My husband is losing interest in sex
Before we got married, sex was great. We used to have sex at least once per day. Within a week after the marriage he began to lose interest in it. Now it is once per week or once every 2 weeks, and when we do it it doesn’t seem like he wants to. It feels as though he is just doing it because I want to. He claims he is stressed about money, but I don’t understand why this would change the sex part of the relationship. In other areas as well, regarding my friends, where I go and with who, he has been controlling and yells at me on a regular basis. Things that he said he liked about me before we were married are now a problem for him. I am worried and stressed and I feel so unattractive. I have never had a problem like this with a man before. Do you have any advice on why this type of thing happens? Is this a common thing? What can I do to make things better. I feel as though we are growing apart, which is sad.
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Advice: Men do change. We’d suggest that you seek a good marriage counselor. Ask your husband to come along to help you see the things that you do that stress him out. At first you need to own all of the problem, as it is necessary to get him there. When he yells start making a list of what the issues are. For some reason he seems to think that he has fallen off the hero pedestal. He is either frustrated or feels rejected, so he gets angry, which is a guys’ way of handling problems. The most of it is probably about him, but if you accuse him, he will only try to get more distance. Let us know how it goes.
tt,
One of the issues that you will find if you decide to stray because you are bored in your existing relationship that you will destroy your wife. The feeling of excitement will wear off and you will be left with a giant feeling of guilt and when your wife finds out which she will it will add insult to injury and whatever sex life you did have will no longer be there.
When we focus our lives and minds on the things of Christ then the Holy Spirit will give you a new found joy in your life and even your boring sex life will seem to improve as you are living for a higher purpose instead of physical gratification.
God Bless
Hi tt,
I am a mentor for this site, and am glad that you wrote in about this. The older I get (and we have grandchildren now), the more I see that sex is a very big issue in society. It is normal for both sexes to crave for a change of partners at some time or other, yet the Bible forbids it! The temptations to look for someone else can be a real test of faith, which leads to Spiritual growth. To build up a marriage, rather than to look for a way to cheat, may be difficult but very rewarding. My wife & I found that our marriage was struggling and we had sex only once / month. Then God gave us the opportunity to participated in a Bible study for married couples. We had to do homework together, which wasn’t easy, but God needed to do a work in both our hearts. I recommend you look on the internet for a class near you: The course is called “Married For Life”, taught by Marriage Ministries International, with University of the Family. It is a 9 week course, is interdenominational, and students are admitted twice / year. The best introduction is by hearing those who have just completed it, and that is also the time to enroll. By taking the “MFL” course we were able to again find one-another. We took it several times and were in a position to teach it when my wife was called to a position in another province, and a heavy work-load prevented us from teaching. Maybe God just did that for us so we could be blessed.
As we both are drawn closer to God, we are drawn to one-another! It is amazing what that does for a marriage relationship. The self-esteem of both is boosted, and love is restored.
I think we need to now and then ask ourselves why we are here and where we want to go. A prayer for God to give us the long-range-view or the bigger-picture, can lead to a change in attitude. The desire to “…try something different on the menu” is deemed foolish or even lost.
God has a plan for each of us. Now I wish I’d sought to know God more intimately sooner in life! But I am blessed in that He is now “restoring to me the years that were wasted.” Let me close with the words of Jesus from Luke 11:9-10 “So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.” NIV.
It is normal for some men to loose their interest with sex after a while with the same person. Sometime we need to try something different on the menu.
A lot of men are losin interest in sex these days so don’t take it so personally. Increasing social stress due to work, family, changing gender roles, etc has a big effect on pride and thus libido. also, a lot of men are tired of all the drama and questioning the benefits they get from women. Same for women. So I expect to see a huge spike in asexuality in the near future where people will no longer have to deal with others’ issues and focus on their own happiness.
I don’t know how long ago this was written and don’t know if your marriage is still intact but from what you’ve described your husband sounds like he’s got some very manipulative ways about him. You suggest he’s annoyed or jealous about the time you spend with your friends but before he didn’t mind it and now he withholds sex from you. Or doesnt act very interested. What it sounds like he’s doing is punishing you – now that you are “his property”…and no longer just his GF. He sounds controlling and making excuses about money, is… just that, an excuse to deflect what is really going on. He knows it’s putting you off-center and confusing you and that’s what narcissistic types do. They BLAME you and sabotage all your efforts to make sense of things. If he doesn’t knock this kind of behavior off – get out and get out fast!! Don’t think you can out wit or outsmart him. Narcissists always have to maintain control and are usually two steps ahead. They don’t know how to truly love or give – it’s all conditional and based on what you can do for them, or rather, how they can control you enough to satisfy their need to annihilate your self esteem which is always the outcome. These are very warped individuals and they CANNOT maintain normal relationships with anyone, especially ‘intimate’ ones. An extreme narcissist may even fall into the category of pyschopathic…so be careful if you do think about leaving, plan your exit strategy in secret. Tell him nothing and don’t let on to anything…just leave and NEVER again make contact with him unless its done for legal reasons and only use a PO box in another town. Sorry to be such a downer but I’ve known these types and have seen the damage they do and it’s terrible. Good luck.