My husband says I’m too fat

husbandsaysfatMy husband has been bothering me for the past year about my weight. I have gained thirty pounds since I met him. I have asked him to stop bothering me about it but two days ago he told me that I was not sexually attractive to him because I was so fat. He said that because of my obesity he has not wanted to be with me. I still have a good shape and plenty of men like the way I look. I wear a size 14 for my height of 5’3. I am so angry at him that I have not spoken to him. I don’t want to see, touch, hear, or be near him because of what he said. I am seriously thinking of getting out of this marriage because I have my whole life ahead of me. Maybe if he got counseling I would reconsider trying to work things out but right now I do not want to. We have had large arguments before, but he said that if I keep gaining weight he will leave me.

Advice: Does your weight interfere with your health? Do you have trouble doing the things that make life fun for you? Are you not able to function as well on the job or in your recreation? The longer it takes you to get that 30 pounds off, the more it will affect your gall bladder, knees, etc. Focus on your goals and let him see that you are enjoying life, even if he has a narrow focus. Pick up the book, Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. Write us back after you read the book and we will suggest how to get him into counseling and how to make communication the issue.

Read Karen’s Story: The Perfect Anorexic.


270 Responses to “My husband says I’m too fat”

  • Dot says:

    Um… Looks fade personality stays. You can’t expect your partner to be perfect forever. That’s the oath you took on your wedding day. I’m a male and I will love my wife till the day I die and want to make love to her if I still can no matter what she looks like.

  • Jizxle says:

    Reading all these comments from these wack husbands make me happy that I’m not married.

  • Jackie says:

    Loose weight, and dump his [expletive removed].

  • Miss Lizzy says:

    Hi, I’m so sorry to hear this but I do feel better that my husband is not the only jerk around. I gained weight after 3 miscarriages and 2 children. I’m in a size 14 now from an 8. I’m actually losing weight, I lost 10 pounds and I’ve begun a workout regime. He told me last night that I was fat and sloppy. I can’t believe he said it, I can’t even think about it without crying. I’m so hurt about it. I can’t understand why he would wait until I began losing weight to go there. I’m so sorry to hear this is common, but lose weight for your health. That’s why I am…

  • AmyE says:

    “Your choice to gain 30 pounds is signal of your own unhappiness and irresponsibility.”

    You do realize that it is actually recommended that a woman who’s pregnant gain 20-25 pounds for the health of the child? For some women, that weight never comes off after childbirth.

    You do realize that there are many medications and therapies on the market that list an average (yes average) weight gain of 20 or more pounds?

    The more I read these comments from disgruntled husbands the more I realize the average man has no idea how different women’s bodies are from theirs or how they work. Our bodies are designed to keep weight on as an evolutionary survival mechanism.

    Besides the real point here is not the weight gain but how you as a couple deal with it. Understanding your wife’s physical challenges and encouraging her to eat healthy and going to the gym and on walks together is supportive and will get you far better results. Calling her names, telling her she’s a bad wife and doing nothing to support her in making a positive lifestyle change is not and will get you nothing but resentment and more weight gain (and possibly a divorce).

    How many of you have gone to the gym with her or planned some kind of physical activity as a couple? How many of you have stopped bringing junk food into the house and experimented with healthy meals (my ex brought McDonalds and Doritos into the house constantly when he knew I was trying to lose weight–we all know what that was about). How many of you have done anything except sit on your own asses and complain about it being her problem? I wonder how many of these wives are actually overweight as a consequence of eating to ease the pain of being in a bad relationship.

    Brent you liken weight gain to substance abuse. If you’ve ever dealt with it personally, you should know that threats and withholding affection only gets you a more severe addict that resents you even more.

    Try being part of the solution instead of part of the problem before you throw up your hands and walk.

  • Brent says:

    I really find it irresonsible for women to gain weight in a marriage and then think that a husband should go to counselling because he has the reaction he has. A good part of a relationship is physical and we all want to have someone whose body we’re excited by. When you made a commitment to your husband, you also made a commitment to put your own addictions aside so you can have a happy relationship. There are many selfish hedonistic things I would very much enjoy to do if I was complete jerk, but I’m in a marriage which means my devotion to my wife and her happiness is worth more than grabbing a bottle and selfishly sitting around the house. Your choice to gain 30 pounds is signal of your own unhappiness and irresponsibility. Choose to be in a marriage and get in shape for the expectations that involves, or get out and have all the haggendass icrecream on the sofa you want. Choose. You wouldn’t have gotten the guy at 30 pounds greater, so why should you expect to keep him? Love? That sabotages what love is and subjugates the man out of obligation to be with you. Sorry no.

  • Mustang Sally says:

    That was so right on and well said I got a little shiver for a second!!

  • AmyE says:

    In response to “a husband speaks”…

    I’m lying, huh?

    Why then do men still cheat on thin women?

    Because life’s a bit more complicated than thin wife = devoted husband, fat wife = cheating husband/ex-husband.

    Besides, nowhere did I say people (men and women) should not try and live healthy. (Healthy =/= skinny in every instance).

    I’m well aware the husbands are angry because they perceive that a fat wife reflects poorly on them and they think they deserve a thin wife (actual words from a commenter called “dude.”) Which is why not one of them responded to my question about whether a wife deserves a rich husband. And they won’t.

  • Jennad says:

    Its very hard, I have 3 young children. 5 years old, 2 years old and a 1 year old. The oldest is starting school, homeschool that is, so no break there. I’m responsible for housework, cooking, and caring for all the kids, and myself. Its not an easy task to take care of yourself in the midst of all the chaos. But it is possible. The more I do it the easier it gets, I have more energy, I feel better and my relationship with my husband is stronger than ever. Thank you for the prayers Susan, they mean so much.

  • Jennad says:

    Hello Susan! Sorry again for the delay in response! And thank you for checking up with me. I am doing well, I have been on a new diet plan and exercise routine, and I have lost weight!! I am feeling great and my marriage is much more healthy now. My husband feels that his needs matter and his attraction to me is returning. It really is worth the extra effort to try to be in shape. Not just for my marriage but also for myself.

  • A Husband Speaks says:

    All of you women saying “screw him”, or “even if you’re thin he’ll still cheat” are flat out LYING to you. AmyE is 100% wrong. If your husband is in reasonable shape then you should be too. Period.

    To be fat and demand him to still find you attractive is selfish and ignorant. You are NOT the victim… he is.

  • Cgen says:

    AmyE hit it on the head.

  • Susan says:


    It has been awhile, I wanted to see how you are doing?

  • JennaD says:

    Dear Aldo and Susan,
    Thank you so much for the prayers for me. You have no idea how much that means to me. Please excuse the delayed response, I just happened to come back to the site and noticed you had replied To my comments. God bless you both and your families. As well as everyone else on the blog going through hard times.

  • Mustang Sally says:

    Tell him thats okay you arent in the mood for sex anyway bc ur too tired from working, doing all the chores and childcare. Tell him u will work on ur weight but you were also meaning to discuss his need to help around the house and childcare since he’s not working right now, and this is a great time to take care of honey do’s too. He will still have time for the gym, but if he’s not working then ALL household concerns should automatically shift to the othet person, whether its the male or female, but you are only asking for about 1/3rd of that effort from him until he returns to work. Then tell him u need some personal fitness time without the toddler whether thats a gym, a dance class or a massage session — thats up to you.

    If he is less into your relationship than u are and he assumes you know that but are still willing to be taken advantage if in this way bc of finances or wondering if you can handle being s single parent, so he is abusing his power and on top of that critiques your weight which you probably gained having a child, then you may be trying to keep a zombie marriage look alive. I wonder if he is talking to or staring at girls at the gym? Your marriage may be over but he has reduced you to a live-in slave — thank goodness he doesnt also demand that you be his sex provider while he shuns your weight (which isnt even that much…) AND entertains his mind w other women.

  • AmyE says:

    Dude, a husband deserves a thin wife? Ok so does a wife deserve a rich husband? Should she leave him if he fails to do so?

  • Idk.wife. says:

    Im in the same boat. A coyole days ago my husbamd told me we dont have sex anynore because of my weight. Im 200lbs and 5’7. I wear size 14-16. Im so mad because he lireral goes to the gym and collects unemployment. I get uo at 5am and do school work, clean and work. I also do all tgw ahopoing and cooking. I just dont jnow where gets off telling me anything when I never get a break to go to tge gym. Im also tge ine who takes care of our toddler. Not him. What sgoyld i do? I feel like leaving him iver this one comment.

  • Dude says:

    Your husband does NOT need counseling! You need to lose the weight! Fat is not attractive to the vast majority of humans. The only way to gain weight is to eat to much and not get enough exercise. PERIOD!

    The politically correct nonsense in our society will not change anything. Your husband does not find you attractive because YOU have gained too much weight. It is selfish of YOU to expect him to be attracted to you, if you let yourself get too heavy. “Chubby chasers,” are a fetish. A fetish your husband doesn’t possess.

    I agree with “Get healthy because you deserve nothing less than a happy and long life.” But doesn’t your husband deserve a wife he finds irresistible? You know, like the woman he married? Does he mean that little to you? If he does, please divorce him. He deserves better.

  • AmyE says:

    Here is the thing. Being thin will not keep your husband attracted or around. Telling women this is just a lie. You can get thin/stay thin and he could still leave or cheat. Marriage is hard and most people want out after a while. Weight gain, loss of attractiveness, money problems, etc those are just excuses.

    Get healthy for YOU. Get healthy becuase you will live longer. More importantly you’ll live healthier in your old age. Get healthy because you will feel better. You will sleep better. You will have more energy. You will cope with stress better. You cut your risk of depression, diabetes, heart disease and just about any disease you can imagine. Get healthy so your children and grandchildren will have you in their lives longer. Get healthy so you feel sexy and strong. So you love how your clothes fit (and not having to change 10 times before you go out because nothing fits.)

    Get healthy because you deserve nothing less than a happy and long life.

  • Elkay says:

    Thank you, Mustang Sally, for those two links. Dr. Ramsey did a nice job documenting the first link and the second link was clear in discussing the differences in HRT treatments. Anyone considering HRT should definitely ask their physician to explore the use of bio-identical HRT and explain their conclusions.

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