Returning Home after Separation
My husband and I have been separated for a while now and he is thinking of returning home. On one hand I want him to and on the other I am not sure because of many fears I have. What would be your advice in handling this? What should I do and/or what should I not do?
Advice: Thank you for writing. I would suggest that now is the best time for you to make some requests before your husband comes back. Ask him first what 2 or 3 changes you could make to improve your marriage relationship. Then you can ask him to make 2 or 3 changes that you feel would improve your relationship. Since he wants to come back you can conclude that he wants to work on the marriage.
Ask him to attend marriage counseling with you or go to a Christian Marriage retreat. I recommend you both read Fighting for Your Marriage : Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love
by Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, Susan L. Blumberg, Dean S. Edell. You can check out the Prep web site for a “Fighting for Your Marriage” retreat near you. You can also order their video tapes and watch them together if you can’t attend a retreat. The Prep marriage enrichment program is one of the best in the country and the videos are worth every penny since it will help you save your marriage.
You seem anxious about your husband returning. May I ask why? Was he abusive, either physically or verbally? Or maybe you had difficulty with conflicts? What do you mean by “messing up again”? I can only guess at what the core problems are in your marriage.
Usually, couples have problems with communication and conflict. This is because relationships need a lot of work. Couples have many differences to negotiate and work out, ie., personalities, gender, values, beliefs, backgrounds, expectations, goals, parenting, in-laws, and more! But in my experience when couples begin to bend a little and make some positive changes, their relationship takes a turn for the better! Giving up is probably the worst thing that can happen. Making some small positive communication and behavioral changes along with prayer, support and encouragement through retreats, church and counseling can give you hope instead of despair; understanding instead of assumption, caring instead of resentment.
Unless there has been physical abuse or unfaithfulness, I would encourage you to take your spouse back. Physical abuse problems need counseling and relationship interventions to stop the escalation . Unfaithfulness needs to be confessed with a commitment to restore the marriage. Seek pastoral counseling as well.
You can find a counselor or go to the nearest mental health center.
© copyright 2003 Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Seek guidance go for counselling and you both must want the same thing because if you’re i doubt it wont happen but if you trust God and that is
your soulmate make it work…….
i separated with my husband coz he was abusive .so he take his girlfriend to my house how can i go back to my house?please advise me.
I wouldn’t put porn and cheating in the same category. Pornography is lusting after someone else, but actually physically cheating is taking that lust to an entirely different level. Porn is easy, to have an affair (trust me) takes work, a lot of hiding, and is a concious decision to do something horrible to your spouse and your marriage. Sounds like you should let him back, get some web filters and keep the computer in an open and accessible location.
he has been addictied to porn for so many years , it was porn first i was secound. now were separated . hes say he gave it up can i trust him .do you think porn is the same as cheating HELP ME :(