10 Things Guys Wish Women Knew about Men
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It is likely no surprise to you that God has wired women and men differently. We all recognize some of these differences, but others often hide in plain sight. Shaunti Feldhahn, a nationally syndicated newspaper columnist, author and speaker recently wrote a fantastic book, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men. In it, she recounts the surprising truths she learned about men after interviewing more than one thousand of them.
Not long ago, I had the opportunity to interview Shaunti for our radio broadcast, HomeWord with Jim Burns. In our discussion, we spoke about ten things guys wish women knew about men.
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- Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected. Husbands need to know that their wives respect them both privately and publicly. Men thrive when they know that their wives trust them, admire them and believe in them. Shaunti Feldhahn’s research indicated that men would rather sense the loss of loving feelings from their wives than to be disrespected by them.
- A man’s anger is often a response to feeling disrespected by his wife. When a husband becomes angry with his wife, he may not come out and say, “You’re disrespecting me!” But, there is a good likelihood that he is feeling stung by something his wife has done which he considers disrespectful and humiliating.
- Men are insecure. Men are afraid that they aren’t cutting it in life — not just at work, but at home, in their role as a husband. They may never vocalize this, but inwardly, they are secretly vulnerable. The antidote? Affirmation. To men, affirmation from their wives is everything! If they don’t receive this affirmation from their wives, they’ll seek it elsewhere. When they receive regular and genuine affirmation from their wives (not flattery, by the way), they become much more secure and confident in all areas of their lives.
- Men feel the burden of being the provider for their family. Intellectually, it doesn’t matter how much or little a man makes, or whether or not his wife makes more or less money in her career. Men simply bear the emotional burden of providing for their family. It’s not a burden they’ve chosen to bear. Men are simply wired with this burden. As such, it is never far from their minds and can result in the feeling of being trapped. While wives cannot release their husbands from this burden, they can relieve it through a healthy dose of appreciation, encouragement and support.
- Men want more sex. Everyone’s natural response to this is probably, “Duh!” But, that response is probably for the wrong reason. We primarily assume that men want more sex with their wives due to their physical wiring (their “needs”). But, surprisingly, Shaunti Feldhahn’s research showed that the reason men want more sex is because of their strong need to be desired by their wives. Men simply need to be wanted. Regular, fulfilling sex is critical to a man’s sense of feeling loved and desired.
- Sex means more than sex. When men feel their wives desire them sexually, it has a profound effect on the rest of their lives. It gives them an increasing sense of confidence and well-being that carries over into every other area of his life. The flipside of this coin also carries a profoundly negative affect. When a husband feels rejected sexually, he not only feels his wife is rejecting him physically, but that she is somehow rejecting his life as a husband, provider and man. This is why making sex a priority in marriage is so incredibly important!
- Men struggle with visual temptation. This means the vast majority of men respond to visual images when it comes to women. And, this doesn’t just mean the guys with wandering eyes. Even the most godly husband cannot avoid noticing a woman who dresses in a way that draws attention to her body. Even if it is just a glance, these visual images are stored away in the male brain as a sort of “visual rolodex” that will reappear without any warning. Men can choose whether to dwell on these images and memories or dismiss them, but they can’t control when these images appear.
- Men enjoy romance, but doubt their skills to be romantic. True, many men appear to be unromantic clods, but it doesn’t mean that they want to be that way! Men want to be romantic, but they just doubt their ability to pull it off. They are plagued by internal hesitations, perceiving the risk of humiliation and failure as too high. Wives can do a great deal to increase their husbands’ confidence in their romantic skills through encouragement and redefining what romance looks like. For example, a wife may balk when her husband asks her to go along to the hardware store, but it’s likely that he’s asking because he sees it as a time they can get away as a couple and hang out together. What’s not romantic about that?
- Men care about their wife’s appearance. This isn’t saying that all men want their wives to look like the latest supermodel. What men really want is to know that their wives are making an effort to take care of themselves (and not letting themselves go) because it matters to them (the husbands!). Husbands appreciate the efforts their wives make to maintain their attractiveness.
- Men want their wives to know how much they love them. This was the number one response of men. Men aren’t confident in their ability to express this, but they love their wives dearly. Men want to show how much they love their wives and long for them to understand this fact.
Take your relationship even further:
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Christina, I’m so sorry your relationships have not led to marriage. You might want a guy’s perspective: many/most guys are disinclined to marry a woman who has been with other guys. A potential wife is evaluated as a potential mother, and her having been with other guys and even her willingness to have sex with the potential husband before marriage are not at all what a man wants in a wife/mother. You will never lose a man who truly loves you by saying you are waiting until marriage to have sex. You will lose many by being willing to have sex outside marriage. Also, the more men a woman is with bf marriage, the more likely she will divorce. It’s hard to bond with a husband after bonding with even a few men bf marriage. This may be a good time to reevaluate your goals and values. I’m wishing you a long, very happy marriage with a man who truly loves and genuinely respects you. You might check out chastity dot com. Best wishes and you and your future husband and children will be in my prayers! :)
Christina,
I kind of winced in hearing you say that men need more respect and regular sex! I hope there are a lot of other men besides me that are looking for a whole lot more than that.
I think you may be right – the “alpha male” and charisma are unfortunately often associated with disrespectful and abusive characteristics. In fact, I’d say that an excess of charisma is a sure sign that this person is going to be pretty self-centered. Being the alpha male is a lot about dominance, which doesn’t really lead to success in long-term commitment. It may also be that they are looking for a more “submissive” mate, and the fact that they don’t want a commitment with you may be a testament to your healthy boundaries and good sense, neither of which works well for someone who is bent on controlling or dominating their partner.
Maybe you can open yourself up to a different kind of guy who is a little more secure with emotional give-and-take and less concerned with impressing you? You’ve kind of identified the problem – what keeps you from considering someone with a little less charisma and a little more internal strength?
Age:27
From the midwest
I learned a lot from reading this article. I best understand through practice that showing respect and regular sex are cornerstones of a healthy relationship. However I must be missing something bc I notice that the level of commitment I want (long term) never really plays out well. And when I say this I mean I’m always the last gf and then the very next woman will become the. Wife. So what I’m I forgetting to do? Or is it possible I am choosing the wrong type of man? I have a tendency to choose the alpa male I’m attracted to the charisma. What’s good? My biological clock is ticking! Jk…kinda
That’s a good point kmb. I appreciate you pointing out scriptures that remind husbands to also show respect.
It sounds like you have some insight in this area. If you ever feel compelled to write an article about husbands respecting wives and kids feel free to submit it to out editorial department and they may just post it. You can see some guidelines for our contributors and the way to make a submission at http://powertochange.com/truthmedia/writeforus
Steve, while I didn’t mean to steal any thunder from your upcoming book with that Ricki Lake line, I am sure you would have to agree that our culture overwhelms us with advice on what women want and need (or in the case of your book, want but don’t need). It is self evident that it is incumbent on both partners to give what they expect to receive in return in a relationship. But for me the article served an important purpose in highlighting the relative importance that men place on feeling respected over feeling loved. Naturally, this insight does not in any way diminish my responsibility to treat my partner in the way that she needs, but it has helped us both to understand the dynamics of our relationship.
Men have a natural desire for respect. Many of our natural tendencies are unhealthy and destructive when not brought into subjection to the Word of God.
Both men and women should be respected, and both men and women have a responsibility to show respect. Contrary to popular belief, respect is not one dimensional (NIV 1 Peter 2:17).
Sometimes, you need to SOW a thing in order to REAP it. No offense, but in my personal experience and observation, men who are constantly complaining about feeling disrespected are usually very disrespectful to others. They practice the very same disrespectful behavior that they accuse others of. There seems to be this sort of unspoken consensus that says husbands deserve respect from their wives, but husbands don’t have to give it. This is a common misgiving. Many wives desire respect from their husbands, and husbands are actually admonished to treat their wives with respect (NIV 1Peter 3:7). Many translations use the word “honor” here; the lexicon lists the word “respect” as an appropriate synonym for the original Greek word.
I understand that these points are about how a husband FEELS. Everyone has feelings. However, as Christians, we are not to be led or controlled by our feelings. We are human and our feelings will often betray us (James 1:14). That’s why our feelings need to be brought into subjection to the Word of God.
I strongly believe that husbands should be respected, but I also believe that husbands should be admonished to show respect to their wives and children. There aren’t nearly enough articles written about that.
thank you all for posting your comments, good discussion.
Jamie, that is very well said! I would only add that men have more physical power in general and have traditionally been granted more power in our society, which includes the power to do more harm, but also the power to do more good. If “the man is head of the family as Jesus is head of the Church,” it implies that the man needs to set the example, as the person who has more power and authority, and make the sacrifice of showing his love and making it safe for the woman to be vulnerable and show hers. I have always found it most effective to set my own standards for what I should do to be a loving husband first, and only then to communicate to my partner what I need and want from her. Again, from the Bible, “Remove not the speck from thy brother’s eye when there is a log in your own!” We have to be what we want to see in our partners, and saying we “feel disrespected” is not an excuse for falling down from that ideal. Of course, we are all flawed, but unless we set a standard with our own behavior, it’s not right to expect it from our partners.
As for those destructive people, I totally agree that we still need to be loving in our response to them. But we don’t need to take them on as partners with a mission to heal them, as women are often encouraged to do by our modern concepts of romance. We do best to be clear where our boundaries are, as your example of Jesus in the temple certainly sets out. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is to let someone know when they are harming themselves or others in a caring but firm way, and let them know that we will not participate in their destructive actions. Then it’s between them and the Higher Power.
Thanks for your strong and inspiring words.
—- Steve
Hi LMJ, have you talked to him about that? I don’t mean by accusing, “You never spend enough time with me!” but by sitting down and looking him deeply in the eyes and sharing your heart with him. Letting him know how you are hurting. Paint a picture of how you think things could be different. Asking him how you have let him down and how your actions and attitudes have driven him away from you.
You are totally NOT asking for too much but if you guys are going to really be able to serve each other it is going to have to be with the attitude of being a team and not as opponents taking accusing, critical shots at one another.
Does that make sense?
James, that is so cool that the two of you talked through this. That is such a big part of what is needed. It’s like what Steve said, “If men want respect, they need to grow up and learn to ask for it, as well as explaining what it means to them.” Being willing to talk through stuff even though it is hard, the danger of misunderstanding is huge and we might not even understand it ourselves, when we talk about such deeply vulnerable issues we open ourselves up to each other and that is where love grows. It takes away the disappointment of assumptions and expectations. It lays a path of mutual understanding and cooperation.
I guess what I am saying is, don’t worry if too much damage has already been done. Keep talking. Keep taking risks of vulnerability and being misunderstood. Don’t let stuff hang out there: deal with it and push hard towards mutual understanding. That is part of love and respect. If you do that, the sky is the limit for how much you are able to atone for the damage you have caused.
It’s a vicious cycle isn’t it Steve: if men wait until their wives respect them before they will respond in a love the relationship is likely doomed. Similarly, if a woman waits for her husband to act in a loving way to her before she gives him any respect the end is not far behind. That is why individuals in healthy marriages do not wait. Their acts are not based on what their spouse does but on the commitment that they made to that other person. Ideally, both husband and wife are willing to sacrifice their own needs in order to meet the needs of their mate. In the end they both are drawn into deeper love for one another because both are getting their needs met by the one another.
But in reality we know that people are not perfect and we are prone to self-centeredness which often ends up building walls in relationships. That’s why it is important for me to make the choice to sacrifice my needs so that I can serve my wife. I don’t wait for her to respect me. Part of my motivation (selfishly) is that if I love her well she will be more inclined to respect me, but I can’t let that determine my actions. And I love her so much that I want to see her become all that God has intended her to be so even if she never reciprocates I want to serve her so that she can reach that God-ordained potential.
So men, discover what your wife needs and do whatever you can to meet those needs. Women, discover what your husband needs and serve those needs better and better each day. Choose to love, choose to respect and find your fulfillment in that service rather than how you are served. I love the example that Jesus set for us. He didn’t love humanity because of all that humanity did for Him. The fact is that humanity wanted nothing to do with Him. And yet He made the ultimate sacrifice in order to express His love to each and every one of us. I know in my heart His love for me has awakened my love for Him. I am definitely motivated to sacrifice myself to love Him and to love the ones He has loved. In fact, His love for me motivates my love and sacrifice for my wife. One of Jesus disciples reminds us that “we love because He first loved us” (1John 4:19) so my love for others is initiated and sourced by Jesus’ love for me.
Not only is Jesus the source of the love that I give to others but He also helps me to know how to love. He leads me each moment of the day to know how to respond to people. As you say Steve, there are some people out there who are hurtful and abusive. I don’t know what they need in order to change; sometimes it is a humble love that submits just like Jesus submitted to the crowds who demanded His death. Sometimes they need a strong declaration of truth and justice like when Jesus stood up to the religious leaders of His day and condemned them for their self-righteous attitudes and abusiveness to others. I don’t know what a person needs but Jesus does. He helps me to know if I should stand up and call someone out on something or if I turn the other cheek in love and remain in a place of vulnerability to win someone over. I can’t tell you how freeing it is to know that Jesus is directing my words and actions perfectly for what that person needs. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t always follow His direction perfectly but I have the confidence that as I listen to His direction I will be responding exactly as that person needs.
So let me encourage you all, take a look at Jesus. Discover for yourself how He loves you. Allow His love to transform you and direct you. I guarantee you will never be disappointed! One place to start is at http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/discoverpurpose. There you will find out about Jesus love and how you can respond to it. You can also connect with one of our online mentors who can help explain how Jesus’ love can make a difference in your life. Just fill out the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor and one of our mentors will send you an email.
I agree with Candace and Jane. I think a lot of this is true, but the tenor of the remarks tends to put the emphasis on men’s vulnerability and a woman’s responsibility to “make him feel OK.” It is good to understand these things, but some of them (the “need to feel respected” and the personal insecurity) are also highly associated with abusive men when present in the extreme. (See my soon to be released book, “Jerk Radar: How to Stop a Bad Relationship Before It Starts” for more on this topic!)
Women are constantly receiving the message that men need their woman to take care of them for them to be successful. Well, the reverse is also true, and women deserve to be shown the same kind of respect that their man is asking of them. Until this happens, women will be made more vulnerable to abusive predators and insecure, clinging narcissists by this kind of article. And men will continue to be encouraged to hide their vulnerability and make it tough for women to connect with them.
If men want respect, they need to grow up and learn to ask for it, as well as explaining what it means to them. I know we do a crappy job of teaching our boys how to do this, but I don’t think that is an excuse. As long as the woman is always having to make all the adjustments to “take care of” her man and make sure he feels OK, a relationship will not be able to truly mature and meet the needs of both partners.
— Steve
Jamie, sorry for the delay in replying. I think the biggest revelation for me was the distinction made in the article between love and respect. I had been feeling that there was something “wrong” with my partner’s feelings for me and could only put it down to her not loving me enough or in the right way, even though I knew that wasn’t really it. To me the word respect has always been a kind of throw-away line from a Ricki Lake show – you know “kick him to the kerb if he don’t respect you girl” that kind of thing. Despite having my fair share of long relationships, I had never realised that it was something that I needed to feel from a woman. To me feeling love for someone and being loved by them were the only way I had to express what we both fundamentally needed from a relationship. Basically if we both felt enough love for each other, everything should fall into place. But I now can see so clearly that what I am missing is a feeling that my partner RESPECTS me and not just loves me. As stated in the article and backed up by the research, this feels infinitely more important to me, than being told regularly how much she loves me.
After many failed attempts to explain my feelings to my partner, she can also now see it and it is really like a veil has been lifted (for both of us). She finally understands what I had not understood myself for so long and is committed to trying to show that she respects me. But at this point, I really don’t know if too much damage has already been done and I guess this was the main point I was trying to make in my original post. I think it is really valuable for women to at least be aware of this so that they know what men need, even if their men don’t know themselves.
p.s. I realise I’ve talked exclusively about what I feel men need from their partner, as that was the focus of the article. That’s obviously not discounting in any way what women want and need from men. Once again thanks so much for the article.
If men want wives to know they love them, then why not show it? I don’t mean by providing. That looks like a man is showing his wife that she is an obligation. Why can’t he hold her when she cries, spend time with her instead of a majority of his time with his hobbies, take her side and not just make excuses for everyone else? Why can’t he act like her hero, instead if everyone else’s. Why can’t he just hug her or kiss her and not just want a roll in the hay?
Maybe I am asking too much. Because, right now I feel like an obligation, not someone who is loved.
Well said Jake….if only we could think rather than react, trust rather than believe the worst, and love even when we don’t feel like loving….we cannot do any of these things in our own strength, but only as we truly begin to take every thought captive and allow God to makeover our hearts and minds.
Thank you Kate! I agree with you as well. Our trust in the flesh or in man and our own philosophies take us out of the guidance from our Father in Heaven. It says we won’t follow and be obedient to the commandments and strive to follow Jesus example. It creates blindness as we harden our hearts and allow the body and Satan to gain power over us.
The straight and narrow you pointed out is that one TRUE way that sets us free if we have faith to be obedient and DO as we are asked. We then will have the truths revealed and reap what we sow in riteousness. I hope everyone can have the courage to recognize our emotions and selfishness that lead us away from harmony and towards contention, doubt, fear, anger confusion and all that are the symptons and results of Satans power and influence.
I hope we all can choose to lead our emotions and our hearts rather than be led by our hearts which deceive us. I hope we can strive to be like Jesus and be slow to speak and quick to listen and agree.
Help that other person in your life feel treassured and be Holy to each other which is more than to just respect each other, but to raise them above any other human being and relationship in your life.
Don’t let the deseptions of this world like lust, the pride of your heart in needing to be right, nor the pain of the past keep you from doing what is righteous today. Its a choice, a decision to master your self and overcome the things that we do that get in the way of true love and happiness. Make love and patience be the governing characteristics of who you are and just DO the right things and endure what is difficult. In time your efforts will bring on the miracles and blessings we are promised and you will receive your rewards with true love, and a relationship that is Holy with your spouse.
Jake, thank you for your thoughtful comments! I agree with you entirely that we need to be especially vigilant in our relationships. There is no place that Satan loves to wreak greater havoc than in the hearts of men and women, because he knows our hearts are our control centre. That is why, as you said, setting our hearts on the Lord Jesus is the only safe, sure way to navigate the many pitfalls and stay on the straight and narrow. This straight and narrow path may not seem logically to be the most attractive, because even our logic has been damaged by the fall, but Jesus said it is indeed the only way to peace, joy and the love that we all crave. The truth is that only the pursuit of holiness, that is selflessness, is truly rewarding, all else is but sinking sand.
Thank you again for wise words.
I can’t help but feel the contention in these remarks and comments. It feels like there are a lot of man haters here. It sounds like a lot of women have been let down by their men, and I know a lot of men have been let down by women. Nothing good comes from contention and battling selfish perceptions and creating disharmony. It all comes down to a decission. Am I committed and am I willing to do everythin it takes to have an amazing relationship. Its harder when only one person does this in a relationship of course, so its better when people can communicate and align their commitments and priorities to bring harmony and love. Learning to do the right things is a process that comes much easier when you have committed people. But when selfish outlooks are looking at what the other isn’t doing or waiting for the other to try first or do first in order to make it fair, then that always is going to set things up for failure and dissapointment. A muture relationship doesn’t wait for the other. Thats not love. To say I will love you if…. Ot yo say I will give you what you need if you give me this… Thats the problem today. Everyone is saying what’s in it for me, I need my needs met. Your responsibility is to desire to meet your spouse’s needs, and them your needs. But as long as people are waiting for the other to show things first then thats not a marriage its a partnership. It says as long as things are going good we can continue this, but if things go bad we’re done or you’re going to have to fix it before I return any favors. Thats straight selfishness and is exactly what satan uses as our own knowledge that exists in our minds over what Gods knowledge truly teaches us. It’s is easy to love your enemy if they are kind to you for the moment. Look at what affairs are. The enemy comes in showers someone with all sorts of fake love, lusts for another person and creates an infatuation. That person in many cases makes people believe that what they feel is real enough to lie, cheat and break vows hurting spouse’s, children, family and friends in the process. This is how Satan uses our hearts to deceive us and destroy our lives. In that affair we thought we were so happy until the enemy is finally revealed to be an enemy and not a lover. If they truly cared for you they wouldn’t let you hurt others like your children. They selfishly think they can be everything you need for the moment and then when everything turns and the inftuation is gone you realize you treated no better than a prostitute on the corner, but worse. Like a wolf in sheeps clothing you were deceived.
This is what Satan does and as long as we rely on our own understandings the target is constantly moving in the goals of a marriage since our emotions are inconsistent and constantly reacting to eachothers reactions turning things into a tennis match, a game that someone ultimatly has to lose and when one loses you both lose.
When we stop waiting for the other and put our sites on the consistent target of the teachings of our Heavenly Father then we can stop the back and forth garbage and moving targets of selfishness and emotions that lead us. We can then lead our emotions to where they need to be and selflessly be their for our spouse as they need us to be and start to draw closer to eachother as God intended.
So James, what do you do with information like this? How are these points going to make a difference in the way that you relate to your wife/girlfriend?
The first 3 points could have been written just for me. It has certainly helped to clarify emotions I have been feeling but have been unable to articulate in my relationship. I hope this is circulated widely so that women at least know what it is that men feel/need – even if they are not willing to act on it.
Thanks for weighing in Alazer and Richy. I guess it really comes down to the fact that our experiences impact how we see this. Making any kind of generalization is never a good thing. Let’s not attack one another when we respond.
@Candace : That’s a nice one haha!
Great Article!
Meskarune : Good saying, I agreed, but Mich comment is true, too!
Angel : Guess that’s the difference between men and women. To be honest, women can do that, too. To me it’s all about self-control in this case.
Great Article !
Meskarune : Good saying, i agreed , but Mich comment is so right, too.
Angel : Yes indeed. Maybe this is the difference between men and women, to be honest, women can be like that, too. I think it’s all depends on self control ;)
@ Candace
Men feeling entitled to everything? What a joke. I work mostly with women and in school I’m taking a major that has a 2:1 female to male ratio. You should hear just one week’s worth of the putrefaction I hear issued forth from these dating and engaged women. The men I know often interrogate their realm of rights and wants, whereas the women I know shamelessly shout their sense of entitlement.
Thank you Jane and Peter for sharing,
I can relate to the that sense of the mundane, life becoming a ritual day after day, the sense that life becomes just about paying the bills and keeping the balls up in the air. Sometimes you don’t even know why anymore, but you do it anyway. Theres no room for doing what you really want, or maybe feel detached from it. At least thats how I experienced things sometimes when life becomes Life-less.
What changed it for me was when I just surrendered it all. Just sort of rested and admitted to God everything I was feeling. I’m so grateful the God can handle all the negative feelings and thoughts that we have, even about Him himself. I remember feeling frustrated, then it gave me the push to cry out to Him, a little bit out of bitterness at the situation, but at least it was to Him.
After that, people, events, and messages crossed my path that ended up opening a floodgate of Life to pour back in. I began to see God orchestrating miracles again and joy and peace that can only come from Him came back into my life. I experienced the answer to prayers and answer to what I didn’t even pray for.
I pray for you both that you will soon begin to experience more Life in your lives..more healing, change for the better, renewal, restoration, a rebirth of love, wholeness, growth…Life. I pray for a closer relationship with God as the source of Life, which will create ripples of change in your lives that bring the desires of your heart. Sometimes when we get calcified, we feel God is distant, but He is right there. Sometimes we have to go through certain seasons to get to the other side of where He wants us, but He’s right there. He really does have amazing love for us.
John 10:10 – The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.
May He surprise you very very soon,
in Christ’s love,
Rashiel
Very honest and well written Jane, i have to admit i would make a lousy woman, i don’t like organising things but, i do do the budget and we don’t have as many ups and downs as you seem to but life certainly wears you down sometimes. The repitition is what gets to me.
It goes both ways. Newsflash: women want mostly the same things. A few things are different. Some women may not bear the burden of responsiblity of providing for the family, but they do for caring and nurturing the family. Let’s face it, if it weren’t for the wives/mothers, Christmas and birthdays would barely happen. We do those extra things that bring the family together–that make those times special. It’s up to us to notice what is going on in the family. Who needs what–materially, spiritually, physically, emotionally. That is a tremendous burden. And as for money, I’m convinced women are better at taking care of that anyway. Some men lack the attention to detail necessary to take care of home finances. You can stand by your man with love and respect, and he will still let you down. But it’s not his fault. He’s human. Just like you. And you love him…very much. But over time, you are tired of being disappointed and you feel like you are invisible. Totally invisible–a shell of your former self with the profound sense that you’ve fallen short of your potential. You don’t blame him. It’s much bigger than that. It’s you and how you were raised and him and how he was raised and all the sucky things that happen in life and the mistakes you’ve made on the way. And you sort of stop caring. Except you can’t, because you are needed to motivate everyone. If the house, car, garage, finances, kids’ grades, physical health, or anything starts sliding, it is the woman who usually has to notice and say, “hey, do you think we should change this? Let’s make a plan or a list or a schedule or a budget…” So you both work at it for a while, until you get depressed and demoralized and things start to slide again, and then you start all over. And the man just keeps plodding away doing his job, kind of oblivious but with the faint sense that things just aren’t great and maybe sex will fix it. And God? How does he fit in? A far and distant entity that you love and know is there (just like your man), but a million, million miles away and prayer has become a duty that you do just like everything else and you feel you are letting God down by not being better, more motivated, less selfish, more appreciative of all that you have. There now I’ve said it. And I hope no one ever finds out I wrote this.
@ Candace,
I understand that often men don’t verbalize with words that they appreciate you as often it shows the shallowness of men. My own personal view on marriage is somewhat different than most males as it should be as the Bible teaches but most men only take half of what the Bible teaches on marriage. When Christ was on earth he built the church through 11 of the disciples with Peter being the rock. The 12th disciple Judas betrayed Christ and killed himself so their were 11 left. Christ taught them the new covenant which was he was crucified and died for our sins and so the 11 disciples and the followers could build the church. The Bible teaches that men should love their wives as Christ loved the church which meant that they should treat them so well that they should be prepared to die for there wives! But what most men read is wives submit to there husbands and forget the first part about being prepared to sacrifice ones life for there wives so often men are complete morons and become demanding due to their warped version of submissive.
When a man feels like he is desired by a woman it makes him want to do much more for his wife as he wants to be respected by her. One of the most important areas in a marriage which is often overlooked is to pray together as when we discuss issues such as your husband looking at other woman with desire in his eyes and asking God to forgive. Then the desire in his eyes for other woman will begin to fade and he will see you with the right desire. Prayer is the mediator as many couples who do not do this a wedge develops and the list that you read seems to be not right however if both are looking horizontal to Christ then it helps you deal with the vertical issues in life such as temptation. God Bless.
The visual tempatation piece worries me. I do not like that he thinks back on other women. he does have a past-we all do… I know this is not something I can control, but ‘I’ want to be his vision. How do I know if I am who he is thinking about and not an old flame that he sees out and about from time to time…
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I’m sorry to seem negative. But women really do so much for men already. At least in all my clan. Its men that need to do more for women. Men can have everything on that list when they learn to give a woman what she needs. Really. Her looks get better when he will actually NOTICE I am wearing something nice.. or made up my face and git a tan. But sorry ladies… when was the last time he said you look drop dead gorgeous tonight? Appreciate your husband?? How many husbands vocalize appreciation to their wives? We are just about serving our families around that clock. While they mostly just go to work end come home. I hate this list right now lol. Its for men I’ve never met anywhere. And sex?? I’ve been a beautiful woman all my life but he doesn’t care about that. He perks up for that other beauty in the room though. Men already think they are entitled to everything. Why are you empowering them with this list? Bah!
There is a LOT of power in a wife’s respect for her husband to revolutionize the marriage. I address this topic a lot on my blog if you are interested. http://Www.peacefulwife.wordpress.com. Praying for healthy, vibrant, intimate marriages!
men…..!
good article, thanks for letting women know that women and men are wired different and for reminding women about men
excellent. the use of the proper word to provide an explanation is everything. thank you.
Yeah, I’d say this list is pretty spot-on.
Great article,thought provoking.
Interesting perspective Mich! There are always two ways to look at things and I think in this case meskarune was thinking more about the importance of women knowing how to be financially responsible and how to take care of their financial lives which is a very valid point. The flip side is also true however, and that is that if her BF wanted her to pay for their dates then there was perhaps a deeper issue at work. Well said!
@ meskarune, if your BF has you paying for your dates . . . he’s probably not that into you! Will he expect you to pay half the bills when you have just had his baby/s? I’m not sure he’s a keeper. You sound very young and naive. :) Here’s the only test that will tell you: don’t sleep with him unless you are married to him. If he’s not willing to date you on those terms, he’s just using you, hon!
So glad that you found this article so helpful LM.Communication in the bedroom is definitely a challenge and something that needs to be developed. If this is an area that is threatening to your husband, then perhaps it would be good to see a counselor and have a third party help you to communicate more openly.
I like this post. My question is about the man wanting more sex. When his wife is not being fulfilled and actually dreads sex now,(even though she would normally have a high drive) because it has become so one sided, how can she let her desires be known, without telling him. I ask, because saying, “I like things this way” becomes a fight of him thinking he’s not desired at all.
Nice post!
However, do not ever forget your sex life, keep it alive and you will keep that guy forever. [Comment Redacted by Editor. Please see our Terms of Use]
Good luck :)
@meskarune: i’m not sure where you got a “power” issue from this. It’s about understanding your husband, not womens empowerment. This is a wonderful article. I wish my wife understood these things.
I am a man. I am not a wimp. This list is right on the mark.
I’m not married but this really helps in preparing for marriage. My desire is to be a good godly wife.
I learned more about men and relationships from this one article than from hundreds of others… combined. Mr. Burns… you’re a genius. Thank you so much for revealing these “secrets”!
Very insightful! Very much appreciated!
I think every wife should read this. It’s very enlighten information for all women but especially wives. Some of these things women don’t know! So thank you for sharing it.
“Husbands need to know that their wives respect them both privately and publicly. Men thrive when they know that their wives trust them, admire them and believe in them.”
If a guy doesn’t give me trust, encouragement and respect, he doesn’t deserve the same from me…
This list makes men sound like insecure wimps… I”m glad my BF isn’t like that. He fully expects and encourages me to be self sufficient money wise. Women need to have this. If their husband dies or becomes disabled, they need to have the confidence and experience to take care of things themselves. It also gives women equal power in the relationship. Men shouldn’t be threatened by this, because when the woman loves them, they won’t take advantage. (women have had to deal with this unequal power for generations, I think men can also)