Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Yeah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been. Don't...

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? If the professor on Gilligan's...

From the office e-mail file: People over 30 should be dead. According to regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40s, 50s, 60s or even maybe the early 70s probably shouldn't have survived. Just think about it. Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We slept without flame retardant pyjamas,...

...I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator. ...when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call road service...

Though I am only forty-six, my hair has begun to vanish. I do not have trouble growing hair. But location is everything with hair. I am like a struggling oil company. I have great production, but poor distribution. If you’re one of those guys who still has his original hair, go ahead and laugh. But if you’re experiencing a recession yourself,...

On my refrigerator are pictures of friends and family and animals and one of my dad falling off a chair laughing. There are magnets too. Imitation cabbages, cauliflowers, bittermelons, and pumpkins—all fitting the decor of the kitchen. The dieter’s favorite Bible verse is there: “He must increase but I must decrease.” Here are a few of my...

My mother is in a nursing home and the doctor just gave her six months to live. But when he found out she couldn’t pay her bill, he gave her another year. Last night after spending some time with her, the thought hit me, If I stay in peak physical condition, I will live long enough to be a drain on the medical system. And so I have uncovered three...