How can I get over a heart ache?
How do you get over a heart ache? I know they say time heals all wounds but who needs time when you’re heart broken? How do you get over an ex- boyfriend when you have to face him practically everyday? It just hurts to see a love that was once there but is not there now. We used to be so close and now we’re practically like strangers.
Advice: How long were you and this guy going together? It is important to know that you are in a grieving process. Some people make closer attachments than others and these are harder to break off. It is also true that the more physically familiar you are to another, the harder it is to break off. I’m pretty sure that is the main reason why the Bible says not to have intercourse or heavy petting until you are married. I don’t know how close the two of you got, but it sounds as though you are now going through a difficult time.
Does your relationship need help?: Talk to a mentor
Do you want to start over?: Facing the future after a major loss
Dr. Ginger
Do you struggle with the deep darkness of depression and find yourself without hope? Talk to us.
I am so sorry that you have had to face that Ewen. It is never easy to discover the person that you thought was special turns out to have a hurtful side to them. It sounds like the friendship ended pretty quickly. Have you had a chance to talk to her to discover what made her so angry? I know it can be hard to face that kind of conversation but it may help you to understand her, your friend and yourself better. If you do have that kind of conversation make sure your expectations of what will result are realistic. Focus on discovering what went wrong, not how can it be fixed.
I would like to share my misery to you guys. I’m 28 now and this feeling that is crushing me from the inside which imho should’ve happened some 8-10 years ago is ruining my life. At first, It felt really great that I’ve found a girl whom I really liked. It’s like all the positive vibes radiates out of her and she fills my empty life. Friends became worried that I’m becoming too obsessed and they tried explaining things like She was just being nice to me. But I see those things as really special especially when it’s just us or even when friends are not looking. The word special may differ from one person to another, I know. I’ve tried to tell this to my best friend seeking genuine advice (never to brag). I never expected that he will Her were having a conversation and I don’t know if everything I’m saying to my friend is leaking out. Then She became mad at me. Calling me immature, know nothing about love, swearing, texting me things that makes me jealous, for sure half of what she’d said is true then she blocked me in a social networking site, so I’ve deactivated my account. But what hurts me is that my feelings never even reached her heart. Everything I did which even I was amazed meant nothing for her. I thought that not playing with other peoples’ feelings and not having sex with anyone makes me a mature man but turns out people looked at it differently nowadays. Maybe they’re together now. She was never my girlfriend and it’s not right to feel hurt like this, but it ruined me. Still hoping that this will be over soon.
To Claire Colvin- I’ m not trying to say ALL 20 something year olds of course…But when a percentage hits a certain number say 70%-80% then it’s no longer a stereotype or generalization it’s pretty much a fact.
However, lets play Devil’s Advocate…Lets say there are couples in their 20′s that find a relationship and get together or married LONG TERM…MY experience is that the men will wish they hadn’t by the time they are in their 30′s.
Where I work the divorce rate is near 80%! The same story always…Small town kids, get married young, have babies, get restless because they didn’t sow their wild oats or because they never got to learn how to work in a relationship and it got stale…They divorce in their 30′s…The guys end up with someone right away so they don’t feel lonely…The wife’s either party and pretend they’re 21 even though they’re NOT or they end up very bitter.
Now it might be different in YOUR area or to your experience but that’s what I have in front of me…I missed the girl I was with but I knew she had to [expletive removed] in order to appreciate things…Just like I used to play with women’s hearts to feel wanted until I had my heart broken.
It’s just human nature…A few have old souls and don’t go through that stage but lets be honest it’s RARE.
Noodles123, That’s an interesting list. While I do agree that sex before marriage definitely complicates things I don’t think it’s fair to say that people in their 20s are not ready to be in relationships. All sorts of 20 year olds can and do form long-lasting loving relationships and many people still get married in their 20s even though that stat continues to get older. I do think that a 20 year age gap is pretty hard to overcome. Maybe not impossible but certainly challenging. I think that dating near your own age is an excellent place to start.
Older now (41) broke hearts, had heart broken…Time does heal everything…But did fall in love with a younger woman whom I spent an amazing time with…All the things I saw adults do in the movies I did for her…BUT I got too close learned to remember the scent of her hair, taste of her lips, the feel of her caress etc…Now 3 years later I still think about her…Wondering why she couldn’t be sweet to me being I did some amazing things for her…then I remembered she’s in her 20′s…So here’s a few rules I picked up:
1. Date near your age
2. If you see some lack of commitment walk
3. If you get to primal it will backfire once they leave
4. Walk away from the person you love who no longer loves you…It’s a lose lose situation and seeing them happy will only hurt you and seeing them lonely will only crush you
5. Careful with the sex if it’s too good it will become an addiction that might ruin you with others later
6. People in their 20′s are usually not ready to be in relationships
Dear Nego, Do you realize that your behavior is not appropriate. You cannot be out sleeping with other women when you are in a relationship with another. This is unacceptable conduct and you need to ask yourself why you are acting and living this way. I cannot think how much hurt and pain you have caused your girlfriend and now you expect her to trust you as if nothing happened or it will not happen again. Here is a link that you and your girlfriend may want to consider reading about rebuilding trust. http://powertochange.com/discover/sex-love/rebuildtrust/comment-page-8/#comment-1858028
good article thank you for posting it for me after a challenging summer i’ve had good friends, my church family and family pray for me and that is how i got through my heart aches its tough but also listening to christian music helped sooth me
Hi people i found my life so messed up. I’ve promised to be faithfull with my girlfriend and yet i went out sleep with quite a number of lady’s. My girlfriend knew about it and so decide to finish with me, i cried out and ask if she could give me one last chance and i will change from my attitudes and behavior, she accepted me again. But I’m still not feeling well, how can i make my girlfriend to trust me again?
Today is 6 months since Ginger died, the hurt is still strong. Dreamt about her yesterday, I was napping and something said”get up you have to go let Ginger in” she was so special that I said she had personality plus. I, loved all my dogs baut there was something extra special about Ginger, maybe it was because I had her from the time she was barley able to walk. She is at peace I am not. Priscilla
I have been going out with a woman for 2 years – I never really felt like I was in love with her or she was the one for me. You can’t fake love so in due course she wisened up and pulled back. Now I can’t stop thinking about her, in other words chasing her. Needless to say, she has pulled back. And says she only wants to be friends. I curse myself I let such a nice woman get out of my life, someone who was so adoring, who gave me so much support. I’m feeling such a loss. I know I was stupid but then I think I didn’t really not fall in love with her on purpose. Do you think I’m just missing her companionship, the comfort of being in an established relationship or have I really fallen in love with her? Perhaps I should never have let the relationship fly with someone I was never really in love with at the start. Please be gentle.
Dear Gosh,
Sorry to hear about your breakup and the sadness you are experiencing at this time because of it. It is very normal to experience the feelings you are facing. You are going through a grieving process that takes time to heal from. Depending upon how close the two of you where and the duration of the relationship makes a huge difference in how you handle the break up and the ability to move on wards.
It sounds as though he had some trust issues and insecurities to begin with. To go behind your back and look over your past calls and to be going through your facebook messages is not a good thing in a supposedly blossoming/healthy relationship. Break ups are hard but it is better to realize that it may not have been the BEST one for you and that is a good thing to recognize. Often people are trapped in unhealthy relationships and then it takes them a long time to become free and healed from such. I have know idea why he was demanding money from you but it was wise that you did not give into his need which allowed his true colors to come through and for you to witness such.
I’m not sure if you read the entire article but the writer suggest a lot of wonderful things you can do in order to move on from the past hurt. I hope that you will put some of the suggestions to work and maybe even take time to read the book she had recommended…”Changes that Heal” by Henry Cloud.
Do you have a few close friends that you can talk to about this break up? It is always good to have a few people to confine in when you are going through a rough season of life and change. It is hard for you to imagine right now but may you come to realize and believe that God is already preparing a wonderful man for your future as you allow Him to heal you from the inside out from this heartache. Have you prayed to God about your heartache and this breakup?
At this time, I would like to pray for you:
Father God, I pray that you will comfort Gosh through this time of loss. I pray that she will find comfort in your loving arms as she opens up to You about her inner sorrow. I pray that You will fully restore her to wholeness and as she moves onward in life You would bless her with a wonderful man that You would want her to be united with. I pray that You will restore her emotions and that Your love, joy and peace settles within her spirit. In Jesus’ name, Amen
hi i have this huge problem my ex boyfriend to be thinks that i cheat on him, oky he traped my phone and he found older messeges of my previous relationships then he freaked out but then i explained what happened that that was before us things were fine after that then of recent he sent me atext that wanted some help financially i couldnt help because i had no money on me he thought that i just didnt want to help him but this is aguy i really wanted to spend the rest of my time with but he doesnt trust me at all he goes through my facebook msgs and now he cant pick my calls not even atext funny thing is he doesnt want to talk about it he told me its over i feel bad i feel like i should lock my self in my room and cry piz tell me wat should i do in order to over come this i love thus guy but it seems its just over between us
Angela, I am so sorry to hear this. What an awful situation you are dealing with. Is there a friend or relative who can come over to be with you right now? It might be a little more bearable if you weren’t sitting there alone. You mentioned that he has come back twice while you’re not home to take things. Are you sure that he only took things that were his? It might be a good precaution to have the locks re-keyed, even just for peace of mind while you sort out what happens next. (Locksmiths charge around $15 a lock for this service.)
I can only imagine how much pain you must be in right now. Is there a pastor you could talk to? Is there a counsellor who might be able to help? It sounds like you have done everything right, everything you could have done and he has made this decision anyway. I wish I could give you the magic words that would bring him back. I can’t do that, but I can pray for you:
Father in Heaven, I pray for Angela right now. You see the ache in her heart. You say in your word that you count all our tears and I know that you have witnessed her pain today. I pray that you would wrap your arms around her. I pray that she would feel the comfort of your love on this horrible day. I pray for a miracle in her husband’s life, that he would come home to her and be a faithful husband. I pray that you would give both of them strength for the road that lies ahead. Thank you for your promise to never, ever leave us. When the world makes no sense at all you offer us peace that passes understanding – crazy, insane peace. I pray that you would bring someone to comfort Angela, someone to sit with her as she goes through this shocking grief. I do not know if this will be a short time or a long time but I thank you that you are at work in it, even now, even in these moments where Angela’s heart is breaking. Be her rock and her strength today God, she’s going need it. Show her that you have not forgotten her. I pray that she would hold on to the words in Isaiah 41:14 which say:
little Israel, do not fear,
for I myself will help you,” declares the Lord,
your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel.
Remind her of the verses that come before that, 9 and 10 which carry your promise:
I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Hold the pieces of her heart together and do not let them fall, don’t let them shatter. I pray that you would give Angela peace enough to be able to rest. Grief is exhausting work. I pray that you would speak to her husband’s heart and show him the truth. Thank you for your presence. Thank you for your love. Draw close to Angela Father, as she is drawing close to you. In your name I pray, Amen.
imy first post was clouded with tears…..i meant to say that even though he was back,,,,he was still in contact with this women!!! yikes im so mad!!my mind is moving faster than my fingers,,,,
I have been through the longest back and forth seperation ever
and now my husband has left me now for the 3rd time,im so sad,and lonely.
i feel like someone has kicked me in the stomach…i have prayed relentlessly and he remained faithful even after coming back 2 times to this other women,im just so so lost….he snuck back while i was at work took his things,and snuck back this morning to get his cats.no text,no good bye nothing?he has completely cut me off with silence and now is gone for good.please someone out thier anywhere have any good words i just dont know what to do anymore.
You know what I reccomend? Exercise! Believe it or not going out for walks 30 minutes a day will help boost endorphines which will make you feel good and help your body heal. When I started exercising I would feel good but then the heart ache would return. It was a tug of war. However, after 1 month of consistant exercise all of a sudden my mood improved greatly, the pain in my chest went away and i felt more positive and greatful for my life. I accepted the situation and I’m moving on.
Believe me I was a total wreck and thought I was gonna have to go on medication. I was stressed, had anxiety, mood swings, couldn’t work, concentrate. The exercise made a big difference and I’m relieved..
Try it!
Hi Nichole, ending love is not easy. There is a deep connection that binds out hearts together. I am sure that part of the pain you feel is that your love for each other was stolen by another girl and your ex-boyfriend when they allowed their infatuation to go too far. And then to have your ex-boyfriend decide to leave you I sure just compounds the hurt and betrayal.
Something you need to guard against is idealizing your ex-boyfriend. I am sure there is much about him that was admirable, but remember he did not have the strength of character to remain true to his commitment of love that he made to you. That reveals a selfishness that will negatively impact any relationship he is in. You do not want to be trapped in a pattern of destruction and hurt like that.
I know it can be hard to heal a broken heart like yours. I want to share with you that your heart can be healed. When I have gone through times of grief and loss I have depended on my relationship with Jesus to bring healing and wholeness. Jesus promised, “Come to me all of you who are weary and weighed down in life, and I will give you rest.” (found in the Bible at Matthew 11:28) He is the one who can help you put aside the pain and find joy in life. Have a look at http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/discoverpurpose/ to find out more about how Jesus can do that for you.
Nicole,
I am a huge believer in the No Contact Policy! It is very hard to not contact the person after a breakup or to ignore their contact attempts, but it is for your protection of your emotional health. If someone has cheated on you, they will do again! You cannot change someone who is dishonest and not loyal. Personal experience. The best you can do is move on and heal from the relationship so you can more forward in your life and have a happy and healthy relationship with someone who does love you!
Not contacting someone is very painful and heartbreaking. If the relationship was not meant to be than it just isn’t. I found by keeping busy, doing some things I enjoyed doing, hanging out with friends and doing something for yourself…like having your nails done, having your hair done, buying that outfit you’ve had your eye on or going to the spa really gives a boost. You may not feel like doing the things you once enjoyed doing or hanging out with your friends, but you will have to force yourself to do those things. It is a loss and it is like going through the grieving process when you have lost a loved one. You need time for your heart to heal from that loss, than you can move forward!
please answr
hi, i am Nichole….i broke up with my boy friend 3 months ago…actual it is him who broke it off…i was devastated. he cheated on, i could not manage what he done to me,i was so angry and heart broken i cursed him out. so i eventually stop talking to him… we weren’t talking to each other for like 3 days ,after that he crawl back into my life i took him back…little after he told me that he was gonna go overseas too work temporarily…i fell bad , cause i really love him i didn’t want him to leave me again…we continued to talk with each other then all of a sudden he send a text to my phone saying that he think someone else is out there who will treat me better then he does….at that point i know that he wants to break up with me again,,,i cried then after i thought of what he said to me…., i felt angry and from right there my feelings for him went away…when he left to go away..he didn’t even text mi to say good bye…now after the three months i am now feeling the pain..i still think about him…its like this feeling is never gonna go away…i missed him dearly….sometime i Wonder if he does.during the 3 months he sent a text to my phone , ” hope am OK”….from there my feelings came back again…all i wanted was love from him. if its not meant to be i need to stop thinking about him.i was with that guy through thick and thin.
Dear hopefullyyours,
I am sorry to hear about your heartbreak and the difficult time you are enduring. Each of us has our own story, and there are many encouraging testimonies on this site. Have you considered connecting with one of our mentors? They would be happy to walk with you through this and be there for you. You can request one online at:
http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
I want to pray for you now: Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for this precious woman. Lord, please draw her closer to Yourself and help her to be acutely aware of Your tender love and affection. Open her eyes to see how You are looking after her, and I pray also that she would find or get more involved in a church family. I pray for friends that would encourage her, study the Bible with her and help her learn about Your goodness and mercy. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
Yes I an in my early stages of heartbreak he wasn’t good for me anyway but the sad partis that we have a two year together an he still tries to find ways to make my life a living hell oh did forget to say we’re goin through a divorce an he’s the one that’s maki.g it messy by taking the things I work hard for that was the woman job to be female….
Thanks for prayer. The house is to quite without Ginger, I look at her picture daily she is deeply missed. I believe she is with the Lord and is once again whole. There will never be another Ginger she will always have a place in my heart, along with the others. Priscilla
Prashant,
I’m glad that you found the article and the comments helpful but sorry that you have experienced such heartache at your young age already. Perhaps it is time to not pursue relationships with men but instead pursue friendships. Sometimes that is much healthier and not nearly as painful.
May I also suggest that you get in touch with our online mentor team and one of the ladies will email you back. Just fill in the form on this page http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
Priscilla I am glad that the marker has been set and looks ok. Grief never goes away, it only hurts a bit less with time.
I, went to Nell and Ginger’s graves today, the marker for Ginger has been set and it looks ok. I say o.k. as knowing that Nell and Ginger are beneath is hurtful, nothing is or will ever be the same.
Friend and neighbor went to Ginger and Nell’s graves with me to the pet cemetery, it is a disgrace, stones and mud still on Ginger’s so we got rid of the stones and raked the dirt smooth , the marker has been waiting to be set for and the owner as much as told me he will set it when he gets good and ready, I am still crying over Ginger. Priscilla
I am just 16 and got the same trouble heartache for not less then 3 times what shall I do?
I got som good points above
Hi Romy, Is it a sin? No. Is it wise? Probably not. There are rare exceptions where a couple is able to overcome a significant age gap, but they are rare. More often than not these relationships do not last. There is going to be a huge difference in maturity, experience, expectations and even finances that you would have to overcome. Ask yourself what it is about her that you’re attracted to. Is it just the way she looks? Is it her fresh outlook on life? Is it perhaps that part of you feels like she would be easier to control or that being with someone so young would mean that you’re always the smart one, the wise one, the one who knows what to do? Be very aware of your motives going on. And remember that in someone so young there’s a higher chance that she doesn’t know who she is yet or what she wants. You might want kids right away and she might be thinking of having them 10 years from now. You’d be 60 then.
I can think of two couples I know that worked out in spite of an age gap of more than 20 years. It can happen. But it is a hard road to walk and one that often ends up alone.
im 50 and got a liking for a 23, is it sin?
Hi Denise and Priscilla, let me invite you to meet together in one of our chat rooms http://powertochange.com/discover/chat There are times when there is a focused topic for those chats but there are also opportunities to have open conversations.
Priscilla, I don’t know if we’re allowed to leave our email in comments…I wish we could reach each other. I am all alone in a new state, just lost my dog last week during post-op recovery with no answers to why he passed away. I’m so lost! I have significant feelings of guilt, not to mention the grief! I have meltdowns everyday :( He wasn’t sick, and he wasn’t expected to go, and I didn’t get to say goodbye to him til after he passed. He died alone, and that’s another story..I trusted in the vet doctors word that he could remain overnight alone. I hesitated and it took me almost an hour to finally leave him there. Oh God, my heart is broken! I cry so much, and the pain is intense :( I wish we had each other to talk to Priscilla. It helps
Denise, I tried to answer your email but the reply just wouldn’t work, Thanks for thinkig of me, I am crying again. Priscilla
Priscilla, I am in the same boat you’re in…please, let’s get in touch with each other for support. :(
You’re right John, it can be helpful to talk with someone when you are feeling heartahce. Let me invite you and Priscilla to talk with one of our online mentors. Just fill out the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor and one of our mentors will get in touch with you by email.
Two months yesterday that “Ginger” died. Thank you for prayer. My heart and house are so empty, I still cry daily. To much heartache in the world. Priscilla
Heartache is not easy to remove. Find someone new to talk too. Im going through it at the moment.
dear priscilla– prayer– my sympathys on the death of your dog. God i pray for comfort for priscilla on the death of her dog comofort her at this time bring other christians along her path to encourage her put your loving arms around her at this time and let her feel your love during this time i pray all of this in JESUS name amen i am praying for you love sharon
Every day I wake up crying, with my heart longing for Ginger, she was the love of my life, my little dog for 14 years. Now she is gone so unexpected and sad she and Callie were family now Callie and I are alone. I have no human family and now one of my pet family. Ginger died on the way to the VEt. clinic my neighbor said: “she is gone’ thoes words still cut though my heart and soul. Prisila
I have cried every day since my little dog had a seizure tat killed her, she was the light of my life and now the light is out. The seizure struck in the evening, try to get hold of a vet in the evening, finally got hold of one but Ginger died on the way there. Vet. didn’t even check for a heart beat, had his assistance do it, then he said “I, am sorry” sorry for what that he was called out of his house at night. My house is empty and my heart broken.
Dear Ben,
Thank you for your comment. You’re right that heartache is no trifling matter and you are also absolutely right that the help we need comes from God, and His words of comfort, reassurance, wisdom and encouragement are available to us in the Bible. May the Lord bless your faith as you seek Him! Some verses I have been mulling over and soothing my heart with are in Ezekiel 37. This is amazing passage where Ezekiel encounters a whole valley of dry bones – what could be more hopeless than a valley of people so long dead that only their dry bones remain? Then along comes God and working in cooperation with Ezekiel, life, flesh and breath are spoken into those bones! This is what God can and does do for broken, lifeless hearts – He speaks to them and transforms them, putting His Spirit into us so that there can be abundant, supernatural life and love (for God is love)! I also find it really encouraging to read Exodus 17. Here we find God is able to bring water from a rock. This passage has always spoken to me about people whose hearts are hard as stone, and it seems they will never be able to love us in return, but God can give them a new heart and from it He can bring love!
In fact, there are so many passages about the outrageous compassion of God, how He consistently goes totally above and beyond to care for the needs of His people and to show them how willing He is to help, to deliver, to heal, rescue and save, that it is actually difficult to find a passage that is not encouraging! Pray that the Holy Spirit will fill you and give you eyes to see what is sometimes hidden in these passages, like treasures or jewels needing to be polished and the Lord will show you wonders I pray.
God bless you!
Seriously? Im looking for verses and the advice is go kayaking? WHO IS JANE AUSTIN???
If the Bible doesnt say anything for heart ache from relationships then just admit it.
Liz,
I’m so sorry to hear about the pain you’re feeling. I too have lost many dogs and I know it can be a very difficult time. Your dog was part of your family. It’s hard to let her go. You said she was suffering and very sick. I know it may not seem like it right now but you’ve made the right choice. If the option was to let her suffer or to put her to sleep and end her suffering you did the humane thing. Pet owners have a tendency of prolonging their animals’ suffering because they don’t want to be in the situation you’re in right now. It’s always hard to think about putting your pet to sleep. It’s a decision you must have come to after a lot of sadness. If you’re having trouble forgiving yourself, think of what your dog struggled with before she died. It was probably very hard for you to watch her go through that. Whether she was young or old, your veterinarian wouldn’t have put your dog to sleep without being of the medical opinion that it was the best thing for the dog. I hope that helps you to know you don’t have to be so hard on yourself. You stopped your dog’s suffering. I’m sure you did all you could for her. I would encourage you to reflect on the wonderful dog you had. I don’t know if she was a part of your life for many years but I hope you’re able to find comfort as you grieve. I’m not sure if you come from a faith background at all but I’d like to pray for you.
Lord God, I pray for Liz as she struggles with the loss of her dog. You know how hard was for her to put her dog to sleep. I pray that you would be a comfort to Liz as she grieves. Lord, you see every tear that falls no matter what we’re upset about and I pray that you would help Liz to get through this tough time. Thank you that you gave Liz her dog for a time and that she cared for her pet so much. I pray that you would give Liz strength and that she would look to you through this sad time. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
how can i get over loosing my little dog she was unwell and we had her put to sleep rather than see her suffer now i cannot forgive myself please help me liz
I agree that healing is a process, and that painful experiences are definitely a teacher. However, I believe it is vital to surrender our pain into the hands of the Lord and let Him guide this process, for I believe He is the Healer, and not us. I cannot heal myself, only Jesus can. Without Him, I am lost and back to a life of striving instead of knowing there is peace in the midst of life’s storms.
Jamie, i wasn’t talking about compliments and happy moments. Of course, there are plenty of them, from the moment you wake up in morning, to the end of the day. We should focus on them, you’re right. But there comes a moment in everyone’s life when… you can disappointed. Heart ache. Breakup. Losing someone dear. Life is a sum of all this, and how we handle them is part of our character. Our courage, our strength to get over somebody, to forget another love … :)
Rise and shine, there is hope, peace and happiness in this world. Just open your eyes and you’ll see it. Healing yourself is a process.
Georgia Ravenna – CEO of Exclusive Guidance
I don’t know that I agree with you Geogry. It is true that lessons and growth come from pain but there is also things to be learned from great memories and positive expereinces. When a young girl is complimented for looking pretty she smiles and radiates appreciation. She will continue to do those things that worked so she can again receive that kind of affirmation.
Once you’ve loved deeply, pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. Pain is a part of the natural healing process. It means that you’re fully aware of the past feelings and the barrier of time that exists between you and your ex.
I’ve introduced a new concept in the healing process: suffer less and live more. This concept has two parts, just as you have guessed.
1. SUFFER LESS
Don’t focus on what is screaming inside you, leave that part in the past.
2. LIVE MORE
Understand that pain is still a line between you and him. Only indifference and independence drops a line that can’t be crossed, emotionally separating you two.
Almost as powerful as love, pain can bring you tears, thoughts but also, it can bring you joy and fulfillment. What’s more important is that pain can bring you power. Internal power, strength.
You’re becoming stronger not thanks to nice and good things, but thanks to difficult and painful obstacles. It’s true. Pain nourishes your strength. Otherwise, how could you grow personally?
Let me tell you something: strength does not come from winning or from great memories. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you’re pushed toward a limit, when you’re facing a real obstacle, that’s developing your strength. And pain is the key to the front door. Period.
Feeling so much pain is a kick-start, you’re not even aware of the fact that your brain, your body feels everything. Whatever you believe, your cells believe it too.
[…] Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain. (Morrison)
So stop consuming yourself in this situation and start working things out until you gain the strength you need. And once you’re there, everything will be more clear.
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Kyle, I know what it is like to feel awkward around girls. There are a couple of things that I would suggest for you. First, relax and don’t build up the tension of the moment. This is just a conversation. It is not determining the trajectory of your life but it is just an opportunity to share about yourself and learn something about someone else. Making this a bigger deal than it actually is will raise your anxiety level and get you flustered.
Second, be yourself. The point of conversation is to share information but if you are trying to be someone other than who you are it will come off insincere and will cause more anxiety as you try and keep up the facade.
Third, talk about things that are important to you and ask questions that will give the girl a chance to share about the things that are important to her. Your purpose is to learn about who she is. So pay attention to what she says. Ask questions that help her to talk about herself.
Small talk is so often about things outside of yourselves and so misses the point of learning about each other. The key to good small talk is turning it towards the way it impacts us. You talk about the weather and share whether it makes you happy, sad. You ask about class to find out what she enjoys or how she feels about the subject, teacher, classmates, etc. Almost every statement a person makes can lead to another follow-up question to discover more.
Kyle, I am betting you are a good student. Use that skill you have for learning to become a student of other people. Learn and remember who they are and what they like/dislike. It will show that you value them which will go a long way in making you an important part of their life as well.
You can do this. It is just a matter of practice, and building confidence.
Simple May,
I actually understand where you are coming from. I used to experience a lot of anguish and lingering feelings over old (long-term) boyfriends. I was in a solid and loving relationship that I had committed to but still had feelings for people I had been in a relationship with prior in my life. Then it hit me – I was the one who was keeping those old flames alive. It wasn’t fair to my existing relationship and commitment. The longer I spent mentally thinking about old flames, the more I remembered them and the relationship we had. I was the one keeping that alive. And, you may have heard it before, but we tend to remember much good from the past and tend to forget the bad. I personally had to remember that I CHOSE to end those relationships and I had to trust that I made good decisions in the past. It sounds like you and John were very much in love and therefore you made a decision to be committed to him. And you are committed to him now in your marriage. Keep focusing on that relationship and understand that you have to loose the hold you still have on Steve. One thing I used to do, was when I was having issues with my relationship, I’d think back on old relationships and that got me into a lot of mental trouble because I wasn’t focusing on bettering my relationship but daydreaming about a past thing. Let it go and you will find freedom. Stop those thoughts when they enter your mind. Forgive yourself and trust yourself. Ask God to help you loose those thoughts. He helped me tremendously.