Helping Your Husband Battle Pornography
If you’ve discovered that your husband is into pornography, well, you’re not alone. This battle with the pornographic monster is a growing problem across the entire societal grid. With the proliferation of sex sites on the Internet resulting in growing accessibility with total anonymity, the problem is only going to grow. Statistics tell us that 35% of all Internet usage is pornographic, and that as many as 50% of men have serious struggles in this area.
Of course, none of that makes it any easier for you to accept. You will naturally be devastated by the news of your husband’s involvement with pornography. There is a huge sense of betrayal and a breaking down of trust. Whether your spouse has been involved physically with another person, or emotionally and mentally through pornography, the violation feels the same. Your reaction could range from disbelief, to disgust, to anger. You wonder, “How could he do this to me?” You likely have no desire to be with him sexually, and you may want to leave him altogether.
Does your relationship need help?: Talk to a mentor
Do you want to start over?: Facing the future after a major loss
First steps
The first thing you need to work through is your immediate response. Your strong feelings are both understandable and justified. At the same time, you need to be very careful that your reaction to your husband does not create more problems than you are already facing. You have both a right and a need to express whatever you are feeling, but you need to do it in a way that will not complicate your recovery. Be honest about your hurts, share openly about your disappointment, but realize that lashing out with damning accusations and attacking, harsh words only makes things worse.
Your initial reaction will likely be impacted by the way in which you found out about the issue. It makes a difference whether your husband openly disclosed his struggle to you, or if you had to discover it and thus he got caught. Obviously there is more credibility indicated in a person who is willing to admit it before he is found out. On the other hand, sometimes God forces the discovery to push a person to deal with their porn problem. Regardless of how you found out, the problem has to be dealt with. As long as your spouse is willing to be totally honest about their battle now, you can work together to overcome it.
Sometimes wives say they’d rather not know if their husband has pornography issues. Yet the bottom line is you cannot be close as husband and wife if there is a cloak of secrecy around these personal struggles. True intimacy requires complete honesty. Although there is some real hurt that you are going to have to work through, you need to accept that resolving the issue is still the path to closeness. Many couples have successfully worked through pornographic addictions. It is possible to recover something precious between the two of you!
How much do you need to know?
You need to have complete freedom to ask your spouse the questions you need answered to be settled in your heart. If you are doing it to get more data to become vindictive and bitter, then don’t ask the questions. But if you desire to understand what he has faced, and you intend to forgive him and find peace in your own heart, feel free to ask the questions. Try to do this in a non-judgmental, non-punishing way. Your husband is likely already feeling plenty of guilt; what he needs now is to know that you are still on his side.
Your needs, his needs
As you face this battle together, you and your husband need to be aware of one another’s needs. You can help your husband by sharing openly with him what your needs are at this time.
Your biggest need is likely to rebuild the trust in your relationship. There are no shortcuts to this: it just takes time. Complete transparency is critical on his part, whether it’s about past indiscretions or subsequent failures. Likewise, you need to be totally open about your feelings. Since the emotional aspect is a woman’s highest priority, a reconnection towards friendship and intimacy is paramount. Rebuilding the relationship must happen before you can freely re-engage in the sexual dimension.
Furthermore, with the knowledge of your spouse, it would be wise to have an outside advocate to share your struggles with. This is a private issue that shouldn’t be shared with others, but to have a chosen friend, counselor or someone who has faced this with their husband is critical. They can help you work through your feelings and frustrations, validate your emotions, and coach you through the right course of action.
Lastly, you need a commitment from your husband to work through his battle with pornography and do all that it takes to get the help that he needs. He must get help beyond you; he must break the silence and be accountable, whether to a counselor or another Christian friend. They must ask him the tough questions as he faces his lust battle. It is unwise to have the wife be the accountability person. You have a relationship to build. Let someone else be the one that holds his feet to the fire.
Though you may not feel like meeting your husband’s needs at a time like this, the fact is he does need your help to conquer this addiction. Above all, he needs your unconditional love, as well as your forgiveness. He needs to know that the slate can be wiped clean, and that you won’t hold this against him for years to come. Nothing will strengthen him more to move to freedom than you believing in him and standing with him to fight the battle.
It would be very helpful to understand the complexity of pornography to the male’s psyche. Although some women struggle with sexual addictions (even in seemingly milder forms like romance novels and soap operas), it is predominantly a male issue. Listen to your husband and try hard to understand. Read at least one of these excellent resources: Every Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn, Pure Desire by Ted Roberts, and Men’s Secret Wars by Patrick A. Means.
Finally, while you are working with him to overcome his problem with pornography, realize that your husband will still have sexual needs. After an appropriate but limited period of time, you do need to be willing to re-engage in some sexual activity, as a sign of your love and commitment to him. This will help ensure that your husband isn’t further tempted to go back to pornography as a substitute for healthy marital sexual relationship.
Why the void?
In some cases a man’s problem with pornography is born out of his own issues. Many men started when they were younger and just never tell their wives about it. Yet, in some cases, pornographic involvement is his response to other problems in the marriage. Honestly assess your relationship and determine whether it is healthy and whole. Are his sexual needs being met? Are your sexual encounters as a couple satisfying and frequent? A husband’s pornographic addiction cannot be blamed on the wife, because he still has to make choices himself. However, a husband is also made very vulnerable to temptations when there isn’t regular sexual intimacy in a healthy, secure relationship. So it may be that there is a void that he is looking to fill with pornography because of the struggles of your relationship. You may need to make some adjustments as a couple so that you have a healthy relational balance and good marital sex.
I would urge you to go for help as a couple to make sure that you’re headed in the right direction. This might be the best time for you and your husband to recommit your lives and marriage to the Lord. Conquering the lure of pornography is very difficult, and you will both need to have a surrendered life, asking God to help you through this. Being assured of forgiveness from both God and spouse is a wonderful source of stability for your relationship. I would suggest that you pray together about it and work out your relationship with a God-centred focus.
Many couples have succeeded in overcoming pornography and have found a healthy balance in their marriage again: a marriage that they love being part of. Instead of being the end of your relationship, let this be a doorway to a new level of intimacy that you never thought possible.
So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below the form.
131 Responses to “Helping Your Husband Battle Pornography”
Leave a Reply
Start a Conversation
Media
What Do You Fear?
What do you fear, and why? Is it holding you back from realizing your full potential?
>Watch
- Contact
- |
- Advertising
- |
- Terms of Use
- |
- Privacy Policy
- |
- Link to Us
- |
- Media Releases
- |
- What we believe
I appreciated the comments, although it is clearly written from a man’s point of veiw. Yes, the women needs to be there for her man, but she is the one that has been abused emotionally. This is a servere situation. The women or spouse being hurt is the victum. It is not only a sexual discrepancy that leads a spouse to use pornography. The root is deeper. Fixing the root(how he handles problems)will help with him to learn appropiate channels for resolutions.
Rachael, I agree completely.
This is great advice if both partners are Christians, but what about if your husband isn’t a Christian and thinks your an over-reacting prude. And when he has expectations in the bedroom that go beyond what you are prepared to give?
Tracey – I wish I had the answer you’re looking for, it is a very good question you’re asking. I do know someone who can help – we have mentors available 24/7 to talk privately through email. Would you like me to put you in touch with one? It is a free and confidential service. I really think it could help. Let me know,
Claire
Although not married–my boyfriend of 3 years is battling this and has been for YEARS. He was picked on in school and his family was neglectful so that was his outlet for “love”. I’m so disgusted by the porn industry and what has become “normal” to many men. I pray more than anything that I can be that kind of wife/girlfriend. To be there and support him through this struggle, but I know how incredibly hard it is. I really struggle with my self worth bc of this issue in our relationship. Wondering who he’s looking at and thinking about, jealousy and mistrust is something I deal with on a daily basis. Definitely could use prayer for us!
I too am battling with this problem, for almost 16 years now (starting as early – that I know of as our first month of marriage). My lack of self-worth, anger and mistrust is at bursting point. I am interested in Claire’s comment, advising of mentors with 24/7 email availability. Could Claire send me the details please?
Claire, I would be interested in that 24/7 service as well. My husband is not a Christian and we have battled his addiction for years. Each time it is me “overreacting” and never him admitting there is a problem. He thinks all men do this so I should accept it. I just don’t know what to do. We have two children and as a Christian I want to work through this with God and not turn to the quick “solution” of divorce.
Hi Ashley, Claire is currently out of the office but I sent your request into mentoring, you should receive an email in your inbox and in the subject line it will say “A email from TruthMedia” just hit reply to respond back to the mentor.
Claire I could use the info too thanks
I’m dealing with this right now. I had known before about my husband’s problem with pornography. We got a filter on out computer but I just found out he has now been using his phone. He has an accountability partner and he went to talk to him about it. I was also told about it. He wants help he says and I want to be able to help him but I just dont know how much I can do. I seriously contemplated leaving him this last time. I feel betrayed especially because I had known before and I thought it would stop. I don’t trust him right now and I don’t believe when he says he will not do it again. I also don’t want to feel like I need to be his mother watching over what he is doing. We were intimate last night but I only did it because I didn’t want him to feel like he had to go watch that but honestly it’s not something I wanted to do…it’s so hard to be wondering “what is he thinking abuot?? Is he thinking about me? or is he reliving those videos??”
I appreciate readying all your comments. I too have been struggling with this problem for over 16 years. My spouse so happens to be a psychiatrist who has been addicted for such a long long long time. We have been married for 19 years, and our in divorce proceedings. He REFUSES to seek help, for he claims there is no hope for this addiction. He finally came out and asked me for a divorce twice and stated “he no longers wants to be married OR be a father anymore. I am now in divorcing proceedings and raising a 11 years old son all alone. I have no family for they have been deceeded for some time, and friends you will loose when divorcing, and the ones you thought we your friends don’t have time for you as much.
I am now a single parent, unemployed and life is just given me some heavy burdens to deal with.
i found this article to be very helpful. My husband has had a pornography, masterbation & now lust problem. We dont sleep together much, he likes the couch. If we are intimate its usually because i initiate and remind him we havent been intimate. And in those occasions its usually pretty quick. And if i dont “hurry up” he finishes and apologizes. When he seems me naked like in the shower or while changing he either makes a face of disinterest or disgust. He almost ALWAYS apologizes after but i can honestly say i lost my self esteem during this marriage, and i cant help but wonder. Will this ever change? I love my husband and so do our two kids and one on the way, so i dont want to separate. We’ve gone through this confession and support each other thing so many times but he always lies! He’ll start again & not share with me, instead he’ll keep away from me & once again my heart breaks…can i get an email with some help because i dont know where to go from here???
oh i forgot to mention we are both christian. He says it helps when he is constantly praying & fasting. But when he fasts he does so most of the week and wont want to be intimate and then he’ll fall..again.
It is nice to know that others have gone or are going through this same issue. My husband had issues with pornography the first year of our marriage. I caught him once, he said he would never do it again, but then a few months later I caught him again. When confronted he lied to me for two days before telling me the truth. I was so hurt, disgusted, and felt so alone. It has been two years since this happened, but I still don’t trust him with this issue. Our computer has a lock on it that still only I can unlock and I get nervous when I leave for a week and don’t know what he’s doing at home. We still get in fights over it and that’s how I found this helpful site because we just argued about it again…how do we get over this and will I ever trust him again?
betty, I have forwarded your request to our mentoring team, you should hear back from someone via email soon. ashley, if you would like to talk with a mentor too, you can start the process by visiting here (you didn’t specifically ask, so I didn’t submit a request on your behalf):
http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/
Hi Cindy, Sorry for the delay in getting back to you I’ve been on vacation. To request a mentor all you need to do is use this form http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ to send in a question. We will match you with a mentor who will respond in email, usually within a couple of days. You can email back and forth with your mentor as long as you like. The conversation is private and there is never a fee. I really hope this can help.
Mentors are always available. It looks like the others who requested a mentor got matched up while I was gone. If we missed anyone, or if there are any new commenters who would like a mentor, you are all welcome to use the link above and a mentor will be in touch.
Thanks for the mentoring information. Additionally, I’m wondering if there is an online forum or group for spouses? I’d be interested in something that offers a community of support on an ongoing basis.
Wow this is so amazing! I am not alone! My husband is also deeply into porn and is not a christian. I am a christian and I feel like I cannot live like this anymore.We have 2 children and I don’t know if I can like like this anymore. He say’s he’s trying to stop. I’ve caught him 3 times and after we’ve been to a christian counciler. My husband say’s that he understand what he needs to do and told him that he would get rid of all the porn. He did and then 3 weeks later I found lots on the computer. He doesn’t want to go to counciling anymore and say’s that he’s working on it. We just yell and scream at each other when I find or catch him looking at. I just don’t know what to do anymore. How can I be patient and support him and be by his side trying to help him when all I want to do is smash the computer!! I feel so much hate that it’s wreaking my life and my kids. What can I do to keep my families life healthy? and be the best wife that I can be? I to would be interested in something that offers a community of support on an ongoing basis. I want to thank everyone for your comments.
Claire thank you so much for getting back to me with that website God Bless you!
Hi Bonnie, thanks so much for commenting. We do provide a community of mentors that are suited for cases such as this. If you are interested, a mentor is ready to talk with you.
so I just found out my husband has been watching Porn, We are a christian couple and we have had plenty of other problems but are all rooted to comunication. He is very stuborn and pridful, I had been married befor so this is my second marriage. I had been struggaling with the not giving up issue, but had just finally relized that giving up is not an opption. Then I found this… I calmly showed him his history on the computer and said ” I just want to let you know I am very hurt and discusted by this” I then walked away..we hadnt spoken in 2 days then he wakes me up and says “Honey, I am sorry for hurting you” then he walked away now it has been 2 more days and still no words.. I cant even look at him. I have been down this road before and dont know what to do. I dont know if he has cheated on mebut there had been some things that brought that up in my mind, then I found the porn on the computer and also chats in his email. I feel like I cant turn to anyone in our church out of respect for him, but I find myself hurting so badly that I have suicidel thoughts, I have never felt so lost and alone. We have a child togeather only 1 years old and I have 2 other boys from my last marriage.My husband had told me befor he would never look at porn he thought it was disgusting, he wouldnt do that to himself,me or mostly to God.
I had been begging our Pastors for counciling befor all this and they new we were having problems long before all this, I am agry with them for not steeping in and helping us sooner maybe all this wouldnt have happend. My husband is very anti- councililng he would only listen to our Pastor’s but even when we met with them like once or twice didnt help much. I have prayed like crazy for the comfort of god but not feeling anything. I dont know if I should File for divorce or what. I am so lost… what do I do????
Dear Dancebebe
You are going through a lot right now, my heart hurts for yours. Nobody can answer if its time for divorce, but you. I really recommend counselling, you need to heal and he needs help too. Work on you first if he isn’t willing to get help. May I recommend our free and confidential mentoring program. I can get you connected with a mentor right away, all you have to do is leave a comment and I will connect you.
I had been married for over 16 years now. with 3 kids. Found out about my husband addiction for over 8 years now. He had tried and fail over these 8 years. We had been to counseling a year ago, he managed to stayed clean for just 1 year and lately fell back into it. Of course, I have to catch him red handed like usual. He claimed that he was not aroused by those site and was just there to looked for a 15 minutes escape from work …each time he was doing his work. He also claimed that he never masturbate while watching. Could this be true ? Can someone tell me if their husband is also not seeking for sex satisfaction but purely a pass time even ?? Please help. He also suggest for us to may be watch some sex video once a month, may be would help to cut back on his craving, does it make sense ? Have anyone try this route before ? Please advise.
YY – No one watches porn “just to pass the time” they watch regular TV for that. If he’s watching porn, it’s for the stimulation.
I’m not an expert, or a counselor, but I would caution you against watching porn with him. If you do that, it makes it’s OK, it tells him that you have no problem with what he’s watching. The next time he watches porn alone and you find out he’ll be able to say “well you watched it too”. It sounds like he’s trying to bring you into the situation rather than trying to get himself out of it, which to my, inexpert ears sounds like a man who is not trying to stop watching at all. He’s making excuses – I just got bored, we could do it together, it’s not a big deal. This is not behavior that will to change. This is him saying that he likes things the way they are.
It sounds like this is causing issues in your marriage (which is totally understandable). Have you considered going to counseling? It could be that he doesn’t realize that his behavior is hurting you or it could be that he’s in too deep and doesn’t know how to stop. Either way a counselor could really help, even if you have to go alone at first. We also have mentors available by email if you’d like to talk to someone privately. Just use this form to request a mentor and you’ll hear back, usually in a couple of days.
Please help. I had handed in a mentor form last week and my message is on the website with the name YY posted on September 30. Please have some one talk to me. Thank you.
To Claire Colvin,
I had sent out info to contact a mentor 3 times now in 2 weeks time….no reply at all. What should I do now ?
BrokenYY – I am going to talk to our mentoring co-ordinator right now.
I just discovered a few days ago my husband’s porno activities. After being confronted, he says he is not addicted. I know he is. He was on a porn website almost daily, sometimes twice a day. I am so sick to my stomach. I can’t work, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. He has told me he is sorry and will never do it again, but I do not believe him. I keep asking him “why?”, when I have always been there for him sexually in any way he wanted. He keeps telling me it is not my fault. After talking to the pastor where I work (I work in a church) I told my husband I was installing safeyes.com (which I did yesterday) and he was agreeable, saying he did not want to lose me. He seems hesitant to seek counseling, although he did say he might could talk to the pastor here where I work. The pastor is going to try to set up counseling for me because I just don’t know how I can go on. I should have seen the signs….the lack in interest in sex, him saying he just had no desires anymore. We have only been married almost 3 years and I know how sexually active he has always been. I just don’t think I can ever trust him again. My first husband cheated on me and he knew that when we met and promised me he would never hurt me. This hurts so much worse because I love this man so much and I never thought this would happen. I am so obsessed every day with trying to find more information. Even after all our talks this past weekend, what did I do when I got to work? I have been searching the “hacked email account” (the one I discovered the other day with all the websites, listing days and times of his porno activity. On this account, the activity goes back to 2007, when we were engaged!! I had found all of this last week but found a couple more things today. A search he did for two women’s names, one who lives in Texas where he was working out of town a year ago. Another site he was looking for local single women. I am so sick, literally sick!! My friend told me I can never trust him again, and doesn’t believe he is sincere. She said my marriage is over. I don’t want to give up, but how do I live like this?
Cheri, we at Power to Change offer free, personal mentoring programs where you can talk privately with a trained mentor. Would you be interested? They may be able to help you walk through this issue. You can apply to our program today if you like.
Great Article. Please continue to spread the word about Pornography Addiction.[comment redacted by Editor. Please refer to our Terms of Service]
hurting like hell, turning to alcohol. tried everything. prayer doesn’t work if only one is praying and cares.
Well, this is comforting and not comforting at the same time. maybe my husband is right-all men do it. i get when you’re single, it’s been a while, better than getting a hooker or having anoynomos sex with someone you just met. But when you’re married? And at the risk of sounding completely concieted/rude, im in my mid 20′s and look like all of the girls on these sites (if my eye makeup was darker and i posed in just such a way…) my self esteem is in a weird place. i KNOW im stunning (to look at and to keep company)but i feel like i MUST be lacking SOMETHING. My husband goes into work several hours early before anyone gets in to use the computer undisturbed to look at porn and sofcore magizines, as a result, he falls asleep almost immediately once he gets home. HE even made a comment the other night he feels like he hasnt seen me in weeks. Im VERY tech saavy, and have caught most of his exploits, but he’s caught on to erasing the history (although i can still look on the back up drive) so now his desire to look at random, impossible to live up to airbrushed, photoshoped runaways with drug addictions and boundless STD’s has become a morning staple to go with his coffee. Between his exhaustion because of this sexual schedule, as well as having his desires ‘satisfied’ we go VERY long periods of time without sex. i did mention im in my mid 20′s right? unacceptable. It KILLS ME to know that my husband lives out a fantasy of himself and another woman everyday of his life. im THAT unfulfilling to him. there are almost as many porn addiction sites as there are porn sites, but what do i do when he plays the “denial is the best policy” card? he refuses to own up to his indescretions, and the times he has, he acts like IM the one with the problem, “everybody does it” leaving me feeling toally hopeless and confused. WHAT on EARTH do i do NOW? do i tell his boss? i cant confront my husband directly, he just gets defensive and it goes NOWHERE fast. we just fight and then ignore eachother as long as we can hold out. im desperate. why does he turn down a hot young blonde (i am comestically enhanced myself, thank you)flesh and blood right next to you, so you can have the energy to get up and get your daily dose of 2D pictures? at this point, anyones suggestions would be helpful. i dont want to get a divorce, but if our lives continue on revoling around his porn schedule, i will be left with no choice.
Help. I’m about to leave him because of this crap. He says it’s who I am and doesn’t care that he’s hurting me. What do I do???? He wants me to act like a porn star and it’s degrading and all he does is looks at porn talks and fliers and cybers with women what do I do??? What did I do to deserve this??? I hurt so much…. I feel alone.
I appreciated this article, but I agree with a previous poster that I have a hard time with the fact that it was written from a male perspective. Every time my husband has relapsed into pornography has been during a time period where we were consistently sexually active together. I understand that he has specific desires but I don’t want to be a substitute for his porn. I feel like many times men fail to understand exactly how painful this is and underestimate what they’re asking us to do when encouraging sex again. For me it wasn’t “just sex” or “just porn” it was the destruction of everything important in my life. Now I’m supposed to go back to sex with that person so that he isn’t tempted? I don’t want to sound horrible, but his temptation is his to deal with right now. I’m just trying to survive it.
My husband told me early on in our relationship that he had dealt with a pornography addiction, that he had accountability partner and had been through a program to help. I accepted that he was dealing with it and we married almost 2 years later. Now we are almost two years in to marriage and I find out that he has fallen. His support is not working to keep him clean. He is willing to do what is necessary to get help. But I don’t know how to deal with the pain. I don’t know any details of his issue; my mind assumes the worst though. I trusted all this time that his accountability partners were doing their job. I will admit I have not really been there for him emotionally or sexually as much as he wanted (it has been weeks since the last time we were intimate) but now I just feel sick and the thought of being intimate makes me cringe. He knows it would be a lot of pain for both of us for him to share more details with me but I don’t know if knowing will be productive and help us to get through or if not knowing would be better. I wouldn’t mind having a mentor type person to talk to about this n
Dear Unsure,
Absolutely, we can get you connected with a mentor. I will send in your request right now! You will here from a mentor in a couple of days. The email will come from “TruthMedia Mentoring”
I think you are doing the best thing for you, talking to someone. You are taking a big step and a step in the right direction!
I have only been married a year and a half and have now caught my husband for the third time. We are both Christians and all I want is for him to get better. But at the same time I can’t stop all this pain I’m feeling right now. We are set up to meet with a counselor next week but days seem like years right now. It makes me sick to even sleep in the same bed with him (so i’m not). I find myself obsessing and constantly thinking about what he’s done and wondering if there’s more he’s not telling me. I love him and want our marriage to work. More than that, I want him to get out of this sin – it scares me to think he’s caught up in this. I feel stuck. I want to help him but don’t know how. I can’t help my feelings – they are really just out of control right now. And as a Christian wife I want to support my husband in recovering but struggle to know how to do that, especially in this state. I have hope this time. He seems broken and is seeking help himself…however, i’m not naive either and realize this may be a long and hard road. I told him as long as he’s battling it, he’ll have me next to him. He gives in/up, so will I. It says in the article that I should be sexually intimate with my husband after an appropriate and limited time. I agree that this is true but when will that be? He is not asking for it or anything and understands (as much as his male brain will allow) but it makes my stomach hurt to even think about it right now but I was wondering how long I can deny him sex and it be okay.
to clarify, what i mean by okay is not making matters worse in this situation
CS – I don’t think anyone can give you a specific number of days. I am not a counselor, so this is not a professional opinion, but I would encourage you to be very careful with how long you stay apart. I understand that you are hurt and you have every right to be, but physically separating yourselves is like refusing to speak to him. He is going to feel judged and rejected every time you do it.
I am not saying that you should pretend nothing happened, but total separation is not going to feel like “I will stand with as you fight this”. It’s going to feel like “you are disgusting and I don’t want anything to do with you.” It’s a fresh slap in the face every time you go to bed alone. Is there a way that you can take a step toward him without being fully intimate with him? Perhaps you could return to sharing a bed on the understanding that you are not going to be intimate. If if you slept two feet apart from each other with no touching at all it would be a way to say that yes, things are broken, but you are not completely unreachable.
This is about both of you. You are hurting and so is he, and one of the things you might usually do to comfort each other in times of pain is not an option right now. That’s hard on both of you. I’ve heard of couples in therapy who actually practice holding hands, and then practice hugging, they need to relearn how to touch each other. That may be part of what is happening here.
One other thing I would be careful with is “how long can I deny him sex….” It sounds a little like you are using denial of intimacy to punish him, and I can understand why you might if you are. But when you move towards forgiveness and reconciliation, you can’t start that process until you stop punishing the person you are upset with. It may be that you are not ready to start reconciling yet, only you know where you are in that journey, but if you are ready, when you are ready, you are going to have to stop punishing him. Yes he did wrong and yes you have every right to be angry and this is why forgiveness is such hard work. I heard a definition of forgiveness once as “Forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me.”. That has always stuck with me.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am glad that you are going to counseling, I think that is one of the very best things you could possibly do. Just remember that counseling is for both of you. You are both going to need help as you work though this together.
CS, I think it is a good thing you are going to therapy. Your therapist can help you with timing. I understand how upsetting this must be for you. Don’t push the healing process. If you both want to make it work, you can work through this. Also, Power to Change offers a private and free mentoring program where you can talk to a trained mentor. If your therapy days are too spread out, you may find it helpful to discuss things with someone else. Praying for you!
My heart goes out to all who have posted here. My fiance is also struggling with this battle, but it is a battle that he can not win alone. Him and I both need CHRIST to be the center of our lives in order to overcome – him, his sexual addiction… and me, unconditional love and forgiveness. I have been sexually abused by my father as a child… sexually, emotionally, and mentally abused by an ex-boyfriend of four years, and also struggled with self-esteem issues with that same ex-boyfriend as he was also sexually addicted to pornography (among other things). God has blessed me with an amazing, godly fiance whom I love so very much. Before we even started dating, he told me of his struggle with pornography. I was willing to continue with our relationship and will continue to do so because I love him and want to show Christ’s love to him. He only has victory in Jesus when he realizes that he can not do this on his own. Although he has specifically lusted in this way a few times since he first told me of his addiction, he is still pressing on and the battle will continue until the day we are free from sin with GOD in Heaven! Hallelujah! Of course my past has hurt me… of course I struggle with trust after I’ve been betrayed so many times in my past, but God is my healer and Father and He is all-loving and will continue to restore me. Many of you have a hard time with this article (among other books) because they are written from a man’s perspective. Well, I am a woman of Christ and I know how much it hurts. I also know how much mercy and forgiveness brings healing. Grow closer to God… allow Him to continue to sanctify you to show Christ to your boyfriend, fiance, husband, etc. Cry out to Jesus! He endured more than we will ever have to. There is hope! I am here for anyone who seeks love, comfort, support, and a message of hope. God Bless… and never forget to Bless God! All glory to HIS name!
P.S. I recommend the book Hope After Betrayal by Meg Wilson.
What if your husband has been exposed to porn in the past? When my hubby and I started dating after a year he confided in me that he had been exposed to porn at the age of about 15. He is 21 now so his experience is very recent. He was addicted until the age of 18. He still struggles with it…we both are Christians and whenever he talks to me he looks like he’s about to cry! It’s hurting him deep down inside and I feel really useless. I tell him I love him, but he always apologizes for his past addiction. I love my husband…I wish I could support him more!He tells me how he can remember everything, how he can’t get the scenes out of his head and how much he hates it. Any helpful advice?
MonaLisa, no matter how your husband has been exposed to pornography as a teenager, this is a trap that the devil uses to bind up many Christians, non-Christians, willing and unwilling, families and churches – all are victims in this entanglement of sin. However, it is important to remember that all are sinners and those who have Christ have the power to overcome this sin. I understand the struggle and I understand the helplessness you feel when your hurting husband confides in you about what he’s done. My fiance also struggles and it’s a daily battle (see my previous post that is right above yours). You say you tell him you love him and yet he still apologizes. Do you tell him you forgive him? Have you truly forgiven him? He needs to hear you say those words – he needs to see you live out that forgiveness. Does he forgive himself? Give him verses about God’s forgiveness to us. Pray that he will experience God’s forgiveness and that God will help you to truly forgive him. Every day, I send out one verse among a list of about 20 on addiction, forgiveness, power over temptation, etc. to my fiance via text. I pray for him daily about this struggle and that the Lord will give him strength to focus on Him and Him alone. I also pray that the LORD will erase the memories out of my fiance’s mind. That my fiance will be cleared from the horrible images of his past and that he will remember them no more but be completely cleansed from this horrible addiction. The power of prayer and the power of Christ’s love and forgiveness is what will get you and your husband through. Never give up! Look to the LORD always. “Turn your eyes upon JESUS. Look full into His wonderful face… and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.” Hallelujah!
Hi can an e mail counselor contact me. I have some private questions.
my husband is a pastor who has been viewing pornography for almost 11 years. we confronted but jst say leave him what he is doing. He is already 60 and on going medication for hypertension and diabetes. So he has a problem with his penis that do not erect. I’ve been suffering for this problem since the time he addicted to pornography. what shall I do. I prayed and prayed and prayed and still praying and hoping that he can be free of this.
I have been an addict for many, many years.the last 3-5yrs have been the worst for me. very recently my marriage pretty much fell apart. We are married 7yrs this summer, and have 2 small kids. I am a christian. And have started attending counseling and a rocovery program.i know now that i cant get through this on my own. For the first time in my life i feel like i can/have get through this. I want my marriage back, but i also want one based on trust.not the lies i have lived. I love my wife incredibly! And want a stable secure relationship with her, and for our children. I can not get over what i have done to her! And have been researching more and more on the affects it has on woemen/wives so i can better understand what she is going through. I have grown to hate pornography and the addiction. I pray everyday that with GOD’s help we will work this out. I love you so much baby and hate myself for what i did to you and our family! Please forgive me.
I felt the Last few years that my husband was cheating on me, though I couldn’ find proof. Then oneday I found pictures on our pc, that was downloaded from his phone. It is so easy these days, isn’t it? You would never know what he does on his phone. Then I started checking his internet history. I did not check what was on each one, but the one website shocked me unto my core! It was evil, malistic and way beyond gross. I have seen those horrific images, and I’m scared. What goes in your eyes, doesn’t come out of your brain. He is an agressive man by nature and obviously has deeper issues. I am between two fires: do I give him time to work it out, or do I leave him to protect me and the two girls? How do I trust him? He cleared his internet history… So I won’t even know a thing! He did appologise and we payed about it. But an addoction is hard. You usually hury the people closest to you most. He is suppose to be our protector! :(
My husband and I have been married for six years, and I have known of his pornography/masturbation addiction after only 2 months of marriage. We have had awful luck with bad counselors, and my husband has been to two great counseling groups, but he has never “hit bottom,” but rather the motivation to work on the issue has previously been instigated by me. After reading alot about codependency, I tried to lay off the last two years, and wait/pray for the desire to come on his part. I understand the point that the “desire” for change has to originiate in the addict to ensure true recovery, but I have reached my limit after 6 years of the lies and manipulation and the flat out denial on his part. He will apologize, agree to do whatever I bring up (download software, call a counselor, etc), tell me he wants to stop, and then after two weeks go by, and I confront him that no actions are happening, deny that he said any of it, or go off on manipulative tangents. We are now pregnant with our first child (a miracle considering how little sex he ever wants to have), and while I have grown immensely myself through going through group counseling on my own for spouses, I am very interested in speaking with one of your mentors on the next actions for me. I don’t feel like I can make him hit rock bottom, and financially I cannot afford to seperate, but so much time has gone on in fake “working on it” that I am frustrated wtih teh denial and manipulation and don’t want to “enable” the addiction by waiting, but also understand I cannot force or control his healing. He is going to a new counselor this next week, but I am afraid he will just lie and waste that opportunity as he always has. Advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Dear 6 Long Years, I am so sorry to hear what a hard time you’ve had. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to pursue your marriage and to try and fix this and that is really admirable, that is you taking the vows you took really really seriously. I think that talking to a mentor is an excellent next step. To get in touch with one just fill out the short form here and your mentor will be in touch, usually within a couple of days. I hope we can help.
i caught him again, this time it was worse, he apologized again, said he was done hurting me again, that he didnt want to lose his family again. The only thing new is that now im not healing so well,. I said i would help & support him again but i need help too. I was fine being intimate at first but now its really taking a toll on me and i literally start crying when im with him. And i just feel dead inside. I wish id wake up and this was all a nightmare! I feel ugly, i feel hopeless, i feel dead. Ive already emailed for help 3 times, can i please get a mentor? The pain is even physical now, as in i actually feel my heart physically hurting.