Helping Your Husband Battle Pornography
If you’ve discovered that your husband is into pornography, well, you’re not alone. This battle with the pornographic monster is a growing problem across the entire societal grid. With the proliferation of sex sites on the Internet resulting in growing accessibility with total anonymity, the problem is only going to grow. Statistics tell us that 35% of all Internet usage is pornographic, and that as many as 50% of men have serious struggles in this area.
Of course, none of that makes it any easier for you to accept. You will naturally be devastated by the news of your husband’s involvement with pornography. There is a huge sense of betrayal and a breaking down of trust. Whether your spouse has been involved physically with another person, or emotionally and mentally through pornography, the violation feels the same. Your reaction could range from disbelief, to disgust, to anger. You wonder, “How could he do this to me?” You likely have no desire to be with him sexually, and you may want to leave him altogether.
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First steps
The first thing you need to work through is your immediate response. Your strong feelings are both understandable and justified. At the same time, you need to be very careful that your reaction to your husband does not create more problems than you are already facing. You have both a right and a need to express whatever you are feeling, but you need to do it in a way that will not complicate your recovery. Be honest about your hurts, share openly about your disappointment, but realize that lashing out with damning accusations and attacking, harsh words only makes things worse.
Your initial reaction will likely be impacted by the way in which you found out about the issue. It makes a difference whether your husband openly disclosed his struggle to you, or if you had to discover it and thus he got caught. Obviously there is more credibility indicated in a person who is willing to admit it before he is found out. On the other hand, sometimes God forces the discovery to push a person to deal with their porn problem. Regardless of how you found out, the problem has to be dealt with. As long as your spouse is willing to be totally honest about their battle now, you can work together to overcome it.
Sometimes wives say they’d rather not know if their husband has pornography issues. Yet the bottom line is you cannot be close as husband and wife if there is a cloak of secrecy around these personal struggles. True intimacy requires complete honesty. Although there is some real hurt that you are going to have to work through, you need to accept that resolving the issue is still the path to closeness. Many couples have successfully worked through pornographic addictions. It is possible to recover something precious between the two of you!
How much do you need to know?
You need to have complete freedom to ask your spouse the questions you need answered to be settled in your heart. If you are doing it to get more data to become vindictive and bitter, then don’t ask the questions. But if you desire to understand what he has faced, and you intend to forgive him and find peace in your own heart, feel free to ask the questions. Try to do this in a non-judgmental, non-punishing way. Your husband is likely already feeling plenty of guilt; what he needs now is to know that you are still on his side.
Your needs, his needs
As you face this battle together, you and your husband need to be aware of one another’s needs. You can help your husband by sharing openly with him what your needs are at this time.
Your biggest need is likely to rebuild the trust in your relationship. There are no shortcuts to this: it just takes time. Complete transparency is critical on his part, whether it’s about past indiscretions or subsequent failures. Likewise, you need to be totally open about your feelings. Since the emotional aspect is a woman’s highest priority, a reconnection towards friendship and intimacy is paramount. Rebuilding the relationship must happen before you can freely re-engage in the sexual dimension.
Furthermore, with the knowledge of your spouse, it would be wise to have an outside advocate to share your struggles with. This is a private issue that shouldn’t be shared with others, but to have a chosen friend, counselor or someone who has faced this with their husband is critical. They can help you work through your feelings and frustrations, validate your emotions, and coach you through the right course of action.
Lastly, you need a commitment from your husband to work through his battle with pornography and do all that it takes to get the help that he needs. He must get help beyond you; he must break the silence and be accountable, whether to a counselor or another Christian friend. They must ask him the tough questions as he faces his lust battle. It is unwise to have the wife be the accountability person. You have a relationship to build. Let someone else be the one that holds his feet to the fire.
Though you may not feel like meeting your husband’s needs at a time like this, the fact is he does need your help to conquer this addiction. Above all, he needs your unconditional love, as well as your forgiveness. He needs to know that the slate can be wiped clean, and that you won’t hold this against him for years to come. Nothing will strengthen him more to move to freedom than you believing in him and standing with him to fight the battle.
It would be very helpful to understand the complexity of pornography to the male’s psyche. Although some women struggle with sexual addictions (even in seemingly milder forms like romance novels and soap operas), it is predominantly a male issue. Listen to your husband and try hard to understand. Read at least one of these excellent resources: Every Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn, Pure Desire by Ted Roberts, and Men’s Secret Wars by Patrick A. Means.
Finally, while you are working with him to overcome his problem with pornography, realize that your husband will still have sexual needs. After an appropriate but limited period of time, you do need to be willing to re-engage in some sexual activity, as a sign of your love and commitment to him. This will help ensure that your husband isn’t further tempted to go back to pornography as a substitute for healthy marital sexual relationship.
Why the void?
In some cases a man’s problem with pornography is born out of his own issues. Many men started when they were younger and just never tell their wives about it. Yet, in some cases, pornographic involvement is his response to other problems in the marriage. Honestly assess your relationship and determine whether it is healthy and whole. Are his sexual needs being met? Are your sexual encounters as a couple satisfying and frequent? A husband’s pornographic addiction cannot be blamed on the wife, because he still has to make choices himself. However, a husband is also made very vulnerable to temptations when there isn’t regular sexual intimacy in a healthy, secure relationship. So it may be that there is a void that he is looking to fill with pornography because of the struggles of your relationship. You may need to make some adjustments as a couple so that you have a healthy relational balance and good marital sex.
I would urge you to go for help as a couple to make sure that you’re headed in the right direction. This might be the best time for you and your husband to recommit your lives and marriage to the Lord. Conquering the lure of pornography is very difficult, and you will both need to have a surrendered life, asking God to help you through this. Being assured of forgiveness from both God and spouse is a wonderful source of stability for your relationship. I would suggest that you pray together about it and work out your relationship with a God-centred focus.
Many couples have succeeded in overcoming pornography and have found a healthy balance in their marriage again: a marriage that they love being part of. Instead of being the end of your relationship, let this be a doorway to a new level of intimacy that you never thought possible.
So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below the form.
I want to ask about my boyfriend please.
I found out about 10 months ago that he was addicted to pornography.
I was shocked but could not tell him about what I’ve learnt.
But after some months when I felt he was in danger to get more and more addicted.
I revealed it to him, of what I had come to know months back.
He felt ashamed and disgusted, and promised me not to repeat it ever again, but he never kept his promise, though I can understand the reason behind it, as his addiction won’t let him to, but still, I can not ignore it and let him ruin himself like this.
I tried with love , sometimes with anger and showing disappointment.
But he kept lying to me and kept on watching porn.
Then one day I found out more!!!
He used to have sex chat, webcamming, watching vulgar or nude pictures,and even gay sex chats and webcamming (I don’t know if he does all these now but he still addicted to porn and masturbation also I guess..n also watches nude or vulgar pictures etc)
I am really worried.
He about a month ago confessed about his secret activities of watching vulgar pictures etc. n promised never to repeat again.
I was satisfied but time to time kept asking lovingly if he was facing any problem in leaving any of his addiction.
But now I again found out his activity.. Watching porn and explicit movies and nude or vulgar pictures.
I am really worried and hurt.
I just want him to get rid of this addiction. I tell him to tell me whenever he feels like watching such things so I can motivate him not to. But he doesn’t do that. As he maybe feels embarassed to do so.
And not forgetting to mention, we never had any physical contact as our religion does not permit us to.
I even tried to motivate him by sharing religious things about watching vulgarity that how bad is that etc.
But the worst thing is, he doesn’t stop watching all that and keeps lying to me. In such a case, how will I ever be able to help him to get rid of it?
He doesn’t confess until I tell whatever I have found out about him.
I feel like he is not willing to leave his addictions.
And all this hurts me alot and makes me worried about him.
PLEASE HELP ME!!!!
And one more thing to mention is that he is also is addicted to smoking but I guess he doesn’t do it anymore. Thats wat he says.. I can’t say if its true or not!!
P.S. He won’t ever agree to visit a counseller etc.
So please help me and tell me some tips so I can help him out.
Please :’(
@A, Often when a man is addicted to porn it is because they are covering up a deep insecurity need they have which. Watching pron is what helps them forgive their insecurities and failures. It is him which needs to decide if he wished to become free and for him to become free he must first discover what in his life has hurt him as he most likely has a very deep seeded hurt which he has not allowed the Holy Spirit to heal him.
The problem is not the porn as it is a symptom of what the problem is as the real problem is. It is not you as you have put up with it however what I suggest is you seek Christ in earnest to see what action you should take as if you ask Christ he will give you the wisdom through the Holy Spirit. It may require him to attend counseling to see what the root cause as I am sure he wants to stop but he can’t and does not know how to do so. Pray for him and for wisdom for yourself.
Lord Jesus, I ask and pray that you will reveal to this lady what she should do as i am sure it is very frustrating and maddening. Show her the way,
In Jesus Name,
Amen
I think just reading this has been a great help. Thank you all for posting, as I recently discovered this issue and found it really comforting to some of your responses. The pain I feel is unexplainable & in less than a year of being married- it hurts knowing that this is something we are going to have to work through together! Like the pain going away, the trust being rebuilt, overcoming this long addiction my husband has is going to take some time. We all should be praying for each other because we’re not alone…
I can’t believe how wide spread & destructive porn is. My husband has been watching porn since before I met him. In fact his love of porn is so well know (he’s a private guy, but keeps getting bust) his guy friends joke about it. (how embarrassing). So I keep catching him out, he knows I dont like it etc. he even had a religious conviction about it. I thought he had conquered his demons. But I caught him again 2 in one night, I told him he was not welcome in our bed that night, so he came crawling back into bed begging for forgiveness. Not even 24 hours later he is at it again. I honestly dont know what to do. I really do love him, i want to spend my life with him but I am tired of carrying this burden by myself, I’m tied of trying to support him when he lies about it. I thought he really wanted to overcome this, now I think he probably tried to placate me. I no longer trust him. I now he is a pathetic pervert . My heart really is hardening towards him. Honestly I’m tired of being the nagging wife, maybe I should just leave him to it & I will carry on with my life. I really do try to be a good wife & I honestly do enjoy it. But why should I sacrifice my time & effort on this man who cant wait to run to the study to watch porn. I’m desperately trying to not become vengeful. Im so angry & disappointed. Truly we can only help those that want help. But where does that leave me?
Lynn, I am not a counsellor and my first advice to you would be to seek the help of a professional counsellor, but from what you’ve said here it sounds like your husband is displaying classic signs of addiction. He’s lying, he’s quick to promise change but does not actually change, he has a lot of excuses. I completely believe that it’s possible for you guys to be a family but it’s going to take some serious effort. Your husband will need to be on board for the process if this is going to work.
The fact that he hid porn where your daughter could find it is pretty scary. It could mean that his head is so deep into this stuff that he’s not thinking clearly. I do not think that he would ever intentionally put your child at risk, but it seems like his need to view this material is seriously clouding his judgement. It may be that you need to take your daughter out of the house until he can prove that it is a safe place for her, or perhaps he needs to be somewhere else while you scrub the house of everything. Either way it’s not an easy step but if you are both committed to getting him healthy then I do believe that you can do the work to keep your family.
I know that this is incredibly scary but it’s not something that is going to go away if you stop paying attention to it. Get help. See a counsellor alone first if he’s not ready to come with you. A counsellor or a pastor can help you figure out how to talk to him in a way that he understands what is at risk. The counsellor can probably also help you understand why it’s happening. It sounds like it started long before he met you. If you’d like to talk to someone privately, we have mentors available. We’re also happy to pray for you.
I don’t know if you have a faith background or not, but I believe that prayer is powerful and you’re in a serious situation so I’m going to pray for you right now. This is what I prayed:
Dear God, I pray for Lynn, for her husband and her daughter. She must be so scared and hurt and sad right now. I pray that you would give her the strength to fight for her family. I believe that you can help, that you can fix this and they can have many many happy years together ahead. But it’s a hard road and they are going to need your help. I pray for her husband for the shame and guilt that must make it so hard for him to admit that there is a problem. Help him to see how much Lynn loves him and how much she wants them to be a family. Help him to accept the help he’s going to need to make a big change in his life. Help him to see that if this is left unchecked the addiction will overtake his family. Give him clarity to see that this is not a casual thing and Lynn is NOT bending it out of proportion. Help him to believe that he can change, that this thing that has such a grip on his life doesn’t have to have control any more. I pray for peace and the resolve to do this together to fight this thing and come out stronger. Be with them today, even in this moment right now. Show them the next step to take. In your name I pray, Amen.
Can someone please help me? I am a 27 year old wife and stay at home mother.My husband and I have been together for 7 years and Married for less than one. Before we were married I would find random dvd’s hidden in strange places in the house. Once with my best friends 51 year old mother standing beside me. When Confronted with them My husband told me they were his fathers, and I believed him. His dad we (the family)all know has a SERIOUS issue with porn and he had recently visited. A few months later I went through our desktop looking for a Zipped Tax File and I couldn’t remember the name so I went through all of them trying to find it. It was the next to the last one in a file of compressed files. I found over 89-90 compressed files with hundreds of porno’s. I was HORRIFIED at some of the things that I saw, I couldn’t stop watching and all I could think was oh my god, is this what he likes? All of these women look nothing like me. They literally look like girls that our friend dates, thin, beautiful and doing all the things he knows I can’t bring myself to do in bed. I’ve tried. Some were mothers being picked up from nail appts. I mean really jacked up stuff. When I asked him about this in tears completely stunned no screaming involved just vulerable defeat I begged him to please talk to me about this he again said these things were his dads. He dialed the phone and had me speak to him and his father said they were all his. We deleted everything and I thought it was over. He knew if I found anything else I would leave him
Fast forward to after our wedding and the birth of our daughter who is now able to dig into dvd cases and work the play station as a toddler. I log onto the Play Station Web Browser while my sister was visiting to look for a game to play online she likes the pop laps. I couldn’t remember the page so I checked the history. BAM the mother load. He knew I had been cleaning the computers so he went to the game system. There were things on the history that made my physically start shaking and feel dizzy and sick. HE admitted that these were his and the ones that were that bad were pop ups that lead to other places that freaked even him out. I followed through and I visited relatives. After a week our daughter was asking for her dah. So we came home. Everything had been cleaned out. The house was once again free of porn.
To three days ago. Our daughter was pulling all of the DVD’S off of the shelf again so after I put her down for her nap I tried fishing her favorite out of the pile for later checked the case and it wasn’t there. I shook a few cases as I checked them for the dvd I needed and put them away. Some of them sounded loose so I opened the cases to fix them. Inside of several old DVD’S that we haven’t seen together in years were DVD’S of young early 20′s girls. I freaked. These are down right where our daughter could get to them. He came home from work snapped them in half and told me those were his from high school and he was keeping them for nostalgic purposes. He put them into the trash.
Last night he comes home from one of the longest days of work he has had in a while falls asleep on the sofa and I beg him to shower so he’ll feel better and he does. While he is in there he shaves himself and comes out to show me. I laugh and tell him he needs to get some sleep our daughter wakes up and I go grab her when I come back he is playing an online game with friends and I don’t think anything else of it. I just close the door so he doesn’t wake up our daughter. I come back about 4am and was planning on giving him a kiss and getting him to come to bed. I walked in on him….. Watching the same things we had fought over for so long. I didn’t say a word. I just put on some decent clothes and went to walk around Walmart for a while stunned. Part of me wants to leave but we have our daughter and a new marriage. I feel like he is cheating on me, he isn’t honest with me about this. I feel that he never will be, and I have begged and pleaded with him to talk to me. Every time I am crystal clear about why it hurts me and bothers me and that I need to understand why this is happening. He keeps telling me that he understands but I know in my heart he doesn’t. I love this man please help me.
Hi Michelle, that must be a terribly difficult thing to be married to someone that you can trust. It sounds like he is really torn between his love for you & your daughters, and his compulsion to look at pornography. When a person is in his position it can be very hard to admit that there is a problem and until he is able to recognize that it is a problem it will be very hard to make any change. I would say that your energy would be well spent helping him to recognize that his compulsion to look at pornography is destructive to himself, his marriage and his family. Some sites he could look at are http://powertochange.com/students/sexandlove/porn, http://www.marriagemissions.com/the-dangers-and-disappointments-of-pornography, http://www.marriagetoday.com/the-dangers-of-pornography-in-marriage, http://www.sexhelp.com/am-i-a-sex-addict/sex-addiction-test.
I want you to know that Jesus can make a difference in your husband’s life and He can also make a difference in your ability to respond to your husband. Jesus invited, “Come to me all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest for your souls.” Not only will Jesus help you to know how to best respond to your husband’s problem but He will also give you peace in the middle of the hurt. I don’t know what you know about who Jesus is but let me invite you to talk with one of our online mentors who can help you find out how Jesus can make a difference in your life. You will find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor.
I am about to end a 9year marriage due to my husbands pornography addiction. Last year I noticed the sites on his computer’s history. I asked him about it and he yelled and cursed me out. That encounter ended with the police taking him to jail that night. By the time the court date came up I asked for the charges to be dropped.
A month ago he visited sites on his cell phone. I found them in his phone’s history and asked him about it. I also asked him if he desired someone else. He told me no. I then let him know how this was making me feel and that I needed him to stop. He said he would.
This past weekend in his cell phone history are more porn sites. I know they are new because I deleted the past history. He said I don’t know what I am talking about, I’m stupid, and it wasn’t him. He stormed out the bedroom still yelling and cursing at me so loud that he woke up all four of our daughters. The next day I asked him again about the sites he then tells me he doesn’t know why he looks at them. This is upsetting me because he lied and made me seem like I was crazy. I told him that it is now becoming a trust issue for me because I don’t know if/when he is lying. I told him this is really hurting me and I can’t live like this. I asked him if he was willing get help. He says, “No, I don’t have a problem.” I am sadden that he doesn’t think it’s a disgusting problem and that he is willing to throw away all we had for porn. No response from him. I am so hurt and I don’t know why to do.
Sorry Lynda, I must have misunderstood your story. I think counselling is a great idea. The way to make the most out of counselling is to go in seeking to find out what you can do differently to impact the health of your marriage. When couples embark on counselling with the mindset, “Now he/she is going to find out how messed up he/she really is and how lucky he/she is I am still around!” it rarely goes well. A good counsellor can try to help turn that around but you will really surprise your counsellor if you start off by saying, “I know our marriage is not as strong as it could be and I am hoping you can help me discover how I can change to move us toward health.”
The reason I say that is because neither you nor your counsellor can change your husband. All you can do is create an environment that promotes change. If both you and your husband go into counselling with that attitude there is great hope for things to turn around.
Lord God I pray for Lynda and her husband. I ask that You would help them find a quality counsellor that will be able to help guide them toward a healthier marriage. I ask that her husband will be open to making changes that will further guard him from the destructive attraction of pornography. I ask that You would heal their love and draw them back to where they are united as You intend them to be. Amen.
Jamie, Why would I need more evidence? Is there a magical number for how many times a man looks that determines if he has a problem with it or not? The last time I found an image on the computer was not the first time so when is it going to end? How many times does he have to look before he should admit something? Daily? Because it’s ‘normal’ for a man to give in to those urges? If he didn’t have a problem it would stop, things would change. I think that is wonderful that in your marriage you talk about issues and are honest with each other even when it is hurtful…that does not happen in mine. Thanks for the wake-up call; I’ll be seeking some serious counselling.
Jo I am so sorry that you are going through this emotional separation from your husband. When individuals in a couple feel like they can’t be honest with each other and have to try to ignore strong emotions it creates a divide that is hard to bridge the longer it is left to grow. If a couple moves from working together as a team on the issues that they face to becoming opponents struggling against each other the long-term health of their marriage is always compromised. That’s when husbands start seeing their wife as nagging and wives see husbands as unloving.
I know in my marriage there are all kinds of forces that try to get us to become opponents rather than team mates. We have to always be on guard that we don’t allow that shift to happen. What turns it around is when we sit down face to face and remind each other of our commitment to love and honour each other. We talk about what are the issues that are moving us away from our commitment to “the team”. We brainstorm how to address the issues so that we know we are working together rather than trying to get our own way. We commit to being honest with each other even when it that honesty is hurtful. We commit to believing the best of one another and trusting that no matter what we have each other’s best interest in mind.
And we pray together. We ask God for help fighting against the forces that are trying to tear us apart and that He would bind our hearts together in unity that can only come from Him. We ask for insight into His solution for our issue. We ask that our self-centeredness be broken down and that the selflessness that Jesus modeled would be a characteristic of our lives.
Now we don’t always get it right and there have been points when we have been on opposite sides. But we are witness to the truth that God can break down those walls between us and turn our selfishness into self-sacrificing love. It is wonderful to see Him do that.
I am sure He can do that for you as well Jo. Why don’t you talk to one of our online mentors who can help you discover how to make that a reality in your marriage. You will find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor
You are right Lynda, being able to recognize that there is a problem is a crucial part of repentance. So you have discerned that he is is still looking at porn? Have you found some more recent evidence? I thought in your previous message you were trying to figure out if his anger was his guilty conscience or not. In this last message it sounds like you have made up your mind of his guilt. Has there been something that has happened that has confirmed that for you?
Jamie: Thank you for your sound advice on steps couples can take to help each other understand and heal from lust. Unfortunately, my H will not admit that he has a struggle that he cannot handle on his own and isn’t that the first step towards help and healing?, admitting you have a problem…
Jo, I completely relate to everything your saying. When I try and discuss my feelings and insecurities he says it is all about my trust issues again. Granted, when forced into a corner (I left) he will look at his part of the problems in the relationship. ( I left for a couple months for several reasons; we were engaged but not married and that wasn’t the way God intended, he was continuously “checking out” other women, the whole up, down and boob look, I was trying hard to look my sexiest best but it was never good enough, he works out of town half the time, which is a difficult situation for even the most secure couples, but I couldn’t deal any longer with the secrecy of his life up there…) Of course every action was justified and minimized. This completely eroded my self-esteem and now after trying for several months to get it back, we are in the same place we were before. He says women are so insecure, well when men have attitudes like that, it is no wonder. I don’t know what happened to the man who said he” wants to be the kind of husband God intended him to be, to love me as the precious child of God that I am”. I guess that’s why I am still here, because I believed his words…
I “caught” my H using online porn over 2 years ago. H says he has not used porn of any kind since then. I do not believe him. My “Sixth Sense” as his wive of over 35 years tells me that he is not being honest & open with me about his struggle. Therefore, when I tell him that I feel insecure in our marriage, it makes him angry. He wants me to keep my “negative feelings/comments” to myself… He demonstrates “righteous indignation” toward me. In his mind, he is now the “victim” because I “nag” him! Therefore, I am forced to stuff my insecurities, sadness, bewilderment, confusion & pain… This is taking a toll on me emotionally, physically & spiritually… I look forward to you kind reply… Jo
Lynda, no one can answer that question for you because even though there are generalities that can be helpful, every couple’s experience is different and requires a specific answer for them. On one hand your husband’s anger could be a guilty conscience lashing out or it could be a husband who feels like he has been trying so hard to get control of this area and yet he feels like his wife is never going to trust him.
The worst enemy of any marriage is a lack of trust that ends up turning husbands and wives into emotional enemies rather than team. This issue is a great place to turn that around. First of all, remember that God is the one who initiated marriages and He wants to see your marriage flourish. Coming together in prayer with your husband can help you both rely on God’s help to unify your hearts.
Secondly, communication is a crucial part of building trust and helping to reframe each issue for teamwork rather than a battlefield. Communicate with the intent to understand and be understood. You want to know what is going on in your husband’s heart and mind so that you can help him become all God has intended him to be. And in order for your husband to be able to serve you, he needs to know your thoughts and feelings. Clarify with each other what you think the other is saying and don’t settle for anything less.
Thirdly, define how your husband sees you helping him battle the hold pornography has had on his life. Define for your husband how he can help you trust him. Both of you are going to sacrifice in order to be a help and be helped, but you must be able to commit fully to the prescribed plan or you will find yourself resenting each other or manipulating each other.
Fourthly, regularly affirm one another’s efforts and acts of love. Celebrate together how you have functioned as a team and be willing to admit and forgive when you have moved into enemy camps. Be ready to adjust your plan of action as the need arises. Relationships are dynamic things and do not remain static.
Finally, trust in God’s help. Pray for each other, pray with each other. Look to examples from the Bible of how you can better serve and love each other. Allow God to be a third participant in your marriage to bring a strength and unity that goes beyond anything that two humans could produce.
Lord God, I do pray for Lynda and her husband. Build back their love and oneness Lord. Their trust of each other has been eroded and they need your help to build that back. Bring purity and humility to them both that sacrifices for the well-being of their love. Clear the communication lines from all the things that create misunderstanding and hurt. Give them insight into the souls of each other and break down the self-centeredness that can so easily divide. Amen.
I knew before I married my husband he had issues with porn in the past. Said it started at a young age, his ex-wife accused him all the time but does not admit to an addiction, thinks he can handle it. God convicted him several months ago of his ‘checking out’ other women and what it was doing to me and us. (I had actually left the relationship when that happened).He was very remorseful and asked for forgiveness many times, which I have. We have grwon a lot and have experienced an intimacy like never before. However, not long ago I found an image on the computer, I felt absolutely sick, and when I showed him, told him I was scared and what was this he said he had been looking on the web for music, clicked on it but realized that he shouldn’t have and closed it right away. Says he wants to be accountable to me and if I find anything he will be honest and tell me. I said being accountable means he will tell me BEFORE I find it and openly share his struggles with me. This brings us to today. He is very computer savvy, spends lots of time of computers and his phone. He just bought a new Ipad and was on it. I leaned over to see what he was doing and he laughed that I was probably thinking ‘oh great, more searching for another app, another game..’ I said actually I am very uncomfortable with your time on the computer, maybe we could put a block on it so things don’t come up. He instantly became angry. Shoved the computer at me and said go ahead, there’s no point me putting one on, I can surpass it. He said it’s all about me and my trust issues. He just wishes I would trust him already. I’m sorry this is so long but could someone tell me if I am being unreasonable, if I’m asking too much. Should I be worried? Is there a red flag that goes up because of his anger? He doesn’t want to hear how all this has affected me and that I will be by his side to work through things. I am VERY forgiving and understand this can’t be easy but how do I know if he actually has things under control and I should just trust him? Am I looking for him to admit something, do I need him to acknowledge that he has a problem or am I the one with the problem? Thank you so much for reading this. I have appreciated everyone’s openness and honesty in what you have been commenting on so far. It is really helpful to read all your comments and know other people struggle with these things as well.
Wow,…..Marcus….. you might be the first person I’ve read from here that I don’t need to add anything……I’m at last speechless. Well said my friend. So there IS hope out there that ALL mankind has not gone to the dogs for good. That makes me smile inside…. for a little bit… then my trauma sinks me back into a bottomless pit of “What If’s”… good thing our futures are mostly unpredictable anyhow right? Thank you for your words……. it was a good thing :-)
response tp candace and some insight to all who might be wondering. When i finally started recovery i became very aware of the issues regarding the addiction and why so many fall prey to it. you are absolutley right candace. For most addicts..if not all WE have a release of highly addictive endorphins that cause a “rush”…very much the same as most any drug addict. Its becomes like a heroine addiction, or any other chemical addiction out there. the brain becomes quite literally glued to pornography. Its what gives the rush…so…your brain becomes trained to get a rush from porn and not your wife, or husband. Breaking that bond with porn becomes very hard. I remember when i finally made a desicion to quit i was quite literally scared. Almost like i didn’t want to let it go! it became so relevant in my life that i had become dependant on it. terribly dependant on pornography! how bad is that?? and In my opinion what makes it so hard to quit is the fact that pornography is EVERYWHERE…the DRUG is free for everyone!! in some form or another. Readily available for anyone with an internet connection. And parents and wives…dont kid yourselves! Thinking you have an internet filter will not keep your teenager or husband away from it, I was so good at hiding it i could have gone on forever. but GOD had his time with me. And I’m happy he did.
The other major problem is the fact that we get so de-sensitized to visual stimulation it begins to take more and more to get the same rush as when we first became addicted. Most addicts….if not all…especially ones who have been highly addicted like myself for so long have seen things that they will never want to re-live or talk about with anyone. The feeling of incredible shame becomes so great that we can hardly live with our selves and find it hard to cope with every aspect of our lives. and every area is affected in a negative way. Group recovery in some form air another is so vital. The fact that we can open up about what we have done…to release that pressure takes so much power of the enemy away.
Spending time in GOD’s word, prayer and working on an intimate relationship with him is also (in my opinion) the only way to try freedom. temporary freedom is available to everyone who wants in. But true freedom and healing i believe is only available to the one that really want it for THEMSELVES and are serious about a relationship with GOD.
I have a long way to go…but i do not want to walk that road again! life without the demons is so much sweeter. even if it takes 20 years to regain what has been lost. My god, my wife and my children deserve that! I deserve that.
Take care to all, god bless. feel free to contact me by email if you so desire [it is our policy not to publish personal contact information]
Thank you Alfred. I commend your courage to stand corrected.
I’m noticing questions being repeated here regarding “Why does my husband want porn?” This worries me greatly. Haven’t you looked up this question online? Why not? This answer is all over the web. Literally. There is a very specific scientific explanation why men (women) do this. Your brain comes with its own set of “feel good” drugs God surely intended us to have to feel happy and satisfied. Dopamine being the biggest part of this and can become a big problem. You MUST read about what porn does to the brain. This will help you excuse some of what is happening to your husband. It will help you forgive him.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKDFsLi2oBk
that is a link to part one… there are 5 total. Look for the rest on Youtube. I will let that speak for itself.
Please, I cannot urge you enough to give the internet a try on what a man’s brain is going through regarding this issue. This world WILL come to a head on this topic. It’s a new problem thanks to the internet blowing free porn out there the way it is, and everyone telling men this is normal for him and go for it. This problem is going to get much worse before it gets better. The studies are under way but it takes time to get enough results and info out there…. and it’s embarrassing to talk about, so it will remain swept under for a while. The fastest way I think to get awareness out there is to stop being embarrassed to talk about it. Our sons and daughters need to be taught to stay clear of this. How do you do that without talking about it? Trust me, I have older sons. I had to talk to them about this from a very young age, (10 yrs. old) It was NOT comfortable for anyone….but it needed to be addressed. My older son (21) has just recently come to me to explain his thanks for teaching him respect for women, not objectifying women, and to stay away from all forms of pornography for love and health reasons. My eyes welted with tears as a gleaming smile burst from my face. If our husbands had this guidance, they may have resisted porn, avoided addiction, and a lifetime of fighting sexually explicit images from entering their minds several times a day. Pay attention to what your eyes see… sometimes it’s better to shut them…..and not look.
To the wives of HC and Matthew, I give a big apology for saying what I so selfishly did on January 30th. That also goes for Candace, who I owe another word of thanks for saying in a gentle way how far off track I was. When, on February 10th I said that it is probably good I gave a selfish word, I meant that very likely some man will be able to relate to that and then CHANGE AS I JUST DID. I think that I understand anew the depth of sexual intimacy as being far more than an orgasm. It is a giving of each other to one-another in a feeling of love and commitment that is far deeper than these little words can explain. It is a sharing of oneself with a feeling for the other that truly makes them ONE. Healing to each one of you!
Thank you again, Alfred (or was that Arnold?)
Thank you, Candace; I was so wrong!!! Yet maybe it is good I said it that way, for I revealed man’s selfish perspective. Addictions, like pornography and masturbation are also just like that, a very destructive habit that needs to be gotten rid of. Having my thinking straightened out (I hope), I’m now able to say that a man who really loves his wife will help her to heal. He will ask God for wisdom and strength every hour, to be the husband that he’s been called to be. But how can he put selfish addictions behind him? I was reading in “Your Thoughts can change Your Life” by Donald Curtis, that “the harder a person tries to change an old habit pattern the worse it is, for the harder he fights his lower nature the stronger it gets. But we must dissolve it somehow. Jesus said, “Resist not evil, but overcome evil with good.”” Now I ask, does that mean replacing the addictions with something positive? – most likely. I need to place my wife’s needs ahead of mine, and treat her with love & consideration. Then my joy is in seeing her heal & blossom! I think I feel good at having said that, and hope it helps someone.
Marcus, you are to be commended! Thank you for sharing those experiences. I’ve heard that “Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional”. What a joy there is in changing to the extent that our lives are more useful to others. Only God can help a man to become a blessing to his family.
Peace and Joy, Alfred.
in Response to Karen… I am a recovering sex addict of approx 13 years. the last 5 were the worst. i have been sober almost 6 months. i am married to the most beautiful, tenacious and forgiving wife i could have asked for. I believe that the answer to your ? may be different depending who you are asking and what they believe. you asked why porn?? what is it about it that makes it so enticing to a man….and some woman. For myself (and i believe for most men and women) it WAS and probably is something that filled a void in my life very early in my youth. A void that should have been filled by other people and situations. Mine i believe was many reasons…from the absence of my father to sexual abuse as a kid. but everyone has a void in their souls that needs to be filled…many…if not most fill it with something that will not suffice. weather drugs or alcohol, or work or sex through porn or physical relationships. once you start to fill that void with something
that “feels good” even temporarily…its becomes habit then eventually addiction. Some are harder to quit than others…some are more destructive than others. I believe that porn and sex addiction is the hardest to quit and the most destructive. Especially emotionally!! I have been addicted to many things….alchohol, drugs such as crack, coke, meth, marijuana, cigarettes and sex. All i have been able to get over with much less effort than one might expect. Except my sexual addiction. giving it up was without a doubt the hardest thing i have ever done. If not for the strength i have found through GOD and his word and the forgiveness and support of my wife i would still be where i was not long ago. The voila that i spoke of earlier is designed to be filled by a relationship and the love of GOD. weather you believe it or not, We are all designed that way. Like i said before…i have only been sober 6 months….but i will never go back to the way my life was before. I have an a
mazing wife who i have put through hell…several times. and 2 amazing kids that deserve a father that i know i can be. For all the men who read this….there is freedom…and freedom is sweet, i see everyday how my past actions have affected my life. Especially my wife and my marriage, but i also see how things are slowly becoming what i know they can be. Good luck and stay strong.
Karen~
I have to give you a shout out :) Your post was nourishing to my soul. It was so encouraging to hear about the progress you have made with your husband amidst emotional turmoil. The feelings you are having are affirmed. Everyday since something has elicited those thoughts “He can still relapse, he’ll become better at hiding it, your going to stay, have more babies with him only to find out in a couple of years that he still has this addiction” but I have to find my strength and understand those are not from the Lord. I have to redirect my thoughts as difficult as it is. At times I want him to know that I still feel this way, but I know it will only serve more hurt. I’ve forgiven him and I’m accountable to not hold it above his head. This isn’t to say I haven’t broken down a few time because it’s happened. We are human. We are broken. BUT, We are saved by grace. What a wonderful demonstration of God’s grace for a wife to show to her husband that even through the pain, disappointments and hurt that she will walk with him to healing. It has truly put into perspective the abounding mercy God has for his children.
My husband also has the following answer when asked “why porn?”. From the suggestions listed on comments I assumed it was stress related, sex related, relationally related, my attractiveness or pregnancy. When asked he has said it has nothing to do with any of those. The only thing he has said that is was a bad decision. He was bored and didn’t think about the effects it would have on our family. It’s hard to wrap my female mind around this because it’s the complete opposite of how I handle decisions in my life.
This is for the men but women feel free to put in your two cents!! Men, I’ve asked my husband this and he can’t really give me a reason..just says he doesn’t know….but my question is: What is it about porn?? Why do you watch it? Even though some of you admit to having a beautiful wife at home who will give you sex as much as you wanted…why always go back to the porn? Would love to hear your thoughts…just trying to understand. Women, would love to know what your partner gave as a reason(s)…thanks!
Arthur* Alfred. Auto correct lol
“When a sexual need is crying to be met”
ARTHUR…. a man needs to learn control and patience. If he was disciplined in that in the first place a couple wouldn’t be struggling with porn in the first place. And like the one guy said below … after years of being rehabilitated and said wife still doesn’t want her husband for sex? She needs counseling and fast. The pregnant women here haven’t experienced repeat offenders yet. I hope their husbands have truly stopped but most don’t. They learn to hide better. But God digs out lies and exposes them… leaving wife to distrust over and over catching him until she shuts down sexually. Yes Arthur… at that severe level wife needs therapy not hounded for sex from a man that keeps hurting her. You haven’t known the extremes
Alfred,
I’m sorry to differ with you. But you are pretty much dead wrong with your advice to give up sex before a woman is ready. You should read more about that before you tell us women what we should do. No woman should give sex unless she is emotionally ready. Whether its hurt… distrust…or spite…women need to heal first from what their husbands have done to the relationship. Giving up sex when you don’t really want to is borderline raped. He is the one that took his wife where she is without asking her already. He put his needs first with getting into porn in the first place. He merely needs to learn control and to wait for his satisfaction. If he truly loves his wife he will do it right. No good man pushes for sex when his wife is still broken from lies and emotional cheating to the point where she doesn’t even want to show her body. Much less still be feeling she is sharing her husband with another woman still. All the articles I have read tell the man to stop ALL sex until he’s reprogrammed to his wife. Cleared all images from his mind so he can focus on only his wife. His wife will know… see and feel when he’s done this. He changes. Then she will open back up for sex. Telling women to give him what HE NEEDS before he’s rehabilitated is dead wrong and massively selfish. That thinking is how the problem started in the first place. Educate yourself and be careful what you put here for words. Real hurting women need good advice.
HC and Matthew, your wives need to read what Karen and Emily have done!!! Though difficult, these women have helped their husbands to conquer the porn-monster. Now their marriages are the richer for it! You and your mate are ONE, and by alienating him, you punish yourself also and increase the problem, —while the devil is laughing. Dr. D. Currie in his article states “he does need your help to conquer this addiction. Above all, he needs your unconditional love, as well as your forgiveness. He needs to know that the slate can be wiped clean, and that you won’t hold this against him for years to come. Nothing will strengthen him more to move to freedom than you believing in him and standing with him to fight the battle.”
I know, you have good reason to be shocked, feel hurt and rejected. How much farther do you want to push him away? When a sexual need is crying to be met, then please help him by meeting that need! With or without counseling, your man must know that you are truly helping him fight that monster.
When I told my wife that I used to masturbate (as a teenager) she bluntly said that she didn’t believe it was that bad. Now, that was the best word for me, and I believe we have supported each other more because of it. When couples can, with God’s help, weather a storm together they both grow in many ways.
I want to refer you to a Bible study for married couples. “2=1 – The Combined Ministries of Nova Shalom and Marriage Ministries International”. It is interdenominational, and is taught twice / year. Find it on a website and look for a class near you. Let the Holy Spirit give your marriage a “Spiritual tune-up”. We took it 3 times, and were in a position to teach it when we moved to another province and work commitments kept us from doing that. (My wife later said she went in kicking & screaming, but came out blessed). I think God had us take the course “just because we needed it”.
Dear Lord our God, I thank You for helping each couple to reach out to one-another, to be forgiving, to build relationships at home, and then to praise You for the restoration! YOU, Lord, are the healer of all ills, You are our councilor and comforter. We were never told that it would be easy, but that You are here with us when it hurts. Lift us up and bless each home, and each marriage May there be love and peace and eventually JOY. Thanking You, we pray in Jesus name. Amen.
BECOMING FREE FROM PORN (POISON)
Their are many reasons why a man gets involved with porn as in today’s society we live in a hyper sexual environment. I personally believe that the issue often has nothing to do with how a woman looks however it is important that man and woman both take good care of themselves.
Porn for a man is often is not about the rejection of the spouse but it is the symptom of an extreme deep hurt that has occurred in either a mans or woman’s life. Not in all cases but very often men who are heavily involved in porn is because the images they see gives them temporary relief and by masturbating gives the man a false sense of healing. It does not matter if you have sex with your wife three or four times a day they will still crave it because they are trying to find healing. One of the misconceptions that many couples have is if we move in together then the porn habit will cease in fact often it will increase as the healing that you feel would occur is not enough because their is no commitment and it is a physical arrangement that often ends in disaster.
You can attend many sexual addiction therapists sessions however this will never free you as often they deal with the symptoms and not the root cause. Like chopping of a weed at the top and saying that solves the problem only to discover a week later when an image appears that you dive back into the cesspool of fake love that destroys the soul. Many are most likely saying to yourself if seeing a therapist does not bring complete healing than what does as a therapist can only take it so far until the one important aspect is dealt with.
First discover what the root cause is as it might be something that happened years ago and was never dealt with. Their are a number of methods to find out first ask Christ to show you what the reason is and seek a Christian counselor to help you discover what the reason is as they will help open your eyes. Then commit that aspect to Christ and he will heal you so the desire to self medicated yourself with porn reduces. You may say to yourself well I have never accepted Christ then very simple ask Christ to forgive you of your sins and to enter your heart then you will have the power of the Holy Spirit for you to become free as most secular sex therapists will not teach you this.
This is the first step for freedom as accepting Christ, seeking a Christ to find out why you are doing this and if necessary see a Christian psychologist. The reason this step is important is it will pull out the root cause however with out the second phase the root will reattach itself again and this is found in Romans 8: 1 -12:
1 So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. 2 And because you belong to him, the power[a] of the life-giving Spirit has freed you[b] from the power of sin that leads to death. 3 The law of Moses was unable to save us because of the weakness of our sinful nature.[c] So God did what the law could not do. He sent his own Son in a body like the bodies we sinners have. And in that body God declared an end to sin’s control over us by giving his Son as a sacrifice for our sins. 4 He did this so that the just requirement of the law would be fully satisfied for us, who no longer follow our sinful nature but instead follow the Spirit.
5 Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit. 6 So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace. 7 For the sinful nature is always hostile to God. It never did obey God’s laws, and it never will. 8 That’s why those who are still under the control of their sinful nature can never please God.
9 But you are not controlled by your sinful nature. You are controlled by the Spirit if you have the Spirit of God living in you. (And remember that those who do not have the Spirit of Christ living in them do not belong to him at all.) 10 And Christ lives within you, so even though your body will die because of sin, the Spirit gives you life[d] because you have been made right with God. 11 The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead, he will give life to your mortal bodies by this same Spirit living within you.
12 Therefore, dear brothers and sisters,[e] you have no obligation to do what your sinful nature urges you to do. 13 For if you live by its dictates, you will die. But if through the power of the Spirit you put to death the deeds of your sinful nature,[f] you will live. 14 For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children[g] of God.
The third step is memorizing scripture verses as your mind will begin to dwell on the word of God and begin to heal. You will become free as you can read the Bible often but if you don’t have the word of God in your mind then it is very difficult to resist temptation and the cycle will start all over again.
Lastly get rid of all the devices for temptation if your looking at porn on your phone then leave it turned off when you are alone, if it it internet then leave your computer turned off at home or use it with others in the room. Find someone other than your wife to be accountable to as she will fill rejected by you when you when it is not her you are rejecting but yourself. Contact a church as the problem with porn is in churches as well and they should have someone you could be accountable too and if one church does not try a different church till you find someone. I hope you had the persistence to read the whole post as I normally do not post this long but it is an important topic that is often misunderstood as their is freedom.
@Emily, Girl if I could give you a big hug I would. Congrats on your pregnancy…we are about to embark on a life changing journey and I know that our recent discoveries regarding our husbands has only made the future more scary. It has been 9 days since I discovered porn on his cellphone. My husband has made amazing strides. We’ve made love 3 times (still alittle hard for me but denying him will only reinforce turning to porn).3 times is a lot for us because typically we would have sex 3 times over a 3 month time span! My husband never hoards his phone anymore, we talk incessantly, and he’s been very attentive. I’m not delusional…this behavior isn’t something he can maintain from now on and I don’t expect that. I want things to be real. I know he’s scared of losing me, etc. My heart says this is the best thing that’s happened to us because its been an eye opener for issues we didn’t face and now we have the opportunity to heal and regain new intimacy in our marriage. My head still says: “He can still relapse, he’ll become better at hiding it, your going to stay, have more babies with him only to find out in a couple of years that he still has this addiction” I worry about what is going to happen when he’s tired of looking at me? When I have that “drab” tired mommy look. I have hated being pregnant around him since I found the porn because it only makes me more insecure about my body. This past week I’ve gotten my hair trimmed, eyebrows waxed, worn my hair like he likes it, etc. Just trying to look good for my spouse. But I know I can’t maintain that ALL the time either. There will be days when I’m covered in spilled milk, baby throw-up, legs unshaven, hair up. But that’s life. I’m not going to compete with the dirty girls of the internet. Like someone else commented, “I am a beautiful woman, not a whore”. Emily, I just want to feel safe and secure again as I know you do. One day at a time is all I do. I love him so much. Keep in touch and best of luck to you.
Sorry HC forgot to come back round to what the birth meant….. my husband saw the functionality of what a vagina is ALSO for and coz of his porn use, and what he saw women for from using porn… told me just how messed up a mans mind can get from objectifying women. Men view women as a pair of boobs and a vagina made just for them. Entitled to them. Wrong. Wrong. When a man belittles us down to that there is a respect issue that goes deep inside our hearts. You will not touch me if I don’t feel im respected. If you’ve gone there lots of times? Even worse of course. We don’t trust your intentions. Nor does it feel you are deserving. Its spite. We need help getting over it. And nothing from you to remind us where we’ve been. You can’t remind her. Some looks… actions… feeling around for your chance to get sex again will shut her down. Its a defence developed from hurting. Therapy is all she can do to see you differently and you’ll have to wait for her sexuality to return to you. Pushing her is counterproductive. Convince her to get someone to talk to that knows about this. To paint a better picture of you than what she sees if you now.
HC
You have come a long way. Alot farther than my bf has. I just finally left him today after years of what I consider sexual and emotional abuse. The things you have said you did… touching her when she’s asleep… been there…with my first husband… hated it. It was sick he couldn’t watch me sleep without going there. He was looking at porn mags regularly before me.. I found out after I moved in with him… told him that will NEVER work for me. If im not the object if your desire or im not all you need tell me now. He agreed. It was out if site out of mind only. We married a year later… had our first child… and he witnessed the birth… wouldn’t touch me for months after that. He was grossed out by what he saw. It took time but we got through it. Couple years later I fought him with porn mags again… big blow out. Im not enough again? What do you want from me??? Im NOT a porn star. Im a beautiful woman not a who’re. But with his pushing for me to be more accomidating I relented to look at porn with him…. once. Coz he blew it. I tried… started getting upset… I said I can’t… I don’t like it… please turn it off I can’t. I started crying. It felt like I was watching my husband have sex with other women in the room. I felt like he was that worked up coz those women not just me. He agreed to shut it off. I said that was tramatising I want to go to bed and sleep. He pretended to go to bed with me for 10months minutes. He waited fir a while thought I went to sleep but the images I saw and that freakish stare on my husbands face was stuck in my mind and I remained awake. He got up went out of the room…. I came out to the tv room a few minutes later to find him with his pants down masturbating to the porn movie again. That is sexual abuse. Emotionally as well. That’s just one story. I have many many more now that my last bf drug me through it too. Your wife is the victim of sexual abuse by the one man she counted on to love and protect her. You failed to provide that fir a long time. Yes you got better and stopped….but what she went through during your awakening destroyed something inside her. SHE needs counselling now. To learn how to let you touch and love her again. You became abusive sexually by making porn more important. By not understanding where us women go in our mi ds after sexual abuse. We don’t want to be touched again. We don’t feel you deserve it again or we flash back to the abuse. Its too difficult to completely forgive without counseling. She’s going to hate that. Its so not fair to have to when she didn’t bring herself where she is now. But… she chose you to marry… the good and bad with it. She needs to accept what your relationship is now or leave. You keep up your good work.. but she needs a therapist to help her with what you did to her mind. Hope this helps. I could use some good karma lol
How is this for frustrating! I was sexually addicted to porn. I told my wife when we were still dating from a place of wanting to go into a marriage with full disclosure and honesty. She freaked and bolted(left the state for 3 weeks). She did come back – hurt and angry and demanding I get into therapy. I did. Sex has never been close to the same since the day I told her. We HAD a very mutually fulfilling sex life till the day I was honest with her. I felt rejected, scrutinized, and like me needs just didn’t matter. I relapsed and was caught twice. In and out of lots of therapy. I have not slipped for 3+ years now. I feel like that part of my life is behind me. My wife started getting A LOT more attention. I was VERY patient and trying to be understanding for 2 years – letting my wife allow herself to feel safe again. I felt HER emotional DISTANCE growing more and more. About a year ago, I started obsessing about her sexually and being intrusive (I made sure I was around her whenever I was home and she would be naked). After 2 years of being patient and rejected I started to manipulate and just care about my own needs – she clearly was only interested in hers. I was the exclusive initiator – almost every request was met with “It’s too late” (regardless of the hour or the fact that she would do something else for another 2 hours), “I’m too tired”, “if you get the kids in the morning”, etc. She came to a place of not wanting to be touched when we made love – “get in, get out, good night” – very unsatisfying. She caught me touching her while she slept. Now I am with a sex addiction therapist. For the past 3 months she has demanded that not only we remain celibate, but the ONLY affection she is okay sharing is a hug that she initiates or I may ask permission for(which most of the time has been rejected).
Clearly I had/have an addiction problem – I have not acted out with pornography in 3+ years. I have a great desire for my wife – yes, sexually and no, it is FAR from all about sex – I enjoy spending time, just cuddling, taking her out (I initiated a date nite for us months ago – also been stopped by her) and just all around enjoying being with her. There are 2 weeks a month that for religious reasons we cannot make love. I feel like I would feel satisfied making love 3-4 times a week on the 2 weeks a month we can (assuming she is emotionally present and open). Am I “addicted” to my wife or just so frustrated and angry that I began to treat her in a very violating and disrespectful way? I feel like my wife has never forgiven me and I have become a receptacle for her constant criticism and demeaning words. I am frustrated and sad and want to work with my wife on experiencing greater intimacy. I feel like her mistrust and lack of safety have caused her to distance so much I fear she will never make it back (emotionally or sexually). She now sees any anger, tension, any relationship problem. etc. as a function of “my addiction”. My experience is she lives in her own reality and has no room for mine. Am I crazy? Would love some thoughts/feedback/input – especially from the women. Good, bad or otherwise – what do you think? Thanks.
Hello,
I am a male who has and who is battling with porn. I was addicted heavly in my youth years around 10yrs of age due to finding porn movies in the vcr and being curious to see what the movie was I watched them. Not knowing what it will do to me, I would crave to watch another one. Many yrs later, I have battled that crave to stop, but I have continued to fail. I am married and serve the Most High God and am doing better because of it. Still I have to battle that crave and sometimes I fall. Most recently I went 6 months without sex with my wife, (and with no masterbation) and I constsntly asked if she could please me and help me take that urge away, and she would say no. Now I work 13 hr days, come home and cook, clean, give the kids baths, wash the dishes everyday, including putting the kids to bed and saying prayers with them and all I asked for is for her to touch me or make love to me and I respond with please after asking her. Sometimes I go to bed hurting bc I know i dont want to mastetbate and make her upset and be really mad at me. So a couple of days later I got the urge and masterbated while watching porn and not telling her. So yes she found out while going through myphone and she was furious, hitting me in anger. I told her baby I asked you for months and you said no! So she told me I will go and do the same to you and I dont care if you f another women and I said yes you do careand im not going to do that to youthats stupid. I really want to treat my wife ad God treats His church, and be great to my wife, but I dont want to be bashed for it, and not talk about it. Ladies I understand how mad it makes you but help me out im trying to be a great and suppirtive husband. I feel like im in this battle alone and need help. I tried to tell her baby the more love we make the less a man thinks about masterbating. Im really trying. Thanks
Karen~
I’m so sorry! Reading your comment was like reading about my own life. Three days ago I was reading in bed and decided to look up a word on my husbands phone (he was in the living room). Being that I’m not very technical I back shifted from a site and found something I wasn’t expecting to see. I am also 6 months pregnant with our first child. My heart began to race. I was stunned. I felt numb.I thought it was a mistake and maybe it was some weird pop up add. I asked him about it and his face said it all. He admitted there it was a website he had viewed and that there were other pictures on the phone.
I cried all night. He was the last person I wanted to be comforted by. I kept looking at myself in the mirror, my flaws jumping out at me. Especially the one thing that separated me from those women, my round belly with our child. I started to loath her, but could feel her moving around (she’s very active) and my loathing turned to guilt. I realized his addiction has nothing to do with me or her. Like your husbands addiction has nothing to do with your inadequacies.
The best way I found to communicate to him was through a letter. I first told him I loved him and forgave him, but first I thought it was important for him to know how it made me feel. Lastly, I said that this was an addiction and that it was only his choice to make it stop. He needed to decide what steps he would take to hold himself accountable against this monster. I would be supportive however drastic those changed were.
Love, Emily
Just found out last night that my husband has an addiction to porn. It explains the lack of sex that’s always existed between us. I was never unwilling, he was always uninterested…guess I know why now. We would go for months without sex and I’d cry myself to sleep.What makes this even harder is that I’m 7 months pregnant.We had decided to start our family and it didnt take long before we were expecting. Even as I sit here and type this I feel our baby girl kick within me and it only makes the tears fall harder. I’m pretty much blown out of the water right now and really really need some hope and peace. My husband didn’t deny it when I found it on his cell phone and even admitted to having some movies at one point that he threw out. He’s crying and disgusted with himself and were both just trying to figure this all out. I feel ashamed, scared, and lonely.
Hi Candace,
Thank you for the clarification. You are right that we are fed many lies, especially the lie that we are here to just live and die, so we might as well pleasure ourselves. Of course, God has actually designed us to be pleasing to Him, which we can only do by faith, and to serve Him and others. Our culture scoffs at this, thinking we should never serve anybody but ourselves, and yet as long as we try to do so, the more bereft and dry we will feel! He is the one who fills our cup to overflowing, Him and no other!
God bless you, I pray that you will shine like a star as you hold out the word of life in this crooked and depraved generation!
Kate
Kate and Jana,
Just to clear my quoted comment,
“Bottom line is, if your man needs to view all these other women to feel his sexual satisfaction, you are not enough…..and no one needs to feel that way.”
What I should’ve added is your husband is trapt in the world of sin that is telling him to feed his addiction, and convinces him that you are not enough and to keep viewing other women to get satisfied. Of course you SHOULD be enough. It’s the lies of the evil one that tells your husband to partake in this, but your husband’s responsibility is to not take part. He has the bigger responsibility here to recognize he has a problem and to do something about it, not accept, and have you accept that it’s normal male behavior. That is the world and society that has made us swallow that lie. It’s deffinately not what we were created for or there would have been porn in the beginning. These images to redily available on the internet are reletively new compared to the ammount of time humans have been on this planet. A man’s mind was not designed to handle the obvious overstimulation of this. I hope this helps you and I pray for every woman dealing with this that God will hold you close to Him and tell you this is not your fault. That has been what’s destroyed me in this process. Take care :-)
Dear Jana,
Your feelings are legitimate. Your husband’s actions are hurtful. I am glad to hear you’re in the habit of forgiveness, and I hope you will keep it up. Do you know that God instructs us to forgive so that we remove ourselves from the middle, and then He can take control? As long as we are holding something over somebody else’s head, counting their sins against them, we can be frustrating God’s plan. He has told us that the Holy Spirit will convict sinners and lead them to Jesus, where, when they receive forgiveness, they will be forever changed. SO, I hope you will keep forgiving and trusting in the Lord to change both your husband’s heart and your own! He can wash away all that bitterness, resentment and anger. Do you know the Lord Jesus this way? Do you trust Him to take care of your heart and deal with your husband? He is able and willing.
Also, I read below a comment that said: “Bottom line is, if your man needs to view all these other women to feel his sexual satisfaction, you are not enough…..and no one needs to feel that way.” Well, the truth is that you are enough. God has designed you perfectly to meet your husband’s needs, but a whole lot of lies and selfishness can get in the way of any relationship. Satan will always tempt us to label our husbands ‘too difficult’ ‘too stubborn’ ‘too stupid’ ‘too selfish’ ‘too ungrateful’ etc., etc., so that we will find many reasons to give up. I pray that you will not give up! God has designed marriage to be an area of great blessing and satisfaction for both husband and wife. Dig into the Bible and you will see nearly endless references to God’s design for marriage, love and sex. Satan doesn’t want us to know or to believe that God’s design is good and perfect, but once you take a stand to do marriage God’s way, God will be faithful to bring about blessings!
I guess my final thought to share with you and others is that lying and sexual immorality are not excusable. God doesn’t excuse them either. Instead, He forgives and deals with the sinner. He calls us to forgive and love the sinner, while we let Him deal with them. Most importantly, when God deals with our relationships (i.e. takes care of us), it is going to mean you are going to have to make changes too. Be really humble about it and obey, and then see what wonders God will do on your behalf! You will not be disappointed.
God bless!
Kate
I am glad to hear you say that you are a child of God Candace. God has promised to help us through these difficult situations and to guide us into the right direction. Jesus pictured Himself like a Good Shepherd who speaks to us His sheep and leads us into the places where we can grow and be strong. “My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me” (John 10:27) You can have confidence that Jesus is speaking to you and that you will be able to hear His voice as you listen for it and know which direction He wants you to go.
Lord God I pray for Candace and her boyfriend as they deal with the struggles in their relationship. I pray that Candace would clearly hear Your voice and that she would know what it is that You are directing her to do. I pray that as she reads the Bible she would hear Your voice and have the courage to obey no matter what. I pray that Your Spirit would empower her to live according to Your plan and purpose and that her relationships would be transformed as she faithfully walks in Your path. Amen.
Jana,
I am going through the exact same thing with my bf.
Except, I already know from past experience, that I WILL NOT watch it with him.
I am a child of God, and cannot stand the way it feels to view this in any way.
To me, it is just entirely wrong and not at all what God intended a man and a woman to share for so many reasons.
Bottom line is, if your man needs to view all these other women to feel his sexual satisfaction, you are not enough…..and no one needs to feel that way.
The lies are because he knows it’s wrong or he’d do this openly without hiding it. We all should know what lies do to a relationship. Everything becomes questionable at that point.
Most women, need to feel they are sexually satisfying their man. Can’t be the case if he needs this other outlet.
Question to you men, How would YOU feel if you couldn’t sexually satisfy your woman? Pretty useless huh? Think about it. You’re on that path now simply because sooner or later, or even presently, you’re ED you have from needing to watch all that hot crap to get and keep an erection???….you won’t be able to satisfy a real woman. You are training yourself to be a “minute man”, and will ONLY be able to masturbate to porn and will not function properly. Don’t believe me??? Don’t dismiss this, take a look and see if this sounds like you.
Oh and one more thing on top of all this BS he had ED issues .which he even admits are better when he stays away from porn he is selfishly undermining our sex life .
While watching porn with your addicted partner is a good suggestion ,it doesn’t help .I have suggested to my husband not to watch porn and Jack off without me that I’m welling to watch it with him sometimes when he has an overwhelming urge for it but I still find that he is lying to me and still watching porn behind my back . I feel betrayed ,lied to and anger resentment for his emotional infidelity . I have already forgiven him multiple times .What else does he lye about I feel I’m suffocating with resentment . I’m not a prude ethier .Im thin healthy what is the problem .I mean the day before I came home early and caught him jacking off to porn we had sex twice .I really thought he had told me the truth about not doing this anymore I fell devastated that ii believed him and that he lied once agin to me . I just don’t know how to move forward I’m so mad I don’t like withholding sex from my husband because I myself love sex and he knows this but this time I’m going to restrain from him longer than ever before . I wish I could do something to him to make him feel the way I do currently . If you ask me he is really unfair .
ps, the most important thing you can do is to bring it up and talk to him about how it makes you feel and how it is impacting your relationship. He needs to get help. This isn’t a battle you can win on your own.Porn addiction is one of the most difficult to deal with. Check out this excellent resource that you may find helpful, http://www.xxxchurch.com/
Thank you for this article. I am afraid my husband is drowning in the depths of porn addiction and I don’t know how to talk to him about it.
Hi JP, it sounds like you are complaining about a specific woman rather than all women. It may be your experience getting nitpicked and refused sex has led to an addiction to porn but that is not the case of all people. It is also a bad practice of putting the blame of your dysfunctional behaviour on someone else rather than taking responsibility for your own choices. Yes, some relationships are more difficult but that does not give licence to engage in behaviour that further undermines the health of the marriage.
As you may have read from some of the other posts, some women have tried to be very compliant with the sexual requests of their husbands but still have found that he is captivated by pornography. It is true that porn is a symptom of a flawed marriage and it is by working together, not attacking each other, that a healthy marriage becomes a possibility.
Candace said: “A separate sex life you perform in while being aroused by VIEWING OTHER WOMEN. That’s emotional cheating on your wife. She HAS BEEN betrayed.”
A couple of things here:
1) Why is it viewed as emotional cheating for a man to jack off, not screwing ANY other chick, but not emotional cheating when he is attacked daily about EVERY shortcoming he has, nitpicked to death. When your wife’s idea of you being a “good man” is the latest thing her friends, her sister, her mother, and the liberal media have created what a good man should be, and the definition, a collaborative effort to create a fantasy man. How is that not emotionally cheating? Today’s women are mostly hypocrites…ok for them to cheat emotionally and destroy with words, her husband, but not ok for him to relieve a little sexual frustration so she doesn’t have to be “bothered” with sex, because that is how we are treated on the subject of sex…it bothers you.
2) Conclusion: Jacking off to porn is a symptom of a fundamentally flawed marriage. The wife is often times more responsible than the husband in this regard…she drew first blood. A husband that is loved and appreciated and that has a wife actually desiring him, would, if he wanted to watch porn, feel comfortable being himself enough to watch it with his wife. She would be open to his greatest desires, she would then uncover the many layers that is the iceberg of the capability of her man, his ability for sexual gratification, depth of love, and ability to further her needs and be the rock of emotional support the wife constantly craves.
Jthomasaustin says: “a lot of women need to look at themselves and ask what it is they have done wrong when it comes to intimacy. There are some cases where it is just that, an unhealthy obsession that may require help, but for some ladies ask yourselves are you the type that has the “let’s get this over with” attitude when it comes to sexual relations with your husband? Sometimes you need to be the dream girl, I am not saying to be his daily porn star, but sometimes create some excitement. A lot of ladies feel like just the fact that they give sex is enough, and that is selfish and short sighted. How would you feel if your spouse did the things you wanted most with that kind of attitude?”
Are you kidding me? Here’s this…if a man hadn’t gone and filled his eyes full of every perfectly beautiful, hot assed woman he can…. seeing his wife getting undressed for a bath, or bending over to get into the oven WOULD be a turn on. NOW women have to spend hundreds of dollars on their appearence buying sexy clothes, getting nails done, tanning, waxing, etc. to get her man’s attention? NO, there is something very wrong with this type of thinking. There’s a massive difference in “letting yourself go”, with appearence and “being the dream girl”. Are YOU a “dream guy”? Could you be if you tried? Come on. It’s today’s man that thinks of only HIS entitlement.
Also, Mr. J…. I don’t think you have pondered on the seemingly endless cases I’ve read of mild porn use in a relationship…when the man is offered sex on a regular basis… sometimes every day… and her man WILL STILL USE PORN AND MASTURBATE. This is what can happen when using porn on a steady basis… obsession develops over time. Porn is not a safe outlet to the male sex drive. Ever.
Steve said: “she feels betrayed which i can understand to some degree but for me there is a very distinctive line in our love life and watching porn on a computer”….Oh Steve…. there IS NO distinction between sex and sex. Right? These are the same words. Your issues may begin with you realizing sex with a partner, and sex by yourself…is still sex. A separate sex life you proform in while being aroused by VIEWING OTHER WOMEN. That’s emotional cheating on your wife. She HAS BEEN betrayed. By the man she loved and trusted the most. Get all the info you can and read it. You may have completely compromised your wifes own sexuality with your ignorance on this. Stay educated people. So much to learn, so little time, no second chances.