As Of Today, I Am Divorced
Here are the facts:
One, I have been living apart from my now ex-husband for two full years. Therefore, I’ve had some time to get used to this single life and single parenting thing.
And two, I was served with a petition for dissolution of marriage eleven months ago. Therefore, I’ve had some time to get used to the idea of, you know, actually being divorced.
Except, here’s the thing. I did not see this coming. I know, only a crazy person wouldn’t actually expect divorce papers to not end in divorce, but that’s where I’ve been living apparently (in crazy town).
This is really happening
I stood in front of a judge and listened to questions being answered, my legs barely able to hold me up. And then I heard this question from the other attorney, being asked of my ex-husband, “Is your marriage over?”
Without hesitation, the reply came, “Yes.”
Seriously, in my head, I was screaming, “It is?!?” Because I honestly, deep down, I thought the trigger would never be pulled on this. I woke up this morning in utter shock that I am actually divorced. I had to say it out loud to sort of remind myself. I am divorced.
So what all this means is, yes, I’ve gotten a bit used to parts of this new life of mine, but oh my word, seeing as I didn’t think it was going to actually happen, I’m so far from being healed and ready for my next chapter in life that it’s not even funny.
Though I was kicking myself for being so sad yesterday because it felt like I should be two years in already, it’s actually just day one for a huge part of my heart that did not expect this to be my life.
Two years in, I’m just getting started
I have felt a thousand and one emotions: anxiety, sorrow, rejection, doubt, abandonment and even gratitude for the good things that came from our marriage. I’ve cried through my wedding DVD and laughed through tears over sweet love letters from our college days.
This divorce – this forever severing as the decree calls it – will be my largest regret and sadness for the rest of my life, no matter what else my life has for me. I will walk through the rest of my days holding in one hand “we should have never married” while balancing “but I wouldn’t trade my children or my friends or anything good that came from our marriage” in the other. It’s all a mystery. One I will grasp lightly and gratefully, knowing I’ll never fully understand the why’s behind it all.
There are so many moments I would change, so many words I would give anything to take back. So many tears I wished I hadn’t cried, so many actions I wished I would’ve taken.
And yet, here I am. Not one moment can be changed. My fragile, now unraveled and undone, marriage forms a huge part of who I am. I can’t go back. And I wouldn’t go back.
For today, and a few todays to come I’m sure, I’ll look over my shoulder. I’ll wonder. I’ll cry. I’ll be sad and walk slow and sigh. I might conjure up a smile or two thinking on the good things.
Today I am requesting permission to be sad for a while…from myself, from God, from the people in my life. But then there will be a time, sooner rather than later I hope, when I will know it’s time to move completely on. Today is not that day.
The ink is dry on paper. But the ink is not yet dry on my heart. That’s going to take a while. Gratefully, I’ve got the time – all the time in the world. I’ve got God, my patient, gentle Healer who will hold my hand, walk alongside me, make all things new, and promises – absolutely promises – to bring beauty from these ashes.
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Making a life after divorce
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Hi Keith,
I am so sorry to hear that your marriage has come to a close. It is never foolish to try and to do the right thing. I know it doesn’t feel that way right now. I do believe that God will honour all the work you put into trying to save your marriage. He saw it and it counts.
As I read your comment I was reminded of a sermon I heard years ago. The worship pastor was preaching (not surprisingly, he spoke on the subject of worship). In the middle of a bunch of other stuff I’ve long since forgotten he talked about how we worship when our hearts are broken. How can we sing when we can’t even speak? I expected him to talk about the joy of the Lord, but he didn’t. He said this instead, “When you can’t sing, come to church anyway and sit there quietly and I’ll sing for you.” I thought that was so beautiful. I’d say the same to you: if you can’t hope today, if you need permission to feel hopeless, do that and I will hope for you.
Can I pray for you?
God in Heaven, I’m here to pray for Keith. You know how much pain he is in. You see the broken places in his heart and you felt the pain when things he thought were his forever were ripped out of his hands. You know how hard it is for him to hope today. I pray that you would be very close to him. You promise us peace when it doesn’t make any sense. It doesn’t make any sense today Father. I pray that you would start the delicate process of binding up the broken pieces. I pray that you would bring people to walk this road with Keith. He must feel so alone. Remind him that he is not alone. Show him, prove to him, that he is not alone. I pray that you would keep him safe in these hopeless days and help him to know that there will come a day when hope is a little easier. Thank you for giving him the courage to leave a comment here today, that took guts. I don’t know if he feels strong today but show him that he is strong. He is capable and valuable and loveable. He is flawed and forgiven, just as I am, just as we all are. Bring comfort in this awful time. Protect him from the lies of Satan and let him grieve in peace. In your name I pray, Amen
Keith, if you’d like to talk to someone privately we have email mentors available. You can use this form to request a mentor and you’ll hear back, usually within a couple of days. Mentors are always matched by gender. Mentoring is a free and private service. You can learn more about mentoring here.
Wow, these words echo my heart exactly. Our divorce papers were signed this past Wednesday. Today I’m sad and furiously angry. I still can’t even comprehend where my life sits in reality today. God will bring beauty from Ashes but I don’t feel the hope in my heart. Hope feels like an abstract idea that has made a fool out of me… for hanging on, for trying to save the marriage when she refused, all the things I failed at in my marriage and believing that God would restore it.
I want the hope I know exists, but I need permission to feel hopeless.
Yovan, I appreciate your willingness to share your struggle with loneliness. I am reminded that Paul also asked God, “When will it end…” I am sure that God response to you is the same that He gave to Paul, “My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness.” (2Corinthians 12:9)
hello, am too with the same kind of experience undergoing. Only LORD Jesus helping to overcome my lonliness.
often my question to GOD, when will it be an end to this agony of lonliness.
regards,
servan in christ
Dear Erica, That is great that you are attending the divorce care group and that the ladies are able to shed light on some of the issues you are dealing with. It is also a wonderful thing that you are getting to know one of the women on a deeper level. During times like this, you need a few godly women friends that have or are going through similar circumstances. It is normal for you to be a bit weepy as the anniversary date of your divorce paper takes place. In time, God will heal and restore you completely from that broken time. God is a God of healing and restoration and as you continue to move on, He will bless you with a beautiful future. Learning to let go of the past grants you the ability to go forward in all that God has waiting for you. Is it you and your ex-husband that are having issues at church or is it more so others judging and disapproval of the divorce?
hi, after I talked with my ex Moday afternoon I went to my divorcecare group and they shed some light on some ideas I have been thinking about. They were telling us about the couple who actually started the group at that church.I also got to know one of the ladies in the group better. When we were talking Monday he asked me to tell my pastor he is praying for him.(we are having alot of issues in the church I attend.) I do know my ex is attending the church we met at.I’m kind of weepy because Saturday will be 1 yr since I was told to go pick up my divorce papers.
As of today I am divorced too, though not final decree. So, I relate to your story and pain and feelings Elisabeth.
We separated 1 year ago with many unsuccessful attempts at reconciliation.
A little over a month ago I proclaimed my love for him at the divorce court conference and I was ridiculed by his lawyer.
2 days ago I was praying Jesus to reverse this divorce action against me and restore my marriage. Yesterday, I awoke with a powerful feeling. I signed the divorce papers and mailed them out to his lawyer.
Today, his lawyer thanked me for cooperating with this issue.
I too, as of today am divorced. And today, I cry! I told Jesus to take over.
Amen
Dear Erica, How did you feel after chatting with him today? Many divorces end up going so wrong and the two individuals never communicate with each other after all is said and done. For you to have chatted with him today and to send him some scripture was very loving and thoughtful. Pray is your best option in having God soften your ex-husband’s heart in receiving and applying the scriptures you sent his way. God’s blessings be with you!
Today I was chatting a bit with my ex husband, he said he still loves me and misses me, I sent him some scripture I pray he reads them and obeys God’s command in them.
Elisabeth, that is so awesome that you have created these facebook groups to help ….Ladies do take advantage of this opportunity!
If you are in a difficult marriage or find yourself going through a difficult divorce, I have created two private groups on Facebook that I would like to invite you to. Simply go to my Blog at http://elisabethcorcoran.blogspot.ca/ and look for the instructions about “A Place For Us”. If you’re in need of some encouragement, I invite you to join us.
Erica, I’m so sorry…that sounds horrible.
I know how you feel but at least you went to court to plead your case, I didn’t get to do that,I woke up one morning and got a message on my facebook to go to the court house and pick up my divorce papers.
Jerie,
I am so, so sorry for your pain. Please know that God does not hate you. He is broken hearted as he sees you in so much hurt. Let him show you his love. Ask him to bring you healing and peace and comfort. It may not come as you expect it, but it will come.
Elisabeth
So I trust believe pray I don’t understand You God. I prayed change me shout my mouth praised him loved him and she decided she wanted him gone . I ask 4 You to help me to 4give not be bitter jelllious . I don’t want revenge . God why do You hate me why . Why can I not have someone to love me. Why are they always in my face? Why now my children say she is ok , she who deliberately went after him? Why do I now have to endure family to include her and him. Where is the love peace Your word promises ?
Dear Elisabeth, your understanding is excellent. Jesus is with you. He will change your mourning into dancing. Obey Jesus and remain in His love so that His joy remains in you and your joy becomes complete. Glory be to Jesus.
Sorry about your divorce.The Lord is able to bring beauty from ashes. Remain blessed.