Comments on: Helping Your Husband Battle Pornography

By: Alfred

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 22:08:50 +0000

Thank you, Candace; I was so wrong!!! Yet maybe it is good I said it that way, for I revealed man’s selfish perspective. Addictions, like pornography and masturbation are also just like that, a very destructive habit that needs to be gotten rid of. Having my thinking straightened out (I hope), I’m now able to say that a man who really loves his wife will help her to heal. He will ask God for wisdom and strength every hour, to be the husband that he’s been called to be. But how can he put selfish addictions behind him? I was reading in “Your Thoughts can change Your Life” by Donald Curtis, that “the harder a person tries to change an old habit pattern the worse it is, for the harder he fights his lower nature the stronger it gets. But we must dissolve it somehow. Jesus said, “Resist not evil, but overcome evil with good.”” Now I ask, does that mean replacing the addictions with something positive? – most likely. I need to place my wife’s needs ahead of mine, and treat her with love & consideration. Then my joy is in seeing her heal & blossom! I think I feel good at having said that, and hope it helps someone.
Marcus, you are to be commended! Thank you for sharing those experiences. I’ve heard that “Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional”. What a joy there is in changing to the extent that our lives are more useful to others. Only God can help a man to become a blessing to his family.
Peace and Joy, Alfred.

By: Marcus

Marcus — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 18:32:43 +0000

in Response to Karen… I am a recovering sex addict of approx 13 years. the last 5 were the worst. i have been sober almost 6 months. i am married to the most beautiful, tenacious and forgiving wife i could have asked for. I believe that the answer to your ? may be different depending who you are asking and what they believe. you asked why porn?? what is it about it that makes it so enticing to a man….and some woman. For myself (and i believe for most men and women) it WAS and probably is something that filled a void in my life very early in my youth. A void that should have been filled by other people and situations. Mine i believe was many reasons…from the absence of my father to sexual abuse as a kid. but everyone has a void in their souls that needs to be filled…many…if not most fill it with something that will not suffice. weather drugs or alcohol, or work or sex through porn or physical relationships. once you start to fill that void with something
that “feels good” even temporarily…its becomes habit then eventually addiction. Some are harder to quit than others…some are more destructive than others. I believe that porn and sex addiction is the hardest to quit and the most destructive. Especially emotionally!! I have been addicted to many things….alchohol, drugs such as crack, coke, meth, marijuana, cigarettes and sex. All i have been able to get over with much less effort than one might expect. Except my sexual addiction. giving it up was without a doubt the hardest thing i have ever done. If not for the strength i have found through GOD and his word and the forgiveness and support of my wife i would still be where i was not long ago. The voila that i spoke of earlier is designed to be filled by a relationship and the love of GOD. weather you believe it or not, We are all designed that way. Like i said before…i have only been sober 6 months….but i will never go back to the way my life was before. I have an a
mazing wife who i have put through hell…several times. and 2 amazing kids that deserve a father that i know i can be. For all the men who read this….there is freedom…and freedom is sweet, i see everyday how my past actions have affected my life. Especially my wife and my marriage, but i also see how things are slowly becoming what i know they can be. Good luck and stay strong.

By: Emily

Emily — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 02:39:10 +0000

Karen~
I have to give you a shout out :) Your post was nourishing to my soul. It was so encouraging to hear about the progress you have made with your husband amidst emotional turmoil. The feelings you are having are affirmed. Everyday since something has elicited those thoughts “He can still relapse, he’ll become better at hiding it, your going to stay, have more babies with him only to find out in a couple of years that he still has this addiction” but I have to find my strength and understand those are not from the Lord. I have to redirect my thoughts as difficult as it is. At times I want him to know that I still feel this way, but I know it will only serve more hurt. I’ve forgiven him and I’m accountable to not hold it above his head. This isn’t to say I haven’t broken down a few time because it’s happened. We are human. We are broken. BUT, We are saved by grace. What a wonderful demonstration of God’s grace for a wife to show to her husband that even through the pain, disappointments and hurt that she will walk with him to healing. It has truly put into perspective the abounding mercy God has for his children.

By: Emily

Emily — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 02:20:14 +0000

My husband also has the following answer when asked “why porn?”. From the suggestions listed on comments I assumed it was stress related, sex related, relationally related, my attractiveness or pregnancy. When asked he has said it has nothing to do with any of those. The only thing he has said that is was a bad decision. He was bored and didn’t think about the effects it would have on our family. It’s hard to wrap my female mind around this because it’s the complete opposite of how I handle decisions in my life.

By: Karen

Karen — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 01:38:04 +0000

This is for the men but women feel free to put in your two cents!! Men, I’ve asked my husband this and he can’t really give me a reason..just says he doesn’t know….but my question is: What is it about porn?? Why do you watch it? Even though some of you admit to having a beautiful wife at home who will give you sex as much as you wanted…why always go back to the porn? Would love to hear your thoughts…just trying to understand. Women, would love to know what your partner gave as a reason(s)…thanks!

By: Candace

Candace — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 05:33:32 +0000

Arthur* Alfred. Auto correct lol

By: Candace

Candace — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 05:29:21 +0000

“When a sexual need is crying to be met”
ARTHUR…. a man needs to learn control and patience. If he was disciplined in that in the first place a couple wouldn’t be struggling with porn in the first place. And like the one guy said below … after years of being rehabilitated and said wife still doesn’t want her husband for sex? She needs counseling and fast. The pregnant women here haven’t experienced repeat offenders yet. I hope their husbands have truly stopped but most don’t. They learn to hide better. But God digs out lies and exposes them… leaving wife to distrust over and over catching him until she shuts down sexually. Yes Arthur… at that severe level wife needs therapy not hounded for sex from a man that keeps hurting her. You haven’t known the extremes

By: Candace

Candace — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 05:15:31 +0000

Alfred,

I’m sorry to differ with you. But you are pretty much dead wrong with your advice to give up sex before a woman is ready. You should read more about that before you tell us women what we should do. No woman should give sex unless she is emotionally ready. Whether its hurt… distrust…or spite…women need to heal first from what their husbands have done to the relationship. Giving up sex when you don’t really want to is borderline raped. He is the one that took his wife where she is without asking her already. He put his needs first with getting into porn in the first place. He merely needs to learn control and to wait for his satisfaction. If he truly loves his wife he will do it right. No good man pushes for sex when his wife is still broken from lies and emotional cheating to the point where she doesn’t even want to show her body. Much less still be feeling she is sharing her husband with another woman still. All the articles I have read tell the man to stop ALL sex until he’s reprogrammed to his wife. Cleared all images from his mind so he can focus on only his wife. His wife will know… see and feel when he’s done this. He changes. Then she will open back up for sex. Telling women to give him what HE NEEDS before he’s rehabilitated is dead wrong and massively selfish. That thinking is how the problem started in the first place. Educate yourself and be careful what you put here for words. Real hurting women need good advice.

By: Alfred

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 03:32:19 +0000

HC and Matthew, your wives need to read what Karen and Emily have done!!! Though difficult, these women have helped their husbands to conquer the porn-monster. Now their marriages are the richer for it! You and your mate are ONE, and by alienating him, you punish yourself also and increase the problem, —while the devil is laughing. Dr. D. Currie in his article states “he does need your help to conquer this addiction. Above all, he needs your unconditional love, as well as your forgiveness. He needs to know that the slate can be wiped clean, and that you won’t hold this against him for years to come. Nothing will strengthen him more to move to freedom than you believing in him and standing with him to fight the battle.”
I know, you have good reason to be shocked, feel hurt and rejected. How much farther do you want to push him away? When a sexual need is crying to be met, then please help him by meeting that need! With or without counseling, your man must know that you are truly helping him fight that monster.
When I told my wife that I used to masturbate (as a teenager) she bluntly said that she didn’t believe it was that bad. Now, that was the best word for me, and I believe we have supported each other more because of it. When couples can, with God’s help, weather a storm together they both grow in many ways.
I want to refer you to a Bible study for married couples. “2=1 – The Combined Ministries of Nova Shalom and Marriage Ministries International”. It is interdenominational, and is taught twice / year. Find it on a website and look for a class near you. Let the Holy Spirit give your marriage a “Spiritual tune-up”. We took it 3 times, and were in a position to teach it when we moved to another province and work commitments kept us from doing that. (My wife later said she went in kicking & screaming, but came out blessed). I think God had us take the course “just because we needed it”.
Dear Lord our God, I thank You for helping each couple to reach out to one-another, to be forgiving, to build relationships at home, and then to praise You for the restoration! YOU, Lord, are the healer of all ills, You are our councilor and comforter. We were never told that it would be easy, but that You are here with us when it hurts. Lift us up and bless each home, and each marriage May there be love and peace and eventually JOY. Thanking You, we pray in Jesus name. Amen.

By: Andrew

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 20:18:36 +0000

BECOMING FREE FROM PORN (POISON)

Their are many reasons why a man gets involved with porn as in today’s society we live in a hyper sexual environment. I personally believe that the issue often has nothing to do with how a woman looks however it is important that man and woman both take good care of themselves.

Porn for a man is often is not about the rejection of the spouse but it is the symptom of an extreme deep hurt that has occurred in either a mans or woman’s life. Not in all cases but very often men who are heavily involved in porn is because the images they see gives them temporary relief and by masturbating gives the man a false sense of healing. It does not matter if you have sex with your wife three or four times a day they will still crave it because they are trying to find healing. One of the misconceptions that many couples have is if we move in together then the porn habit will cease in fact often it will increase as the healing that you feel would occur is not enough because their is no commitment and it is a physical arrangement that often ends in disaster.

You can attend many sexual addiction therapists sessions however this will never free you as often they deal with the symptoms and not the root cause. Like chopping of a weed at the top and saying that solves the problem only to discover a week later when an image appears that you dive back into the cesspool of fake love that destroys the soul. Many are most likely saying to yourself if seeing a therapist does not bring complete healing than what does as a therapist can only take it so far until the one important aspect is dealt with.

First discover what the root cause is as it might be something that happened years ago and was never dealt with. Their are a number of methods to find out first ask Christ to show you what the reason is and seek a Christian counselor to help you discover what the reason is as they will help open your eyes. Then commit that aspect to Christ and he will heal you so the desire to self medicated yourself with porn reduces. You may say to yourself well I have never accepted Christ then very simple ask Christ to forgive you of your sins and to enter your heart then you will have the power of the Holy Spirit for you to become free as most secular sex therapists will not teach you this.

This is the first step for freedom as accepting Christ, seeking a Christ to find out why you are doing this and if necessary see a Christian psychologist. The reason this step is important is it will pull out the root cause however with out the second phase the root will reattach itself again and this is found in Romans 8: 1 -12:

1 So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. 2 And because you belong to him, the power[a] of the life-giving Spirit has freed you[b] from the power of sin that leads to death. 3 The law of Moses was unable to save us because of the weakness of our sinful nature.[c] So God did what the law could not do. He sent his own Son in a body like the bodies we sinners have. And in that body God declared an end to sin’s control over us by giving his Son as a sacrifice for our sins. 4 He did this so that the just requirement of the law would be fully satisfied for us, who no longer follow our sinful nature but instead follow the Spirit.

5 Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit. 6 So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace. 7 For the sinful nature is always hostile to God. It never did obey God’s laws, and it never will. 8 That’s why those who are still under the control of their sinful nature can never please God.

9 But you are not controlled by your sinful nature. You are controlled by the Spirit if you have the Spirit of God living in you. (And remember that those who do not have the Spirit of Christ living in them do not belong to him at all.) 10 And Christ lives within you, so even though your body will die because of sin, the Spirit gives you life[d] because you have been made right with God. 11 The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead, he will give life to your mortal bodies by this same Spirit living within you.

12 Therefore, dear brothers and sisters,[e] you have no obligation to do what your sinful nature urges you to do. 13 For if you live by its dictates, you will die. But if through the power of the Spirit you put to death the deeds of your sinful nature,[f] you will live. 14 For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children[g] of God.

The third step is memorizing scripture verses as your mind will begin to dwell on the word of God and begin to heal. You will become free as you can read the Bible often but if you don’t have the word of God in your mind then it is very difficult to resist temptation and the cycle will start all over again.

Lastly get rid of all the devices for temptation if your looking at porn on your phone then leave it turned off when you are alone, if it it internet then leave your computer turned off at home or use it with others in the room. Find someone other than your wife to be accountable to as she will fill rejected by you when you when it is not her you are rejecting but yourself. Contact a church as the problem with porn is in churches as well and they should have someone you could be accountable too and if one church does not try a different church till you find someone. I hope you had the persistence to read the whole post as I normally do not post this long but it is an important topic that is often misunderstood as their is freedom.