Helping Your Husband Battle Pornography
If you’ve discovered that your husband is into pornography, well, you’re not alone. This battle with the pornographic monster is a growing problem across the entire societal grid. With the proliferation of sex sites on the Internet resulting in growing accessibility with total anonymity, the problem is only going to grow. Statistics tell us that 35% of all Internet usage is pornographic, and that as many as 50% of men have serious struggles in this area.
Of course, none of that makes it any easier for you to accept. You will naturally be devastated by the news of your husband’s involvement with pornography. There is a huge sense of betrayal and a breaking down of trust. Whether your spouse has been involved physically with another person, or emotionally and mentally through pornography, the violation feels the same. Your reaction could range from disbelief, to disgust, to anger. You wonder, “How could he do this to me?” You likely have no desire to be with him sexually, and you may want to leave him altogether.
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First steps
The first thing you need to work through is your immediate response. Your strong feelings are both understandable and justified. At the same time, you need to be very careful that your reaction to your husband does not create more problems than you are already facing. You have both a right and a need to express whatever you are feeling, but you need to do it in a way that will not complicate your recovery. Be honest about your hurts, share openly about your disappointment, but realize that lashing out with damning accusations and attacking, harsh words only makes things worse.
Your initial reaction will likely be impacted by the way in which you found out about the issue. It makes a difference whether your husband openly disclosed his struggle to you, or if you had to discover it and thus he got caught. Obviously there is more credibility indicated in a person who is willing to admit it before he is found out. On the other hand, sometimes God forces the discovery to push a person to deal with their porn problem. Regardless of how you found out, the problem has to be dealt with. As long as your spouse is willing to be totally honest about their battle now, you can work together to overcome it.
Sometimes wives say they’d rather not know if their husband has pornography issues. Yet the bottom line is you cannot be close as husband and wife if there is a cloak of secrecy around these personal struggles. True intimacy requires complete honesty. Although there is some real hurt that you are going to have to work through, you need to accept that resolving the issue is still the path to closeness. Many couples have successfully worked through pornographic addictions. It is possible to recover something precious between the two of you!
How much do you need to know?
You need to have complete freedom to ask your spouse the questions you need answered to be settled in your heart. If you are doing it to get more data to become vindictive and bitter, then don’t ask the questions. But if you desire to understand what he has faced, and you intend to forgive him and find peace in your own heart, feel free to ask the questions. Try to do this in a non-judgmental, non-punishing way. Your husband is likely already feeling plenty of guilt; what he needs now is to know that you are still on his side.
Your needs, his needs
As you face this battle together, you and your husband need to be aware of one another’s needs. You can help your husband by sharing openly with him what your needs are at this time.
Your biggest need is likely to rebuild the trust in your relationship. There are no shortcuts to this: it just takes time. Complete transparency is critical on his part, whether it’s about past indiscretions or subsequent failures. Likewise, you need to be totally open about your feelings. Since the emotional aspect is a woman’s highest priority, a reconnection towards friendship and intimacy is paramount. Rebuilding the relationship must happen before you can freely re-engage in the sexual dimension.
Furthermore, with the knowledge of your spouse, it would be wise to have an outside advocate to share your struggles with. This is a private issue that shouldn’t be shared with others, but to have a chosen friend, counselor or someone who has faced this with their husband is critical. They can help you work through your feelings and frustrations, validate your emotions, and coach you through the right course of action.
Lastly, you need a commitment from your husband to work through his battle with pornography and do all that it takes to get the help that he needs. He must get help beyond you; he must break the silence and be accountable, whether to a counselor or another Christian friend. They must ask him the tough questions as he faces his lust battle. It is unwise to have the wife be the accountability person. You have a relationship to build. Let someone else be the one that holds his feet to the fire.
Though you may not feel like meeting your husband’s needs at a time like this, the fact is he does need your help to conquer this addiction. Above all, he needs your unconditional love, as well as your forgiveness. He needs to know that the slate can be wiped clean, and that you won’t hold this against him for years to come. Nothing will strengthen him more to move to freedom than you believing in him and standing with him to fight the battle.
It would be very helpful to understand the complexity of pornography to the male’s psyche. Although some women struggle with sexual addictions (even in seemingly milder forms like romance novels and soap operas), it is predominantly a male issue. Listen to your husband and try hard to understand. Read at least one of these excellent resources: Every Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn, Pure Desire by Ted Roberts, and Men’s Secret Wars by Patrick A. Means.
Finally, while you are working with him to overcome his problem with pornography, realize that your husband will still have sexual needs. After an appropriate but limited period of time, you do need to be willing to re-engage in some sexual activity, as a sign of your love and commitment to him. This will help ensure that your husband isn’t further tempted to go back to pornography as a substitute for healthy marital sexual relationship.
Why the void?
In some cases a man’s problem with pornography is born out of his own issues. Many men started when they were younger and just never tell their wives about it. Yet, in some cases, pornographic involvement is his response to other problems in the marriage. Honestly assess your relationship and determine whether it is healthy and whole. Are his sexual needs being met? Are your sexual encounters as a couple satisfying and frequent? A husband’s pornographic addiction cannot be blamed on the wife, because he still has to make choices himself. However, a husband is also made very vulnerable to temptations when there isn’t regular sexual intimacy in a healthy, secure relationship. So it may be that there is a void that he is looking to fill with pornography because of the struggles of your relationship. You may need to make some adjustments as a couple so that you have a healthy relational balance and good marital sex.
I would urge you to go for help as a couple to make sure that you’re headed in the right direction. This might be the best time for you and your husband to recommit your lives and marriage to the Lord. Conquering the lure of pornography is very difficult, and you will both need to have a surrendered life, asking God to help you through this. Being assured of forgiveness from both God and spouse is a wonderful source of stability for your relationship. I would suggest that you pray together about it and work out your relationship with a God-centred focus.
Many couples have succeeded in overcoming pornography and have found a healthy balance in their marriage again: a marriage that they love being part of. Instead of being the end of your relationship, let this be a doorway to a new level of intimacy that you never thought possible.
So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below the form.
Steve,
I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through in your relationship. Porn is often seen as a harmless activity but it really can affect relationships in the long run. The problem with porn, even if you view it as “entertainment,” is that it rewires your brain to be aroused by images and not by your partner. Part of the betrayal your partner is feeling may also be because women feel like they need to look like the women in porn. Even if that’s not an expectation you have of your partner, she may feel that way. Accessing porn is so easy thanks to the internet and I’d like to recommend an article on the effects of internet porn, so you’re able to gain a greater understanding of what your partner is going through and how it affects your relationship. You said you see porn as a way of relieving yourself because you don’t want to bother your partner. I would encourage you to read this article on how porn has become a replacement for sex.
I hope those resources help and if you feel like you’re struggling with an addiction to pornography, there are resources out there to help. I don’t know if you come from a faith background of any kind but XXX Church is a really great resource that can help you through whatever you’re going through with porn. You said you’re very sad about what’s happened with your partner and I hope that you have someone to walk you through the hurt in your relationship. If you’d like to continue this conversation privately, a good start would be talking to an online mentor. Our mentors can walk with you through whatever you’re dealing with and you can sign up for a mentor here.
Hi, read some of your comments and to be honest i am the guy thats just been caught, I do have a high sex drive and i do watch porn, its not very often i masterbate while watching i see it more like entertainment (ok very adult entertainment)however i have never crossed the line by talking online or ever being unfaithfull i have only ever watched videos and never paid either.
My partner found out by checking my history on the computer and has basically called it a day thinking it was not only the porn but but i have been having sex with other people. with all free sites they are tags that encourage you do other, thats how they make there money my partner found one that related to “find sex in the uk” and assumed the worst. in the six years we have been together i have never been unfaithfull with any other women or even wanted too.
I am now 57 and have always found the need to masterbate as a way to releave myself, we all have needs and whats the alternative to pestering your nearest and dearist to death, or to go looking for sex, for me the third is to masterbate is the only option as i see it. My partner found out about a year ago that i masterbated and she went spare and made me promise that it would stop which i did foolishly to resolve the issue istead of perhaps seeking help,
Now this the porn, i think it looks like the straw that broke the camels back she feels betrayed which i can understand to some degree but for me there is a very distinctive line in our love life and watching porn on a computer.I am very sad that it has come to this and for some who read this will say its my fault for just being me, maybe they are right.
I think the attraction to pornography is normal and natural. It is normal because you can hardly go anywhere in our society and not see at least mild forms of it. It is natural because you don’t have to teach people to want to see it. However, just because something is normal and natural does not mean that it is a healthy thing to pursue. It is natural and normal for infants to be self-centered but it is a trait that we try to train them to put aside because it is not a healthy way to interact with other people. Lying also comes very naturally. Nobody needs to learn how to lie (may be some need to learn how to lie well but…) yet it is something that we all go to pretty easily. We all know it’s a very unhealthy pattern in relationships so we work at trying to un-learn it.
That is part of what makes us human: we have a nature from birth that sets us in the wrong direction. We do things even though we may know that they are harmful and hurtful. That’s why the offer that we have from Jesus Christ is so amazing, “What this means is that those who become Christians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gone. A new life has begun! All this newness of life is from God, who brought us back to himself through what Christ did” (found in the Bible at 2Corinthians 5:17-18). When a person decides to become a follower of Jesus, He makes a change in their life so that they are no longer guided by a nature that is self-centered but they have a new nature that is centered on Jesus.
One of the writers of the Bible put it this way, “No matter which way I turn, I can’t make myself do right. I want to, but I can’t. When I want to do good, I don’t. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway…Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord” (this is in one of Paul’s letters in the Bible, Romans 7:18-19, 24-25). I know that I can relate to what Paul wrote. It sure described my life; and it was for that very reason that I knew that I needed help. I asked Jesus to change me so that I could stop doing what was ‘normal’ and ‘natural’ and start doing what was right. You know what?! He did!
If you want to find out how you can be set free from doing ‘natural’ and ‘normal’ (Yes, even your attraction to pornography) and start following Jesus, have a look at this site http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/discoverpurpose and you can also talk with one of our online mentors at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor. They can help you discover the new person that Jesus can make of you.
I cannot stand anymore people saying watching porn is normal. A mans sex drive is normal before he’s RUINED by watching porn on a regular basis. His sex drive is to be reserved for his PARTNER. For procreation, THAT’S normal. Nothing else is. Having a sexual relationship with your own hand because you can’t wait to have sex is useless and just selfish, impatient and dumb… are you a monkey still?? Or have we not evolved since then? Hello??? Men and women BOTH FIND EACH OTHER atractive. This IS how we get together in the first place right? But here’s the clincher…. you aren’t supposed to continue looking for more and more partners!!!! Partners for your hand and your mind. A sepparate sex life performed without your partner being invited! USELESS!!! and SO NOT normal.
One thing I see that is wrong right away is a lot of ladies on here being control freaks and trying to dominate the internet usage of their husbands. That alone is creating a forbidden fruit complex. While I agree that porn can and often does become an unhealthy obsession, a lot of women need to look at themselves and ask what it is they have done wrong when it comes to intimacy. There are some cases where it is just that, an unhealthy obsession that may require help, but for some ladies ask yourselves are you the type that has the “let’s get this over with” attitude when it comes to sexual relations with your husband? Sometimes you need to be the dream girl, I am not saying to be his daily porn star, but sometimes create some excitement. A lot of ladies feel like just the fact that they give sex is enough, and that is selfish and short sighted. How would you feel if your spouse did the things you wanted most with that kind of attitude? Think about it like that. We get so lost in daily routine that we forget the things we did to fall in love in the first place. This is a problem that men face as well. Sometimes we are afraid to tell our partners about our desires for fear of criticism or being looked at differently. The bottom line is men are primal creatures, and the main thing they desire is sexual gratification, but some often get greedy in their search. The first fail is the fear of possible rejection after sharing their fantasy with their spouse, then searching for another outlet (porn, affairs, etc.) Those men whom think like that are dumb, there has to be a meeting place or medium between couples, I suggest a healthy discussion where everything is left on the table, things should be both agreed upon and dismissed from both parties. You have to make love work. Ladies, I do suggest that you accept that there are times that a man will have to take care of his “need” when you are absolutely NOT in the mood, and you making them feel worthless for that is adding to and not solving the problem. Complete honesty and compromise from both sides is the ONLY thing that will solve this. When you took your vows in front of God you both promised “for better or worse”. Stop creating your own problem.
Hello,
I am only 20 years old, and yet I’ve already suffered through two boyfriends who have betrayed me through pornography use. Rare for my age, I find visual and mental monogamy almost as important as physical monogamy for a relationship. If I am committing myself to someone, I commit my whole self, not just my hands and body. To me, using porn while being monogamous with someone is as disingenuous as being an activist for equality while secretly hating a certain race. I also find the content of porn to be rather women-hating and it creates a false standard for women to meet and men to expect. Also, if you are not ready to commit yourself to one person in EVERY way, you are not ready at all and should probably remain single until you are rather than hurt someone.
My first boyfriend is the reason I developed these feelings. When I found out about his use, he gave me every lie in the world to “quiet me” for at least the rest of the day, until I found new evidence… I felt so ugly and worthless, I even offered through my tears to let him continue, if that would make him happy, so long as he would just tell me that he was going to continue. He still lied and told me I was all he needed… When that lie exploded that night, I never trusted him again, and the rest of our relationship was filled with contempt, suspicion, and sadness.
My current boyfriend, when I met him, was ending a 10 year addiction to pornography. He hated it, but only recently found the will to stop. I was timid, and told him that I could not date someone who used it, so he swore to me he was done. However, he did have one major slip up to which he secluded himself from everyone, including me, for a whole day. He immediately confessed the next morning and has been doing everything he can to avoid anything of the sort for our future. We have spoken with wonderful people at our church, been praying, and he is using accountability software, and has been temptation-free for nearly a year.
I tell this story because these two men were exposed to the same media, and even though the second man was far worse off (I won’t explain all the datails) he was the one with the knowledge that it was wrong and the desire to change. If a man is lying to you about porn or making excuses for his habit, KNOWING it causes you pain (which should be enough for ANYONE with a heart to stop use) then he is not, in my opinion, committed enough to you or your love to honor you the way you should be honored. This goes the same for women using porn as well. I raise my glass to the strong people who have found their way out of the world of porn, and I send my love and prayer to all those still under the pain and torture that is pornography, both users and those close to them. You are never alone. NEVER. There is always someone out there who understands your pain or struggles, and even if you can’t find them, they are there, and so is God.
Marylou,
Have you spoken to your husband about how it is making you feel? Would you consider going to marital counseling? Porn tends to be a serious problem that needs professional help to deal with.
how do u think male and female get together…as they both find one another attractive by looking at each other lustfully ….thus it is totally natural to lust….looking at porn is just man looking for a mate…..men are visual…..and so are females ….they look for men they find attractive so their offspring will be a successful offspring
What would be unnatural would be man or women not finding porn viusally attractive
On the point of married men watching porn or married females for that matter watching it……they obviously dont satisfy their needs of their partners in bed…or they wont do the thing they like, thats why they look at porn…..if a partner is not giving you what you want…why do you think they look elsewhere—–>>pretty obvious
Also andrew talking to the sky wont cure anything…..but sitting down with your partner ….and say look i find this a real turn on…can we try it….if the partner says no…..why do u think they look at porn to get what they want……if u cant satisfy your partner 1. you should never of married them…….2. discussed what you find attractive in bed..before you have even married them……..3. you thought a man in the sky which u called a god told you this is your partner….i have brought him into your life……..——->>and now you are seeing you should have used your own understanding and your own reasoning to find a partner…..rather than self deluding yourself——>>u only have yourself to blame….you only have to look at the mountains of posts on here—->>>trust your own instincts—->>trust your own reasoning—->that way you will not be so gullible that a bearded man in they sky brought u a partner
andrew u are clueless…the reason men look at porn…women also for that matter is we a animals and related to apes…if men or women didnt look at porn the human race would die out and they would not have lust to procreate—–>>looking at porn is totally natural
my husband watches porn and gets on live porn and it makes me sick because we have a great sex life im very sexual and we have sex alot so why does he still need it when i found out i was in shock because he is a preacher and knows its wrong and even preaches aginst it so now i dont know how to deal with it i feel like he not only betrayed me but the people he preaches to and i dont know how such a man of god could have fallen so i trusted him and now i dont know how to trust him or beleave in him he has lied to me about it how can he still call his self a preacher but here i am still by his side and still going to church with him and now i dont here him preach im sitting there going oh god how can he still be up there knowing what he has done
What can I say to y’all ? I’m the wife the victim of his porn addiction, speed dating free mixing with caucasian sluts. why am I with him? becuz it is respectable to just stay married to him becuz he pays well for being the wife alot more that he is paying the cheap local tarts for a quick cyber personal watever session
end of. only way i can deal with is i can honestly say iv tried to cure him the kind way the mean way and the i dont care i still lokk younger and better than you way but hell it isnt working so im living for my kidz ….best wishes to all fellow sufferers in da same boat.
Robert,
I am not sure you understand what I am saying, for the women who have commented, they have all explained how hurtful it is to them but for their husbands its a problem that they cannot stop, its an addiction. When you are a recovering drug addict, for the family members having boundaries and lines of accountability are necessary in gaining trust. For these women, maybe spyware is a line of accountability with their husbands. You can’t just pass this issue off as a simple discussion about feelings. I also believe that the women who have commented do understand men and their urges and would gladly be there for their husband’s sexually urges but their husbands choose to look at porn.
Leah
Leah,
I try not to look at Porn even though I am a single man. The reason why I resist is because I believe God doesn’t want me to see women only that way. On the other hand, the reason why I do look at is, I am a man, I have needs that are not being met. It provides a temporary relief for my sexual urges. It is not that I feel anything for these actresses. Its simply a way for me to get the ever haunting urge to procreate out of my system. I see that many women here don’t understand what it is like to be a man. Therefore I doubt that these women will ever understand why their husbands or boyfriends watch porn.
Women, I will restate that if you set up spyware into your husbands computer that is spying on your husband, it will show a lack of trust and an intrusion of his privacy. Actions like these will only backfire on you. How would you feel if your husband put a camera in your bathroom or a Gps tracking device in your car? Please just be upfront, tell him that hurts you a great deal when he looks at porn at tell him why. Here is a good link that may help – http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Your-Husband-to-Stop-Looking-at-Porn
Robert,
I don’t think that the women who have commented are spying on their husbands. Why do men feel the need to hide this, if it was something that was normal and common, then men would not hide the fact, and women wouldn’t have to “spy” on them. Also, I think the women on this article are not talking about a one-time issue but an issue that affects their whole life. Some men get consumed with it and everything that was important to them are not anymore. Addictions take over and ruin not only the person with the addiction but the loved ones also. To pass it off as something that they have to deal with is completely insensitive and cold.
Sometimes porn addictions are not about how attractive you are to your spouse but an issue that goes deeper, in which getting exercising will not help. As, a man Robert, what helpful and useful advice can you give these women that would help them with their husband porn addiction?
I am sorry to inform all of you women out there. Spying on your husbands and demanding that they stop looking at porn will only drive them further away. Accept the fact that men love sex, try to reason with them in a logical upfront way. But telling your man he can’t masterbate is like telling a fish he can’t swim. Best of luck with your relationships.
P.S. Try to go to the gym together. Exercising will increase your testosterone levels and you will both be more attracted to each other.
Dear Kellie,
I’m so sorry to hear it has been so hard for you to deal with your husband’s addiction. It saddens me to read about the troubles you have been having in your marriage. Dealing with an issue of this kind in your marriage when you’re feeling very much alone must make it even more difficult. In light of what you’re going through, I recommend signing up for online mentorship through our website. Mentorship is done through one-on-one emails in a way that is non-judgemental. Our mentors are really great at coming alongside you in any kind of difficult situation you are facing. You can sign up for mentorship here. I’d also like to recommend a website that might be helpful to you called XXX Church. It’s an organization that works to help those affected by and addicted to pornography. It might help with some of your questions and in dealing with your husband’s porn addiction.
I would imagine this is very upsetting for you to go through and I would like to pray for you.
Lord God, I pray for Kellie. I pray that you would comfort her as she struggles with her husband’s addiction. I pray that you would give her someone to talk to when the issues in her marriage seem overwhelming. I pray that you would speak to Kellie’s husband and help him to realize what his addiction is doing to their marriage. Lord, may you give Kellie the words to say as she talks to her husband and that you would give her strength to make decisions about their marriage. I pray that you would bring more openness to their marriage and that you would heal the hurt that Kellie is experiencing. I pray this in Jesus’ name, Amen.
i started to realise my husband had a porn addcition when he could no longer get turned on by me in the bedroom, im 30 he is 40 we have been together for 9 years. i actually thought he was cheating so further investigating i discovered he was downloading alot of internet porn. up to 40 hours a week and when our baby was born he cared more about getting alone time with his computer then he did about us. i finally confessed i knew what he was doing and what he was looking at as he screamed at me twice for crashing his computer saying its his work comouter and he only uses it for work, i i told him and i wanted it to stop . some of the things he was looking at quite honestly has changed the way i look at him and i am by far not a prude (we used to watch it together and have always had a great sex life with toys, positions ect but it was always open and honest) the way he spoke to me had ended up so degrading he was rude and critical on a daily basis and in the bedroom he either couldnt get there or he treated me like a porn star doing what he wanted to get there. he also looked at live chat shows that were free but swears he never spoke to the girls and he also looked at a fling site but i do know he never registered.
anyway, he said what he needed to say to shut me up thats how it felt he told me he didnt know how i felt , he will stop and there is no need to put blockers on the computer as its his work one, he told me to trust him. any way i said nop worries and installed spy ware and it turned out in the week following he looked 4 times out of 7 days. I told he again i knew (because he was now deleting the history) but the spy ware logged everything he looked at) he ended up saying i should trust him, he isnt doing anything wrong this is normal for all men “i believe it is normal in moderation not 30-40 hours a week) and he is annoyed hat i dont trust him and he has told me i am completly over reacting i got angry stormed off and ened up spraining my ankle SEVERLY 4 weeks on still swollen and bruised he told me it was karma for having a go at him unecessary and wanted to know why the sudden concern why am i acting so insecure i have nothing to worry about
any way our sex life has improved as i have put blockers on his computer and he does not have access to any other computer. i even tried to spice things up with ties, blindfolds and a few toys (something i did a few years back and he loved it) well that went completly wrong he complained saying he didnt trust what i was going to do blah blah got quite annoyed and i said to trust me i have your best intentions at heart (we have been together 9 years and he again loved this last time) in the end he got so annoyed that i threw the lot in the bin
worst thing he got in out the bin and used it on his own (thinking i didnt know) so i ended up getting his car keys (he kept the bag in his car) and i threw it in the bin again. he hasnt mentioned it but he knows there gone)
any way i am now at this point where he cant watch it but i dont trust him, when he gets home now i worry he has cheated, bought some dvds, the stuff that goes through my mind is crazy, i wanted him to go to councelling with me he refused saying its a load of crap and he does not have a problem. but i believe he does because if there wasnt blockers on the computer he would still be downloaidng it, his response when he got caught the second time 4 times in one week afteri confronted him the first time was “so what i only looked 4 times so its been 3 days since ive been on)
he is again now being nicer ect but i am left feeling depleted i dont trust him if he put the blockers on himself id feel that at least he is making an effort but it seems if i dont baby sit this there is no effort on his behalf at all because as far as he cares it shouldnt be a problem and i am over reacting.
so i ask where do i go from here what can i do from here, i was going to give him a choice of therapy or i am taking the kids and leaving im done but it feels pointless because if he goes he isnt going to talk because he honestly believes therapy is a load of crap .
so someone please am i over reacting should i just trust now he wont look, he wont cheat and ignore that he thinks it isnt a problem and ignore the stuff he was looking at that has left me thinking who the hell are you? and just get on with things as normal? am i wrong for feeling this way? i no longer feel theres anything else i can do, i love him but i feel degraded what step is next if there is any? i feel he should have been able to have even attempted it without the porn blockers (he didnt even try logging onto porn that night i first confronted him) ive dealt with this two years alone and thought we could sort this out once it was in the open but i feel i am still in this one my own .
My story might encourage some of you. I was a porn addict for many years and I kept hoping for a miracle from somewhere. I became a christian but the addiction stayed with me. I thought that getting married would but it didn’t. My wife knew about it but did not get upset with me, she just prayed and prayed to God and waited. I went to see counselors but nothing happened then one day I thought that Jesus Christ had died for that too and the porn went and so did everything else related as well even the hunger for it. It has been several years now and sure I have a thought crossing my mind every once in a while but the addiction is gone because now I am hungry for Him instead and not for some falsehood about pictures of women that have been modified for their viewers. So If you wives believe in God, pray for your husbands, it will be a lot more effective than getting mad at them. God bless and He loves everyone
Hi. I just discovered my husbands porn addiction. We’ve been together 10 years, I discovered it by accident. I really don’t have a problem with pornography, but clearly it’s gone from the occasional viewing to an addiction. He’s been very distant emotionally and physically for approximately 6+ months. Whenever I asked him what was wrong he made me feel like I was crazy, he’d roll his eyes and tell me I was imagining things. He’s say I was the one who’s changed. He’s on medication and he told me it has affected his libido. I’ve begged him to go to councelling, to see his Dr. about getting a different prescription. He continually denied there was an issue.
He has emotionally and physically checked out of this relationship.
I confronted him two days ago. I was so furious, I scared myself. I called him every name in the book. I made sure he knew how disgusted I was with him. He has made me feel unattractive and inadequate and I made sure he knew that. He got down on his knees and cried, begged me not to kick him out. He told me he loved me, although how he’s shown it is quite to the contrary.
I told him he could stay in our home, however, he has made me feel like I am nothing more than an annoying roommate and that is how we are going to live. I told him he has to see his Dr. about his medication, join a sexual addiction support group, get rid of any porn in the house, never ever ever lie to me again, etc. Any violation of this I will immediately pack his stuff for him and kick him out. Harsh? Maybe, but I’m so serious. He has ruined our relationship and I told him that I believe this is all on him. I will take no blame for this mess he made and it will be a huge committment and a long road for him to clean it up. I made sure he knows I love him, and that is the only reason he can stay here. Whether I will continue this marriage, I don’t know.
The worst part for me is he was amazing when I met him, when I married him. He was supposed to be a better man. He wasn’t supposed to ever lie to me, or make me feel so unwanted.
The last two days he’s gone out of his way to be on his best behaviour. He admitted this has been going on for two years. He did call his Dr. today. He has an appt for a referral for a therapist. I really hope he does well with this. I hope time is what I need to forgive this horrible betrayal. But it saddens me that I don’t think it will be.
hello all ,
my husband is addicted to porn. he never told me i found out. he promised he would stop but its been going on for months now he lies about it he looks at it on his cell phone at work at the gym at home when im not at home on the computer ps3 and so on. it beyond hurts me and as much as i love him and want to help him im to the point where what more can i do ? im very smart with computers so deleting it doesnt matter i find it and he swears he didnt until i show him and then he goes into the im sorry ill stop im addicted its hard. i offer him help i asked what he needs me to do i try to get us out doing more i have offered him go to a counsler nothing works. im to the point where i just wanna throw in the towl and be done however we just found out 3 months ago we are expecting our first child. and that still hasnt stopped him what more can i do. its like he may as well be out sleeping with another woman cuz thats how it makes me feel to much porn is cheating to me. a little is normal i realize that but everyday where your lying to me and denying your own wife love making?
help im desperate
There are many reasons why a man gets involved in porn as yes trust is betrayed when someone is married and they are addicted to porn for various reasons. The underlying reason that a man or woman gets involved in porn is because like a drug it is self medicating as it helps to deal with the pain that is inside of someone. Many times issues that have not been dealt with when they were younger fester in a persons soul as it could be sexual abuse, mental abuse, abandonment, and many other reasons. The hurt inside a person is so deep and so intense that they need to find a way to heal so the first time a person looks at porn it is like WOW this feels good! Only problem soon it becomes like drug as the first time feeling a person gets looses it’s luster so pretty soon it is an all consuming habit no matter how often you have intimacy with your spouse. Most think it is the porn that is the issue when in fact it’s not the porn but the deep inner hurt that has never been dealt with and the longer it is not dealt with the bigger the problem becomes. Sure you can put porn blockers however you are not changing the mind as the mind will always find a way to get the porn drug. When the person is honest and deals with the hurt through Christina counseling, prayer with others the deep addiction will continue.
It is not just the counseling as if a person just goes to counseling the hurt will never be dealt with. The healing is simple and this is where you find the healing in Romans 8: 5 Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things pleased by the Spirit. To heal is difficult but so simple as porn destroys one soul and as the soul is being destroyed severe anger is placed inside which is why many people involved in porn are so angry as it is self destroying the soul. To be freed from this is found in Romans 8: 2 And because you belong to him, the power of the Life-Giving spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death.
A person will only decide to become free when they are backed and forced into a corner and have no other place to turn and for a person to get to this point it takes much prayer from the spouse and wisdom and sometimes tough love. Jesus through the Holy Spirit will heal a person but it also takes support of others around them.
God Bless
God Bless
Julie, Mobistealth looks like really good software, but not sure it will work on his phone. I still have my suspicions, even though he says he is doing nothing. He went into a fit of rage last Friday night when I brought it up again and threw his laptop on the wood floor and stomped it. He said “this damn thing is the cause of our problems”. He then went outside and was literally pulling large plants in pots up by the roots and throwing patio furniture across the yard. He had been drinking more than usual. I was scared, even though he didn’t threaten me. I was finally able to calm him down. He said he is angry at the world and tired of me bringing up the porn. He tried to assure me (once he had calmed down) that he has no interest in that any longer. I wish I could believe him. I know this marriage does not stand a chance if I can’t let it go, but I am still so hurt. I tried to explain to him Friday night that he has no idea how the porn affected me as a woman. I feel worthless and inadequate now and do not even want him to see me naked. He said that I am still beautiful. He was telling me that when he was looking at porn (even though I didn’t know about the porn then, I found the history of dates and times), so I find his words now very hard to believe. And, guess what? He is looking at purchasing another laptop already. he said it is no rush. I knew he would! I had Safe Eyes installed on the other one and you bet I will install it on the new one! I know I sound controlling, and do not want to treat him like a child. There was a time in my life that I trusted whim wholeheartedly and he betrayed me. I pray I can feel that way again.
ladies…if you can grab your husbands or boyfriends smartphones for about five minutes in thr middle of the night..there is monitering software out there. I used mobistealth to find mine. luckily..i caught it very early…so that it hasnt affected anything in our relationship except for..obviously finding out he was looking at this all day long at work than erasing it when he pulled in the driveway. he told me to go ahead and take off data on his phone and its not important to him…it sure seemed important! but its a compulsive behavior and addiction. if you find it early enough..like any other adfi tion…its easier to stop. and thank god..i feel very loved and attractive and I think that hes trying extremely hard in this area..even though that didnt change much when he was doing it…but its even better now than its ever been. I think convincing them thst a real person in a real relationship is what they need to focus on….best of luck…and if u need it..try the spy software!!
I just have to say that the last section of this article talking about “meeting his needs” is completely FALSE! “In some cases a man’s problem with pornography is born out of his own issues” WRONG! It is always born out of his own issues. My husband struggles with pornography and I know it. However, we have, “regular sexual intimacy.” Just last night we both had “satisfying” sex yet this morning after I left for work and before he did, he was on the computer looking at porn! Not having enough sex with your husband is NOT what makes him look at porn. It is something much deeper that is about HIM, and not about YOU.
Dear Anon,
Thank you for being so open and honest. Your boyfriend is a lucky person to have you in his life. You can support him and love him but I want to caution you to not get sucked into his disease. Do not change your ways or make excuses for him. He needs to seek professional help, he may say he can do it on his own but its a lot harder. I encourage you to seek counselling yourself, there is an emotional toll that is taken out on the people that support people with addictions. You need to keep yourself heathy.
I encourage you to request a mentor from our site, it is free and confidential and you will be matched with a mentor that knows what you go through and can help you. Here is the link to mentoring: http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
Sincerely,
Leah
My boyfriend just confessed to me that he has this problem a couple days ago. I was really shocked and extremely hurt because he’s the last person I’d think of to have this problem. The reason I was attracted to him in the first place is because I thought he was pure. I have only gone out with him for three months now. I think that he really respects me that he was able to share this with me because he wanted to be totally honest with me so that we could have a deeper relationship. He wants to stop and needs my help. So I will try to support and love him as much as I can. I have already forgiven him because it’s a thing of the past (for now). He has committed to never looking at a porn site again. He has put up blockers already. I will be there to help. I’m wondering if I shouldn’t flirt with him that much for a period of time so that he will have a period of complete abstinence and I wonder if that will help him with his addiction or if I should still flirt so that he will have a more gradual transition. I’m his first girlfriend and he’s also my first. I’m a Christian so I will not become romantically involved before marriage so that won’t be a problem but I’m still wondering what my limit should be within a certain time frame and so on.
I’m here to support, love, and encourage him but if nothing works I’m afraid I’ll have to walk away from this relationship even if it’s really hard because I don’t think I can stand having my husband look at another woman.
Please help me!
I would appreciate any prayers anyone would like to offer.
God bless and thank you for this post!!
Vicky,
You have to ask yourself can you really live with your future husband’s addiction to porn. It is very difficult to trust again and very difficult for him to stop. My hubby says he has stopped but I don’t trust him, nor do I completely believe he has stopped. Believe me, I can completely understand loving someone and not wanting to lose that someone. As much as I love my husband, many times I wish I had the strength to walk away because the pain is almost unbearable at times. Vicky, I will pray for you and I will also pray that your fiance will change and realize that is no good life for him.
vicky,
You may or may not take this advice. It is up to you, but do remember that you are willingly chosing your destiny. You have the oportunity to make a better decision for you AND your fiance. You dont necessarily need to break up, just post-pone the wedding. If you have a moment, look back at the posts of every woman on here that is married to an addict. Its alot more pain & embarrasment than you can imagine. I can testify to that, ive been there myself. Look for help BEFORE you get married. Ask for a mentor on this website they help a lot!! And another thing is, does he think he has a problem? Does he truly want to change? A sure sign of wanting to change is that he will willingly seek help, of course he will not announce it to the world but may get a professional counsil. If he doesn’t & you marry him you are knowingly and willingly accepting this addiction in his eyes, so it will be more difficult than you can imagine. Im sorry if i sound drastic but sadly it only gets worse when not treated. God can help if you ask him and allow him to work in both your lives.. I pray you make the right decision…
I am getting married in 4 days.
I just found out my fiance has a serious porn addiction. It lead to him getting way out of hand at his bachelor party.
I know everyone may just tell me to get out of the relationship while I “still” can… but I can’t. Our lives are already molded together and we cannot undo that.
He does not want to see a therapist and is not spiritual. He wants to handle this on his own but I don’t think it will be enough.
Even right now he is out with his best man and I don’t 100% trust him. I am so scared. I feel so alone. I know I can’t talk to anyone that knows us about this because they will not forgive him or understand.
How do I tell him we need to see someone about this? How do I show him that we need to get professional help? He knows I won’t leave him…. that is probably the worst thing of all.
Please help.
Betty we are glad that you did come back and encourage others that change is in fact possible.You are so right in saying that it isn’t your fault if you husband struggles with pornography and I really think that we can’t say that enough.
Cheri, keep on trusting and praying for God to indeed be working a miracle in the heart of your husband. It is possible for him to change, but once trust has been broken in a relationship it needs to be rebuilt.
Betty, thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I, too, believe that change is possible. I am trying really hard to believe my husband is true to his word when he says he has no interest in “looking at that stuff anymore”. He is definitely more attentive to me. I think I have read so much online stating that change is hard and porn addicts usually go back that I am having a hard time (sometimes) believing he is telling the truth. It has definitely made me feel more insecure than I did before I discovered his habit. I made a comment to him the other day for the first time in a few months about the porn and he said “are you ever going to let that go?”. I know I need to restrain from making those comments, but the hurt is still there. God Bless you too Betty! Oh, and Brannon I appreciate your words of advice and encouragement also! God Bless you all!
for a while i tried to avoid coming back to the website because i am still hurt but i felt the need to come back and tell the other women here that change is possible. I dont quite understand it but im really happy because he finally got “fed up” with his addictoon and became disguisted by it & i can testify today that by miracle of God he is healed! Yes it took years & alot of tears & too many heartbreaks to count but IT IS POSSIBLE! we must remember that we can do all things in God who strengthens us! To all my hurt women out there, dont lose hope, God hears you! Brannons advice is excellent specially because we always think its our fault when its not. We need to concentrate on healing and not so much on them because thats what ends up hurting us more. Also its all up to them. If they dont wanna chnge they wont but if they sincerely want a change IT IS POSSIBLE! God bless!!
Dear Brannon
Thank you so much for such a great response. I had to remove your personal email address from the comment because we do not allow personal email addresses on the site according to our Terms of Use. But we are always looking for counsellors to help us with online mentoring. I would encourage you to become a blog mentor with our sites. Here is the link to our application http://truthmedia.com/training/blogmentoring101/
Hi my name is Brannon. I’m an addiction therapist that works primarily with pornography/sex addiction. As I read these posts I am saddened by the pain and anguish that your husband’s pornography addiction has caused. I hope that I can offer some guidance and direction.
As the disease of addiction progresses, long before his wife discovers his pornography use, a husband will begin to slowly change into someone who becomes more self-centered, irritable, moody,dishonest and impatient. He will start to isolate from his family, he will devalue his marriage, become critical of his wife’s body and character, become spiritually empty, and have more internal stress. He will become easily bored with things that used to interest him. He will also become more secretive and blaming towards you if things don’t go his way.
It’s no wonder that pornography tears marriages apart. The continued use of explicit materials and breaking the trust of his wife is just one of the symptoms of his addiction. So therin lies the question; As a wife who is wrapped up in her husbands addiction and a victim of his disease what should you do?
1- TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You have been traumatized by what he is doing to you. It is important that you take care of yourself. The fear, anger, and stress that you are feeling will lead to anxiety and depression. Get more sleep, excercise, take a warm bath, stretch, spend time outside, do whatever nurtures you physically. As you take care of yourself you will be able to think more clearly.
2-CONNECT TO OTHERS. Sadly there are plenty of woman going through similar experiences. Continue to connect with them and draw from thier strength for support. Where possible find an S-anon meeting and become involved in a 12-step support group.
3-SET BOUNDARIES. Whatever makes you feel safe emotionally, physically, spiritually, sexually, and socially. Set those boundaries and stick to them. Simplify your life and be willing to say no. As you’re starting out on your own recovery you have plenty on your plate. Don’t overload yourself. Do not do things sexually that you are uncomfortable with. An addict who blames you for his addiction and wants you to do more in the bedroom is just trying to use you to objectify and lust after. This is much different than love and sex between a husband and wife.
4- CONNECT WITH GOD. Who ever or what ever god is to you stay connected. Many woman feel betrayed by god because of the trial that they are going through. Spiritual healing can take time. As you heal spiritually you can come to a peace that whatever happens with your husband you know that things are good between you and God. When you get to that point it is much easier to make difficult decisions Pray, Meditate, Read uplifting material, Go to church, Journal, spend time in nature, whatever it takes to get connected.
5-EDUCATE YOURSELVES. Believe it or not there is quite a bit of literature about the disease of pornography addiction, and co-dependency. The more you know the more prepared you will be to deal with the rigors of recovery. I have a ton of books and websites that you could check out if you want to send me an email [Comment redacted by editor].
I could go on an on with this list but I think starting with those 5 things will help you begin your path to recovery. As a spouse of an addict you need recovery as much as the addict. The things that I listed are short term answers, seek qualified counseling if needed. I hope that these things are helpful.
-Brannon Patrick, LCSW
Hello,
To ALL
I feel that we are all connected in so many ways. i was a virgin when i got married to my husband. I discovered he was having cybersex with other women two years ago. I’ve been married 9 years. I found out because he forgot to close an email that i didn’t even know existed and he was so sexually explicit with them. I felt disgusted. He was my world. We went to a marriage counselor and all he said was that i was boring in sex and it was the same thing every day. He gave me a 5 out 10. We worked things out afterwards and he promised me he wouldn’t do it again but it wasn’t true. I caught him this week trying to find sex buddies over the internet. He said that he was depressed but my trust is over. i love him so much, it hurts when i think he shares his intimate moments with someone else. His profile said that he was looking to have fun and pleasure. He completely broke my heart. I told him it was over and that i was going to divorce him however he managed to convinced me to stay and beg to be forgiven. He said “I don’t know what i would do without you, you mean the world to me…please don’t leave me. I promised i’ll not do it again. He complaints that i’m not sexy at all. He wants to buy me my clothing and dress me as a super sexy. This is because he wants to get turn on by me. However i don’t feel myself wearing short shorts. i feel there’s more to me than slutty clothes. Please advise. I’m not sure what to do. I feel sexy that way i’m…i don’t have to show alot of skin but he points out to me that women that show alot of skin show confidence and security.
I have been reading these posts and it makes me sad but also relieved to know that i am not the only one going through this. I hate the fact that my husband looks at porn. He tries to hide it by deleting history on the computer, etc. but somehow I always end up finding it. Recently, it has gotten worse. We bought new “smart” phones and he has discovered that he can use it for a “quick fix” so to speak. It really hurts that we keep hitting this road block in our marriage. This is really the only problem we have. We have 2 kids and he is a great dad to them and provides the majority of our income. I do work outside the home and he has been wonderful about helping keep the house up, etc. Everytime I confront him about the porn it sparks this huge argument. He says I just don’t understand, which I don’t, and guys are just “wired” differently and he just can’t explain the urge to do it. I thought things were getting better. We had been going to church on a regular basis and we watched the movie “Fireproof” together which he said “opened his eyes”. But then our work schedules changed and church got pushed aside and our lives got more hectic and now I feel like our marriage is falling apart. He doesn’t tell me about his day anymore and sex was not too exciting but at least we were still having it about twice a week. Until I discovered what was on his phone, now, sex is out of the question. The thing is, I knew I would find the porn. My initial reaction was not even anger, just, disappointment. The more I think about it, the more depressed I get. I feel like I am not enough for him. We have even tried some sex ed type movies to spice things up a little but I am so worried that he is thinking about the girl on the screen that I can’t even enjoy myself. I don’t even change clothes in front of him anymore because I am so self consious. When we were still having sex, it was “lights off” so he could’t look at me. How do I get past this? I’m sure he has an addiction but it is so hard to be sympathetic towards someone who has hurt you so much and ruined the image you used to have of yourself.
Dear Amanda
You can’t help him. You can give him support and be there for him when he needs you but he has to seek help on his own. The best thing for him, is that you look out for yourself. You will never be able to change him and getting married is not going to solve anything. Get counselling for yourself, heal yourself and care for yourself and tell him you love him but he needs to make the first move to get help. We offer free and confidential mentoring if you would like to talk to someone for your own personally journey. If you would like a mentor, please fill out this form http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/.
Sincerely,
Leah
I want to leave this free 60-day online program for anyone either struggling with sexual impurity themselves, or struggling with the effects of a spouse who is struggling with it. Those struggling with impurity should take the “Way of Purity” course: [comment redacted by editor, please refer to our Terms of Use but those interested in the course go to the Setting Captives Free website] to check out the course and those struggling with the effects from a spouse being sexually impure should take “A United Front” . These courses will guide you through your struggles for 60-days and open up your eyes to see things clearly. There are also online courses for other addictions such as self-infliction, eating disorders (anorexia/bulimia and overeating), drugs and alcohol, gambling, etc. Please check out this website!!!
Okay… I honestly can’t believe I’m doing this… I’m embarrassed. My fiance and I have been together for about a year and I’ve caught him now this is the 4th girl. back in july it was with girls he knew…being flirty in text messages and emails sending pictures that he also sent to me…etc. now this pass time was just a week ago and it was on his ipod to a site called xchange with a girl that he didnt even know. he was being flirty and sexual with me on his phone sending me pictures and then turned around and was the same with her. then when i got home he was naked and waiting on me to sleep with him which I did. and now I find this out yesterday. I’m tired of feeling like im not pretty or good enough that i’ll never fill his wishes and that everytime I begin to trust him… he ruins it. how am I suppose to enter marriage this way? and its always the same thing… “I messed up, i’m an idiot.” Im sorry I really do love you please forgive me… I’ll do anything I wont hurt you again…yeah I heard all that months ago… now again… how much can my heart take… I feel the pain physically. I have to force myself to eat and all I want to do is cry… and now I’m trying to be even more flirty with him so hopefully it wont temp him to do with someone else….. HELP! How can I help him…
I thought I’d find some relief on the internet to help with the pain of my husbands continued desire of other women. However, I think I’m a bit more depressed and even a little angry yet I still hope someone will respond to this with some magical relief. I can’t be sexual with my husband till he is sincerely sorry, stops the porn and even stops the viewing of girls/cheerleaders with bouncing boobs on youtube. My husband also thinks that it’s normal for men to look at and desire women other than their wives. However, he believes men do have self control as to not act on it. It’s just nature and women need to learn to get over the pain I’m told. My husband tells me at times how lucky he is to have me. He even was the one who suggested counseling before we married and blended our families, 7 years ago. He and I still go to counseling which helps with our blended family but after we’ve proven to do a good job blending the family our therapist wants us to work on the intimacy issue before we stop going. My husband still looks at porn occasionally and he says things that can be very hurtful. I know men can sometimes talk before thinking but the teasing/joking when he’s uncomfortable is making it hard to hold back yelling. He wants me to feel good about myself he says. A woman who has great self confidence is sexy he says and I have very little he says. When I’m told I’m a 6 out of 10 with no makeup or am compared to other women I can’t help but feel it’s all about the superficial with him. And he has admitted he enjoyed calling me arm candy when we 1st married. Yes, I want to look good to him but I can’t ever be as good as his fantasy or airbrushed pictures. Let’s not forget we are ALL going to age. I know I’m attractive on the exterior as well as the intereior but I find it ugly to be cocky as I feel humility is much more attractive. Attractive or not I do not think this is the real issue as we hear and see attractive women getting cheated on all the time. If there are men out there that read this I ask: Can men not help the desire for other women as it is just how god made them? And if this is true why are women being tortured with the pain and how can we stop it?
Thank you Shorty. I did look it up, and unfortunately there is no group in my area. I just told my husband that i wanted him to put a cable jack in the bedroom. This way we could go to bed together and have our alone time, and then he could stay in bed & snuggle with me while I sleep and he watches tv. That could address his problem with me AND my problem with him. He has shared his issue with the pastor, but is too embarrassed to talk to anyone else…trust me, we’ve gone that route. I just keep hoping that it’s just going to stop….
I’m going through the same thing, though we’ve only been married 2 yrs. One thing that has helped me is that I’m going to a women’s support group led by women who have gone through the same thing and are further along the journey. We do not ‘bash’ our husbands; the focus is how to get help and healing for the hurt we’ve been through, and learn healthier ways to interact with our husbands, even if they are not seeking help for their issues. I highly recommend going to a group. You can go to purelifealliance dot org and go to find a group for your state (my group just charges one-time $40 for class material binder and workbook, everything else is free) – sure less than counseling! If your men want to change (ie stop hurting you with inappropriate sexual behavior) but can’t stop even if they try, they will need strong accountability from other men who have battled pornography and other compulsive behaviors in order to fight the temptations. FMO (for men only) and Prodigals are two mens groups I know of. In any case, it is a very hard thing to go through. It is a Long journey, and true change takes time. God bless each one of you precious women.
Thank you so much for responding, Cheri. I read your earlier post, and I am so sorry for your situation. I really think that they don’t know how much that kind of activity hurts us–they think we should just separate ourselves from it because it has nothing to do with us. But it does! We have been to counseling with our pastors, but nothing lasts. I try to “not think about it”, but it’s the association…we’re not “us” anymore, I am one of many…I’m just the one that he loves and is physical with…but he’s actively lusting for them too! It just breaks my heart. He acts like I’m just being frigid, but I’m not allowed to tell him what’s really wrong because he says I’m just “throwing it in his face”. I just think that after being married 20 years–and knowing full well how much it disgusts me–that he would stop. I was even thinking that maybe we could move the spare tv into the bedroom so maybe I could get him to come to bed with me….but he’ll find another excuse for staying up…I’m sure. I’m just so over all of it. I want to tell him, “How would you feel if–for 20 years–I’ve stayed up after you went to bed and looked at hot naked guys on the net”??? There is no WAY he would put up with that…NO ONE should!! ughhh….and that’s not to mention the integrity issue. He will actually talk to me about how he finds the idea of cheating disgusting (co-workers tell him of exploits & flirt). He would never cheat because he is a germaphobe…he is a voyeur, which to me, is just as bad–only there is not another individual involved. He doesn’t want to touch them, just look/watch…then he wants to touch me?!
Bobbi, I can relate so much to all your feelings. I, too, am having a very hard time being intimate again with my husband because I feel those “other women” are with us. He says he is not viewing porn anymore, but I am not sure I believe that. I installed Safeeyes on every computer in the house after I discovered his porn last October, but I know there are ways around this. He also has time at home while I am working and I am not so nigh eve that I don’t think he would/could get another laptop and I would never know about it. People here say to get counseling. We cannot afford counseling now because of his work decline (he is self-employed). I did go to a counselor a couple of times but felt that I was getting nowhere. All the counselor wanted to do was talk about my childhood. My childhood is not the problem here. The problem in our marriage is my husband’s betrayal of my trust in him. Like you, I could not imagine looking lustfully at strangers. I love him and that would be cheating in my eyes. I am so sorry that you are going through this and if you need to vent again, please know you can vent with me anytime. I will be happy to give you my email address if you would like.
Hi. My husband and I are married 20 years–together 23. I found out about his “habit” about a year into the relationship, and was devastated. We were not Christian at the time, I just felt like I was being cheated on. This was before computers, so he went through phases of getting caught, apologizing, and purging. When we accepted Christ, and decided to marry, I thought all of that was behind us. It wasn’t. As you can imagine, it got worse when we got a computer. Currently, he has his own computer, and it is password protected (the only one in the house that is, and we have many). His desk is in a corner, facing out, and he clicks out whenever my son or I walk near. He stays up hours after I do (I go to bed around 11 or 12). He is often home during the day due to the economy, and my day-time commitments have a varying schedule. He is hurt because I haven’t made time to be intimate, which he says is making matters worse with “his problem”. Aside from that issue, he is very sweet and complementary. He is very physical and craves physical affection. I am physically attentive in all ways but intimacy is just not a priority for me. Even when he says that I am beautiful, I can’t accept it because I think of what he is looking at all of the time. I feel like he wants to be intimate with me because it’s acceptable (unlike porn or cheating) so I’m just like a blow-up doll. He was not my first, but he will be my last…I cannot imagine looking lustfully at strangers and then acting it out on my beloved. He swears he doesn’t think of them, but I feel like they are all there in the room…I love him. I don’t want to leave him or anything. I am happy to be intimate with him, but mainly because I know it makes him happy. For me, the physical pleasure is undermined by the negative thoughts that physical intimacy reminds me of.Oh yeah, and he says it’s an excuse that I am holding against him. That “it all ends when you get married”. Well, if he & I were the only ones in bed, I’d be fine–great, even!–but the next night, if it’s not me, it’s them (or sometimes even if it IS me!!) so I have lost my motivation to make it happen. We have very few “windows” of private time each week (Saturday morning & a couple of hours here & there a couple of days a week) so we’re down to about 2x a month…ughhh…Dunno what I’m expecting to hear…just venting, I guess…
oops, sorry about double post. Not sure what happened.
Betty, I am so very sorry. Even though I believe in fighting for a marriage, and hope, I can’t say that I blame you. After all my husband and I have been through, if I discover he is betraying me one more time, I think that will be the “last straw”. I wish you happiness.
Betty, I am so very sorry. Even though I believe in fighting for a marriage, and hope, I can’t say that I blame you. After all my husband and I have been through, if I discover he is betraying me one more time, I think that will be the “last straw”. I wish you happiness. If you need to talk, please email me at [email address redacted]
lol he did it again. I give up, this marriage is over! I guess its best to realize when you need to walk away, and the time has come for me to say, i gave it my all but it wasnt enough. So i’ll cut my losses and walk away, with a broken heart and believe it or not,…with a smile. I thank you for listening, and wish the best to the women out there who are still going through this. Oh by the way i never heard back from Vicky can you please tell her i said bye.
Betty – I’m sorry to hear that you have no seen a response from your mentor. Have you checked your spam folder? Sometimes the mentoring emails get marked as spam because it comes from an unfamiliar website. I checked with our mentoring co-ordinator and she assigned you a new mentor. Because you have already been waiting we have asked your mentor to please contact you today. If you do not hear from her for any reason, please let me know. We handle thousands of mentoring conversations each year and most of them run flawlessly. Occasionally we hit a glitch. Thank you for letting us know so that we have the chance to address it.