This is a very hard situation. Addiction is not an easy thing to break. The person who is addicted has to want to get better and has to be willing to do whatever it takes to get better. From what you’ve written here it sounds like your boyfriend is not there yet. You’ve said that he won’t see a counsellor and that his promises to change fall flat. That’s very common with an addiction – they want to keep their promises but they can’t. That’s part of why they need help. It is very difficult to break an addiction on your own. It’s not impossible, but it is very, very hard.

You cannot get better on his behalf. Only he can do that work. So you’re left with a very hard decision. Is his use of pornography something you can live with? Is he someone that you can be in a relationship with if he never stops looking at those images or having those chats?

I know that you love him very much and I can hear in your comment how much this is hurting you. Consider the future. If this behaviour never changes can you see yourself being with him as husband and wife? If not, then as hard as it would be you need to think about breaking up with him. You have given him every chance to change and he can’t or won’t. He has lied and hidden things from you – that’s not a very good foundation for a relationship.

You could tell him that it’s his addiction to porn that means you cannot be together. Perhaps losing you would help him to see how serious this is and give him a reason to do the hard work of getting better. But you have to be strong. If you break up with him and he promises to change you can’t take him back right away you have to make him prove it because he has lied to you before.

Think of it this way. When one partner has had an affair and the other is willing to try and make the relationship work the offending partner has to be willing to be completely open with the partner who did not cheat. Often these couples will check in with each other throughout the day. He will let her read his email. She will check his internet history. I heard of one couple where she was allowed to ask any question she wanted at any time. That was what it took to rebuild trust, for the partner who did not cheat to know for sure that the affair was over. I think that if you and your boyfriend are going to build a life together he’s going to need to be willing to give you access like that. If he’s really trying to stop then they’re shouldn’t be anything that you can’t see.

You need to think long term. It would be incredibly hard to break up now, it would be much harder 6 months, or a year from now. It would be awful if you got married and then discovered that he never stopped looking at porn and you had that to deal with in your marriage.

You said that he won’t see a counsellor, have you considered seeing one yourself? A counsellor could give you the support you need to make this choice. Whether you stay or you go, keep your eyes wide open. From the sounds of things he is not interested in getting help so most likely he is not going to stop. Is this what you want your life to look like?

He felt ashamed and disgusted, and promised me not to repeat it ever again, but he never kept his promise, though I can understand the reason behind it, as his addiction won’t let him to, but still, I can not ignore it and let him ruin himself like this.

I tried with love , sometimes with anger and showing disappointment.
But he kept lying to me and kept on watching porn.

Then one day I found out more!!!
He used to have sex chat, webcamming, watching vulgar or nude pictures,and even gay sex chats and webcamming (I don’t know if he does all these now but he still addicted to porn and masturbation also I guess..n also watches nude or vulgar pictures etc)

I am really worried.
He about a month ago confessed about his secret activities of watching vulgar pictures etc. n promised never to repeat again.
I was satisfied but time to time kept asking lovingly if he was facing any problem in leaving any of his addiction.

But now I again found out his activity.. Watching porn and explicit movies and nude or vulgar pictures.

I am really worried and hurt.
I just want him to get rid of this addiction. I tell him to tell me whenever he feels like watching such things so I can motivate him not to. But he doesn’t do that. As he maybe feels embarassed to do so.
And not forgetting to mention, we never had any physical contact as our religion does not permit us to.
I even tried to motivate him by sharing religious things about watching vulgarity that how bad is that etc.
But the worst thing is, he doesn’t stop watching all that and keeps lying to me. In such a case, how will I ever be able to help him to get rid of it?

He doesn’t confess until I tell whatever I have found out about him.

I feel like he is not willing to leave his addictions.
And all this hurts me alot and makes me worried about him.

PLEASE HELP ME!!!!
And one more thing to mention is that he is also is addicted to smoking but I guess he doesn’t do it anymore. Thats wat he says.. I can’t say if its true or not!!
P.S. He won’t ever agree to visit a counseller etc.
So please help me and tell me some tips so I can help him out.

Please :’(

The problem is not the porn as it is a symptom of what the problem is as the real problem is. It is not you as you have put up with it however what I suggest is you seek Christ in earnest to see what action you should take as if you ask Christ he will give you the wisdom through the Holy Spirit. It may require him to attend counseling to see what the root cause as I am sure he wants to stop but he can’t and does not know how to do so. Pray for him and for wisdom for yourself.

Lord Jesus, I ask and pray that you will reveal to this lady what she should do as i am sure it is very frustrating and maddening. Show her the way,

In Jesus Name,

Amen

The fact that he hid porn where your daughter could find it is pretty scary. It could mean that his head is so deep into this stuff that he’s not thinking clearly. I do not think that he would ever intentionally put your child at risk, but it seems like his need to view this material is seriously clouding his judgement. It may be that you need to take your daughter out of the house until he can prove that it is a safe place for her, or perhaps he needs to be somewhere else while you scrub the house of everything. Either way it’s not an easy step but if you are both committed to getting him healthy then I do believe that you can do the work to keep your family.

I know that this is incredibly scary but it’s not something that is going to go away if you stop paying attention to it. Get help. See a counsellor alone first if he’s not ready to come with you. A counsellor or a pastor can help you figure out how to talk to him in a way that he understands what is at risk. The counsellor can probably also help you understand why it’s happening. It sounds like it started long before he met you. If you’d like to talk to someone privately, we have mentors available. We’re also happy to pray for you.

I don’t know if you have a faith background or not, but I believe that prayer is powerful and you’re in a serious situation so I’m going to pray for you right now. This is what I prayed:

Dear God, I pray for Lynn, for her husband and her daughter. She must be so scared and hurt and sad right now. I pray that you would give her the strength to fight for her family. I believe that you can help, that you can fix this and they can have many many happy years together ahead. But it’s a hard road and they are going to need your help. I pray for her husband for the shame and guilt that must make it so hard for him to admit that there is a problem. Help him to see how much Lynn loves him and how much she wants them to be a family. Help him to accept the help he’s going to need to make a big change in his life. Help him to see that if this is left unchecked the addiction will overtake his family. Give him clarity to see that this is not a casual thing and Lynn is NOT bending it out of proportion. Help him to believe that he can change, that this thing that has such a grip on his life doesn’t have to have control any more. I pray for peace and the resolve to do this together to fight this thing and come out stronger. Be with them today, even in this moment right now. Show them the next step to take. In your name I pray, Amen.

I want you to know that Jesus can make a difference in your husband’s life and He can also make a difference in your ability to respond to your husband. Jesus invited, “Come to me all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest for your souls.” Not only will Jesus help you to know how to best respond to your husband’s problem but He will also give you peace in the middle of the hurt. I don’t know what you know about who Jesus is but let me invite you to talk with one of our online mentors who can help you find out how Jesus can make a difference in your life. You will find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor.

The reason I say that is because neither you nor your counsellor can change your husband. All you can do is create an environment that promotes change. If both you and your husband go into counselling with that attitude there is great hope for things to turn around.

Lord God I pray for Lynda and her husband. I ask that You would help them find a quality counsellor that will be able to help guide them toward a healthier marriage. I ask that her husband will be open to making changes that will further guard him from the destructive attraction of pornography. I ask that You would heal their love and draw them back to where they are united as You intend them to be. Amen.