.

    You don’t have to be friends I you don’t wish it but don’t be enemies either for your child’s sake.

    Hope this helps.

  • Jennifer says:

    Elizabeth this guy for 11 years we have a child together we recently separated over a bad argument between me him and his mom now I went to him today and ask him if he felt like we could work on thing he told me it was best that we were just friends should I take the friendship I should I just try to get over it and move on I’m having a hard time with it all and I feel like I’m all alone so here it is I’m breaking down my pride and asking for help

  • Jini says:

    Hi “Me” – thank you for the email.

    You are right with what you said … I do understand all the things you said. What I do not understand if he had met his soul mate I should have been the first one to know. He should have talked to me and we could have come to some kind of decision. He was very selfish in choosing another woman just because she was more convenient for him. Had he not met her, he would still have been with me. So I was the second best. Anyway, I don’t know why God could not stop me from being hurt again and again. Like I said I would rather be on my OWN walk through life in SOLO than to have a new relationship. I know with time I will get over it but I wonder how can he sleep in the night? He used to have sleeping problems …. I wonder whether his conscience does not prick his heart and mind. Anyway, I guess I must have done something very wrong for me to go through these nasty situations …. I wonder why it is only me going through this … he is happy and enjoying a good life while I am struggling to get back on track. I don’t know what to say more. I thank you for your email. Regards

  • Me says:

    Hello Jini
    I know that person was not right for you. I know that it might seem hard at the moment but one big mistake he did was that once he started developing feelings for this other woman he should have distances himself from her because he was in a relationship.

    The one big mistake many do is they seek to make those feelings grow and they end up hurting others.

    In his interpretation he may say “God sent me a great person but then God sent me my soulmate “. See how this works? He can spin it. We all can spin it . We can blame or praise God for our fortunes but one thing is true. We all have free will and as long as we keep living our decisions will shape our sadness or happiness. I don’t want make it seem as if I know all the answers because I do not but I spend my time trying to do positive things and hobbies I enjoy . These things make me a better and happier person. If you hold recentment it will just keep you down. Take your time but eventually you will want to dedicate your time on things to make you happy instead of the negative experience you went through with this breakup.

    Maybe God wanted you to meet someone else?????? It will be your decision

  • Jini says:

    Hi “Me” – thank your for the email. Yes, I do take responsibility for my decision. After 3 unsuccessful relationships I have learnt my lessons in life. I started praying and asking God to send me the right person and when the guy from Australia turned up I thought he was God sent. I even told him that no matter what had happened in my life – I think God had listened to my prayer and sent him my way. I did not even look for him we just happened to bump into each other and a relationship was born. We started being friends and when the friendship turned into love we did not even know. We both thought we were meant to happen and that we would be together as soul mates for the rest of our lives. Plans were made as to when he will come what will be done etc. Until on the 19 of December, 2015 when I thought that something more that what I am seeing is happening as female friends on FB do not send hearty smileys and kisses to male friends. When I put pressure for him to answer my questions this is when he told me …. in broken sentences that he met that woman and felt attracted to her. So had I not put pressure when would he have told me? If he really had a bit of respect and love for me would he not have felt that I should be the first one to know instead of making me learn this on FB?
    I have believed and prayed God and this is where I find myself today. I will still believe in Him but won’t ask him for anything as I have decided to go solo in life at least this way no one will have the pleasure of hurting me. I will not ask God for anything what He wants to give He can give and if He wants to take anything from me whatever He wants to do let Him do. I could not care less. I guess there is nothing worse than a man disrespecting and deceiving me after so much trust and faith I had in God. Thank you “Me” I know I sound stubborn and hard but life has not taught me otherwise. I guess is what goes in must come out. Regards

  • me says:

    hello Jini
    I sometimes believe in God and other times I don’t. It’s hard to truly understand where we came from. Anyone who says they know for certain I call ignorance. With that said I still believe if there is a God he/she/it gives us free will and our decision should not be to blame God. I am sure you are hurt but if anyone is to blame its the people in the relationship. Your ex for being deceitful and you for attracting the wrong men into your life. Once we accept our part in our decisions we tend to grow from it. I am sure both of you are not bad people it’s just decisions that we make that shape us.

  • Jini says:

    Hi Chris – thank you for your words of advice and encouragement. I am hurt and in pain and I have decided to move on with my life in solo. I think I am an independent person and can do without a man. All my relationships have ended like this. My partner always chooses someone else over me. At one point in time I thought it is a karmic thing but right now I think that I attract negative and opportunists in my life. I think I am too open and trust people easily. If God wanted him to find this person in Australia God should have made this happen 4.5 years ago. Why did God have to send him in my arms and then to take him from me and throw him in some other woman’s arms. Where is God’s justice in that. I will move on with my life all on my own. I do not want to take chances anymore … it has happened 4 times in my life and I won’t let it happen a fifth time. I cannot understand how someone who has been in a long distance relationship with me for 4.5 years did not have the courage to tell me that he wants to back out and that I had to learn it from FB. He did not say one word to me and I did not see this coming. I had to pressure him with questions for him to tell me that he met someone else with whom he felt attracted. Where is God in all that? I have been very close to God in my prayers and in my actions but I guess it is not enough. God LOVES those who use their financial and emotional power to oppress women like me. Now enough is enough … I believe in God but will not pray to ask him for anything. He can take whatever or whoever he wants from me and it won’t matter to me. If He decides to send some crumbs my way I will take it with thanks to Him. Thank you Chris but I am very upset and bitter right now. I am sorry if I am saying things which I should not say … I guess God cannot help me with my hurt and pain as He is too busy helping people like my ex. Regards

  • Chris says:

    jini…sorry to hear you are struggling….if finding the right mate is not easy locally, its certainly even harder when distance is involved. the good thing is, jesus has promised us our mates based on his promise and not our ability to find a mate. Matthew 19. i would encourage you that if you arent finding a mate in your church, be open to visit other churches to meet new people and to see how God is moving at other places. i pray now that jesus would comfort your heart in knowing that nobody can ruin your life because you belong to jesus and his promises to you are not broken by anyone elses unfaithfulness because jesus remains faithful to you! blessings always!

  • Jini says:

    Hi “Me” – this is very strange as I sent it yesterday as soon as I got your email. I guess the site does not allow me to post my email. So try this my first name is jini and my last name pillay and my email address is my first name followed by second name with no space – as at yahoo.ca

    I really do now know what I can do more. Thanks and best regards.

  • Me says:

    No I did not

  • Jini says:

    Hi “Me” did you get my personal email address? Thanks

  • Me says:

    Where would you like me to email you? Post your email and I will contact you

  • Jini says:

    Hi “me” – you did not provide me with a name so I don’t know how to address you my invisible friend. I want to say many things to you but do not want to publicly say it on this site. Please provide me with an email address so that we can communicate off the site. Yeah, by the way my mother tongue is French and I have taken up tutoring public officers during my lunch time every Wednesday. I take pleasure in doing it and it helps me focus on other things rather than on my miserable life. You are still young and rest assured God will send a supportive, loving and caring woman your way soon. Take care please do send me your personal email. I would want to keep in touch with you my friend. I feel like you are God sent so please let us keep supporting each other. Thanks

  • Me says:

    Hello Jini
    Of course we can be friends. We all need some type of support during stressful and heartbreaking breakups . One of the things I hated the most during my breakup was letting go of so many people that I thought where friends. During all this I focused on my faults and have become a better person. It’s been 4 years and have yet to date. It’s hard to stop believing on someone who I’ve known since I was 14. Now at 40 (although I look younger) I have trouble trusting others but I will one day and I hope it turns out better. If I may give any advice is for you to look for things you enjoy doing. I myself have picked up photography an other arts a hobbies. Do things that are fun for you.

  • Jini says:

    Hi there, I fully understand everything you said. I know I am hurt and in pain may be I will soon get over it and time will heal my scar. I don’t feel like I should forgive him now may be I will later today but today I feel that as a woman I have not been respected by a man whom I have loved for 4.5 years.

    I sincerely appreciate you telling me about your own life experience. Hopefully I will soon feel better and I will move on. Four and a half years of my life has just gone down the drains in one blink of an eye. It is hard to start all over I think I will never want to get into a relationship again.

    I will have you in my prayers – I don’t know your name but I will ask God to help a new friend whom I have met while in being in pain. Thank you so much for all your sincere advices and I promise you I will try to turn my anger into forgiveness. I would like to stay in touch with you. Is there a possibility to do so? I will never ask you any personal questions but I would wish to keep you as an invisible friend. You came to me at the right time so thank you very much my friend. You take care and be blessed.

  • Me says:

    Hello Jini
    I am really sorry for your pain . I myself lost someone special in my life. She was my very first and only girlfriend. I met her when I was 14 in the 9th grade. We loved each other very much and got married at age 28. One day she told me that I needed to move out because she was mad at me. I asked what should I take. She replied “just just clothes let me get over this anger and you’ll be back”. Well I was clueless. That night she sent me an email stating that she was divorcing me and that it was all my fault and that not to contact her because there was nothing I could do to stop her.

    I was devastated. I did not know if her making over 6 figures and me barely making 15k had anything to do with it. I don’t know if it was because I didn’t show her enough love. That I took her for granted etc. as soon as I received thg email the divorce papers soon followed and in a blink of an eye she was gone. The love of my life was gone .

    When I tried calling her she would not pick up except for one time whe. She did and said. “Stop calling me I have a restraining order on you “.

    I never cheated , I never hit her or mistreat her but I was in a way passive agressive I now believe because I didn’t show her enough love.

    That was in 2011. Now I am older and I still love her. I do not see her or have any contact with her. But I hold no recentment . I truly loved her and although she hurt me. I really hope she is happy with her new life. I do not seek punishment for hurting me. I focus my energy in hoping I find happiness myself.

    So Jini I am sorry for your lose but in time instead of seeking God to punish him, ask God for forgiveness and focus on finding true happiness for yourself. If you focus on him and the anger it will not be healthy for you.

  • Jini says:

    Hi J – I am sorry to hear about your current situation. I hear you when you say you don’t know where to go from here ….. and how to feel better.

    I am in the same situation as you but very much older but I am hanging there and I would advise you to do the same. Hang in there and let time pass – time is a healer. I will think of you in my prayers … I am dedicating my whole time to prayers and meditation. I am begging God to make things better for me so that I can move on with my life. It is not the first time that this have happened to me. It tends to recur in my relationships .. I really do not know where or what am I doing wrong. Please, take care of yourself and if you need to open up do send your comments. Bye for now.

  • J says:

    I’m 22, had been dating my ex girlfriend for two years and three months. It’s been long distance but we’ve met in person twice and spent nearly a month together both times. I thought everything in our relationship was going pretty great. To the point even where last time I left, we started talking about plans for me to move there with her. We talked about this endlessly for months, made plans, finalized a date and as it approached everything still seemed to be going great, I was just anxious and ready to be there with her. Finally, the day was approaching, I left college to transfer to another place there, quit my job, told all of my friends and family about the move and was completely ready for it. Up until the day she broke up with me, she continued to talk as if everything was fine, even still discussing plans for when I got there.. Until the night before when suddenly, she changed her mind. After a confusing phone call where she brought up different things she considered could be an issue in our relationship — that she has not once ever mentioned before, I had to basically coax out of her that she didn’t feel the same way about me anymore and thought this was a bad idea. (Essentially I had to dump myself because she isn’t the best at expressing her feelings..) Since then I have felt absolutely lost. Not only is my heart broken but she had my head filled with so many dreams and promises and I was ready to get away from this place and start over. I don’t know where to go from here or how to even begin to feel better.

  • Jini says:

    Hi there,

    Thank you for your email. I do understand what you are saying. I know long distance relationship is hard for both partners but in 2011 when I met him he knew about that. He is 64 years old and I am 53 years old. He was always making plans to retire and come and live with me in Canada. His daughter is getting married in April 2016 and I was really looking forward to go and attend the wedding. He was always telling me how happy he is for me coming over and see where he lives and works etc.

    We talk everyday on Skype and the best thing is that we see each other he is aware of everything I do and vice versa. I have always been loyal, faithful and he could trust me fully. Had he told me openly that he met someone with whom he thinks he is compatible and feel attracted – of course I would have given him my blessings and I would have still remained his friend. The sneaky way in which he did what he did – was damn cruel. He was openly flirting on FB with the woman and when I asked him why are you putting intimate comments on this lady’s picture he told me she was just a friend. To tell you the truth I did not even doubt him. I had full trust in him – having gone himself through a divorce years ago and I could not see this coming.

    The next day when I saw the lady sending her messages on FB with smiley and blowing a kiss with a heart – I thought to myself that there must be more to it. On Saturday the 19 of December 2015 I confronted him on Skype and after putting lots of pressure on him – he then told me that he met that woman recently and feel attracted to her. I asked him – does the woman know that you already have a girlfriend and that I have our picture on my profile on FB. He did not reply – I asked him you have made so many plans build up so many dreams of living together and so on and you are ready to wipe 4.5 years of relationship for someone you just met. He said yes and that he was sorry if he had hurt me etc.

    I told him you came to my place I welcomed you with open arms and when it is my turn to come to Australia for your daughter’s wedding this is what you do to me. I think he has lied through his teeth and had never the intention of telling me. He was double crossing me all along. I could have put my hand in the fire for him – I had so much trust in him. On the 31 of December 2015 at 11.30pm he changed his profile picture on FB to replace it with a picture where the woman is with him. All our mutual friends on FB started calling me and I felt so embarrassed that I deactivated my account on FB.

    I hate the way he sneaked out of my life as if my life was not worth anything. He was ready to sacrifice me for someone he just met. I feel like God should not allow a dishonest and an untrustworthy man like that to be happy. I would never have stopped him from moving on had he told me the truth but he kept telling me that the woman was just a friend. I mean there is a limit to lying. At 64 years old can a man behave like that?

    I will move on but I will never have anything good to say about him. I think he is cruel and an opportunist. Had he told me from the very first time we met that he would want us to be together we could have taken the decision to break way … no, he did not do that I think he kept me as a spare tire and was keeping his eyes open and as soon as he met someone he just dropped me like a sack of rotten potatoes. I call this a man who looks for his own interest and benefit.

    I personally think that people like that has no right to real and genuine love. He has cheated on me and I pray that the woman cheats on him – and he gets a dose of his own medicine. I believe in karma and I am confident that what goes around comes around. I will wait and watch how far can he go with his new relationship. I am happy to say despite being far I have always trusted and loved him. I have always cared for him but I have invested so much emotions and feelings in him that today he is having fun and I am suffering.

    I am not ready to forgive him – I cannot forgive him each time I think about what he did to me – I cursed him. I feel so bitter – things could have been different should he have been open to me and in God’s name I would have blessed him and let him go and be happy. It would have hurt but at least in my mind and heart I would know that he has been open to me and respected me for whom I am. The sneaky way he did things mean that he has never loved and respected me.

    Today he is adding pictures of him with the woman on FB as if I have never existed. Had he had a bit of respect for me he would have waited a little while before opening his new relationship to the world.

    I thank you again for reading my email and appreciate you taking the time to reply. I cannot talk to my siblings as they know how hurt I am but in front of them I make as if I am over this and that it is not bothering me. God only knows how much hurt and ache I am going through right now. I have a good friend but do not like to talk about my personal life with her. I do not want her to go and tell other people about my business.

    Thanks a lot and best regards.

  • Me says:

    Hello
    I am sorry to hear about your breakup. It’s very hard for long distance relationships to work. We as humans need emotional and physical partnership . When one is away the other person may feel abandoned at times. Your ex has found someone he likes and although it’s very hurtful to you at the moment in someway if your love is true you will be happy for him. I understand you are hurt but I do not think seeking punishment for him developing feelings for someone else is the right way of thinking. You will get better and you will fall in love again . Hopefully it will be with someone who is close enough to you to see them on a regular basis. Life is beautiful and enjoy all the moments we get to have on earth even the rough ones. If you did or do love him then forgive him and be happy for his happiness after all he would want the same for you

  • Jini says:

    Hi there, I am going through the same situation. My boyfriend from Australia with whom I had a 4.5 years long distance relationship met someone else in Australia in December 2015 and he just shut down on me. I tried to talk to him and ask the reason for such a drastic decision and he told me he felt attracted to that other woman. He left me in pain and my heart aches. I never saw that coming – all these years together though away from each other physically. I think he has never loved me … he did not bother to call and see how I was doing. While I was talking to him on the day I broke up with him he sounded very indifferent and could not care less if I live or die. One month after I am still in pain – I know time is a healer but right now I feel like I am not even living. I have been away from work and meditating a lot – wishing God could help me heal fast. I think of him everyday and he has cleaned his FB profile and started putting new pictures of him and his new girlfriend. He did not wait for a little while before he publishes his new love on FB. We have lots of mutual friends and I have been feeling so embarrassed that I deactivated my profile on FB. I felt like I have been used all those years. He came to visit me in Canada in 2014 and I welcomed him into my home and see what he did to me. I really do not feel like I want to live. I wished God could take me away from this hurtful situation. I want to move on but old memories are holding me back and when I think that he is having fun and I am in pain … I wonder if I could have done the same thing to him and each time I asked myself this question – I said to myself I could not be as cruel as he has been towards me. He make as if I have never been a part of his life I am completely inexistent for him. I wonder whether he will be punished for what he did to me? Thanks

  • Chris says:

    me…i regret to hear you are struggling….while human promises can and will be broken, we understand that the promises God has made for us in the bible will stand all tests of time, trial and temptation. i would encoaurge you to look to jesus christ who took your place of pain and punishment on the cross for you so you could be free from the consequences of sin, betrayal and failed promises of people to you in your life. you can find out how by logging onto knowingjesuspersonally.com or by clicking talk to a mentor above. i pray you would come to jesus as this time as he is faithful for all time to be the best friend, healer and provider a person will ever need. he knows what mate would be best for you. you can trust him for that and your entire eternity into the hands of jesus. blessings!

  • me says:

    I am in so much pain trusted someone who claimed he loved me broke my heart. With empty promises and crushed Me Idk what to do.

  • Chris says:

    lucy…sorry for your struggles. in jesus we know that he has the right person for us. all you can do is continue to give your heart to jesus each day and let christ be the one to do the choosing. our faith isnt in people. if they come or go, we still have jesus promise to join us to the right person. keep your standard as high as Gods. he has for you a Christian man who will love you through christ, be in church with you and submitted to your local pastor. until you have such a candidate, dont settle for less. blessings!

  • Fernie says:

    Lucy
    I am not religious but I do believe in God. With that saying it is written that God gave us free will. Meaning we have freedom to make choices.
    Your ex should not use God as an excuse for the breakup . He either doesn’t love you enough to be with you or he has other reasons but God has nothing to do with it. Take time to heal but then find someone that will love you and appreciate you

  • Lucy says:

    Hello,

    I had being going out with a guy for a year and about a month ago he broke up with me,saying he didn’t think God was telling him I am the one.

    I am absolutely heart broken. I 100% thought i was going to marry him and thought/still think god is telling me he is the one.

    I am just struggling to know what to do

  • Chris says:

    danny…i pray for you today that jesus would console your heart in this situation and that romans 8.28 could be applied to your life so that the next time you meet someone who isnt truly a Christian, you would guard yourself from entering into a sentimental relationship with them knowing that without christ, 2 cor 6.14 would apply in such cases. blessings to you heart in jesus name amen

  • Danny says:

    Hello,

    I have been involved with a man for a year. He left me 3 months ago after a very painful and hurtful 2nd 6 months of the relationship. It was emotionally and verbally abusive. He was always very caring though and did everything I asked of him. My family tried to keep us apart and when they were finally coming around he walked away. He never gave me a good enough reason but that he doesn’t wish to be apart of my family. I come from a stable, loving family that is very overprotective. My parents and myself are very spiritual and have a strong personal walk with Jesus. He did not like this.

    He lost his father when he was 8, was married and divorced within 2 years and lost his sister last year when she was murdered by her husband. I watched him deteriorate and pull away from me and God. He hasn’t been to church since Easter.

    On Saturday our church had a conference, which I volunteered at, he decided to come and I ran into him a few times. At first he didn’t want to talk but then he decided to make small talk, it really upset me because he spoke to me like nothing happened between us.

    He looks like he’s abusing drugs and alcohol and even had a Hindu symbol on him.

    I really have been improving to forget him, I don’t know why God allowed me to see him.

    Now I feel emotional and all the hurt has come flooding back. Please can I ask that you pray with me for courage and strength and that should we ever cross paths again that I will be strong and know that it is Gods will that he isn’t in my life anymore.

    I really want to get more involved at church and move forward but I find it so difficult if I run into him.

    Thanks,

  • Elkay says:

    Audrina, this is not a popular thing to say in today’s permissive society but living with your current boyfriend is immoral in God’s eyes if you are having sexual relations with him. You can resolve two issues if you will move out and live independently and prayerfully ask God to help you understand your feelings for both your long-term friend and your more recent boyfriend. If you want to learn some of the many Scriptural verses that describe how God feels about sexual relations outside of marriage, please reply. Only He knows the future and His plans for your life but obedience to His commands today is the best way to get your life on the right track. This may sound like tough-talk, but I truly want to help and honesty is the best approach.

  • Audrina says:

    I have been friends with someone for about 5 years now. We got really close but no sexual intercourse. It was like we were dating but not dating. Maybe just really close friends. We even argued like a couple. Then he left for the Navy. I have had a boyfriend for 14 months and we live together. Extremely happy. But every now and then I still think of my friend. When I do, it breaks me. Especially when I see his name or he tries to talk to me. I have told him we couldn’t speak because my boyfriend gets upset. I mean, I would to if I was in his position. What I don’t understand is, me and my friend has never dated.honestly didn’t hangout all the much either. We went a while talking then a year without talking so really only been friends 3 years I guess. So why do I still care about him? Why do I still ache? It has been over a year since me and my friend has spoken.. Until about 30 minutes ago..

  • Chris says:

    simone9303…sorry to hear of your situation. it is true when someone is struggling with their mental health that others may very well suffer with them but your husband should be willing to seek help which he is apparently struggling to reckon with. the good thing is in this world, God never limits our freedom and happiness based on people which is something we all need to learn sooner or later, hopefully sooner. people may and probably will fail us in many different kinds of ways but God never will. he is the best friend anyone could ever have. he wants to help you have a stable life so that despite, with or without people, you can still find your happiness in him. if you would like more information on having such a life, log onto knowingjesuspersonally.com or by clicking talk to a mentor above. i pray that jesus would comfort you in this situation as he also has mercy on your husband to do what is right and seek christ for himself and the help he needs to be a good husband and father in jesus name amen

  • Simone9303 says:

    My husband of 3 years just turn one evening and said I’m leaving you. We had been together for ten years before marrying. Just before he announced he was leaving our daughter was being tested for aspergers. We got the results that she does have aspergers one month after he said he was leaving which I had to find out by myself. He eventually moved out four months after to share a house we a friend. I’ve then came back saying he thinks he also has aspergers as which I had started to suspect as it answered a lot of our misunderstandings. I was so heartbroken and hurt by all the awful things he said while he was still in the house before he left. He kept saying we are incompatible and have.nothing in common. I cried so much I thought I was going to die. But I started to pull myself together for my daughter and started to realise you can’t force someone to love you. My daughter and I started to get in to a routing and then four months after he had left the house he came round crying saying he realised I was the only person who understood home and that he had some many things he wanted to say to me but didn’t know how to get his words out. I had been seeing a counsellor and said that the counsellor thought he should come with me he said for the first time he is not saying know to counselling and I started to feel like maybe he wanted to seek help to get us back together. After this he came round a lot stayed watching movies with me talking to me about his stresses at work. Then he started a course and asked if he could stay at the house while he did it because it was easier for him to study. I agreed and he stayed with us for two months during this time we was getting on good and laughing again. But it still didn’t feel right as he still was not telling me what it was he wanted to talk about two months before. Eventually I confessed to him that I still loved him and what was it he wanted to say did he want to finalise the separation or try to get back together he said he didn’t know which came as a total shock as that had not been the impression he gave me and my daughter he had bought flowers and card for valentines, birthday present and Mother’s Day flowers. I started to feel used and taken for granted as if I was being dangled on a string until he decided what he wanted. Every time I tried to get him to come to counselling he said he thinks he should go to one on his own when I said you can see the one I am seeing on your own he said he thought he should see his own but did nothing about it. In the end I got so made and gave him an ultamium saying that if he ever loved me and meant his vows then he would come round at a time on a Saturday to come with to the counsellor and get this sorted. The day came and he called me an hour before the time saying that he had been thinking all week and had barely slept and cried most evenings but he was not coming to the counsellor and that it was over between us he did not see any point in going to a counsellor he didn’t want to be with me anymore as he didn’t love me. It was like he tore my heart out all over again. I feel like such a fool cause I stuck by him through so much he claims he gave me all of him and tried so hard but I didn’t even know he was trying in all came as such a shock he gave me a card that said to my wife loved to bits just three months before he said he was leaving the first time. I don’t know whether I’ll ever be able to trust someone again. I’m devasted he and my daughter was my world I never imagined life without him. When we got married he said I had him for life and I was stuck with him as he was never going anywhere. I wasn’t perfect and have never claimed to be but I most certainly did love him and did whatever I could for him. I don’t know how I’ll get over this as I feel like I’m in a nightmare. Even though he says he doesn’t love me it doesn’t feel true that was not what he was showing this year. He was so depressed in his job and felt pressured to provide for his family and he blamed me as I gave up work to work from home looking after kids. He hated that I had strangers in the house and felt I put more pressure on him to stay in this job. I feel like life as a family man got too much for him and by saying he doesn’t love me makes it easier to walk away or maybe I just don’t want to accept that he truly doesn’t love me and never did. Everyone says get on with your life without him but I don’t know whether I am letting him down by not being there for him if he is going through some crisis but how many times can one person hear I don’t love you anymore before they try and stop loving that person so they can more on. I hate myself for not being stronger and for letting my daughter see me so weak. I don’t want her to think that this is how she should be allow some one to treat her this way. Will I ever get over this pain and loss?

  • Chris says:

    Kelly…sorry to hear of your situation….its not that marriage wouild guarantee a life-time commitment from your friend, but we cant improve on Gods design for one man and one woman to be wed in holy matrimony before having sexual intimacy and living together. i encourage you along those lines that you would pray first about having jesus christ as your own personal savior so that your life can blossom into the plans he has for you. you can find out more about that on knowingjesuspersonally.com or by clicking talk to a mentor above. God surely has a better way of living as we follow his principles in his Word the bible. he has preserved it for us down through the ages. generations of people will come and go including ours but jesus and his words of instructions will live on forever. i pray you take advantage of this time of reflection in seeing how life can be so disappointing when we are counting on people who are not close to christ themselves. it makes for a life of pure instability. jesus has something better for you today. blessings!!

  • Elkay says:

    Kelly, when sadness, depression, or loneliness assails us, we may feel as if there’s nowhere to turn. But God clearly tells us what to do when we’re in need: We are to go straight to His throne of grace. This throne room is filled with God’s glory, power, and radiant majesty—it is a holy place from which He rules over the entire universe.

    We may feel unworthy, but God extends His great mercy and love to us from His throne, taking away our sin. We can approach God there once we have given our lives to Him through Christ. We are welcome because Jesus is our intercessor—He gives us access to the God of all creation.

    He Jesus is also our Advocate and the True Friend who will never leave us, who will never deceive us or hurt us. It sounds like your boyfriend fails in all these areas so I would let him go and focus on building a relationship with Christ.

  • kelly says:

    I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now we both messed around but we worked through that but he told me I forced us back into our relationship I have been faithful to him since we decided to work things out he I feel has not he moved out of our house we bought together and moved in with family I feel he is still messing around because he is always blaming me he is very stressed out because he can’t find a job and could possibly face a month in jail he says he needs his space and when I asked him he said I wasn’t the problem I love him and don’t want to lose him but feel I already have he won’t talk to me or call and he stop having sex and sayin I love you I’m at a loss feel my world is coming down and my best friend is never coming back

  • Chris says:

    Kelly….sorry to hear about your situation. sadly, it appears your boyfriend simply isnt willing to commit to you neither as your boyfriend nor your future husband. more than likely, his relationship with christ isnt what it should be if it exists at all which makes marrying someone like that very dangerous anyway. i would suggest that you draw near to jesus since he is the only one who can clarify to you these personal issues. log onto knowingjesuspersonally.com so you can find out how to live a life directed by God your father who loves you and knows who are the right people you need in your life. if you do know jesus already, be sure to have a strong Christian pastor who can orient you in walking with God according to his Word. i pray you would take those steps towards christ and his people. by surrounding yourself with godliness, you will not be distrubed if the ungodly do not care for you. blessings!

  • Kelly says:

    I have been with my bf for 8 years an I have never been able to trust him completely because of his love for other female attention. So me not trusting him cause a lot of problem but I found out he kissed another girl after we broke up for about 5 hours now I don’t what to do

  • Elkay says:

    Catherine Grace, there’s a phrase, “When life deals you lemons, make lemonade” and it sounds like you are seeking the Lord and thanking Him for His love first and foremost at a hard time in life.

    Life is like that at times for every one of us. Hurt or abandonment by a mate or good friend can bring us into a dark season. We do not understand why the Lord has allowed the trial or lets the pain continue.

    We may find ourselves doubting God when our expectations are dashed by the reality of our situation. That’s when we must remember three essential truths about the Lord:

    1. He is totally sovereign (Ps. 103:19). God has everything in His control even when we can’t perceive it.

    2. He is infinitely wise (Rom. 11:33-36). God knows every side of the situation (inside and out) and every event (past, present, and future).

    3. He loves perfectly (Ex. 34:6). Without exception, He always chooses what is best for us, even if it’s not easy.

    One of the keys to walking through dark valleys—those times when life seems to be crumbling and the future’s looking grim—is to embrace the reality of the Lord’s presence with us. At the moment of salvation, the Holy Spirit comes to live permanently within the Christian and seals him or her as belonging to God forever. Because of the indwelling Spirit, we’re never apart from God. No circumstance, suffering, or loss can separate us from Him or His love (Rom. 8:35, 38-39).

    Lord, help Catherine Grace to worship You during the hard times. Help her to trust in You. Give her strength to praise you through all circumstances in life. Amen.

  • Catherine grace says:

    Wow i thank God he made me stumble upon this page ..my husband of 15 years was having an affair with my son’s teacher.i got a phone call from my son to pick him up at the time my oldest daughter was with me and had her permit.so off we went,there in the parking lot was my X and the teacher I had to act like a lady my daughter well I can’t imagine what she felt.but she hurried right behind me where I asked the principal do you know where your teachers are? The kids that could see the parking lot were telling my son.he was crying waiting for me we picked up my other daughter and left our small privileged town where I was involved in every aspect of the school’s.
    Well I moved away to another town and never spoke bad about their father but there was really no contact on either partys.he gave me he’ll with money and never complained or talked about him all three children graduated college and are the best kids.i never dated all our free time was spent together the children were concerned about me and wanted me to start dating. Just the thought of it made me bury my head in life.i was so scared.i was a mess going threw the car wash and this great guy who seemed shy helped me pick and put on new license plate covers.we exchanged numbers and our first date was Feb 14 2014.it turned out we were childhood friends and had crushes on each other sounds great right.i loved him so much.but it was like he took from me he lied about everything he was first after a year with egg on my face to the day I left him.it hurts worst then my divorce. Why? I think having a warm body next to me.i don’t know.im sick I miss him so much.thank god I’ve been seeking out the Lord since we were struck with hurricane sandy.i thank god for his love.

  • Me says:

    When you are betrayed and your heart is broken it’s ok to be down but it’s not ok to stay down.
    Work up to courage to continue by
    Exercising
    Finding hobbies
    Staying connected with friends and family
    Do things you enjoy
    In time you will feel better . Always love yourself as you are one who will never betray you

  • Shelley says:

    Thank you marc for your comment, as you continue to seek God’s grace, may He bless you with his love, in Jesus name /amen

  • Marc says:

    Hi..I have been betrayed too by someone who convinced me to trust him…the same guy convinced
    Me to move on n leave him..for no fault of mine..how it hurt me.I have never been in a relationship earlier
    Never wanted to either..I just wanted to get married and that’s it..this has been the worst happenings in my life
    There’s more to it..but anyway I’m back with Jesus.let no bad influence get in my way ever again.
    When in a circumstance where u feel empty n lost..turn to God for comfort n u will be at peace.
    Thank.

  • Chris says:

    margaret devastated…father we lift up margaret to you now, knowing that as she gives her heart to you each day and has other godly women pray with and over her too, that this season of grief will pass. knowing that you have a plan for our lives, we want to follow your will and not ours. help margaret to know and understand, seek and do your will. she will find that her life will have peace knowing that she wants to please only you. in jesus name amen. knowingjesuspersonally.com

  • Me says:

    Margaret
    Although you do love this man he was just an illusion.
    He was pretending to be someone he is not. I’m sure the man of your dreams would not be a cheater. This man was.
    In time you will realize his bad side and not only focus on his good sides. You will move on and meet a real man

  • Maricris says:

    Margaret,

    You will eventually move on, it takes time and give ur heartache to The Lord. There’s a reason why The Lord didn’t let you be with him, god works in mysterious way. Jt remember you are worth more that that and don’t deserved anything less. God has brought you another man, a man that will be there for you. It takes time to heal all heartache you will eventually love the new man in your life. Jt believe and trust in The Lord. I will pray for you.

  • I was with a man for 4 years and engaged 2. At first I was not attracted to him and only wanted to be friends. That didn’t last long before I fell madly in love with him. I loved this man more than I ever loved anyone before all except my children of course but relationship wise. In Oct, he broke up with me for someone else he had been cheating with the past year and after 3 months of our breakup, he and she are in love and planning to be married. My heart is so broken. No matter what I do, how much I pray, meeting new people, spending time with family, talking with friends, I cry my heart out everyday. I absolutelylove this man more than I ever thought I could love anyone.. Recently I have met someone else who is crazy about me. Knows the story of my ex and wants to be right at my side every step of the way. He wants commitment and family life. Part of me wants to give it a chance but I love my ex so much it is preventing me from moving on and this guy knows this but yet he won’t let go. Please pray for me. I don’t see how I’m going to get past this hurt. I am so torn. So devastated. I lost the man of my dreams.

  • Kathryn Kathryn says:

    Hi Carla, This is very sad for you. It sounds as if you are from a culture where the children have to do what the parents says even in the realm of love and marriage. That’s really tough but please realise that your boyfriend is probably also suffering as he must have given up his former girlfriend to be friends with you and maybe she is being forced into a relationship that she did not really want. You will be grieving now but I trust that soon you will meet someone who will be the special person that you are seeking to love, marry and start a family. Please do not give up hope. God is good, may He bless you at this time and as you seek to move on.

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