How to Talk to the Broken Hearted
Not sure why you are going through this personal tragedy? Searching for why God is doing this? Take our Life Lesson called “Built By Brokenness” and find some answers that you have been searching for.
After losing our twins girls at 20 weeks gestation, my world completely fell apart. As I gingerly attempted to reintegrate my new, raw reality with the life I used to know, I often found it jarring. Relationships that used to just work felt awkward. Sometimes words that meant to comfort felt like sandpaper to my soul, and surprisingly, people I barely used to know became life-long friends.
My loss had made me an outsider to many. While friends and family wanted to support us, they didn’t know how. How do you help someone whose world has fallen apart? What do you say when your friend has just said goodbye to her first two babies? How do you come alongside someone as they try to make their way back?
I knows it’s awkward being around someone who’s grieving. It was awkward for me too. This is what I wish I could have told my friends when the pain was raw and new. The pain is familiar now, which makes it easier to breathe. I wish that no one else would ever know what pain like that feels like, but sadly I know that someone somewhere is probably feeling it right now. If you know someone who is grieving, I hope this can help you as you try to help them.
Please don’t say that…
My heart has been shattered, my world forever changed. The me you knew is gone, and I am still discovering the new and very different me. I know I am not easy to be around right now, and I find it hard to express what I need and how I feel.
- Please don’t tell me how “So-and-so” coped with grief.
- Don’t tell me you understand, or suggest how my grief journey should be. My pain is unique, and my journey will be also. It may not look anything like what yours would look like.
- Please do not judge.
- Don’t compare my loss to the loss of your grandmother, your pet dog, or even your favourite teacher. It is different … each loss is. Comparing only makes me feel alienated from you.
Do not tell me “All things work for the good …” or “Everything has a purpose …” or “God let this happen for a reason…” Although all these things may be true, I am not in a place where hearing them is helpful right now. When life falls apart, well-intentioned people use these words to try to right the world again. My world is completely upside-down. Words cannot put it back the way it used to be. I have not turned my back on God; church just is a tough place to be right now. When sitting at church I feel very alone with my pain.
Please don’t try to make me feel better by “looking on the bright side”. I would give anything to be exhausted from sleepless night or chasing after a screaming toddler. Having no responsibilities and a “pre-baby” body are not all they are cracked up to be.
These things help
Talking about my lost children is always a good thing. Don’t feel that you are “reminding me of pain” – I never forget. Talking about them validates their existence; it brings back all the positive memories. When you talk about them, it gives me the freedom to talk back and I need that.
I need to laugh – sometimes at the same time as needing to cry. Please let me do both.
I am excited for you when you are happy. Even when that might involve an aspect that is sensitive to me – like a new pregnancy. There are days when I won’t be able to articulate this well, but it is always true. I will always be excited for you, although sometimes my excitement might be overshadowed by my pain. Please don’t hold back your excitement because of me; it doesn’t make me feel better.
I need you right now. I don’t always say it, and find it tough to reach out, but more than ever I need to know I am loved and prayed for. Please don’t stop calling me, even when I don’t call you back. Sometimes dialling the numbers is just too much for me, but I always appreciate the thought. Do tangible things for me … do not just offer to help. Normally an offer would be enough, but right now getting up in the morning, taking care of basic tasks, and somehow making it through each day take every bit of energy that I have. Even if I desperately need help, asking might be more than I can bear.
My grief will not disappear, I will not “get better”. It will change, it will morph, but it will not go away. Sometimes the grief is a raging monster, obvious to all, making it difficult to do even the simplest things like breathe. At other times grief silently sits in the corner, biding his time. Others can’t see him, but I still know he is there – leaving a quiet dull ache in my soul. As time goes on, there are more quiet days than not, but grief is always there, even when you can’t see it.
I have been forever changed by grief. The “me” that used to exist is now changed. There are a few more rough edges; I am not as tidy as a package. But I am still me … and I need you to accept this new version. I did not choose this path that I am on; I would not have ever chosen it. The only choice I have left is what to do with it – and I am in the process of figuring that out. I am on a journey and need you to support me on my path.
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[...] How to Talk to the Broken Hearted [...]
Thank You for this article.
This will help immensly when speaking to a grief stricken friend. I tend to avoid such people because I never know what to say and don’t want to deepen their pain by saying the wrong thing.
Also I try to minimize something that makes me happy because I felt that I was rubbing my happiness in that persons face when they were so unhappy.
Thank you for being so open. This article will help a lot of people.
May God Bless you and yours.
I just got out of the hospital so this may be a little ..weird or whatever. YOU editors dont delete me , let me finish first..ok??Maybe this can help someone..maybe . I was going to commit suicide this month and end all this pain and emptyness. Hopeless..??that is my middle name it seems . there are a couple of sites to help you get past this ..i am worthless and just want to die now thing. One of them is this site. I came here some years ago and just didnt believe that God would ever forgive me and..mostly i just didnt deserve
God or beauty or love from Him or anyone. I was looking for a site to help me ..end this and this site came up. After leaving for some years and ..trying some of the old me things..drugs and booze.. doctors and medication…and therapy..with someone i really couldnt.. sorry a male.. confess things i reallyneeded to…. just give up!! For many years i heard you are worthless and useless and no one cares.. i still kept fighting the depression and the bad thoughts and pulled myself up by the bootstrings so many times. I just stuffed..evrything. Something happened to..it killed my spirit and my soul..though the same things happened to me many times. ..I alwasys had the ..strength to get past it. ONe day after everything when i realized my soul and everything was empty. I gave up. I thought satan would come to own me again but…SUPRISE.. it was God..somehow there once again!! anyway there is another site to help you..maybe just get past the ..”moment”..or whatever. Suicide.com..it has helped me some. Check it out the next time you feel you would be better off dead or are just needing something or someone to talk to. It is a good site. I went to a new therapy group this week. I pulled in to a parking space and wasnt sure it was the right place and was just going to leave..i felt the old things come over me ..its a waste of time, in just not worth it..and i was ging to leave..when i turned to the left to check traffic ..i saw their sign. Seems God takes care of even the small things. I went in..depressed and full of pain..and the anxiety was..unbearable and once more..satan was there helping the anxiety along and all..but i went in anyway. I filled out all the paperwork and answered all the questions honestly. They talked to me for a while and kept coming back to the ..suicide thing.. again and again. Iknow what they were looking for but i made a promise…to God.. that i would give this a chance with the new meds they put me on. So i signed a “contract” .. though silly i thought it was..I said i would call my brother or them if i..”got bad” again. The battle now is worse than anything i have ever felt..i cant sleep again except for a couple of hours..but i think i can hold on with Gods help now i hope.. So..dont quit.. God really is there for you. I have felt His love and ..nothing..nothing can compare with it.Though i have to admit my darker half is fighting me now .. and i am weak.. i can only keep praying to God for strength now and with these new meds and the counseling..i pray it will be enough..for now .
With God all thing are possible, He has never fell. He will never fell.
One with God is mejority.
Nancy – I will certainly join others who are praying for you as well. I know it is always important that we say the right things or what I should say is, TRY to say the right things. The one thing I have found is that there was a time when I was on the “other side of the tracks” so as to speak, and finding the right things to say didn’t always come out just right even though my heart was in the right spirit. Now that I am on “this side of the tracks” I can understand the other people and mourn with them and cry with them and even laugh at times with them or as my dear, dear friend has done – - – - simply sit with me and say nothing but just be there. God is very, very good and will never leave you (Heb. 13:5). Making some cookies and taking a half dozen on a pretty plate and being with her for a wee bit will lift her spirits in ways that you will never know. The Lord will strengthen you and bless you as you go. In His Hands.
How timely from God through you ….. I am going to ‘phone a lady today who has recently been given a “non-operative” CA diagnosis …. please pray for me as I hope to visit with this dear one.
My heart weeps with you – with each of you. I am a mentor for Power to Change. I understand Grief. I know that the foundation is GRIEF. But from that comes many kinds and forms of grief, depending upon the loss, depending upon the depth, depending upon the person and also the Lord Jesus Christ in the life. My husband went Home to be with our Lord June 20, 2008. That Valentines Day of 2008, we had been married for 41 years. WONDERFUL YEARS!!!! He was a man of great integity, understanding, patience with me and my greatest and closest friend. The pain that came felt as though some one had taken their large fist and rammed it into my chest, opened up their hand, grabbing any thing it could grab and yanking it out, leaving a gapping hole. One could not know what had been yanked out and so one did not know how to treat the wound. It took time….it took the Lord. In His Word, He says, “And He shall be the stability of your times” (Isa. 33:6). I have a dear, dear friend who would say, “Marge, come when you need to or I will come and meet you and talk as you want or say nothing. I will simply be the human there for you”. Some times we cried together. Some times we just sat together. Some times I said things that were not very nice, but she didn’t turn away from me, she understood. Some times I would drive for hours. I would yell. I would scream. I would cry. The Tsunami in my soul seemed never to let up and yet most of all my Lord never left my side during those horrible first year days without my spouse. “I will never ever leave you nor forsake you” (Heb. 13:5). He cannot lie. He will never leave me…….or you. Our times are different – our ways are different – our grief is different and yet in God’s sight, He is sufficient for each need whatever and however it might be. Praise His wonderful, Holy, majestic Name even when you don’t feel like it.
This article is so true..i had lost 6 baby girls through miscarriage and stillbirth and people avoided me, avoided conversations about my babies, my sister in laws would get pregnant and be afraid to tell me..i felt terrible, i was isolated. i was happy for them, but hurt for myself….it is a horrific thing to endure because the baby is ONLY known by the parents…it has not been born and many don’t consider it a real terrible loss…but not only is your baby gone, but dreams, plans, names, ideas, are all dead too…..a woman who loses a baby goes through tremendous grief, not to mention the physical side, which takes a toll on the body with nothing to show for it, but the weight, hormone fluctuations, swollen belly and breast with milk for no one to enjoy….my biggest problem when experiencing my loss, was someone saying to me” were you lifting something”, what were you doing.???…as if to put the blame on me for my loss…..or God must have needed her more……sometimes it is best to say nothing…just sit with the woman and let her cry, scream, yell, complain,curse God…whatever..just let her grieve!
Thank you for sharing, this article with help so many people that are going threw pain and suffering. May God continue to bless each an everyone that has experience this kind of pain. Jesus will be our comfort, alway their to pick us up. We are human and will take time.
My only addition is, please listen and not offer advice. Just love and listen. We need to talk out our pain and know we are heard, without being made to feel guilty for putting a burden on the listener. Honor our pain by listening and crying with us.
I am so sorry for your loss. I had a baby that was stillborn at 20 weeks also. She would be 16 this Christmas! I am so thankful that you took the time to share your feelings and I can say that I could relate to every single one of them. You were able to put into words exactly what I felt. Every time I hear or read of someone else’s pain due to a miscarriage or stillbirth, it makes my pain fresh again. So many people try to be helpful at times like that but they simply would be better off just to say nothing or to simply say “I’m sorry” and give you a hug. I especially could relate to your need for people to validate your babys’ lives. I just want to leave you with a thought that was SO comforting to me….you gave your precious babies the greatest gift that you could ever give them…you gave them life….and because of that life…they now have eternal life in Heaven with Jesus. God Bless you.
Thank you for sharing your feelings of grief in losing your children. Both my daughter and my daughter-in-law had miscarriages. My daughter grieved deeply because as women, we quickly bond to that baby that is inside of us. Her pain deepenly when she was told by extended family that she could always have another child. How hurtful! My daughter-in-law doesn’t share her feelings very easily so she suffered mostly in silence. No one can truly understand your deep pain but thankyou for sharing your feelings. This will help others to know that they are not alone. May God be with you in your darkest moments.
I have lost two adult children, and I just want you to have the hope I did not realize at the times of my childrens deaths; the road is long and hard, it does get better. You will always miss your children, but you will reach a new point of normalcy. Others will think, and some may even say, that you are back to your old self, but you are right you will never be the same again. The changes that take place are not preceivable to others, but the change is none the less real. You will see every day things differently, it is not explainable, but having been there you know the difference. On the special days of the year everyone begins to walk on eggshells, which only deepens the pain that day brought. Some days you wake up and you child is, (children are) on your mind, and they are there all day long. But there comes a time when the memories you awaken with are the good ones. Usually know one knows this once nothing day has become a special day just this once. My surviving daughter and my husband have these days to. and yes God is great he heals our wounds, but it does take time, lots of time. And when friends walk around in protect mode when they are around you is the -in my case – the absolute worst thing they can do. They need to let us talk when we need to and be silent when we need them to be, but to follow our lead no matter how nutty we may seem.
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I am glad that this article expressed your feelings as well Jenni and that you will share it with your pastor and others. It’s so helpful to be able to talk about what we need or don’t need in the midst of our grief and sometimes it is just easier when someone else has already written it down for us.
Thank you so much for that! I recently lost my angel Hannah who was born still. Hannah was our 4th baby to go to heaven. We have two living children.
Absolutely every word of what you have written is how I feel. People just don’t understand. I try to be patient with people as they say really stupid things, but it is soooo hard. Makes me want to just retreat!
I will be sharing this with a few people including our pastor who has not experienced much personal grief and needs to understand this. He thinks that I should just pick a date on the calendar and then be over it!
Thank you again, and Bless you!
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