My husband says I’m too fat

husbandsaysfatMy husband has been bothering me for the past year about my weight. I have gained thirty pounds since I met him. I have asked him to stop bothering me about it but two days ago he told me that I was not sexually attractive to him because I was so fat. He said that because of my obesity he has not wanted to be with me. I still have a good shape and plenty of men like the way I look. I wear a size 14 for my height of 5’3. I am so angry at him that I have not spoken to him. I don’t want to see, touch, hear, or be near him because of what he said. I am seriously thinking of getting out of this marriage because I have my whole life ahead of me. Maybe if he got counseling I would reconsider trying to work things out but right now I do not want to. We have had large arguments before, but he said that if I keep gaining weight he will leave me.

Advice: Does your weight interfere with your health? Do you have trouble doing the things that make life fun for you? Are you not able to function as well on the job or in your recreation? The longer it takes you to get that 30 pounds off, the more it will affect your gall bladder, knees, etc. Focus on your goals and let him see that you are enjoying life, even if he has a narrow focus. Pick up the book, Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. Write us back after you read the book and we will suggest how to get him into counseling and how to make communication the issue.

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117 Responses to “My husband says I’m too fat”

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    Dear Father God.

    Lord I lift up anyone who is abused by saying they are too fat. I pray that you will heal them of this concern in there lives. In Jesus Mighty name Amen

  • SimilarWife says:

    In my opinion, sexual attraction is part of what drew you together. As a good wife, you should want to remain physically attractive to your spouse. Some men and women feel once the ring is on the finger they can give up the facade and the other should just “love me for me.” Show him how he can help you lose the 30 lbs and be encouraging versus discouraging. I am also 5’3″ tall and I am no where near a size 14 (I once did, but not in this 10+ yr realtionship), although my husband too has mentioned my weight as a concern for our future. I would think a woman of your stature, unless you have a medical condition,should be able to maintain 130-140 without too much work which I know will bring you down a few sizes. I am sure he is just scared you will keep growing and wants you to take steps to correct this trend before it gets worse! Bottom line is he didn’t marry you at 180 lbs, so you should not expect him to be attracted to you at 180 lbs. It doesn’t mean he does not love you! Instead of gettign angry with him, pray that God gives you the strength to lose the weight for your own health.

  • Mary Pinckney M. Pinckney says:

    Good morning,
    I am a firm believer that honesty is important in our relationships, but how we express that honesty is very important. The Bible states that we should speak the truth in love. We should be willing to help come alongside our mates to help them make the necessary changes in life. If we are not careful how we handle this it shows that we wound our mates. It helps when we can be cheerleaders to our mates, when we do it motivates them to make changes. I know this is not always the case and should not be taken lightly, so I offer prayer for those who are in those tough situations this morning. May the Lord of all comfort come along side you and heal your brokeness and give you the grace to forgive and continue loving even in the midst of hard times. May He mend your relationships and allow the unconditional love He has for you both to overshadow your hearts for each other. May His love be expressed in and through you. In Jesus name.
    If at anytime you feel you need to talk with one of our mentors, please feel free to contact one at this link: http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/.
    Blessings to you,
    Mary

  • rrite says:

    I told my husband he was too heavy and it is very uncomfortable to have sex with him. I”m still physically attracted – just hard to enjoy the moment when you are being squished to the point you can’t breath. As for attraction, its hard to fake. I’d say if you love your man or wife you will want to be attractive in their eyes. If you don’t want to do that then you are not really in love like you were when you first met. People change and sometimes it means moving on.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Katherine, what do you think would be different if people with unhealthy weight gain were treated the same as other addicts?

  • Katherine says:

    I’m so angry because smokers,meth users and achoholics while they may be criticized,sociaty has finally understood that there is an addiction that is sometimes out of their control. It’s not PC to giggle at a staggering drunk or shrunken meth user but what so many people don’t understand is many people use food the same way other Addicts use drugs . These overweight people are the unsung hero’s who chose to use something that would only affect them an no one else. The mom driving kids to school. Not many accidents are caused by an elivated blood sugar level. And yet these people are told that they should be able to control their weight gain. Is Anyone still so ignorant that they tell a meth user “just use self control”? No we pretty much got the addiction issue and know it’s a big one. All these additicts use something either oral or inject to deal with the”pain ” why can’t food be just as caustic ? It’s because everyone uses food and it’s too easy to say “just use self control” meanwhile alcoholics kill in car accidents- meth users have been known to rob for drugs,smokers give off secondhand smoke but what do overeaters do but offend those in sociaty that don’t have a clue. People who self medicate with food don’t want to hurt others and want to remain responsible and are there for their friends and family and yet all they get is criticism. Theae are hero’s trying to cope with the pain like so many.

  • Alfred Alfred says:

    Hi everyone,
    This strikes so close to home that I can relate very strongly! My former pastor said “The young wife will want to change her husband, while he is hoping she will always stay the same; but he will not change, and she definitely will!”
    My wife did not want to ride a bicycle, swim or play tennis. We did, however, find common ground in enjoying nature walks, sight-seeing, and gardening. She is great ion the kitchen while I enjoy a great meal!
    Yet, at times I found it revolting to look at her increasingly large figure. She, in turn, started to criticize me. I felt that she was turning our 3 children against me. That is when I cried out to God! HE responded in love and mercy, showing me that I was on my way to hell. At then foot of the cross, I was restored, Spirit-filled, and enabled to see the beautiful wife that lived inside her large body. God had to do a work in both our heats.
    One major factor in restoring harmony is to NOT retaliate or criticize, but to join the partner in seeing his/her side of the situation. Then you are both together, attacking the problem (not the person) from a common front.
    I pray this may be of some help to you.

  • Mustang Sally says:

    Dear Bano:

    So sorry to hear about your situation. I guess emotional eating is whenever we eat without having hunger pangs first, which in America it seems, it almost everybody.

    You did not say that you suspect your husband is getting his sexual needs gratified elsewhere, so maybe he is being true to you (physically). But maybe he has thoughts about straying; as you admit doing too at times (which we know is wrong and needs forgiveness and repentance). It almost sounds like if it wasn’t for your current physical appearance, you would have cheated by now (but then again, if it wasn’t for your current physical shape your husband wouldn’t be mistreating you anyway).

    I would definitely stop the “tit for tat” business with putting him down to get him back. He can probably see through your motivation and it probably isn’t doing anything positive for either one of you. Instead, maybe try flushing out his memories of your recent lashing back by putting in a compliment or two in his direction. Perhaps he will begin to copy that behavior toward you. But even if he doesn’t, you will feel better if you don’t get down in the mud with him on this.

    [Comment edited. For safety reasons we are not able to allow medical advice or recommendations to remain on the site.]

    Don’t forget to ask God to work on your husband’s heart, to give you favor with him, to repair the emotional damage you have caused each other, and to help you implement the best tactics to improve your emotional and physical health that will work the best for YOU and your specific causes of your emotional and physical problems. Weight is not a one size fits all issue and there can be many causes in each person, and they may not match the same cause(s) in another person.

    Blessings!

  • Bano says:

    Hi

    I feel sad and angry as my husband focus seems to be my weight. After I had my daughter I went from Uk 12 to 16. Sure it bothers me a little but I still get attention from other guys. He said I should make an effort to loose weight as he married me when I was slim/average build and basically I have let myself go. Basically I know I am an emotionally eater and him saying things make me feel worse so I eat. I consider myself healthy and go gym 3 times a week. I can tell you how much he hurts me as I feel undesiredby him. We stay married as we both adore our child. He is great in other ways but when he is like this I get angry and start on his looks juSt to hurt him back. I know this is not mature and it’s not like I do it on purpose I just feel so disrespected and ugly. I guess I have lost respect for him now but I don’t know what to do as I am stuck in a rut. After having my daughter I suffered from PND and now suffer from depression and anxiety so meeting someone else is not an option as I don’t have the energy. I would prefer he leave me if he doesn’t love me. To be honest I think bout other men but too religious to have an affair. I guess my love for my child is enough for me.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Zozo, trying to make your body fit someone else’s expectations is a futile pursuit. Your focus should be on being the healthy person God has made you to be. For some people that is a larger, curvy body while others are petite. It is a good opportunity for you and your boyfriend to talk through an difficult issue and allow your relationship to mature through that. Explain to him what you think is the healthy form of your body and why. Ask him why he would want you to compromise your health to become something that you are not. Get to know why he has the expectations he has and work through how the two of you are going to deal with the differences. This isn’t a case of he’s wrong and you are right or vice versa. It is about the two of you deciding how together you can help one live out the life that God has planned for you.

  • Zozo says:

    My boyfriend has been bothering me for my weight too. Told me I am too skinny even if he has many orgasms when we have sex. I’m 19, 1,51 and 31 kg, petite.I have many orgasms too but i am too small for him. I dont know what to do to gain more weight and i do sport, gymnastics and have flexible body but I look like a child.

  • Sarah says:

    Dear “Too Fat,”

    If your husband was truly loved you, he would be concerned about your health, or see the weight as an indicator that something might be off-balance in your life together. If he loved you, he would gently suggest that you both spend more time together in healthy activities, or following a nutrition plan that would give you both fewer calories and greater nutrients. He might bring up his concern, and maybe in a way that wasn’t very diplomatic, but which came from a good place in his heart.

    However, if he seeks to shame or hurt you – he probably doesn’t love you. If your sexual desirability is the greatest, most important factor in your marriage together to him, beyond ’til death do you part – he probably doesn’t love you. This goes beyond mere weight. What if you were in a car accident, and became an amputee? What if you got cancer? What happens when you grow old? What of your sexual desirability then? If he loved you for you, and not the frail shroud of flesh that houses the best and brightest traits of humanity, then these scenarios would strengthen your bond. But if he only likes your body, then you would be deeply, emotionally wounded during a time when you needed him most.

    What of your children? What if your daughter or son is a little over-weight? What if they are born with a physical flaw, like an obvious birthmark? What if they were born with an extra chromosome? How fairly would he treat them? Would he even be capable of loving them?

    From what I read, I don’t think he would.

    Seriously consider what it would be like to spend the rest of your life trying to be perfect, not for yourself, but for him. Consider the constant fear of imperfection, knowing you’ll be thrown away as soon as you show a sign of aging, of weakness, of life, of flaws. Consider this fear being with your children every day of their lives, living under the crushing expectations of a father who prefers the appearance over the substance.

    Consider what life you want to live, what love you deserve to have, and what choice you now have to make in the face of a great betrayal of marital vows. If he can’t honor your flaws, you probably won’t be able to honor his, either. The trust of your relationship has been damaged.

    If a marriage has no respect, trust, or love in it, then I can’t see how it could last.

  • Michael Jantzen Michael Jantzen says:

    Hi John,

    I would say that we are “all” responsible for taking good care of our bodies, whether men or woman. That does not mean we have to match society’s or anyone else’s ideal body shape, but I think all doctors would agree that maintaining a healthy body weight is good for mental and physical health. We are also ALL responsible for what we say to others; there is never any reason to demean a person because of their weight, and a marriage vow means nothing if we don’t have the character to keep on loving someone no matter their size. Did we marry our wives because of their ‘hotness.’ Well, the body changes, so we better take a lot of pictures after the wedding for a keep sake, but we men need to learn to love at a much deeper level than for how they look in a bathing suite.

    You asked a woman though, so hopefully one of them comments. So, ladies, what’s your take on this?

  • John says:

    So is there any point where you women would agree the woman is at fault?

  • Barbara Alpert Barbara Alpert says:

    Dear Casey, how do you feel about weighing 33.6 stone and what does your doctor say about you weighing that much? Why is your husband force-feeding you? Are you bed-ridden and no longer have the ability to get around? At your present weight, are you able to participate in fun, active activities with your children? According to the calculations I had done converting stone weight into pounds, it appears that your current weight may not be a healthy weight. Do you have other health issues that might be linked to your current weight as well? If your doctor recommends that your weight be lowered then you need to find your voice again with your husband and let him know that you desire to make healthy changes for the betterment of your own health and perhaps for all of your family has well. When was the last time you went to see your doctor?

  • Casey says:

    he is a [expletive removed]for saying all of that [expletive removed] but if you really love him then lose weight but if you dont truly love him than tell him this¦
    I deserve better than you, much better. and devorse him!
    my husbend said i am too skinny and thretend to brake my arm if i didnt gain weight so i devorsed him! i gained 7 stone after that and now weigh 24 stone, we desided to see each other again, then got married, had 2 kids and then weighed 31 stone… i weigh at the moment 33.6 stone he is force feeding me and scared i am going to burst! i dont know when to tell him that i dont want to gain any more weight…

  • Sherry says:

    Thankyou Barbara! Each and every individual is here for a purpose. We were created for a purpose. God is my constant inspiration and I owe Him everything and thank Him for the opportunity to inspire others. God bless!

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