10 Things Guys Wish Women Knew about Men
It is likely no surprise to you that God has wired women and men differently. We all recognize some of these differences, but others often hide in plain sight. Shaunti Feldhahn, a nationally syndicated newspaper columnist, author and speaker recently wrote a fantastic book, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men. In it, she recounts the surprising truths she learned about men after interviewing more than one thousand of them. Not long ago, I had the opportunity to interview Shaunti for our radio broadcast, HomeWord with Jim Burns. In our discussion, we spoke about ten things guys wish women knew about men. I think you’ll find these ten things fascinating! Even more, I believe that in understanding these issues, you’ll be equipped to lead your marriage to a better place!
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- Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected. Husbands need to know that their wives respect them both privately and publicly. Men thrive when they know that their wives trust them, admire them and believe in them. Shaunti Feldhahn’s research indicated that men would rather sense the loss of loving feelings from their wives than to be disrespected by them.
- A man’s anger is often a response to feeling disrespected by his wife. When a husband becomes angry with his wife, he may not come out and say, “You’re disrespecting me!” But, there is a good likelihood that he is feeling stung by something his wife has done which he considers disrespectful and humiliating.
- Men are insecure. Men are afraid that they aren’t cutting it in life — not just at work, but at home, in their role as a husband. They may never vocalize this, but inwardly, they are secretly vulnerable. The antidote? Affirmation. To men, affirmation from their wives is everything! If they don’t receive this affirmation from their wives, they’ll seek it elsewhere. When they receive regular and genuine affirmation from their wives (not flattery, by the way), they become much more secure and confident in all areas of their lives.
- Men feel the burden of being the provider for their family. Intellectually, it doesn’t matter how much or little a man makes, or whether or not his wife makes more or less money in her career. Men simply bear the emotional burden of providing for their family. It’s not a burden they’ve chosen to bear. Men are simply wired with this burden. As such, it is never far from their minds and can result in the feeling of being trapped. While wives cannot release their husbands from this burden, they can relieve it through a healthy dose of appreciation, encouragement and support.
- Men want more sex. Everyone’s natural response to this is probably, “Duh!” But, that response is probably for the wrong reason. We primarily assume that men want more sex with their wives due to their physical wiring (their “needs”). But, surprisingly, Shaunti Feldhahn’s research showed that the reason men want more sex is because of their strong need to be desired by their wives. Men simply need to be wanted. Regular, fulfilling sex is critical to a man’s sense of feeling loved and desired.
- Sex means more than sex. When men feel their wives desire them sexually, it has a profound effect on the rest of their lives. It gives them an increasing sense of confidence and well-being that carries over into every other area of his life. The flipside of this coin also carries a profoundly negative affect. When a husband feels rejected sexually, he not only feels his wife is rejecting him physically, but that she is somehow rejecting his life as a husband, provider and man. This is why making sex a priority in marriage is so incredibly important!
- Men struggle with visual temptation. This means the vast majority of men respond to visual images when it comes to women. And, this doesn’t just mean the guys with wandering eyes. Even the most godly husband cannot avoid noticing a woman who dresses in a way that draws attention to her body. Even if it is just a glance, these visual images are stored away in the male brain as a sort of “visual rolodex” that will reappear without any warning. Men can choose whether to dwell on these images and memories or dismiss them, but they can’t control when these images appear.
- Men enjoy romance, but doubt their skills to be romantic. True, many men appear to be unromantic clods, but it doesn’t mean that they want to be that way! Men want to be romantic, but they just doubt their ability to pull it off. They are plagued by internal hesitations, perceiving the risk of humiliation and failure as too high. Wives can do a great deal to increase their husbands’ confidence in their romantic skills through encouragement and redefining what romance looks like. For example, a wife may balk when her husband asks her to go along to the hardware store, but it’s likely that he’s asking because he sees it as a time they can get away as a couple and hang out together. What’s not romantic about that?
- Men care about their wife’s appearance. This isn’t saying that all men want their wives to look like the latest supermodel. What men really want is to know that their wives are making an effort to take care of themselves (and not letting themselves go) because it matters to them (the husbands!). Husbands appreciate the efforts their wives make to maintain their attractiveness.
- Men want their wives to know how much they love them. This was the number one response of men. Men aren’t confident in their ability to express this, but they love their wives dearly. Men want to show how much they love their wives and long for them to understand this fact.
Very honest and well written Jane, i have to admit i would make a lousy woman, i don’t like organising things but, i do do the budget and we don’t have as many ups and downs as you seem to but life certainly wears you down sometimes. The repitition is what gets to me.
It goes both ways. Newsflash: women want mostly the same things. A few things are different. Some women may not bear the burden of responsiblity of providing for the family, but they do for caring and nurturing the family. Let’s face it, if it weren’t for the wives/mothers, Christmas and birthdays would barely happen. We do those extra things that bring the family together–that make those times special. It’s up to us to notice what is going on in the family. Who needs what–materially, spiritually, physically, emotionally. That is a tremendous burden. And as for money, I’m convinced women are better at taking care of that anyway. Some men lack the attention to detail necessary to take care of home finances. You can stand by your man with love and respect, and he will still let you down. But it’s not his fault. He’s human. Just like you. And you love him…very much. But over time, you are tired of being disappointed and you feel like you are invisible. Totally invisible–a shell of your former self with the profound sense that you’ve fallen short of your potential. You don’t blame him. It’s much bigger than that. It’s you and how you were raised and him and how he was raised and all the sucky things that happen in life and the mistakes you’ve made on the way. And you sort of stop caring. Except you can’t, because you are needed to motivate everyone. If the house, car, garage, finances, kids’ grades, physical health, or anything starts sliding, it is the woman who usually has to notice and say, “hey, do you think we should change this? Let’s make a plan or a list or a schedule or a budget…” So you both work at it for a while, until you get depressed and demoralized and things start to slide again, and then you start all over. And the man just keeps plodding away doing his job, kind of oblivious but with the faint sense that things just aren’t great and maybe sex will fix it. And God? How does he fit in? A far and distant entity that you love and know is there (just like your man), but a million, million miles away and prayer has become a duty that you do just like everything else and you feel you are letting God down by not being better, more motivated, less selfish, more appreciative of all that you have. There now I’ve said it. And I hope no one ever finds out I wrote this.
@ Candace,
I understand that often men don’t verbalize with words that they appreciate you as often it shows the shallowness of men. My own personal view on marriage is somewhat different than most males as it should be as the Bible teaches but most men only take half of what the Bible teaches on marriage. When Christ was on earth he built the church through 11 of the disciples with Peter being the rock. The 12th disciple Judas betrayed Christ and killed himself so their were 11 left. Christ taught them the new covenant which was he was crucified and died for our sins and so the 11 disciples and the followers could build the church. The Bible teaches that men should love their wives as Christ loved the church which meant that they should treat them so well that they should be prepared to die for there wives! But what most men read is wives submit to there husbands and forget the first part about being prepared to sacrifice ones life for there wives so often men are complete morons and become demanding due to their warped version of submissive.
When a man feels like he is desired by a woman it makes him want to do much more for his wife as he wants to be respected by her. One of the most important areas in a marriage which is often overlooked is to pray together as when we discuss issues such as your husband looking at other woman with desire in his eyes and asking God to forgive. Then the desire in his eyes for other woman will begin to fade and he will see you with the right desire. Prayer is the mediator as many couples who do not do this a wedge develops and the list that you read seems to be not right however if both are looking horizontal to Christ then it helps you deal with the vertical issues in life such as temptation. God Bless.
The visual tempatation piece worries me. I do not like that he thinks back on other women. he does have a past-we all do… I know this is not something I can control, but ‘I’ want to be his vision. How do I know if I am who he is thinking about and not an old flame that he sees out and about from time to time…
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I’m sorry to seem negative. But women really do so much for men already. At least in all my clan. Its men that need to do more for women. Men can have everything on that list when they learn to give a woman what she needs. Really. Her looks get better when he will actually NOTICE I am wearing something nice.. or made up my face and git a tan. But sorry ladies… when was the last time he said you look drop dead gorgeous tonight? Appreciate your husband?? How many husbands vocalize appreciation to their wives? We are just about serving our families around that clock. While they mostly just go to work end come home. I hate this list right now lol. Its for men I’ve never met anywhere. And sex?? I’ve been a beautiful woman all my life but he doesn’t care about that. He perks up for that other beauty in the room though. Men already think they are entitled to everything. Why are you empowering them with this list? Bah!
There is a LOT of power in a wife’s respect for her husband to revolutionize the marriage. I address this topic a lot on my blog if you are interested. http://Www.peacefulwife.wordpress.com. Praying for healthy, vibrant, intimate marriages!
men…..!
good article, thanks for letting women know that women and men are wired different and for reminding women about men
excellent. the use of the proper word to provide an explanation is everything. thank you.
Yeah, I’d say this list is pretty spot-on.
Great article,thought provoking.
Interesting perspective Mich! There are always two ways to look at things and I think in this case meskarune was thinking more about the importance of women knowing how to be financially responsible and how to take care of their financial lives which is a very valid point. The flip side is also true however, and that is that if her BF wanted her to pay for their dates then there was perhaps a deeper issue at work. Well said!
@ meskarune, if your BF has you paying for your dates . . . he’s probably not that into you! Will he expect you to pay half the bills when you have just had his baby/s? I’m not sure he’s a keeper. You sound very young and naive. :) Here’s the only test that will tell you: don’t sleep with him unless you are married to him. If he’s not willing to date you on those terms, he’s just using you, hon!
So glad that you found this article so helpful LM.Communication in the bedroom is definitely a challenge and something that needs to be developed. If this is an area that is threatening to your husband, then perhaps it would be good to see a counselor and have a third party help you to communicate more openly.
I like this post. My question is about the man wanting more sex. When his wife is not being fulfilled and actually dreads sex now,(even though she would normally have a high drive) because it has become so one sided, how can she let her desires be known, without telling him. I ask, because saying, “I like things this way” becomes a fight of him thinking he’s not desired at all.
Nice post!
However, do not ever forget your sex life, keep it alive and you will keep that guy forever. [Comment Redacted by Editor. Please see our Terms of Use]
Good luck :)
@meskarune: i’m not sure where you got a “power” issue from this. It’s about understanding your husband, not womens empowerment. This is a wonderful article. I wish my wife understood these things.
I am a man. I am not a wimp. This list is right on the mark.
I’m not married but this really helps in preparing for marriage. My desire is to be a good godly wife.
I learned more about men and relationships from this one article than from hundreds of others… combined. Mr. Burns… you’re a genius. Thank you so much for revealing these “secrets”!
Very insightful! Very much appreciated!
I think every wife should read this. It’s very enlighten information for all women but especially wives. Some of these things women don’t know! So thank you for sharing it.
“Husbands need to know that their wives respect them both privately and publicly. Men thrive when they know that their wives trust them, admire them and believe in them.”
If a guy doesn’t give me trust, encouragement and respect, he doesn’t deserve the same from me…
This list makes men sound like insecure wimps… I”m glad my BF isn’t like that. He fully expects and encourages me to be self sufficient money wise. Women need to have this. If their husband dies or becomes disabled, they need to have the confidence and experience to take care of things themselves. It also gives women equal power in the relationship. Men shouldn’t be threatened by this, because when the woman loves them, they won’t take advantage. (women have had to deal with this unequal power for generations, I think men can also)