10 Things Guys Wish Women Knew about Men
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It is likely no surprise to you that God has wired women and men differently. We all recognize some of these differences, but others often hide in plain sight. Shaunti Feldhahn, a nationally syndicated newspaper columnist, author and speaker recently wrote a fantastic book, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men. In it, she recounts the surprising truths she learned about men after interviewing more than one thousand of them.
Not long ago, I had the opportunity to interview Shaunti for our radio broadcast, HomeWord with Jim Burns. In our discussion, we spoke about ten things guys wish women knew about men.
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- Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected. Husbands need to know that their wives respect them both privately and publicly. Men thrive when they know that their wives trust them, admire them and believe in them. Shaunti Feldhahn’s research indicated that men would rather sense the loss of loving feelings from their wives than to be disrespected by them.
- A man’s anger is often a response to feeling disrespected by his wife. When a husband becomes angry with his wife, he may not come out and say, “You’re disrespecting me!” But, there is a good likelihood that he is feeling stung by something his wife has done which he considers disrespectful and humiliating.
- Men are insecure. Men are afraid that they aren’t cutting it in life — not just at work, but at home, in their role as a husband. They may never vocalize this, but inwardly, they are secretly vulnerable. The antidote? Affirmation. To men, affirmation from their wives is everything! If they don’t receive this affirmation from their wives, they’ll seek it elsewhere. When they receive regular and genuine affirmation from their wives (not flattery, by the way), they become much more secure and confident in all areas of their lives.
- Men feel the burden of being the provider for their family. Intellectually, it doesn’t matter how much or little a man makes, or whether or not his wife makes more or less money in her career. Men simply bear the emotional burden of providing for their family. It’s not a burden they’ve chosen to bear. Men are simply wired with this burden. As such, it is never far from their minds and can result in the feeling of being trapped. While wives cannot release their husbands from this burden, they can relieve it through a healthy dose of appreciation, encouragement and support.
- Men want more sex. Everyone’s natural response to this is probably, “Duh!” But, that response is probably for the wrong reason. We primarily assume that men want more sex with their wives due to their physical wiring (their “needs”). But, surprisingly, Shaunti Feldhahn’s research showed that the reason men want more sex is because of their strong need to be desired by their wives. Men simply need to be wanted. Regular, fulfilling sex is critical to a man’s sense of feeling loved and desired.
- Sex means more than sex. When men feel their wives desire them sexually, it has a profound effect on the rest of their lives. It gives them an increasing sense of confidence and well-being that carries over into every other area of his life. The flipside of this coin also carries a profoundly negative affect. When a husband feels rejected sexually, he not only feels his wife is rejecting him physically, but that she is somehow rejecting his life as a husband, provider and man. This is why making sex a priority in marriage is so incredibly important!
- Men struggle with visual temptation. This means the vast majority of men respond to visual images when it comes to women. And, this doesn’t just mean the guys with wandering eyes. Even the most godly husband cannot avoid noticing a woman who dresses in a way that draws attention to her body. Even if it is just a glance, these visual images are stored away in the male brain as a sort of “visual rolodex” that will reappear without any warning. Men can choose whether to dwell on these images and memories or dismiss them, but they can’t control when these images appear.
- Men enjoy romance, but doubt their skills to be romantic. True, many men appear to be unromantic clods, but it doesn’t mean that they want to be that way! Men want to be romantic, but they just doubt their ability to pull it off. They are plagued by internal hesitations, perceiving the risk of humiliation and failure as too high. Wives can do a great deal to increase their husbands’ confidence in their romantic skills through encouragement and redefining what romance looks like. For example, a wife may balk when her husband asks her to go along to the hardware store, but it’s likely that he’s asking because he sees it as a time they can get away as a couple and hang out together. What’s not romantic about that?
- Men care about their wife’s appearance. This isn’t saying that all men want their wives to look like the latest supermodel. What men really want is to know that their wives are making an effort to take care of themselves (and not letting themselves go) because it matters to them (the husbands!). Husbands appreciate the efforts their wives make to maintain their attractiveness.
- Men want their wives to know how much they love them. This was the number one response of men. Men aren’t confident in their ability to express this, but they love their wives dearly. Men want to show how much they love their wives and long for them to understand this fact.
Take your relationship even further:
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I have to agree with Jamie that there is a lot of emotion coming out in the comments as a result of some hurtful relationships that people are in. Just because some men are abusive, or sluggards, or selfish doesn’t mean that all men are that way, anymore than all women are one way or another. Which is why I have to disagree with your comment Fabian because not all women want to be treated as women only at their convenience. Yes, it is true in the case of some women but then none of us are perfect.
In all relationships there needs to be both love and respect. As we try to show that we will be able to build healthy love relationships with our spouses. That is the aim after all.
Again, again and again this article is not intended for “everyone” I believe. Also if you want to read on how to make a woman happy “google” it. I believe this article is good and right on point on how men feel about woman, and yes I agree men have responsibilities to he’s family.
Sadly to say these days woman would like to be treated as woman only at their convenience, when is right for them, I agree with woman’s rights and all so let’s split everything in half. However that’s not what i want, I am not gay and I don’t want another men as a wife I want woman. A lot of woman these days confuse what equal right means and manipulate it to their convenience, they want a successful man that is romantic and gives them everything so “maybe” they can get turn on that way. That is impossible and a successful romantic men are made not found some where for your convenience. I like this article it makes sense, if you are with a man that is worth fighting for this is definitely good advice.
There sure is a lot of emotion in the comments here. It seems to me that some people are taking their own experiences and projecting them onto all relationships. I can see why it is so hard to build a healthy love relationship after one that has been so hurtful.
I think there is some valuable content to the conversation but I would like to ask that we all refrain from hurtful comments to individuals and sweeping generalizations about a group as a whole. Perhaps if we talked about our own past experiences there could be some valuable lessons learned.
Tracy,
No one’s suggesting a demand for respect. The advice in this article seems to be for people who are already in loving, committed relationships. The article is suggesting that you outwardly respect a man that you probably already love and respect, assuming that it is a healthy relationship, of course. I think it’s sick that you are demeaning the innate needs that men have. Tell me, would it be okay for a man to suggest that your innate needs are just a pity party, and that you need to just suck it up and deal with it? Some women love to talk about what’s wrong with the men they’re with, specifically regarding how, to them, men don’t care about their innate emotional needs (as well as other needs for that matter), yet then they complain when men are open and honest about the needs they have. It seems like you have a double standard there.
I mean, there is a biological basis for the needs that men have, just like there is a biological basis for the needs women have. Oh, and perhaps if you stopped demeaning men, then they might be everything that you expect them to be. I mean, if you treat them like they’re a self-centered, weak, childish prick, than all they’ll ever be is a self-centered, weak, childish prick. So, perhaps you should stop being so narcisitic, and have some appreciation for the decent men who are out there.
So, I should respect my husband even if he doesn’t give me appreciation and time after all I have done for him? Brought him here to the US, my parents gave us money to support our starting family. He’s nicer to his friends than to me his wife and his family (mom, sisters). He gambles, spends all our money there, gets mad at me for spending $300/month for groceries, tell me that anyone can do housechores that its no big deal if I do it for him, gave him great sex I am sexy, pretty(used to be UFC round girl),& smart(I graduated as a doctor from my country) cooked good food, I work too, took care of our baby, paid his credit cards, and after all these years of crap when he stopped gambling, he wants to get rid of me cause he said he never loved me and he wants to date other people so that he has a story to tell our son when he grows up? Story of what that he chose his selfishness over his family and the way he treats women? Respect is earned for those people who deserve them…I guess I am stupid when it comes to love, can’t believe I put up with that crap for 3 yrs of marriage………hoping for the best so that my son will have a whole family, but you can only do so much….
Tracey,
You are correct. Respect is earned. Respect, trust, admiration, and reputation is based on PAST performance, not future. The future is unknown. Our decision are based on facts. Not hopes. At least in my case. I respect and admire my wife based on all the years of being married to her. I do NOT expect her to automatically give me respect or any other person.
And finally, my 3rd comment.
If you are a Christian, your security should not be found on anyone including your spouse. Especially for men, your sense of self-worth and security should reside within your identity in Christ, and how much you are honoring your given responsibilities in God.
Respect amongst human is earned not demanded. This article asks the women to respect the husband without asking the husband to live up to the place of a respectable person. It makes no sense. There’s simply no way a man would respect a male friend who whines and cheats. The same for a woman. You are just being irrational if you are hoping she would respect you when you are not living responsibly and taking good care of the family.
OH this article just breaks my heart too much. The world is sick. People’s self centeredness depresses me.
Men, will you quit being babies and TAKE UP responsibility. Admit fault and change.
YOU gotta get out of that self-pity hole and wake up and be a man. Quit playing video games and watching SCi-FI, because they give you the intended illusions that you ought to have everything easy as thumbing a joystick. Life isn’t easy. Being a man isn’t easy. Being the one who takes responsibility sometimes against the grain isn’t easy. Sometimes you don’t get approved or respected. Sometimes you can’t have everything. Did not your mother teach you these things.
QUIT blaming women. We are WEAKER! I am SO sick of how people now constantly try to come up with stories to say women have more endurance and are actually stronger. A BUNCH of freaking lies. You can’t stand pain because you don’t want to stand it. Because you avoid it. I stand it because I’m less sefl-catering than you that’s all! There’s no way a man is weaker than me. I’m 5’2 with barely sufficient blood pressure I have to be put on drugs to get out of bed without fainting. I got depression twice and bronchitis every season. Still I’m told I should be caring for the man and doing all the chores. How I wish I had a strong arm of help?
Men, please get real! Stop shoving the responsibilities! We are so exhausted by you. If you continue to go this way acting like babies, we don’t have any essential energy left to hug anyone let alone meeting your every need.
Jean;
I do underdstand where you are coming from! Being in a past abusive situation myself, I do understand the anger and bitterness that you feel. It is a part of the healing process. However, that being said, it is very important for women who have been in a abusive relationship or are still in a abusive relationship to seek out help at a women’s resource centre by women who understand the trauma and the help you need. Women resource centres can also help you during the court process and going to court and better prepare you for it. They also keep in touch with the police and VWA (Vicitms Witness Assistance) to help lighten the load.
I do agree that not all men are abusive but it will take time to actually come to that conclusion. Women Rosource Centres will provide programs to better help you to understand the warning signs of an abuser. Only you will know when the time is right to start dating again, when and if you wish to do so.
Sorry but my previous comment was for Jean and not Claire. Opps!!!
Claire
I understand where you are coming from. As an abuse survivor, I’ve been there myself. However, based upon my own personal experience, I know that victims face the difficult task of surviving without being bitter and angry. I struggle with being bitter as a result of the abuse I encountered. I discovered that one powerful weapon in the battle against my own bitterness is learning to discern an abuser from a wise and kind man. That’s not as easy as it might sound because abusers can do a pretty good job of disguising themselves. Even Satan can disguise himself as an angel of light (2 Co 11:14). However, the truth is that not all men are abusive. King Solomon does a very good job of differentiating an abusive, foolish man from a wise and kind man in Proverbs and Ecclesiastes. Solomon also wrote about the pitfalls of anger and bitterness. Those books of the Bible have helped me a lot. Personally, I’m trying to focus my attention a lot less on abusive men (and women) and more on wise and kind ones. After all, abusers get way more attention than they deserve.
Steve
I agree with your sentiments. So many articles like these tend to trivialize a husband’s duty to be accountable for his own actions rather than passing the buck onto his wife. I am so very encouraged when I read from men who stand up and speak the truth about the husband’s responsibility. Your words on the subject were very kind and gracious. They help me to know that not all men abdicate their responsibilities and abuse their authority. I pray that my son will grow to be the kind of man who takes personal responsibility for his own actions and uses his God-given authority lovingly and wisely. Thanks again for your kind and truthful words.
Wow! and these needs that men have are exactly why i stay single! Who in their right mind really wants to be a mans slave like you described? i already have a 3 year old son and i dont need another child to babysit. Thanks.
As a person who has worked a lot with abusive men and abused women, I totally get where Jean is coming from – there are a lot of abusive men out there, and a lot of women who don’t understand that they are being abused and keep working and hoping and praying instead of understanding that their partner is the one who needs to do the work. But I also agree that not all men are that way, and I really don’t think they are “born” that way.
Maybe the way to resolve this is to observe that men are granted significantly more power than women by our current social structure, and that men are often trained to believe they deserve to be treated as superior to women. Conversely, women are often taught that their role is to understand, sooth, and support men’s fragile egos, even when the man in question is being disrespectful, which is the tone I picked up in this article that made me comment on it in the first place.
This combination of men being trained and supported in seeing themselves as superior and women being trained and supported in seeing themselves as supporters and helpers whose needs come last is a very dangerous combination, indeed. This is why I published “Jerk Radar” – to help women see that not all men are safe or caring or loving, even when they act that way to start out. Articles like this one can really reinforce the idea that men are acting abusive only because you don’t respect them enough or give them enough sex or whatever, and I find that a dangerous message.
At the same time, there are plenty of warm, supportive, loving men around that would be happy to connect with a woman who sees collaboration, mutual support, and commitment as things they seek. Unfortunately, these are not usually the men we see portrayed as heroes in our romance novels and romantic movies. I applaud Jean for seeking to help women look beneath these images and lessons they have been taught so they can understand that power dynamics are often the driving force for the super-romantic “ideal” guy who makes you feel like the most special person in the world. It’s easy to fall for their charm, but these guys are up to no good and sometimes can ruin your life.
There are not many “princes” out there, but there are a lot of flawed but gentle and caring men who don’t look like Robert Redford or drive a car like James Bond, and yet can provide a loving relationship that is worth having.
It is so important for women to recognize that they need and deserve their own power, and that any man who wants to treat them as “less than” he is is not a man they want to be with!
I hope that sums up both sides of this argument. I think both of you make excellent points, and I think you agree with each other more than you disagree. Thanks to both of you for your passion and concern for the safety of both men and women in relationships.
—- Steve
Jean, Why would I be trying to shame you? Shame is an attempt to gain power and I have no need to have power over you, I don’t even know you. I understand that you have seen men do awful things and I agree that those things are awful. But it still does not mean that all men act this way and it does not make this idea that women never abuse true. I wish that abuse were limited to only half the human race. Fewer people would suffer if that were true.
I am not criticizing you because of your strength, I was disagreeing with you because your claims are false. You said that you wish I would “spend some of that time, counseling women on how to love themselves.” If you do a search on this site you’ll see that I have written several articles on self-esteem, the importance of trust, and other topics that encourage women to love themselves. I have written more than 700 comments encouraging women in the situations they find themselves in, telling them about God and how He changes everything and helping them to find the strength to stand up for themselves.
I do not have an agenda here, but it appears that you do so I am bringing this conversation to a close.
To the women and girls who read these comments, and have been abused physically or emotionally, don’t worry, don’t get discouraged when you read the sad, comments from females who have agendas to make it seem that it is wrong for females to love and care about themselves. These comments that exalt men are intended to hurt women. The enemy comes to steal and destroy. That is his purpose. You can see that it is sad and pitiful. Know the truth! Know that there are weak minded females in this world who will tear down the female gender and build up the male gender. Know that you are important and you will survive. Women we will be okay inspite of it all. God loves women just as HE loves men.
I found Claire Colvin’s first message very uplifting, balanced, and honest. As a woman who has suffered from SOME men it is easy for me to extrapolate that pain into a fear of all men. Claire’s balanced observations helped me a lot, and I have never even suffered any serious abuse. From Jean’s latest post, I learned that she has, as a counselor, been exposed to the worse betrayals men can make (incest, infidelity, using women (even wives) as mere sex objects). Had I had to counsel such men, I would’ve been scared and felt men are unsafe. In my recent dating, I have come to see how sensitive men are. They are human beings with feelings, and we should treat them with love and respect, just as we want them to treat us. Thank you, Claire, for your first post. It has really helped me. Men reading this, remember that we women sometimes forget your feelings get hurt too. We are raised in this society to believe you can take criticism like water off a duck’s back. When we are unkind, let us know. We often have no idea how hurtful we can be, and we usually do not want to hurt anyone! Love to everyone!
@Claire, there is no anger in my comment. Are you trying to shame me? There is truth from where I stand and see men. I wrote about what I have seen and heard. Again I say that I have not been pained or wronged, by a man. I have worked with girls and women for some years now, from England to New Mexico and in between. I have seen and heard it all.
I’ve worked with boys too. Those boys grew up to be young men who now have toddlers of their own. Most of those young men have come to me, to thank me, for being good to them and guiding them to do what was right. I have seen and heard and now understand things that most women are blind to. Women often are not aware of what goes on right under their noses, and I am not one of those women. I have seen cases where a man was molesting one of his own daughters and was grooming the other, and the wife defended him saying that he would never do such things. The oldest daughter told the police after she saw her dad bother the little sister. I have discussed with pregnant women who were stressed out trying to satisfy a husband in the kitchen, bedroom, and then received more stress from that husband after he demanded that his mom come to visit for a month and also watch the wife give birth, because it was grandma’s right to. I have worked in team settings, with another male counselor, directing men who admitted that they had been unfaithful to their wives, because they had lost interest in their wives. Most of these men, revealed that the wives never suspected a thing. I listened in on male group discussions, where the men would admit that love was over-rated and wives wanted too much affection. And some of those same menn revealed that their desires to have intimate relationships with other women, while married.
I just wish we, as women, would stand tall and have high self esteem, and love and respect ourselves. Men sure do respect themselves. And you know what? I just wish that the women who have all this extra time to defend men, would spend some of that time, counseling women on how to love themselves.
We need to teach our daughters to love themselves, and not allow any man to invade their private body spaces, tickling and hugging, inappropriately, no matter who he is. That would be more beneficial, than criticizing women like me, who are strong enough to express their opinions.
Remember this: Men do not need you or any other female to defend them. Men do, look out for themselves!!
Jean,
How did I lie about what you wrote? Your comment reads, and I quote, “And to the people who say that women are abusive too, they are indeed wrong. It is not in a woman’s nature.” Your statement is factually incorrect. Abusive women exist. There can be no debate on that. You claim that men are a certain way (to quote your comment, “men are my nature, selfish, and kind of egotistical”). The only time a blanket statement about ALL men is factually correct is when you’re referring to biological parts. Beyond that there is great variety in men, as there is in women, and you cannot say that men are this or that. As I stated in my response SOME men are those things, but you were accusing men of always being a certain way and that is unfair.
I said that I feel sad that you have a low opinion of men because I think men are wonderful. Not all men, but many of them, and frankly I think you’re missing out. If you have no need of my sadness on your behalf, that’s fine. I can assure you that I am not a male, a “brainwashed female”, or a male pretending to be female. I wondered if you had had a bad experience with men because statistically that is the most common reason for a woman to have such negative things to say about the male gender. Often negative emotions come out of negative experiences. There’s a quote that says that “The pain we inflict on others is directly proportional to the pain we feel inside ourselves.” Your comment showed a lot of anger and anger often comes from pain so I wondered if you had been hurt. I was trying to show compassion to you but I see that you did not take it that way and have chosen to attack me instead.
It’s interesting that you condescendingly call me “Sweetie” and tell me that I have to respect other people’s opinions while at the same time having no respect for mine.”People like me” are not actually the reason why women continue to be objectified, abused and disrespected. Women continue to be objectified, abused and disrespected because there are places in the world where women are seen to have less value, where they are not considered to be fully human and because there are people who take advantage of those who are not as strong as they are. You asked why I did not speak out about Malala Yousufzai, the teen blogger who was shot by the Taliban. The simple answer to your question is that this is not a news site and that’s not what we were talking about. It is part of my job to moderate the comments that appear on our site and when someone – male or female – makes incorrect statements and hurls accusations at another group of people I often step in. That’s what I saw happening in your original comment – you were accusing men of being all sorts of awful things and making statements about both genders that were simply untrue. So that had to be corrected. It is not my job to answer “some of these male writers all over the internet blogs”, it’s my job to curate the conversation here. And I have done that and I stand by what I wrote.
I haven’t got a clue which point of yours you feel I have proven, but that’s not important. I won’t be continuing this argument but you accused me directly and I wanted to respond to that.
@Claire,
I too was sad and disappointed, to read your comment to me. You lied about what I wrote Claire. Please go back and read my comment, then yours. Get your words and facts straight, before you step to correct me. Just for your record, Claire, I have not been hurt by men and love men just as much as the next womea . I have countless males in my life and they treat me VERY, VERY, VERY,well. You people need to stop saying and writing that a woman has had a bad experience when she speaks about what she knows about men. STOP BEING TYPICAL!! My goodness.
You need to be careful about that. I don’t know if you read my comment too fast, need glasses, or was just so quick to defend men who probably wouldn’t defend you as a female. You proved my point, and for that I am glad.
Why Claire would you feel sad just because I have a low opinion of men in general. Are you a male, or a a male advocate? Are you a brainwashed female? Or are you a male pretending to be a female, just to get the reading audience to believe that a woman would disagree with me?? Why does it concern you how another person has observed men? Sweetie, you have got to respect other people’s opinions. You have a right to yours and I to mine!! You have displaced sadness. Why don’t you make sure that you rush to answer some of these male writers all over the internet blogs, who continually put women down, who objectify women, instead of jumping on me, a woman who is speaking some plain truth about men.
People, like you, with comments like yours, are part of the reason that women continue to be objectified, abused, and disrespected…… in this country and all over the world. Just today, I read about a little girl who was shot in Pakistan, for speaking up for females to get educated. Why don’t you spend some time speaking about the abuse against that little girl?? Claire, you are indeed confused, and I am disappointed in you, for how you feel about this situation….. so sad, and oh so pitiful.
Jean, I was surprised and saddened to read your comment. What has happened to you to leave you with such a low opinion of men? Men are not, by nature, selfish and egotistical. SOME men are selfish and egotistical and so are SOME women. You claim that only men are abusive and women never are, and that is simply untrue. Sadly, women are just as capable of being abusers as men are. Women can be physically, emotionally and yes, sexually, abusive. The only real gender difference that we see when it comes to violence is that almost all serial killers are male. (But we can’t get to haughty about that because stats show us that mothers are more likely than fathers to kill their children under 5.)
SOME men because emotionally or physically abusive when they feel disrespected, but not ALL men. I, personally, do not “see this everyday”. I see men who love their wives, men who protect their daughters, men who love their families. It is true that some men are able to convince women to do just about anything, but there are women who can do that too. It is possible to be in a relationship with a man without losing all sense of self. Now that’s something I see everyday.
It sounds like you have been very badly hurt. Did someone convince you to give up a baby, or to end a pregnancy? Did you recently get out of a relationship where you lost yourself or where someone hurt you? Were you or someone you loved brainwashed by their partner? It sounds like you are carrying a lot of anger and a very warped perspective of how the world works. Have you considered seeing a counsellor to work through this? I think you’re going to have a hard time being in a healthy relationship in the future if you are so suspicious of men and so quick to believe that they want to hurt you. If you have been hurt before, it’s going to take some extra help to re-learn how to trust men and what kinds of men are trustworthy. I hope that you are able to get that help. If you’d like to talk to someone privately we do have mentors available. (Mentoring is free and private.) You can use this form to request a mentor.
Many people won’t admit it but, men are my nature, selfish, and kind of egotistical and desire to be adored and exalted by their mate. Men want to be respected, but purposely forget, that women need respect too. Women want to be loved and shown affection, and want respect just as much as the men, we just don’t put the “respect” thing so high on our needs and wants list as men do. We as women just settle to be our men’s doormat. It’s true ladies.
With that in mind, men become either emotionally abusive, or physically abusive, when their women don’t give them this “respect” and “exalt” thing. We see it everyday. And to the people who say that women are abusive too, they are indeed wrong. It is not in a woman’s nature. But enter a man, and a woman loses her mind and senses, just to get that man’s attention and affection. We become blind and crazy, but not abusive. An example of this is, when we read on other blogs about women who sadly think that their men do not keep secrets from them, and so they become blind and lose their common sense and tell private stuff that they discuss with teen daughters who have asked to keep girl stuff private from dad. And you know what, these same men won’t tell their women about the male talk they discussed with their sons and buddies.
Furthermore, a man can get a woman to do just about anything on this planet. Women get crazy for a relationship with a man. We lose all sense of ourselves. Example a brainwashed woman will beat or hurt her own child just to get her man’s love. Or a man can talk a woman into putting her baby up for adoption or not bringing a baby into the world, all to keep a man happy.
@Steve I understand first hand being involved in an abusive relationship as often when we hope that the spouse will change but when changes do not occur then it is difficult.. One lesson which I learned from my relationship is that unless both spouses submit to Christs will the relationship is doomed. For the simple reason that it means allowing the Holy Spirit to change areas where we need changing. Not for the spouses sake but for the sake of ourselves as it is called freedom in Christ through the Holy Spirit.
Hi, Brenda!
First off, I want to say well done to you for seeing and overcoming your own issues with abusive behavior. That is a very large accomplishment and something to be proud of!
I don’t disagree with anything you said. My biggest concern about this article is that it encourages women to believe that if they just act the right way, their man will come around and be more loving. While I believe selflessness is important in any relationship, the idea that we can change another person is a dangerous one to entertain. Our movies and books often encourage women to believe they can have this magical healing power over men if they’re good and kind and beautiful enough (look at the Sleeping Beauty story!), and it often leads to disaster.
I know that some people are able to observe the damage they are doing, see the deeper reasons for it, and reach out for help, and I admire anyone able and willing to do that. But it’s a painful process to admit we have done harm, and perhaps even more painful to learn to behave in a better way. I tend to agree that it requires some willingness to submit to a “higher power” and understand that you can’t figure it out alone. You did that, and the results are wonderful. But YOU did it – nobody could make you, not God Himself could make you do it. You had to decide to lower your eyes and be humble enough to acknowledge your imperfection, and bless you that you did it for yourself as well as your family. Unfortunately, my experience is that most abusive partners aren’t willing to do what you did.
And in that case, I agree again, the best you can do to help the other person is let them know that when you act that way, you lose people you love. Sometimes it’s enough to jolt them into a new viewpoint. Sometimes they need 2 or 5 or 10 jolts. And some never get it. So sometimes, we have to leave their healing in the hands of that Higher Power and move forward with our own lives.
We can be compassionate without having to fix the other person. Sometimes the most loving thing to do is to move on.
Thanks for your comments, and bless you as well for your wisdom and courage.
—- Steve
Steve, I really appreciate your input, and I agree that this is a great discussion. It is true that for a marriage to be successful, both parties have to recognize that they can contribute either negative or positive into the relationship, and it is up to each one of us what we are going to put into our marriage. However, I do not agree that when someone is being manipulative and abusive that this person cannot or will not change – at least not in all cases. God tells us the following in Matthew 19:26: “But Jesus looked at them and said, With men this is impossible, but all things are possible with God [Amplified Bible].”
In saying this, I do believe that treatment is necessary, and preferrably Christian counselling from a trained Christian counsellor who can help the abusive partner to see his or her damaging, destuctive behaviours, and who can assist the non-abusive partner with how to respond to the abusive, manipulative tactics of his or her spouse. I say this from experience, as I was the abusive partner in my marriage, having carried the rage and verbal and emotional abuse of my father into my own marriage. It was only through the patient, consistent love and refusal of my husband to play into my manipulation, as well as the consistent counsel of our pastor and a trained Christian counsellor that showed me how wrong I was and how I desperately needed and WANTED to change, so that I could be the loving wife my husband so deserved and needed. Today, I am no longer verbally or emotionally abusive, and I give all the credit to our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ for working in my husband to be the ambassador for Christ that I needed to desire change in my life, and for working in my heart to transform me from the inside out from the angry, hopeless woman I was to the peaceful, joyful woman who loves God and my husband – and myself – today, and who desires to live for Jesus and to help others reach their full potential in Him.
I do agree with you, Steve, that if the abusive spouse is not willing to enter treatment and to change his or her ways, then the non-abusive partner must surely leave for his or her own healing, as well as to avoid enabling the abuser. Sometimes, it is in being left that the abuser recognizes how badly he or she needs help. If not, then there never was any hope for a healthy relationship to develop.
May God richly bless you, Steve, and thank you to everyone for sending in your thoughts on this article! It is a blessing reading all of your comments.
I like the last three posts. It is important to recognize that your own behavior may contribute to a poor relationship, and being more accepting and focused on the needs of your partner can really advance a relationship’s success. But this only works well when BOTH partners are working on accepting and adapting to the other partner’s needs and viewpoints. It’s a very different thing when one partner is trying to accommodate, and the other is bent on taking advantage of his/her partner’s flexibility and care.
There are people who are simply demanding, unreasonable, and selfish. The cardinal trait of such people is that they feel that nothing bad that happens is ever their fault. There is always a reason or excuse why they behave badly, and somehow, you as the partner are always the one who has to make changes so they feel better. These folks set double standards (they can act a certain way but you’re not allowed to), and feel completely justified in punishing you when you don’t follow the rules they invent. They also tend to change these rules for their convenience and somehow expect you to know the rule has been changed without any agreement from you. The more evil of these actually change the rules on purpose to confuse and disorient you. Such a person will NOT respond to you attempting to be more loving and meeting their needs. They will see this as a sign of weakness and go on the attack.
Just to clarify, not all of these people are men. There are plenty of women who are abusive, though they appear to be less likely to engage in serious physical attacks. And not all men who grow up in abusive households imitate their abusive father – many choose a different path and become particularly sensitive about their partner’s needs. But the fact remains, some men (and women) learn early on to be selfish and demanding and unreasonable, and that they are not responsible for the results of their own decisions. Such people will NOT change, and the only real solution is to either accept that you will be abused for the duration of the relationship, or to leave and seek healing on your own.
Great discussion!
—- Steve
Dear Sherri and Dani,
Thanks for your insight regarding relationships between men and women. You both offer a different views and approaches BUT both are needed because all relationships are different. Many relationships are worth staying in and working things out BUT others need to cease in order for the hurting person to be set free and he while the abuser seeks help and hopefully healing as well.
There is a difference in having ups and downs in a relationship and living with someone with psychiatric and psychological issues complicated by a wide variety of personality disorders.
It was explained simply to me by the counsellor I had seen for the past abuse from my ex. Men who have been in a home that was abusive when they were children learn how to treat women by what they witnessed how their fathers threat their mothers. Men who grew up in loving homes and their fathers loverd and adored their mothers will treat and respect women in the very same way. Abuse is a cycle and until the individual actually receives therapy and heals the cycle of abuse will never stop.
You can never please an abusive male. They are impossible to please. Their psychological make-up is built on control, possessiveness and jealousy. A very deadly cocktail.
Women reading this who are in an abusive situation right now you must leave this person. Women who are in an abusive relationship and never leave end up in deadly consequences because of it. You cannot fix these men. That is not your job to fix them. Your job is to look after you and heal. Men who are abusive can receive help and recover but many of them do not think they have a problem.
Hey everyone, I’ve read through a lot of these articles and it sounds like there has been a lot of hurt from past relationships and bad past experiences. I would like to share something simple that I have learned from relationships. What I’m about to say is a little heavy so if you wouldn’t mind to take the time and just sit on it this could make a world of difference to you and your relationships.
In relationships what should always be on the forefront of your mind is “How can I serve my spouse? How can I please them? What can I do for them?” Its about humility. Humility doesn’t mean thinking less of yourself but thinking of yourself less. When you are focused on them, you are blessing them. And here’s the tricky part. Don’t expect anything in return (your probably thinking what in the world? but just hear me out, I’ll get to that point in a second). If you have a long list of things that you expect of them and are always checking it off of what they can do for you and what they haven’t done, you will never be satisfied, there will always be something that they haven’t got to or done yet to satisfy your needs. But if you don’t expect anything in return than everything they do for you will be a blessing and you will be able to appreciate everything they do fully (which by the way encourages them to want to do more for you) Now this doesn’t always work out so well when both partners aren’t on the same page. Talk to them about it! :) Now there are some situations that are harder where the person is taking advantage of you, spending money unwisely, maybe a man not being the leader of the house, maybe a wife not taking care of the house, the list goes on and on I’m sure. As a couple you two should be working together to better yourselves, making a happier and more positive relationship. Talk to each other! Work things out! Wouldn’t you feel so blessed if your spouse always was trying to serve you and bless you and feel all your needs? When people stop being selfish and start being selfless and focusing on the other person this makes for a happy/healthy relationship. Now its not going to be easy, and easier said than done. But I can assure you it can and has been done. And remember God is always there to hear you out and help you along the way. All you have to do is pray:)
@Vince: I find it interesting that men are supposed to do everything for women. I did everything for my ex and my mother did everything for her ex and both of us were trampeled on by our ex-boyfriends.
I personally don’t understand why everything is about what the man wants since us females have been like a second mother to our men. Mending their clothes, cooking their meals, washing their clothes, taking care of the money because they are too irresponsible to look after the bills and finances, oh and I also forgot that traditionally the brides family also pays for the wedding. In the meantime we are told to stay in the kitchen, stay pregnant, be quiet because we need to be taught by a man how to behave. Receive verbal abuse and some smacks from our men and their word is the final word.
It scares me in my opinion and prevents alot of women from committing to our male counterparts because of the control. I am way to scared to get involved in another relationsip ever again!
Hi everyone,
You know it concerns me a lot about the way man-woman relationships are going. We are finding a trend that shows women, now mimicking the men who have always been in control and who ruled everything.
Historically, men have been the cheaters, the aggressors, the dominate people in our society. Women have been docile beings, taught since they were little girls, to sit back and be ladylike. We are the ones who did the sacrificing. We were taught to not complain or fuss, lest we are called naggers and our men would be angry with us. We have always tried to please and it hurt us, if we thought that we didn’t do things right.
We have been told that we should strip for our men, dance on poles, wear high heels, wear maleup, stay slim, stay young looking, do kiegel exercises because the babies stretched you va ja jay(could be his little wiener shrinking) lose that baby weight, cook good meals,wash the dishes, vaccuum, take care of the childen, iron the husband’s cothes,put up with his not so nice mother and father, on top of our own parents, send the holiday greetings, entertain his family at holidays, allow his mom and dad to come into the delivery room, give him sex the way he likes it, even though he doesn’t take the time to give it to you the way you need it, let him drive the car when you all go off, put up with the mess his buddies make, let him have alone time, eventhough you are the one who needs it. And this is not even half the list. ow does the world understands why women are tired and not interested in exalting a man at the end of the day.
We have got to work together to make men and women happy.
To Vince
I am sorry that you feel that way. Generally speaking that is not true of women. But anyway, I hope that things will work out for you.
Wow, Vince, I’m hearing some serious anger and hurt about women! What’s happened to you that’s made you feel so awful?
I know lots of women who give and give and care in so many ways, and ask for very little in return. Of course, not all are like that, but to generalize about women in this way seems very unrealistic. Perhaps you might want to look at what “love/sex/intimacy” means to you and talk to some women and other men about how they see it? I also know lots of women who would say all they want from men is “love/sex/intimacy” – have you not met any of these women? Or maybe their definition is different?
My objection to the article is that it tells women how they have to change to accommodate their man’s needs, but it doesn’t talk about how men have to change to accommodate their woman’s needs. How do you show your love and affection for your partner? Are you willing to give to her the very things you are saying you need from her? Or do you feel the woman needs to put your needs first? I think a lot of men do expect this, and a lot of women are used to men expecting this. The recent comments reflect a need for balance in the relationship – both partners need to accommodate and work together for mutual well-being. How does that seem to you?
—- Steve
yeah, if men went out and did EVERYTHING women wanted, they’d STILL not give us men what we want (which isnt that much by the way) . all we want is love/sex/intimacy. IT’S NOT THAT COMPLICATED!!!!!!! everything this guy said is the gods-honest-truth! no wonder the divorce rate is so high these days! nowadays it’s all “women deserve everything in the world and men should just be happy to be alive”= WELL I’M SICK OF IT! MEN SHOULD JUST STOP DOING everything THAT THEY DO FOR WOMEN, AND WATCH HOW FAST THEY ALL START BEGGING US TO GET BACK TO WHAT WE DO. WE STILL WOULDN’T GET ANYTHING FROM THEM, BUT YOU GET MY POINT.
Jean and Dee, it sounds like you both are coming at this with some first hand experience. Are there some things that you have found that have been helpful in your relationships?
Jean, — High five to you.
I am so sick of hearing what shallow men think sex means. Sex is an expression of love. Love is honor, faithfulness, commitment, trust, sharing, caring, GIVING, servant-lover, companion, and so much more. It is about GIVING to the other person. If men would QUIT thinking sex is some self-sport just for them, then maybe things could turn around. If the man would have the attitude that sex is ALL about the woman, as in SHE come first, then she would have the same attitude about him. What woman wants to give her body to a selfish, lazy man who just wants to use her like a spittoon. Respect goes BOTH ways equally. Men need to RESPECT women as a PERSON first, no just them as a sex tool.
Jean, you said it all! Thanks for your comments.
—- Steve
It is kind of wrong when we continue to write articles like this to the wives and not write an article to the husbands. I asked myself when I read this article, “Is this author serious?” And of course, it is written by a man…… something all the men as usual will approve. Men, you all are allowing a sin nature to control you and you are setting your relationships up for failure if this is your mindset.
Wives cannot read you all’s minds. Stop acting like little toddlers who don’t know any better. Speak up and tell your wife what you like and don’t expect for her to ignore the baby to soothe your ego, especially if she works outside of the home like you. Help her with the baby’s needs and THEN tell her….”Honey I need some hugging, I like it when you love me this way” And men give her the same thing, because women DO need all that too. It’s just that we are not selfish, and we have so many responsibilities that we selflessly take our minds off ourselves to serve everyone else in our lives, WHICH IS NOT FAIR !!!
Authors and male advocates, stop encouraging and giving husbands excuses to cheat. Women don’t deserve that!! It satisfies you all physically and boosts your egos, but is wrong. It hurts your wife. Would you like it if she cheated on you because you did not give her affection?? One day you men will wake up and see that women have gotten fed up and have decided to play the games that you all play. If you are a man, you need to grow up and stop being selfish!!
Qww, I think that I might agree with you to a certain degree but I think the words you use make it a hard thing to swallow. I agree that when both partners are looking to serve their spouse rather than trying to get their own needs met the relationship becomes something that is alive and vibrant. I know that if I wait for my wife to serve me before I start serving her we never get anywhere. But if I commit to caring for her without any expectation of that being returned it fosters an environment where that kind of selflessness becomes easier for both of us.
I don’t know if that is what you were saying but that’s what I read into your comment.
So, QWW, does the same thing apply to men? Should he be her slave boy so she’ll be his slave?
Women need to love their men and go all out to please them. Appreciate them. Stop complaining all the time. Stay vibrant and active. Be like his slave girl and hell be your slave. Period.
beewinged 2 says
“Good article… the last point makes you want to grab a tissue… what the husband needs to know is that a wife is ALL this and much more if the husband respects her as a person, respects her opinions, gives her the benefit of doubt, does not jump at her throat if she voices her concerns, does not tell her he is encapsulated by too many other pressing issues, makes joint decisions and most importantly keeps her on board at all times. After all, she is a wife and it is her right. If a husband can do this then a wife can do so much more for him.”
I totally agree. It’s a two way street. Men need to grow up and quit thinking that their wife is their servant. Marriage is an equal partnership of TWO loving and mature ADULTS.
Hi, Hailey,
I posted this the other day but somehow it didn’t make it. I am really sorry you are being mistreated in this way. I don’t think the above article is really intended for your kind of situation. It sounds more like a situation where no matter what you do, he will find a way to disapprove. You may have to think about this from a different angle, knowing you can’t really do anything to make him be different than he is.
Xanax is highly addictive, and can cause a person to lose his/her inhibitions, much like being drunk can do the same. Unfortunately, again you can’t stop him from choosing to be this way. I agree with the suggestion to get some counseling from yourself, but I don’t agree that any kind of couples or marriage counseling can really be effective until he owns up to the possibility that he has a drug problem, and also to the possibility that he is mistreating you for no particular reason.
It is difficult to keep faith in yourself under such circumstances. I would suggest you seek assistance from someone who is familiar with the dynamics of spousal abuse who can give you more specific guidance.
The above article presumes that both people are trying to make the relationship work and that misunderstandings underly the issues between you. I don’t believe that is the case based on what you are saying. I don’t think he is unable to understand you, I think he has left the path of trying to make things work and is taking out his frustrations on you. You don’t deserve that kind of treatment, and I don’t think God intends you to suffer the resulting pain. Something needs to change, and unfortunately, since he doesn’t recognize the need, you are the one who will have to do something different, and maybe pretty radically different.
I applaud your courage for sharing this difficult situation, and hope my comments are of some help.
—- steve
Hi Hailey, I appreciate your trust in us to share your story here. I know it can seem like you are betraying your spouse when you talk to others about the problems you are having in your marriage but there is a time to look for help outside of yourselves. Let me encourage you to talk with your husband about seeing a counselor or your pastor. Even if he doesn’t agree to go, you need to find some outside help to bring so reason into your relationship. Pray about whom God would want you to reveal this to and go seek out that person’s help. You should not be trying to handle this on your own and it is the privilege of the Body of Christ to help out one another in difficult situations.
Lord God, I pray for Hailey and her husband. You know the patterns that they have gotten themselves into and You know how to break them out of those patterns. I ask that You would give Hailey wisdom on who to approach for help and how. I pray that she would receive godly counsel and support. I pray that her husband would recognize the hurtful ways that he has treated his wife and turns that around. Bring healing and new love to this relationship. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Hailey if you need someone to talk to about all this let me invite you to connect with one of our online mentors. They are safe people with whom you can look to for an objective perspective and a helpful reminder of God’s truth. just fill out the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor and one of our mentors will contact you by email.
I forgot to mention a very important principle, we may tend to underestimate the power of:
Mark 9: 28-29 And when he was come into the house, his disciples asked him privately, Why could not we cast him out? And he said unto them, This kind can come forth by nothing, but by PRAYER and FASTING.
When faced with an even greater mountain bent on our misery and destruction, prayer and fasting become all the more necessary. Our prayers for guidance are made more powerful because fasting emphasizes the earnestness of our prayers. Furthermore, when we fast and pray, we turn away from the things of the world and recognize our dependence on the Lord. In this way, we open our hearts to learn and accept God’s will for us and our families.
It must also be noted that, fasting is not just a discipline for bringing problems to God to be fixed. It is also an expression of the heart’s longing for a greater intimacy in our walk with Him.
Hailey, “Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit”, says the Lord (Zech. 4:6)
Don’t try to change him for yourself, in your own strength – Leave it to God. He will work it out in His time. You could tell your husband a million times to stop, but it only takes one second, for the Holy Spirit to speak to him and one day he may just wake up and say, I have no desire to take this drug anymore.
Pray without ceasing. There is nothing too hard for the Lord! Take it to the Lord in prayer. The more you pray, the worst he may behave, but just leave it in the Hands of God.
Do some introspection, Make sure you are living a life consecrated to God, because if you trying to correct him in those areas where he falls short and you are lukewarm in other areas, he will only see you as a hypocrite .
Ask God for the strength to take you through, to give you that everlasting peace, joy and a gracious non-judgmental attitude. Make an extra effort to avoid things that would cause an argument and even if you are not getting along, still treat him really nice and do nice stuff for him, expecting nothing in return.
However, in the end it comes down to the fact that your husband will have to accept God in His heart for himself . So work on making “your calling an election sure” 2 Peter 1:10
My husband and I dont get along he is not normal about things he claims to be a christian and goes to church yet yells and curses me as soon as he gets home, i wish these things could work for me idk what to do he takes xanax i looked it up and it says if your on it for along time it can make you mean iv tried to talk to him about it he always says hes not coming off them that im the problem to everything
beewinged2, how has that worked in your marriage? Any ways that you and your husband have found a way to live that out?
Good article… the last point makes you want to grab a tissue… what the husband needs to know is that a wife is ALL this and much more if the husband respects her as a person, respects her opinions, gives her the benefit of doubt, does not jump at her throat if she voices her concerns, does not tell her he is encapsulated by too many other pressing issues, makes joint decisions and most importantly keeps her on board at all times. After all, she is a wife and it is her right. If a husband can do this then a wife can do so much more for him.
Mich
I was thinking along those lines, when reading Cristina’s comment. I think she needed to hear that from a male. I applaud you for being considerate enough to tell her. Thanks!