Twelve Ways to Make Your Spouse Dislike Sex
It’s really not difficult to ruin what could have been great sex. If that’s your goal, following these twelve suggestions will ensure that, over time, your spouse will become very creative in finding ways to avoid having sex with you.
Of course, we’re writing this article “tongue in cheek” to make a point. But we can assure you that these behaviors will detract from your sexual relationship with your partner. That’s because sexual feelings are vulnerable to being affected by so many other factors, such as self-esteem, expectations, criticism, emotional intimacy, and pressure.
Do these things to ruin your sex life
So here are the behaviors guaranteed to be “turn offs” to your spouse. In italics is the faulty reasoning that gets marriages into trouble. Below that, we’ve added a counterweight to the faulty reasoning.
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- Develop a set routine for when you want to have sex–the same time and same place every week. “That way, you don’t have to wonder when you’ll have sex–Sunday night at 9:00 p.m. in the bedroom–just like clock work. No use leaving it to chance, right?” How boring. Try adding excitement by surprising your mate with something slightly new and different.
- Follow exactly the same “plays” and “moves” each time.
“This way you both know what to expect each time. It’s just too much work to come up with different things to try, and after the honeymoon period, it’s not really necessary, is it?” Instead, remember a variation on the old saying that variety is the spice of life… and of sex. - Drink a lot first so that you’re loosened up.
“If your mate doesn’t like the smell or wishes you wouldn’t drink so much before sex, it’s just too bad. You can’t let your spouse tell you what to do, can you?” Consistent and excessive intoxication during sex is a big turn-off and could indicate deeper problems. - Only touch your spouse when your goal is to have sex
“Save your hugs, wet kisses, and holding hands until you’re ready to signal that you want sex. That way your partner will associate your touch with sex and know what to expect, get my drift? Cuts down on misunderstandings, doesn’t it?” Actually, the best sex can be the result of hours or even days of buildup with no obvious sign of sex on the horizon. During this time, any sign of affection – a touch, a hug, some compliments – can be powerful foreplay that builds to ignite passion. - Expect your spouse to deliver the sexual goods because you’re married.
“Your mate knows that every ‘good’ marriage partner owes sex to the other partner as part of his or her ‘duties.’ After all, isn’t this supposed to be one of the benefits of being married?” When sex becomes an obligation, it becomes as appealing as paying taxes. Instead, if your goal is to make the experience breathtaking for your partner, you’ll never have to invoke guilt or obligation to get sex. - Push for sex even if your spouse seems reluctant and uninterested as long as he or she says “okay.”
“If the verbal agreement is there, ignore the behavioral signals that indicate reluctance. If your spouse didn’t really want to have sex, he or she should have said so up front, right?” Pay close attention to your mate’s body language. That can be more revealing of true interest in sex than words alone. You’ll damage your relationship if you forge ahead when your partner only agrees just to get it over with. - Skip foreplay and get to the major action immediately.
“It takes too much time to bother with all that extra stuff. Besides, both of you have to go to work in the morning and need your sleep. You can’t afford to waste time.” The truth is, there is often a direct correlation to the amount of foreplay with the quality of the sex. The better the buildup, the better the payoff. - Criticize your spouse’s sexual performance.
“After all, you’re only trying to motivate your mate to be a better sexual partner. It’s not healthy to keep things in, so he or she will just have to listen to your critique.” You will get more satisfying performance out of your mate by praising what he or she does that you like, rather than the contrary. - Criticize your spouse’s physical appearance.
“If your partner has developed a beer belly or gotten flabby, you’re doing him or her a favor to say how much that turns you off. It’ll motivate your spouse to lose weight and shape up, which will help him or her in the long run.” The rule is: use positive strokes to motivate your partner. Negative criticism will poison your sex life. - Answer your cell phone during sex.
“You just never know; this call might be important. Anyway, what’s the big deal? It’s not like you’ll never have sex again. You’ve been having sex for years now, so why should your partner get upset with an occasional interruption?” Respect your partner with your undivided attention to get back the same. Minimize all distractions if possible. - Get it over with as fast as possible as long as you’re satisfied.
“Don’t ask your partner if there’s anything you can do for him or her. Just assume that everything’s okay unless your mate says something.” If satisfaction is not mutual, your sex life will suffer. The simple question a couple can ask each other — “How can I please you?” — works wonders. - Jump up immediately and make your get-away afterwards.
“The faster you get finished, the faster you’ll be able to get to sleep. There’s no time to waste just lying there talking. You can talk tomorrow over breakfast.” Emotional closeness is the currency of intimacy and you can achieve it by allowing each other to share honest feelings. Pillow talk after sex is one of the best times for this.
My husband has Aspergers. Except for physical affection, our interactions are those of acquaintances. He has no friends. He can speak to no one but me about his emotions. He has learned how to say what he feels (pain, misery, despair, desire). His desires. His needs. His wants. He cannot understand someone else’s emotions. He would like emotional intimacy, but he cannot translate words and actions into emotions. He is angry that I am no longer able to respond to his sexual desires. How do I convey that I cannot be sexually intimate but conversational acquaintances and emotional strangers?
Oh Ann my heart goes out to you. How sad that you are living as roommates rather than as lovers. I don’t think that it is ever too late to get help but if he is not willing and refuses there is nothing much else you can do. You obviously love him very much to have stayed with him this long.
Meena, you and your husband are still very young and there is lots of room for growth in every area of your relationship as you communicate and work through the difficult areas of your life, including your sex life. If you were to ask most couples who have been married for a long time, they will tell you that their marriage hasn’t always been easy or without it’s challenges but as you work through them you will find that your relationship is that much stronger. Keep talking and communicating what you are feeling and what your needs are. Don’t give up.
Me and my husband are married for 4 years now, and i can say he has been doing 8 out of twelve things mentioned above. No my confusion is , did he do them on purpose or what. I have been asking him to come and take help but looking at Ann’s story he’s not going to change anyways. He will still be the same and think the same about SEX. SEX and intimacy are very important to me whereas not so important for him. Plus our behaviors don’t match at all. Should i get out of the relation and divorce him before its too late. He’s 32 and am 28 should we part our ways in hope for a better partner in life in future.
I don’t recall if I did any of the 12 items mentioned above, I probably have and have forgetten. It wouldn’t make very much a difference anyway. My husband and I hadn’t had sex, intimacy, no nothing for almost 28 years. Over the years he has refused to get help from me or his doctor. His doctor has offered to help but my husband just plain refuses. He keeps saying after all these years it just not worth it any more. Our home is like an apartment I have the upstairs he has the downstairs.
Good suggestion BJ. Jana’s husband does need to know how she feels. But talking about sex isn’t very easy at the best of times for most people and when there are issues at play it becomes even more difficult. If you feel that your wife is going through the same thing, set the stage….take some time to just relax together and open up to her which may give her the freedom to open up as well. Too often conversations are attempted at night when both spouses are exhausted…not a good time to talk about a difficult subject.
@ Jana. Tell him anyway. He needs to know how you feel. I think my wife is going through the same thing you are but it was with the person she first had sex witj before me. I have been desparate to get her to open up to me about it. I really want to know how she is feeling about it, but every time I bring it up she changes the subject.
#13
Tell your spouse that he (or she) is too kinky, and try to be close-minded about the new sexual experiences that your spouse has asked you to try. When his urges overcome his desire to keep his vows, he will find someone else to accomodate his sexual pleasures.
Tegbe,
I have a clarifying question, did you suggest that Kristal threaten to have an affair? If your intentions were the way it sounds, I would say to Kristal that would be a terrible mistake all it would do was create an atmosphere of mistrust and resentment. I would offer the advice that Kristal and her husband seek counselling instead of then throwing around false accusations. Trying to make your husband jealous is no way of mending the issues in your marriage. If you want to know if your husband cares, ask him to go to counselling and to work on your marriage. Thats the ultimate action of love.
Sad Mum – A freeloader must be staved to his senses like the bible says! If he wont work, he has no right to eat. Don’t lat him touch your money and if he still wont change, kick him out until he comes to his senses! Tough love WORKS!!
No need for you to allow him ruin your emotional life. Who knows, he may just changed. If he is a christian man, drag him to your pastor.
Doug, Please watch the movie FIRE PROOF. Faith or prayer without action is dead. You said “I cry every night. I beg God for help”…What did He say you need to do? I mean God. You know He speaks and that is the purpose of prayer. Communication with God. I believe you are a prayerful person, and you also believe that God answers prayer. However in my opinion what you need at this time is “listening prayer”. Waiting on God for as long as it takes for His direction. Not the easiest thing to do in our fast paced life style, but one that I have found to be EXTREMELY powerfully helpful. May be peace like a river be yours.
To Kristal, encourage him to talk to a counsellor. Threaten him gently with an affair, if his reaction is is non chalant almost like thank goodness, now you will leave alone! Then, you may need to watch him closely and check your house to see that he is not gay. Some gay men in heterosexual relationships always behave this way. Check the house for gay paraphenelia.
sad mum, I don’t believe God will end your marriage. Yes, it is a vow – that you made before God. Would your husband consider going to therapy? I am sure you would both benefit from it. But God will not end a vow – that is something that a human does.
I have never been so unhappy in my life. Married to an emotional and financial freeloader, a most selfish man – in marriage, in parenting, in life. I pray for a second chance at life, I pray nightly that he would jsut leave. Go away. I did not know what i was getting into with this stupid covenant called marriage. we have 6 wonderful children (who he hardly gives the time of day to ) ONly interested in himself. I just wish I had my own life with my children and did not have him in our lives at all. I wish God would release us from this vow – I certainly will never make the mistake of wanting a commitment like this again and certainly dont want another partner – just a chance at having a life with my children – away from this cynical, resentful climate that my husband creates.
To all those who have shared:
Marriage is more than a choice, it is a sacred covenant between a man and woman, sanctioned by the Lord God Almighty. Definitely, people make mistakes when getting married. They marry a person with whom they are incompatible, they marry for reasons other than love, and the most common mistake is that in the US, we marry without any true understanding of God’s purpose and design. Marriage is not simply choosing to spend the rest of your life with someone you love. In many countries marriages are arranged, and the bride and groom do not even meet until the day of their wedding. I know a couple from Thailand who have been married more than 50 years, and theirs was a product of arrangement. Both sets of parents chose an arrangement between the two families, wherein, the oldest son and oldest daughter would become husband and wife. The difference is in our choice: Americans chose to marry the person they love; others chose to love the person they marry.
There is tremendous wisdom in understanding that God doesn’t simply want us to marry the man/woman we love…He wants us to love the person to whom we are married. This means that love is a choice, and in marriage, we must decide to love our spouse…regardless of circumstance. Let me just say, if there is abuse of infidelity, then the relationship is by no means, or in God’s eyes, expected to continue on in futility. Abuse and affairs are certainly grounds for divorce, but apart from those two monumental breaks in confidentiality and covenant, a couple must understand that two people spending more than 15 years together is not simply a miracle…it is a choice that both people made to continue on in their marriage, just as they said in their wedding vows.
If one person in the marriage is pushing away, then it hurts the other. If there are sexual issues, then the spouses will be full of desires which are not being met, and this could lead, and in most cases does lead to cheating. Let me just state, cheating is not limited to a sexual encounter. Cheating could also be quantified as any instance that fits into what Jesus said in Matthew 5:28 “…I say unto you that everyone who looks at a woman [man] with lust for her [him] has already committed adultery with her [him] in his [her] heart.”
Jesus made it clear: Adultery is any thought of lust that is not directed toward your husband or wife…and yes, lust can be a good thing. We can even lust after God, which is called fervor…it’s what the Seraphim have for the Lord as they literally are burning with God’s Holiness. So, to make a marriage work is not a matter of two people being right for one another or not…it is a choice made by two people to make it work, despite any problems or differences. We all make mistakes, such as marrying someone which the Lord would not have us marry; however, “We know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” Therefore, after our mistake of marrying someone that doesn’t match with us, we can have hope…if we are both loving the Lord according to the Great Command, “Hear, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord is one! You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your mind and with all your strength,” Deuteronomy 6:4-5; Luke 10:27 “…and your neighbor as yourself.” The BIGGEST factor is whether or not we follow this simple, yet near impossible, command. The other BIG factor is that both people must be willing. A marriage takes two people and therein lies most of the difficulties…almost every marriage that fails, fails because one person withdraws from the relationship. Once this happens, there is very little hope of recovery…and absolutely no hope for a reconciling if both people are not submitted to the Lord.
This is where my advice comes in. Both people must be willing to love the Lord with all their heart, mind, and strength, and if not, the marriage is not a marriage at all…it is only a selfish, self-centered, narcissistic practice of self serving, which is an exact opposite of the definition of marriage. Marriage is putting aside your life, accepting another person inside your holiest places (heart, mind, and strength…which should be first given to the Lord, and second to your spouse), and then allowing your own thoughts, ideas, and beliefs to be intertwined with another. Marriage is an exercise of self-sacrifice, and if both people don’t understand that and live it, then there is no hope left. First each person sacrifices themself to the Lord, and then to the other person. This doesn’t mean you don’t have your own thoughts, feelings, and desires…it only means that you now must consider your spouses thoughts, feelings, and desires equally with your own. And that is the problem with nearly every marriage…neither person is willing to follow those two requirements, or at least, one person is unwilling. Marrying the “wrong” person is not the deciding factor…not sacrificing yourself to the Lord and to your spouse is the problem.
The biggest help in my life is this verse right here: “Who will separate us from the Love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Just as it is written, ‘FOR YOUR SAKE WE ARE BEING PUT TO DEATH ALL DAY LONG; WE WERE CONSIDERED AS SHEEP TO BE SLAUGHTERED.’ But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loves us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Apart from that stuff, pray, pray, pray, and pray…then, pray some more. Also, those couples struggling with no sex, sinful sex, etc. you need to seek out Christian counseling from someone who actually will help you delve into your past. You need to sort out the real reasons behind the behaviors. You see, a partner who is uninterested in sex should not be seen as the problem. The lack of sex drive is a symptom of an underlying sickness. Just like a runny nose is not the problem, it’s the virus or bacteria which causes the runny nose that must be treated; otherwise, it’s just a futile effort to take away a symptom. In most cases, sexual issues are symptoms of other sexual abuses or sins in that persons life.
Personally I was very sick with a desire to view bondage pornography. I tried many times to treat my desire to look at that junk, but it was all vain. Years went by and the problem didn’t go away, until a therapist got me to look at why that kind of porn excited me. I realized that it was exciting because it demeaned women and put them into an extreme position of submission, which made me feel powerful and in control. The reason I needed that rush is because my ex-wife cheated on me; therefore, I had to take control of other women to make me feel less pain from her affairs. I took control of my feelings by forcing other women into pain. By watching a woman suffer during sex, I felt a sick relief for what my ex had done to me. There’s more to it than just that, but the point is that my viewing porn was not the problem, it was merely a symptom of an underlying issue. Much the same, those folks with sexual issues, there are underlying issues which must be discovered and dealt with.
First of all, pray and ask the Lord to reveal the depths of your heart and mind. Ask Him to bring into the light the dark recesses of your memory and feelings. Second, allow the root problems to surface and then seek out professional help (Christian therapist) to disciple you through all the junk. [Sidenote: In a marriage it is the man's responsibility to lead the relationship; therefore, these steps are yours husbands, so don't shirk your responsibility, and you (husbands) must pursue help and guide your wife. Wives, you can still do these things, but remember that a man could take offense if he senses you are "putting on the pants," so seek a counselors advice first, and pray, pray, pray for your husband to step up and take the lead (God will answer...but be patient, as it may take years).] Thirdly, release your junk to the Cross of Christ. Literally, pray for Jesus to take your junk on Himself, and profess the truth that He has taken your junk already, and confess to Him that you are allowing Him to take all of it. Sometimes this may mean laying face down, crying out to Him for hours while He rips apart your feelings. It’s not easy, but it is all well worth the pain. Fourth, be certain your wife (or husband) is growing with you, and pray for her (him) to be on the same page…because if you don’t grow together and at about the same pace, it will end up worse off than before. (I know, because that’s what happened to me…and we ended up divorced after my wife left me.) Finally, keep in mind that as Christians we are to constantly grow closer to Christ. The journey doesn’t stop until the day we leave this place and go home to be with Him, and during this journey, we should continually grow. It shouldn’t be a series of ups and downs like a rollercoaster…it should be like a steady uphill incline, steadily we move and grow, healing a little more every day and loving one another just a little more every day.
Remember, without Jesus, we are just a pile of worthless dirt…so don’t ever leave Him out, or He will leave us out. And smile, because no matter what we encounter this side of Eden, God loves us enough to die on our behalf…Amen!
To Doug: A last note….Yes I was very angry went it all happen, but I prayed to God to take away my anger and give me peace and to help me forgive him as I want him to forgive me. I pray for his happiness every night I say my pray. We are now friend and can talk to each other without getting upset. He moved to out of state 7 years ago and have never be in him 3 girls life since he left. Now that we talk I know he is not happy and now all alone by himself and having a harder time that I am having. I will always care for him as he gave me 3 beautiful girl, but that is it…..I can offer a listening ears for him, but he have to live with himself and forgive himself to be happy.
Forgiveness is a very powerful thing and if you learn how to…. you will find peace even through the pain.
To doug: July 4, 2010 at 10:27 pm…WOW!!! as I read your msg it make me want to cry…which I am now doing. :(
I know you never said he blame God…..and PLEASE NEVER NEVER SAY THAT…..sometime we ask God for something even thou it can be wrong for us. Sometime we just don’t know how to read the sign that God send us and we take it to be something different than what it was meant to be for…..
Don’t give up hope….Just praying to God and ask him…..if your marriage is meant to be let him help you. Give it all to him and don’t hold back nothing. It is like when a child bring their broken toy to us to fix, we can not so if we don’t have all the pieces.
Try seeking help and ask your wife to accompany you to get counsel to save your marriage. She more than like will say no, but don’t give up…keep asking and in the meanwhile you can go ahead and get counsel for yourself. Remember it takes two to tangle. So if the marriage fail…both are to be blame not only one.
This is my story and maybe it can help you. I was married for 15 years before I got divorced. Telling you story from my ex-husband point of view. He said I withhold sex from him….which from my point I did not see it like that. My husband adore me and I never never thought he would ever cheat on me, but it did happen. All I know that I was a stay home Mom after the children where born and I had 3. I was tired and stress out and never got a break or lunch break until 7-8 pm when the children were all in bed. I had to do all the cleaning up and cooking for the next day as I give my children 100% of my attention when they are awake. When my ex came home which would be late and would want sex, I was too tired and just wanted to sleep. I was not even aware that it was so long since we have had sex, but he notice. I have feeling too and wanted sex also, but guess I was just too tried by the ending of day to even take on more step. (If I had to do it over again I would make sure that we have a lot of communication on both of our side as what we were feeling).
Well after 12 years not being in the working world and now divorced I had to go back to work, which was very hard as technology was so upgraded, but I managed and came through it all. It is how 7 years since I got divorced and it is hard, but I am much better off and happier with my children. I have them 24/7 and I am a very busy mom with them and stress out but also happier as I now know I have no one to depend on to do the work, but me and no one insulting me or fighting with me over sex.
As I see it…. we were not meant to be together and I know God have other plan for me….. I prayed to God if he knows that we were to be together to bring him back… if not I left it up in his hand to do what is best for me and give me the strength to carry on.
I say to all my friends that are going through a divorce or having trouble with their marriage to PLEASE seek counseling and don’t give up easy. Just keep in mind if it was meant to be, it will be….. Keep praying….
I have been married for 12 years. The frequency of sex has been better lately but only since I decided that sex with my wife no longer mattered to me. Not in a vindictive way. In a matter of fact way. Sticking with that attitude seemed to bring about a change in her behavior. She never initiated sex. I noticed her actively avoiding it as well on occasion. Oh, except for when she wanted another child. Then she was really amorous. But the part where you say, don’t have sex unless you can tell your partner really wants to. I was following that rule to a “T”. So we would just never have sex. Sometimes for up to 3 to 4 months at a time. And when we did, it was implicitly because she felt I had grown really cranky and irritable after not having sex for many weeks/months. So we would have “hey you seem really cranky lately” sex. And I am not good with nonsexual intimacy anymore. I used to be. At first I was all mushy and clingy and making up silly pet names (like “Shmoopy” from Seinfeld). unfortunately now when I try to do that I have to fake it. I don’t feel it at all. Long dry spells of sexual intimacy killed it in me, (I think). The Catch 22 I am in now is that I have to actively look like I am avoiding sex to keep my wife’s interest. So I don’t want to even try the non-sexual intimacy anymore because I am afraid it will lead back to the old relationship. On top of all this I am bored in bed. I have tried little things to spice things up but too often she gives them no chance. Makes me not want to try. More depressing is that she makes no effort to do anything different. Maybe it is because just having sex a little more regularly is such a change for her. I read that if 2 people are comfortable with sex once a month then there is no problem in the relationship. This must mean that this is not abnormal, per se. But what if the person who wants sex 4-5 times a week lives with the “once a month” person or the “once every two months” person. The answer is to force one or both of them to change. That seems odd. “You must change your sexual desire!” Maybe people should just get their needs met safely somewhere else. Don’t tell your partner, that could end it. Sounds like that would be one alternative to sticking in a non-compatible relationship and doing nothing about it. Sure there are risks, but there are also risks to doing nothing. And doing nothing may be the worst out of all alternatives. Tried it. Certainly felt like sexual starvation to me.
Doug:
I am sorry to hear of your troubles. So many christian men find themselves in the same problem and end up causing their wives much pain. There is hope though, but only if you are willing to work hard at it.
Your wife is more than likely reacting to the fact that she knows you do not love her as a man should love his wife. Until she is assured of this the bullying etc will not stop. You will need to do things to assure her of your love. Standing up to her is one of them and you are perhaps unwilling to do so because of the guilt you feel that you never loved her to begin with.
“Now I have lived 15 years of being verbally abused, day in and day out. I’m told I’m ugly, stupid, that my mother has bad skin, etc, etc. Its like being punched in the stomach day in and day out. It hurts, so bad. I could never be intimate with my wife after this. Never.”
This is an indicator that you do have issues yourself since you have stayed in a marriage which has been the same for such a long while. You should try to see a good christian counsellor to sort out your own issues and who you are in Christ. You seem to have issues of unforgiveness as well and these tend to block our happiness – “forgive our sins as we forgive others”
Gary Chapman’s book about the five love languages will help you to discover the love language of both you and your partner. The time to do something about your life is now do not let another moment pass you by.
Physical attraction can be learned. How do you think it happens in countries with arranged marriages? DO not be fooled, denying your wife sex is against what God has for marriage as the tells us that our bodies belong to our spouses and we should not abstain, unless we agree to do so for fasting and prayer and then only for a season – lest we fall into temptation.
In Peter it tells us that a man’s prayers can be hindered because of how he treats his wife. All is not lost I pray God changes your marriage for the better and that you will be a testimony to many others. This may be the purpose of your marriage after all. Isaac prayed for 20 years for Rebekah to have a child, eventually she had twins. DO not give up. God rewards persistence, it says so in His Word.
I would say to Kristal and Doug:
There is a book I read that helped me in ways I never thought it would, and it’s really good. I recommend it to couples and singles, with or without problems. It’s “The 5 Love Languages” By Gary Chapman. It is extremely helpful, especially in these situations, and shares several stories of couples who were in similar situations as yours and made it through. I am praying for you guys right now, even as I am typing this.
Goj, that so true… I’ve met 6 of 12… and now i understand why we are having this problems. Thanks! :)
wow doug- sounds just like my marriage. we were married 15 yrs before we separated. My husband probably felt like you. your comments were very eye opening. I too felt that way- I never wanted to be with him because i was very resentful and angry with him- i no longer respected him because of the choices he has made-even when things were goo d the first 5 yrs- the sex was not- we never talked about it, never asked each other what was good- or try diff things- and he immed got up and left- no cuddling or pillow talk- i felt used- he would be mean all day and then want to be togerther, my friend said i should be with him so he will be nicer- it didnt work- was still not nice and i felt worse! it got to the point where i hated sleeping in the same bed as him or hearing him breathe near me- anyway we r noe divorced- it was hell- i have 3 kids 8, 9, and 11 and it has been hell- but pple say better for the kids to not see a loveless marriage and not see all the fighting and yelling- and they should not see him scream at me a treat me badly. I hope to meet someone that we will love and respect eachother and have a wonderful marriage.
Wow! I feel for you I too have been in a loveless marrige for about two years at least now. My husband doesn’t want sex with me and I am not ugly or over weight. I don’t know where everything went wrong. I still love him but am not in love with him. How can I be if he doesn’t even listen or want to listen to anything I say. He thinks I am stupid, but I am going back to school to better myself and I feel that he is just jelous of me I am not being stuck up to feel this way………
This follows Kristal email. Sorry I don’t have an answer, just more misery from the opposite perspective. My youngest child is nearing 10, which is an indication of the last time my wife and I were intimate. In fact, in 15 years we’ve had sex less than 20 times. And I like the thought of sex. Just not with her. To be clear, I have never cheated, but I honestly hope she has, so perhaps she is not as miserable as I am.
Our marriage went wrong, before marriage. To be honest this was during a time when I was praying to find my answer for who I would marry. I let this be Gods decision, or so I thought. My wife answered everything that was indicated in my prayers to God. But I was never physically attracted to my wife. I thought this would change with Gods plan.
In the end, I don’t know if I married my wife because of God, or guilt of breaking up with my wife, who could was at times extremely depressed.
Now I have lived 15 years of being verbally abused, day in and day out. I’m told I’m ugly, stupid, that my mother has bad skin, etc, etc. Its like being punched in the stomach day in and day out. It hurts, so bad. I could never be intimate with my wife after this. Never.
I cry every night. I beg God for help. But what is the answer? The best solution would be for God to end my life? I stepped into this marriage, sincerely believing and asking for Gods guidance.
To be fair, at this point I’m sure I’m pretty damaged goods, and I know my wife isn’t happy either. She hasn’t had intimacy in 10 years either, although I wouldn’t fault her for a second if she cheated, if that could make her happy.
My body and soul are done now. They have absorbed all they can, I feel I will die if I continue with my marriage. I never fathomed divorce, but now consider it. Although, I can’t bear the pain that it will bring on my children, or my wife. I do love my wife, but not as a partner. I worry about her, and don’t know how she would handle a divorce. She hasn’t worked in a dozen years and will likely have trouble adjusting to the work. I will likely have to sleep in an office, so I can continue to support my wife and kids, but feel I would be better off not taking the constant insults.
I feel my wife deserves to find someone who loves her and can be intimate with her.
I honestly just don’t know what to do. I feel so crushed. I was once very vibrant, I now feel like a shadow of what I should be.
Please, let me know any suggestions. I pray on this, a lot.
My husband thinks i am a bad sex partner,because I don’t start. My first sex expiriment was horribel.and I got afraid. My husband doesn’t take the time to ready me and when he is done he rolles over and goes to sleep. what a feeling.I don’t take about sex because it emberesses me and i feel I am not a woman. he thinks i shoud tell him exept he is the one who made me afraid and because i love him i don’t say anything.How do i make him understand with out hurting his feelings.
How about these
- Always let the kids/dogs sleep in the bed
- When getting intimate start talking about your day or something in the news
- Just lay there and let him/her go it it until they’re done
he is prob cheating on you sounds like it.
I don’t like #6, he is NEVER interested and he ALWAYS indicates that he dosn’t want to. So I either give up a sex life or get pushy, neither of which works for me because if I persist he gets mad. God it would be so nice if I was capable of seducing my husband, just once I think would be nice, he is always rejecting me. And this didn’t just happen sometime along our merry way this is from day one on our honeymoon, I feel like I never got a honeymoon phase. I saved myself for this jerk and he doesn’t want me and he dares to tell me it’s not because he doesn’t find me attractive?? Obviously I’m not attractive enough to attract him into bed. And I try to do things for him, make sure he is satisfied, he doesn’t want me to. When we do finally have sex he just wants to please me and skip intercourse. I hate it! That’s not intimacy I might as well get a vibrater! Part of my sexual needs are to satisfy my husband and I am infuriatinly and humilatingly unable to do so by his choice. I’m not fat, I’m not a stick anymore but I’m bot fat and I try to look my best for him. I’ve had to hide my lingerie because everytime I look at it it makes me cry. When I dress up in it he has a headache or a stomache ache or just honey not to tonight and than my favorite words come out of his mouth “honey don’t get mad” I’m sorry did you want me to be happy about your complate lack of desire for your wife? He says he worries I will have an affair because I am unhappy with his sex life. Obviously he doesn’t worry enought to care about fixing it. He wont see a doctor or counselor because like most problems in our marriage it’s not important to him. I despise him. He is my best friend but he is a horrible husband.
Isn’t that God gave us sex!
To enjoy it in a proper way!
A great article, helpful. I didn’t know christian organisations covered the topic of sex.