Comments on: My husband says I’m too fat

By: Claire Colvin

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 23:52:42 +0000

Tia, It must be very hard to hear him say things like that. It sounds like you are trying really hard and he is not supporting you in that. It concerns me that he didn’t seem to take your health scare very seriously. Spouses are supposed to care about each other, they’re supposed to be there in moments just like that when you’re scared and worried. Has he always been this way or has his behaviour changed recently? Have you considered seeing a marriage counsellor? It sounds like you have tried to talk to him about these things but he is not hearing you. A counsellor can help you find ways to communicate with him better. When you married he promised to be there in sickness and in health. Gaining weight doesn’t release him from his promise. Good and bad, fat and thin, that’s what marriage is. It’s being there when things are bad and celebrating together when things are wonderful. It sounds like perhaps his comments about your weight could be masking something else. A counsellor can help you work through that and get to a healthier place in your relationship.

By: tia

tia — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 22:01:54 +0000

He has to say comments about my weight and makes faces at food I am about to eat. He can have a piece of cake but I can’t.
I have a thyroid problem and a rare condition that makes me gain weight. I am struggling everyday to not put on anymore weight. I am tired from the thyroid and the medication is not working. I am eating foods to help. I have to take steroids too and those swell you up even more not to mention the rare condition I have swells you up.
Then I have to hear I am too fat. I tell him I am trying but not doing well and was told by doctor that my thyroid medication is not working. He said he doesn’t believe it. I said he should go talk with my doctor.
I put eveything on hold for him when he has to go to the doctor. I was by his side when he got ill. I was not feeling well and was trying to get in to see my doctor. Was even going to ER if doc could not see me. All my husband could say is he gave his word to his job and had to go to work. I was having severe chest pain and was worried it was my heart. I was correct. I did get in to see my doctor and my heart rate was way too low. (because of thyroid)
Then rather than listening to or asking what the doctor said he was pissed because I didn’t pick him up on time. I am worried about my health. There is a history of bad heart in my family. I am worried because I have no medical insurance.
Then to top that off, all he could talk about was meeting up with a young lady friend of ours. We did meet up with her. I was not feeling well and wanted to go lay down but he was obsessing and telling me to text her.
I kept seeing him checking her out. And yes she is skinny. And a very nice person.
And nomally he wants to hurry up and leave but he wanted to go up to her apartment at 2:30am and still not any concern of how I felt after complaining of chest pain and seeing the doctor that morning.
I just feel like it is very important to him to be physically attactive.
I see the pictures of girls he looks at on almost a daily basis.
He isn’t interested in me sexually without looking at pictures of skinny pretty girls. I don’t want to be naked in front of him anymore. I don’t want to eat in front of him either anymore. I just want to crawl up in a corner and cover up and cry.

By: Jamie

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 18:11:21 +0000

One of the things that I have found in my marriage is that there are a lot of issues that can move us from working together as a team to seeing each other as the enemy and duking it out. That is a dangerous shift that often leads to walls between us that are really hard to break down. We have found that we need to constantly as individuals and as a couple reframe our perspective on those issues and find ways that we address the problem as a team rather than as enemies. It takes a lot of talking things through so that we both understand the other person’s perspective and feel that each of us has been understood.

While I understand the hurt that your husband has caused you, Madison, your commitment to vengeance is going to build a very solid wall between you. If you think through the consequences of that attitude carried out you see a marital arms race building up, each partner justifying their actions because of the actions of their spouse. There is never any winner in that scenario.

How have you understood your husband’s desire for you to lose weight? Have you discovered why he thinks his position is justifiable? I am guessing that he is not just a cruel selfish man but he has something inside of him that makes this a priority. Have you been able to help your husband understand why his comments have been so hurtful? When I say help I mean communicating with the attitude that he is a loving man and if he is helped to understand he will want to do something to heal that hurt. I don’t see you as the kind of person who would have married a man with a cruel abusive nature so I have to assume that your husband has a heart that would feel regret for causing you pain.

In my marriage, it has made a big difference that both of us have been changed through our relationship with Jesus Christ. His interaction in our lives has helped us to fight against the tendency of seeing each other as enemies and sacrificing ourselves for each other. Jesus set the example for us, “Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself. Don’t think only about your own affairs, but be interested in others, too, and what they are doing. Your attitude should be the same that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not demand and cling to his rights as God. He made himself nothing; he took the humble position of a slave and appeared in human form. And in human form he obediently humbled himself even further by dying a criminal’s death on a cross.” (quoted from the Bible, Philippians 2:3-8) Jesus helps us to love each other (and others for that matter) the same way that He loved, by sacrificing ourselves for them. It is a radical way of living but it is amazing what a difference it makes in relationships. When I think about how much Jesus loved me and the lengths that He went to in order to impact my life with that love I am inspired to live that same way in my marriage and in all my other relationships as well. I don’t always pull it off, but the more I look to Jesus for help the better I am able to follow His example.

By: Madison

Madison — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 09:36:53 +0000

My husband and I got started dating two years ago, and got married one year ago. When we started dating, I was a bit curvy – about 135 lbs on a 5’5″ frame. By our wedding, I dropped to below 130 – but I was exercising two hours every day and had a lot of free time. We opened a business and got married at the same time, which has been terribly stressful. It was so stressful, I started suffering from old health problems, largely attributed to exhaustion. When winter hit, I stopped going to the gym and started sleeping more. My life was divided entirely between work, my home, and rest. It worked! I didn’t get sick, I maintained my sanity enough to create a successful business with him. He, also, gained weight during this time. He went back to the gym around the time that I quit and has since lost some weight – he looks good. But he isn’t as cut as he was when we got married. The six-pack is forever gone – and I’m ok with that. When he was chubby and breaking out from stress, I loved him anyway. But now that I’ve put on 10 lbs since our wedding, he’s decided that I’m not attractive enough to have sex with. He also criticizes me daily- especially my legs and bottom. I’m pear shaped, so most of my weight goes to the butt, but it’s not overwhelming. I’m still a very pretty woman, and I’m not fat. I’m just a little rounder than the hard-body miss six-pack I was a year ago. I don’t eat crap, drink, or smoke. I watch my diet, which is why I haven’t gained more. My clothes still fit, even if more snug than before. I don’t understand this concept of only loving and respecting me when I look like I could be in a runner’s magazine. Sometimes life is hard and other things take priority – I have been chubby, skinny, fit, rockin – I have been all of these things at different times depending on what is happening in my life. And I’m ok with it. It is what it is. And I’m ok with him going through similar shifts. We both like to exercise and eat right – but sometimes there isn’t time or energy. When the time and energy are available, we always return to healthier habits. I’m not concerned about obesity. But he can’t even tolerate minor weight fluctuations – it makes me wonder how he’ll react to my post-baby body, when I’m carrying an excess 30 lbs. What abuse will I suffer then? I’ve decided to do what some other women are doing on this site – I’ll lose that weight, make my money, and when he wants some action, he can go straight to hell for ever making me feel like less of woman for simply having more flesh at one time versus another.

By: cosmos

cosmos — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 22:42:17 +0000

ALl you women whose husbands are saying you are too fat should leave them immediately. It is obvious that they are making you this way because they are lowering your self esteem. You will notice if you take control of your own life instead of them having control that you will become happier and lose any excess weight although I don’t think a size 14 is in any way fat!
It seems that women on here are being told to take their husbands to counselling etc…stay together no matter what. Well I disagree. Is that allowed? It is not sinful to leave your husband if you are being abused!!!! If a couple have children and the husband is abusing his wife psychologically then he is also abusing the children because she is their mother!!!! Get out ladies while you still have some dignity and take your children away from the abuse!!! Do you want your daughters to end up with the same kind of husband? Abuse is not to be tolerated in a marriage and the sooner these men get the message the better.

By: Liz

Liz — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 04:15:37 +0000

My husband has been hinting for me to loose weight for years. He watches me eat and asks me if I worked out today. This afternoon he texted me and told me that he had found some weight loss product and would I like him to bring it home. He says he is concerned about my health but to me it just seems hurtful. I was a size 8 when we met and now I am a size 10. I have a little fluff but I like me this way. When I was a size six in my early 20′s I felt like I had no curves. I didn’t feel like a woman. I count my calories and exersize regularly. I am almost 40 now. I can not get my body to change unless I am exersizing 2 hours a day and eating 1200-1600 calories. I can not sustain that for very long and always slip right back. I am exauhsted from trying to pound my body into something that it isn’t…..meanwhile, he says he is only worried about my health. What about my peace of mind?

By: Jamie

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 20:07:57 +0000

Mandy I would give you similar advice. Most husbands do not want to hurt their wives but they just do not how best to help. By working together not only do you help him be more helpful but you also can know his intentions and don’t have to hear things as hurtful. It is a team effort that is based on clear open communication and a desire to make your marriage strong.

God is so good at helping us do that. In the Bible we read that we should “love one another, and work together with one heart and purpose. Don’t be selfish; don’t live to make a good impression on others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself. Don’t think only about your own affairs, but be interested in others, too, and what they are doing. Your attitude should be the same that Christ Jesus had.” (Philippians 2:2-5) Jesus was willing to humble Himself in order to help others. He is the great example that all of us should emulate. When we ask God to help us He promises to make a change in our hearts so that we can better reflect the character of Jesus. Give Him a chance! You will never regret it.

If you want to know more about how God can change your heart so that you reflect the character of Jesus talk to one of our mentors. You will find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor.

By: Jamie

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 19:56:31 +0000

Hazel, one of the biggest attitudes you can have in a marriage is that you and your spouse are a team. When you face an issue rather than allowing it to put you on opposite sides, try to reframe it so that it is something that the two of you are working toward together. If you see the value in being more fit than that is already half the battle. The first step then is changing the way you hear your husband’s words about you so that you aren’t hearing that he is trying to hurt you but that he is trying to help you. It doesn’t matter how he changes his words, if you are already feeling like his words are hurtful than anything he says gets colored with that attitude. You need to make an intentional effort to expect the best from him.

The next step is to talk with him and strategize how the two of you can overcome this issue together. What are the things that he can do that will help you be motivated to change. What are the words that he uses that are hurtful (remember you have to change how you hear it but he may also be able to choose different words and ways of saying them that will help you.) You need to help him know how best to help you. Let him know what words will be more acceptable to you. Let him know when are the best times to say something and when to keep his mouth shut. Are there ways that you can exercise together so that it is giving you more opportunity to be together?

I am sure the more you both get into this the more ideas you will have about working on this as a team. Get creative! Laugh about your successes and failures! Banish the thoughts from your head that pit you as enemies. Commit to working together and always thinking the best of each other. God said, “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a suitable helper for him.” (Genesis 2:18) So right from the beginning God had intended that husbands and wives work together to help each other. So ask for God’s help in making that a reality in your marriage. Believe me, He will!

Lord God, I ask that You would help Hazel and her husband to fight past the feelings of hurt and animosity and choose to work together on this. Give them creative ideas of how to work as a team and then give them the strength to hold fast to those convictions. Use this as a model for transforming other areas in their marriage and to discover how You can make a difference in all aspects of their lives. Amen.

By: Mandy

Mandy — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 14:59:22 +0000

I can totally relate. Two meds I was on for a short time caused me to gain access 30 lbs in 6 wks my triglycerides are now in the 600′s. 13 wks later I’m off the meds but I have 30+ lbs to lose I was already overweight to begin with but my tall slender hubby was OK with it. I was a size 18 now I’m a 24/25. It’s debilitating and embarrassing enough but now my hubby will have nothing to do with me in the bedroom not even a kiss goodnight. He says the weight doesn’t bother him but his actions speak otherwise. Now he talks about when I was a size 9 when we married and before I gave birth to our son now I am expected to lose 100 lbs because I gained 30 unexpectedly due to some meds I was on. To make matters worse I sprained my right ankle 10 days ago dr put me in a boot so I can’t exercise which will only prolong my weightless. If anyone has advice men or women I’d love to hear it. Thank you.

By: Hazel

Hazel — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 16:26:27 +0000

My husband and I are going through the same thing.. I’ve been googling similar experiences to make sense of this in my mind. See, the thing is, I can TOTALLY appreciate my husband wanting me to get fit. He himself is very fit. But he makes me feel bad about myself. Its not like he compliments me or anything. He don’t because he reserves his attention for other women. I myself am highly attractive and curvy. I just don’t get it… He married me at the weight that I am now. Its not like he married me and I put on all this weight.. I just don’t know anymore…….