My husband says I’m too fat

husbandsaysfatMy husband has been bothering me for the past year about my weight. I have gained thirty pounds since I met him. I have asked him to stop bothering me about it but two days ago he told me that I was not sexually attractive to him because I was so fat. He said that because of my obesity he has not wanted to be with me. I still have a good shape and plenty of men like the way I look. I wear a size 14 for my height of 5’3. I am so angry at him that I have not spoken to him. I don’t want to see, touch, hear, or be near him because of what he said. I am seriously thinking of getting out of this marriage because I have my whole life ahead of me. Maybe if he got counseling I would reconsider trying to work things out but right now I do not want to. We have had large arguments before, but he said that if I keep gaining weight he will leave me.

Advice: Does your weight interfere with your health? Do you have trouble doing the things that make life fun for you? Are you not able to function as well on the job or in your recreation? The longer it takes you to get that 30 pounds off, the more it will affect your gall bladder, knees, etc. Focus on your goals and let him see that you are enjoying life, even if he has a narrow focus. Pick up the book, Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. Write us back after you read the book and we will suggest how to get him into counseling and how to make communication the issue.

Read Karen’s Story: The Perfect Anorexic.

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223 Responses to “My husband says I’m too fat”

  • mont says:

    I don’t think we should be living in the past anymore. Ask for motivation to change to a new world of 21st century! Past makes you ready for future and that’s why people don’t want to live in their past. Listen to world and listen attentively about obese before you start calling people pathetic. There is different between commitment and feelings guys.

  • Elkay Elkay says:

    Diakoe, I say “Amen” to your comments. Marriage is not a joke – it is a sacred institution that God Himself created so that man and woman could bind together, become one in His eyes and best reflect His image. See Genesis 1:26-27 and 2:18, 24.

    In life, Job #1 is to grow in Christ-likeness and that means that when we love someone, we love them unconditionally, permanently, and loyally. God did not bail on Adam and Eve when they violated His one restriction in Eden; He did not stop loving Moses even though he committed murder; He did not stop loving David even though he committed adultery and murder; and Jesus did not stop loving Peter after Peter denied Him three times.

    Love is an unrelenting, unconditional and unselfish commitment to another person’s well-being and it looks like the famous 13th chapter in 1 Corinthians. One day we will stand before God and explain why we lived as we did and the best we can hope for now is that we remain loyally loving to our mate. For our own sake, we must hang in there and do everything we can to make ours a God-honoring marriage.

    Over time, we must learn to not expect the perfection from our mate that belongs to God alone. Out of our unconditional commitment, unselfish love will flow to and from one another as we receive God’s love for us. It is important that we minimize each other’s weaknesses, that we are swift to praise and magnify each other’s points of beauty and strength, and that we see each other through a lover’s kind, adoring and patient eyes. Anything short of this is not marriage love – it is more like a selfish arrangement in which I will care about you only as long as you care more about me.

  • diakoe says:

    Wow! Am I ever surprised at the responses. Weight gain is NOT a reason for divorce. My goodness, how shallow and pathetic have people become? Did you marry the heart and soul of the person, or the visual image you see at 24? I’m not certain of ages here, but from personal experience..what do you do if your spouse’s hair turns gray and you don’t like gray hair? Divorce them? What happens if your spouse is in an accident and they become paralyzed? Get a divorce? What happens if you find out your spouse farts 20 hours a day? Divorce them? If they happen to develop a life threatening illness? Divorce them? What has happened to people in general? We ALL change as we age. Some in one way, others another way. Being married 40 years, some not the greatest, some are…you take the good and the not so good and it comes out even in the end. Grow up!!!!

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi B.Fre. I know that is a difficult thing to hear from someone you love. Can I just clarify, are you considering leaving him or has he talked about leaving you?

    How does he respond when you talk to him about how his words impact you?

  • dream says:

    B.Fre… Firstly you need to give your life to Jesus so he can direct you in your life decisions. He is the best friend who loves unconditionaly. He will forgive you your sins and gives you eternal life. He will protect you by telling that sex is for marriage. If you are in abuse relationship get out and look for God first. Blessings.

  • B. Fre says:

    Yes, he is withholding sex/intimacy because he says I am too fat.

  • B. Fre says:

    My boyfriend just told me that he is no longer attracted to me due to my obesity. He is also obese but I am still attracted to him. Is it okay to leave someone for them telling you that you are “too fat to [expletive removed]”? especially when intimacy is an important part of what you are seeking in a relationship? To me, that shows his love has always been conditional. It hurts so bad, and I have gained 70 lbs since I have been with him because he eats fatty food, doesn’t exercise..and so much more. I am eating now because I am unhappy with our relationship. I want out of a relationship that emotionally hurts me.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    The Bible has some interesting things to say about love: “Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1Corinthians 13:4-7) This seems to suggest that love is not based on what the other person does but on me. I don’t love because my spouse is the perfect weight or because my spouse doesn’t hassle me about my weight. I don’t love because my spouse sacrifice for me; I choose to sacrifice for my spouse because I choose to love. If both parties in the marriage have that attitude it becomes a beautiful thing.

  • vicky says:

    I don’t think looks should be a problem in a marriage it is said for better for worse I thing instead of u condemning ur partner cus of change or her stature or look is very disrespectful instead of u condemning let her know of the change and help her in reducing or even love her more cus of it and always remind her how beautiful she Is or how fat she has become and she looks even more beautiful but will look more beautiful if she stay fit

  • Paca says:

    Amy, no one is disagreeing with suggesting that OP start a healthy regimen. There are obvious benefits to adopting a regular exercise routine and eating healthy (what ever one’s ideal weight is). You’ll live longer, you’ll reduce your risk for chronic diseases, you’ll have more energy, you’ll sleep better, sex is better, etc, etc. This is not the issue.

    The issue is when one spouse withholds love/affection/sex or worse is abusive because the other is overweight. Telling your spouse you want to leave them because you think they are fat is not “showing support.”

    Yes, in the US, people have the legal right to end their marriages for whatever reason they want. But the #1 and 2 complaints that I hear/see from married men is that their wives treat them disrespectfully and that they withhold sex (not necessarily in that order), with the number #3 complaint being they unilaterally file divorce for the inexcusable reason that they are no longer interested or attracted.

    But somehow when a woman gains weight, this same behavior is not only OK but is applauded by men. Double standard, can you say???

  • amy says:

    I think it’s a matter of perspectives. There are two arguments here, both either from gender split or from love relations. I’m a female, so in my opinion, we are more opted/ pressured to have a thinner appearance and so forth, but the thing is, I’m guessing guys have the same problem getting the whole buffed up look. I think you should confront your husband, and that if he only loved you based on your looks, he isn’t worth hanging to. However, if criticism is his way of support, as mike suggests, hold on to it, and try your best with weight loss. It is a hard struggle, but also referencing mike’s earlier proposal, weight loss is simply just using up more calories than your intake. As young as I am, I have been through the whole treacherous experience before due to highly instable metabolism, but exercise and all that does pay off in the end. Things are always easier said than done, of course. Looking up other people’s success makes you feel pretty bad because you wonder if you’ll be the outlier or if you’ll persevere. The first step sucks because it’s so hard to get to. If you take the advice or not is up to you, because only you will know what you want. I’m still in my teens so I probably shouldn’t talk, haha. :) Best of luck!

  • Jason Ellis says:

    So why don’t you have a diet instead, maybe he is also worried about your health, remember getting fat means getting sickness then.

  • wickedman says:

    The world is changing my dear. We have to get motivated some how to live the change. Fight it and loose weight yourself. You will be happy your done so well for you and your family. Get motivated!demotivated blame

  • Hurt and alone says:

    So if a woman gains weight and has a health issue a man should leave her? Isn’t obesity a health issue? Then what about the vows “in sickness and in health”. Wouldn’t a better way to motivate is to come from a place of love?
    I was told my husband is embarrassed to go out with me and that if I lost weight he would then go out with me. Why? He should love me no matter what, right? I personally think that it is a very shallow thought and if he did love me, he would help me. Help me by loving me, telling me when I do look good (at whatever size) and dare to be seen with me. I am not horribly fat, yes I do need to lose weight. Whoever thought that motivation would come from criticism?

  • mikey says:

    40 minutes of your time 3 times a week can make you loose weight rather than sitting in front of the telly!come on people.

  • mikey says:

    At mike: your opinion maybe valid upto some extent but you have not experience it. This is feelings between couples. This is complicated and you can’t see through this feelings if you are not in it

  • mikey says:

    This depends on individual how they feel in their marriage. If you think your obesity is not getting in the way of you marriage then that’s fine. If you think there is nothing wrong in obesity why would the government be planing to class it as disease. I see people coming on here saying their husband says this or that, I think we should stop living in denial by looking for people to sympathise rather than seeking for honest support. In life we have to be able to live with criticism so that we can change this why we are on the site – power to change. I’m a very fit guy who spend hours in the gym five times a week but my wife is the opposite. We are very young couple at 32 and 34 years respectively. We have been together for 13 years. My wife weighs 130kg and she finds it hard to find clothes that suits her. Whenever we go on holiday she sleeps and claimed that she’s tired whenever I want to do productive stuff. I have kept quiet for 5 years thinking she will change but blame weight gain on other unreasonable things but still, I kept quiet. She has me a gym freak at home but goes on Internet to look for other people who can help her. She comes home telling what to be doing in the gym but I laughed it off all the time. I’m very attractive guy that gets women attention everywhere I go and this has not change my love for my family. This is affecting my sex life in the other way but I’m staying strong. Recently I tried to help after a lengthy talk that I can help. We spent more than 200 pounds on weight loss pills but she will start eating fatty stuff behind me and ignores exercise. She goes moody to avoid exercise I draw out for her. I now realised she is wasting my time and money. If you have to set your priorities right as things don’t come easy in this life. I feel the pain of mourning husbands and I understand overweight wives. At some point you both with have to set your priority straight. If you are not in the situation do not judge. The right thing is to loose weight and not be obese. In addition, I don’t my curvy woman but obese shows laziness as they can’t control their eating

  • Paca says:

    By the at my husband weighs 40 pound more than he did when we got married. I guess I should divorce him, huh Mike?

  • Paca says:

    You’re being a bit defensive. As I recall the original post said man or woman. But in your example you chose to use paint it as a problem of a woman getting fat and her husband leaving her not the reverse. Very telling.

    And no, being overweight is not always about being lazy nor is it always as simple as go to the gym. Some women’s bodies will never be the same after childbirth, and some men and women have health conditions that complicate the issue.

  • Mike says:

    Imagine I said “there’s nothing wrong with divorcing your spouse because they lost their hair or stated having hygiene issues or had an illness.”
    I know you will say but weight a person can control (maybe). Point is are you in a marriage for how it looks on the outside or are you committed especially if children are involved?

    Looks only have one thing to do with it. First of all, there is no maybe in regards to whether a person can physically lose weight. Anyone can diet and perform some kind of exercise.

    If she’s making a conscious decision to put on weight and ruin her appearance, then why does her husband have an obligation to remain attracted to her?

    Also, I’m willing to bet he’s not happy with her daily routine if she’s putting on so much weight. Putting on that much weight requires a very poor diet and very little physical activity. Maybe he’s tired of having a couch potato wife?

    I’m only providing a different point of view, that while its easy to be point out the husband as a bad person, I can clearly see his reasoning.

  • Paca says:

    “There’s nothing wrong with a Man/Woman wanting a divorce for a fat spouse, it’s a perfect legitimate reason to end a relationship.”

    Imagine I said “there’s nothing wrong with divorcing your spouse because they lost their hair or stated having hygiene issues or had an illness.”

    I know you will say but weight a person can control (maybe). Point is are you in a marriage for how it looks on the outside or are you committed especially if children are involved?

  • Janet says:

    Mike and all who agree with him,

    “There’s nothing wrong with a Man/Woman wanting a divorce for a fat spouse, it’s a perfect legitimate reason to end a relationship.”

    I disagree. That alone is a POOR reason to divorce.

    That is the crux if this topic.

    Janet

  • Mike says:

    “Mike, evidently, you have no problem with losing weight”

    I have the same problems losing weight that everyone else does. However I don’t make excuses to not exercise or to fill my face with cake. I have a quick run in the morning, and whenever I’m able to after work.

    “but sadly enough many women do, especially after being married for some time.”

    Many women do (as do men), when they get content with themselves and lose any ambition to improve themselves. Obviously a woman is going to put on weight when she’s pregnant, however she doesn’t have some overwhelming genetic difference in losing it following a pregnancy. There are multiple success stories around the internet about mothers who have maintained their weight following a pregnancy.

    “That being so does not give a husband license to belittle, mock, and otherwise use abusive language which can and usually does inflict psychological and emotional damage.”

    She never said that he was belittling or mocking her. He said that she was getting fat and he isn’t attracted to fat women. I’m willing to bet that the physical appearance isn’t the only thing he is unhappy about. She’s not putting on weight eating salads or being active. Maybe he’s unhappy that he’s no longer married to a person who cares about their own physical appearance or health.

    “It would be much better, if he truly loved his wife, to suggest a diet and exercise regimen and work through it with her.”

    I somewhat agree with you. However she’s a grown woman. How many years does it take to realize that when you fill your face and don’t work out, you’re going to put on weight? She’s not a child.

    “All to often, it would seem, husbands get tired of their wives like they would of an old pair of shoes, or a worn out shirt, and desire a new one. But God ordained marriage to last “til death do us part.”

    I disagree. Husbands & Wives get tired of their significant others when they let themselves go, especially if they are doing their share to stay fit/active. There’s nothing wrong with a Man/Woman wanting a divorce for a fat spouse, it’s a perfect legitimate reason to end a relationship.

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