My husband says I’m too fat

husbandsaysfatMy husband has been bothering me for the past year about my weight. I have gained thirty pounds since I met him. I have asked him to stop bothering me about it but two days ago he told me that I was not sexually attractive to him because I was so fat. He said that because of my obesity he has not wanted to be with me. I still have a good shape and plenty of men like the way I look. I wear a size 14 for my height of 5’3. I am so angry at him that I have not spoken to him. I don’t want to see, touch, hear, or be near him because of what he said. I am seriously thinking of getting out of this marriage because I have my whole life ahead of me. Maybe if he got counseling I would reconsider trying to work things out but right now I do not want to. We have had large arguments before, but he said that if I keep gaining weight he will leave me.

Advice: Does your weight interfere with your health? Do you have trouble doing the things that make life fun for you? Are you not able to function as well on the job or in your recreation? The longer it takes you to get that 30 pounds off, the more it will affect your gall bladder, knees, etc. Focus on your goals and let him see that you are enjoying life, even if he has a narrow focus. Pick up the book, Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. Write us back after you read the book and we will suggest how to get him into counseling and how to make communication the issue.

Read Karen’s Story: The Perfect Anorexic.


287 Responses to “My husband says I’m too fat”

  • Aldo says:

    Jyo, Breadwinners Unite, and Disgusted dude, clearly it is close to impossible to lose weight, for some more so than others, but we must realize that that in itself is not a valid reason for divorce or even separation.

    In marriage, we have all made a covenant with our spouse, before God, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do we part. But for over half the married people in the United States, it seems as though they believe that those marriage vows are a preference rather than a conviction.

    That is why our country is in the state that it is in. Family is the bedrock of any country, and the forces of evil have been continually bombarding it since the beginning of time. Of course, it is much easier and convenient to just “walk and away” from an unpleasant situation than to stick it out because it’s the right thing to do.

    I am naive enough to believe that the weight problem on either side of the marriage is not the real issue. The real issue is that we have become dissatisfied with and unloving toward our mates.

    The Bible tells us in Romans 10:12, “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” Just imagine what would transpire in our marriages, families, and the whole of society, if that one verse was obeyed.

  • Disgusted dude says:

    My wife is atleast 75 lbs over weight. She gained most of it when she had our first child 27 years ago. She has “dieted” ever since and toyed with loosing 20-30 lbs several times. Then she quits. Almost like she had reached her goal. Then she gains more than she had before… yoyo. I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that she will always be obese and I will never have anything close to the woman I married. She is happy to be fat and I am disgusted and can hardly look at her. She also goes on these “sex sabatticals” for 2 weeks to 3 months at a time, several times a year. She seems to think she can eat her way thin, but it hasn’t worked for 27 years. How do I get her to actually exercise and truly loose the weight? She quits most everything she does including her short diets. Now I know you haters out there, yes I have gained weight too, just not nearly the same amount or ratio/height. We are dieting together right now, I’ve lost 25 lbs, and she lost her sex drive (no weight that I can tell). Help.

  • Breadwinners Unite says:

    If you work while your husband calls you fat and sits home complaining, then you need to have him find other living arrangements. Trust me ladies, I have a super hot husband and I wear a size 16, and he loves mashing it up. He’s a real man, shares housework, and owns his own construction company. I’m a full-time teacher and he makes time to bring me lunch at least once a week so he can be with me longer than we have time. Please dump your superficial men, especially if he isn’t employed. Your kids will get over a critical loafer and you can find someone who lifts your spirit.

  • jyo says:

    I thought am the only girl facing such issues at home .. Everytime am teased about my weight .even now adays my kids have started teasing me . Seems like everyone here are going through the same pain . so what we supposed to do ?? sheding weight is good for us but unable to do …

  • Elevate your mind body and soul says:

    I’m posting this because I’m a man going through a similar struggle in my marriage. First off I want to say that I love my wife and truly want what’s best for her. I still make love to her and do my best to make her feel desired but inside I’m turned of by her lack of concern about the way her body looks to herself most importantly forget about what others think. I see it all the time. When women are single they hit the gym and do their best to look their best in hopes of catching a good man. And then when they do, they let themselves go and claim every excuse in the world is keeping them from being able to workout. and stay fit. In my case my wife just doesn’t care about how her body looks and it’s selfish and inconsiderate. If I don’t make enough money then yes she’ll complain and say unsupportive comments but how dare I suggest a healthy lifestyle change that will benefit everyone. It’s not fair but that’s not the point. The point is that people are selfish and tend to put themselves first even in a marriage when the opposite should be the case. If you love your man and want him to be happy then you should be doing everything within your power to make that man happy and make his life with you better. In reality most of you females are just lazy and don’t like exerting energy or working hard at something and therefore you find excuses that aren’t true to support your behavior. I suggest you put your pride to the side, find 30 min to exercise 5 days a week, and go on and live a happy life with your husband. That is if you guys really do have love in your relationship. If your husbands not happy with that then chances are he never loved you to begin with. Either way you should do it for yourself because it will make your life better. Now if you just want to get fat and not worry about it then you don’t really love your husband or yourself for that matter and you’ll never be happy anyway. You’re better off just being alone or finding a fat guy who doesn’t value a healthy body. That’s just my take on it.

  • Krissy says:

    Hi Jenny! I’m sorry about your marital struggles. My husband already told me as well that he’s no longer attracted to me because I was gaining so many lbs and I have a muffin top and his facial expression showed disgust! I felt horrible about myself and how I let my self go because I was always active but we moved to another city where there was no gym close and I went from 130 to 147lbs. I decided to start exercise I even paid for a trainer and run everyday, weight lift. I lost 27lbs in a year. I now weigh 120. I’m very active so slim. abs so flat. I’ve never felt sexier!But guess what… He’s still not satisfied. He told me my boobs have shrunk my ass got smaller and he preferred how my body looked before I started to exercise. Well I gained some lbs to satisfy my husband again. I now weigh 126lbs and my boobs are back. nice and round 32D. I also lovee my butt! My trainer have me squatting 125lbs to build those muscles in my butt. and I decided to compete next yr for a bikini fitness body competition… WELLLL my husband is so furious about my decision and told me.. “HE WANTS A DIVORCE! Bc I’m taking this fitness thing too serious now!” (shaking my head) -This time. I’ll give him exactly what he wants-A divorce. I’m tired of trying to please a man that can never be please obviously! My point of my story is… Live your life for you.. Don’t let no one dim ur happiness bc of their own insecurities.. whether u r fat, skinny, fit, thick or curvy a person who truly love you, Will love u for who u r.. and that I found that person – ME! I love me! :)

  • Chris says:

    Jenny…i regret to hear of your marital relationship struggles…my suggestion would be to look to God for your acceptance since it appears your husband doesnt, at least as he should. we realize our mates will never love us perfectly as christ does, so its best not to fret when they speak or say things jesus wouldnt. that way we can live peacefully despite, with or without others who do not represent jesus to us. i would encouage you to log onto or click talk to a mentor above so you can begin living freely from what others say or think about you, including your husband. though you are married to him, he doesnt have to lord over your life and alter your frame of mind. you can let the bible be your daily voice and guide. blessings!

  • Jenny says:

    Wow..I googled this topic because my husband has mentioned several times that we made a commitment to each other that we would stay in great shape. I’ve gained 15 pounds since we met. I was 120 lbs at 5’3 and now I’m 135. I’ve been working a lot of long hours and most of the time I’m really too tired to work out. I realize that I’m not in the same shape when I first got married, but I don’t feel like I’m disgusting. The way my husband references to my weight gain, makes me feel like I’m sloppy and disgusting, because I’m not a supermodel. He was a waiter at a restaurant when I married him, so I didn’t marry him for money. I loved him because i believed he was a caring and loving man. Fast forward 6 years, he’s switched different jobs and careers 3-4 times. I am the bread winner of this house.. My point is, when I married him, we both had expectations. He expected that i stayed in great shape and i expected that he would share in the responsibility of our finances, yet I don’t bring up the fact that he’s not making enough money. I would be a horrible wife to make that demand. Yet, he feels like he can always remind me that I’m not in shape. It’s not fair!!!

  • tania silva says:

    So last night, I was gathering up the dishes we used to eat swiss chalet. My daughter was sitting in the floor playing with her dad. My daughter happened to move as soon as I walked by her and j accident tally stepped on her toe. Si she cried. My husband quickly grabbed her and the look he had on his face while looking at me, seemed as if he taught I did it in purpose. He consoled her and made her feel better but what he said to me next just hurt me so much. ..

    I have 2 children ages 4 and 2. My daughter is the oldest. I had depression before and quite frankly, I feel I still do. I have no self esteem based on my past experiences and problem of letting go. But I care so much of what people say, think or talk about me.

    .so he says this to me :

    ” You need to loose weight you are getting fat. You are getting big!” Just moments after I accidentally stepped on my daughters toe.
    I understand I need to loose weight but there was no need of him telling me that exactly at that moment that I accidentally stepped on my daughters foot. He made me feel like a big elephant or whale that fell on her!

    I felt shattered and I still do! It is the way he said it and the time he said that hurt me the most. He had gained weight himself but I have never criticized him or made him feel the way he did to me . We also have no sex …we rarely do. When we do it is only for his pleasure and that’s it. Yes for few minutes and does not care about me. He says it’s because he smokes.

    I am hurt and now I feel so effected by it that I can’t seem to cope. It’s like I’m back to when I first started taking antidepressants due to lack of self confidence.

    When he came back to talk to me not even an apology he gave me. Instead be lived I should be thankful he told me that he said if he didn’t love me he wouldn’t have said anything. But no apology and not sensitive with how I felt or why I felt the way I did. Instead, he threatened to leave the house and sleep at a hotel for the weekend as I said I wanted some space and be left alone as I was sad. Making it feel as of I did the wrong and I should just forget about it.

    I recently gave up my 10 year carrear job as an ece. I did it to benefit my children as they have no routine at home and it’s always in a rush. Hut seems to me that now it bothers him that I will be home. He was always on and of with jobs since I met him for 5 years ! (I’ve been with him for 5 years) when it comes to our children appointments, finding a babysitter, sickness etc it all falls on me. When it comes to the home maintanance it’s on me. If the house is messy it is because I am so messy and disorganized *( according to him) I am lacking self confidence again. I am hurt and broken . He still does not know how hurt I feel though I told him.

    I am going through the same as you….it really sucks :(

  • Meme says:

    my husband is fat a lot bigger than me! Yet he criticised my weight lots… Should I criticise his bad teeth and lack of job?????

  • Henna says:

    This Weight issue has been constant arguement in our life too. My husband was around 65-70 kg when we dated. When we married he was already 80-85kg. And now 7 years since dating he is 120kg. Over these years I have with care explained about weight loss. Frankly I do feel shy while introducing him to my circle of people.I have reasoned health grounds etc..but nothing worked. He eats fatty non veg and lives carbs n sweets. I feel deep down very frustrated but I m helpless. On top of that double whammy is I m very health conscious but I suffer from auto immune issue. So I loose my power in discussion.

  • AmyE says:

    Laura Fessenden, I posed that same question to Dude – should his wife leave him if he loses his job. Of course, he didn’t answer.

    I also pointed out that supporting your wife in helping her lose weight works far better than calling her names and threatening to divorce her. You chose not to address that.

    By the way, obesity is not just a female problem. 3 out of 4 American men are now classified as overweight or obese. I guess women need to catch up and start dumping their husbands for weight gain, too, right?

    My own husband gained 40 pounds since we got married. You know what I did? I worked out with him, cooked healthier meals and accepted that even with your best efforts, adults gain weight as they age.

    What I did not do is tell him I wasn’t sexually attracted to him or threaten to leave him as if his weight gain was an act of disrespect towards me. And you know what? He has done the same for me. Imagine that!

  • Jamie Moderator says:

    This forum is intended to be a safe place for civil discussion and support. Different opinions on these topics are welcome but messages that are disrespectful, demeaning or cruel will be removed.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    How do the conversations about weight with you spouse go? How do you try to use those as opportunities to strengthen the connection between the two of you, rather than allowing walls to get built up?

  • Laura Fessenden says:

    Amy E…I agree with Dude…I if husband was rich when u married him, you rightfully expect and deserve to be taken care of, unless things happen out of his control.
    A man expects wife to take care of herself if she’s thin, try to maintain herself if that’s who he married.
    Everyone probably gains a little weight with age, that’s expected. But to just let yourself go after you get married is lazy and selfish

  • Laura Fessenden says:

    If you married your husband reasonably slim, he has a right to expect you to stay this way. You have same right.
    And face it, most of weight gain is in what you eat, not your activity level.
    You cant marry, pork up and then complain he’s not interested.
    Looks do fade, but becoming fat and sloppy is preventable, unlike other signs of aging, like thinning hair, etc

  • Who knows says:

    I tried to tell my husband that he’s not attracted to me. I gained 20 lbs but I’m always fat… And now he’s talking about I’m too fat for anyone to be attracted to me. I told him he may not be, but others would be attracted. I think he’s only with me Bc he doesn’t work. I work and pay bills. And he drinks and wastes his life playing video games.

  • Dot says:

    Um… Looks fade personality stays. You can’t expect your partner to be perfect forever. That’s the oath you took on your wedding day. I’m a male and I will love my wife till the day I die and want to make love to her if I still can no matter what she looks like.

  • Jizxle says:

    Reading all these comments from these wack husbands make me happy that I’m not married.

  • Jackie says:

    Loose weight, and dump his [expletive removed].

  • Miss Lizzy says:

    Hi, I’m so sorry to hear this but I do feel better that my husband is not the only jerk around. I gained weight after 3 miscarriages and 2 children. I’m in a size 14 now from an 8. I’m actually losing weight, I lost 10 pounds and I’ve begun a workout regime. He told me last night that I was fat and sloppy. I can’t believe he said it, I can’t even think about it without crying. I’m so hurt about it. I can’t understand why he would wait until I began losing weight to go there. I’m so sorry to hear this is common, but lose weight for your health. That’s why I am…

  • AmyE says:

    “Your choice to gain 30 pounds is signal of your own unhappiness and irresponsibility.”

    You do realize that it is actually recommended that a woman who’s pregnant gain 20-25 pounds for the health of the child? For some women, that weight never comes off after childbirth.

    You do realize that there are many medications and therapies on the market that list an average (yes average) weight gain of 20 or more pounds?

    The more I read these comments from disgruntled husbands the more I realize the average man has no idea how different women’s bodies are from theirs or how they work. Our bodies are designed to keep weight on as an evolutionary survival mechanism.

    Besides the real point here is not the weight gain but how you as a couple deal with it. Understanding your wife’s physical challenges and encouraging her to eat healthy and going to the gym and on walks together is supportive and will get you far better results. Calling her names, telling her she’s a bad wife and doing nothing to support her in making a positive lifestyle change is not and will get you nothing but resentment and more weight gain (and possibly a divorce).

    How many of you have gone to the gym with her or planned some kind of physical activity as a couple? How many of you have stopped bringing junk food into the house and experimented with healthy meals (my ex brought McDonalds and Doritos into the house constantly when he knew I was trying to lose weight–we all know what that was about). How many of you have done anything except sit on your own asses and complain about it being her problem? I wonder how many of these wives are actually overweight as a consequence of eating to ease the pain of being in a bad relationship.

    Brent you liken weight gain to substance abuse. If you’ve ever dealt with it personally, you should know that threats and withholding affection only gets you a more severe addict that resents you even more.

    Try being part of the solution instead of part of the problem before you throw up your hands and walk.

  • Brent says:

    I really find it irresonsible for women to gain weight in a marriage and then think that a husband should go to counselling because he has the reaction he has. A good part of a relationship is physical and we all want to have someone whose body we’re excited by. When you made a commitment to your husband, you also made a commitment to put your own addictions aside so you can have a happy relationship. There are many selfish hedonistic things I would very much enjoy to do if I was complete jerk, but I’m in a marriage which means my devotion to my wife and her happiness is worth more than grabbing a bottle and selfishly sitting around the house. Your choice to gain 30 pounds is signal of your own unhappiness and irresponsibility. Choose to be in a marriage and get in shape for the expectations that involves, or get out and have all the haggendass icrecream on the sofa you want. Choose. You wouldn’t have gotten the guy at 30 pounds greater, so why should you expect to keep him? Love? That sabotages what love is and subjugates the man out of obligation to be with you. Sorry no.

  • Mustang Sally says:

    That was so right on and well said I got a little shiver for a second!!

  • AmyE says:

    In response to “a husband speaks”…

    I’m lying, huh?

    Why then do men still cheat on thin women?

    Because life’s a bit more complicated than thin wife = devoted husband, fat wife = cheating husband/ex-husband.

    Besides, nowhere did I say people (men and women) should not try and live healthy. (Healthy =/= skinny in every instance).

    I’m well aware the husbands are angry because they perceive that a fat wife reflects poorly on them and they think they deserve a thin wife (actual words from a commenter called “dude.”) Which is why not one of them responded to my question about whether a wife deserves a rich husband. And they won’t.

  • Jennad says:

    Its very hard, I have 3 young children. 5 years old, 2 years old and a 1 year old. The oldest is starting school, homeschool that is, so no break there. I’m responsible for housework, cooking, and caring for all the kids, and myself. Its not an easy task to take care of yourself in the midst of all the chaos. But it is possible. The more I do it the easier it gets, I have more energy, I feel better and my relationship with my husband is stronger than ever. Thank you for the prayers Susan, they mean so much.

  • Jennad says:

    Hello Susan! Sorry again for the delay in response! And thank you for checking up with me. I am doing well, I have been on a new diet plan and exercise routine, and I have lost weight!! I am feeling great and my marriage is much more healthy now. My husband feels that his needs matter and his attraction to me is returning. It really is worth the extra effort to try to be in shape. Not just for my marriage but also for myself.

  • A Husband Speaks says:

    All of you women saying “screw him”, or “even if you’re thin he’ll still cheat” are flat out LYING to you. AmyE is 100% wrong. If your husband is in reasonable shape then you should be too. Period.

    To be fat and demand him to still find you attractive is selfish and ignorant. You are NOT the victim… he is.

  • Cgen says:

    AmyE hit it on the head.

  • Susan says:


    It has been awhile, I wanted to see how you are doing?

  • JennaD says:

    Dear Aldo and Susan,
    Thank you so much for the prayers for me. You have no idea how much that means to me. Please excuse the delayed response, I just happened to come back to the site and noticed you had replied To my comments. God bless you both and your families. As well as everyone else on the blog going through hard times.

  • Mustang Sally says:

    Tell him thats okay you arent in the mood for sex anyway bc ur too tired from working, doing all the chores and childcare. Tell him u will work on ur weight but you were also meaning to discuss his need to help around the house and childcare since he’s not working right now, and this is a great time to take care of honey do’s too. He will still have time for the gym, but if he’s not working then ALL household concerns should automatically shift to the othet person, whether its the male or female, but you are only asking for about 1/3rd of that effort from him until he returns to work. Then tell him u need some personal fitness time without the toddler whether thats a gym, a dance class or a massage session — thats up to you.

    If he is less into your relationship than u are and he assumes you know that but are still willing to be taken advantage if in this way bc of finances or wondering if you can handle being s single parent, so he is abusing his power and on top of that critiques your weight which you probably gained having a child, then you may be trying to keep a zombie marriage look alive. I wonder if he is talking to or staring at girls at the gym? Your marriage may be over but he has reduced you to a live-in slave — thank goodness he doesnt also demand that you be his sex provider while he shuns your weight (which isnt even that much…) AND entertains his mind w other women.

  • AmyE says:

    Dude, a husband deserves a thin wife? Ok so does a wife deserve a rich husband? Should she leave him if he fails to do so?

  • Idk.wife. says:

    Im in the same boat. A coyole days ago my husbamd told me we dont have sex anynore because of my weight. Im 200lbs and 5’7. I wear size 14-16. Im so mad because he lireral goes to the gym and collects unemployment. I get uo at 5am and do school work, clean and work. I also do all tgw ahopoing and cooking. I just dont jnow where gets off telling me anything when I never get a break to go to tge gym. Im also tge ine who takes care of our toddler. Not him. What sgoyld i do? I feel like leaving him iver this one comment.

  • Dude says:

    Your husband does NOT need counseling! You need to lose the weight! Fat is not attractive to the vast majority of humans. The only way to gain weight is to eat to much and not get enough exercise. PERIOD!

    The politically correct nonsense in our society will not change anything. Your husband does not find you attractive because YOU have gained too much weight. It is selfish of YOU to expect him to be attracted to you, if you let yourself get too heavy. “Chubby chasers,” are a fetish. A fetish your husband doesn’t possess.

    I agree with “Get healthy because you deserve nothing less than a happy and long life.” But doesn’t your husband deserve a wife he finds irresistible? You know, like the woman he married? Does he mean that little to you? If he does, please divorce him. He deserves better.

  • AmyE says:

    Here is the thing. Being thin will not keep your husband attracted or around. Telling women this is just a lie. You can get thin/stay thin and he could still leave or cheat. Marriage is hard and most people want out after a while. Weight gain, loss of attractiveness, money problems, etc those are just excuses.

    Get healthy for YOU. Get healthy becuase you will live longer. More importantly you’ll live healthier in your old age. Get healthy because you will feel better. You will sleep better. You will have more energy. You will cope with stress better. You cut your risk of depression, diabetes, heart disease and just about any disease you can imagine. Get healthy so your children and grandchildren will have you in their lives longer. Get healthy so you feel sexy and strong. So you love how your clothes fit (and not having to change 10 times before you go out because nothing fits.)

    Get healthy because you deserve nothing less than a happy and long life.

  • Elkay says:

    Thank you, Mustang Sally, for those two links. Dr. Ramsey did a nice job documenting the first link and the second link was clear in discussing the differences in HRT treatments. Anyone considering HRT should definitely ask their physician to explore the use of bio-identical HRT and explain their conclusions.

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