Defensiveness

December 18, 2013

Good communication is vital to healthy growing relationships. Defensiveness can stunt or destroy communication. Defensiveness is an attempt at protecting ourselves. It is sometimes rooted in either pride or insecurity: pride in not accepting our flaws and the way they affect our relationships; insecurity, in that we may feel overwhelmed by our perceived weaknesses.

The acceptance of who we are is the antidote to defensiveness. When we are defensive, we may be reacting in order to protect a false view of ourselves as perfect. People who think they are perfect are no fun to be around! If we are defensive because we are feeling insecure and overwhelmed, we need to step back, accept our weaknesses, but also affirm our strengths. In either case, we both come to the same conclusion: perfection only exists in heaven; everyone is flawed.

ACTION   When tempted to be defensive, choose to be silent. Listen to what your partner is saying. Ask questions to help you really understand what is being communicated. Ask yourself if you are feeling threatened? What needs to be protected? Accept that even in the most unfounded criticism there can be some element of truth. Own the truth and discuss the way forward.

“… Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.”

-St Paul in a letter to the Romans (Romans 12:3)