My husband says I’m too fat

husbandsaysfatMy husband has been bothering me for the past year about my weight. I have gained thirty pounds since I met him. I have asked him to stop bothering me about it but two days ago he told me that I was not sexually attractive to him because I was so fat. He said that because of my obesity he has not wanted to be with me. I still have a good shape and plenty of men like the way I look. I wear a size 14 for my height of 5’3. I am so angry at him that I have not spoken to him. I don’t want to see, touch, hear, or be near him because of what he said. I am seriously thinking of getting out of this marriage because I have my whole life ahead of me. Maybe if he got counseling I would reconsider trying to work things out but right now I do not want to. We have had large arguments before, but he said that if I keep gaining weight he will leave me.

Advice: Does your weight interfere with your health? Do you have trouble doing the things that make life fun for you? Are you not able to function as well on the job or in your recreation? The longer it takes you to get that 30 pounds off, the more it will affect your gall bladder, knees, etc. Focus on your goals and let him see that you are enjoying life, even if he has a narrow focus. Pick up the book, Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. Write us back after you read the book and we will suggest how to get him into counseling and how to make communication the issue.

Read Karen’s Story: The Perfect Anorexic.

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250 Responses to “My husband says I’m too fat”

  • Mustang Sally says:

    TO ALFRED: Most conventional doctors dont know theres a diff btwn old school HRT and bioidentical HRT, and the mainstream medical media has purposely been deceptive, but the truth is breaking thru. Heres a link that explains that HRT (IF it is natural, bioidentical HRT) is cancer PROTECTIVE. http://www.drramsey.com/facts-science-behind-hormone-replacement-therapy-bhrt-first-line-medicine/

    Heres another one about the reason we wrongly accept certain diseases and maladies as the normal part of aging. http://www.drramsey.com/hormone-replacement-therapy-clearing-up-the-controversy/

  • Alfred says:

    Thanks, Mustang Sally! Most of my wife’s weight gain was due to interrupted sleep because of working night shifts. Since her cancer surgery she is afraid to take hormones as that might trigger cancer again. She’s been on various diets with not too successful results. Your suggestion, however, of taking apple cider vinegar (ACV) before each meal sounds appealing to my wife, and she’s looking forward to trying that! I’ve printed out your letter for her, so we thank you again.

  • Susan says:

    JennaD,

    So happy to read your mail because you both love God. That is the best part. And then, your husband is loving that is why he still caring for you. JennaD, we all have some weakness but you trust God and ask Jesus to help you and I am sure, He will help you. Start may be 20 min walking, or climbing the steps etc..Start and cut down all oily and fatty food. Don’t do everything together…but little by little and be a constant doer. But, ask God to help you and you can do it.

    Father God I pray that You help Your child to take decisions and stick to that. Bless this family. Protect them. Thank You for hearing our prayers. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

  • Aldo says:

    JennaD, thank you for being so frank and honest with your remarks to the Bloggers on this site. Thank you also for being honest enough to take the blame for your own shortcomings rather than to put that blame eslewhere. Allow me to pray for you.

    Heavenly Father, thank You for Your love for JennaD and her husband. I ask that you would grant JennaD the will to change her eating habits, and the wisdom to know what to do and how to do it. Lord, empower her with the power of Your Holy Spirit. Cause her husband to see her in a different light- not her exterior, but her interior, just as You do, in Jesus Name I pray, Amen.

  • JennaD says:

    Reading these comments I feel like many of you are not being very honest with yourselves. Yes we marry for better or worse and often do not consider things like weight gain. We are made to follow God, to be Christlike. But we are not Christ, why would u give Satan the bullet to load his gun?? Neglecting your appearance is like asking for your husband to be tempted. There are too many women out there willing and ready to break up a happy home, some are downright proud of it. How can you criticize your husbands for communicating with you his feelings on something he cannot help. Men are designed to be attracted physically to a woman, first. In the songs of salamon the husband speaks of his wife’s beauty. This is not wrong, for a man to lust for his wife. But when a wife sits around stuffing her face with whatever is easiest and sits on the couch when she could be exercising, I bet she’s not very attractive to look at. Ladies, I’m in this boat too but I cannot make excuses for myself. I did this, I do not have any illnesses or diseases. I can break my food addiction and save my marriage. Stop being so quick to get offended. This is your husband, would you rather he go behind your back and find someone to please him?? He’s coming to you, its a cry for you to change. Don’t think God will ignore these details on judgment day when he goes over the reasons for your divorcing. Ignoring the issue does not make you innocent.

  • JennaD says:

    I am about40 lbs overweight, my husband is in shape. He works out, eats healthy. I do not eat well, I have an addiction to food. My husband is not physically attracted to me, he has told me this before, in a very gentle way. I am not angry at him, it is absolutely my fault for being this way. After 3 children and not watching my eating habits I let myself go. If I value my marriage (as I do), I’m going to make a change (I am). We both love and try to live life for God, the bible says our bodies are our husbands, and we have the responsibility to fulfill their desires. So if I am unwilling to change or get angry for my husband being vulnerable and honest with me on his feeling on my weight and his desires I am neglecting the responsibility God has given me in my marriage. I will put every effort into making my husband happy. Or I deserve to lose him. If I give all I’ve got and he is being unfair or says its not good enough then that’s a different story. But with my husband I know that won’t be the case. He will be happy with my best.

  • Mustang Sally says:

    To Alfred: something you said provided a possible clue to the issue. I noticed you said that both of you ate heartily and yet she gained weight and you didn’t. If you can find the reason for that you may be able to resolve her weight issue. I would look at things like firstly adrenal issues. Does she have high cortisol or low cortisol? The symptoms for both can be similar. A test is required (ACTH). Second if she is over 35 she should look into natural bioidentical hormone replacement of progesterone and or estrogen. Be sure to ask your hormone specialist or naturopath if the HRT is natural or synthetic. Do not see the doctor anymore if it is synthetic – go to a better doctor. To aid in proper digestion she should use apple cider vinegar (ACV) before each meal. Some people claim this step alone is responsible for the majority of their weight loss. It should be high on your to do list.

    She should be taking a high quality multi, and she should have her iron levels checked. Sometimes though, even normal ferratin and iron blood test results can be deceptive in certain people with high levels of inflammation. Therefore taking an iron supplement along with something like turmeric can help it absorb better because of the lowering of inflammation caused by the turmeric. It might not hurt to supplement with a little bit of extra vitamin B5 beyond what is contained in the multi, which can help sluggish adrenals, but avoid overdosage as too much B5 can cause nerve damage in various parts of the body. One would likely notice twitches or spasms in the limbs.

    Now that you have emotionally and spiritually fully accepted your wife as she currently is perhaps you are ready to allow God to unlock the secrets to her weight gain and have your cake and eat it too.

  • Mustang Sally says:

    To Alfred: something you said provided a possible clue to the issue. I noticed you said that both of you ate heartily and yet she gained weight and you didn’t. If you can find the reason for that you may be able to resolve her weight issue. I would look at things like firstly adrenal issues. Does she have high cortisol or low cortisol? The symptoms for both can be similar. A test is required (ACTH). Second if she is over 35 she should look into natural bioidentical hormone replacement of progesterone and or estrogen. Be sure to ask your hormone specialist or naturopath if the HRT is natural or synthetic. Do not see the doctor anymore if it is synthetic – go to a better doctor. To aid in proper digestion she should use apple cider vinegar (ACV) before each meal. Some people claim the step alone is responsible for the majority of their weight loss. It should be high on your to do list.

    She should be taking a high quality multi, and she should have her iron levels checked. Sometimes though, even A normal ferratin an iron blood test results can be deceptive in certain people with high levels of inflammation. Therefore taking an iron supplement along with something like turmeric can help it absorb better because of the lowering of inflammation caused by the turmeric. It might not hurt to supplement with a little bit of extra vitamin B5 beyond what is contained in the multi, which can help sluggish adrenals, but avoid overdosage as too much B5 can cause nerve damage in various parts of the body. One would likely notice twitches or spasms in the limbs.

    Now that you have emotionally and spiritually fully accepted your wife as she currently is perhaps you are ready to allow God to unlock the secrets to her weight gain and have your cake and eat it too.

  • Mustang Sally says:

    To Alfred: something you said provided a possible clue to the issue. I noticed you said that both of you ate heartily and yet she gained weight and you didn’t. If you can find the reason for that you may be able to resolve her weight issue. I would look at things like firstly adrenal issues. Does she have high cortisol or low cortisol? The symptoms for both can be similar. A test is required (ACTH). Second if she is over 35 she should look into natural bioidentical hormone replacement of progesterone and or estrogen. Be sure to ask your hormone specialist or naturopath if the HRT is natural or synthetic. Do not see the doctor anymore if it is sympathetic — go to a better doctor. To aid in proper digestion she should use apple cider vinegar (ACV) before each meal. Some people claim the step alone is responsible for the majority of their weight loss. It should be high on your to do list.

    She should be taking a high quality multi, and she should have her iron levels checked. Sometimes though, even A normal ferratin an iron blood test results can be deceptive in certain people with high levels of inflammation. Therefore taking an iron supplement along with something like turmeric can help it absorb better because of the lowering of inflammation caused by the turmeric. It might not hurt to supplement with a little bit of extra vitamin B5 beyond what is contained in the multi, which can help sluggish adrenals, but avoid overdosage as too much B5 can cause nerve damage in various parts of the body. One would likely notice twitches or spasms in the limbs.

    Now that you have emotionally and spiritually fully accepted your wife as she currently is perhaps you are ready to allow God to unlock the secrets to her weight gain and have your cake and eat it too.

  • Alfred says:

    What else can I say? Here is my experience:
    Being a rather quiet person that is not too aggressive, it was easy for me to fall for the girl that wanted me. You might say she was of medium height, rather stocky and definitely not slim. We were in love. I was distressed as she gradually gained weight! She worked many night-shifts at the hospital, and liked to snack now & then. I am a hearty eater while she enjoyed cooking, so we both ate well. As she continued to gain weight I did not know what to do. At times I even found her obesity to be revolting! It shocked me to realize that I was looking around for someone else to embrace. I could hardly help myself. Thankfully I never found anyone that returned my flirting glances, for I knew that marriage vows are recorded in heaven. During those first 20 years of our marriage I was drifting away from God, just doing what I felt was best. Then God showed me where I was (on my way to hell), and that turned me around. We participated in a marriage enrichment class, and re-committed ourselves to one-another. Now I am pleased to say that here obesity does not bother me anymore. God has shown her true inner beauty! After knee surgery she walks with a cane. I help her in many ways, while she is a great encouragement to me! I am pleased to say that we now complement each other and praise God together!

  • Stfu says:

    Let me flip this around for you Henry Crowe and all the disgruntled husbands here:

    “Any man on Earth who has the arrogance and audacity to not earn significantly more money each year, especially after his wife has explicitly mentioned that he should get a better job so his family can live a certain lifestyle, this man is comitting a crime against marriage and should be divorced and tossed out immediately to make him an example for all lazy and inept men like him.”

    And:

    “Any man on Earth who has the arrogance and audacity to not get his wife off every time, especially after his wife has explicitly mentioned that he should learn how to be better in bed, this man is comitting a crime against marriage and should be divorced and tossed out immediately to make him an example for all lazy and inept men like him.”

    Works both ways.

  • Susan says:

    Thank you Janet for explaining to me.

  • Susan says:

    Sharon,

    Thank you for thinking this way. We must not go after outward beauty but we need to focus more on inward beauty.

  • Janet says:

    Mustang Sally, thanks for the info on Addison’s. I’ve had my adrenals checked and they were okay bit I’ll check it again and look into the supplement you suggest.
    Susan, I had roux-en-y gastric bypass. All surgery has risk and should be performed by a highly qualified experienced physician with a high success rate and good supporting team including a nutritionist. You will have to commit to change your eating forever just like you have to do without surgery to lose weight. There is no easy way. But this surgery gives you two tools to be successful which is why it is the “gold standard” for WL surgery. I decided to do it when all else failed. It was right for me. I’m glad I did it but it’s not for everyone. I got my life back. Janet

  • Henry_crowe says:

    Any woman on Earth who has the arrogance and audacity to keep gaining an extreme amount of body fat without doing something about it, especially after her husband has explicitly mentioned that she should lose weight, this woman is comitting a crime against marriage and should be divorced and tossed out immediately to make her an example for all arrogant and shameless like women like her.

  • ******* says:

    Obesity/overeating is curable; it’s an “illness” with a cure. Staying obese instead of desiring to be attractive to your partner is selfish on the part of the obese person. Love is conditional; Only God has unconditional love; but there are conditions for marriage partners and “boundaries”. Taking care of yourself and not letting yourself go is each person in the marriages’ individual responsibility. Just like in an alcoholic marriage; it’s gonna be a rough road. Alcoholism is “treatable”; sobriety is the key. Alcoholism ruins marriages and so does obesity. They are both treatable if a person WANTS help. You can’t force a person to do anything. Everybody has their own will. If a husband has a hard time as seeing his obese wife as beautiful, I guess he could pray and pray for God to open his eyes to see her fat as beautiful; OR the wife could think, I love my husband and I will do everything in my power to address my obesity issue (her problem) so that it is no longer a problem. It’s not a “sin” to be fat, but fat people got there by overeating (slothfulness, eating to fill the empty spot instead of taking their problems to the Lord; it’s called “gluttoney”). There’s all kinds of explanations to how obese folks got where they got, but excuses don’t change the situation).

  • Sharon Wagner says:

    I wouldnt call he or she a couch potato or lazy. Hormones change and your lifestyle changes. Im a full time student 13 credit hours. I go to church every week. My classes are all day and i gained 20 pounds. Im 35, its harder to lose weight. I have no problem with people having there opinions. However let your mate know ur feelings before u get married. Change your vows because that is not in sickness and in health. I will only stay if you stay within this weight range.

  • Elkay Elkay says:

    Lisa, I am sorry you feel that way. The article suggests that the book Dance of Anger-A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships would be helpful. On Amazon, a review says, “For decades, this book has helped millions of readers learn how to turn their anger into a constructive force for reshaping their lives. With a new introduction by the author, The Dance of Anger is ready to lead the next generation.” If you read the book and as the article invites, write back, perhaps you might find it to be more useful.

  • Lisa says:

    This article is terribly written. There’s almost no useful content.

  • Susan says:

    Hi Janet,

    Thanks for your comment. I am sorry to hear about your husband. Obesity should not be a reason to leave a partner. Really sad…Anyway, thank you Janet for realizing/experiencing God’s love. Yes, His love is more than everything. He is our everything.

    Janet, you were mentioning about ‘surgery’. Will this be safe? I don’t know, somehow I am against it. Like you said, high protein and zero calorie food is good. If we can consume, vegetables like salad then it is very good. Yes, walking is a good exercise. Even, on the spot jogging is good. More than everything, our God is not bothered about outward look, He is interested in inward beauty. So, let’s work on that.

    God bless you!

  • Mustang Sally says:

    To Allison: It sounds like you’re blaming yourself for the divorce and that it’s perfectly understandable that your husband cheated on you simply bc of your weight. Question: would you take him back if he was willing to come back to you now that you’re thin?

    If women r into security from a man and man are into looks from a woman, then is it okay for a woman to divorce her husband if his financial status lowered? It seems that a man leaving his wife over her weight is tantamount to a woman leaving her husband because his finances were reduced. Not many husbands would take back a wife who left because his finances were reduced, after he had a change of luck. At least in the case of a woman, especially if there are children, her need for security is not totally selfish and is practical on some level, although it is not good grounds for divorce. On the other hand if a man demands that his wife’s body not change over time, then the only possible motivation for that is his sexual entertainment. Dissolving a relationship over something so purely selfish is very small. The fact that a man would cheat on his wife (which is biblical grounds for divorce from her end BTW) over her weight (which is NOT biblical grounds for divorce ftom his end) is proof in itself that the motivation had only to do with selfish sexual gratification.

  • Allison says:

    I am sorry that you have dealt with such shaming from your husband regarding your weight. I know it’s not easy, as I’ve been there and remember feeling very depressed about so many things, which oy led to gaining more weight. What I came to realize was that men, unlike most women, are very concerned with how a woman looks, whereas to women, security seems to be more important. Now, as a woman, I can attest to the fact that we enjoy a good looking man along with the rest of them and of course, his looks are usually what attracts us in the first place! But…men often times (and unattractive ones too!) can find a pretty woman as long as they are successful. Sad fact of the matter…if he can’t find what he’s looking for, he will either go elsewhere, or pay for services. Ladies, you have got to take care of yourselves. I know we get wrapped up with kids, finances, etc., but do what it takes to keep your man interested. Go to the doctor and get on a nutrition plan, get a personal trainer, start P90X and shakeology, there is so much you can do to keep yourselves healthy! It’s embarrassing for men as it is for women to be dating the Michelin Wo(man). And I’m very sorry if this sounds offensive, I’m not trying to be mean. I divorced my husband after he cheated on me with a much older woman because I was so heavy. I of course then lose way too much weight and was devastated and will forever have insecurity issues due to his actions, but I don’t want you to go through that! You have to WANT to change. Don’t be in denial. Gaining some weight is inevitable, but don’t let yourselves go completely because he will find someone else to replace what you’re not giving him one way or another…

  • Mustang Sally says:

    Janet: Im sorry about what you went through, it wasnt right. Im sure you are joined by many “sisters” out there. Im glad surgery worked for you and that u r 60 & sexy! To add to your quality of life from here fwd I recommend looking into whether you have Addison’s disease and see abt incorporating bioidentical natural 5% hydrocortisone topical cream thru a naturopath or cutting-edge endocrinologist (not an old school one). I suspect one reason for your past difficulty loding weight with normal methods is undiagnosed Addisons or pre-Addisons (adrenal insufficiency or fatigue). This can cause such low cortidol u can barely function, much less diet and exercise, and the body makes u eat to obtain nutrients and energy for the compromised adrenals, which backfires in weight gain amd energy LOSS over tome, worsening the condition (and any concurrent conditions). Only w surgery were u able to consume an abnormal enuf level of calories and have reduced nutrient absorption necessary to lose weight in a state of adrenal exhaustion. My guess is the surgery made you beyond exhausted for a long time. Testing for Addisons may uncover a problem that may stoll be a part of your current health profile, so you MAY be able to feel even better at 60 if you fond out snd start on HC. Just dont go beyond 20mg/da, or you could have osteoporosis start, get moon face or buffalo hump. Women w Addisons dont need as much mg of HC as men w Addisons. Also it should be spaced thru day and skin application sites sb rotated. Pay attn to cross-contamination when touching others, and wash hands after applying. Also look into Dr. Wilsons Adrenal Rebuilder, but dont use the whole dosage on bottle label (too much), and watch out for contraindications w anti-depressants and other supplements that are stimulatory.

  • Janet says:

    Diakoe, standing applause to your comments.
    People, I am 60 years old. I am 5’2″ and weighed under 120 until I was 40 then suddenly gained 40 pounds. My husband of 14 years left me with our 2 year old daughter because he didn’t want to do a fat chick. Obviously I chose poorly in the mate department. That said, I was never able to gain control of my weight and grew to 265 pounds. As most obese people know at some point it is out of control and nothing you do works. I had weight loss surgery two years ago and now weigh 140 and feel great. Obesity should be labelled a disease. No one can really explain sudden weigh gain. Or why some people can’t lose weight even trying everything. I have a sedentary job and at my small stature I find my calories needed are MUCH lower than any diet says. I eat less than 1000 calories a day to stay stable. One two cookies or a piece of cake will make me gain a pound. I must eat mostly protein to get enough for the limited calories. It’s not simple and most diet advice is flat out wrong. Men, you can eat at least twice what a typical woman can eat. It is easier for you. Stop being condescending and judgmental. If it was easy everyone would do it. I don’t think I could have done it. If my spouse had been kinder and patient I still don’t know if I could have done it. Our standard American diet of processed foods prevents weight loss. So a woman is up against all that and then the one person who is supposed to love her more than anyone in the world tells her he is repulsed by her. That is just evil. I told my ex I would do anything to lose the weight but he wasn’t interested, maybe didn’t believe me. Well my life is much better now that I have lost the fat and the selfish ex. If you are obese I will tell you to eat three small meals of high quality low fat protein and zero calorie snacks. Keep calories at 1200 or less. Don’t worry too much about exercise. Just take leisurely walks. You can do it. If you want to go the surgery route like I did then research it and go for it. Don’t let a selfishly mean man bring you down . Love yourself as much as God does which is a whole lot more than that man does. Do it for you. Make your own life. And when you lose it all shake it at him and say you can’t have it. Lol ok maybe I took that last line too far. But you get my drift. Be happy with you. I am happy 60 sexy and single.

  • dream says:

    Susan… I was sending message to B.Fre.. who has a boyfriend not husband! Read her message And if somebody is in abusive relationship, its not good to continue it. Bless u.

  • Susan says:

    Dream,

    Thank you for your comment. yes, Jesus is our everything but Dream, we cannot tell our husband and wife to just to get out and focus on God. If we are not married then we can always have choice.

  • Susan says:

    Diakoe,

    Thank you for your comments and I do agree with you. We must look at the inward beauty not to go after outward look.

  • mont says:

    I don’t think we should be living in the past anymore. Ask for motivation to change to a new world of 21st century! Past makes you ready for future and that’s why people don’t want to live in their past. Listen to world and listen attentively about obese before you start calling people pathetic. There is different between commitment and feelings guys.

  • Elkay Elkay says:

    Diakoe, I say “Amen” to your comments. Marriage is not a joke – it is a sacred institution that God Himself created so that man and woman could bind together, become one in His eyes and best reflect His image. See Genesis 1:26-27 and 2:18, 24.

    In life, Job #1 is to grow in Christ-likeness and that means that when we love someone, we love them unconditionally, permanently, and loyally. God did not bail on Adam and Eve when they violated His one restriction in Eden; He did not stop loving Moses even though he committed murder; He did not stop loving David even though he committed adultery and murder; and Jesus did not stop loving Peter after Peter denied Him three times.

    Love is an unrelenting, unconditional and unselfish commitment to another person’s well-being and it looks like the famous 13th chapter in 1 Corinthians. One day we will stand before God and explain why we lived as we did and the best we can hope for now is that we remain loyally loving to our mate. For our own sake, we must hang in there and do everything we can to make ours a God-honoring marriage.

    Over time, we must learn to not expect the perfection from our mate that belongs to God alone. Out of our unconditional commitment, unselfish love will flow to and from one another as we receive God’s love for us. It is important that we minimize each other’s weaknesses, that we are swift to praise and magnify each other’s points of beauty and strength, and that we see each other through a lover’s kind, adoring and patient eyes. Anything short of this is not marriage love – it is more like a selfish arrangement in which I will care about you only as long as you care more about me.

  • diakoe says:

    Wow! Am I ever surprised at the responses. Weight gain is NOT a reason for divorce. My goodness, how shallow and pathetic have people become? Did you marry the heart and soul of the person, or the visual image you see at 24? I’m not certain of ages here, but from personal experience..what do you do if your spouse’s hair turns gray and you don’t like gray hair? Divorce them? What happens if your spouse is in an accident and they become paralyzed? Get a divorce? What happens if you find out your spouse farts 20 hours a day? Divorce them? If they happen to develop a life threatening illness? Divorce them? What has happened to people in general? We ALL change as we age. Some in one way, others another way. Being married 40 years, some not the greatest, some are…you take the good and the not so good and it comes out even in the end. Grow up!!!!

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi B.Fre. I know that is a difficult thing to hear from someone you love. Can I just clarify, are you considering leaving him or has he talked about leaving you?

    How does he respond when you talk to him about how his words impact you?

  • dream says:

    B.Fre… Firstly you need to give your life to Jesus so he can direct you in your life decisions. He is the best friend who loves unconditionaly. He will forgive you your sins and gives you eternal life. He will protect you by telling that sex is for marriage. If you are in abuse relationship get out and look for God first. Blessings.

  • B. Fre says:

    Yes, he is withholding sex/intimacy because he says I am too fat.

  • B. Fre says:

    My boyfriend just told me that he is no longer attracted to me due to my obesity. He is also obese but I am still attracted to him. Is it okay to leave someone for them telling you that you are “too fat to [expletive removed]”? especially when intimacy is an important part of what you are seeking in a relationship? To me, that shows his love has always been conditional. It hurts so bad, and I have gained 70 lbs since I have been with him because he eats fatty food, doesn’t exercise..and so much more. I am eating now because I am unhappy with our relationship. I want out of a relationship that emotionally hurts me.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    The Bible has some interesting things to say about love: “Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1Corinthians 13:4-7) This seems to suggest that love is not based on what the other person does but on me. I don’t love because my spouse is the perfect weight or because my spouse doesn’t hassle me about my weight. I don’t love because my spouse sacrifice for me; I choose to sacrifice for my spouse because I choose to love. If both parties in the marriage have that attitude it becomes a beautiful thing.

  • vicky says:

    I don’t think looks should be a problem in a marriage it is said for better for worse I thing instead of u condemning ur partner cus of change or her stature or look is very disrespectful instead of u condemning let her know of the change and help her in reducing or even love her more cus of it and always remind her how beautiful she Is or how fat she has become and she looks even more beautiful but will look more beautiful if she stay fit

  • Paca says:

    Amy, no one is disagreeing with suggesting that OP start a healthy regimen. There are obvious benefits to adopting a regular exercise routine and eating healthy (what ever one’s ideal weight is). You’ll live longer, you’ll reduce your risk for chronic diseases, you’ll have more energy, you’ll sleep better, sex is better, etc, etc. This is not the issue.

    The issue is when one spouse withholds love/affection/sex or worse is abusive because the other is overweight. Telling your spouse you want to leave them because you think they are fat is not “showing support.”

    Yes, in the US, people have the legal right to end their marriages for whatever reason they want. But the #1 and 2 complaints that I hear/see from married men is that their wives treat them disrespectfully and that they withhold sex (not necessarily in that order), with the number #3 complaint being they unilaterally file divorce for the inexcusable reason that they are no longer interested or attracted.

    But somehow when a woman gains weight, this same behavior is not only OK but is applauded by men. Double standard, can you say???

  • amy says:

    I think it’s a matter of perspectives. There are two arguments here, both either from gender split or from love relations. I’m a female, so in my opinion, we are more opted/ pressured to have a thinner appearance and so forth, but the thing is, I’m guessing guys have the same problem getting the whole buffed up look. I think you should confront your husband, and that if he only loved you based on your looks, he isn’t worth hanging to. However, if criticism is his way of support, as mike suggests, hold on to it, and try your best with weight loss. It is a hard struggle, but also referencing mike’s earlier proposal, weight loss is simply just using up more calories than your intake. As young as I am, I have been through the whole treacherous experience before due to highly instable metabolism, but exercise and all that does pay off in the end. Things are always easier said than done, of course. Looking up other people’s success makes you feel pretty bad because you wonder if you’ll be the outlier or if you’ll persevere. The first step sucks because it’s so hard to get to. If you take the advice or not is up to you, because only you will know what you want. I’m still in my teens so I probably shouldn’t talk, haha. :) Best of luck!

  • Jason Ellis says:

    So why don’t you have a diet instead, maybe he is also worried about your health, remember getting fat means getting sickness then.

  • wickedman says:

    The world is changing my dear. We have to get motivated some how to live the change. Fight it and loose weight yourself. You will be happy your done so well for you and your family. Get motivated!demotivated blame

  • Hurt and alone says:

    So if a woman gains weight and has a health issue a man should leave her? Isn’t obesity a health issue? Then what about the vows “in sickness and in health”. Wouldn’t a better way to motivate is to come from a place of love?
    I was told my husband is embarrassed to go out with me and that if I lost weight he would then go out with me. Why? He should love me no matter what, right? I personally think that it is a very shallow thought and if he did love me, he would help me. Help me by loving me, telling me when I do look good (at whatever size) and dare to be seen with me. I am not horribly fat, yes I do need to lose weight. Whoever thought that motivation would come from criticism?

  • mikey says:

    40 minutes of your time 3 times a week can make you loose weight rather than sitting in front of the telly!come on people.

  • mikey says:

    At mike: your opinion maybe valid upto some extent but you have not experience it. This is feelings between couples. This is complicated and you can’t see through this feelings if you are not in it

  • mikey says:

    This depends on individual how they feel in their marriage. If you think your obesity is not getting in the way of you marriage then that’s fine. If you think there is nothing wrong in obesity why would the government be planing to class it as disease. I see people coming on here saying their husband says this or that, I think we should stop living in denial by looking for people to sympathise rather than seeking for honest support. In life we have to be able to live with criticism so that we can change this why we are on the site – power to change. I’m a very fit guy who spend hours in the gym five times a week but my wife is the opposite. We are very young couple at 32 and 34 years respectively. We have been together for 13 years. My wife weighs 130kg and she finds it hard to find clothes that suits her. Whenever we go on holiday she sleeps and claimed that she’s tired whenever I want to do productive stuff. I have kept quiet for 5 years thinking she will change but blame weight gain on other unreasonable things but still, I kept quiet. She has me a gym freak at home but goes on Internet to look for other people who can help her. She comes home telling what to be doing in the gym but I laughed it off all the time. I’m very attractive guy that gets women attention everywhere I go and this has not change my love for my family. This is affecting my sex life in the other way but I’m staying strong. Recently I tried to help after a lengthy talk that I can help. We spent more than 200 pounds on weight loss pills but she will start eating fatty stuff behind me and ignores exercise. She goes moody to avoid exercise I draw out for her. I now realised she is wasting my time and money. If you have to set your priorities right as things don’t come easy in this life. I feel the pain of mourning husbands and I understand overweight wives. At some point you both with have to set your priority straight. If you are not in the situation do not judge. The right thing is to loose weight and not be obese. In addition, I don’t my curvy woman but obese shows laziness as they can’t control their eating

  • Paca says:

    By the at my husband weighs 40 pound more than he did when we got married. I guess I should divorce him, huh Mike?

  • Paca says:

    You’re being a bit defensive. As I recall the original post said man or woman. But in your example you chose to use paint it as a problem of a woman getting fat and her husband leaving her not the reverse. Very telling.

    And no, being overweight is not always about being lazy nor is it always as simple as go to the gym. Some women’s bodies will never be the same after childbirth, and some men and women have health conditions that complicate the issue.

  • Mike says:

    Imagine I said “there’s nothing wrong with divorcing your spouse because they lost their hair or stated having hygiene issues or had an illness.”
    I know you will say but weight a person can control (maybe). Point is are you in a marriage for how it looks on the outside or are you committed especially if children are involved?

    Looks only have one thing to do with it. First of all, there is no maybe in regards to whether a person can physically lose weight. Anyone can diet and perform some kind of exercise.

    If she’s making a conscious decision to put on weight and ruin her appearance, then why does her husband have an obligation to remain attracted to her?

    Also, I’m willing to bet he’s not happy with her daily routine if she’s putting on so much weight. Putting on that much weight requires a very poor diet and very little physical activity. Maybe he’s tired of having a couch potato wife?

    I’m only providing a different point of view, that while its easy to be point out the husband as a bad person, I can clearly see his reasoning.

  • Paca says:

    “There’s nothing wrong with a Man/Woman wanting a divorce for a fat spouse, it’s a perfect legitimate reason to end a relationship.”

    Imagine I said “there’s nothing wrong with divorcing your spouse because they lost their hair or stated having hygiene issues or had an illness.”

    I know you will say but weight a person can control (maybe). Point is are you in a marriage for how it looks on the outside or are you committed especially if children are involved?

  • Janet says:

    Mike and all who agree with him,

    “There’s nothing wrong with a Man/Woman wanting a divorce for a fat spouse, it’s a perfect legitimate reason to end a relationship.”

    I disagree. That alone is a POOR reason to divorce.

    That is the crux if this topic.

    Janet

  • Mike says:

    “Mike, evidently, you have no problem with losing weight”

    I have the same problems losing weight that everyone else does. However I don’t make excuses to not exercise or to fill my face with cake. I have a quick run in the morning, and whenever I’m able to after work.

    “but sadly enough many women do, especially after being married for some time.”

    Many women do (as do men), when they get content with themselves and lose any ambition to improve themselves. Obviously a woman is going to put on weight when she’s pregnant, however she doesn’t have some overwhelming genetic difference in losing it following a pregnancy. There are multiple success stories around the internet about mothers who have maintained their weight following a pregnancy.

    “That being so does not give a husband license to belittle, mock, and otherwise use abusive language which can and usually does inflict psychological and emotional damage.”

    She never said that he was belittling or mocking her. He said that she was getting fat and he isn’t attracted to fat women. I’m willing to bet that the physical appearance isn’t the only thing he is unhappy about. She’s not putting on weight eating salads or being active. Maybe he’s unhappy that he’s no longer married to a person who cares about their own physical appearance or health.

    “It would be much better, if he truly loved his wife, to suggest a diet and exercise regimen and work through it with her.”

    I somewhat agree with you. However she’s a grown woman. How many years does it take to realize that when you fill your face and don’t work out, you’re going to put on weight? She’s not a child.

    “All to often, it would seem, husbands get tired of their wives like they would of an old pair of shoes, or a worn out shirt, and desire a new one. But God ordained marriage to last “til death do us part.”

    I disagree. Husbands & Wives get tired of their significant others when they let themselves go, especially if they are doing their share to stay fit/active. There’s nothing wrong with a Man/Woman wanting a divorce for a fat spouse, it’s a perfect legitimate reason to end a relationship.

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