My husband says I’m too fat

husbandsaysfatMy husband has been bothering me for the past year about my weight. I have gained thirty pounds since I met him. I have asked him to stop bothering me about it but two days ago he told me that I was not sexually attractive to him because I was so fat. He said that because of my obesity he has not wanted to be with me. I still have a good shape and plenty of men like the way I look. I wear a size 14 for my height of 5’3. I am so angry at him that I have not spoken to him. I don’t want to see, touch, hear, or be near him because of what he said. I am seriously thinking of getting out of this marriage because I have my whole life ahead of me. Maybe if he got counseling I would reconsider trying to work things out but right now I do not want to. We have had large arguments before, but he said that if I keep gaining weight he will leave me.

Advice: Does your weight interfere with your health? Do you have trouble doing the things that make life fun for you? Are you not able to function as well on the job or in your recreation? The longer it takes you to get that 30 pounds off, the more it will affect your gall bladder, knees, etc. Focus on your goals and let him see that you are enjoying life, even if he has a narrow focus. Pick up the book, Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. Write us back after you read the book and we will suggest how to get him into counseling and how to make communication the issue.

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135 Responses to “My husband says I’m too fat”

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  • Mia says:

    I am a healthy weight. I am not overweight. My bmi and.body fat % is good. I am 5″5 and a size 10. I have a tiny waist (it’s a size 6-8 Australian size), a really large bust (size 10, E cup) and large hips. My partner says he is not attracted to me and that he likes thinner girls (he used to say girls with my shape were his preference.) The wierdest part is I am thinner now than when he first met me. I like myself as I am and feel sexy. I don’t understand why he doesn’t. I am not even overweight or very fat. The average Australian woman is a size 12 and I’m a size 10. Sure, I’m not a size six like I was quite a while ago now but I was miserable then and had anorexia nervosa. I wouldn’t go back to starving and harming my body like that for anything.

  • Mustang Sally says:

    TO DEE: Sometimes what looks like an unwillingness to do what is necessary to lose weight is really an inability. Sometimes that inability is related to depression and/or anxiety, or low neurotransmitter levels of serotonin, norepinephrine and/or dopamine. There are natural ways to increase these, but some people are too far gone on these levels and need assistance temporarily with anti-depressants. Effexor is a SNRI type of anti-depressant that is sometimes associated with weight loss as a side effect, and it can reduce binge eating, mindless eating, emotional eating, and help one have more desire to work out. You might try steering her to her doctor for a trial of Effexor. It doesn’t work for everyone, of course, and some people have bad side effects to it, but it’s worth a try. You might be surprised.

  • Dee says:

    So what do you do when you’ve tried to build her self esteem, tried working out with her, bought anything and everything under the sun because she has said she wanted it or liked it and never uses it, participated with her in her workouts etc and she just flat out does nothing??? Ok women, explain this part of the complacency that is developed in a relationship and the woman feels that the man isn’t going anywhere or that he should love her for her when women know full well that men need to have that visual stimulation?

  • Mike says:

    Well if you gained 30lbs and have never given birth to a child, then I agree with him. You had to have noticed that much weight gain. So here is a question, why did you not do anything about it? Why do so many women believe that their husbands should just stay silent about them gaining so much weight? I would not expect my wife to still find me attractive. Also what was your starting weight at the beginning of your marriage. If you were 120lbs and gained thirty pounds, that’s 1/4 of your body weight, that’s a lot.

  • Mustang Sally says:

    Kristian, if he keeps giving you “bad looks” for eating unhealthy food, it may only lead to more of that same behavior, and eventually you might actually have a weight problem. He should be happy you aren’t currently overweight and can get away with a few indulgences from time to time. He probably feels like a failure for not being able to bulk up, but he probably has an over fast metabolism (sometimes called hyperthyroidism), so he is projecting his “failure” onto you instead by giving you impossible diet plans that cannot help but fail. You might suggest he try eating RAW broccoli, cauliflower and cabbage to slow down his metabolism. I know those sound like “diet foods,” but they can slow down a fast thyroid, which it sounds like he has. Then when he eats regular food it might “stick” to him more. Other thyroid-slowing foods are: grapefruit, grapefruit juice, and kale. Again these sound like “diet foods,” and I feel sorry for any dieters who are trying to lose weight that are including these foods in their diet plan, because they will slow down a thyroid/metabolism. He could put cabbage in a blender too, and then strain it and drink it as cabbage juice. That will slow down his metabolism/thyroid big time. Maybe if he gets a better handle in HIS body goals, he will lay off of you.

  • Kristian says:

    I am kinda going through the same thing I have other tells me that I am not bign or over weight yet my husband likes to give me bad looks for eating chips or other snacks that are not healthy and it really upsets me because I fill like he doesn’t love me for who I am all my other friends husbands don’t do that to them and they are bigger than I am he trys to help me with a diet plan but makes it so hard that I mess up and then puts me down for failing I fill like I will never be good enough for him and he’s total opposite he is trying to gain weight and bulk up :(

  • Mustang Sally says:

    I think you nailed it when you said, “… I was too happy and he feels threatened by confident women.”

  • jennie says:

    I am in the same position. I am only 15lbs over my favourite weight, but am short and put most of it on around my middle and butt. (I am 5’3 and 130lbs- my co-workers call me thin!) Not the most attractive, but I still find myself pretty sexy. I don’t think a spouse has the right to complain about the other’s looks. At all, period. I tell him when his clothes are inside out, because I know he doesn’t know and want to save him from embarrassment, but that is it. He is free to express himself and make his own choices, run his life. I worry about his health, tell him it isn’t fair for him to make me love him if he isn’t going to take care of himself and dies young. That is all I think a man should say. I’ve dated men that were more like 70lbs overweight and found them plenty sexy. I know (from experience) that it is harder to ignore when they have gained since you met, but I don’t believe you make a person feel bad about their body when you love them. I don’t even tell my husband when I hate his clothes, because that is his choice and his taste, and none of my business unless he asks my opinion. (He actually dresses in a hilarious, eccentric way and I never say anything, because he is expressing himself and I love him.)I jokingly complained when he cut off his curls, but he can’t be bothered to take care of longer hair, so I don’t say anything anymore. So why does he feel it is funny to grab my spare tire and tell me I am “meaty”? This after a big spat a couple of years ago when he grabbed my ass and told me I was ‘getting a fat bum”. In the beginning of the year I was suicidal, he knows the only reason I didn’t kill myself was because of my kids. We have been bickering a lot over our marriage issues and both of us trying hard to improve things. So when I am obviously trying to please him and take care of his other complaints and we are getting along really well, he grabs my spare tire. I lost my temper and told him he was fat and stupid. There goes my feelings of being loved. There goes my uninhibited sexy feelings when I am with him. How could a man believe you might want to have sex with him when he treats you like that? I don’t believe that his weight enters into it (though he IS packing an extra 10lbs and has much less muscle than when we met and I never comment). I still find him sexy, because he is more than a flat stomach or nice biceps, and I like the notion that my husband will still love me and find me desirable when my boobs are hanging lower and I look even less like a 20 year old. All I can think is that we were getting too close and he wanted to put some space between us, or that I was too happy and he feels threatened by confident women. I know every person is different, but if he wanted to manipulate me into losing weight, he would shower me with affection, and loving comments about what he does like (body parts, habits, cooking, whatever…). I can’t even get a spontaneous, genuine compliment when I weigh 114lbs and everyone else I know is raving about how gorgeous I am.

  • James says:

    Only in America do we believe that food addiction is ok. If your husband was an alcoholic would you accept him for who he really was? I really hope that you love your husband more than excessive amounts of food and will give up excessive eatting. He should be nicer about it, but how nice would you be to him if he decided that he wanted to start doing drugs?

  • Doris Beck Doris Beck says:

    Melanie,
    We try to not call people names on this blog :-) but I agree that spouses need to treat each other with respect.

  • Melanie says:

    Hey, he sounds like a jerk. I’m overweight and if I was married and my husband said that to me I would be mad too. You are probally to good for him, anyway if he does leave you.

  • Doris Beck Doris Beck says:

    Mike,
    Instead of telling your wife what she is doing wrong, you might want to ask her why she is over-eating? Are there are other issues that she is dealing with? To be honest, I can lose 6 pounds in a weekend just by drinking water so it’s not necessarily all about overeating. Someone who’s weight is always the same can’t understand that but many of us women have weight that goes up and down just because of water retention so you can’t always go by the scale.

    Having said that, let’s not attack one another in this thread but instead look for ways to encourage and walk alongside one another. That’s what we are here for.

  • rosarosa says:

    Mike, do you have any concept of weight gain? Or are you another one of those judgmental people who just review numbers and somehow think you can apply it to a human being. Few women return to their pre-pregnancy anything after a baby, and as most people get older the metabolism slows down. Like I said earlier, are you such a better human being since your wedding date? Any less hair, teeth, style, class, lovemaking skills?

    Familiar statement: “I’m fat. You’re clueless/rude/just plain undesirable. I can lose weight.”

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    It says in the Bible, that we are the temple of the Holy Spirit, that dwells within us. I believe we should have respect for our bodies that the Lord our God gave us.But we do live in a sinful world and that because we are flesh and not spirit until we go home to be with the Lord. I believe we should be looking at a person’s heart and not the body, or look at the inside of someone and not the outside.

  • mike says:

    Wow. 30 lbs in one year. that’s like 2.5 pounds a month! You would have to be overeating to gain that much. I love my wife very much still WANT her, but I understand where he’s coming from. My wife has gained a total of 96lbs since we got married 10 years ago, its ridiculous because I have not. Recently is started pointing out her bad habits, eating late, out-eating me at meals. Yeah she got mad at me at first, until the next time she stepped on a scale that is! My constant reminder caused her to lose 6lbs in a month without exercise. Just think how much she had to be over eating to lose 6lbs in a month. You need to stop blaming your husband and blame yourself

  • rosarosa says:

    Just wondering how many of those complaining about their wives’ weight gain are considerate, tidy and thoughtful men. Do you actually look the same as when the two of you first met. Do you treat your spouse like a “friend” or a housekeeper. Have you changed just a bit yourself. Have you somehow gotten better. Before you moan and groan about your partner’s physical limitations, please please take a look in the mirror yourself. Do an emotional IQ test and think about what life would be like living with you.

  • Mary Pinckney Mary Pinckney says:

    Hello sssts courses,
    I am responding to your requests for discussion forums. Please feel free to check out http://www.truthmedia.com and select join a chat or this link http://issuesiface.com/. You can also select other sites on the Power To Change websites. I am certain you will find a great forum to participate in.
    Thank you for visiting :)

    May the Lord continue to draw you to His love,
    Mary

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    Dear Father God.

    Lord I lift up anyone who is abused by saying they are too fat. I pray that you will heal them of this concern in there lives. In Jesus Mighty name Amen

  • SimilarWife says:

    In my opinion, sexual attraction is part of what drew you together. As a good wife, you should want to remain physically attractive to your spouse. Some men and women feel once the ring is on the finger they can give up the facade and the other should just “love me for me.” Show him how he can help you lose the 30 lbs and be encouraging versus discouraging. I am also 5’3″ tall and I am no where near a size 14 (I once did, but not in this 10+ yr realtionship), although my husband too has mentioned my weight as a concern for our future. I would think a woman of your stature, unless you have a medical condition,should be able to maintain 130-140 without too much work which I know will bring you down a few sizes. I am sure he is just scared you will keep growing and wants you to take steps to correct this trend before it gets worse! Bottom line is he didn’t marry you at 180 lbs, so you should not expect him to be attracted to you at 180 lbs. It doesn’t mean he does not love you! Instead of gettign angry with him, pray that God gives you the strength to lose the weight for your own health.

  • Mary Pinckney M. Pinckney says:

    Good morning,
    I am a firm believer that honesty is important in our relationships, but how we express that honesty is very important. The Bible states that we should speak the truth in love. We should be willing to help come alongside our mates to help them make the necessary changes in life. If we are not careful how we handle this it shows that we wound our mates. It helps when we can be cheerleaders to our mates, when we do it motivates them to make changes. I know this is not always the case and should not be taken lightly, so I offer prayer for those who are in those tough situations this morning. May the Lord of all comfort come along side you and heal your brokeness and give you the grace to forgive and continue loving even in the midst of hard times. May He mend your relationships and allow the unconditional love He has for you both to overshadow your hearts for each other. May His love be expressed in and through you. In Jesus name.
    If at anytime you feel you need to talk with one of our mentors, please feel free to contact one at this link: http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/.
    Blessings to you,
    Mary

  • rrite says:

    I told my husband he was too heavy and it is very uncomfortable to have sex with him. I”m still physically attracted – just hard to enjoy the moment when you are being squished to the point you can’t breath. As for attraction, its hard to fake. I’d say if you love your man or wife you will want to be attractive in their eyes. If you don’t want to do that then you are not really in love like you were when you first met. People change and sometimes it means moving on.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Katherine, what do you think would be different if people with unhealthy weight gain were treated the same as other addicts?

  • Katherine says:

    I’m so angry because smokers,meth users and achoholics while they may be criticized,sociaty has finally understood that there is an addiction that is sometimes out of their control. It’s not PC to giggle at a staggering drunk or shrunken meth user but what so many people don’t understand is many people use food the same way other Addicts use drugs . These overweight people are the unsung hero’s who chose to use something that would only affect them an no one else. The mom driving kids to school. Not many accidents are caused by an elivated blood sugar level. And yet these people are told that they should be able to control their weight gain. Is Anyone still so ignorant that they tell a meth user “just use self control”? No we pretty much got the addiction issue and know it’s a big one. All these additicts use something either oral or inject to deal with the”pain ” why can’t food be just as caustic ? It’s because everyone uses food and it’s too easy to say “just use self control” meanwhile alcoholics kill in car accidents- meth users have been known to rob for drugs,smokers give off secondhand smoke but what do overeaters do but offend those in sociaty that don’t have a clue. People who self medicate with food don’t want to hurt others and want to remain responsible and are there for their friends and family and yet all they get is criticism. Theae are hero’s trying to cope with the pain like so many.

  • Alfred Alfred says:

    Hi everyone,
    This strikes so close to home that I can relate very strongly! My former pastor said “The young wife will want to change her husband, while he is hoping she will always stay the same; but he will not change, and she definitely will!”
    My wife did not want to ride a bicycle, swim or play tennis. We did, however, find common ground in enjoying nature walks, sight-seeing, and gardening. She is great ion the kitchen while I enjoy a great meal!
    Yet, at times I found it revolting to look at her increasingly large figure. She, in turn, started to criticize me. I felt that she was turning our 3 children against me. That is when I cried out to God! HE responded in love and mercy, showing me that I was on my way to hell. At then foot of the cross, I was restored, Spirit-filled, and enabled to see the beautiful wife that lived inside her large body. God had to do a work in both our heats.
    One major factor in restoring harmony is to NOT retaliate or criticize, but to join the partner in seeing his/her side of the situation. Then you are both together, attacking the problem (not the person) from a common front.
    I pray this may be of some help to you.

  • Mustang Sally says:

    Dear Bano:

    So sorry to hear about your situation. I guess emotional eating is whenever we eat without having hunger pangs first, which in America it seems, it almost everybody.

    You did not say that you suspect your husband is getting his sexual needs gratified elsewhere, so maybe he is being true to you (physically). But maybe he has thoughts about straying; as you admit doing too at times (which we know is wrong and needs forgiveness and repentance). It almost sounds like if it wasn’t for your current physical appearance, you would have cheated by now (but then again, if it wasn’t for your current physical shape your husband wouldn’t be mistreating you anyway).

    I would definitely stop the “tit for tat” business with putting him down to get him back. He can probably see through your motivation and it probably isn’t doing anything positive for either one of you. Instead, maybe try flushing out his memories of your recent lashing back by putting in a compliment or two in his direction. Perhaps he will begin to copy that behavior toward you. But even if he doesn’t, you will feel better if you don’t get down in the mud with him on this.

    [Comment edited. For safety reasons we are not able to allow medical advice or recommendations to remain on the site.]

    Don’t forget to ask God to work on your husband’s heart, to give you favor with him, to repair the emotional damage you have caused each other, and to help you implement the best tactics to improve your emotional and physical health that will work the best for YOU and your specific causes of your emotional and physical problems. Weight is not a one size fits all issue and there can be many causes in each person, and they may not match the same cause(s) in another person.

    Blessings!

  • Bano says:

    Hi

    I feel sad and angry as my husband focus seems to be my weight. After I had my daughter I went from Uk 12 to 16. Sure it bothers me a little but I still get attention from other guys. He said I should make an effort to loose weight as he married me when I was slim/average build and basically I have let myself go. Basically I know I am an emotionally eater and him saying things make me feel worse so I eat. I consider myself healthy and go gym 3 times a week. I can tell you how much he hurts me as I feel undesiredby him. We stay married as we both adore our child. He is great in other ways but when he is like this I get angry and start on his looks juSt to hurt him back. I know this is not mature and it’s not like I do it on purpose I just feel so disrespected and ugly. I guess I have lost respect for him now but I don’t know what to do as I am stuck in a rut. After having my daughter I suffered from PND and now suffer from depression and anxiety so meeting someone else is not an option as I don’t have the energy. I would prefer he leave me if he doesn’t love me. To be honest I think bout other men but too religious to have an affair. I guess my love for my child is enough for me.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Zozo, trying to make your body fit someone else’s expectations is a futile pursuit. Your focus should be on being the healthy person God has made you to be. For some people that is a larger, curvy body while others are petite. It is a good opportunity for you and your boyfriend to talk through an difficult issue and allow your relationship to mature through that. Explain to him what you think is the healthy form of your body and why. Ask him why he would want you to compromise your health to become something that you are not. Get to know why he has the expectations he has and work through how the two of you are going to deal with the differences. This isn’t a case of he’s wrong and you are right or vice versa. It is about the two of you deciding how together you can help one live out the life that God has planned for you.

  • Zozo says:

    My boyfriend has been bothering me for my weight too. Told me I am too skinny even if he has many orgasms when we have sex. I’m 19, 1,51 and 31 kg, petite.I have many orgasms too but i am too small for him. I dont know what to do to gain more weight and i do sport, gymnastics and have flexible body but I look like a child.

  • Sarah says:

    Dear “Too Fat,”

    If your husband was truly loved you, he would be concerned about your health, or see the weight as an indicator that something might be off-balance in your life together. If he loved you, he would gently suggest that you both spend more time together in healthy activities, or following a nutrition plan that would give you both fewer calories and greater nutrients. He might bring up his concern, and maybe in a way that wasn’t very diplomatic, but which came from a good place in his heart.

    However, if he seeks to shame or hurt you – he probably doesn’t love you. If your sexual desirability is the greatest, most important factor in your marriage together to him, beyond ’til death do you part – he probably doesn’t love you. This goes beyond mere weight. What if you were in a car accident, and became an amputee? What if you got cancer? What happens when you grow old? What of your sexual desirability then? If he loved you for you, and not the frail shroud of flesh that houses the best and brightest traits of humanity, then these scenarios would strengthen your bond. But if he only likes your body, then you would be deeply, emotionally wounded during a time when you needed him most.

    What of your children? What if your daughter or son is a little over-weight? What if they are born with a physical flaw, like an obvious birthmark? What if they were born with an extra chromosome? How fairly would he treat them? Would he even be capable of loving them?

    From what I read, I don’t think he would.

    Seriously consider what it would be like to spend the rest of your life trying to be perfect, not for yourself, but for him. Consider the constant fear of imperfection, knowing you’ll be thrown away as soon as you show a sign of aging, of weakness, of life, of flaws. Consider this fear being with your children every day of their lives, living under the crushing expectations of a father who prefers the appearance over the substance.

    Consider what life you want to live, what love you deserve to have, and what choice you now have to make in the face of a great betrayal of marital vows. If he can’t honor your flaws, you probably won’t be able to honor his, either. The trust of your relationship has been damaged.

    If a marriage has no respect, trust, or love in it, then I can’t see how it could last.

  • Michael Jantzen Michael Jantzen says:

    Hi John,

    I would say that we are “all” responsible for taking good care of our bodies, whether men or woman. That does not mean we have to match society’s or anyone else’s ideal body shape, but I think all doctors would agree that maintaining a healthy body weight is good for mental and physical health. We are also ALL responsible for what we say to others; there is never any reason to demean a person because of their weight, and a marriage vow means nothing if we don’t have the character to keep on loving someone no matter their size. Did we marry our wives because of their ‘hotness.’ Well, the body changes, so we better take a lot of pictures after the wedding for a keep sake, but we men need to learn to love at a much deeper level than for how they look in a bathing suite.

    You asked a woman though, so hopefully one of them comments. So, ladies, what’s your take on this?

  • John says:

    So is there any point where you women would agree the woman is at fault?

  • Barbara Alpert Barbara Alpert says:

    Dear Casey, how do you feel about weighing 33.6 stone and what does your doctor say about you weighing that much? Why is your husband force-feeding you? Are you bed-ridden and no longer have the ability to get around? At your present weight, are you able to participate in fun, active activities with your children? According to the calculations I had done converting stone weight into pounds, it appears that your current weight may not be a healthy weight. Do you have other health issues that might be linked to your current weight as well? If your doctor recommends that your weight be lowered then you need to find your voice again with your husband and let him know that you desire to make healthy changes for the betterment of your own health and perhaps for all of your family has well. When was the last time you went to see your doctor?

  • Casey says:

    he is a [expletive removed]for saying all of that [expletive removed] but if you really love him then lose weight but if you dont truly love him than tell him this¦
    I deserve better than you, much better. and devorse him!
    my husbend said i am too skinny and thretend to brake my arm if i didnt gain weight so i devorsed him! i gained 7 stone after that and now weigh 24 stone, we desided to see each other again, then got married, had 2 kids and then weighed 31 stone… i weigh at the moment 33.6 stone he is force feeding me and scared i am going to burst! i dont know when to tell him that i dont want to gain any more weight…

  • Sherry says:

    Thankyou Barbara! Each and every individual is here for a purpose. We were created for a purpose. God is my constant inspiration and I owe Him everything and thank Him for the opportunity to inspire others. God bless!

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