Helping Your Husband Battle Pornography
If you’ve discovered that your husband is into pornography, well, you’re not alone. This battle with the pornographic monster is a growing problem across the entire societal grid. With the proliferation of sex sites on the Internet resulting in growing accessibility with total anonymity, the problem is only going to grow. Statistics tell us that 35% of all Internet usage is pornographic, and that as many as 50% of men have serious struggles in this area.
Of course, none of that makes it any easier for you to accept. You will naturally be devastated by the news of your husband’s involvement with pornography. There is a huge sense of betrayal and a breaking down of trust. Whether your spouse has been involved physically with another person, or emotionally and mentally through pornography, the violation feels the same. Your reaction could range from disbelief, to disgust, to anger. You wonder, “How could he do this to me?” You likely have no desire to be with him sexually, and you may want to leave him altogether.
First steps
The first thing you need to work through is your immediate response. Your strong feelings are both understandable and justified. At the same time, you need to be very careful that your reaction to your husband does not create more problems than you are already facing. You have both a right and a need to express whatever you are feeling, but you need to do it in a way that will not complicate your recovery. Be honest about your hurts, share openly about your disappointment, but realize that lashing out with damning accusations and attacking, harsh words only makes things worse.
Your initial reaction will likely be impacted by the way in which you found out about the issue. It makes a difference whether your husband openly disclosed his struggle to you, or if you had to discover it and thus he got caught. Obviously there is more credibility indicated in a person who is willing to admit it before he is found out. On the other hand, sometimes God forces the discovery to push a person to deal with their porn problem. Regardless of how you found out, the problem has to be dealt with. As long as your spouse is willing to be totally honest about their battle now, you can work together to overcome it.
Sometimes wives say they’d rather not know if their husband has pornography issues. Yet the bottom line is you cannot be close as husband and wife if there is a cloak of secrecy around these personal struggles. True intimacy requires complete honesty. Although there is some real hurt that you are going to have to work through, you need to accept that resolving the issue is still the path to closeness. Many couples have successfully worked through pornographic addictions. It is possible to recover something precious between the two of you!
How much do you need to know?
You need to have complete freedom to ask your spouse the questions you need answered to be settled in your heart. If you are doing it to get more data to become vindictive and bitter, then don’t ask the questions. But if you desire to understand what he has faced, and you intend to forgive him and find peace in your own heart, feel free to ask the questions. Try to do this in a non-judgmental, non-punishing way. Your husband is likely already feeling plenty of guilt; what he needs now is to know that you are still on his side.
Your needs, his needs
As you face this battle together, you and your husband need to be aware of one another’s needs. You can help your husband by sharing openly with him what your needs are at this time.
Your biggest need is likely to rebuild the trust in your relationship. There are no shortcuts to this: it just takes time. Complete transparency is critical on his part, whether it’s about past indiscretions or subsequent failures. Likewise, you need to be totally open about your feelings. Since the emotional aspect is a woman’s highest priority, a reconnection towards friendship and intimacy is paramount. Rebuilding the relationship must happen before you can freely re-engage in the sexual dimension.
Furthermore, with the knowledge of your spouse, it would be wise to have an outside advocate to share your struggles with. This is a private issue that shouldn’t be shared with others, but to have a chosen friend, counselor or someone who has faced this with their husband is critical. They can help you work through your feelings and frustrations, validate your emotions, and coach you through the right course of action.
Lastly, you need a commitment from your husband to work through his battle with pornography and do all that it takes to get the help that he needs. He must get help beyond you; he must break the silence and be accountable, whether to a counselor or another Christian friend. They must ask him the tough questions as he faces his lust battle. It is unwise to have the wife be the accountability person. You have a relationship to build. Let someone else be the one that holds his feet to the fire.
Though you may not feel like meeting your husband’s needs at a time like this, the fact is he does need your help to conquer this addiction. Above all, he needs your unconditional love, as well as your forgiveness. He needs to know that the slate can be wiped clean, and that you won’t hold this against him for years to come. Nothing will strengthen him more to move to freedom than you believing in him and standing with him to fight the battle.
It would be very helpful to understand the complexity of pornography to the male’s psyche. Although some women struggle with sexual addictions (even in seemingly milder forms like romance novels and soap operas), it is predominantly a male issue. Listen to your husband and try hard to understand. Read at least one of these excellent resources: Every Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn, Pure Desire by Ted Roberts, and Men’s Secret Wars by Patrick A. Means.
Finally, while you are working with him to overcome his problem with pornography, realize that your husband will still have sexual needs. After an appropriate but limited period of time, you do need to be willing to re-engage in some sexual activity, as a sign of your love and commitment to him. This will help ensure that your husband isn’t further tempted to go back to pornography as a substitute for healthy marital sexual relationship.
Why the void?
In some cases a man’s problem with pornography is born out of his own issues. Many men started when they were younger and just never tell their wives about it. Yet, in some cases, pornographic involvement is his response to other problems in the marriage. Honestly assess your relationship and determine whether it is healthy and whole. Are his sexual needs being met? Are your sexual encounters as a couple satisfying and frequent? A husband’s pornographic addiction cannot be blamed on the wife, because he still has to make choices himself. However, a husband is also made very vulnerable to temptations when there isn’t regular sexual intimacy in a healthy, secure relationship. So it may be that there is a void that he is looking to fill with pornography because of the struggles of your relationship. You may need to make some adjustments as a couple so that you have a healthy relational balance and good marital sex.
I would urge you to go for help as a couple to make sure that you’re headed in the right direction. This might be the best time for you and your husband to recommit your lives and marriage to the Lord. Conquering the lure of pornography is very difficult, and you will both need to have a surrendered life, asking God to help you through this. Being assured of forgiveness from both God and spouse is a wonderful source of stability for your relationship. I would suggest that you pray together about it and work out your relationship with a God-centred focus.
Many couples have succeeded in overcoming pornography and have found a healthy balance in their marriage again: a marriage that they love being part of. Instead of being the end of your relationship, let this be a doorway to a new level of intimacy that you never thought possible.
I appreciated the comments, although it is clearly written from a man’s point of veiw. Yes, the women needs to be there for her man, but she is the one that has been abused emotionally. This is a servere situation. The women or spouse being hurt is the victum. It is not only a sexual discrepancy that leads a spouse to use pornography. The root is deeper. Fixing the root(how he handles problems)will help with him to learn appropiate channels for resolutions.
Rachael, I agree completely.
This is great advice if both partners are Christians, but what about if your husband isn’t a Christian and thinks your an over-reacting prude. And when he has expectations in the bedroom that go beyond what you are prepared to give?
Tracey – I wish I had the answer you’re looking for, it is a very good question you’re asking. I do know someone who can help – we have mentors available 24/7 to talk privately through email. Would you like me to put you in touch with one? It is a free and confidential service. I really think it could help. Let me know,
Claire
Although not married–my boyfriend of 3 years is battling this and has been for YEARS. He was picked on in school and his family was neglectful so that was his outlet for “love”. I’m so disgusted by the porn industry and what has become “normal” to many men. I pray more than anything that I can be that kind of wife/girlfriend. To be there and support him through this struggle, but I know how incredibly hard it is. I really struggle with my self worth bc of this issue in our relationship. Wondering who he’s looking at and thinking about, jealousy and mistrust is something I deal with on a daily basis. Definitely could use prayer for us!
I too am battling with this problem, for almost 16 years now (starting as early – that I know of as our first month of marriage). My lack of self-worth, anger and mistrust is at bursting point. I am interested in Claire’s comment, advising of mentors with 24/7 email availability. Could Claire send me the details please?
Claire, I would be interested in that 24/7 service as well. My husband is not a Christian and we have battled his addiction for years. Each time it is me “overreacting” and never him admitting there is a problem. He thinks all men do this so I should accept it. I just don’t know what to do. We have two children and as a Christian I want to work through this with God and not turn to the quick “solution” of divorce.
Hi Ashley, Claire is currently out of the office but I sent your request into mentoring, you should receive an email in your inbox and in the subject line it will say “A email from TruthMedia” just hit reply to respond back to the mentor.
Claire I could use the info too thanks
I’m dealing with this right now. I had known before about my husband’s problem with pornography. We got a filter on out computer but I just found out he has now been using his phone. He has an accountability partner and he went to talk to him about it. I was also told about it. He wants help he says and I want to be able to help him but I just dont know how much I can do. I seriously contemplated leaving him this last time. I feel betrayed especially because I had known before and I thought it would stop. I don’t trust him right now and I don’t believe when he says he will not do it again. I also don’t want to feel like I need to be his mother watching over what he is doing. We were intimate last night but I only did it because I didn’t want him to feel like he had to go watch that but honestly it’s not something I wanted to do…it’s so hard to be wondering “what is he thinking abuot?? Is he thinking about me? or is he reliving those videos??”
I appreciate readying all your comments. I too have been struggling with this problem for over 16 years. My spouse so happens to be a psychiatrist who has been addicted for such a long long long time. We have been married for 19 years, and our in divorce proceedings. He REFUSES to seek help, for he claims there is no hope for this addiction. He finally came out and asked me for a divorce twice and stated “he no longers wants to be married OR be a father anymore. I am now in divorcing proceedings and raising a 11 years old son all alone. I have no family for they have been deceeded for some time, and friends you will loose when divorcing, and the ones you thought we your friends don’t have time for you as much.
I am now a single parent, unemployed and life is just given me some heavy burdens to deal with.
i found this article to be very helpful. My husband has had a pornography, masterbation & now lust problem. We dont sleep together much, he likes the couch. If we are intimate its usually because i initiate and remind him we havent been intimate. And in those occasions its usually pretty quick. And if i dont “hurry up” he finishes and apologizes. When he seems me naked like in the shower or while changing he either makes a face of disinterest or disgust. He almost ALWAYS apologizes after but i can honestly say i lost my self esteem during this marriage, and i cant help but wonder. Will this ever change? I love my husband and so do our two kids and one on the way, so i dont want to separate. We’ve gone through this confession and support each other thing so many times but he always lies! He’ll start again & not share with me, instead he’ll keep away from me & once again my heart breaks…can i get an email with some help because i dont know where to go from here???
oh i forgot to mention we are both christian. He says it helps when he is constantly praying & fasting. But when he fasts he does so most of the week and wont want to be intimate and then he’ll fall..again.
It is nice to know that others have gone or are going through this same issue. My husband had issues with pornography the first year of our marriage. I caught him once, he said he would never do it again, but then a few months later I caught him again. When confronted he lied to me for two days before telling me the truth. I was so hurt, disgusted, and felt so alone. It has been two years since this happened, but I still don’t trust him with this issue. Our computer has a lock on it that still only I can unlock and I get nervous when I leave for a week and don’t know what he’s doing at home. We still get in fights over it and that’s how I found this helpful site because we just argued about it again…how do we get over this and will I ever trust him again?
betty, I have forwarded your request to our mentoring team, you should hear back from someone via email soon. ashley, if you would like to talk with a mentor too, you can start the process by visiting here (you didn’t specifically ask, so I didn’t submit a request on your behalf):
http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/
Hi Cindy, Sorry for the delay in getting back to you I’ve been on vacation. To request a mentor all you need to do is use this form http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ to send in a question. We will match you with a mentor who will respond in email, usually within a couple of days. You can email back and forth with your mentor as long as you like. The conversation is private and there is never a fee. I really hope this can help.
Mentors are always available. It looks like the others who requested a mentor got matched up while I was gone. If we missed anyone, or if there are any new commenters who would like a mentor, you are all welcome to use the link above and a mentor will be in touch.
Thanks for the mentoring information. Additionally, I’m wondering if there is an online forum or group for spouses? I’d be interested in something that offers a community of support on an ongoing basis.