My husband says I’m too fat

husbandsaysfatMy husband has been bothering me for the past year about my weight. I have gained thirty pounds since I met him. I have asked him to stop bothering me about it but two days ago he told me that I was not sexually attractive to him because I was so fat. He said that because of my obesity he has not wanted to be with me. I still have a good shape and plenty of men like the way I look. I wear a size 14 for my height of 5’3. I am so angry at him that I have not spoken to him. I don’t want to see, touch, hear, or be near him because of what he said. I am seriously thinking of getting out of this marriage because I have my whole life ahead of me. Maybe if he got counseling I would reconsider trying to work things out but right now I do not want to. We have had large arguments before, but he said that if I keep gaining weight he will leave me.

Advice: Does your weight interfere with your health? Do you have trouble doing the things that make life fun for you? Are you not able to function as well on the job or in your recreation? The longer it takes you to get that 30 pounds off, the more it will affect your gall bladder, knees, etc. Focus on your goals and let him see that you are enjoying life, even if he has a narrow focus. Pick up the book, Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. Write us back after you read the book and we will suggest how to get him into counseling and how to make communication the issue.

Read Karen’s Story: The Perfect Anorexic.

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177 Responses to “My husband says I’m too fat”

  • Doris Beck Doris Beck says:

    Sebby,
    You mentioned that getting married is for better or for worse. I have to agree that someone who cares more about the physical appearance of their spouse than the person inside has some issues, but divorce isn’t the answer either. Somewhere in between there has to be a commitment to coming together to work to make the marriage work.

    Respect goes both ways.

  • Rashid says:

    Debby
    o agree with you when you marry you marry for the person attraction and all that is over after you marry the person that is why marriage failed because that marriage was just for the eye not for the heart.

  • Sebby says:

    Ouch, divorce his dumbass! Guys like that which care more about a person’s appearance rather than the person shouldn’t be married and if they are, hopefully it’s to someone that makes their lives hell! Don’t get me wrong, I do understand that some people care about aesthetics but they only run skin deep and that’s a very shallow way to be, literally.

    Therapy isn’t going to change the guy’s preferences or help improve the situation because he’s a jerk to begin with. In his mind, he’s not respecting his wife by insulting her appearance, making her insecure, then saying he’s going to leave if she doesn’t change…

    …the problem is not the wife’s, it is the husband’s attitude and lack of respect. When married, you are there for better or worse, through thick and through thin, till death do you part. If this guy can’t respect his wife or the sanctity of marriage, then his opinion of those things shouldn’t be respected either.

    “Anyone that matters won’t mind, and anyone that minds doesn’t matter.”

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    Thanks for your article, as you lean on the Lord, He will bless you beyond measure.

  • Rashid says:

    Kate
    same thing men are yearning fir unconditional love I hope you will agree not just women but when we men and women become product of the society we live in that’s what get in middle men and women have to take their role and do not cross over on each other and respect other person feeling.

  • Kate Kate says:

    We can all become exhausted and frustrated when we are told or it is implied that we have to do something or be something in order to earn our spouse’s affection. We long to be loved without having to strive. We yearn for unconditional love.

  • Cassandra says:

    I think people are too sensitive. I for one do not like it when people have unnecessary fat on them or are gaining weight if there is something they could otherwise do about it. Being fat in most instances (though I do recognise that there are medical reasons that are precursors in some cases) occurs because people are just lazy or they don’t pay enough attention to themselves and find ways to justify that being overweight is ‘beautiful’ and ‘healthy’. I guess in today’s society it is ok to believe this, however, when your partner opens up and expresses their feeling towards your weight gain, then don’t be surprised and upset about it. Instead, you should consider making some lifestyle changes and strive to be a better, healthier version of yourself. After all, most of us need to feel physically attracted our partners, and in my case, my preference leans towards the more lean and toned physique.
    Unfortunately not everyone can appreciate overweight people, and I know that I most certainly struggle to feel attracted to an overweight person regardless of how amazing their personality is. Therefore, if you choose not to do anything about your weight because you’ve convinced yourself that your partner will just accept it and look past your love handles, then don’t be surprised if one day they end up leaving you. The loss of sexual attraction is a big issue. Maybe you might be one of the lucky few and your partner will stick around, but sadly there are plenty of unfortunate cases too.
    So I think honesty is key here. If you can’t be honest towards your partner, then I think that the issue of being overweight isn’t the only problem in the relationship..

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    Thank you for your comments. may the Lord our God bless you, as you continue to seek His grace each day that he bless you with his love. In Jesus name Amen

  • Mustang Sally says:

    TO KATE: Agree. If marriage is a “picture” of our relationship with God through Christ, then if God would not reject us from Heaven despite the fact we were saved just because He found us in our fallen state, then a marriage relationship on Earth should not suffer just because our bodies show the ravages of being on a fallen planet.

  • Kate Kate says:

    God loves us, not because we are lovely, but because He is love. God remains emphatically faithful to us, not because we are faithful, but because He is faithful.

  • Mustang Sally says:

    TO SANDY: I’ve heard that tip about lemon water first thing before any food or drink in the morning, but I had not heard about doing it more often than that or using hot water. Thanks!

  • sandra says:

    Good morning. Don’t change for anyone. God made u the way u are. U are special. I also had issues with weight. Just started drinking lemon juices 3 to 6our times a day in boiling water. Loosing weight like nothing I’ve ever seen before. 7 kg in 2 weeks. Important to drink on empty tummy early in moring first and before u go sleep at night. I didn’t still read ur whole story but will do so later on. Just don’t ever let anyone bring u down. Have a blessed day.

  • Rashid says:

    Kate
    Good advise you give God blessing to you

  • Kate Kate says:

    Hi Janongo,

    Sounds like your frustration is at a peak and my heart goes out to you. We all have a tendency to justify our own sinful behaviours. In some cases the sinful behaviours are visible to others, in some cases they are not, but in God’s eyes sin is sin. If my desire for food is greater than my desire for God and holiness, food becomes a temptation to me. If my desire to control others’ behaviours is greater than my desire for God and holiness, a controlling spirit will grip me.

    Life is admittedly miserable in a whole bunch of ways, and if it’s not this misery, it would be another. We aren’t going to be freed from all frustrations and disappointments, heartaches and unfulfilled desires. We aren’t going to be rewired and we aren’t going to be satisfied in every area of life. That is why the GOSPEL is actually GOOD NEWS… we have NEW life in Christ, shalom, perfect peace under the reign of God… and it is to this HOPE that we cling.

    Marriage, especially sex, are not primarily about satisfaction. Marriage is an exercise in sacrifice and intimacy, flaws and all, unconditional love. Yes, I know we all chafe against the infringements we feel our spouses are making on our ability to be happy, but we were never promised to be happy with every aspect of the life. We are commanded to be content, to be grateful, to trust that God cares, has a plan, has a future for us, and we are commanded to be Christlike.

    For some reason there is something coming to mind to share with you. It’s the exercise where you imagine your wife as a younger version of herself, you imagine yourself as her father, you see her as a child, vulnerable….you would do anything to protect her. You would do anything to shield her from insults and hurtful words or looks from others. You would do anything to reassure her that she is loved. You would tell her she is beautiful because she is loved; she is not loved because she is beautiful.

    I hope you will find a way to work out your frustration, to enjoy intimacy with your wife, to appreciate the billion blessings God has granted you, to be content…. even if nothing changes, even things get worse. Whenever I get the chance I remind myself to stop looking at the bird bothering me on my windowsill and to lift my eyes to the horizon, to drink in the full view and appreciate the beauty.

    Blessings,
    Kate

  • Rashid says:

    Elkay
    Thank you for your pray for my finding a God chosen love for me and my little children in Jesus name Amen

  • Janongo says:

    The 1000 word sermons really don’t help anyone

    I’m curious what all of the women so quick to call the husbands jerks would say if their husband suddenly gained 90lbs? And how about if he started working out and looks amazing? Suddenly the “superficial” bs would have a caveat

    My wife gained a lot after our kid and now the kid is half grown and just gets bigger. I try to be supportive and to inspire I got myself in the best shape of my life. The response was “wow you look so hot lately!” and no change in behavior. Just even MORE sex drive from her and more weight which makes it honestly physically impossible to get aroused.

    Should guys that just aren’t physically attracted to obesity be shot??? Just because it’s your wife doesn’t mean you can rewire your freaking brain as much as you WISH you could

    These days the defense of obesity is absolutely ridiculous

  • Elkay Elkay says:

    Perhaps it would be helpful to re-read the original advice in this column:

    Focus on your goals and let him see that you are enjoying life, even if he has a narrow focus. Pick up the book, Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. Write us back after you read the book and we will suggest how to get him into counseling and how to make communication the issue.

  • Mel says:

    Get rid of him. He will never change. He’s using you as an excuse to leave the marriage. Next step lose weight and get a better more loving, caring, sensitive but manly man.

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    Thank you for your comment Lo.

  • Lo says:

    There are a lot of questions left unanswered here. First, have you had kids with this man? If so, was it recently? If the answer to both of those questions is yes, then he needs to be more sensitive to you. Pregnancy, childbirth and breast feeding all cause weigh gain and take a lot of time to bounce back from. Secondly, what does he look like? Has he gained any weight? If he has, then he really needs to be quiet. I think that everyone, men and women alike, should maintain for their partners. But things like age and children are inherently going to change someone’s appearance. Depending on how old you are, how long you’ve been together and if you have kids, gaining 30 pounds isn’t such a massive amount of weight.

  • Elkay Elkay says:

    In his book “God Loves You, He Always Has – He Always Will”, from which this is adapted, David Jeremiah notes “One of the most revealing commentaries on the sad state of love in modern cultures is the growing omission of the phrase ‘till death do us part’ in traditional marriage ceremonies. Couples are hedging their bets, removing ‘forever’ from their shared vocabulary. Of course, keeping that phrase in a ceremony doesn’t make a marriage bulletproof. We’re staring down at alarming divorce statistics, no matter what words we use. But there’s something very sad about the ancient and holy institution of marriage becoming as casual, nonbinding and fleeting as the rice thrown at the couple.”

    For Christians, Job #1 is to grow in Christ-likeness and that means that when we love someone, we love them unconditionally, permanently, loyally. God did not bail on Adam and Eve when they violated His one restriction in Eden; He did not stop loving Moses even though he committed murder; He did not stop loving David even though he committed adultery and murder; and Jesus did not stop loving Peter after Peter denied Him three times.

    Love is an unrelenting, unconditional commitment to another person and it looks like the famous 13th chapter in 1 Corinthians. The total, loyal commitment of Godly love is the primary analogy in the book of Hosea. Just as Hosea had drawn his unfaithful wife, Gomer, back to him, so God had entreated His people to come back to Him. “I led Israel along with My ropes of kindness and love. I lifted the yoke from her neck, and I myself stooped to feed her.” (Hosea 11:4). That is how we are to love our mates.

    We are to be God-like in our love for our marriage partners; we have been created in His image and if someone abuses our love and this is why such abuse hurts us just as our sinfulness hurts God. Sadly, our human emotions are too often displayed sinfully: indignation swells into rage, hurt morphs into revenge.

    But we are the children of an eternal God and we are made for something better. We were made to experience and dispense the miracle of a selfless, patient, kind, yielding, forgiving, hopeful and enduring love – a love that does not quit, that does not demand return and is compassionate beyond measure.

    “Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love makes up for many of your faults.” (1 Peter 4:8, TLB)

  • Rashid says:

    Hi
    This is good argument for making win lose situation if the husband is too sensitive to weight then why he marry? People change in every way some husbsnd or wife become thinner , more add traction then better don’t marry marriage is commitment and lotality. It is fault of two people to contribute to many issues and condition. I pray to God people become more understand to each other and follow God message in Jesus in Just name Amen

  • Blackwood says:

    Cause your husband married a smaller woman and you got bigger than he likes. I doubt he’d have married you if you were as big as you are now when you met him. From his perspective, he found a woman that he liked and was physically attracted to. He’s not attracted to bigger girls. Is it wrong for him to be attracted to a particular type of woman? It sounds like he told you how he felt and you got mad at him for it. It’s kind of unfair if you bought an android and months later it transforms into an android. You have the power to change the situation, but you choose to gain weight, and make your husband out to be the bad guy. Just tell him you’re not gonna lose weight and you won’t do anything about it. If you don’t wanna lose weight, why should he have to change his sexual attraction preferences? You’re in a marriage, you gotta meet halfway on these issues.

  • Rashid says:

    Hi Elkay
    Thank you for praying for me God bless you

  • Elkay Elkay says:

    Rashid, you have asked for a prayer and as I look back over this string, it seems that prayer for all of our marriages is appropriate . . .

    O God of love, You have established marriage for the welfare and happiness of mankind. Yours was the plan and only with You can we work it out with joy. You have said, “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helpmate for him.” Now our marriage joys are doubled since the happiness of one is the happiness of the other. Our burdens now are halved since when we share them, we divide the load.

    Bless each and every husband in this string. Bless him as provider of nourishment and clothing and sustain him in all the toils and pressures of his battle for bread. May his strength be her protection, his character be her boast and her pride, and may he so live that she will find in him the haven for which the heart of a woman truly longs.

    Bless each and every loving wife in this string. Give her a tenderness that will make her great, a deep sense of understanding and a great faith in You. Give her that inner beauty of soul that never fades, that eternal youth that is found in holding fast the things that never age.

    Lord, teach us that marriage is not living for oneself nor even merely for each other; it is two souls uniting and joining hands to serve You. Give us a great spiritual purpose in life. May we seek first the kingdom of God and Your righteousness, and know that the other things will be added unto us.

    In our marriages, may we not expect that perfection of or from each other that belongs to You alone. May we minimize each other’s weaknesses, be swift to praise and magnify each other’s points of beauty and strength, and see each other through a lover’s kind, adoring and patient eyes.

    Now Lord, make such assignments to us on the scroll of Your will as will bless us and develop our characters as we walk together. Give us enough tears to keep us tender, enough hurts to keep us humane, enough failure to keep our hands clenched tightly in Yours, and enough success to make us sure that we walk rightly with You.

    May we never take each other’s love for granted, but always experience that breathless wonder that exclaims, “Out of this entire world, you have chosen me.”

    When life is done and the sun is setting, may we be found then as now still hand in hand, still thanking You for one other. May we serve You happily, faithfully, together, until at last one shall lay the other into Your arms.

    This we ask through Jesus Christ, Great Lover of Our Souls. Amen.

  • Rashid says:

    Hi
    Elkay
    You made beautiful message I can hear it and it very effective message.
    One of the best message was about the about of words of wise using carefully during conversation with love one including children. I do agree words have great power to bring closeness and bad words can bring damages to relationships good advise to slow to get angry other wise beside damage to there we damage to ourself
    too.
    Elkay I pray to Holy spirit to bless you in every way in Jesus name Amen.i will be requesting you to pray if you feel thank you

  • Elkay Elkay says:

    Wow! So much emphasis on external physical appearance, I guess because of Hollywood’s influence and that’s the wrong place to get our life goals. The right life goal is to glorify God and a really good way to do that is by unselfishly working to create a healthy, successful marriage. That’s because God created male and female in His image and then joined them in marriage. Yes, for the marriage to be its best, both partners have to work together, but if yours doesn’t do this, that’s no excuse for you to quit.

    Husbands are to sacrificially love their wives (Eph 5:25, and here “love” is not only an emotion but means putting her best interests foremost) and wives are to respect their husbands (Eph 5:33, and this might mean gaining or losing some weight if it is that important to him). Speaking for the Lord, Paul asks “Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.” (Phil 2:1-2) He goes on to say “Therefore comfort each other and edify one another.“ (1 Thess 5:11) This “marriage advice” is in Scripture because God wants your marriage to be blessed and to honor Him.

    Practically speaking, you and your mate will need to get together with this objective in mind and “gently tell the truth in a loving manner” (Eph 4:15) and then set reasonable goals for yourselves, goals that progress in is measurable and then be accountable to one another. If your partner is not willing to work on this together, then at least get him/her to tell you their side of the story and set your own goals to make the marriage better. It is very reasonable along these lines that both parties desire a healthy body and lifestyle for one another. He/she will see you working to meet their desires and prayerfully will respond positively to your interest in having a better marriage.

    One more thing from Prov 12:18 . . . “Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.” In other words, carefully watch what you say because words have great power to bless or to wound. The world may applaud quick-witted retorts, but James 1:19 instructs us to be “quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry” so when you speak carelessly or negatively, you damage others as well as yourself. As positive speech patterns replace negative ones, the increase in your inner peace and joy will amaze you.

    This advice will not work without the Holy Spirit’s involvement in changing your conscious behavior by gently bringing more Christ-likeness into your subconscious, if you are yielded to Him. (This is how He works.) As Barbara said on August 8, “Do you not know that you are the temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you?” (1 Corinthians 3:16) Her comments about proper care and respect for your body, the temple of God, are well worth re-reading.

    So we can pray, “Abba Father, we confess that we frequently fail at promoting a God-honoring lifestyle and marriage body, even when we know that both of these are important to You. We also know that we will continue failing if we work on our own efforts without the influence of Your Holy Spirit. So we ask Your indwelling Spirit to search our hearts and minds for all that is hampering a transformation of our marriage into a more pleasing reflection of Your image; we then seek to yield to His influence in making the changes in us that will please You. We pray this in the precious name of Jesus Christ. Amen.”

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