My husband says I’m too fat
My husband has been bothering me for the past year about my weight. I have gained thirty pounds since I met him. I have asked him to stop bothering me about it but two days ago he told me that I he was not sexually attractive to him because I was so fat. He said that because of my obesity he has not wanted to be with me. I still have a good shape and plenty of men like the way I look. I wear a size 14 for my height of 5’3. I am so angry at him that I have not spoken to him. I don’t want to see, touch, hear, or be near him because of what he said. I am seriously thinking of getting out of this marriage because I have my whole life ahead of me. Maybe if he got counseling I would reconsider trying to work things out but right now I do not want to. We have had large arguments before, but he said that if I keep gaining weight he will leave me.
Advice: Does your weight interfere with your health? Do you have trouble doing the things that make life fun for you? Are you not able to function as well on the job or in your recreation? The longer it takes you to get that 30 pounds off, the more it will affect your gall bladder, knees, etc. Focus on your goals and let him see that you are enjoying life, even if he has a narrow focus. Pick up the book, Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. Write us back after you read the book and we will suggest how to get him into counseling and how to make communication the issue.
Tia, It must be very hard to hear him say things like that. It sounds like you are trying really hard and he is not supporting you in that. It concerns me that he didn’t seem to take your health scare very seriously. Spouses are supposed to care about each other, they’re supposed to be there in moments just like that when you’re scared and worried. Has he always been this way or has his behaviour changed recently? Have you considered seeing a marriage counsellor? It sounds like you have tried to talk to him about these things but he is not hearing you. A counsellor can help you find ways to communicate with him better. When you married he promised to be there in sickness and in health. Gaining weight doesn’t release him from his promise. Good and bad, fat and thin, that’s what marriage is. It’s being there when things are bad and celebrating together when things are wonderful. It sounds like perhaps his comments about your weight could be masking something else. A counsellor can help you work through that and get to a healthier place in your relationship.
He has to say comments about my weight and makes faces at food I am about to eat. He can have a piece of cake but I can’t.
I have a thyroid problem and a rare condition that makes me gain weight. I am struggling everyday to not put on anymore weight. I am tired from the thyroid and the medication is not working. I am eating foods to help. I have to take steroids too and those swell you up even more not to mention the rare condition I have swells you up.
Then I have to hear I am too fat. I tell him I am trying but not doing well and was told by doctor that my thyroid medication is not working. He said he doesn’t believe it. I said he should go talk with my doctor.
I put eveything on hold for him when he has to go to the doctor. I was by his side when he got ill. I was not feeling well and was trying to get in to see my doctor. Was even going to ER if doc could not see me. All my husband could say is he gave his word to his job and had to go to work. I was having severe chest pain and was worried it was my heart. I was correct. I did get in to see my doctor and my heart rate was way too low. (because of thyroid)
Then rather than listening to or asking what the doctor said he was pissed because I didn’t pick him up on time. I am worried about my health. There is a history of bad heart in my family. I am worried because I have no medical insurance.
Then to top that off, all he could talk about was meeting up with a young lady friend of ours. We did meet up with her. I was not feeling well and wanted to go lay down but he was obsessing and telling me to text her.
I kept seeing him checking her out. And yes she is skinny. And a very nice person.
And nomally he wants to hurry up and leave but he wanted to go up to her apartment at 2:30am and still not any concern of how I felt after complaining of chest pain and seeing the doctor that morning.
I just feel like it is very important to him to be physically attactive.
I see the pictures of girls he looks at on almost a daily basis.
He isn’t interested in me sexually without looking at pictures of skinny pretty girls. I don’t want to be naked in front of him anymore. I don’t want to eat in front of him either anymore. I just want to crawl up in a corner and cover up and cry.
One of the things that I have found in my marriage is that there are a lot of issues that can move us from working together as a team to seeing each other as the enemy and duking it out. That is a dangerous shift that often leads to walls between us that are really hard to break down. We have found that we need to constantly as individuals and as a couple reframe our perspective on those issues and find ways that we address the problem as a team rather than as enemies. It takes a lot of talking things through so that we both understand the other person’s perspective and feel that each of us has been understood.
While I understand the hurt that your husband has caused you, Madison, your commitment to vengeance is going to build a very solid wall between you. If you think through the consequences of that attitude carried out you see a marital arms race building up, each partner justifying their actions because of the actions of their spouse. There is never any winner in that scenario.
How have you understood your husband’s desire for you to lose weight? Have you discovered why he thinks his position is justifiable? I am guessing that he is not just a cruel selfish man but he has something inside of him that makes this a priority. Have you been able to help your husband understand why his comments have been so hurtful? When I say help I mean communicating with the attitude that he is a loving man and if he is helped to understand he will want to do something to heal that hurt. I don’t see you as the kind of person who would have married a man with a cruel abusive nature so I have to assume that your husband has a heart that would feel regret for causing you pain.
In my marriage, it has made a big difference that both of us have been changed through our relationship with Jesus Christ. His interaction in our lives has helped us to fight against the tendency of seeing each other as enemies and sacrificing ourselves for each other. Jesus set the example for us, “Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself. Don’t think only about your own affairs, but be interested in others, too, and what they are doing. Your attitude should be the same that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not demand and cling to his rights as God. He made himself nothing; he took the humble position of a slave and appeared in human form. And in human form he obediently humbled himself even further by dying a criminal’s death on a cross.” (quoted from the Bible, Philippians 2:3-8) Jesus helps us to love each other (and others for that matter) the same way that He loved, by sacrificing ourselves for them. It is a radical way of living but it is amazing what a difference it makes in relationships. When I think about how much Jesus loved me and the lengths that He went to in order to impact my life with that love I am inspired to live that same way in my marriage and in all my other relationships as well. I don’t always pull it off, but the more I look to Jesus for help the better I am able to follow His example.
My husband and I got started dating two years ago, and got married one year ago. When we started dating, I was a bit curvy – about 135 lbs on a 5’5″ frame. By our wedding, I dropped to below 130 – but I was exercising two hours every day and had a lot of free time. We opened a business and got married at the same time, which has been terribly stressful. It was so stressful, I started suffering from old health problems, largely attributed to exhaustion. When winter hit, I stopped going to the gym and started sleeping more. My life was divided entirely between work, my home, and rest. It worked! I didn’t get sick, I maintained my sanity enough to create a successful business with him. He, also, gained weight during this time. He went back to the gym around the time that I quit and has since lost some weight – he looks good. But he isn’t as cut as he was when we got married. The six-pack is forever gone – and I’m ok with that. When he was chubby and breaking out from stress, I loved him anyway. But now that I’ve put on 10 lbs since our wedding, he’s decided that I’m not attractive enough to have sex with. He also criticizes me daily- especially my legs and bottom. I’m pear shaped, so most of my weight goes to the butt, but it’s not overwhelming. I’m still a very pretty woman, and I’m not fat. I’m just a little rounder than the hard-body miss six-pack I was a year ago. I don’t eat crap, drink, or smoke. I watch my diet, which is why I haven’t gained more. My clothes still fit, even if more snug than before. I don’t understand this concept of only loving and respecting me when I look like I could be in a runner’s magazine. Sometimes life is hard and other things take priority – I have been chubby, skinny, fit, rockin – I have been all of these things at different times depending on what is happening in my life. And I’m ok with it. It is what it is. And I’m ok with him going through similar shifts. We both like to exercise and eat right – but sometimes there isn’t time or energy. When the time and energy are available, we always return to healthier habits. I’m not concerned about obesity. But he can’t even tolerate minor weight fluctuations – it makes me wonder how he’ll react to my post-baby body, when I’m carrying an excess 30 lbs. What abuse will I suffer then? I’ve decided to do what some other women are doing on this site – I’ll lose that weight, make my money, and when he wants some action, he can go straight to hell for ever making me feel like less of woman for simply having more flesh at one time versus another.
ALl you women whose husbands are saying you are too fat should leave them immediately. It is obvious that they are making you this way because they are lowering your self esteem. You will notice if you take control of your own life instead of them having control that you will become happier and lose any excess weight although I don’t think a size 14 is in any way fat!
It seems that women on here are being told to take their husbands to counselling etc…stay together no matter what. Well I disagree. Is that allowed? It is not sinful to leave your husband if you are being abused!!!! If a couple have children and the husband is abusing his wife psychologically then he is also abusing the children because she is their mother!!!! Get out ladies while you still have some dignity and take your children away from the abuse!!! Do you want your daughters to end up with the same kind of husband? Abuse is not to be tolerated in a marriage and the sooner these men get the message the better.
My husband has been hinting for me to loose weight for years. He watches me eat and asks me if I worked out today. This afternoon he texted me and told me that he had found some weight loss product and would I like him to bring it home. He says he is concerned about my health but to me it just seems hurtful. I was a size 8 when we met and now I am a size 10. I have a little fluff but I like me this way. When I was a size six in my early 20′s I felt like I had no curves. I didn’t feel like a woman. I count my calories and exersize regularly. I am almost 40 now. I can not get my body to change unless I am exersizing 2 hours a day and eating 1200-1600 calories. I can not sustain that for very long and always slip right back. I am exauhsted from trying to pound my body into something that it isn’t…..meanwhile, he says he is only worried about my health. What about my peace of mind?
Mandy I would give you similar advice. Most husbands do not want to hurt their wives but they just do not how best to help. By working together not only do you help him be more helpful but you also can know his intentions and don’t have to hear things as hurtful. It is a team effort that is based on clear open communication and a desire to make your marriage strong.
God is so good at helping us do that. In the Bible we read that we should “love one another, and work together with one heart and purpose. Don’t be selfish; don’t live to make a good impression on others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself. Don’t think only about your own affairs, but be interested in others, too, and what they are doing. Your attitude should be the same that Christ Jesus had.” (Philippians 2:2-5) Jesus was willing to humble Himself in order to help others. He is the great example that all of us should emulate. When we ask God to help us He promises to make a change in our hearts so that we can better reflect the character of Jesus. Give Him a chance! You will never regret it.
If you want to know more about how God can change your heart so that you reflect the character of Jesus talk to one of our mentors. You will find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor.
Hazel, one of the biggest attitudes you can have in a marriage is that you and your spouse are a team. When you face an issue rather than allowing it to put you on opposite sides, try to reframe it so that it is something that the two of you are working toward together. If you see the value in being more fit than that is already half the battle. The first step then is changing the way you hear your husband’s words about you so that you aren’t hearing that he is trying to hurt you but that he is trying to help you. It doesn’t matter how he changes his words, if you are already feeling like his words are hurtful than anything he says gets colored with that attitude. You need to make an intentional effort to expect the best from him.
The next step is to talk with him and strategize how the two of you can overcome this issue together. What are the things that he can do that will help you be motivated to change. What are the words that he uses that are hurtful (remember you have to change how you hear it but he may also be able to choose different words and ways of saying them that will help you.) You need to help him know how best to help you. Let him know what words will be more acceptable to you. Let him know when are the best times to say something and when to keep his mouth shut. Are there ways that you can exercise together so that it is giving you more opportunity to be together?
I am sure the more you both get into this the more ideas you will have about working on this as a team. Get creative! Laugh about your successes and failures! Banish the thoughts from your head that pit you as enemies. Commit to working together and always thinking the best of each other. God said, “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a suitable helper for him.” (Genesis 2:18) So right from the beginning God had intended that husbands and wives work together to help each other. So ask for God’s help in making that a reality in your marriage. Believe me, He will!
Lord God, I ask that You would help Hazel and her husband to fight past the feelings of hurt and animosity and choose to work together on this. Give them creative ideas of how to work as a team and then give them the strength to hold fast to those convictions. Use this as a model for transforming other areas in their marriage and to discover how You can make a difference in all aspects of their lives. Amen.
I can totally relate. Two meds I was on for a short time caused me to gain access 30 lbs in 6 wks my triglycerides are now in the 600′s. 13 wks later I’m off the meds but I have 30+ lbs to lose I was already overweight to begin with but my tall slender hubby was OK with it. I was a size 18 now I’m a 24/25. It’s debilitating and embarrassing enough but now my hubby will have nothing to do with me in the bedroom not even a kiss goodnight. He says the weight doesn’t bother him but his actions speak otherwise. Now he talks about when I was a size 9 when we married and before I gave birth to our son now I am expected to lose 100 lbs because I gained 30 unexpectedly due to some meds I was on. To make matters worse I sprained my right ankle 10 days ago dr put me in a boot so I can’t exercise which will only prolong my weightless. If anyone has advice men or women I’d love to hear it. Thank you.
My husband and I are going through the same thing.. I’ve been googling similar experiences to make sense of this in my mind. See, the thing is, I can TOTALLY appreciate my husband wanting me to get fit. He himself is very fit. But he makes me feel bad about myself. Its not like he compliments me or anything. He don’t because he reserves his attention for other women. I myself am highly attractive and curvy. I just don’t get it… He married me at the weight that I am now. Its not like he married me and I put on all this weight.. I just don’t know anymore…….
Unfortunately Dan, there is not much You can do…she has to want it for herself or it will never work. Nagging our spouse about their weight usually just results in a lot of hurt feelings, and not a lot of weight loss. Instead perhaps you can motivate her to start moving more…going for walks together, enjoying nature, that kind of thing. Maybe once she realizes how difficult it is to do things together she might get more motivated to work on losing it on her own.
Not really sure what to do. She knows her weight is not healthy, but so far she has not had health issues due to her obesity apart from the fact that she gets out of breath easily and has a hard time being active due to her bulk. She tells people she has gained weight because she is happy and that she has “fat genes.” I can’t think of any way of motivating her to have to “suffer” through months or years of dieting. Even if she lost 100 pounds, she would still be in the seriously obese of morbidly obese range. Given her personality and gluttony, I don’t see much hope.
It is a balance isn’t it Dan of how we can be loving and accept our spouse for who they are and also be an encourager who helps them to become all that they can be. One balance may work well for one couple but be destructive for another. So how do you help your wife at this point?
Although your husband’s stance seems harsh, I sometimes wonder if I didn’t do my wife a disservice by not taking a harder line with her when she started gaining weight. When we met, she was on the plump side, weighing about 135 at 5’1″. During our first few months together she gained another 10 pounds. I encouraged her to lose weight and she eventually got down to 115 before our wedding. After the wedding, however, she started putting on weight pretty quickly and by our first anniversary, she was back up to her previous weight of 145. I thought about saying something to her about it, but we were in love and happy so i kept my mouth shut. Within a couple of years, she had reached 200 pounds and now, ten years later, she is over 300 pounds. She doesn’t seem bothered by her size and doesn’t make any effort to lose weight or curb her overeating. Maybe she wouldn’t have spoken to me for a week, but if I had been tougher on her after that first year, perhaps she would not have eaten herself into such a state of obesity and wouldn’t get winded climbing a flight of stairs at age 36.
Thanks Jamie,
You are right that we need to be an encouragement on this site. I still want to encourage my sister that marriage is about very many things among them: prayer, family issues, companionship, friendship, Church, encouragement, children, happiness, beauty but to mention afew. If we took care of all these issues, we would consider the area of contension not major. We need to know that we cannot be perfect and that every human being has positives and negatives all of which must be appreicated and some negatives may be improved on such as manners or characteristics. Some may not be improved on much such as height, weight, tone, looks among others. If we are very sincere and love our spouses, we can encourange them to improve on the weaker areas but celebrate more on the potives. Imagine a situation where a married woman is godly, hard-working, a loving wife, wonderful mother, respectful, generous, etc, but her only weakness is the fact that she is FAT. Why should we disqualify such a person? The word of God tells us that the greatest commandment is ‘LOVE’. There are many virtues to celebrate, let us enjoy the company of our loved ones, just the same way God would enjoy our company despite our shorfalls.
Hi b, while I appreciate your desire to be honest with other people here on this forum, you have made some assumptions that resulted in you posting some hurtful accusations. This forum is meant to be a place for encouraging one another, debate on issues, and sharing our stories. We don’t want to have people accused by someone who is not familiar with the details of their circumstances. Please refrain from those kinds of comments.
[Edited due to some hurtful accusations]
It hurts alot especially when it is a loved one saying negative words that reflect lack of love and appreciation about one that is meant to be ‘one’ with him/her. This is because I look at a spouse as the best friend and confidant. At times saying that you are too fat might just be an escape route because their seems more to that than what he is saying. My case is different from yours but I have learnt that when, and if my husband tells me anything negative or hurtfull or comments badly about me, I have learnt to ask myself what God says about me. Does God say that am too fat to be loved by Him? Does He say that am very ugly? The answer lies in His word because it tells me that my God says ‘am fearfully and wonderfully made by Him’. As if that is not enough, He tells me that He has made me in ‘His own image’. I therefore get very encouraged and very confident. A spouse may look for any excuse either to evade a responsibility or just to avoid you. Allow me to suggest that if you love and care for yourself, you need to continue to appreciate yourself and feel good about yourself, relax, think positively about yourself, take yourself out, or go with children, friends or those colleagues that appreciate and love you despite your weight or looks. When your spouse tells you that he does not enjoy sex with you because you are too fat, he could be having a problem himself that he is not openly discussing with you and uses your weight to avoid sex. It is advisable to have a talk with him and if it does not work, get a christian/marriage counsellor and openly/sincerely discuss issues. Who said fat spouses cannot enjoy sex in marriage? I would suggest that even as you talk, seek counsel and contemplate on this issue, do not feel guilty, sorry, sad or bad about who God has made you. He loves you just as you are!! There is no harm in you going to a gym or to excerse, but remember it may only be one person that sees you negatively, everybody else, including God himself, (your maker/creator), sees you as His perfect daughter/child.
Let me pray for you:
My dear Father and God,
I thank you very much for my sister that is just beautiful before your very own eyes. Indeed when you created her, you were satisfied and indeed said she is good. You remind us in your word that you created us in your own image and therefore we are a reflection of who you are. You created both small and big, fat and thin, tall and short, white,black, red and yellow, and all the rest and said it was good. You also say in your word that in life, we shall meet many tribulations, but we should be of good chear. We are encouraged that through the issues of life, you are always with us. I commit my sister before you, I pray that through your word, she will be confident to live a positive life, knowing that you appreciate her and that she is not a mistake and thefore your best.
I pray that you will encourage her to talk to her husband so that they may be concerned about building their marriage on the strong foundation which is Jesus Christ and be focused on Him. That they shall appreciate each other despite their shortcomings which are normal in life. Father give her peace and a heart to appreciate and love herself because you and us around her love her very much and appreciate her for who she is. Thank you Father for loving us all.
In Jesus’ name I do pray and believe.
AMEN.
Feel your pain, I agree that your husband is sending some mixed messages. Have you ever suggested sitting down with a counsellor or mediator who can help give an outside opinion on the way that the two of you are dealing with this issue? I think it would be helpful for your husband to hear from a third party how this ultimatum looks. It may also help you better understand your husband’s motivation behind wanting you to lose the weight.
At the same time, it sounds like you would like to be in better shape. You can still lose the weight in order to be healthier without it being about your husband’s demands. Since you have moved out why don’t you take the time to get yourself in shape? You and your son can take it on as a project together. Have fun with him and talk to him about how important it is to be healthy and active. It will be a good learning time for him and help you not get bogged down by your husband’s ultimatum.
With you getting healthy along with you and your husband seeing a counsellor to reframe the way you deal with this issue, in a few months you guys could be in a whole new place together.
Let me pray for you: Heavenly Father I ask that You would help turn this couple around. There are some positive things I see in this marriage but there are also some very wrong ideas about love and how to show it. I pray Lord that you would help both of them to discover Your best for them. I pray that You would help them put aside their own needs and find ways to serve each other in love. Break down the walls of hurt that have been built up and bind their hearts together in true love. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Dear Sandy,
I’m so sorry to hear your husband has broken your spirit. It makes my heart hurt to read your story. Those words must have been so hurtful to you. To me, that is not what love sounds like. Feeling worthless in your marriage must be so difficult. I know it’s so hard as women not to feel broken down by the images we see every day and by the words of others. Being bombarded by what looks like perfection is really hard on a person’s self-esteem. I know it may be hard right now, but remember that beauty comes from your inner-self. Finding self-worth needs to come from who you are as a person. Loving who you are will make it easier to love the person you see in the mirror. For me, my self-worth comes from the love I feel in my relationship with God. I don’t know if you’re a spiritual person but I would like to pray for you and your marriage.
Lord God, I pray that you would be with Sandy as she struggles with her self-esteem. I pray that you would guide her in her marriage and that she would feel loved by others. Lord, may her husband realize how hurtful those words are to her and love his wife for who she is. May you bring people around Sandy to encourage her and to love her. I pray that when she feels broken that you would help her to love herself. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Sandy, thank you for your honesty. If you would like to continue this conversation privately you can sign up to talk to one of our online mentors. They are available to listen and walk you through anything you might be feeling.
My husband was sick and lost alot of weight he was almost 300 lbs and I loved him and took care of him the whole time. Never, criticizing him or not nuturing/loving him. When we got married I weighed 134 pounds I now weight 182, I do need to lose some weight. I was up to over 200 but lost some weight.
But I take care of myself and dress up and wear makeup do my hair every day. He is Bipolar I should mention. He likes to go out every night with me, on the way home the other night we mentioned going to grab something to eat and he changed his mind and missed the turn to get off the exit.
So I just metioned it and he flipped out and said I shouldn’t eat anyway that I was fat. Calling me a pig and making pig noises and he said I need to lose weight that is why we don’t have sex. And also, said that is why he has been putting off having kids, cause then I would blow up like a balloon. I have been waiting patiently always some excuse comes up, we’re not ready, not enough money, etc. I am 40 years old now…
I believe he lost the weight and feels good about himself, gets attention and likes it and now wants me to be just like him. But he eats like crazy, donuts, cakes and still loses weight I don’t eat any crap food. I just don’t eat enough I think. He doesn’t even exercise, think his metabolism must have changed. I haven’t been to the doctors but my Mom had an underactive thyroid gland which could be part of my problem, not trying to make excuses.
I want to lose weight, but now with all his comments he has broken me down and I feel worthless…He has broken my spirit…
I thought it was til death do us part and for better for worse…Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I am going through the same thing. I met my husband 10 years ago, I weighed 134lbs. I have great genetics and never had to work out to look good. I had a our son 7 years ago, and from day one he told me he would never be with me if I got fat. I really ignored it for years, but I have had to hear about it ever since. Right now I way 175, yes I want to lose weight, just have not made it a priority yet. Since May of this year, I have heard all kinds of hurtful words about my weight from him, even been given an ultimatum to lose it or get out. Never the less I moved out about three weeks ago. My heart breaks, he said he loves me and wants to be with me, but not until I lose weight. Now during the past seven years I have got down to 145 lbs and still had to hear that I was fat. I would get down on myself and gain it all back. I hate to see that so many others are going through the same thing. I love him and can not imagine being with anyone else!!! He told me that it hurts his feelings I wont lose weight and look good for him. I feel I need to lose weight for me, and that he should love me for me no matter what I look like. He sees it differently. He doesn’t want to hug or kiss me, touch me or anything, but says he doesn’t understand why we don’t have sex anymore. What gets me is even though he says all this hurtful stuff in regards to my weight we still have sex about eight times a month!!! I get sooooo many mixed feelings from him. Even though I have moved out, we still are very civil with each other, mainly for our son. We get along great, except he says I am too fat.
Shauna, that has got to be a terrible thing to hear come from your husband. The fact that he said it in the middle of a fight makes it even more troubling. We need to be so careful how we respond to each other in the middle of a conflict. It can be so easy to fall into a defensive mode that seeks to protect ourselves by hurting the other. That is a destructive pattern that can rip a marriage apart. Conflict is a time when we need to be even more diligent in carefully choosing our words.
Sorry for that little rant. It is a problem that I have and so I get a little passionate about it when I see it in others as well.
Shauna, I would say many of the same things to you that I said to Christine: you need to get a proper perspective on your husband’s comments and the intent of his heart. Is he a cruel hurtful person? If not then why would you use cruel hurtful words? That is crucial to explore together. I say, ‘explore together’ intentionally because it could be so easy to become something to fight about. You guys are a team together and part of the beauty of that team is when one of you is weak, the other is there to love and accept and lend their strength to build the weak one up. You could choose to be angry and bitter at your husband or you can recognize this as a time that he is weak and needs your help in being made strong.
Now if he is a normally cruel, hurtful man that is another issue entirely, but if he is, as I suspect, a man who is kind and loving by nature, there is something wrong and he needs your help to figure out how to make it right. That’s what being a part of a team is all about.
So talk with him. Don’t accuse and berate him. Present him with the way that his words hurt you. Listen closely to his words to discover the hurt in his life that he is trying to defend against. Work together to figure out how the two of you can become stronger together through this. It may not all go right the first conversation. You may need to get some input from a professional marriage counsellor to figure out where the weakness is and how to work together to minimize the weakness. But guard yourself from letting this become something that divides you and keep you from working as a team.
Lord God, I pray for Shauna and her husband. They are at a critical point in their relationship where the choices that they make will either build a closer union or build walls of bitterness and resentment. They need Your help. Help re-orient their eyes and hearts away from the defensiveness and unite them together in dealing with this as a team. Bring people into their lives that will be good models and godly advisors. Open the eyes of Shauna’s husband to the pain that he has caused and help him to desire to heal that wound he has inflicted on her. Amen.
Shauna, you may want to talk with one of our online mentors who will help you talk through the hurt and discover a path toward healing and reconciliation. You can find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor
I was searching for answers tonight, as my husband just said something similar to me and I’m heartbroken as well. At first I was in shock, and then the more it sank in the more it hurt and I became angry. I have gained about 30 pounds, and I’m pear shaped, and tend to gain in my legs. I have always had confidence issues with my legs my entire life, but I’m a pretty woman and it never stopped members of the opposite sex being attracted to me.
The thing that hurts the most is, I have been through SO MUCH. I’m 32, and in menopause. After the birth of our son who is now 4 years old, I went on to become very ill, and after a year of pain was told I may have ovarian cancer. I went on to have my gallbladder removed and a hysterectomy w/ removal of both ovaries so I cannot have more kids and I’m in menopause now as well. I have gained weight since all of this, I found a wonderful doctor a few months ago who thinks much of my issues is a hormone imbalance and vitamin deficiency and I have been working on this with her.
I never looked at my tragedy as a loss but rather a new beginning with a beautiful son who was miracle in himself. Considering it was questionable if I would ever get pregnant in the first place. I started a support group for young women like myself who has been through the same thing. I have also returned to school, to finish my degree and all in all have tried to be a fighter and love life again.
Then we have an argument, and I bring up the fact that we’re never intimate anymore…and he tells me it’s because my legs have gotten too fat and he no longer is attracted to me.
What to do?
Christine, I am so sorry that your husband said such hurtful things to you. Would you say that when he said it he was trying to hurt your feelings? Is he that kind of cruel-hearted man that needs to cut you down to make himself feel strong and powerful? Has he done that in other situations in your life? Does he do that to other people? Your kids? I ask this because if he is that kind of man you do need to find a way to guard your heart and your children from that kind of cruelty.
However, I also know that sometimes guys have stuff going on in their heart and mind that messes them up a little bit and they can say stupid things that sounded good in their head but when it comes out…, well, it just wasn’t what they intended. If this is the case with your husband you may want to guard yourself from a seething anger and bitterness that could destroy your whole family. Rather than bury that hurt in your heart and let it fester until you get your chance to hurt him back with it, you may think about talking with him now and sharing with him how hurtful his words were. Tell him that you have been trying to think how he meant to encourage you with his comments but you are really having a hard time putting a positive spin on them. Listen carefully to what he says to you because more stupid stuff may come out until you can help him to dig down and find the real struggle that he is having. Then you can work together as a team to deal with that rather than allow the hurtful words build an impassable wall between you.
Lord God I pray for Christine and her husband. Their marriage is under attack right now. They need Your help to find the path through the difficult waters. Would You help Christine’s husband to realize how hurtful his words were. Give him the courage to ask for forgiveness for those. Give him wisdom to know how build up his wife and treat her with love and honour. Guard Christine’s heart and protect it from being eaten up by bitterness. Help her to have the courage to confront her husband with honest feedback. Use this negative situation to strengthen their marriage rather than to rip it apart. In Jesus’ name, amen.
This is amazing. I have been with my husband 20 years and married for 18 and he pretty much told me the same thing tonight. He has walked around for weeks with little to nothing to say and tonight he decides to say that he is not happy with me not taking care of my self and I am too fat to be intimate with me. I knew he was talking about my weight because this isn’t the first time he has said I was fat. He said he is just not attracted to me anymore but we have great kids, nice house, good jobs. I said is it my hair, my clothes do I not dress nice, he actually said “you are beautiful but just to big to be intimate with”. I asked him what would be a good size? Trying not to cry and let him know that he has just stabbed me in the heart, I said I am a size 14 I was a 6 when I met him, I still function in every way a mother,wife and full time employee should, I am not selfish and chose to have children. I went to 200lbs when I delivered and have went back to 145 in the past Thyroid issues are a problem I have had for the past 6 years. He wants to stay married but of course the intimacy is based on my weight loss, he never could give me the “size” he wants me to be. He wanted to know just what size was going to be “big” enough? (I have been a 14 for the past 2 years). I’m not stupid I know this is just mean. I didn’t know “loving someone had a weight limit”, he is not physically the man I married 18 years ago, so I guess that is the difference I married him because I loved his heart and soul. I made a promise to myself tonight: I will lose weight so I will be healthier and live a longer life for myself and my children. I also promise that when he does approach me when I am the “perfect weight” for him, I will walk away from him forever because he doesn’t deserve the woman he married 18 years ago who by the way is the same woman just in a size 14 today. Heart broken but always a survivor. Good luck to all that endure this kind of pain.
Holly,
My heart goes out to you. You say that your husband says he stops loving you because of your weight, I say that’s nonsense! Your husband is talking about a lot of nonsense. Nobody can make you not love someone, love is a choice and if you work at it and make an effort then you wouldn’t be talking like your husband does to you. Maybe absence away from you will make him realize what he is giving up. You are worth every good thing and that means someone who will respect and love you, and encourage and support you in your weight loss journey. Set boundaries in your life with him, if he is to come back in your life, he can’t berate you, there has to be clear and concise expectations. Like if he wants you to cut the lawn, then he needs to expect his dinner later or he should be bringing dinner home for you. If you set boundaries in your life, you will be happier and feel better about yourself. Beauty comes from the inside, my husband says that there is nothing more attractive than confidence. I know that setting boundaries are hard and you might not know where to start but we offer free and confidential mentoring, you can be set up with a mentor that will help you start setting boundaries. Here is the link to get a mentor: http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/.
I will be praying for you,
Leah
I am struggling with my husbands “concern for my health”–what he calls berating me about my weight gain since our marriage 5years ago. He tells me i’m fat, monitors what i eat/when, comments on what/when i’m eating, and doesnt understand that after hearing all this why I dont go out of my way (I work full time, and pull my fair share around the house/property) to make sure dinner is cooked for HIM! he can eat whatever/whenever he wants, but cannot help but make negative comments to me about eating. If i don’t eat or eat less or eat healthy he seems to not notice, and if i point it out he reiterates–that’s what i’ve been telling you…he says my getting fatter is making him not love me, not want to stay married, not want to stay with me at all! He tells me all the things i need to do/change to make him love me, want to stay with me, but will not acknowledge what he’s doing to me–emotionally/verbally–as being anything but his way of showing he cares. He’s put on just as much weight as i have, and has quite a beer gut himself. I never make a mention of it as I love him regardless of his waist size. He packed up his things & left for a day or so, and I fell apart, wanting him to come home. He comes home and we have ONE decent day together–then I don’t have dinner ready for him when he gets home from helping a relative (i was exhausted as I had mowed all of the lawns on our property & in pain from chronic hip/back issues–which according to him are only because i’m fat)and I’m “disappointing” him all over again–prompting him to remind my of my fattness, and his hesitancy to unpack his stuff altogether because he figured i wouldnt change and he’d have to leave again…what should i do? it seems as though no matter what i do it’ll never be enough to meet his expectations…i’m so heartbroken, and scared—i’ll lose the house if we divorce…but i’m tired of being put down, and still be expected to try to please this man…
Hi there my friend. Do not look down on your self, even though I know it hurts to commented on your weight. Like mentioned before! We need to not let the people in oujr lives control us even though they make comments of our weight. I am a Blog mentor here and also a person who is overweight too. I also get comments from people but have learned to let it go and not let it bring me down. In the last comment i made. I said that food is a necessary for our bodies and God has provided it for us to eat. God also said that do not worry about food to be unclean, as He has provided it for us to eat and enjoy. Do not worry about what your husband has said to you. I know it is not easy but try to let God take the comment and mention to your husband how you feel about what he says, as maybe he is trying to get your attention on something. Sit down and talk to him if you can with God as your witness.
Wow!! never knew anyone ever admitted it!! Been with husband since I was 15. I am now 40 and he has told me I am fat the whole time.. In high school I was thick and never really thin. My mom always criticized me for my weight growing up. I was a cheerleader and was “just thick” Always told how beautiful I was, in homecoming, had boyfriends, but when I met my husband it all changed… Now at 40 I wonder why I have just accepted the verbal abuse. I don’t understand it, I wish I did. My self image is shot and I don’t know how to fix it… Do I love him? I used to worship him, now the pain of how he treats me overshadows any affection I have.. I have alittle weight but nothing I think is crazy… I am very faithful to my husband, but have had people write me on Facebook and tell me I am very pretty. I just delete it but can’t help the fact that that’s the only compliments I get… Ya know,I can’t believe I have allowed this!
I beleive we do not have weight problems in this world. God has made food for us to eat no matter what nation you are from. Yes! i am overweight,but we cannot all be slim. If you eat what was created to eat and not over do it. then you are okay. Life is all like this, as if we do what he says and not over indulge in things then all is okay.
Holly I am so sorry to hear about how your husband has treated you. Obviously there are some other issues at work here besides your weight and he is blaming them on your weight. Have you asked him to go for counseling with you? Being able to talk with a third party often helps us as married couples to say the things that are really heavy on our heart.
Another option is for you to write in and ask for an online mentor from our site that can walk alongside of you on this journey. Just click on this link and explain and a mentor will email you back privately.
I have the same problem, but the thing is, HE IS OVERWEIGHT himself as well. He lost some weight but he’s still no Brad Pitt. He still has a gut and fat legs. I’ve struggled with my weight since high school, was overweight when we met and still overweight when we got married. It was never a problem for him up until about 3 years ago. Things will be fine one day, then we go to his friend’s house – his wife is skinny and in shape. We have fun at their house, but then we leave and my husband’s mood changes literally when we turn the corner to head home. Then he treats me like crap for the next week or two. The same thing happens whenever we go out anywhere and encounter a skinny woman – a waitress at a restaurant, a cashier at a store, or a server at the coffee shop, etc. The funny thing is, I’ve NEVER asked him to change anything about himself. The last time we argued about it I confronted him saying “have you looked in the mirror lately?” Of course there’s 10 reasons why he can’t lose the weight and 20 reasons why I need to lose mine. Now whenever we fight about anything (be it money or other household decisions) he always ties my weight into it somehow. I guess this is my reward for being faithful and sticking with him even through the crappy times. Anymore everything is my fault and my weight gets dragged into it. If he leaves, I’m not looking to share my life with anyone else again. Screw this noise!