My husband says I’m too fat

husbandsaysfatMy husband has been bothering me for the past year about my weight. I have gained thirty pounds since I met him. I have asked him to stop bothering me about it but two days ago he told me that I was not sexually attractive to him because I was so fat. He said that because of my obesity he has not wanted to be with me. I still have a good shape and plenty of men like the way I look. I wear a size 14 for my height of 5’3. I am so angry at him that I have not spoken to him. I don’t want to see, touch, hear, or be near him because of what he said. I am seriously thinking of getting out of this marriage because I have my whole life ahead of me. Maybe if he got counseling I would reconsider trying to work things out but right now I do not want to. We have had large arguments before, but he said that if I keep gaining weight he will leave me.

Advice: Does your weight interfere with your health? Do you have trouble doing the things that make life fun for you? Are you not able to function as well on the job or in your recreation? The longer it takes you to get that 30 pounds off, the more it will affect your gall bladder, knees, etc. Focus on your goals and let him see that you are enjoying life, even if he has a narrow focus. Pick up the book, Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. Write us back after you read the book and we will suggest how to get him into counseling and how to make communication the issue.

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158 Responses to “My husband says I’m too fat”

  • Lo says:

    There are a lot of questions left unanswered here. First, have you had kids with this man? If so, was it recently? If the answer to both of those questions is yes, then he needs to be more sensitive to you. Pregnancy, childbirth and breast feeding all cause weigh gain and take a lot of time to bounce back from. Secondly, what does he look like? Has he gained any weight? If he has, then he really needs to be quiet. I think that everyone, men and women alike, should maintain for their partners. But things like age and children are inherently going to change someone’s appearance. Depending on how old you are, how long you’ve been together and if you have kids, gaining 30 pounds isn’t such a massive amount of weight.

  • Elkay Elkay says:

    In his book “God Loves You, He Always Has – He Always Will”, from which this is adapted, David Jeremiah notes “One of the most revealing commentaries on the sad state of love in modern cultures is the growing omission of the phrase ‘till death do us part’ in traditional marriage ceremonies. Couples are hedging their bets, removing ‘forever’ from their shared vocabulary. Of course, keeping that phrase in a ceremony doesn’t make a marriage bulletproof. We’re staring down at alarming divorce statistics, no matter what words we use. But there’s something very sad about the ancient and holy institution of marriage becoming as casual, nonbinding and fleeting as the rice thrown at the couple.”

    For Christians, Job #1 is to grow in Christ-likeness and that means that when we love someone, we love them unconditionally, permanently, loyally. God did not bail on Adam and Eve when they violated His one restriction in Eden; He did not stop loving Moses even though he committed murder; He did not stop loving David even though he committed adultery and murder; and Jesus did not stop loving Peter after Peter denied Him three times.

    Love is an unrelenting, unconditional commitment to another person and it looks like the famous 13th chapter in 1 Corinthians. The total, loyal commitment of Godly love is the primary analogy in the book of Hosea. Just as Hosea had drawn his unfaithful wife, Gomer, back to him, so God had entreated His people to come back to Him. “I led Israel along with My ropes of kindness and love. I lifted the yoke from her neck, and I myself stooped to feed her.” (Hosea 11:4). That is how we are to love our mates.

    We are to be God-like in our love for our marriage partners; we have been created in His image and if someone abuses our love and this is why such abuse hurts us just as our sinfulness hurts God. Sadly, our human emotions are too often displayed sinfully: indignation swells into rage, hurt morphs into revenge.

    But we are the children of an eternal God and we are made for something better. We were made to experience and dispense the miracle of a selfless, patient, kind, yielding, forgiving, hopeful and enduring love – a love that does not quit, that does not demand return and is compassionate beyond measure.

    “Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love makes up for many of your faults.” (1 Peter 4:8, TLB)

  • Rashid says:

    Hi
    This is good argument for making win lose situation if the husband is too sensitive to weight then why he marry? People change in every way some husbsnd or wife become thinner , more add traction then better don’t marry marriage is commitment and lotality. It is fault of two people to contribute to many issues and condition. I pray to God people become more understand to each other and follow God message in Jesus in Just name Amen

  • Blackwood says:

    Cause your husband married a smaller woman and you got bigger than he likes. I doubt he’d have married you if you were as big as you are now when you met him. From his perspective, he found a woman that he liked and was physically attracted to. He’s not attracted to bigger girls. Is it wrong for him to be attracted to a particular type of woman? It sounds like he told you how he felt and you got mad at him for it. It’s kind of unfair if you bought an android and months later it transforms into an android. You have the power to change the situation, but you choose to gain weight, and make your husband out to be the bad guy. Just tell him you’re not gonna lose weight and you won’t do anything about it. If you don’t wanna lose weight, why should he have to change his sexual attraction preferences? You’re in a marriage, you gotta meet halfway on these issues.

  • Rashid says:

    Hi Elkay
    Thank you for praying for me God bless you

  • Elkay Elkay says:

    Rashid, you have asked for a prayer and as I look back over this string, it seems that prayer for all of our marriages is appropriate . . .

    O God of love, You have established marriage for the welfare and happiness of mankind. Yours was the plan and only with You can we work it out with joy. You have said, “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helpmate for him.” Now our marriage joys are doubled since the happiness of one is the happiness of the other. Our burdens now are halved since when we share them, we divide the load.

    Bless each and every husband in this string. Bless him as provider of nourishment and clothing and sustain him in all the toils and pressures of his battle for bread. May his strength be her protection, his character be her boast and her pride, and may he so live that she will find in him the haven for which the heart of a woman truly longs.

    Bless each and every loving wife in this string. Give her a tenderness that will make her great, a deep sense of understanding and a great faith in You. Give her that inner beauty of soul that never fades, that eternal youth that is found in holding fast the things that never age.

    Lord, teach us that marriage is not living for oneself nor even merely for each other; it is two souls uniting and joining hands to serve You. Give us a great spiritual purpose in life. May we seek first the kingdom of God and Your righteousness, and know that the other things will be added unto us.

    In our marriages, may we not expect that perfection of or from each other that belongs to You alone. May we minimize each other’s weaknesses, be swift to praise and magnify each other’s points of beauty and strength, and see each other through a lover’s kind, adoring and patient eyes.

    Now Lord, make such assignments to us on the scroll of Your will as will bless us and develop our characters as we walk together. Give us enough tears to keep us tender, enough hurts to keep us humane, enough failure to keep our hands clenched tightly in Yours, and enough success to make us sure that we walk rightly with You.

    May we never take each other’s love for granted, but always experience that breathless wonder that exclaims, “Out of this entire world, you have chosen me.”

    When life is done and the sun is setting, may we be found then as now still hand in hand, still thanking You for one other. May we serve You happily, faithfully, together, until at last one shall lay the other into Your arms.

    This we ask through Jesus Christ, Great Lover of Our Souls. Amen.

  • Rashid says:

    Hi
    Elkay
    You made beautiful message I can hear it and it very effective message.
    One of the best message was about the about of words of wise using carefully during conversation with love one including children. I do agree words have great power to bring closeness and bad words can bring damages to relationships good advise to slow to get angry other wise beside damage to there we damage to ourself
    too.
    Elkay I pray to Holy spirit to bless you in every way in Jesus name Amen.i will be requesting you to pray if you feel thank you

  • Elkay Elkay says:

    Wow! So much emphasis on external physical appearance, I guess because of Hollywood’s influence and that’s the wrong place to get our life goals. The right life goal is to glorify God and a really good way to do that is by unselfishly working to create a healthy, successful marriage. That’s because God created male and female in His image and then joined them in marriage. Yes, for the marriage to be its best, both partners have to work together, but if yours doesn’t do this, that’s no excuse for you to quit.

    Husbands are to sacrificially love their wives (Eph 5:25, and here “love” is not only an emotion but means putting her best interests foremost) and wives are to respect their husbands (Eph 5:33, and this might mean gaining or losing some weight if it is that important to him). Speaking for the Lord, Paul asks “Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.” (Phil 2:1-2) He goes on to say “Therefore comfort each other and edify one another.“ (1 Thess 5:11) This “marriage advice” is in Scripture because God wants your marriage to be blessed and to honor Him.

    Practically speaking, you and your mate will need to get together with this objective in mind and “gently tell the truth in a loving manner” (Eph 4:15) and then set reasonable goals for yourselves, goals that progress in is measurable and then be accountable to one another. If your partner is not willing to work on this together, then at least get him/her to tell you their side of the story and set your own goals to make the marriage better. It is very reasonable along these lines that both parties desire a healthy body and lifestyle for one another. He/she will see you working to meet their desires and prayerfully will respond positively to your interest in having a better marriage.

    One more thing from Prov 12:18 . . . “Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.” In other words, carefully watch what you say because words have great power to bless or to wound. The world may applaud quick-witted retorts, but James 1:19 instructs us to be “quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry” so when you speak carelessly or negatively, you damage others as well as yourself. As positive speech patterns replace negative ones, the increase in your inner peace and joy will amaze you.

    This advice will not work without the Holy Spirit’s involvement in changing your conscious behavior by gently bringing more Christ-likeness into your subconscious, if you are yielded to Him. (This is how He works.) As Barbara said on August 8, “Do you not know that you are the temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you?” (1 Corinthians 3:16) Her comments about proper care and respect for your body, the temple of God, are well worth re-reading.

    So we can pray, “Abba Father, we confess that we frequently fail at promoting a God-honoring lifestyle and marriage body, even when we know that both of these are important to You. We also know that we will continue failing if we work on our own efforts without the influence of Your Holy Spirit. So we ask Your indwelling Spirit to search our hearts and minds for all that is hampering a transformation of our marriage into a more pleasing reflection of Your image; we then seek to yield to His influence in making the changes in us that will please You. We pray this in the precious name of Jesus Christ. Amen.”

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